Frasier s07e18 Episode Script

Dr.
Crane.
Hello, Daphne.
Is Dad around? I have that videotape he wanted to see.
Actually, he's gone off with Donny.
They went to a tractor pull.
Oh As I understand it, they attach a large weight to a tractor and see how far they can pull it through the mud.
Oh.
The answer to your next question is "Beats the hell out of me.
" (door opens) Oh, hello, Daphne, Niles.
Hello, Frasier.
Oh, Dr.
Crane, I see you've grown yourself a crumb catcher.
Oh, please.
Spare me your jocular euphemisms.
I've heard them all from Freddy.
My chin sweater, my face fuzz, my hickey-hider.
(chuckles) Well, I think it suits you.
Well, thank you, Niles.
I just wanted to shake things up a bit, you know.
How was Boston? Oh, it was fine.
It was great seeing Freddy again.
Of course, Lilith was insufferable, but she's got a new boyfriend-- some 28-year-old named Marcel.
He's a contortionist with the Cirque du Soleil.
She's dating French circus folk? Yes, well, he's actually perfect for Lilith.
He has no apparent spine, and she can wrap him around her finger.
Of course, Lilith's smug satisfaction was a little hard to bear, though especially considering how long it's been since the circus came to my town.
(door opens) DONNY: I know.
I couldn't believe the wheel that thing had It's Grizzly Crane.
Well, nice soup strainer there, Fras.
Thank you.
DONNY: Oh, we just saw a hell of a tractor pull.
Even you would have liked it.
So, how's my grandson? Oh, he's great, Dad.
Actually, he loved the baseball mitt you sent him.
Where's Daphne? I got this little gift for her.
Oh, a John Deere cap.
How could you? (doorbell rings) Oh, you know, I'm just giving it to her to see her pretend to like it, and then I'm going to give her a bracelet.
Hey, Frasier.
Oh, hi, Roz.
Mm, cool beard.
Oh, thanks.
Hey, Niles.
Hey, Roz.
Okay, here's your directions, hotel confirmation and schedule.
Excuse me? Broadcast conference.
Good Lord, I thought that was next week.
No, it's tonight.
I'm going up there right now.
Oh, no, Roz.
I just got back from Boston, for God's sakes.
You know, maybe I can just drive up tomorrow and attend the panels.
Frasier, tonight's reception's the most important part.
It sets the tone for the whole weekend.
Oh, come on, last year, everybody just got drunk and acted like a bunch of horny teenagers.
Exactly, so stop yakking and start packing.
Well, you know, it could be just the boost you need after a long week with Lilith and lePretzel Boy.
You know, come to think of it, there was one really gorgeous blonde up there-- "Rush Hour" Rita, Laramie's eye in the sky.
Yeah, I remember her.
The traffic was bumper-to-bumper outside her room.
Meow, Roz.
It's just I am so sick of men becoming panting idiots just at the sight of blonde hair.
Oh, that's a bit of an oversimplification.
That's ridiculous.
It's insulting, Roz.
For God sakes, I mean, every man's taste is different.
Sorry.
It's just that I met this guy at Nervosa today for coffee, and it was very annoying.
Every time I tried to say anything, this blonde waitress would walk by.
Oh, Mimi's back? Oh, that's good news.
Got to stop in to see Mimi.
FRASIER: You know what? I guess I better get packing.
MARTIN: What are you talking about? You got your bags right there.
No, Dad.
These are my "daddy" clothes.
I have to go and pack my "Come to Daddy" clothes.
DONNY: Oh, give me a break.
All right, all right.
My surveillance guy just canceled for tonight just when I need him for this big money divorce case.
Is this the Stanley Redmond thing? Yeah.
The Dumpster rental king.
This guy controls half the Dumpsters in the Northwest.
His wife thinks he's been taking out the wrong kind of trash.
Now, you know, if I can prove it, this case is mine.
That is so depressing.
You expect this sort of behavior from a mattress king, but we ask more of our Dumpster royalty.
Yeah, but, uh, you should see his girlfriend.
She's gorgeous, leggy, blonde.
Oh, well, blonde.
That explains it.
Good-bye.
I'm sorry.
DONNY: Hey, wait a minute.
Marty, you were a cop, right? You must have done surveillance.
Oh, sure, all the time.
Well, why don't you work for me tonight? It's 45 bucks an hour.
Oh, I don't think Dad would want to do that.
DONNY: All right, 50.
But if you get a picture of Redmond and the girl, there's a $500 bonus.
All right, $700.
You're killing me here.
Dad, I-I don't think this is a good idea.
Where exactly is this stakeout? It's at the Alcazar Apartments, you know, in Belltown.
Belltown is, uh, sort of a sketchy neighborhood, wouldn't you say? Oh, Niles, to you, a sketchy neighborhood is when the cheese shop doesn't have valet parking.
I'm an ex-cop, remember? Yeah, yeah, I know you're an ex-cop.
Let's just examine this, Dad No, no, no, no, let's just forget about it.
I'm not going to listen to this all night.
I just won't do it.
Are you satisfied? Yes.
Thank you.
Donny, I'm sorry to put a crimp in your plans.
DONNY: That's all right.
I'll sure I'll find somebody else.
You're still doing it, right? Hell, yes.
Thanks for watching Alice, Lori.
I really owe you one.
Well, I just want to get down to this cocktail party before all the good men are taken.
What? I just want to have a little fun tonight.
No, I do not mean that.
All right, I do mean that.
(knock on door) Uh, Lori, I'll talk to you later.
Thank you again.
Bye-bye.
Oh, hey, Frasier.
Hi, Roz.
My room isn't ready yet.
Can I put my stuff here until I can check in? Sure.
Come on in.
Thanks.
I'll tell you, the storm hasn't dampened the festivities downstairs.
It's only 7:00, and Marge Whitmeyer is already in the bar arm wrestling people for drinks.
How many did you buy her? Well, three, but my elbow was in a wet spot.
Hey, did you happen to notice if that weather guy from KSGY was there? Yes, I noticed that he was there.
Something tells me the forecast calls for a collision between two warm fronts.
(phone ringing) Oh, excuse me.
Hello? Oh, yeah, he's here.
Front desk.
Great, thanks.
Hello.
Yes.
Well, then, you'll just have to get me a room elsewhere.
I see.
Thank you very much.
They don't have a room for me.
What are you going to do? Well I guess I could stay on the couch.
What? Oh, come on, Roz.
I got no choice.
The whole island is booked.
Well, this sure is going to cramp my style.
I mean, it's not like college when everybody just Never mind.
You know, Roz, we're two attractive people.
We're at a conference that turns into a bacchanal every year.
Odds are, neither of us will need this room tonight.
You're right.
What's the problem? I believe there's a cocktail party awaiting us.
Let's go down together.
We'll be like jackals.
They hunt in pairs.
I like your self-assurance.
There's no greater aphrodisiac than confidence.
Shall we? Let the games begin.
I just need a little more lipstick.
I'm sweating right through this shirt.
Niles You specifically promised me Oh, would you shut up and get in here? How did you know I was here? The doorman.
Big mouth.
Oh, well, I guess he didn't realize he was being sworn to secrecy when you said, "Hey, Sid, I'm going on a stakeout.
" I can't believe you lied to me.
Well, I'm sorry, but you were making such a big fuss about nothing.
It is not nothing.
Look at this neighborhood.
I'm not even happy parking my Mercedes here.
It's not that bad.
Oh, really? Well, then, could you explain to me the ominous group of men standing back there in the shadows by my car? They're all wearing the same sort of dark coat.
It's some sort of gang.
Niles, they're Hasidic Jews.
That's right.
Keep walking, keep walking.
So, what, did you come down here to bawl me out? Yes partly.
(sirens blaring in the distance) Also to give you this.
What's this? Clam chowder.
(laughing) I remembered Mom made it for you when you went ice fishing, and I hated the thought of you sitting out here cold and hungry.
Well, thank you.
I appreciate it.
But, look, why don't you just go back home? I'll be fine.
No, I can stay for a while.
No, really.
I'll be fine.
No, no, you can use the company.
Oh, come on, Niles, why don't you tell me what's really on your mind? All right, Dad.
I was worried about you.
I knew it.
Because I'm an old man and I can't take care of myself.
No.
Age has nothing to do with it.
I've always worried about you.
That's what it's like when your father's a cop.
I worried about you when I was five years old.
I didn't stop worrying until the day you retired, and today just brought it all back again.
Look, I'm sorry.
For what it's worth, I know what you mean.
My dad was a cop, too.
I know.
But you know, Niles, I'm not chasing after bad guys.
I'm just going to take a picture.
That's true.
I'm probably overreacting like usual.
Uh well, I guess I'll head home.
No, no.
Hey, hey.
Wait a little bit.
Stick around.
How would you like a little clam chowder? I'd love some.
Okay.
This is clam chowder! Well, what did you expect? Irish whiskey! Your mother always filled it with coffee and Irish whiskey.
We just called it clam chowder in front of you kids.
Is that why you got so mad that day I crumbled oyster crackers in your thermos? (sighs): What happened to you? The same thing that happened to you.
I got a hug good night.
Where did we go wrong? Rush Hour Rita was draping herself all over you.
And that news guy actually said to me if I gave him 22 minutes, he'd give me the world.
I, uh I don't know, Roz.
After he gave you the brush-off, he came over and sat down next to me and Rita.
Before I knew it, they had discovered their mutual fondness for tango music.
ROZ: Oh I lose out to tango music? What a night.
A total bust.
Oh, come on, Roz.
You know, for my money, you were the most attractive woman down there.
Thanks, Frasier.
And I'm not just saying this to return the favor, but you look really hot in that beard.
Oh, well thanks.
Well, you know, maybe we're better off.
Just a couple of old friends having a cozy evening together.
Yeah, right.
(knock on door) It's him! It's her! All right.
All right.
Come in.
Hello.
Oh.
Sorry to disturb you, but the manager wanted to apologize for the mix-up with the room.
This is on us.
That's nice.
Well, uh, you in the mood for a glass of champers, Roz? I don't know.
What do you think? It won't fit in the mini-bar.
Well, it's settled, then.
Uh, I can open it myself.
Thanks.
Here you are.
Thank you.
Well Ah, demi-sec, respectable label.
Not a bad year.
We may just be having a better time than anybody else here.
(tango music playing upstairs) (shouting): Dad, this thing is amazing! I can actually hear some guy brushing his teeth.
Swish, swish, spit.
Swish, swish (gasps): Flossing! Niles! You have got to try this.
It's incredible! Here, put those on.
All right.
All right, now point that anywhere you want.
(horn honking) (screams) Niles, will you quit kidding around?! This isn't a game.
It's a job.
I just want to spot the guy, get a picture and get out of here, so why don't we just sit here and be quiet for a while? You know, Dad are you sure you want to be doing this? I thought you said you weren't worried about me.
No-no, I'm not worried about your safety.
I just mean, are you doing the right thing, meddling in this guy's marriage? You know, speaking as a psychiatrist Oh, boy, open up a window.
I just see this sort of thing in my practice all the time.
People make mistakes an-and have affairs and then find some way to fix it.
It's possible that by taking this picture, you're destroying any chance this man has.
Niles, the guy's a bum.
He's probably alwaysbeena bum.
Now, if you want to get into a debate about something, maybe you can tell me what those grass clippings were doing in the clam chowder.
That was lemongrass and Chef Andre has gotten high kudos for that soup.
Well, if kudos are those brown chewy things, he can have them.
I put mine in the ashtray.
You pretend to be such a cynic.
I think you agree with me.
You have too much of a conscience not to.
Aw, babbity babbity bap.
Oh, there they are.
You're still going to take this picture? Oh, you're damn right I am.
Even though right now, that man may be planning to break it off with his girlfriend tonight, planning to-to rededicate himself to his marriage, the terrible guilt spurring him on to ever-greater depths of commitment, an-and-and years from now, he may be sitting with his wife by the fire, holding her hand, reflecting on all their wonderful years together-- especially their sunset years-- and you could destroy all of that with one click of a camera.
(shutter clicking rapidly) Sorry, Niles.
What were you saying? You took a picture of that tree, and you know it.
All right, I did.
What'd you have to talk about all that stuff for? I was just saying what you were already thinking.
You did the right thing and you're not going to regret it.
Oh, yeah? Well, how am I going to tell Donny I just sat here and watched them walk by and get in the car? You'll tell him proudly because you know in your hearts (crash) (car alarm blaring) Whoa! They backed into your Mercedes.
I don't believe it.
They're not even leaving a note.
They're driving away.
Well, I wouldn't worry about it, Niles.
They're probablywracked with grief, and it'll spur them on to Oh, shut up and take that picture.
Hurry up, get their license plate number! Hurry! Hurry! Um my longest relationship would have to be Ted-- '88 to '90.
No, Derrick-- '89 to '92.
Being a gentleman, Roz, I won't point out the slight overlap there.
It's not an overlap.
It's a transition.
Uh-huh.
You know, like in April, when you start wearing your spring clothes even though you're still wearing your winter stuff? Yeah, well, if we're talking April of '90, I doubt if you were wearing much of anything at all.
Okay, wise guy what wasyour longest relationship? Oh, that's easy-- Lilith.
Lilith.
Although (chuckling) What? Well if we're not talking romanticrelationship, well, then, uh my longest relationship with a woman would be you.
Seven years.
Loser.
(laughing) Yeah.
Seven years Gosh.
My God, ithasbeen that long.
It's worth toasting.
Absolutely.
(chuckles) So, Frasier, what's with the beard? You hate it.
No.
Actually, I like it.
It's like you're Frasier, but you're not Frasier.
What made you do it? Oh, I don't know, you know, I just wanted to change things a little or something-- I don't know-- be spontaneous.
Oh, my God, I almost did something like that this weekend.
FRASIER: Really? Yeah, I Oh, hell, I'll show you.
Ooh, nice silk pajamas.
I made a little purchase on my way up here.
Did you? Well, I am justdying with anticipation.
What is it? ROZ: But you promise you won't laugh? I promise.
ROZ: Okay.
Hold on one second.
I'll be right out.
(sighs) I just wanted to see for once in my life what it'd be like to be a blonde.
I thought I'd wear it down to the bar one night.
(chuckling) Pretty pathetic, huh? On the contrary, Roz, it's-it's quite becoming.
It's like you're Roz but not Roz.
Hello, stranger.
You here for the conference? Yes, I am.
Is this seat taken? It's been waiting for you all its life.
Champagne? Well, I'm not sure I should.
I already had one glass, and it went straight to my head.
I feel like maybe I should lie down.
You could use my room.
Are you sure you're a gentleman? Well, I do prefer blondes.
(both laughing) God, how many times have I had that conversation? (both chuckling) What would life be without the occasional surrender to impulse? It's true.
It does make you feel alive.
Doing things you know you shouldn't do.
With people you shouldn't be with.
Right.
Right.
You know, suddenly this couch seems a little small for me.
Well, the bed seems pretty big.
It's a big bed.
It is.
Roz (knocking at door) For God's sake.
Are you all right? Yeah.
FRASIER: Okay.
All right.
Hello Kenny? I got stuck in the storm.
Now they don't have a room for me.
I hear we're in the same boat, huh, Doc? Oh, hey, Roz.
Hey.
Hey, cool wig.
Thanks.
KENNY: Hey, wait a minute.
I'm not interrupting anything, am I? (laughing) Pajamas, champagne No a fire.
(laughing) So, uh, anyhow, uh, can I bunk here? Why not? No reason, yeah.
Great, great.
Yeah, I really like that blond hair, Roz.
You'd better be careful, though.
Get the doc here all hot and bothered.
(laughing) Well I'm just going to get out of these wet clothes.
I had a heck of a time getting here.
All these roads look the same.
I ended up taking a wrong turn.
The last thing you want to do out here in these woods is take a wrong turn.
Quite right, Kenny.
You know I'm not sure the beard's really working.
I probably should shave it off.
I wasn't going to say anything, but, yeah.
Yeah.
(sighs) I don't wear one of these snore strips, I'm a buzz saw going through steel pipe.
So, uh Rock-Paper-Scissors for the sofa? I'll take it.
Okay.
Looks like it's you and me in the bed, Doc Okay.
But I warn you, I'm a roller.
What was I thinking drinking all that coffee on the way up here? I'm going to be up all night.
I amwired.
Uh, Kenny, do you think you could (snoring) Good night, Frasier.
Good night, Roz.
(Kenny snoring) Hey, baby, I hear the blues a'callin' Tossed salads and scrambled eggs Mercy And maybe I seem a bit confused Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged (laughing) But I don't know what to do With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs They're callin' again.
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do? Good night, everybody!