Home Improvement s07e21 Episode Script

Welcome to Tool Time on location.
And now the star of our show, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Whoaaaaa! Thank you, Heidi.
Welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim "Yee-Haw Man" Taylor.
Of course, you all know my assistant, Mr.
Al.
Tim, come on.
Where'd you put my shirt? Oh, now, that's not funny.
Sad, actually.
The shirt's big on the horse.
- Here you go, Al.
- Oh, you guys Come on.
We're here at Willow Run at a blacksmith's shop.
A special show Tool Time's Timeless Tools.
And we enlisted the help of Delvin Horsted, our blacksmith.
Delvin? - Welcome to the show, Delvin.
- Some welcome.
You kept me waiting outside my own shop by the manure pile.
Well, that stinks.
And we're very sorry about that.
But what a nice place you have here, Delvin.
Thank you.
It was built in 1910 by my father Melvin.
Ah.
What was your grandpa's name, Shmelvin? Yes.
OK, Delvin, why don't you show us some of the tools of the blacksmith trade? Well, the most important tool to any blacksmith is his anvil.
The anvil is where the blacksmith hammers.
In the old days these were made out of cast iron.
But today they're made out of forged steel.
Boy, that's an obnoxious noise.
- I thought this was a tool show.
- It is.
So why don't we take a look at these tools right now? - Ooh, I know all about these.
- What do you know about tongs? Shh, quiet.
It's the Chinese Mafia.
These are 36-inch tongs.
Oh.
The kind that Al's mom wears at the beach.
I use them I use them to take heavy pieces of metal out of the fire.
The length keeps my hands away from the heat.
Very important to a blacksmith.
You keep your hands soft and silky-smooth.
I'm not the one wearing make-up.
Behave yourself.
Now we know something about these tools, why don't we put 'em to work? This is Whiskey Pete.
Whiskey, how about some new shoes? Let's put her in an espadrille or a slingback.
- This is a horse! - Of course! Of course! Delvin, what would be the first thing you do when putting on new shoes? Well, first you take off the old shoe.
You get a firm grip on the animal's hoof and pull out the nails with these pliers.
Let me give that a shot.
Hold onto that hoof.
I don't want that horse kicking me and turning me into a gelding.
My thumb! That's it! That's it! Let me show you tool boys something else you can do with tongs.
We'll be right back after these words from Binford.
If you want, I can hold that across the room for you.
This is a very comfortable position for reading.
Face it, Mom.
You need glasses.
Don't be ridiculous.
I've always had excellent eyesight.
Yeah, but now you're old.
Excuse me.
I come from good eye stock.
Nobody in my family has ever needed glasses.
Mom, have you driven with Grandma lately? Guys, think about it.
Do I look like an old person? Do I act like an old person? Do I move like an old person? So many questions, so little time.
- What he said.
- Yeah.
Oh, come on.
I am not old.
I am youthful.
I am full of youth.
I'm vibrant.
I'm in my prime.
Do you want me to hold that from over here? My big brother's in town.
You know what that means.
- Dusting off the old bald jokes? - Yeah.
Hey, Jeff.
I love what you've done with your hair.
- And? - That's as far as I've gotten.
My mom invited Marty and me over for dinner.
Wanna join us? I gotta do some homework.
Besides, you guys can catch up.
- I can get that $1200 back he owes me.
- Yeah, forget about it.
They say if you loan money to family, you gotta think of it as a gift.
However, this was not a gift.
It was a business loan.
And his business is up and running.
A perfect time to get that money back.
Jeff's a great guy, but he's not great with money.
- You're never gonna see a dime of that.
- Really? I say tonight I come back with that money, or or I'll give up a day with the hot rod to spend with you.
And how romantic that'll be under those circumstances.
- Don't worry.
It's never gonna happen.
- Gonna happen.
- Who is it? - It's Avon calling, ma'am.
I've got a peach blush that's to die for.
- Come on in.
- Hey, Jeff.
Tim's here.
And if I were you, I'd put on a hat.
- Jeffrey.
- Tim.
- Good seeing you.
- Good seeing you.
Hmm.
I love what you've done with your hair.
- Uh-huh.
- Where do you keep it? On your back.
- OK.
Come on, boys.
Don't start.
- Marty, get me a beer, will you? - Yeah.
- Whatever you're cooking smells great.
Jeff cooked the dinner.
Used his own recipe and his own pots and pans.
You're traveling with cookware now? I check the pots curbside.
The spatulas and the skillets are carry-ons.
Now you boys are both here, we've got something to tell you.
There is a reason that Jeff is traveling with pots and pans.
Jeff's become a Gypsy.
That's perfect.
You can wear a babushka now to cover everything up.
Jeff's new business didn't work out quite as well as he'd hoped, so he's gonna be living here for a while.
- You're kidding? - I thought it was on track.
Well, I thought so, too, but it's this darn economy.
The economy hasn't been this good since they sunk the Lusitania.
I think the world just wasrt ready for a drive-through pet shop.
It was Wal-Mutt, right? Auto-Pet.
Jeff was a little ahead of his time, that's all.
But he's got great ideas for what he's gonna do next.
I haven't forgotten that money I owe you.
Money? What money? You'll get it back sooner than you think because I'll be saving a lot of money living here with Mommy Mom, Mom! Wait a minute.
You're a grown man who's gonna let his mother cook for him and clean for him, and take care of him when he's sick? You're a lucky S.
O.
B.
Mom.
OK, OK.
All right.
I am a very old woman who needs glasses.
There.
I said it.
Are you happy? Actually, I was just gonna ask you to pass the butter.
If you're so freaked out about getting glasses, why don't you get contacts? I only need them for reading.
I'll be putting them in and taking them out all day long.
You could get those glasses on a chain like our librarian, Mrs.
Potemkin.
- Morning, everybody.
- Where were you last night? - I didn't even hear you come in.
- You know those Taylor get-togethers.
We start reminiscing, next thing we're all oiled up, wrestling for quarters.
I tell you, that mother-in-law of yours can do a fierce body slam.
Ba-da-bing! Did you ask Jeff for the money? No.
You know that drive-through pet store he had? Yeah.
What was that called? Cat-In-The-Box.
He lost his business.
He doesn't have any money.
He's moving in with Mom.
A 45-year-old man living with his mother.
That's sad.
Well, you might wanna see where you are in 30 years and then make that call.
- Poor Jeff.
- I hate to see him struggle.
See you, guys.
See you, Dad.
Morning.
Hello, Jeff.
Yeah.
OK.
Sure, after work.
Thanks.
Bye.
You might find some bottles with bigger print on them.
- I don't believe that.
- What? Jeff wants to come over and borrow my finger.
I won't ask.
That big foam finger I use at the hockey games? He's got a date.
He got front-row seats to see the Red Wings tonight.
- Front-row seats? Isn't that expensive? - Yeah.
He paid a fortune for 'em.
A fortune he could be using to pay me back or give Mom some rent money.
- Are you gonna talk to him about it? - You bet I will.
I'll talk to him tonight when I give him the finger.
Oh, good.
Randy, I want you to see this.
What do you think? Pair number one.
- Très Mr.
Magoo.
- Oh.
OK, OK, Tim, Tim.
what do you think of these? They make your butt look big.
They do? - I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
- Oh, my God! They do! They make my butt look big.
Trust me, honey.
Your butt looked just as big before you put 'em on.
There's probably a better way to say that.
Yeah, but don't bother trying to find it.
I'm just gonna go up and look in a full-length mirror.
If you had different glasses, you wouldn't have to cover that thing.
- Hello to you, too, Jeff.
- Hey, Tim.
- Where's your date? - Right here.
Whoo-hee! And what a looker! My date stood me up, so I figured I'd treat my little brother.
Yeah.
He said if I'm good, he'd buy me a Sno-Cone.
I'd like to talk to Jeff in private.
Go stick my finger in your back seat.
You make it sound so dirty.
- So, what's up? - It's none of my business, but how are you affording expensive hockey tickets? - Well, I'm celebrating my new business.
- You opened up a new business? I had this brainstorm for a mailbox-and-shipping store.
- There's a problem, isn't there? - What? - You're broke.
- Not anymore.
Got a very generous loan.
It'd be tough to get a bank loan when your last business went belly-up.
I got a private backer, and there's the money that I owe you.
- Sorry it took so long to get it back.
- A private backer? Someone gave you cash for all? - Yeah.
- Who's the private backer? Oh, I thought I mentioned it.
Mom.
Bye.
Jeff! Well, I figured out how come Jeff could afford expensive hockey tickets, pay off his loan in cash and open a new business.
Well, what did he do? Rob a bank? Yeah, the Bank of Mom.
He got her to crack open her nest egg so he could open a mailbox-and-shipping business.
Oh, my God.
With Jeff's luck, he'll turn it into another one of those K-Mutts.
I'm gonna go over after the hockey game and tell Mr.
Chrome Dome about fiscal responsibility.
I gotta tell him You can talk to him till you're blue in the face.
What am I supposed to do about it? Maybe I should go over there and beat him up with my big butt.
Full house.
Queens high.
Oh, no.
Who is it? The FBI, ma'am.
I'm here for your strip search.
It's all right.
It's only Tim.
I love your son in that show.
They should just get rid of the obnoxious one that's always breaking things.
I think you're a little mixed-up.
- Hi, Mom.
Oh, hi.
- Hi.
This broke outside.
It wasrt me, I swear.
- Give me a screwdriver.
- Never mind.
Never mind.
Say hello to Gwen, Bertha, Alice and Lois.
Oh, hello, Tim.
So you finally got a toupee.
No.
That's my older brother Jeff.
This isn't a toupee.
Whatever you say.
- So, speaking of Jeff, is he here? - He'll be back any second.
Say, while you're waiting, would you like to play a little poker? I couldn't take your money, ladies.
Suddenly I am tired.
It's funny how fatigue sets in after winning all my money.
Hey, Tim, ladies.
Lucille, walk me home, will you? All this money that I won from Tim is putting a lot of weight on my bad hip.
Double or nothing? Let's get oiled up and I'll wrestle you for it.
I'd crush you like a grape.
- You missed one heck of a game, bud.
- Did I? I'd like to hang onto your finger.
I've got tickets for next week's game.
We heard about your new business.
Sounds wonderful.
Maybe you should just give up your little TV skits and follow in your brother's footsteps.
Well, I would, but I'd like to leave my mom some money to retire on.
What's that mean? Why are you borrowing money from Mom to start another fly-by-night business and take money to pay me off? First of all, this is between Mom and me, OK? Second of all, she gave me the money because she thinks my fly-by-night business is a good idea.
- Like Poodle Town? - Auto-Pet.
I don't have to be talked to this way.
I'm your older brother, not a child.
I'm going to my room.
- Hey, Wilson.
- Hi-ho, Tim.
I saw your light was on.
What are you doing to the Studebaker? Nothing very interesting.
Just draining my radiator.
Well, I'd rather watch that than watch my brother drain my mother.
Who wouldn't? Jeff got my mom to give him a big loan to start a new business.
A new business? Whatever happened to Long John Schnauzer's? Well, that folded.
Now he's onto his next failure.
Oh, yes, I see.
So you're worried about your mom losing her money.
Yeah.
I talked to Jeff about it and he just said it's none of my business.
Well, it's true, but considering Jeff's track record, the concerns you have are totally understandable.
Yeah.
So I'm caught between a rock and a bald guy.
Tim, I can't find the drain plug to this thing.
Can you give me a hand? It's an old Studebaker.
It's on the left side.
Got a lantern? Right here.
Looks like it came off a ship.
Where'd you get it? Off the Titanic? Yes.
Have you considered talking to your mom? - I can't talk to my mom about this.
- Why not? Tell her that I think that her oldest son, my brother, is a loser? If that is the case, it'll hurt her feelings, but isn't that better than seeing her savings wiped out? So I should just put everything out on the table? I'm reminded of the famous words, "When in doubt, tell the truth.
" Samuel Langhorne Clemens.
That big can'toon rooster? Well, I say, boy Well, I say, boy No, no, no, no, no, no.
See, Samuel Clemens is the real name of Mark Twain, one of America's greatest thinkers.
Well, that big chickers pretty smart.
Gave that dog a run for his money.
I say, boy, I say, boy, that dog is dumber than a sack of wet beans.
- Is Jeff home? - No.
He's out looking for packing materials for his new store.
That's what I wanna talk about.
I don't think you should loan him the money.
You don't? - I think he's taking advantage of you.
- Oh.
I can look after myself, Tim.
Save some money for a rainy day.
You never know when you're gonna blow out a hip.
Look, I've invested pretty well over the years.
And I can afford to take a risk if I really believe in it, like Jeff's mailbox business.
He can have his grand opening sale and going-out-of-business sale in one day.
Tim, Jeff has really done his homework this time.
These places do very well.
And he's found a very good location.
So when he hits you up for money, you just fork it over to him? He didn't hit me up for the money.
I had to talk him into taking it.
Wait a minute.
You talked him into this? You believe in this that much? - Well, why didn't he tell me this? - Well, I'm sure he was embarrassed.
Your approval means a lot to him, Tim.
Since when did he care what I think? You guys give each other a hard time, but deep down, Jeff truly admires you.
I don't think so.
Honey, you've got everything in the world that he'd like to have.
You've got a successful career, you've got a great family Hair.
Yeah.
That, too.
I'd love to see Jeff get some of that good stuff.
That's why I gave him the money.
I'd do the same for you, honey.
Boy, Mom, you cannot believe all the shipping material out there these days.
Packing peanuts, foam popcorn Makes me thirsty for a Scotch tape and soda.
Oh, you.
Are you here to convince Mom that I'm a bad risk? - No, Jeff.
I just came over to talk.
- This is good.
OK, I just think I'll go out and pop some bubbles.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! This is so much fun! She's slipping already.
Look, um, I was out of line for coming down on you, you know.
This is none of my business and she has every right to loan you money.
How much did she pay you to say that? There's nothing left.
You cleaned her out.
- Oh, yeah.
Here we go again.
- Oh, Jeff, come on.
Mom says you've done your homework on this one and it's a real solid idea.
You think so? God, I hope so.
I just can't take another failure like Jiffy Pup.
It was Auto-Pet.
And you were just ahead of your time.
- Thanks.
- If Mom believes in you, so do I.
I appreciate that.
I'm just telling the truth, like a famous American said we should.
- What famous American? - Come on.
Samuel Foghorn Leghorn.
He was one smart chicken.
No, I'm talking about Mark Twain.
The guy that wrote Huckleberry Hound.
When you were a kid, did Mom drop you on your head? Yeah.
The same day she dunked your head in that vat of Nair.
- Hey, you got new reading glasses.
- Yeah, yeah.
After checking out 300 frames, I finally found the perfect pair.
And they're very cool.
Extremely slimming.
For what they cost me, I could've hired somebody to read for me.
- Hi, honey.
- Hi, Lucille.
- Sorry I'm late.
- I'm having trouble with this recipe.
What does this mean when they say coddle an egg? Oh, hello, egg.
Look at your cute little yolk.
Let me look at this here.
Oh, my God.
You have the same Gianni Firenzi glasses.
I didn't know what they were called.
They were giving them away at the car wash.