Desperate Housewives s07e20 Episode Script

Previously on Desperate Housewives.
I love this job.
Tom's career took off.
And you gave me the confidence to jump at it.
I could kill you right now.
Or I could do this.
Felicia made peace with Paul.
And don't you worry about Paul.
Or so he thought.
I'll make him pay for what he did to you.
Look, I'm your landlord, I have a right to come in.
But it was Susan who gave him hope.
I remember a guy that used to live on this street.
He had a laugh you could hear three houses away.
I'm not that man anymore.
I think you can be.
Who do you want in your life, me or Bree? Choose.
And Gabby made a decision.
Can I stay with you for a while? Of course.
Girls, come on.
Go on in.
Bree Van De Kamp had occasionally found her home invaded by household pests.
And her manner of dealing with them was ruthless.
She smashed them.
She poisoned them.
She executed them.
But when it came to the latest pests who had invaded Bree's home, extermination was not an option.
Girls, there's mud on your shoes! Mud on your shoes! Girls! We are guests here.
What have I said about wiping your feet? Sorry.
No, no, no, no, no! No, no, no.
Just Huh! Never mind.
It hasn't rained in three weeks.
Where did they find mud? Honey, they don't find mud.
Mud finds them.
So, speaking of the fun we've been having, how long do you think it'll be before you and Carlos make up and you can all go back home? Ah, a few days.
He'll be sitting alone in that house, realizing how big it is, how quiet it is How clean it is.
Then he'll show up here with that hangdog look on his face, begging us to come back.
Ow! Mom! Celia hit me! Then hit her back! Gabby, don't tell her to do that.
I'd rather they settle it.
Otherwise I have to go in there.
That's what a mother does.
Come on.
Girls, if you stop fighting, then I'll let you have some fresh-baked cookies.
There were two dozen cookies on that plate! Yeah, you can't leave food out.
They're like bears.
You've got to tie it up in a tree.
Uh, Gabby, while you're here, this might be a good time to teach them a little discipline.
Discipline? What are you talking about? It's not like the plate's broken.
Oh, boy! Yes, Bree Van De Kamp had finally met two pests she couldn't smash, poison, or shoot.
Okay, I'm gonna need a garbage bag.
Unless it was an antique.
Then I need glue.
That's not to say she wasn't sorely tempted.
Good deeds aren't always done for the purest of reasons.
We may be trying to impress.
We may be acting out of guilt.
We may be expecting something in return.
But occasionally, a good deed comes straight from the heart.
Wow, what's this? Your lunch.
I've got ham, ham and cheese, and that one's ham and gravel.
I dropped it.
Susan, you don't have to keep doing this.
I want to.
You're my new project, mister.
Your project? Yes.
Paul Young, Phase Two.
Where we figure out what you're doing with your life.
Set some new goals.
Now, you tried destroying the neighborhood, that didn't work out.
What's next? I don't know what I want to do.
I've made such a mess of everything so far.
No, no.
Phase Two is about the future, not the past.
So, from now on, we're only looking forward.
Oh, my God, look behind you! Hello, Susan.
Oh! Hey, Felicia.
"Hey, Felicia"? You knew she was in your house? I thought you were in prison.
Oh, I've been out for weeks.
What nice sandwiches.
Are you cooking for Paul now? Yeah, for Paul, the guy that you cut off your fingers to frame.
It's all right, Susan.
Felicia and I have reached an understanding.
We can hardly keep squabbling now that we're going to be neighbors again.
Wait.
You're living here? Right across the street.
I just came by to pick up some of Beth's things.
Although I think you should keep that pretty oil painting she made for you.
Hang on.
You knew Beth? You didn't tell her? The topic doesn't exactly introduce itself.
Beth was Felicia's daughter.
What? So you're Beth's And you knew And you're living I need to sit down.
We're going to get a lot of this.
So Felicia Tillman was Beth's mother? Snip-snip Tillman? You're sure? Yup.
And people say the suburbs are boring? Great.
Now we've got another nut job living on the street.
Actually, Paul is not so bad.
Yeah, what were you doing over there? Bringing him food, checking up on him, making sure he's okay.
Why? 'Cause I feel bad for him.
The poor guy has had two wives kill themselves.
And here I was concentrating all my pity on the dead people.
Susan, be careful.
Yeah, we understand Beth gave you a kidney, but you don't owe Paul anything.
I know I don't.
But that kidney gave me a second chance in life.
And I'm sorry, I feel that Paul deserves the same thing.
To us, our decorating firm, and our latest triumph, the Delaney bathroom.
Today, subway tile and a low-flow toilet, tomorrow, not walking in on Mr.
Delaney on the low-flow toilet.
You bought this at a drugstore, didn't you? Come on.
"Dan Perrignon"? It's cute.
A little tip? When picking champagne, wordplay usually isn't a selling point.
Hey! You're home early.
No, I just forgot some files.
Headed straight back to the office.
Ooh! Dan Perrignon? What are you guys celebrating? Renee and I finished a design job today.
Yeah, we actually cleared $293.
Well, 290 after this champagne.
Hey, we're a small company.
Why's the glass always half empty with you? Hey, I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner.
I just got my budget.
There's some money in there to redecorate my office.
How about you guys do it? Uh, well, we're a little busy It's 20 grand.
Busy thanking you.
You'd let us do that? You're amazing.
That would be huge for our company.
Look, I know this new job's put a bit of a strain on us.
This might be a good way to sneak in a little extra time together.
So you think you can do something for 20 grand? This may be the dog shampoo talking, but for 20 grand we will decorate your office and whack an employee of your choosing.
Hey, roomie! Hello, roomie.
Those are beautiful.
They're for you.
From the girls.
They felt terrible about breaking your mirror.
Oh! You mean my serving dish.
Oh, you haven't been upstairs yet.
Gabby! But look how beautiful.
I'm going to church.
Weren't you just there? I need to do some more praying.
Apparently, it's not working.
If you're looking for the owner, that's me.
Are you aware that you're blocking my driveway? Yeah.
Are you aware that you illegally entered my vehicle? I needed to get your attention.
Doesn't make it legal.
Oh, don't try to make this my fault! Blocking my driveway is illegal! Yes, but breaking into my car is criminal.
Really? Let's call 911.
I'd love to get a policeman's opinion on that.
You just did.
Oh, my.
You are a policeman.
Detective Chuck Vance, Fairview PD.
Your neighbor Mrs.
Tillman's a parolee.
I was paying a routine call, but now it appears that she's not the only dangerous woman on this street.
Look, I don't know what laws I may have broken Unlawful trespass, tampering with a police vehicle, malicious mischief.
Okay, okay.
I'm sorry.
I'm just so frazzled today.
A friend of mine is staying with me and her two girls are absolute monsters.
In fact, I don't suppose I could borrow your gun? To shoot the children? I was joking! So was I.
I'm sorry I blocked your car.
Well, I'm sorry that I got into yours.
I'll tell that to the judge.
I'm sure you'll get off with community service.
Wait.
What? Still joking.
I'm gonna get you! No! You can't! Gabby? What? Oh, right.
Girls.
No running! Is that all you're going to do? Of course not.
Next time I'll trip one of them.
Or perhaps you could try taking a firmer hand.
Oh, please.
I've tried everything.
I even bought them a puppy just so I could threaten to kill it.
They asked if they could watch.
Well, I can't take it anymore.
Would you mind if I talked to them? Perhaps hearing it from somebody else would make a difference.
What are you saying, Bree? You think you're a better mother than me? Well, not to cast aspersions on tripping and killing puppies, but there are other approaches.
Okay, Mother Superior.
You think you can get those girls to behave, be my guest.
Oh, and if the little one charges, move.
It's like someone dropping a sack of flour off the Empire State Building.
Girls, I need to talk to you.
Not now.
We're playing death match.
We do not fight in this house with pillows made of hand-dyed silk! Now I am going to count to three.
One, two Do you know what happens after three? Four? Put the pillows down.
Now, I am sure you've heard the expression, "My house, my rules.
" No.
Well, there's an expression, "My house, my rules.
" And as long as you're staying here with me, you will behave properly.
You will mind your manners, you will do your chores, you will listen when spoken to and Where are they going? Hmm? I wasn't paying attention.
What were you telling them? Girls! Get back here! Don't smirk.
The key to discipline is consistency.
And I will not give up.
Neither will they, Bree.
Neither will they.
Wow.
If I knew Tom was working with so many handsome, rich men, I would've worn a lower top.
Lower? I think you would call that a belt.
Will you look at this? He's kept us waiting 45 minutes.
Good to see being married to the boss gave us the leg up.
If he keeps us waiting any longer, I know two legs that won't be going up.
Sorry about the wait.
I just got off the phone with London, closed a deal worth $10 million.
Phyllis? Okay, ladies.
I have 15 minutes and they're all yours.
That is all we need.
The overall look we're going for is very warm and inviting.
We're thinking soft wood, an overstuffed linen sofa That sounds great, but I already know what I want.
I ripped that out of a magazine.
This is Donald Trump's office.
Isn't it cool? I love that desk, black marble and chrome.
And look at that samurai sword, and those dragon lamps.
I'm sorry, are you planning to take over the world with your death ray? I think this is impressive.
But it's not you.
You'd need a telephone book to sit behind that desk.
Lynette, if this is what our client wants Thank you, Renee.
You know, when Doug played for the Yankees, "The Donald" invited us on his yacht all the time.
I'll just call his assistant and find out where they got the desk.
The Donald You're wondering if you can pull off "The Tom," aren't you? No.
Good.
Because the idea of you in an office like this Is totally workable.
Why don't we get some pieces in here over the weekend and you can take a look on Monday.
Now that is the attitude I like! Can do! I have a meeting.
Great work, everyone.
See Phyllis on your way out, she'll validate your parking.
Wow, that was easy.
I know a place that has these fabulous chrome and steel pieces We're not doing that.
Why not? Because that's not Tom.
He's definitely a soft wood kind of guy.
Okay, lesson one, Tom is the client.
If he wants a big-shot office, he gets it.
And lesson two, no man wants to be referred to as "soft wood.
" Felicia, what are you doing here? I am sorry to drop by without calling.
Is this a bad time? Yeah, it is.
I'm in the middle of cooking dinner.
Of course.
I just I was missing Beth so much.
And then I remembered that part of her was still alive somewhere.
Could you spare a few minutes for a woman who lost her only child? Sure.
Come in.
It smells good.
It's for Paul.
Chicken pot pie.
Right.
You said you we're cooking for him.
That's so thoughtful.
Well, just trying to be a good friend.
I hope that we can be friends, too.
You do? You and me? Friends? I know what you're thinking.
What I did to Paul was horrible.
But thank God, he's forgiven me.
And now I just want things back to normal.
I even got this glove so people wouldn't be put off by me.
What, you mean the finger thing? Oh, people hardly notice it.
But the glove is good.
Oh! What's wrong? I get these migraines.
Could I trouble you for some aspirin? Sure.
Hang on.
Mmm! This smells wonderful.
I wouldn't begin to know how to make a pot pie.
Well, the crust is store-bought.
But don't tell Paul, okay? Don't you worry.
I know how to keep a secret.
"With repeated small doses of the toxin, "death is both slow and agonizing.
" What did I tell you, dear? It's so much better than a bullet.
"Initial symptoms include nausea and vomiting.
"These are followed by metabolic acidosis "and cardiovascular dysfunction.
" He'll think it's his heart.
As if he had one.
"And finally, acute renal failure "and death.
" And you know the best part? I couldn't get near Paul's food if it weren't for you.
Or at least that last little piece of you that's still alive in Susan.
It just goes to show You may be gone, but we're still one heck of a team.
Susan, how's he doing? I don't get it.
He just keeps getting worse and worse.
I think I'm going to have to start bringing him breakfast, too.
You're a good friend.
Daddy! I missed you so much.
I missed you, too.
Why don't you guys go wash up for dinner? Go on.
So, tomorrow after school, they come back to me, right? Right.
Carlos, how did we get here? We're talking like a divorced couple.
What do you want me to say? Just tell me how long is this going to go on? How long are you going to be friends with Bree? Carlos 'Cause that is how long it's going to go on.
What are you doing? Giving my plant a drink.
Why do you hate Mommy so much? I don't hate Mommy.
I just I'm mad at something Bree did.
What did she do? Well, it's kind of a grownup thing, honey.
You guys say that about everything you don't want to talk about.
You're right.
Sit.
You know Grandma died.
But you never heard the story of how it happened.
Hey, have you seen our bank statement? I'm in the middle of a quiz.
Well, I think you might like this a lot better than, "Are You Having Enough Orgasms?" Oh! I just had one.
We actually have money! We paid all of our bills and we have money left over.
Well, the insurance is covering your surgery 100%.
And add that to the money you won playing poker, by the way don't do that again, and we're finally out of the hole.
In fact, we can afford to move back into our old house.
Oh, that would be great.
But we can't until Paul's ready to leave.
Well, he might be ready a little sooner if his new best buddy asked him.
Mike, I'm not going to do that to Paul.
I mean, think of what he's been through.
He's a wreck.
Well, maybe moving out of a house filled with memories of Beth would be good for him.
Am I supposed to believe that you are suddenly interested in Paul's well-being? Look, I don't like the guy.
I never will.
But as long as you're taking him under your wing, why can't we get something out of it? So, now do you understand why I'm so upset? I know it's a complicated story.
Do you have any questions? No, Daddy.
Okay.
I'm going to go grab my wallet.
And we are going to go get pizza.
Celia, come here.
You know what Daddy just told me? Bree killed Grandma.
Hello, girls.
Did you have a nice time at your father's last night? Uh-huh.
Well, now that you're back at my house, I'd like to try once again to discuss my rules.
Would that be okay? Yes, Mrs.
Van De Kamp.
Hello, Gabby.
What is this? Juanita's helping me make dinner.
Good job.
Now, after you're done washing the Brussels sprouts, you can help me set the table.
Yes, Mrs.
Van De Kamp.
Brussels sprouts? You do know the girls are eating here tonight? Yes.
Don't they like Brussels sprouts? Sure, as projectiles.
Well, they'll eat them tonight or no cupcakes.
You actually left those out in plain sight? Have you learned nothing? You could lose the sideboard.
They won't touch them.
Not till I tell them they can.
Thank you for straightening up, Celia.
Now would you please help your sister in the kitchen? Okay, what the hell did you do to them? Oh, I simply sat them down and explained what I expected of them while they're staying here.
Cut the crap, Van De Kamp.
Did you give them drugs? Threaten them? Children don't respond to threats.
They respond to structure, provided with a firm hand.
So you hit them.
If you stick to my system, by the time you take these girls back to Carlos, they will be perfectly behaved.
You're welcome.
Hey, sweetie.
You can relax, she went upstairs.
No, I have to get this done.
Do you want a cupcake? Mrs.
Van De Kamp says those are for after dinner.
Well, Mrs.
Van De Kamp isn't here.
Mmm! I'm not saying I love this more than you and Celia, but if the three of you fell in a pool and I could only save two, one of you would finally get her own room.
Here, sneak this upstairs.
Eat it later.
No, thanks.
I'll have an apple.
What did she do to you? How did she break you? Okay, those go right in front of the desk.
- Yes, ma'am.
-And watch the Yeah.
Thank you.
What's going on? I told the movers to be here at 11:00.
Yeah, I made a teensy change.
And this is not the furniture I ordered.
Again, teensy change.
Oh, my God, I can't believe you did this behind my back! We're supposed to be a team.
I almost bought you coffee this morning without you even asking.
But you didn't.
Yeah, and I felt bad about it.
Till now.
I've got two dragon lamps in my car, what the hell am I supposed to do with those? I'm sorry.
But trust me, I'm saving us time.
How? Tom said what he wants.
Tom said what he thinks he wants.
I know what he really wants.
And you have to admit, it looks pretty good, doesn't it? All comfy and cozy? Yeah, Lynette.
You did a great job ignoring what he asked for.
All that's missing is an antique jar for Tom to put his testicles in.
Juanita, what is it? -Don't kill me! -Ma! You're just having a nightmare.
Honest.
Everything is okay! They won't come out.
-Not even for you? -Nope.
That's how scared you got them.
I swear I didn't do anything.
I went in to check on them and they got hysterical.
Carlos, it's me.
Where are you? The girls won't come out for anyone except their "Daddy.
" It's about time! Okay, Carlos Who the hell are you? Detective Vance, Fairview PD.
We got a 911 call from two girls who said their mom's crazy friend is trying to kill them.
What? Hello, again.
I guess you found someone to loan you that gun.
Okay, I spoke with the girls.
They're pretty sure that Mrs.
Van De Kamp here was trying to murder them.
Well, that's preposterous.
Why would they say such a thing? Well, that's not all they said.
Gabby.
What's with the panic phone calls? It's nothing.
The girls got all freaked out and called the police.
-Freaked out about what? -Are you the father? Yeah.
Carlos Solis.
Detective Vance.
Mr.
Solis, did you tell your daughter that Mrs.
Van De Kamp killed your mother? Did you tell her that, sir? I think I know what this is.
Me and the girls were talking about my mother's death, and I said being apart from their mom felt almost as bad.
And I said that I blamed Bree for that.
They must have gotten confused.
Yeah.
Well, don't be mad at them.
It's hard on kids when their parents are apart.
It's actually kind of funny if you think about it.
I mean, not "funny" funny, but "sad" funny.
Daddy! Hey, girls.
So sorry to have dragged you out here in the middle of the night.
No problem.
I hope everything, you know, works out.
Let me walk you to your car.
Let's go pack your stuff.
I'm taking you home.
I'm glad you didn't kill someone.
I would've felt pretty dumb for not arresting you when I had the chance.
Tell me something.
When someone calls 911, don't they usually just send a patrolman? I was at dispatch when the call came through.
When I heard the address, I said I'll take it.
I wanted to see you again.
Really? About what? Your neighbor, Mrs.
Tillman.
Here's my card.
If you see anything suspicious, I want you to call me.
Okay.
Or even if you don't.
What is it about you? I never have a clue what you're thinking.
I'm a detective.
I find clues, I don't give them.
Good night, citizen.
Good night, Detective.
They are almost done packing.
I can't believe you told them.
Juanita wanted to know why we were fighting.
I told her the truth.
Great.
So now they think Mommy walked out on Daddy to live with the lady that killed Grandma! Well, that is kind of what you did.
And I never said that Bree killed their grandma.
I said that she helped the person who did kill her get away with it.
Yes.
She was protecting her child.
Which is exactly what we'd do if it was our kid in trouble.
Families stick together! Then why are you living here? Why did you pick Bree over me? Carlos, thank you for not saying anything in front of that policeman.
You think I did this for you? Well, I just assumed That was for Andrew.
He was a kid when all this happened.
You weren't.
Okay, lay off her, Carlos.
She's apologized again and again.
Well, I don't forgive her.
And as long as you're taking her side, I don't forgive you either.
We're ready, Daddy.
Let's go home.
I'm sorry.
I just keep waiting for this to blow over.
We have to face it, Gabby.
This is never going to blow over.
So what am I going to do? You're going to go home to your husband.
I feel guilty enough about Carlos losing his mother.
I will not be responsible for him losing his wife.
That means you and me Yeah.
I know.
I'll call you, okay? Please don't.
These look delicious.
Nicely done.
Well, I had help.
I just stirred the batter.
A very important job.
So you get to try the first one.
No.
I don't want to spoil my dinner.
Please? I want to know that they taste good.
And I'm allergic to nuts.
Well, I guess that makes me the guinea pig.
Best I've ever tasted! But not good enough to finish? They're terrible, aren't they? You know what, I'm gonna toss these and start again.
No, you can't.
I just didn't want to break my diet.
But who can resist with these? They're really good? Like nothing I have ever eaten.
I'm gonna get you some milk to wash that down.
No, I can't stay.
I Need to go buy a new handbag.
What's wrong with that one? My keys.
You're not still mad at me, are you? No.
I'm good.
Because I think we're gonna see a happy client walk out of his new office.
Any second now.
You two I love it! -You do? -Love it! You do! Great.
Well, you live with someone for 25 years you might know a thing or two about a thing or two.
Come on.
But that's not Where we told them to put the desk.
You're right, Lynette.
What are you talking about? It's perfect right here.
I mean, look at this.
The only way it could be more intimidating is if flames shot out of it.
Is there any way that we could Nah, forget it.
And what is it about leather that just says, "I own your ass?" Oh! "I'm out of order? No, you're out of order! Get out!" So, you really like this? I love it.
You know, I was a little worried about how this was going to work out, but you came through.
I mean, you captured it.
It's amazing.
I'll tell you what's amazing The rug that we haven't put down yet.
Let's get to that showroom, Lynette, before some other hotshot takes it.
Thanks again! Hey.
How could you do that? Do what? Make our customer happy? He's kidding himself.
That testosterone trap is not Tom.
Maybe it's not the Tom who's been pitching in with carpool the past few years.
But the Tom who's running this company? Yeah, it is.
And you need to accept that.
You're not gonna accept that.
No.
You cannot be serious.
What are you talking about? This! This whole Master of the Universe playroom.
I thought you liked it.
I hate it! Then why did you do it this way? I didn't.
I had a whole other office in here! Then Renee came and changed it.
Then good for Renee.
At least one of you gets me.
Tom This office is not who you are.
You're a great, down-to-earth guy, not some jerk that has to show people how powerful he is.
I am powerful.
And I do need to show it.
I am surrounded by gunslinger kids who'd steal this job in a heartbeat if they weren't a little scared of me.
I have a role to play, and I play it damn well.
And I'm sorry if that threatens you.
It doesn't threaten me.
I just don't want to lose the guy I married.
You mean Tom the Screw-up? The one who couldn't make a "go" of the pizza parlor? The one you could always put your arm around at the end of the day and say, "It's okay, honey.
I'll get us through.
" Don't make it sound like I'm not glad you're succeeding.
'Cause I am.
You say that.
You say that all the time.
But I am waiting for a sign to see that you actually mean it.
And I thought this office was that sign.
I mean, I walked in here and I thought, "How great is this? "She gets it.
She's happy.
She's proud of me.
" My mistake.
Yeah? Ed Nicks.
You in? Yes.
We can't end the conversation like this.
I have to take this call.
Hey, Eddy, how are you? What, are you kidding? The chance to kick your ass at golf and take your money? You don't have to ask me twice.
Tuesday works.
Yeah, I'll let you hit from the ladies tees.
No good, huh? No, I'm just not very hungry these days.
Are you okay? -A little dizzy.
-Sit.
I'll clean up.
Oh! You took down Beth's painting.
Yeah.
Some days it's nice to be reminded of her.
But others It's too many memories.
Hey.
Did you ever think living in this house might be one of the reasons you feel so bad? Maybe you could use a change of scenery? You mean leave Fairview? No, no, no.
Just this house.
I couldn't do that to you.
Where are you going to find another tenant? Well, that's the great part.
Mike and I have been saving up, and now we're ready to move back in.
I'm an idiot.
What? Very impressive, Susan.
I actually thought you gave a damn about me.
What are you talking about? Of course I do.
Bringing me food, checking in on me.
It was a masterful performance.
It must have been hard being patient, though.
Not show your hand too soon.
You don't give a crap about me.
It's this house you wanted.
No, Paul, that's not true.
I swear.
Mike suggested it, and I Mike.
Of course he's in on it.
I bet you had a hell of a time planning out the whole thing.
I knew nobody on this street cared about me.
But for you to pretend you did, just to get something out of me, that makes you the worst one of all.
Paul, please Oh! Ah! Leave me alone! And this time I mean it.
People do good deeds for many reasons.
But sometimes good deeds have bad consequences.
Correcting a colleague's mistake could breed resentment.
Opening one's home to a friend can damage that friendship.
Trying to bring a spouse closer might push her further away.
That's why there's an old expression about helping people.
No good deed goes unpunished.