Home Improvement s07e19 Episode Script

Welcome back to our St.
Patrick's Day Tool Time.
And our salute to everything Irish.
There once was a lad from Nantucket Tim.
First off, thanks to Seamus O'Connor for showing his antique Waterford crystal.
- It's priceless.
- Yeah.
And somewhat fragile.
Sorry, Seamus.
Thank you, Seamus.
You knew this was a possibility when you came on the show.
A little later on in the show, we're gonna repaint this little table.
This beautiful Irish coffee table.
And I'm gonna use Kelly green.
And I'm gonna finish tatting this lovely Irish lace.
Very McMann-ly, Al.
Before we get to that, we have some very special guests for you.
That's right.
Nobody knows how to celebrate St.
Patrick's Day like the working man.
And we're talking about the working men from Bay City.
Let's give a warm welcome to the boys from K&B: Rock, Pete and Dwayne! Hi.
It's great to have you guys here.
Always great to be here, Timmy! I guess you guys really know how to party on St.
Patty's Day.
That's right.
It's a big holiday up at K&B.
It's right up there with Christmas and Friday.
Since St.
Patty's falls on a Tuesday, how do you find time to celebrate? It is a challenging dilemma.
But being skilled craftspersons, we've designed our own accouterments for just such a situation.
Well, your accouterments look suspiciously like just a green tool box.
Well, to the untrained eye, Tim.
Open her up.
- Aww - Voila.
A traditional Irish feast.
- Look at that.
Corned beef and cabbage.
- Yeah, you betcha.
And look down in this compartment.
Instead of your nails and screws, you got your spuds and stews.
- It's a little oily there.
- That's where we keep the WD-40.
Well, so much for the food portion of our St.
Patty's Day celebration.
Why don't you tell the audience why you really came down? During breaks up on the high steel, we like to sing traditional Irish folk songs.
I love Irish music.
It's magically delicious.
And I like it, too! Well, perhaps then we should regale you with one of our most captivating numbers entitled Mountain Dew.
Go ahead.
- Heidi, my guitar.
- All rightie.
- Here you go, laddie.
- Thank you, lassie.
Ladies and gentlemen, the boys from K&B.
* Let grasses grow and waters flow in a free and easy way * Just give me enough of that fine old stuff that's made near Galway Bay * The police men from old Donegal Sligo and Lietrin too * We'll give them the slip and we'll take a sip Of that real old Mountain Dew * Ah didlee ay dum Ah diddlee ay dum Hey, Al Al, watch for that oil there * Ah doo ray diddlee ai ay * Happy St.
Patty's Day! Ladies and gentlemen, the boys from K&B.
And Al Green.
Tim? Where are you? I thought you were gonna help me with these bulbs.
I'll help you with those bulbs, all right.
- What is that? - It's my bulb blaster.
Is this really necessary? Probably not.
But it's gonna be a lot of fun.
Now, stand up.
OK.
Stand back.
It's tulip time in Beijing.
Look at that.
Well, top o' the morning to you, Taylor twosome.
Good morning.
I wanted to bring you a basket of St.
Patrick's Day goodies before I leave.
Thank you.
What a nice thing to do.
Where are you going? I'm spending three days with my good friend Sean McCormack in Dublin.
You're going to Ireland for just three days? Dublin, Ohio.
Then the three days'll be plenty, won't it? No.
It's very good timing since my house is gonna be filled with nerve gas.
- I thought he said nerve gas.
- So did I.
Well, I did.
I did.
I'm trying to get rid of the bats in my attic.
You know, I've tried every other way.
But, alas, it comes down to gas.
It always does always does.
Thank you again for these.
Have a good time.
There's something bothering me.
My niece still hasn't got a place to stay.
I thought she had tons of friends.
Well, yes.
But have you met them? They're wild.
They're irresponsible.
I know it's a big favor, but could Willow stay with you for three days? I would love that.
In fact, I'd like to trade her for Tim.
Hi.
- Hey.
- Hi, Willow.
Uncle Wilson, the guy with the gas is here.
And I may have a lead on a place to stay.
Tim and I talked.
We'd like you to stay with us.
Oh, I wouldn't want to put anybody out.
You wouldn't be.
We'll have the boys double up.
If that doesn't work, Jill and I will double up.
So, what do you think? I'd be happy to stay provided your husband puts down his weapon.
I have a constitutional right to bear these bulbs.
I'll get my stuff.
I'll be right back.
- Great.
- OK.
Well, hi-ho, Nick.
Oh, is that Nick the exterminator? Nick, the nerve gas guy.
What's shaking? His entire body.
Willow, thanks for making us dinner.
Oh, it's delicious.
Making dinner's fun when you get to cook for people you like.
Mmm maybe that's been my problem all along.
I love this Moroccan food.
You get to eat with your fingers.
How's that different from the way you normally eat? He licks his fingers a lot more.
I love squab.
Mm.
No kidding.
You've practically eaten the entire flock.
I appreciate your asking me to stay with you.
And tomorrow if anyone needs a massage, I brought my table.
Oh, me.
I'll go Hey, guys! Guys.
Don't be rude.
Me first.
I guess we should start to clean up.
I love her.
When she's around, these boys start acting What is it? Human? Mm-hm.
I really like having another woman in the house.
It's OK for you.
But when I want another woman in the house; no, no, no Oh, man.
Look at the time.
You know what? I gotta call a cab.
Where are you going? - I'm meeting some friends at a club.
- Cool.
- Any idea what time you'll be back? - Mmm, probably around midnight.
Midnight? You shouldn't be out looking for a cab that late.
- We should lend her one of our cars.
- Too bad they all have flats.
Here.
Here.
Take mine.
Take my Healey.
That is really great.
Thanks a lot, Jill.
Bye, guys.
See ya.
Be careful.
Keep a close eye on that oil gauge.
Two centimeters to the left means you need oil.
Try to find an English mechanic if you can.
OK, Mom and Dad, you guys can take it from here.
Aw, man.
They are such show-offs.
The girl leaves, they bail.
Well, we have to rest up for our massages tomorrow.
Hold on a second, guys.
Finish those dishes or Daddy'll give you a massage with the ol' bulb blaster.
What are you still doing up? It's two o'clock.
Willow's still not back.
What are you doing up? That Moroccan food was a bit spicy.
That Marrakech Express has been running all night.
I wonder if something's going on with Willow.
I've seen girls like her in counseling.
Because they don't have a parental role model, they lack direction.
They get lost and stay that way all their lives.
Excuse me.
You came up with that based on the fact that she's two hours late? No.
I came up with that theory the minute I met her.
Never had the opportunity to obsess about it.
Honey, don't do this.
First, she's not our daughter and she's 26 years old.
Second, she's always lived liked this.
She's doing pretty well at it.
Have you seen people who seem OK, but inside they're racked with pain? You are singing to the choir.
Hi, Tim.
Hi, Jill.
- Hi, Willow.
- Oh, hi.
You werert waiting for me, were you? Oh, no.
No, no, no.
I'm a real night owl.
I love the night life; I love to boogie.
Well, I have other issues.
So, what was it like? Did you have fun at the club? The bouncer wouldn't let my friend Dirk in because he didn't like his pants.
And I tell Dirk, "Take them off.
" So he takes them off.
Then other guys take them off.
And they all get in.
Where do we keep the barium? Tim, put a cork in it.
Well, there's an idea.
Where do we keep the corks? Upstairs in the attic.
- Goodnight, Willow.
- Goodnight, Tim.
It's two o'clock.
Who'd be calling at this hour? That's probably for me.
Hi.
How is it going, Dirk? Sure.
Yeah.
I'll see you there.
Bye.
Well, I am off.
- Where are you going? - Out to breakfast.
You sure it's safe to go out at this hour? Yeah.
Well, I appreciate your concern, Jill.
But I'll be fine.
I'm not a kid.
It's not a matter of how old you are.
I wouldn't go out this late.
Well, you also wouldn't get a bunch of men to take off their pants.
Not now.
But when I retire, I'll need a hobby.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Honey, on your way up grab the stick matches.
Well, it's almost noon and Willow's not back.
This is getting serious.
You're right.
That Healey's gonna need some oil.
Will you forget about the car? OK, let's get this straight.
After she got home, she went out to breakfast with that guy Dirk.
- Dirk was the guy that she - took off his pants at the club.
Ah, to be young again I'm concerned.
What if something bad has happened to her? Nothing bad happened to her.
Come on.
We'll tell her if she wants to stay out all night, give us a call.
I'll let her use my cell phone.
Hello? Hello, Dirk.
We were just talking about you.
A little drafty today, are we? Why would Willow be here? Really.
Well, yeah.
If she gets back, I'll have her call you.
Bye.
- What did he say? - He said Willow never showed up.
He's a little worried about her, too.
I should have gotten his number.
Oh, God.
Wilson asked us to look after Willow.
After one night, she's missing.
Wait, you lost Wilsors niece? We didn't lose her.
We just don't know where to find her.
Oh, my God.
We've lost Wilsors niece.
OK.
You guys think you have any idea where Willow is? - Maybe she's at a friend's house.
- Could be working.
Maybe she fell in a big hole and can't get out.
What? It could happen.
We gotta find that guy Dirk's phone number.
How are we gonna do that? Maybe she has an address book.
She's been staying in Brad's room.
- We should check there.
- Or at Wilsors.
Wilsors house is being bombed with nerve gas.
Who's gonna go in? Woo! Ow! Take off the mask.
What a rush! Walking through dark, poison-filled hallways.
A mission where it could cost me my life! It was unbelievable! It was great! Dad, are you sure that mask is completely leak-proof? Who said that? Well, OK.
If she turns up, you know where to call.
Thanks.
Bye.
I've checked the police, the emergency rooms, and the hospital.
- You found the address book! - Better yet, her day planner.
DayMinder.
Oh, look at this.
There's names and addresses.
There's gotta be something that'll help us.
Hey, look.
It's a receipt from a place called Just Jam and Jelly.
And on the 15th she went to a body-piercing parlor.
Hey, that's pretty cool.
Three more visits and she gets a free tongue stud.
Look, there's pictures of Willow taken at one of those photo booths.
You guys could go to these places.
Find out if anybody has seen her.
I'll go with you, Mark.
Randy, you go with Brad.
Here.
And I'll just stay here and see if she calls.
Look at this.
She spent a lot of money at Great Value Hardware.
You go to the hardware store.
You go to the body-piercing parlor.
Oh, man! Well, call me if she turns up, OK? Thanks.
Hi.
Did you find out anything? I found that even though the Healey's an English car, I still miss it.
No.
Did you find anything out about Willow? Yes.
I stopped by Just Herbs.
It seems Willow has a thing for ginkgo biloba.
According to her psychic, Janice, in a past life, Willow was Vincent Van Gogh.
In other words, you found out nothing.
No.
I found out in a past life I was Mary, Queen of Scots.
Brad and Randy called.
They don't know anything either.
Let's think.
Assuming that Willow is OK, what would motivate her to stay out all night and not call? She wants attention.
She's acting out.
All of this is just a cry for help.
Maybe there's another explanation.
She's really inconsiderate.
I don't think it's that simple.
Sure is.
She takes the car and doesn't bother calling.
What's that about? I'm sticking with the big-hole theory.
What are you suggesting? Should we stop looking for her? The boys and I have spent all day looking.
She's nowhere.
We haven't checked the clubs.
We're going clubbing? All right! You can't go to the clubs.
You're not old enough.
Well, what am I supposed to do? Find a big hole and wait till you're 21.
Another club.
I have enough stamps on my hand to mail myself to Caracas.
Let's try this last place and then we'll go home.
I'm not waiting in line.
Tell them it's an emergency.
- OK.
- Get us in.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
Uh, this is an emergency.
You have to let us in.
We're searching for a missing person.
Her name is Willow.
She's about five-foot-three.
She has reddishlblondishlbrownish hair.
She sounds like this.
Hi.
Just go in.
Just go in.
- Thanks a lot.
- Wait.
Not you.
- I'm with her.
- Yeah.
But she is cool.
Stay here, I'll be back.
Hold on.
Apparently, you don't know who I am.
I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
And I'm Lance "I Hate Your Show" Smith.
Excuse me.
Do you know a girl named Willow Wilson? Yeah.
Willow.
Too bad what happened to her.
Oh, my God.
What happened? Her uncle left town and she had to crash with a really straight suburban family.
Uh, you two, come on in.
What kind of a line is this? I was here before they were.
This isn't a line.
The bouncer picks who gets to go in.
You know, I think tonight is my lucky night.
It's gonna happen for you.
You know, I can feel it.
What a loser.
- So, Lance, you like football? - Yeah.
I got connections with the owner of the Lions.
- I played for the Lions.
- Yeah? They cut me.
Yeah, look what happened to them.
Oh, boy.
OK, everybody, it's swing time.
Say, good-looking, let's dance.
- Oh.
Do you know Willow Wilson? - You mean Hi? - Yes.
Yes, that's her.
- Yeah, poor kid.
Because she had to stay with that boring, suburban straight family? No.
She drives this really ugly old car.
Oh.
Willow! Jill! Uh thank you for the dance.
Here.
Take her.
I've been looking all over town for you.
- Why? - Because you didn't come home.
And Dirk said you didn't meet him.
Oh, yeah.
Well, on the way I met some people and we got to talking.
And the next thing I knew, I was bowling with drag queens.
Willow, why didn't you call? I didn't know you liked to bowl.
I'm not a phone person.
You gotta find change, and dial all those numbers Do you act like this when you're at Wilsors? - What's wrong with how I'm acting? - You're not being considerate.
You're not taking responsibility for your actions.
You're 26 years old, Willow.
It's time to grow up.
Hey, lighten up.
You're not my mother.
I know.
I know.
Look, I'm talking to you as your friend.
Remember you said you wanted to move to be around people who cared about you? Well, we care about you.
So, if you disappear or don't check in, that affects people.
I'm sorry.
I mean, I know Uncle Wilsors a worrier.
I didn't realize that you guys would be worried, too.
Wilson is like family to us.
That makes you family.
Wow.
That means a lot to me.
I mean, I've never really had a family.
At least not one who cared enough to go out looking for me.
Well, you have that now.
And that means you gotta learn to pick up a phone, OK? - I will.
- All right.
Thanks, Jill.
You're pretty cool.
Well, at least cooler than Tim.
- Come on in.
- Thank you.
- Not you.
- Oh.
Him.
Who's the loser now? "Who's the loser now?" - Well, hidy-ho, niece and neighborette.
- Hi! My bats are gone.
And I see my niece is still in one piece.
- Everything went great.
- How was your trip? I was sick the entire time.
I ate a piece of green cheese thinking it was for St.
Patrick's Day.
Actually, it was just bad cheese.
- Tim had some stomach trouble, too.
- Oh, really? It was my Moroccan cooking.
He must be squab-intolerant.
Oh.
And also, we went to this club and he got rejected there.
And he's been obsessed with trying to get in there ever since.
Hi, Wilson.
What? What do you think? I think some nerve gas might've leaked onto your side.
What? Woo! - Dad? - What? Take off your mask.
Oh! What a rush!