Cheers s07e21 Episode Script

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey, everybody! I have a great new way to promote the bar.
( others groaning ) REBECCA: No, no, no, no, you're gonna like this one; it's different.
It not only demonstrates social concern, but it is also contemporary and hip.
Now, Cheers is the bar that cares.
Therefore, if you are not in condition to drive yourself home, we will appoint a designated driver, free of charge.
Oh, that's nice, that's really nice.
So is anybody a little tipsy? Come on, don't be ashamed.
Does anybody feel that they might have the slightest difficulty driving themselves home? I might.
Well, hi.
I'm Rebecca Howe.
And I would be happy to drive you home myself.
That's very nice of you.
Where do you live? Philadelphia.
Well, what's your address? Eh, it's a blue house; I'll know it when I see it.
( inaudible ) ( piano plays ) Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Frasier? It's time to take mother to her hair appointment.
Oh, well, then we'd better hurry up before they run out of her special shade of blue.
Frasier, how many times have mother and I asked you to cease and desist with the snide, cliché, battle-axe, mother-in-law jokes? You know mother's not like that.
You're right, dear, I'm sorry.
Uh, I was just trying to amuse my friends.
Geez, it wasn't very funny.
CLIFF ( chuckles ): Well, you-you know what was funny, when you said you could hear her perfume coming a mile away.
NORM: Yeah, yeah, or the one where you said, uh, she's had so many facelifts, if she wants to smile, she has to cross her legs.
Lilith, you understand, it was all in-in good humor, you know.
Of course.
You know I have a sense of humor about mother.
Now, say good-bye to your friends.
You're grounded for six weeks.
Shoot! Hey, Sam.
Hey, Woody, what's new? Well, nothing much.
Oh, your car alarm's going off.
What? Someone's breaking in my car and you don't run in here to tell me? We're not talking about any car here, man, we're talking about my 'Vette! It's a classic, it's irreplaceable! Hey, why don't you come in and sit down here.
Sam, what about your alarm? Well, you're taking care of that, Woody, aren't you? I was? Oh, I must be off in another world.
Sammy's done it again.
How come he always spots the gorgeous ones first? 'Cause he doesn't spend all his time peeling dead skin off his elbows? What, are you gonna do it for me? So, how can I help you? I'm looking for Becky Howe.
Wow, well, Becky'll be here in a minute.
In the meantime, can I interest you in a Sam Malone? No, thanks.
But I will have a Perrier with lime.
Ah.
Sworn off the hard stuff, huh? Coming right up.
Sam.
Yeah? It was nothing.
Oh, thanks.
Hey, listen, you know that girl you were talking to? Yep.
I swear I've seen her someplace before.
Well, she asked for Rebecca.
Called her Becky.
Must be old friends.
Yeah, that could explain a lot.
What's that supposed to mean? CLIFF: Well, figure it out.
Rebecca, who doesn't date, suddenly has this good-looking friend show up.
A slender, boyish, female friend, with whom she probably, uh, sunbathed nude somewhere, perhaps on the Isle of Lesbos.
They ever get the tests back on that dog that bit you? So, uh, where do you know Becky from? She's my sister.
I'm Susan Howe.
You're sisters?! Well, of course! God, I love sisters! I love the whole idea of sisters.
Well, any sister of Rebecca is a Are there any more of you? Uh, afraid not.
Well, no, that's You're more than enough.
( laughs ): Oh, wow! ( whispers ): Sam, come here.
Let me tell you something.
Excuse me.
What? I just remembered who she is.
That's Susan Howe.
I know, she's Rebecca's sister.
No, the actress-- I saw her in Night of the Mutants.
What, is that a movie, or your family reunion? A movie, Carla.
I don't remember, uh, Rebecca saying anything about having a sister who was in a horror movie.
Are you sure about that? Let me check.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
You know, if she had another, smaller head growing out of her neck, I'd be positive.
I got to check this out.
Hey, ask her if they let her keep the little head.
Sorry about that.
Uh, bar business.
So, what brings you to Boston? I'm shooting a bank commercial.
Oh, I was right! You are Susan Howe, the actress.
I loved you in that two-headed movie.
Oh, which one? I did two of them.
Was it the one where the head was coming out of my neck? Uh, yeah, that's the one.
Oh, thank goodness, because the other one I am not proud of.
Oh.
Well, so, you're, uh, you're here to see Becky, huh? How long has it been since the two of you saw each other? Ooh, it must be three years.
We had a little falling out.
I only hope we're grown up enough now to kiss and make up.
Grown-up sisters, kissing and making up.
That warms my cockles.
( chuckles ) Let's get you two gals back together, shall we? Will you excuse me just a minute here? CLIFF: So, uh, what's the bone, Jerome? Any late-breaking bulletins here? Yeah, oh, yeah.
I think I'm on to something here, fellas.
Carla, you hate your sister, don't you? Sure, why? Well, what would I have to do to get the two of you back together again? Simple, Sam, ask me to come down and identify her body.
She's missing the point.
Can you imagine what the reward might be for anybody who would act as a peacemaker between these two tragically estranged but perky-bottomed sisters? Ah To Sammy, the man who keeps the dream alive.
CARLA: Wait a minute.
What makes you think you can get the both of them? It's taken you two years to get a polite kick in the teeth from number one.
( chuckling ): Carla, Carla, Carla.
Am I gonna have to teach you about women? Yeah, Cliff, why don't you? Nah, you better take this one, Sammy.
I don't want to hog the spotlight.
Carla I know you don't have a lot of experience with this, but sometimes women get really happy.
And when that happens, they get all emotional and vulnerable.
And that's when it's time for a fella like me, who's very sensitive and caring, to move in and give new meaning to the words, "triple-decker Sam-ich.
" NORM: Hey, hey! CLIFF: Hey, hey! Hey! All right! So, Cliff Huh? tell me more about women.
Well, all right here, uh They're warm and soft, and ( sighs ) when they wash their cars, they're dressed in nothing but suds, a suntan and a cowboy hat.
Sorry, I must have drifted away there for a second.
( sighs ): So Oh, whoa, wait, wait, wait.
I've got a surprise for you.
Sam, move your hand; your cologne is stinging my eyes.
Come here, come here, there's someone waiting to see you, and you're never gonna guess who it is.
Careful, careful.
You are gonna love this.
Ta-da! Susan.
What are you doing here? I wanted to see you.
Well, now you've seen me.
Yep, yep, there you are.
Boy, oh, boy, is this a moment.
Yeah, I was here on a job, and I thought I'd drop in and say hello.
Hello.
Good-bye.
Fine, I tried.
You are obviously not interested.
Obviously.
No, no! Wait, wait, wait a minute.
Come back here.
Listen, listen.
You know what's happening here, you're both so excited to see each other that you're getting all tensed up here.
I think what we need to do is put ourselves into a little bit of a more relaxed situation.
I know this hot tub club where we can get group rates.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding about that.
What we should do is, we should go upstairs, and we should have lunch at Melville's.
Just the three of us.
What do you say? My treat.
Well, I did come here to make up.
Huh? I did skip breakfast.
All right! That's the spirit! Family! That's what made this country great.
Come on.
Sam Yes? why are you so desperate to see my sister and I make up? I mean, what is it to you? Is this another stupid ploy to get me into bed? Oh, come on, Rebecca, don't be ridiculous! I'm thinking of both of you.
This is nice.
Rebecca, I can't finish my filet.
Do you want the rest? Why, do you want me to get fat? Oh, come on, you have not been fat since you were 12 years old.
Of course, you were the Goodyear blimp then.
At least when I gave my "I am an American" speech at the Flag Day assembly, I did not wet myself.
Rebecca, I was six.
But she did, Sam, she did.
Shut up.
You shut up.
No, you shut up.
No, you shut up! Shut up! This is nice.
You know, I really don't think this was such a good idea, Sam.
And I hope you'll excuse me, Susan, if I don't clean your table scraps.
Oh, wait a minute, sit down, will you, pl? Girls, girls, girls, what is the big problem between you two anyway? Sam, it is one of those complicated issues that you can't just pin down into one certain thing.
Well, try.
( sighs ): All right.
Dan Buddinger.
Mike Dietz, Jeff Carnahan, Ron Allen, Steve Melman, Terry Toban, Clay Fisher Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Does this have anything to do with boy trouble? Yes.
The trouble is, she can't keep her hands off my boys.
If it bothered you that much why didn't you just take them back? Because I didn't want to stoop to your level! Besides, I tried and it didn't work.
Look, the point is, that was back when we were kids.
A million things have changed.
No, no, no, the fact still remains that every time I am attracted to a guy, you are on him like white on rice.
So excuse me if I don't leap over there and say forgive me, please, please, please, for breaking my heart over and over and over and over.
Excuse me, I have to get out of here.
I have work to do.
Sam, I'm sorry you had to see that.
Well, that's okay.
I don't think it was fair for Rebecca to say that you tried to steal every guy she ever got interested in.
But I'm warning you right now, missy, you better not try that with me.
Oh, Rebecca's interested in you? Are you kidding me? She's got a big old crush on me.
Well, I am glad to see she hasn't lost her good taste.
Well, that's very sweet of you to say that.
More wine? This is nice.
This is very nice.
I snuck out of the house.
So don't tell Lilith.
Gee, where's Sam? Oh, he'll be here any minute.
He's still up having lunch with Miss Howe's sister, Miss Howe.
Oh, you mean Rebecca's sister's in town.
Susan Howe, the, uh, movie star.
You mean, the Susan Howe, the star of Night of the Mutants? Wow.
You saw it? Well, yes.
Lilith and I rented it last week.
Oh, really? You two don't seem the slasher-movie type.
Oh, well, purely for scientific purposes of course.
But, you know, this may surprise you-- I rather enjoyed it.
See, I think films with scenes of graphic disembowelment and mutilation can, in some cases, help people to, well, release some of the fears and aggressions of modern society.
Also, it's the first time Lilith's mother went home before 9:00 screaming.
Hey, everybody.
Oh, Miss Howe, I'm Dr.
Frasier Crane.
My wife and I rented your film Night of the Mutants last week, and, uh, well, I was wondering, um could I have your autograph? Ah Sure.
Thank you.
Uh, I tell you what, just make it out to "Mother Sternin.
" And say, if you would, "I know where you live and I'm going to get you.
" Hey, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, what's the skinny, huh? Yeah, what's the score? Two to one? Guys, guys, I know I've accomplished some truly legendary feats in my day, but this this is my masterpiece.
This is my Moaning Lisa.
( chuckling ) Okay, tell me: what's the plan and how are we involved? Well, here it is and you're not.
Turns out that these two sisters are very competitive-- especially when it come to guys.
So all I had to do was let the little one know that the big one had the hots for me and bingo, she was eating out of my hand.
Was she wearing a cowboy hat? It's a figure of speech, Cliffie.
Well, she could have been.
What I need to do now is make sure that the big one knows that the little one is interested and I will be ping-ponging between the two of them until they bury me with a smile on my face.
( chuckling ) No, please stop.
I'm too young to die.
( screams ) Breathtaking! Thanks.
You guys are a great audience.
What'd I miss? Have you had her scream for you, Sam? Later, Woody.
Later.
Okay, uh, let's see, the plan is that I meet you back here at closing time, right? Yeah, can't wait.
Yeah.
See you then.
Oh, boy.
Yeah, it's not fair.
All the chicks in that family are loaded with great faces, hair, bods.
What'd my family get? Look at the bright side, Carla.
Probably takes them hours to get ready every morning, whereas you look the same with or without makeup, and your hair practically combs itself.
Thanks, Woody.
Never hurts to spread a little sunshine.
( knocking on door ) Hi.
Hi.
So, what is it? Well, um, I don't I don't want to get in the middle of a family squabble, but your sister just asked me out.
She what?! Yeah, is that the craziest thing, or what? She obviously thinks that I'm attracted to you.
Oh, come on, why would she think that? I don't know; did you say something? Me? Come o What would I have to gain by saying something like that? Man, this makes me so furious! She comes out here and she says that she's sorry and she wants to make up for it, and then the second my back is turned, she comes onto the guy she thinks is my boyfriend.
If there's just something you could do to get back at her.
What could we do, what could we do, what could we do? Did you say that you'd go out with her? Yeah, but I could kick myself for that.
That was perfect.
Sit down here a second.
You know how you've always wanted to go out with me? Yeah.
Well, now your wish is going to come true.
You break that date with my sister, and I will go out with you.
Oh.
Oh, boy.
That is vicious, but she asked for it.
And, Sam? Yeah? Thank you.
Oh, you kidding me? Come on, what are friends for? ( register rings ) Well, fellas at this very moment, Rebecca Howe is in her house spending two hours getting into an outfit she's going to spend two minutes getting out of.
Hey, what are you going to do about that sister, huh? Oh, I already made a phone call to postpone our date.
Oh, you going to take her out tomorrow night? No, I'm going to take her out in a couple of hours.
No, don't worry.
We'll be back here in the morning for our usual debriefing.
By that time, I'll be able to compare and contrast them.
And that's when this stuff gets really interesting.
Yeah.
Sammy? Yeah? Sorry I was a little hard on you before, but you know, I was just trying to make you reach.
Push out the edges of the envelope.
CLIFF: We're all proud of you, Sammy.
God bless you on this night, Sam Malone.
Oh.
At la Susan.
Oh, Sam, I know you put off our date, but I just couldn't wait to see you.
You're all I've been thinking about today.
Is there someplace private we can go for a few minutes where I can touch you and hold you? Um, usually I go for this stuff in a big way, but at the moment I'm in a little bit of a time jam here.
Oh, I'm so in the mood.
And I am so good when I am in the mood.
Would you excuse me for a second? I got to make a quick phone call.
I'll be right back.
Oh, come on, Rebecca, pick up, pick up, pick up, please.
Pick up, pick up, pick up.
As long as you're not going to be talking with those lips ( groaning ) ( provocative chuckle ) ( both moaning and chuckling ) Oh ( both continue moaning ) Sam, I'm ready for our date.
Susan! Uh, Rebecca, I can explain this.
Wait, just Ow.
My finger's caught in your bra.
Listen You don't owe me an explanation.
It's Susan.
It's always been Susan.
My entire life, it has been Susan.
I'm glad you saw us.
You deserve to be hurt.
Oh, no, sister.
Come on.
I don't hurt anymore; I am way beyond hurt.
Don't be silly, now, girls, please, please.
And now it is Susan Howe's turn to hurt.
( gasping ) Hey, that's a gun.
It ain't licorice.
No, come on, let Let's talk about this.
Now, this is silly.
No, please, I'm too young to die.
Rebecca.
( Susan screaming ) ( gunshot ) Oh! Holy cow! That was for Dan Buddinger.
And this is for Jeff Carnahan.
( gunshot ) Oh! And Mike Dietz.
( gunshot ) And Sam Malone.
( three gunshots ) Oh, boy, oh, boy! What did? What is it, Sam? Oh! What, because I killed my sister? Uh-huh! I didn't mean to do that anyway.
Oh, well, it's done.
All right we got to get this body out of here.
Wha? Wha? You got to help me, Sam; come on.
Come on, take a hold of her.
Come on.
Oh! Everybody does at least one bad thing in their life.
Sam, take her hands.
There.
All right, now, make sure nobody sees us.
( whimpering ) Stop being a baby! Oh! Oh, boy, oh, boy Move.
ALL: Sammy! She did it.
Boy, Sammy, when you said you were going to knock 'em off one at a time, you were serious.
Oh, no, no, no, you don't understand.
I mean, she she's real I'm dead.
( gasps ) ( laughter ) ( laughter continues ) That wasn't funny.
( laughter continues ) That wasn't funny.
I mean, that's the kind of thing that could, you know, give somebody serious mental damage.
Am I right, Lilith? No, it was funny, Sam.
( laughter continues ) Susan, Susan, you were so good.
Wasn't Susan good? SUSAN: You were pretty good yourself.
Sam, are you all right? I'm hurt.
I'm hurt and I'm I'm offended.
And quite frankly, I can't believe that you two think that this is some sort of silly joke.
Am I right, Norm? ( laughing ): Yeah.
I'm never going to speak to either one of you again.
Oh, Sam, that's really too bad, because you know, in a way, fending off your stupid advances brought Susan and I back together.
We haven't been this close since we were kids.
We're grateful.
How grateful?