Roseanne s07e21 Episode Script
Husbands and Wives
[harmonica.]
Hey, I'm home.
Hey, Darlene.
** [cartoon.]
Hello? Isn't anybody home? I'm right here! Mom? Dad? D.
J.
! What? Oh.
Well, I guess that means I get the TV all to myself.
[click.]
Oh, golf.
I was watchin' that! [faint applause.]
Hm, that's odd.
I'm all alone, yet I distinctly smell foul breath.
That's 'cause I'm right here! Oh.
Sorry, D.
J.
I didn't see ya.
But then I do have troll blindness.
For God's sakes, breathe through your nose.
Mom and Dad are planning something for you, and I know what it is.
Oo, must be really important, if they told the dog.
I heard Mom and Dad talking.
'Cause of the new baby, they're gonna cut your allowance, from $100 a month to 50.
No way! That baby's not gonna cost $50 a month! I mean, it's gonna get all its food free, from Elsie in there.
Yeah, you're nailed.
And you can't do anything about it.
Ha! Oh, D.
J.
D.
J.
Young, foolish D.
J.
You see, Roseanne and Dan are like a VCR.
They just flash zero until you program them.
Hey.
Hi, Darlene.
Welcome home.
Is, uh, Dad here? Dad! [Dan.]
What? Yeah, he's here.
Good.
I wanna talk to you guys.
Hey, Darlene.
What? Well, actually, we wanna talk to you, too.
Right, Dan? [sighs.]
Well, me first.
Well We shoulda knew somethin' bad like this'd happen, what with her movin' up to the big city.
Just tell us the boy's name, and I'll get the shotgun, and your maw will rustle up a preacher.
[Darlene.]
All right.
Well, I've been thinking.
I know you guys have this new baby on the way, and that's gotta be really expensive.
So I was thinking you could send me less money every month.
[cough.]
Honey, you've got to pardon us for being a little shocked.
This is your first act of kindness.
Oh, now, Dan.
Come on.
She's always been very generous.
Remember when she called up Jerry Lewis, and pledged $100,000? So what do you say we cut my allowance fro $100 a month to-- Oh.
Say-- No, no.
I don't wanna argue about this.
This is what I wanna do.
That'd be good, but-- you know what would be even better--? Now, Dan.
This is so sweet of her.
Well, I just figured the baby needs it more than I do.
Now what'd you guys wanna ask me? Well, um-- You know that, uh-- Berlin Wall, comin' down? What was that all about? See ya.
Like taking candy from two very big babies who really like candy.
'Cept for one thing.
What? I lied.
They were never gonna cut your money at all.
Listen.
You know what I just said in there? You know, I came in here and I said that? [laughs.]
I know.
We can't tell ya how much we appreciate it.
But you know, Darlene, I'm feeling so, uh-- I don't know what it is.
I'm just, uh-- Oh my God.
I'm proud of you! I'll be in the basement.
Plotting D.
J.
's death.
She fell right into our trap.
Yeah, she must be slippin'.
Yay, it worked.
I did everything you said.
Now where's my 10 bucks? He fell right into our trap.
Yeah, he must be slippin'.
What a gyp! [chuckling.]
And you wanted smart kids.
** [theme song.]
Ha ha ha ha! [knocking on door.]
Come in? Well, someday, maybe they'll invent a receptacle where you can put garbage in.
How are ya doin'? Oh, I'm right where I belong.
Livin' on Failure St.
Two blocks south of Pathetic.
My zip code? All zeroes.
Now don't start that again.
Fred's gonna come back to ya.
I had Dan go over there and talk to him.
And if that doesn't work, then I'll send him back to beat him up.
It's not gonna work! Fred left me because I lied to him.
I went out dancing with another man.
Well, dancing is not a sin.
Didn't you see Footloose? Well, if he just hadn't of gone, then none of this would have happened.
Hey, come on.
When something goes wrong in a marriage, it's never just one partner's fault.
You can't just blame yourself.
Well, I-- I can't blame Fred.
Well, fine! Then blame someone else.
That's what I do! Just make a list of all your problems.
And then another list of everybody you know.
And then draw lines.
There's nobody that I can blame! Well, what about the idiot that narked to Fred? We were at the Lobo.
Half of Lanford was there.
That coulda been anybody.
Well, that's all the better.
More to choose from.
You know, Mom-- did see me and Pete at the Lunch Box.
Oh, that's perfect.
Everyone knows she's pure evil.
And she gave me one of those looks.
You know? Like "I'm gonna tell on you!" Well, you didn't tell me that you had hard evidence.
God, I hate that Mom! It-- [stammers.]
you know? I do feel better.
See, I told ya.
So how you need to quit mopin' around and get out there and have some fun.
Although I wouldn't recommend dancin'.
[laughs.]
Well, I-- I could take Andy to the Bulk Store.
Thatta girl! Nothing more fun than the Bulk Store! But-- now, see? I don't have any clean clothes! Could that somehow be Mom's fault? Damn her! [knocking on door.]
Hold on.
[knocking.]
Yeah? Gosh.
I told the agency I wanted a redhead.
Dan.
What are we doin'? You're checkin' outta here.
Roseanne was right.
This crap has gone on long enough.
You're goin' back to your wife and your kid.
Come on, buddy.
Let's go.
Can't.
Why not? You packed my pants.
Here.
Dan, I'm not goin' back.
I'm still too angry.
I know you are, Fred.
But it's just gonna get better.
Trust me.
You just bury that anger deep down inside, until it becomes a hard ball in the pit of your stomach.
And then you put food on it.
No! I'm staying where I am.
Damn it, Fred! What are you doin' here? I told you to romance her.
With the money you spent on this motel, you coulda bought her a-- card, or somethin'.
Dan, I see what this is about, okay? You don't have to worry.
Roseanne's not gonna know it was you who tipped me off.
I told Jackie it wasn't you.
Well, you don't have to lie for me.
I'm not afraid of my wife.
Oh? Have you remarried? I'm not afraid because I did nothin' wrong.
I'm not the guy who walked out on his family to punish his wife.
Hey! I'm not punishing her! Jackie is a mess.
And she's sittin' home with a kid who doesn't know what happened to his father.
What do you call that? What do you want from me, Dan? Jackie's the only woman I ever loved! She's the only person I ever trusted, and she betrayed me.
But nothin' happened-- Something did happen! She went out with another man.
I'm losin' her.
I lose her-- I lose everything.
I don't know what to do.
What can I do? Jeez, Fred, I'm sorry.
I just-- I need some time to get my head together.
All right, buddy.
I'll stay with ya for a while.
Fred? Does this TV get anything besides adult movies? I don't know.
Uh, hey, Roseanne.
Did I leave Andy's little hat over here? Oh, yeah, well, I'll have to buy you a new one, uh, see, 'cause I ran out of coffee filters.
Hey, hey, have you had a bath? Yeah, I've been getting out, trying to have fun, like you said.
But you still hate Mom.
Oh, yeah.
It's very invigorating, you know? It's funny.
You hate somebody your whole life, and then you realize there's so much more.
Who do we hate? Who do we hate? Mom.
Oh, good.
I hate Bev.
Can I play? Yeah, we figured out Mom told Fred about me and Pete.
So what do you think we should do to her, Dan? Oh, I don't know.
Who's to say what I think? Well, I got-- Gymboree starts in an hour.
I got to get him there, build up his little muscles, 'cause next time he pulls on Grandma's earrings, we're gonna do some damage, yes, we are.
Yes, we are! Oh, she's such a good mother.
Listen, Roseanne, I didn't want to say this in front of Jackie, but I'm the one that told Fred, not your mom.
Although your mom probably would have if I hadn't.
Man, does she bug me! Well, I should have seen your great-big barbecue-stained fingerprints all over this one.
I was right to do it.
I was right to tell him.
I don't want to hear it.
You just go out in the backyard and dig a great-big hole and wait for me.
Oh, that's right.
Blame me.
Blame the messenger.
Oh, no, no, blame Fred, you know, the guy whose wife lied to him? But whatever you do, don't blame the adulteress.
Hey, she's not an adulteress, Dan.
What happened to you? You were on her side before you went over there.
Then I saw how much Fred was hurting.
No, that's not what happened.
You were in a very small space with another man, and you breathed all those man fumes, and then the very tiny part of your brain that can think for itself dissolved.
Roseanne.
Hi, Becky.
Did you get me that, uh, catalog I asked you for? Yeah, and that saw that Dan would like is right here on this page.
Yep.
Whoo.
That's gonna make a great gift.
Yep.
Now all I need is the picture frame.
Oh.
Uh, well, why don't you sit down? I'll make you a sandwich, and then we can talk.
Okay, as long as you keep your promise and we don't talk about Jackie.
Well, uh, didn't she just die? Oh, that Jackie.
Hey, Fred.
Heya, Mark.
You here to meet Becky? Nah, she's eating with that guy.
Hey, Becky.
Hey, Joe.
Hey.
Who's Joe? Just some guy friend of Becky's.
They go out all the time: lunch, dinner, dancing.
No biggie.
I see.
And that doesn't bug you.
Of course not, man.
I'm secure as a man.
And my male chauvinistic ego doesn't, uh, need, uh, something or other.
You know, that's funny.
I was recently in a very similar situation.
You were? I had no idea.
Yeah.
The only thing was that Jackie lied to me about her guy friend.
Does Becky ever lie to you about this guy? [no audible dialogue.]
Yeah, of course, all the time.
Yeah, it'sgood.
Yeah? How does that make you feel? Uh f-fine.
Uh, Mrs.
Conner! Really? Fine? That is so open-minded of you.
I guess it won't bother you to hear that they were holding hands, too.
What? Right up until you came in.
I was a little concerned about it, but I guess I'm not as secure a man as you are.
Hey, get away from my wife, pal.
What are you doing? Were you holding hands with this guy? No.
Well, Fred saw you.
Hey, I told you, if it isn't written on your hand, don't say it.
Yeah, but nobody said nothing about them touching each other.
Why don't you go stick your head in the freezer? It's going bad.
You think you and Jackie are gonna get back together? Roseanne, I can't believe that you think that I was dumb enough to fall for that.
I didn't.
I am trying to break up Becky and Mark.
Hello, hello, diner people.
Hi, Bev.
I can't talk to Bev right now with this Jackie thing going on.
I'll get rid of her.
[whispering.]
Hi, Mom.
Thank God you're here.
Are you sure that Fred wants to talk to me? Yes, absolutely.
I tried to comfort him, but he needs the kind of comforting that only you can give.
Hello, Fred.
[mouthing.]
I was so sorry to hear about you and Jackie.
Where are you staying? The Green Lantern.
Oh, my.
That place is filthy.
But then, considering the kind of housekeeper Jackie is, I suppose you feel right at home.
I don't know.
I guess.
Hey, hey, now's not the time to bring up all of Jackie's faults, okay? Next thing I know, you'll start comparing her to, I don't know, Dad.
Ha ha! And why not? Jackie's father was a cheater, too, and she always took after him.
You know, Bev, cheater is probably too strong a word.
Oh-ho-ho, really? Yeah.
I mean, Jackie didn't actually do anything with this guy.
That's right, Mom.
So there's absolutely no reason at all to bring up all the other men she slept with.
Oh, why waste the time? The list of men she hasn't slept with is shorter.
Bev, would you mind not criticizing Jackie? After all, she is still my wife.
That's right, Mom.
And she has obviously cut way back on the men ever since she got married.
In my day, that woman would become known as a runabout.
She's not a runabout.
Exactly, Mom.
And I don't care if she was wearing Charlie-- you know, kinda free, kinda wild.
Ohgoodness knows what sort of life Jackie's leading.
If you ask me, you're too good for her.
Will you get off Jackie's case? She just made a mistake.
Well, you two can sit here and argue about my sister, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna listen to one more minute of it.
And whatever you do, do not tell Fred your theory on how Jackie made ends meet that time she was unemployed.
Oh! [knock on door.]
Yeah? Hi.
Where are you going? We're going to The Toy Warehouse, and the first toy he finds that he can't break, I'm buying it! No, you got to stay here, 'cause I just left Fred with Mom, and I think he's caving.
Really? Yeah.
And so, you know, you got to be here in case he comes by or calls or something, unless Mom turns him off women altogether.
I'm--I'm all ready to go.
Well, come on, Jackie.
I went to a lot of trouble catching him.
Now you just got to clean and cook him.
I know, but it's just that ever since he left, I've just been enjoying myself.
What? Well, I'm--I'm sleeping in the middle of the bed, I'm not shaving my legs, and I get to put pretty clothes on Andy again, and if he turns out gay, we don't care, because I'll march in one of those parades with him.
So what about Fred? I mean, he's your husband.
Don't you miss him at all? Not even the you know, cute way he does whatever it is that you thought he did cute? It's scary, Roseanne.
I just think that I'm happier without him.
Well, don't you love him anymore? Huh? Don't you? I don't know.
Well, great.
Well, you better think about this, because he's Andy's dad.
I know.
I know Andy needs him.
[knock on door.]
Hey.
Hi, Fred.
Hiya, sport.
How ya doing, buddy? Who is that? Ha ha ha! Hey, Roseanne, can you take Andy in the back for a second? Yeah, sure.
Can we talk? Yeah.
I made a mistake.
I shouldn't have left.
You didn't even let me explain.
I know.
You know.
I just I needed some time to think.
Well, I did, too.
Look, Jackie, I know you got some problems with the marriage, and I do, too, but the important thing is, we still love each other, right? Right.
Hey.
So where were you two off to? Toy Warehouse.
Sounds like fun.
I'll join you.
Oh, I don't--Ahh Let's just-- Let's just stay in.
Uh, well, I-- I better go, 'cause Darlene hung D.
J.
up by his feet, and I want to get some film.
Okay.
Well, thanks for helping out, Roseanne.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Yeah, well, you know, sometimes you, uh, you go sticking your nose in places where it doesn't belong sothings will turn out like this.
Dad, we need to talk.
That's what I used to think, but it turns out, son, we don't.
I mean it.
I set up Darlene so you and Mom get to pay her less allowance, but unless you give me I'm gonna tell her.
My, my, what a sly puss.
Look, she'll start a big fight and ruin her whole time home, and you don't want to start a big fight, do you? Oh, gee, Dan, they're so adorable before the horns and the pointed tail grow in.
Hey, Darlene, come on up here! Why do you want to call her up here? It's the only fun we get since they outlawed cockfighting.
What? Well, uh say, you know that 25 bucks that D.
J.
scammed you out of? Yeah.
Well, that was me and your dad.
That was our scam.
We thought of that ourselves.
And D.
J.
, well, he was nothing but our willing stooge.
So that wasn't your idea at all.
Nope.
It was all Mom and Dad.
You were just playing along.
Yeah, that's right.
You teamed up with them, you little snot factory.
You know, D.
J.
, for years, we tried to get Darlene to help us scam you, but she'd never do it.
Well, she's got principles.
Bad move, D.
J.
, because they're gonna die way before I do.
Looks like the two of you got a lot of things to talk over.
Winner gets this 20.
Someone get a shoebox.
There's gonna be a funeral.
Mom? Have fun, kids.
Dad, I'm scared! Perfectly natural.
Well, so what? We're reaming the kids together again.
Does that mean we're okay? [sigh.]
You know, Dan, if you weren't around here, I'd really miss you.
Well, of course.
You'd keep sliding down in the middle where the mattress tips.
No, I mean it.
Um, I'm really glad that I married you.
I know I got me one of the good ones.
Am I dying? Never mind.
Oh, come here.
What was that for? I don't--You started it.
Were you holding hands with this guy? No.
Well, Fred saw you.
Hey, I told you, if it isn't written on your hand, don't say it.
Yeah, but nobody told nothing, uh, about something with them over there.
[laughter.]
I told you, if it is not written on your hand, don't say it.
I never knew something was supposed to be about the touches something or other anyway! God, I'm so embarrassing!
Hey, I'm home.
Hey, Darlene.
** [cartoon.]
Hello? Isn't anybody home? I'm right here! Mom? Dad? D.
J.
! What? Oh.
Well, I guess that means I get the TV all to myself.
[click.]
Oh, golf.
I was watchin' that! [faint applause.]
Hm, that's odd.
I'm all alone, yet I distinctly smell foul breath.
That's 'cause I'm right here! Oh.
Sorry, D.
J.
I didn't see ya.
But then I do have troll blindness.
For God's sakes, breathe through your nose.
Mom and Dad are planning something for you, and I know what it is.
Oo, must be really important, if they told the dog.
I heard Mom and Dad talking.
'Cause of the new baby, they're gonna cut your allowance, from $100 a month to 50.
No way! That baby's not gonna cost $50 a month! I mean, it's gonna get all its food free, from Elsie in there.
Yeah, you're nailed.
And you can't do anything about it.
Ha! Oh, D.
J.
D.
J.
Young, foolish D.
J.
You see, Roseanne and Dan are like a VCR.
They just flash zero until you program them.
Hey.
Hi, Darlene.
Welcome home.
Is, uh, Dad here? Dad! [Dan.]
What? Yeah, he's here.
Good.
I wanna talk to you guys.
Hey, Darlene.
What? Well, actually, we wanna talk to you, too.
Right, Dan? [sighs.]
Well, me first.
Well We shoulda knew somethin' bad like this'd happen, what with her movin' up to the big city.
Just tell us the boy's name, and I'll get the shotgun, and your maw will rustle up a preacher.
[Darlene.]
All right.
Well, I've been thinking.
I know you guys have this new baby on the way, and that's gotta be really expensive.
So I was thinking you could send me less money every month.
[cough.]
Honey, you've got to pardon us for being a little shocked.
This is your first act of kindness.
Oh, now, Dan.
Come on.
She's always been very generous.
Remember when she called up Jerry Lewis, and pledged $100,000? So what do you say we cut my allowance fro $100 a month to-- Oh.
Say-- No, no.
I don't wanna argue about this.
This is what I wanna do.
That'd be good, but-- you know what would be even better--? Now, Dan.
This is so sweet of her.
Well, I just figured the baby needs it more than I do.
Now what'd you guys wanna ask me? Well, um-- You know that, uh-- Berlin Wall, comin' down? What was that all about? See ya.
Like taking candy from two very big babies who really like candy.
'Cept for one thing.
What? I lied.
They were never gonna cut your money at all.
Listen.
You know what I just said in there? You know, I came in here and I said that? [laughs.]
I know.
We can't tell ya how much we appreciate it.
But you know, Darlene, I'm feeling so, uh-- I don't know what it is.
I'm just, uh-- Oh my God.
I'm proud of you! I'll be in the basement.
Plotting D.
J.
's death.
She fell right into our trap.
Yeah, she must be slippin'.
Yay, it worked.
I did everything you said.
Now where's my 10 bucks? He fell right into our trap.
Yeah, he must be slippin'.
What a gyp! [chuckling.]
And you wanted smart kids.
** [theme song.]
Ha ha ha ha! [knocking on door.]
Come in? Well, someday, maybe they'll invent a receptacle where you can put garbage in.
How are ya doin'? Oh, I'm right where I belong.
Livin' on Failure St.
Two blocks south of Pathetic.
My zip code? All zeroes.
Now don't start that again.
Fred's gonna come back to ya.
I had Dan go over there and talk to him.
And if that doesn't work, then I'll send him back to beat him up.
It's not gonna work! Fred left me because I lied to him.
I went out dancing with another man.
Well, dancing is not a sin.
Didn't you see Footloose? Well, if he just hadn't of gone, then none of this would have happened.
Hey, come on.
When something goes wrong in a marriage, it's never just one partner's fault.
You can't just blame yourself.
Well, I-- I can't blame Fred.
Well, fine! Then blame someone else.
That's what I do! Just make a list of all your problems.
And then another list of everybody you know.
And then draw lines.
There's nobody that I can blame! Well, what about the idiot that narked to Fred? We were at the Lobo.
Half of Lanford was there.
That coulda been anybody.
Well, that's all the better.
More to choose from.
You know, Mom-- did see me and Pete at the Lunch Box.
Oh, that's perfect.
Everyone knows she's pure evil.
And she gave me one of those looks.
You know? Like "I'm gonna tell on you!" Well, you didn't tell me that you had hard evidence.
God, I hate that Mom! It-- [stammers.]
you know? I do feel better.
See, I told ya.
So how you need to quit mopin' around and get out there and have some fun.
Although I wouldn't recommend dancin'.
[laughs.]
Well, I-- I could take Andy to the Bulk Store.
Thatta girl! Nothing more fun than the Bulk Store! But-- now, see? I don't have any clean clothes! Could that somehow be Mom's fault? Damn her! [knocking on door.]
Hold on.
[knocking.]
Yeah? Gosh.
I told the agency I wanted a redhead.
Dan.
What are we doin'? You're checkin' outta here.
Roseanne was right.
This crap has gone on long enough.
You're goin' back to your wife and your kid.
Come on, buddy.
Let's go.
Can't.
Why not? You packed my pants.
Here.
Dan, I'm not goin' back.
I'm still too angry.
I know you are, Fred.
But it's just gonna get better.
Trust me.
You just bury that anger deep down inside, until it becomes a hard ball in the pit of your stomach.
And then you put food on it.
No! I'm staying where I am.
Damn it, Fred! What are you doin' here? I told you to romance her.
With the money you spent on this motel, you coulda bought her a-- card, or somethin'.
Dan, I see what this is about, okay? You don't have to worry.
Roseanne's not gonna know it was you who tipped me off.
I told Jackie it wasn't you.
Well, you don't have to lie for me.
I'm not afraid of my wife.
Oh? Have you remarried? I'm not afraid because I did nothin' wrong.
I'm not the guy who walked out on his family to punish his wife.
Hey! I'm not punishing her! Jackie is a mess.
And she's sittin' home with a kid who doesn't know what happened to his father.
What do you call that? What do you want from me, Dan? Jackie's the only woman I ever loved! She's the only person I ever trusted, and she betrayed me.
But nothin' happened-- Something did happen! She went out with another man.
I'm losin' her.
I lose her-- I lose everything.
I don't know what to do.
What can I do? Jeez, Fred, I'm sorry.
I just-- I need some time to get my head together.
All right, buddy.
I'll stay with ya for a while.
Fred? Does this TV get anything besides adult movies? I don't know.
Uh, hey, Roseanne.
Did I leave Andy's little hat over here? Oh, yeah, well, I'll have to buy you a new one, uh, see, 'cause I ran out of coffee filters.
Hey, hey, have you had a bath? Yeah, I've been getting out, trying to have fun, like you said.
But you still hate Mom.
Oh, yeah.
It's very invigorating, you know? It's funny.
You hate somebody your whole life, and then you realize there's so much more.
Who do we hate? Who do we hate? Mom.
Oh, good.
I hate Bev.
Can I play? Yeah, we figured out Mom told Fred about me and Pete.
So what do you think we should do to her, Dan? Oh, I don't know.
Who's to say what I think? Well, I got-- Gymboree starts in an hour.
I got to get him there, build up his little muscles, 'cause next time he pulls on Grandma's earrings, we're gonna do some damage, yes, we are.
Yes, we are! Oh, she's such a good mother.
Listen, Roseanne, I didn't want to say this in front of Jackie, but I'm the one that told Fred, not your mom.
Although your mom probably would have if I hadn't.
Man, does she bug me! Well, I should have seen your great-big barbecue-stained fingerprints all over this one.
I was right to do it.
I was right to tell him.
I don't want to hear it.
You just go out in the backyard and dig a great-big hole and wait for me.
Oh, that's right.
Blame me.
Blame the messenger.
Oh, no, no, blame Fred, you know, the guy whose wife lied to him? But whatever you do, don't blame the adulteress.
Hey, she's not an adulteress, Dan.
What happened to you? You were on her side before you went over there.
Then I saw how much Fred was hurting.
No, that's not what happened.
You were in a very small space with another man, and you breathed all those man fumes, and then the very tiny part of your brain that can think for itself dissolved.
Roseanne.
Hi, Becky.
Did you get me that, uh, catalog I asked you for? Yeah, and that saw that Dan would like is right here on this page.
Yep.
Whoo.
That's gonna make a great gift.
Yep.
Now all I need is the picture frame.
Oh.
Uh, well, why don't you sit down? I'll make you a sandwich, and then we can talk.
Okay, as long as you keep your promise and we don't talk about Jackie.
Well, uh, didn't she just die? Oh, that Jackie.
Hey, Fred.
Heya, Mark.
You here to meet Becky? Nah, she's eating with that guy.
Hey, Becky.
Hey, Joe.
Hey.
Who's Joe? Just some guy friend of Becky's.
They go out all the time: lunch, dinner, dancing.
No biggie.
I see.
And that doesn't bug you.
Of course not, man.
I'm secure as a man.
And my male chauvinistic ego doesn't, uh, need, uh, something or other.
You know, that's funny.
I was recently in a very similar situation.
You were? I had no idea.
Yeah.
The only thing was that Jackie lied to me about her guy friend.
Does Becky ever lie to you about this guy? [no audible dialogue.]
Yeah, of course, all the time.
Yeah, it'sgood.
Yeah? How does that make you feel? Uh f-fine.
Uh, Mrs.
Conner! Really? Fine? That is so open-minded of you.
I guess it won't bother you to hear that they were holding hands, too.
What? Right up until you came in.
I was a little concerned about it, but I guess I'm not as secure a man as you are.
Hey, get away from my wife, pal.
What are you doing? Were you holding hands with this guy? No.
Well, Fred saw you.
Hey, I told you, if it isn't written on your hand, don't say it.
Yeah, but nobody said nothing about them touching each other.
Why don't you go stick your head in the freezer? It's going bad.
You think you and Jackie are gonna get back together? Roseanne, I can't believe that you think that I was dumb enough to fall for that.
I didn't.
I am trying to break up Becky and Mark.
Hello, hello, diner people.
Hi, Bev.
I can't talk to Bev right now with this Jackie thing going on.
I'll get rid of her.
[whispering.]
Hi, Mom.
Thank God you're here.
Are you sure that Fred wants to talk to me? Yes, absolutely.
I tried to comfort him, but he needs the kind of comforting that only you can give.
Hello, Fred.
[mouthing.]
I was so sorry to hear about you and Jackie.
Where are you staying? The Green Lantern.
Oh, my.
That place is filthy.
But then, considering the kind of housekeeper Jackie is, I suppose you feel right at home.
I don't know.
I guess.
Hey, hey, now's not the time to bring up all of Jackie's faults, okay? Next thing I know, you'll start comparing her to, I don't know, Dad.
Ha ha! And why not? Jackie's father was a cheater, too, and she always took after him.
You know, Bev, cheater is probably too strong a word.
Oh-ho-ho, really? Yeah.
I mean, Jackie didn't actually do anything with this guy.
That's right, Mom.
So there's absolutely no reason at all to bring up all the other men she slept with.
Oh, why waste the time? The list of men she hasn't slept with is shorter.
Bev, would you mind not criticizing Jackie? After all, she is still my wife.
That's right, Mom.
And she has obviously cut way back on the men ever since she got married.
In my day, that woman would become known as a runabout.
She's not a runabout.
Exactly, Mom.
And I don't care if she was wearing Charlie-- you know, kinda free, kinda wild.
Ohgoodness knows what sort of life Jackie's leading.
If you ask me, you're too good for her.
Will you get off Jackie's case? She just made a mistake.
Well, you two can sit here and argue about my sister, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna listen to one more minute of it.
And whatever you do, do not tell Fred your theory on how Jackie made ends meet that time she was unemployed.
Oh! [knock on door.]
Yeah? Hi.
Where are you going? We're going to The Toy Warehouse, and the first toy he finds that he can't break, I'm buying it! No, you got to stay here, 'cause I just left Fred with Mom, and I think he's caving.
Really? Yeah.
And so, you know, you got to be here in case he comes by or calls or something, unless Mom turns him off women altogether.
I'm--I'm all ready to go.
Well, come on, Jackie.
I went to a lot of trouble catching him.
Now you just got to clean and cook him.
I know, but it's just that ever since he left, I've just been enjoying myself.
What? Well, I'm--I'm sleeping in the middle of the bed, I'm not shaving my legs, and I get to put pretty clothes on Andy again, and if he turns out gay, we don't care, because I'll march in one of those parades with him.
So what about Fred? I mean, he's your husband.
Don't you miss him at all? Not even the you know, cute way he does whatever it is that you thought he did cute? It's scary, Roseanne.
I just think that I'm happier without him.
Well, don't you love him anymore? Huh? Don't you? I don't know.
Well, great.
Well, you better think about this, because he's Andy's dad.
I know.
I know Andy needs him.
[knock on door.]
Hey.
Hi, Fred.
Hiya, sport.
How ya doing, buddy? Who is that? Ha ha ha! Hey, Roseanne, can you take Andy in the back for a second? Yeah, sure.
Can we talk? Yeah.
I made a mistake.
I shouldn't have left.
You didn't even let me explain.
I know.
You know.
I just I needed some time to think.
Well, I did, too.
Look, Jackie, I know you got some problems with the marriage, and I do, too, but the important thing is, we still love each other, right? Right.
Hey.
So where were you two off to? Toy Warehouse.
Sounds like fun.
I'll join you.
Oh, I don't--Ahh Let's just-- Let's just stay in.
Uh, well, I-- I better go, 'cause Darlene hung D.
J.
up by his feet, and I want to get some film.
Okay.
Well, thanks for helping out, Roseanne.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Yeah, well, you know, sometimes you, uh, you go sticking your nose in places where it doesn't belong sothings will turn out like this.
Dad, we need to talk.
That's what I used to think, but it turns out, son, we don't.
I mean it.
I set up Darlene so you and Mom get to pay her less allowance, but unless you give me I'm gonna tell her.
My, my, what a sly puss.
Look, she'll start a big fight and ruin her whole time home, and you don't want to start a big fight, do you? Oh, gee, Dan, they're so adorable before the horns and the pointed tail grow in.
Hey, Darlene, come on up here! Why do you want to call her up here? It's the only fun we get since they outlawed cockfighting.
What? Well, uh say, you know that 25 bucks that D.
J.
scammed you out of? Yeah.
Well, that was me and your dad.
That was our scam.
We thought of that ourselves.
And D.
J.
, well, he was nothing but our willing stooge.
So that wasn't your idea at all.
Nope.
It was all Mom and Dad.
You were just playing along.
Yeah, that's right.
You teamed up with them, you little snot factory.
You know, D.
J.
, for years, we tried to get Darlene to help us scam you, but she'd never do it.
Well, she's got principles.
Bad move, D.
J.
, because they're gonna die way before I do.
Looks like the two of you got a lot of things to talk over.
Winner gets this 20.
Someone get a shoebox.
There's gonna be a funeral.
Mom? Have fun, kids.
Dad, I'm scared! Perfectly natural.
Well, so what? We're reaming the kids together again.
Does that mean we're okay? [sigh.]
You know, Dan, if you weren't around here, I'd really miss you.
Well, of course.
You'd keep sliding down in the middle where the mattress tips.
No, I mean it.
Um, I'm really glad that I married you.
I know I got me one of the good ones.
Am I dying? Never mind.
Oh, come here.
What was that for? I don't--You started it.
Were you holding hands with this guy? No.
Well, Fred saw you.
Hey, I told you, if it isn't written on your hand, don't say it.
Yeah, but nobody told nothing, uh, about something with them over there.
[laughter.]
I told you, if it is not written on your hand, don't say it.
I never knew something was supposed to be about the touches something or other anyway! God, I'm so embarrassing!