Desperate Housewives s07e21 Episode Script

Previously on Desperate Housewives.
There was flirtation.
Here's my card.
If you see anything suspicious, I want you to call me.
Or even if you don't.
There was confrontation.
After all those years that I supported you, took a back seat to your career, you couldn't do the same for me.
There was a fight.
Leave me alone! And there were consequences.
Susan Delfino was charitable to a fault.
She just couldn't resist lending a hand.
There wasn't a lost pet she could ignore, a girl in uniform she could refuse, or a struggling artist she could say "no" to.
So when it came to a neighbor in need Oh, my God! Paul, what happened? Susan was only too eager to help.
I started having chest pains, passed out, came to and dialed 911.
They've been running tests all night.
Well, I'm gonna be here for you till they figure it out.
I brought you these, magazines, water.
You're unbelievable.
I've got a street full of neighbors, and the only one who comes to see me is the woman I yelled at.
Sorry about that.
It's my fault.
I shouldn't have asked you about getting my house back.
I sounded like a vulture.
Mr.
Young, we've got your test results.
Could you excuse us for a moment, Susan? Oh, yeah.
I'll wait outside.
Well, good news.
Your EKG came back normal.
So it's not a heart attack? It's not a heart attack.
It says here you've been experiencing dizziness, nausea, stomach cramps.
That's right.
What do you think it is? I think, unless you've been poisoned or you're pregnant, it's probably just stress.
Poisoned? Yeah, I remember this case when I was an intern.
A man came in with the same symptoms.
Turns out his wife was putting antifreeze in his oatmeal.
Little bit every day so it wasn't obvious.
But eventually it killed him.
Good lesson for all of us.
Don't piss off the old lady.
What'd he say? He thinks it's stress.
Just stress? That's a relief.
So you must be starving.
What can I make you for dinner tonight? Yes, Susan Delfino just couldn't resist lending a hand to a neighbor in trouble.
I'm sure anything you bring will be a huge help to me.
Which was about to cause her some trouble of her own.
No matter how secure we are, we all experience moments of dread.
It may be just before we open our credit card bill or hand over a note from our teacher.
Or step on the scale after a week away from the gym.
Yes, we all experience moments of dread.
And sometimes, we have no one to blame but ourselves.
Daddy's home.
How are my Shh! "Bloody Stranger Two?" She can't watch this.
Daddy, no! This is about some stranger who comes to town and starts murdering slutty teenagers.
Yeah, it's a good lesson for when she's older.
Don't be a slutty teenager.
Gabby, this is way too violent.
Oh, the kid's used to violence.
You've seen me make her eat carrots.
Besides, Juanita knows the movie's fake.
Right, honey? Duh.
There's no way one spear gun could shoot through three heads in real life.
Exactly.
Two maybe.
Maybe.
Hey Oh, Carlos, relax.
Juanita's tough.
She'll be fine.
He's out there! Calm down, sweetie.
Who's out there? The bloody stranger.
He was standing on our lawn looking at our house.
The "bloody stranger.
" Nice.
No Honey, we talked about this, remember? How it's all pretend? Can I sleep in here with you guys? You can sleep with her.
I'm gonna sleep in your bed.
Celia's in my bed.
Then I'll sleep in Celia's bed.
She wet her bed.
Come on in.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Look who's home in time for dinner.
Yeah, well, I couldn't miss spaghetti night.
Spaghetti night's Tuesday, Dad.
You made it home for taco night.
Taco night? Ay, caramba! Oh! No.
I'm kidding.
Hey, your mom made a lovely dinner.
So the least that I could do was bring home dessert.
Plane tickets? That's right.
I planned the family vacation this year.
You did what? Seven days, six nights at the Royal Kailua Spa and Resort in Hawaii! Oh, my God.
I've never been there.
Dad, well done, sir.
Come on, baby! Yes! You bought the tickets without talking to me first? Okay, not exactly "Wow, Tom, you're the greatest husband in the world" But I told you I already planned our vacation, just like I've been doing for the last 16 years.
Well, there you go, you deserve a year off.
Wait until you see the water slides at this place! Cool! Yeah.
Yeah, cool.
Except I just spent two weeks mapping out a route for a camping trip.
And I put a deposit down on an RV.
Okay, so we eat the deposit.
Wish I could eat it right now.
And I told my sister we'd stop by and visit on the way.
We get back from Hawaii, we fly her out to see us here.
Boom, problem solved.
That's great.
- Shalom, baby.
- That's brilliant, Daddy.
And yet still no "You're the greatest husband in the world"? Uh Oh, my God.
First class? You are the greatest husband in the world! Oh, my God.
I'm going to Hawaii! Yes! Hawaii! Yeah.
Mmm-hmm.
Oh, yeah.
Hawaii.
Principal Hobson! Principal Hobson? Principal Hobson! Susan.
Hey.
Great to see you.
Did you get my e-mails? I sent you, like, 10.
E-mails? No.
Oh, well, in the first one I said All right, I got them.
And I would be glad to give you your job back, but I'm afraid it just isn't going to happen.
Oh, why not? Susan, you can't be surprised that there are consequences when you show up on the Internet holding a feather duster and wearing a purple bra.
That was very specific.
Well, I I had to verify the claims in order to My point is, the damage was done.
I know.
I made a mistake.
But I feel like I deserve a second chance.
If it were up to me, I would give you that chance.
But you know private schools.
The Parents' Council has all the power.
So if I were to win them over Well, that would be a start.
Thank you.
I'll take it from here.
Oh, and I promise no feather duster, no purple bra.
And no black bustier.
Nice talking to you.
Oh, Detective Vance.
I was just heading out.
I won't keep you.
I just stopped by to give you another card to replace the one you lost.
What makes you think I lost it? I gave it to you two days ago and you never called me.
So I'm assuming you lost it.
No, I didn't.
Now is that nice? I give you a graceful way to spare my feelings, and you clobber me with facts.
You sure you didn't lose it? Quite sure.
In fact, it's right here, in my purse.
You didn't throw it away, that must mean you were thinking of calling.
Look, this is my second try.
I can't ask you again.
Is that an ultimatum? It's a fact of courtship.
Twice is charmingly persistent.
Once more and I'm stalking you.
So you're "courting me"? I'm trying to.
When will you stop playing hard to get? Maybe when you stop playing hard to want.
You see how much you enjoy smacking me down? Why pass up a chance to do it all night? Come on, one dinner.
Fine.
This Thursday.
8:00 p.
m.
Great.
See you then.
I thought you were heading out.
Right.
You want me to test a tuna noodle casserole? Is that a problem? Well, normally we test stuff like soil samples and groundwater, but, sure, I can do it.
What are you looking for? Antifreeze.
Hey, what are you doing tonight? A friend of mine's playing at a jazz club.
Oh, thanks, Renee, but I have a date.
If you don't want to come just say so.
You don't have to make stuff up.
No, I really do have a date.
Is that so hard to believe? Slightly.
So, who is he? He's a detective.
His name is Chuck, Chuck Vance.
Well, don't stop.
I want to hear it all.
Actually, that's all I know.
That's it? And you agreed to go out with him? I never date a guy until I've done a complete background check.
Maybe I should just google him.
Amateur.
Give me his name and I will find out everything worth knowing.
Marital history, net worth, the results of his last physical The physical seems excessive.
That's what I thought 'til I spent a weekend pinned under a dead linebacker.
Mmm.
Why would you let her watch something called Bloody Stranger Two? I know, I know, I'm an idiot.
Now she's having nightmares and crawling into our bed every night.
When I was a kid, I had bad dreams like you wouldn't believe.
"Jumping out of bed, running down the hall screaming" kind of dreams.
So, what did you do? I guess I outgrew them.
-You did? -Mmm-hmm.
Juanita, come here! What are you doing? I figured you could talk to her.
You know, give her one of those "it gets better" speeches you gays love so much.
Sweetie, Lee wants to talk to you.
Your mom says you've been having nightmares.
What are they about? I see this creepy guy standing on our lawn.
Oh, you poor thing.
You know, when I was little, I had nightmares, too.
-Really? -Yeah.
My brother told me that there was a hospital for the criminally insane on the outskirts of town.
And at night the inmates would escape and kidnap little boys and girls.
But it's not real.
His brother was just trying to scare him.
Oh, no.
It's totally real.
One summer, three kids went missing.
Until they found them.
Right.
About a month later.
In a ravine.
Alive! No.
Come on, they were in a ravine.
What good ever comes out of a ravine? What the hell was that? I'm just showing her there's nothing to be frightened of.
My story's way scarier than hers.
Okay.
So, Cindy's in charge of decorations, Abby, you're handling music Oh, sorry, sorry.
Don't let me interrupt.
Susan? What are you doing here? I heard you guys were planning a Open House night, and I'd love to pitch in.
How can I help? Let's see.
You're legendary for your cleaning abilities.
That didn't take long.
Do you need any refreshments? I could make something.
Thanks, but if we need any help, we'll call you.
Is it still 99 cents a minute? Okay, looks like we should just get this out there.
My family had a really crappy year.
I did some things that I am not proud of.
But I was a damn good teacher when I was at this school, and I was hoping that you ladies might eventually support hiring me back.
You want to teach here again? I think the Parents' Council might have a big problem with that.
Look, I'm not asking for your forgiveness, just a chance to earn it.
Let me do something for Open House.
I really do want to help.
Okay.
How about you pick up the streamers? Streamers? If you can handle it.
Just be careful not to confuse them with tassels.
Meeting adjourned.
I shouldn't even look at this.
It feels like such an intrusion.
And besides, he'll be here any minute.
Then I'm just in the nick of time.
You found something bad? Well, for me his salary alone makes him a non-starter.
But you may be more interested in what's on page three.
Is he a dirty cop? Or a Democrat? Worse.
Hello, Chuck.
I was afraid I was early, but it looks like you're all ready.
Oh, I'm ready all right.
Shall we? I hope this is okay.
You like Italian, right? Everybody likes Italian.
Oh, it's fine.
So Let's talk.
Tell me about yourself.
Tell me everything.
Okay.
What do you want to know? Oh, whatever you think is, hmm, pertinent.
Okay.
I was born in Pennsylvania.
I played some ball in college.
I have a degree in criminology.
Interesting.
Anything else? Well, I have two kids.
Oh, so you've been married.
Yeah, it didn't work out.
I hope you don't judge me for that.
Oh, no.
Not for that.
Is something wrong, Bree? I'm just wondering when you were going to tell me that you're still married.
I see you've done due diligence.
Did your source happen to mention that I filed for divorce last spring? And that it hasn't gone through, so technically you're still married.
You should have told me.
We haven't even ordered yet.
You expect me to lead with that? "Hey, I'm technically married.
The chicken looks good.
" You shouldn't be dating at all until your divorce is final.
What if you and your wife reconcile? I haven't spoken to my wife in a year without my lawyer present.
You can't blame me for doing a simple background check.
Hell no.
I'm sure you want to avoid another mistake like your second husband.
The hit-and-run driver.
Orson, was it? What? Tell me, who was creepier, him or that pharmacist who killed himself while you were dating? Where did you hear that? I pulled your police file.
I have a file? And you "pulled" it? How dare you investigate me before our date! Say that again, and this time listen for the irony.
There is no comparison to what I did.
You could have been dangerous.
I have to protect myself.
Oh, women can be dangerous, too.
Especially ones who own four handguns and a .
30-06 hunting rifle.
What's up with that? This is outrageous.
You are treating me like a common criminal! What can I get you folks to start? I will not be ordering.
I want to go home.
Now.
Come on, Bree.
Calm down.
Have a drink.
I don't drink.
Wasn't that in my file? Someone's slipping! -What are you doing? -Hmm? What do you think I'm doing? I think you're wasting your time.
Much as I did when I planned this year's vacation.
We should have discussed this.
I wanted to surprise you.
I wasn't surprised, I was blindsided.
You may call all the shots at work, but you're not the CFO of this family.
You're right.
For what it's worth, your road trip sounds amazing.
I just don't think it's gonna pan out for this summer.
But you made a hell of a great start for next year's trip.
Don't pull that management trick on me.
What trick? The "yes sandwich.
" Start with a compliment, lower the boom, end with a compliment.
It's the oldest trick in business.
And I taught it to you.
Lynette, I already promised Hawaii to the kids.
You want me to take it away? You saw how excited they were.
Only because they've never had a lavish vacation before.
Give me the same budget and I'll make my trip sound twice as good as yours.
Oh, I would love to see you try.
Okay, then, game on.
We'll We'll sit the kids down, we'll each make our presentation, let them decide.
Sounds fair to me.
Game on.
Okay.
Game on.
Honey.
I am not turned on.
You're a very handsome man.
We're not gonna have sex.
That's a "no sandwich.
" Level with me, Bree, do I still have a chance with you? None whatsoever.
Then this can't make things any worse.
That's right.
Keep driving, buddy.
Why did you do that? Get in, Violet.
Oh, my God! You couldn't have dropped me off before you pick up a prostitute? You arresting me, Chuck? Just taking you to the women's shelter.
So what is this, your good deed for the night? You trying to impress your date? No, that ship has sailed.
She hates me more than you do.
Why? What's wrong with him? Let's just say my opinion isn't any of your concern, miss.
You're better off without her, Chuck.
This one's got a stick up her ass.
And what qualifies you to make such snap judgments about people you've just met? I'm a hooker.
It's what I do.
Here we are.
And I'm watching to make sure you go in.
You know I'm just gonna be back on that corner tomorrow.
Yeah, well, that's tomorrow's problem.
When are you gonna give up? What I am now, that's all I'm ever gonna be.
You think so? Did you know that 10 years ago Bree here was turning tricks just like you? How dare you! Bree, she needs to hear this.
I must've hauled her ass in 50 times.
Then one day she said, "I'm better than this.
" She got herself to school.
Before you knew it she had a first-class catering company.
So don't try to tell me that you can't make a better life for yourself.
You were really on the street? Actually, I I don't like to talk about that part of my life.
I get it.
Look at you now, huh? It was really nice to meet you.
Likewise.
Thank you, Chuck.
Don't mention it.
I know, way out of line.
But you said I had no chance, so I figured what the hell.
Home? Yes, please.
You were right.
I found trace amounts of antifreeze.
But don't worry, it wouldn't have killed you.
What would happen if I ate one of these casseroles every day? Well, for one thing, you'd get tired of tuna casserole.
If you repeatedly consumed ethylene glycol, your heart would start to fail, your kidneys would give out, eventually you'd die.
It'd be a nasty way to go.
I can only imagine.
What are you doing? I thought I was borrowing Lynette's tent.
Turns out I borrowed a nylon bag of death.
Why are you setting up a tent? For Juanita.
I want to prove to her there's no scary guy on the lawn.
I figured if she spends a night camping out here, she'll get over it.
So, the kid is scared there's a killer lurking outside at night, and your solution is to make her sleep out here? Not alone, you dope.
You'll be with her.
Me? Yeah.
What if she's right? What if there is a killer? Or it's cold? Oh, forget it.
I got an early meeting tomorrow, and I'm not going in half-asleep because I slept on my lawn.
You caused this problem, you fix it.
Tonight.
And stop pouting.
It's fun to sleep outside.
I'm sure it is.
That must be why the homeless are always so cheery.
Come in.
Hey.
After our date, or rather, non-date, I was very confused.
Makes two of us.
I was offended when you didn't tell me the truth about your marriage and oddly touched when you told a complete stranger I was a whore.
Well, if you like that, you should wait 'til Valentine's Day.
I wanted to know your secrets right away and I didn't want to tell you mine until I felt I could trust you, and that wasn't fair.
I was no better.
When did dating become so complicated? We're not kids anymore.
We've both had our hearts kicked around.
I guess it's made us a little gun-shy.
If gun-shy's the right word for a woman with an arsenal as big as yours.
So what do we do? I say we forget about the crazy digging for dirt that we both did and just have a normal first date.
All right.
When? Well, it is lunchtime.
Why not? I know this little Indian place that does an amazing lamb vindaloo.
How did you know I like Indian food? I'd rather not say.
I don't even know why I want to work at that school again.
Those smug, cliquey moms.
I mean, can you believe that Dana gave me streamer duty? It's positively awful.
So, tell me, how is Paul? I hear he went to the hospital.
He thought he was having a heart attack, but the test results came back negative.
Do the doctors know what caused it? They think it's stress.
But I'm worried about him.
Oh, don't be.
Well, I think he should go back and have more tests done.
He'll be fine.
As a nurse, I saw time and again that the best prescription for stress is rest and good food.
So sweet of you to make these cookies for him.
Oh, yeah.
I hope it cheers him up.
I'm sure it's just what the doctor ordered.
Well, I wish I could do more.
Oh, Susan, you're doing more for Paul than you can possibly know.
The Grand Canyon.
Over a mile deep, it took six million years to form.
Sequoia National Forest.
A soaring monument to nature's majesty.
So that's our vacation? Looking at trees and a hole in the ground? Now, now, kids.
Your mom worked hard on this.
Be kind.
Yeah, yeah.
If the Grand Canyon isn't your scene Did she say "scene"? you're bound to love our next stop.
The Screamanator.
Seven minutes of sheer roller coaster terror.
Responsible Parenting magazine calls it the worst idea since the caffeinated juice box.
-That's awesome.
-Whoa -That's impressive.
- Oh, me likey.
That's pretty sweet.
Any and all of these thrilling destinations are available to us.
We just point the RV and drive.
-All right.
-Yes.
-Mom wins.
-Man, I can't wait.
Ooh, I forgot about the RV.
Won't it be a little cramped now that we have Paige? Oh! Maybe your Dad's right.
Maybe we shouldn't take the RV.
Maybe we should take -The Road Juggernaut Eight Thousand.
-Oh! State-of-the-art entertainment system, six private sleeping compartments, and two full baths.
One of which Justin Bieber used on his last tour to make water balloons.
Shut up! -Shut up! -Shut up! I'm blown away now, dude.
We are going on a vacation.
Follow that, Hawaii.
-Will you take that off? - No.
Juanita, you look ridiculous.
I don't care how I look.
I don't want that killer-guy to chop off my head.
First of all, a helmet wouldn't keep him from chopping off your head.
It would just mean I'd have to clean it before I gave it back to Parker.
Second, there is no killer-guy! It's an actor in a movie.
But I'm still scared.
It's okay to be scared.
It's even fun sometimes.
But you can't let that scared come from inside your own head.
And you have to be able to calm it down if it does.
What's that? It's people walking by, Juanita.
This is what I'm talking about.
This is where you take charge of your fear.
Mama! I think it's the killer! No, it's not, Juanita.
Mom! Look! Oh, God.
Who's out there? Go away! Gotcha! What the hell is wrong with you? I'm trying to help! By giving me a heart attack? You thought that would help? It kind of did.
Oh, Mom, you should've seen your face.
I just wanted to show you that not everything that looks scary actually is.
See? Plastic.
It's like the movie.
It looks scary, but it's fake.
Exactly.
Now I have to go.
Bob's in the shower, and he's about to pay for not liking my chicken pot pie.
So when you cast your vote tonight, kids, cast it for adventure, luxury, nature.
'Cause Hawaii has something for every Scavo.
Whether it is circling a smoking volcano in a helicopter, or swimming in crystal-clear waters with the dolphins.
It is the vacation of a lifetime.
Hawaii! Hawaii! Hawaii! Hawaii! Hawaii! Hawaii! Hawaii! Hawaii! I didn't want to do this.
You know who else loves swimming in those crystal-clear waters? Nature's hungriest predator, the great white shark.
Come on.
There hasn't been a shark attack on the island in forever.
Really? Or did they just fail to find the evidence? Great Whites tend to eat their victims.
What? This is very, very unlikely to happen.
You're right.
You're right.
I mean, especially if we all die first in a gruesome helicopter crash.
Now you see why the natives call them Death Birds.
You think you're gonna be safer driving across country? Who knows the number one cause of accidental death? Oh, I do! It's the car crash.
Don't worry, kids.
We're gonna hire a professional driver.
It won't be your dad.
Guys, can we go upstairs and talk about this before we vote? You bet.
-We await your verdict.
- Yup.
Aloha! God, you are a hypocrite.
How? Ten years ago.
Christmas.
We're standing in the scooter aisle at the toy store when I want to choose the twins' big present.
You say, "Tom, when you start making the money, "you can start making the decisions.
" You've been sitting on that for a decade? Wow.
Well, guess what? I make the money.
Big money.
More money than you ever did.
So I get to decide how we spend it.
We're supposed to be equal partners.
I just wanted a say in the process.
No, you don't.
You want to control the process, like you always do.
-Watch it.
-And you feel that power slipping away, and you can't stand it.
You can't stand that I am running the show.
"Running the show"? Are you kidding me? We're talking about a family vacation Not anymore, we are not.
This is about how you can't handle my success.
No.
You can't handle your success.
You've turned you into a pompous ass.
Maybe because it's turned you into a raging bitch.
Lee? I am warning you.
Once was funny, this time I will kill you.
Get out of here.
How's Penny? Really upset.
She kept crying and saying how she didn't want to choose.
I don't care where we go.
We'll take the road trip.
Not the vacation, Tom.
She doesn't want to choose which one of us to live with.
That is awful.
Why would she think that? Why wouldn't she? She's seen it happen to three of her friends.
We have always fought, Tom, but never like that.
I know.
It's got to stop.
I agree.
I mean, I'm scared to open my mouth for fear you're gonna bite my head off.
I'm sorry, was that an olive branch? I'm no better, okay? I miss dinner four nights a week, and even when I'm here, my mind is back at the office.
I think we're the ones who need a vacation.
Alone? Yeah.
Not a big trip, just a weekend.
We can get a chance to be together and work through all of this.
You're right.
We should do it this weekend.
You mean it? Yeah.
I just have to check with the office.
Okay.
But we are going to do it, right? You're not going to get all busy at the last minute? I said we'll do it, and we'll do it, okay? Okay! Okay.
Hello, Susan.
Hey, Dana.
I got you your streamers.
I splurged and bought the good ones.
Flame retardant.
Good.
Oh, my God.
Are those cookies for the Open House? Oh, well, actually You are a lifesaver.
I just had two moms flake out on me.
Really? Uh Well I thought that might happen, so I baked some just in case.
It's one of the things that makes a great teacher, being ready for anything.
Thank you.
You know, Susan, I haven't been your biggest supporter, but maybe I misjudged you.
Thanks for these.
And let's find some time to sit down with Principal Hobson and talk about you coming back.
Yes.
Hello, Susan.
Come on in.
Meals on wheels! Well, shoes, but Food on Shoes doesn't sound as good.
Today's special is lasagna.
Would you like me to put it on a plate for you? Or do you want to eat it later? I think I'll have it now.
In fact, I'd love for you to join me.
Oh, I can't.
Actually, I'm on my way to a function at MJ's school.
I'm sure you have a few minutes.
Sit down.
Uh, I'm kind of in a rush.
But it's not fair.
You go to all this trouble to bring me these delicious meals and we never share them.
It pains me.
Uh, Paul, what's going on? Fine.
You're in a hurry.
Why don't you stab me with this? It'll be faster.
Or are you getting your kicks watching me die slowly? Okay, I have no idea what you're talking about.
The food you're bringing me, Susan.
It's poisoned.
What? That's not possible.
I had it tested.
Come on, have a bite.
Paul How could you do this to me? Is it because you want the house? Is it because you hate me? You have to believe me.
I never put poison in your food.
Well, somebody did.
Was it Mike? No.
It was just me.
I'm the only one who What? Oh, my God.
The cookies! I've got to go! I've got to get to the school! Oh, Cindy, Cindy.
The desserts, the desserts.
My cookies.
Have they put them out yet? Oh, yeah, they're just Oh! I'm so sorry.
Try the oatmeal raisin.
Kathy, do you know how many points these are? You'll thank me tomorrow.
Susan, what did you do to the Parents' Council? They love you.
Oh, great.
Thanks for the cookie.
Oh, uh Which one of these is mine? I have no idea.
We just put them all together.
Oh! Whoops! Sorry! Oh, silly me.
Clumsy.
If I can have everyone's attention for a moment, please.
Hi, I want to welcome all our wonderful parents.
And I want to thank the decorating committee and those who made the refreshments.
Oh, including Susan Delfino.
Thank you, Susan, for those chocolate chip cookies.
You're welcome.
And about those cookies I made, don't eat them.
They're poison.
No, no.
This isn't a joke.
My cookies will kill you.
Oh, God.
That's her, officers.
Yes, no matter who we are, we all experience moments of dread.
When we ask ourselves, will anyone believe I'm innocent? Will my daughter be a child of divorce? Will this man break my heart? Are there things that go bump in the night? And sometimes, the answer is yes.