Frasier s07e19 Episode Script

Daphne.
Hey.
Hello.
I though you were spending the afternoon with Dad.
He's in the loo.
Why don't you join us? All right.
Thank you.
Hey, did you happen to catch the show today? I was on fire.
First caller was an agoraphobic-- boom! Knocked it right out of the park.
Then two troubled marriages and a compulsive overeater-- boom, boom! Boom! I was a regular mental health dispensing machine.
I did two loads of laundry and cut a piece of gum out of Eddie's hair.
Now, Daphne, don't get down on yourself.
The work you do at home is very important.
In fact, I don't know what Dad and I are going to do once you're married.
Thank you, Dr.
Crane.
That makes me feel better.
Boom! Boy, there is no "off" switch on this thing.
Sadly, that's true.
Oh, there she is, the other half of our team.
Roz, are you still as jazzed as I am? They're taking us off the air.
What? Since when? While you were looking for Gatorade to pour over yourself, Kenny came by and said he's yanking us for a week.
He wants to try out that new show-- you know,Car Chat with Bob and Bethany.
Car Chat with Bob and Bethany? What the? Oh touche, Kenny.
You are indeed a worthy adversary, but you shall find I have a trick or two of my own.
You know, Dr.
Crane, maybe a week off would do you some good.
No, no, no, you don't understand.
You see, I'm actually renegotiating my contract right now and this is merely the station's tactic to try to get me to cave.
I hope you're right.
Of course I'm right.
Bob and Bethany,Car Chat.
Please.
How can anybody drone on for three hours about a subject that nobody even understands? Yeah, we were there first.
Don't worry, Dr.
Crane.
I'm sure you're right about these things.
After all, you usually are.
Why, thank you, Daphne.
That's exactly what I needed to hear.
Boom.
(laughing) Son.
Oh, hi, Dad.
Boy, they really did a job in the men's room, didn't they? Why, I hadn't noticed.
Oh, yeah, completely redid it.
Fancy wallpapers, bright new tile, even those little perfumed soaps that you like to use at home, Fras.
DAPHNE: Oh, for heaven's sakes.
You went into the ladies room, you blind old sod.
I've been begging him for months to get glasses.
Ladies room? You're crazy.
That guy was just in there.
Oh, hi, Bethany.
Uh, listen.
Good luck in the slot next week.
BETHANY: Thanks.
We're pumped.
Granted, Dad, Bethany may be a bit of a tough call, but still, you know, it wouldn't hurt to get a checkup.
Oh, come on, don't you start, too.
There's nothing wrong with my eyes.
Now, if you don't mind, I just want to sit here quietly, and have an have a drink of cream.
Do you have a problem with that? Hello, Dr.
Crane.
Oh.
Hello, Daphne.
Say, you know, my agent Bebe said she might be stopping by.
Have you heard anything? No.
And I hope she's not staying for lunch.
I'm afraid we're fresh out of live mice.
Hey, Fras.
Dad.
Is it my imagination, or are those ladies glasses? Yes, and don't you say anything.
I had to drag him down to the store.
He tried on every pair in the place.
Those were the only ones he liked.
So.
How do you like the new specs? They certainly are eye-catching.
Yeah.
You should have seen the looks I got all day.
Mostly from women.
You know, I'd like to think it was me, but I got an idea these frames were designed with an eye to pleasing the ladies.
I'd say that's a safe assumption.
Daph, have you seen the case for them? I don't know what I did with it.
Yeah, I think I popped them into my purse.
Check my room.
Okeydoke.
Oh, wait'll you see this case, Fras.
This Lauren guy really knows what he's doing.
Ralph Lauren? Sophia.
I'm amazed you can keep a straight face all day.
(doorbell ringing) I've done enough clothes shopping with your father.
I'm pretty good at pretending to like things no matter how horrifying I find them.
Bebe.
How nice to see you.
Frasier, my favorite client.
Seattle's golden-throated gift to the airwaves.
I take it negotiations aren't going so well.
You remember that insulting figure you said you'd never accept? They haven't come up to it yet.
Oh, dear.
NILES: Knock, knock.
Oh, come on in, Niles.
Bebe's just bringing me up to speed on the depressing news about my contract negotiations.
Don't worry, dear.
I just need to find a way to throw a scare into them.
Have you tried turning into a bat? I would, love, but most grown men don't share your fear of tiny creatures.
Could you two please catch up later? I did get one offer that I thought might give us some leverage.
It's a TV job.
Television? Unfortunately, it's all wrong for you.
They want you and Roz to host A.
M.
Seattlenext week.
That vapid morning chat show? Exactly what I told them.
Frasier Crane is a doctor.
He heals the masses; he doesn't pander to them.
He's not going to do some silly morning kaffeeklatsch no matter how fabulously popular it is.
Well, that's quite right, Bebe.
That sort of show is beneath me.
Exactly.
It's undignified.
Horribly.
Still I'm listening.
If there were a way to do it with a bit more dignity, some polish and substance.
Why didn't I think of that? You know, a dash of high society and a dollop of culture.
I can't believe you're even considering this.
The show is nothing more than a melange of bad jokes and mind-numbing banter.
Yes, but it doesn't have to be, Niles, don't you see? If I could choose the guests myself.
You can.
And control the content.
You could.
Well, then I'd accept.
We did.
I mean, we will.
In fact, why don't I call them right now with the exciting news.
(chuckling) May I? On the balcony, if you don't mind.
Mind? I don't want a single puff tearing up the baby blues of TV's newest sensation.
By this time next week You heard him-- If you're going to blow smoke, do it on the balcony.
Well, I can't say I'm surprised.
What is that supposed to mean? Only that something like this was inevitable.
It's the final step in your descent from legitimate psychiatrist to dancing bear.
Niles, we are talking about doing a sophisticated television show for one week in order to improve my contract negotiations.
This has nothing to do with your contract negotiations.
You have been an applause junkie ever since you first set foot on a grammar school stage.
I was drawn to the theater because of its discipline and collaborative spirit.
Oh, please.
In your sixth-grade production ofOklahoma, you took so many curtain calls, Mrs.
Van Raaphorst had to lasso you and pull you from the stage.
That woman never understood me or the role of farmer number three.
Oh, I'm just wasting my breath.
As usual, you have fallen under the spell of that sorceress out there.
I have done no such thing.
And I wish you'd just lay off of Bebe.
She is not some malign witch who can transform people at will.
I can't find a damn thing in this purse.
If I say I'm sorry, will she change Dad back into a man? Well, it took several of your best people, but I believe they've finally wrestled this feisty cowlick of mine into submission.
So, are we, uh, ready to roll? Not quite.
Your partner's not here.
Roz is not here? But we are on in four minutes.
At this point, a rerun is on in four minutes.
Don't worry, Matt, she'll be here.
We won't have time to put her through makeup.
A natural beauty like Roz? Oh, please, darling.
Pinch her cheek, stand back and watch her glow.
Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
Roz.
Oh, for God's sake, you look awful.
Are you sick? No.
Of course not.
I wouldn't be sick for our big debut.
I'm totally fine.
Roz, you're burning up.
Well, it's kind of hot in here.
Maybe it's all these lights.
I'll just get this jacket off.
No, no.
Roz, Roz.
Stop, stop, stop.
She's delirious.
With anticipation, darling.
Don't worry.
I'll calm her down.
Pull yourself together, you hear me, we need this show! All right, everyone we're doing a rerun.
Let the audience go, cue the tapes.
Wait.
Can't Frasier do the show without her? This is a chat show.
Who's he going to chat with? Me.
I'll go on with him.
You? Pull yourself together, Roz! I don't think so, Bebe.
Why not? All he needs is someone to suck up to him, laugh at his jokes, pretend to listen to his stories.
I'm his agent; for God's sake, that's what I do.
You know, I believe she could pull it off.
The problem is, she needs to be likable.
Right.
Do I at least get to keep the suit? Hold on.
I can be likable.
I can also be very unlikable.
Maybe if you explained the difference to poor, confused Bebe.
For instance, what you were doing in the dressing room with the wardrobe girl an hour ago-- would your wife find that likable or unlikable? Could you put some makeup on this woman now? Okay, folks.
All right, Bebe, just follow my lead.
I'll introduce us and then we'll get to our guests, all right? Now, wasn't our first guest Susan Sontag? Oh, she had a conflict.
Don't worry.
We got a fabulous replacement.
"Baby Leo, the world's biggest two-year-old"? You're going to love him.
Just remember to lift with your legs.
That's it.
This is unacceptable.
Oh, now who's the world's biggest baby? I will not do this show! We're live in five, four, three, two (theme music plays) Hi.
Welcome toA.
M.
Seattle.
I'm Dr.
Frasier Crane.
And I'm Bebe Glazer.
We're going to be your hosts this week and believe me, we've got some great shows lined up for you.
But before we get to our guests, I'd like to take a few moments to share with you a few thoughts I've prepared on a very special time of the day-- the time that we'll be spending together-- Morning.
A new beginning.
A daily rebirth, if you will.
What the hell is this? Banter.
Banter.
And even though "A.
M.
" stands for "ante meridian," if you simply put them together, they also make up the word "am," as in, "I am.
" Whoa.
Not before my coffee.
As you can see, Frasier has a way with words but did you also know that he has a way with voices? Excuse me? Who wants to hear Frasier's famous Sean Connery impression? (applause and cheering) (imitating Sean Connery): Now, now, Moneypenny, you're embarrassing me.
(laughing) Dr.
Frasier Crane, ladies and gentlemen.
Any more impressions, Frasier? Maybe I should just Now, don't be shy.
Who wants to hear Frasier do more impressions? (applause and cheering) It's just that I'd hate to take time away from our other guests.
I-I believe that (imitating James Mason): James Mason may be stopping by to visit today.
(laughing) Oh, yes! This has been some week.
It's really flown by.
Hasn't it? Whoosh.
A whoosh.
I can't believe it's time for Thursday's Kitchen Corner.
We'll be right back with Chef Frasier.
Hang tight.
STAGE MANAGER: And we're clear.
Bebe, Kitchen Corner? I thought we had the violin prodigy up next.
For God's sake, we bumped Kim Lee twice this week.
I know, but we're running short of time, and the cooking segment is gonna be boffo.
Well, all right, but I insist Kim Lee play over the closing credits.
All right? We're not running some sort of a tacky run- of-the-mill morning show.
Here's your chef's costume.
Thank you.
Allow me, dear.
You know, Frasier.
Hmm? The most magical thing happened to me last night during dinner.
Really? I was recognized.
It's intoxicating, isn't it? Gosh, I myself, no stranger to celebrity, have noticed more heads swiveling in my direction.
Ooh.
(chuckles) STAGE MANAGER: We're back in five, four, three, two Welcome back.
Frasier, I hear you're quite the gourmet.
Oh, please.
I don't do anything fancy.
A few soufflï¿©s, a flambï¿© or two.
Just good eats.
Now, this morning, I'm going to be making my signature breakfast for you-- that's Eggs Palermo Fontana.
Mmm.
Makes my mouth water.
But before we start, I have a little sweetheart backstage who's dying to come out and give you a hand.
Is it Kim Lee? Not even close.
It's Bobo, the cooking chimp.
Oh, that's very funny.
This has Matt's fingerprints all over it.
We thought it might be great fun if you were to match your skills against his.
FRASIER: Well, I don't know, Bebe, uh Well, let's let the audience decide.
How many of you want to see the monkey make eggs? (applause) How many of you want to see Bobo make eggs? Oh.
Just kidding.
Ouch.
Well, all right.
Apes before beauty.
(chuckles) Frasier.
Bobo.
May the best chef win.
FRASIER: Now, the first rule of haute cuisine is to be sure you have all your ingredients at hand, you see.
We have eggs, milk, butter, spinach, and, of course, our old friend, the shallot.
(egg cracking) Why, look at that.
He's not even preheating the pan.
The beast.
Bobo's getting an early lead.
Yeah.
It's very important to keep your eggs light and fluffy.
So, what you want to do is add a bit of milk and a touch of flour.
(Bebe yells) Stop that.
(laughing) Well, I Oh, he's a pesky little chef, isn't he? (Bebe laughing) Oh, you crazy chimp.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
And this whole thing was improvised.
DAPHNE: You're kidding.
It's like you and the chimp have been working together for years.
Boy, that's great stuff, Frasier.
You know, I can't tell you how impressed the guys at McGinty's are that I have such a famous son.
What do they say? Well, they don't say anything to my face, but when I walk in, they kind of nudge each other and whisper.
Oh.
(timer dings) That will be me Shepherd's Pie.
Shepherd's Pie? I must confess, there's a part of me that wishes I could still do the TV show.
(doorbell rings) Well, there's a part of me that wishes that monkey was cooking dinner instead of you-know-who.
But we put our dreams away.
Oh, hi, Roz.
Well, don't you look nice.
You're feeling better? Yes, thank you.
Uh, can we talk? Of course.
Come on in.
What's the matter? Well, I talked to my friends in business affairs and they say they're ready to close our deals but Bebe's holding it up.
Of course, she's holding it up.
She's trying to make them sweat a bit.
That's the whole strategy behind this TV show-- leverage.
Yeah, well, um, I heard a rumor thatA.
M.
Seattleisn't happy with their regular hosts, and I think she's angling for you to take over.
So where does that leave me? Well, even if that was Bebe's plan, I mean, you're forgetting that it's still my career, and I'm calling the shots.
There is no way I would continue doingA.
M.
Seattle.
You look like you're having the time of your life.
I'm playing a character.
There is a big difference between Dr.
Frasier Crane, psychiatrist and Frasier Crane the guy who starts your morning right.
I tell you what.
I will speak to Bebe tomorrow when we're in the chair.
That's the industry term for when we're getting our makeup put on.
Thanks, Frasier.
Yeah.
Sure.
God, this is so weird.
Daphne usually has such great taste.
What is she thinking with these glasses? Well, actually, Roz, uh I've got to go see what these look like.
Hi, Roz.
Hey, Martin.
Hey.
Somebody ought to tell Mr.
Doyle she's wearing a dude's glasses.
Oh, Kiki, you're a magician.
Frasier, you're not going to believe the wonderful news I just got.
They want us to stay on.
What? Yes.
We had the highest ratings the show's had all year.
I don't believe this.
Roz was right.
You had no intention of renegotiating my radio contract.
I don't expect gratitude, Frasier-- just a little faith.
I finished your KACL contract this morning.
You did? And I did quite a good job, I might add.
I'm sorry, Bebe.
I owe you an apology.
Wow, this is wonderful.
I got an extra week's vacation, a very handsome raise.
It's garbage compared to what they'll give us to stay on here.
You'll get an expense account, a wardrobe allowance, not to mention a car and driver.
No, no.
Let's not forget why I took this job.
It was to raise my profile to get a better deal with the radio contract.
We've done that, Bebe, and I thank you.
You're welcome, darling.
And I respect your choice.
Thanks.
Now, let's talk about today's show.
Right.
We start with the Friday Fiesta.
Here are our costumes.
Then we, uh, move on to the Girl Scout cookie-selling champion.
(crying): Then we Bebe, are you all right? I've spent my life in the wings.
It was just nice having my moment in the spotlight.
The rush when that little red light on the camera turns on.
The strip of masking tape on my dressing room door with my name on it.
The stage-door Johnnies, or whatever that strange man with the autograph book calls himself.
Admit it, darling, you want this as much as I do.
I saw it in your eyes during the pie eating contest.
Nobody loves blueberries that much.
It's the audience you love.
MAN: Are you ready for Bebe and Frasier? (applause and cheers) Listen to them.
They want you.
They do want me, don't they? Tell me to tear up the contract, Frasier.
Maybe it is time for a change.
Get away from him, you she-thing! Niles.
It's a good thing Dad started choking on that peanut or I'd have never have come back here for water.
Stop this madness.
He can't stop it.
No one can.
Show business is in his blood.
No, psychiatry is.
Frasier, you're a healer.
Anyone can heal.
You're better than that.
You're an entertainer.
Oh, God, Niles.
She's right.
I love the audience.
I know it's shallow, but it makes me feel alive.
Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look in this outfit? Frasier, I know I sometimes make light of your radio show, but the truth is, you provide help and hope and comfort to people who need it.
I have always envied you that.
Don't listen to that drivel! He's right, Bebe.
I'm a psychiatrist.
I can't do this show anymore.
I'm sorry.
Then quit.
Who needs you? I'll find some other stuffed shirt who's happy to ride my coattails to fame.
Niles, you're a doctor.
Niles, don't look into her eyes! Well, that's it.
The dream is over.
But I'm still a professional.
There's an audience out there waiting for two people to ride in on a donkey.
I don't know about you but I'm not going to let them down.
It's your last show.
Get out there.
Thanks, brother, for keeping me grounded.
Vaya con dios.
ANNOUNCER: Here they are, Bebe and Frasier! Hey, baby, I hear the blues a'callin' Tossed salads and scrambled eggs Quite stylish And maybe I seem a bit confused Well, maybe, but I got you pegged (laughing) But I don't know what to do With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs They're callin' again.
Good night!