The Golden Girls (1985) s07e21 Episode Script
A Midwinter Night's Dream (2)
You're a pal and a confidant And if you threw a party Invited everyone you knew You would see The biggest gift would be from me And the card attached would say Thank you for being a friend So, who's the luckiest girl in the history of the world? Well, it wasn't your mother.
Me.
I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
I finally won a giveaway.
And you said I was stupid for entering so many contests.
I did? Gee, I find it hard to believe I'd even care.
This makes it all worthwhile.
All those endless hours licking stamps, licking envelopes, temporarily losing my ability to taste sweets.
Rose, what did you win? A free prostate check.
Who's stupid now? You are.
Yeah.
Stupid all the way to the bank.
You know what kills me? The year you locked me up at Shady Pines, she roamed around free.
Dorothy, would you please check my list and see if I forgot to invite anybody to my Moonlight Madness party? Sure.
The women.
Pardon me? The women.
You invited 12 men and no women.
Now, Dorothy, I know what you're thinking, but Rose and Sophia are coming.
You'll have somebody to talk to.
No fair.
I had to talk to her the last time.
Uh, Blanche, not to doubt your stamina, but don't you think those men are gonna be bored? Oh, of course not.
Dorothy, tonight's a full moon.
A night when men's passions, like the tides, are pulled to their highest, achingly unbearable peak.
Oh, come on, Blanche.
You really think a full moon can do all that? Well, just in case, I'm also filling a watermelon with tequila.
But it's not just a full moon, Dorothy.
It's a leap year's full moon.
Anything can happen.
All your dreams can come true if you just believe.
All you have to do is believe.
Oh, I do believe.
I do believe in sluts.
Ma, what's wrong? Leap year? Full moon? Oh, my God, the curse.
Ma, it's the '90s, you can call it what it is, our monthly visitor.
No, the Curse of the Strega.
It was a curse laid on you by Lena Pascerelli, our village witch.
What village? I was born in Brooklyn.
Here's a news flash, witches can fly.
Why did she curse me? I don't know.
Maybe because you gave her the cold that eventually killed her.
The point is, on her deathbed she laid a curse on you.
"Beware the leap year's full moon.
" That's it? That's the curse? What'd you expect, poetry? The woman was on her deathbed.
Give her a break.
So, now there are three tasks I must perform before tomorrow's moon rise.
Or you are doomed.
And the three tasks are? Kiss a fool, help a holy man, reveal betrayal of a loved one.
Oh, come on, Ma.
That's superstitious nonsense.
You know, step on a crack, break your mother's back.
It doesn't work.
I know.
I tried.
Dorothy, do you think this necklace compliments my bosom? I tried.
Dorothy, do you think this necklace compliments my bosom? Blanche, if that necklace could cheer, I'm sure it would.
Well, you know this necklace is a priceless heirloom.
It belonged to my Grammy.
I've only worn it three times in my whole life, and each occasion marked the beginning of a passionate romance.
And tonight, I've decided to wear it with clothes.
Girls, I did it again.
I won another giveaway.
Oh, what did you win this time? A vasectomy? Even better.
Wait till you hear.
I won an all-expenses-paid honeymoon trip to Paris, France.
Oh, my God.
Rose Nylund? Yes? Does this mean that you and Miles Yes? That you and Miles are getting married? No.
Well, then, what in hell do you want an all-expenses-paid honeymoon for? Oh, I don't enter these for the prizes.
I do it for the thrill of winning.
The rush of adrenalin when you realize that you've grappled Madam Chance and flung her, bloodied and beaten, to the mat.
And just when you think she's dead, she gets up again, and you have to give her one of those Van Damme moves to the jaw, and Rose.
I like to win, all right? Well, now that you have, what are you gonna do with the prize? Well, it's for newlyweds only, and--and Miles and I aren't married, so I guess I'll have to give it back.
Rose, has it ever occurred to you that maybe the good Lord is trying to tell you something with this honeymoon package? Maybe he is, just maybe he is.
But what? He's tellin' you it's time for you to marry Miles.
Rose, maybe it is a sign.
I mean, you and Miles have been together for quite a while.
Look, I appreciate everybody's advice, but this isn't the way it's supposed to be.
I'm not gonna let some contest dictate what could be, and should be, the most important decision of my life.
I'm much too smart for that.
Good for you, Rose.
I think I'll just go to my room, take a couple of aspirin, turn out the lights, and wait for the voices.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING) (BLANCHE CLEARING THROAT) Blanche has entered the room.
Dorothy.
Dorothy, come here a minute.
Listen, something very strange is going on here.
Uh, would you get up and go somewhere else, please? Excuse us, please.
Sit down here.
Go, go somewhere.
I don't understand this, but these men are acting crazy.
You're telling me? I haven't been hit on like this since I stopped hanging out at the midnight show of Harold and Maude.
You mean, men are comin' on to you? Yeah.
One guy told me he thought wrinkles were sexy.
I took him out to the garage where he could see me under the fluorescents.
I'm telling you, this full moon is making people crazy.
Oh, Ma, look, I don't mean to poo-poo your whole moon thing, but poo-poo.
No, Dorothy.
There really is somethin' going on here.
Well, I mean, just look how the men are all flocking around you and totally ignoring me.
It's It's nature gone loco.
Wait a minute.
That's not so ridiculous.
Dorothy has her own allure.
She's confident.
Men are attracted to a confident woman.
Oh, God, I can never keep a straight face.
Sophia, this is serious.
Tonight is supposed to be one of the most romantic nights of my life.
You think you've got problems? I have to kiss a fool to save Dorothy from the curse.
So why don't you just kiss Rose and get it over with? Technically, Rose isn't a fool.
She's a simpleton.
What's the difference? How can I explain it? Fools read "Dear Abby.
" Simpletons read Ann Landers.
It's a fine line.
Actually, I'm very tired.
I dreamed all last night that I was a car muffler, and when I woke up this morning, I was exhausted.
That's brilliant.
How do you come up with these? Oh, I learned most of them as a child.
But they're still very relevant today.
Yeah.
Oh, here's Miles.
Excuse me.
Hello, honey.
Come on out here where we can talk.
Excuse me.
Who's Miles? Her boyfriend.
She has a boyfriend? Shoot.
Every time I meet a smart girl, she's already taken.
Wait a minute.
You think she's smart? Well, yeah.
Hot damn! (DOORBELL RINGING) Hi, Blanche.
I was sitting home feeling sorry for myself, so I thought I'd do some risk taking and invite myself over.
Here I am.
Totally vulnerable.
Taking a chance.
I am so proud of me.
(DOORBELL RINGING) You know, that would have devastated the old me.
But the new me? Just an emotional owie.
And do you know why? Because I like myself.
(DOORBELL RINGING) The new me is starting to get honked off.
Look, I'm lonely and scared, and you're having a party.
Can I come in or not? Look, Carol, now I am going to be honest here.
I took great pains with this guest list, and frankly, there is room here for only one young, attractive female.
Oh, then I just got in under the wire.
Boy, look at that great, shining orb.
You know, it's hard to believe it's been hanging there for millions of years, long before man even came to be.
Controls the tides, affects the weather.
Without the moon, the Earth would be a barren, stagnant, uninhabitable planet, Rose.
It gives life, Rose.
It's a big rock, you know.
Yeah, yeah, I--I suppose it is.
But a full moon, Rose, makes me feel frisky.
Makes me want to do something I've never done before.
Like what? (HOWLING) Come on, Rose, you do it, too.
Well Oh, come on.
(HOWLING) You see? You don't need money to have fun.
Oh, I love you, Miles.
I love you, too, Rose.
Miles, have you ever thought about us getting married? Uh, well Well, sure, eventually.
As soon as I put a little money away.
(SIGHS) What? You think I'm being cheap again, huh? I'm not, Rose.
I just want to do things right.
You know, a nice honeymoon is expensive.
You know where I want to go? Where? Paris.
Rose, you know what round-trip bus tickets to Paris, Texas cost? I mean Paris, France.
France? Rose, you don't want to go to France.
They got all that rich food, pigeons everywhere, that corny music.
No.
Listen to me.
See America first.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
Because I just won a contest, and the prize was a honeymoon trip to Paris worth $15,000.
Oh-la-la! Hey, we're going to Paris! What? Oh, well, don't you see, Rose, that we were just talking about getting married, and if we do it now, we can go to Paris, France? And we can use that money we would've blown on the bus tickets to eat out.
Oh, they pay for everything.
They What a prize, eh? Let's go for it, Rose.
Oh, no, wait--wait a minute.
We're not just getting married because of the contest, are we? Oh, no, no.
Oh, sweetheart, no.
I'm marrying you because I love you.
I mean, the prize is just the biggest, best Christmas present I ever got.
Well, okay.
Let's do it.
Let's get married.
No, no.
Well--Well, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Call me old-fashioned, but we got a proposal here, let's do it right.
Oh.
Of course.
Miles, if you'd marry me, you'd make me the happiest woman in the world.
I think I'm going to cry.
Oh, honey, don't do that.
Last night I dreamt I ate a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up, my boyfriend was gone.
I don't get it.
It's not a joke.
Blanche.
Blanche, I take back everything I said about your moon theory.
These men are relentless.
I feel like I need a spatula to keep them off me.
Good thing I don't have one.
Oh, shut up.
Why, Blanche, whatever is the matter? You know very well what the matter is, Dorothy.
This stupid moon has all the men actin' crazy.
Nobody wants me.
It's freaky.
Really? I haven't noticed anything unusual.
Oh, you filthy pig.
Okay, I admit the dirty note was a little unusual.
Everyone, may we have your attention? We have an announcement.
We're taking the prize.
You mean we're getting married.
Oh, that's right.
We're getting married.
And we're taking the prize.
Oh, Rose.
Rose.
Oh, this is just crazy and wonderful Oh, congratulations.
and calls for a toast.
To Miles and Rose, and poor, lonely Blanche.
I am so excited.
I'm gonna have an old-fashioned St.
Olaf wedding.
Dorothy, you're my best friend.
Will you be my maid of honor? Oh, Rose, I'd be Wait a minute.
I won't have to wear horns or one of those metal brassieres, will I? Oh, no, Dorothy.
I'm the one that's getting married.
Then I'd love to.
A blessing for the couple.
You invited a rabbi to a Moonlight Madness party? May God bless and (EXCLAIMS) Oh, look.
A holy man in need of help.
Let me help you, O holy man.
Blanche, I've kissed a fool.
I've helped a holy man.
Now I just need to reveal the betrayal of a loved one.
What's the worst thing you've ever done to Dorothy? When she moved in here, I told her there'd be plenty of room for you.
I'll keep looking.
Excuse me, Blanche.
I think I'm gonna leave.
I'm not having such a good time.
Oh, what a relief to know it isn't just me.
I mean, it's like every man here just wants to sleep with me.
Even the rabbi with the limp.
Yes, well, if you'll excuse me now, I think I'll just go jump into a hot tub and pop open a vein.
Barbara.
You've always been like a daughter to me, Barbara.
I'm Carol.
Oh, yeah.
The whiny one.
Barbara's your sister.
And sisters don't always get along, do they? Tell me about it.
How do you deal with that feeling of betrayal? Betrayal? For what? What do you mean for what? For that thing.
What thing? The thing that made you feel betrayed.
Barbara did that? She laughed about it.
She did? Carol, you must get revenge.
Go, betray your sister.
You're right.
I'll get her.
I'll get her good.
Wait.
Wait, I have to know what you're gonna do.
Oh, damn.
Another senseless accident.
Excuse me, miss, but do you know how smashingly lovely your eyes are? Oh, please.
I'll bet you talked to Dorothy and she sent you out on this mission of mercy.
So just take a hike, tea bag.
I beg your pardon.
Uh, I don't know who this Dorothy is.
I don't know any of the women here.
I like that in a man.
Well, I'm Blanche and I have lovely eyes.
I'm Derek.
The pleasure is mine.
Derek, listen, before we go any further, there's somethin' I have to know.
Yes? Are the English really as bad in bed as they say? Well, we're not insatiable like the Germans, if that's what you mean, but we do have compensating qualities.
Such as? We're not the French.
Bloody frogs.
Terrible people.
Coming through.
Sophia, I think I've found him.
My moonlight romance.
Wait a minute.
You're not gonna use Blanche for your own depraved pleasures and then betray her by casting her aside like yesterday's garbage, are you? Certainly not.
You sure? Because it would really help me out.
Oh, sorry, Miles.
I didn't mean to disturb you.
Oh, that's That's quite all right.
Oh, I just had to get away from all those men in there.
All demanding my attention.
Well, I understand.
Oh, I mean, all those guys, they're just hanging on my every word.
Golly, that must be annoying.
Not really.
Where's Rose? I don't know.
Dorothy, am I doing the right thing? Here I'm gonna marry Rose, I don't even know if I can live with her.
I mean, what if she leaves every light on in the house at night? Or just doesn't turn off the faucet so that it drips all night long? Or just stands there and stares into the refrigerator? Just stares.
Oh, Dorothy, my God.
Oh, Miles, I don't know what you're so worried about.
Rose is a wonderful woman.
She's so loving and caring.
All right, so she's not perfect.
So she has a--a few faults.
Like what? She's maddening.
St.
Olaf stories, sock puppets, and she's so cheerful in the morning that you just want to take your grapefruit and shove it in her face.
Hard.
As hard as she can stand it.
Boy, I'd like to see who was runner-up for maid of honor.
The point is, the two of you are gonna be very happy together.
Yeah, but, Dorothy, you don't think we're being crazy? Of course you are.
You're crazy and wonderful, the way you should be.
Like Puck says in A Midsummer Night's Dream, when it comes to love, "Lord, what fools these mortals be!" (LAUGHING) Oh, Dorothy.
What? Oh, I thought I was the only one who quoted Shakespeare in a normal conversation.
Really? You know, Dorothy, it's funny.
A casual observer would say we're the ones who should be together.
We share the same interests, we're in the same field, we're both attractive.
Well, the evening isn't over yet.
Maybe my Prince Charming will get moonstruck and sweep me away the way you did Rose.
Oh, I hope so, Dorothy.
You deserve it.
I want to thank you for being a good friend and a good person.
You are very, very welcome.
I do love her, you know? I know.
Hello, Judas.
(GASPS) I'm sorry, Miles.
No, no.
(STUTTERING) No, Dorothy, it's my fault.
I'm sorry.
Although, no--no Well, wait a minute.
Why should we be sorry? Come on, we're friends, we've known each other a long time.
I mean, things like this just Just happen.
There is nothing wrong with two people showing each other how they feel.
We're just friends.
We're scum.
Herring balls? (DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, excuse me, more guests.
Don't tarry.
(LAUGHS) I love the way you British talk.
Well, hurry back and I'll say more words.
Oh.
Dreyfuss.
I guess I did invite every male in town.
Hello, pup.
I'm sorry, Derek.
Oh, that's all right.
We British love dogs.
It's children we can't stand.
Herring balls? I'm sorry, Rose.
I'm just sorry.
Oh, that's all right, Dorothy.
Not everybody likes them.
But boy, Miles has just disappeared.
Have you seen him? Maybe I will have a herring ball.
What about Miles? And one for later.
Oh, Ma, I've done something terrible.
I didn't think it was gonna happen, but it did.
I am so ashamed.
I'm sure you're just blowing this out of proportion.
The Dorothy I raised is a good Catholic girl.
And what's worse, in the process, I have hurt a friend.
Hey, a true friend will forgive you anything and love you no matter what.
Just as I, your mother, loves you, no matter what.
Now, tell me, Dorothy, what did you do that's so terrible? I hugged Miles.
You're going to hell, missy.
What? For hugging a man? For lying to your mother.
I saw what was going on on the lanai.
It was just a little kiss.
Little kiss? I haven't seen that kind of face eating since Silence of the Lambs.
Oh, Ma.
Ma, what am I gonna do? We're gonna use this for your own good.
Once I've told Rose that I saw you kissing Miles, I will have satisfied all the terms of the Curse of the Strega.
Ma, you cannot tell Rose.
And I can't believe that you're still talking about that silly curse.
I've worked my butt off for you.
I kissed a fool, I helped a holy man, and I witnessed the betrayal of a loved one.
That's a lot of work for a woman who nods off all day on the couch.
Ma, please, please, if somebody has to tell Rose, please, let it be me.
I'm sorry, but that won't satisfy the curse.
Besides, I'm doing this for your own good.
For my own good? The last time you said that you volunteered me for psychological experiments.
Hey, the pay was good.
And to this day nobody, nobody can make it through a maze faster than you can.
Dorothy, where's the cheese? Right turn, left turn, right turn.
Must find the cheese.
Must find the cheese.
Dorothy? Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Uh, listen, Rose.
Rose, may I ask you a question? Uh, a purely hypothetical question? Oh, sure.
Okay.
Uh, let's say that you make Miles a batch of your delicious creamy cupcakes.
And he loves them so much that he wants you to make them all the time.
Miles does have a sweet tooth.
But let's say that even though he loves your cupcakes more than life itself, one day he decides to try somebody else's cupcakes.
For lack of a better example, let's say, my cupcakes.
And I, in a mad, passionate moment, uh, forget myself and let him try my cupcakes.
How would that make you feel? I'd like to think I'd understand.
Oh.
Good.
Good.
I was hoping that's what you would say.
(GIGGLING) What? I'm sorry.
It's just the idea of Miles wanting to try your cupcakes.
Why is that funny? No offense, Dorothy, but your cupcakes are dry and tasteless.
Nobody ever likes your cupcakes.
My cupcakes are moist and delicious.
Men love my cupcakes.
Get a clue, Dorothy.
Men would rather pay for cupcakes.
Let me tell you something, you Swedish meatball, I've Wait, wait a minute.
You're actually talking about cupcakes, aren't you? You bet I'm talking about cupcakes.
What are you talking about? Wait a minute.
Have you and Miles been baking together? Rose, I would never do that to you.
I swear.
Good.
Because if I ever caught Miles with another woman in my kitchen, I'd Oh, Dorothy, it's finally happened.
I have met the man of my dreams.
My reason for livin'.
My soul mate.
Oh, Dorothy, I feel as if I've known him for all eternity.
Oh, honey, what is his name? Derek somethin'.
Oh, Dorothy, he's so classy.
He's English.
You know what that means? You've completed your "Men of Western Europe" collection.
You're not gonna spoil this for me, Dorothy.
He is perfect.
He just takes my breath away.
Oh, my gosh.
My Grammy's necklace is gone.
I'll bet it slipped off when I was showing Derek the view.
Blanche, we don't have a view.
Speak for yourself.
Oh, Miles, I'm looking for Derek.
He's, uh, he's about yea tall, has a mustache, a British accent.
Have you seen him? Why are you asking me, Blanche? A man so blinded by carnal desire that he would throw away everything he holds dear for one forbidden kiss.
Come on, Miles.
Lay off the rum cake.
Dreyfuss, what are you doing? That's not dog food.
That's Herring balls.
Eat.
Eat.
(DOORBELL RINGING) Sophia, I'm very angry with you.
Not now, Barbara, I'm busy.
I've gotta find Rose and tell her something.
Did you or did you not just tell my sister that I betrayed her? It was the only way I could get rid of her.
She's a nut, you know.
You see it, too? That's why I was so angry when she told me about that thing she had done to you.
What thing? You know.
No, I don't.
I think you do.
Hold it.
She wasn't the one who put the She joked about it.
I laughed because I had to play along.
Well, I don't hate you, Sophia.
I hate her, and I'm gonna get her back if it's the last thing I do.
Maybe the paperboy is right.
I'm just a mean old lady.
Dorothy.
Miles.
Look, Dorothy, about the kiss.
What kiss? I didn't see a kiss.
Was there a kiss? No.
And neither of us must speak of it, because it never really happened.
At least it wouldn't have if you hadn't started up with me.
Me? I did no such thing.
Oh, please.
You with your neatly trimmed beard and your flat stomach.
Oh, and I suppose it was a mere accident that you happen to have the softest lips this side of my mother.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
You took that the wrong way.
That's What I What I meant was Well, it's none of your business.
That woman was a saint.
Trollop.
Gigolo.
Is there something wrong here? Oh, that woman is impossible.
The man is a cretin.
Dorothy? Miles? Dorothy.
Sophia, I don't believe this.
What's wrong, Blanche? It's Derek.
He's gone.
What's more, nobody here has seen him or even knows him.
And what's worse, I think maybe he stole my necklace.
Can it be that his sweet words meant nothin'? That--That he was just after my jewelry? Blanche, a terrible thing has happened.
But when life does something like this to you, there are a couple things you gotta remember.
You got your health, right? Yeah.
You can still walk, can't you? That's true.
Great.
Go get me a glass of water.
BLANCHE: Oh, I hate him.
God, do I hate him.
Not only did he steal my necklace, but he betrayed my trust.
Oh, please, God, let him get caught.
Let him go to jail.
Let him rot and die in some filthy cell with the rats gnawin' at his eyes.
You know, when you pray, the kitchen almost becomes a chapel.
He made me think he was attracted to me, Dorothy.
He deserves the electric chair.
That'd shock the smirk right off his smug limey face.
But, Blanche, what if he didn't steal the necklace? Well, then we'll probably get married.
Come on, Miles.
Please, no You have to talk to Dorothy.
Rose, I can't.
I want to know what you're fighting about.
Look, Rose, it is no big deal.
Sweetheart, this doesn't involve you.
Well, look, no one's leaving this kitchen until someone tells the truth.
I'll tell you.
Miles.
Dorothy.
Dorothy stole $500 from me.
You liar.
Well, just stop it, both of you.
We're all friends here.
And there are gonna be times when we accidentally hurt one another.
And there are gonna be times when we accidentally steal large sums of money.
I didn't! Now I want to see you two kiss and make up.
Oh-oh.
Well, this is silly, Ro.
Just do it.
Rose.
Thank God I found you.
It's not too late.
Don't, Ma.
Don't try to stop me, Dorothy.
This curse is bigger than both of us.
Well, bigger than me.
I'm only doing this because I love you.
ROSE: What is it, Sophia? I saw Dorothy and Miles kissing.
I said, I saw Dorothy, your friend, and Miles, your fiance, kissing.
Hello? Dorothy.
Miles.
Lips aflame.
They were kissing.
And? And she's pregnant with his love child.
What do you mean, "And"? Isn't that enough? Aren't you shocked? Not really.
I--I saw them kiss.
Oh, it's no big deal, Sophia.
In fact, I think it solved everything.
Well, Ma, you must be glad that we're finished with the curse.
Yeah, yeah, curse.
I revealed a betrayal, and she didn't even cry.
It was more fun tripping the rabbi.
Is he still here? Come on, Dreyfuss.
You're always the last one to leave a party.
What's that? Timmy needs help? I know.
You always hate it when I do that.
Good night.
Uh, excuse me, excuse me.
Uh, Blanche Devereaux? I'm Blanche Devereaux.
Blanche, my pet, I'm afraid there's been a terrible mistake.
This gentleman thinks I stole your car.
My car? You stole my car? Borrowed, precious.
That's his story, but I know what happens with older folks like yourself.
A guy comes to the door, he talks too fast, you get confused.
You'd think they'd have more respect for senior citizens.
I lent him the car.
Oh, come on, Blanche.
You have to admit, when you get to our age there are people who can outwit us.
I gave him the car.
I knew exactly what I was doing.
A tossed salad could outwit you, Rose.
Well, all right, ma'am.
If you say you know this fellow, then I guess it's all right.
You have a good night.
Well, Derek? Darling, I can explain.
A tossed salad can outwit me? Will someone please tell me what that's supposed to mean? Perhaps I should explain privately.
I cannot believe this.
I just can't.
I give you four of the best hours of my life, and this is the thanks I get? Blanche, my darling, I can explain.
Oh, you have disappointed me, Derek, and you have lost my trust.
And when a man loses the trust of Blanche Devereaux, well, let's just say I have a list of things I will not do with guys I don't trust.
Admittedly, it's a short list, but I bet all your favorites are on it.
Oh, Blanche, you must listen.
How could you have done this? Blanche, I'm a thief.
Well, actually, I was a thief.
As I was driving away this evening in your car Oh, for shame! I suddenly thought, "What am I doing? "For a few paltry jewels, I'm throwing away the greatest jewel of all.
" Oh, come on, what's on the list? Not so fast.
Let's just wait till you're completely rehabilitated.
Which can be fun, too.
Well, let me start my rehabilitation by giving you back your lovely necklace.
Thank you.
And your ankle bracelet.
Thank you.
And your signet ring.
That isn't mine.
Oh, well, then we're square.
Blanche, you were right.
What do we have without trust? Because with trust anything is possible.
Anything.
Well, not to be overly cautious, but I do think I'll go put these in the safe.
Oh, I understand.
There's a safe? So, you're Blanche's thief.
Blanche, a remarkable woman.
I've known her just this evening, and she's already reformed me.
The result of her benevolence, I shall steal no more.
Boy, I don't envy you.
My friends in the work force say this is no easy time to be changing careers.
Those are lovely earrings you're wearing.
Thank you.
They're family heirlooms.
They're worth more than your lazy-ass husband will make in a lifetime.
Or at least that's how Mom used to describe them to me.
Rose, has anyone ever told you your eyes are as blue as the Mediterranean in summer? No.
I've been warned if I cross them, they'll stay that way.
Or that your lips are as luscious as red raspberries in fall? I love raspberries.
Or that your fragrance Oh, my God, your fragrance drives a man to the absolute limit of his self-control? (MOANS) (DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, Lord.
I act like a bad girl once in my life and I get caught.
We ran a make on that gentleman friend of yours.
Seems he's wanted for jewel theft in four states.
Afraid I'm gonna have to ask him to come along with me.
He's not a thief.
He's a-- He's a thoroughly changed man.
See for yourself.
He's gone.
Ma, I'm scared.
I don't think the curse is over yet.
Dorothy, you don't have to rationalize to me.
You want another glass of wine, take it.
Oh, I feel guiltier than ever.
Ma, I didn't tell a friend the truth.
Rose doesn't need to find out.
We can move on with our lives as if nothing happened.
Let it go, pussycat.
Dorothy, she's right.
I'm gonna marry Rose, you'll be the maid of honor.
Oh, that's right, that's right, the maid of honor.
The guilty, sin-ridden, back-stabbing maid of honor.
She's not letting go.
Look, I'm sorry, Ma, I don't like to keep secrets.
Oh, like when you kept the secret you were taking me to Shady Pines? Ma, I swear I didn't sleep more than seven hours that night.
I'm telling Rose.
Hey, Dorothy, if you tell Rose, she'll think I'm trying to hide it.
Well, you are.
Only because you were.
Hey, hey, now listen, if you're gonna tell her, I'm gonna tell her first.
What difference does it make who tells her first? Look, this isn't for our good, it's for her good.
Now, let's just go out there and tell her.
Look, Dorothy, if you let me tell her first, I'll forget about the $500.
That's a lie.
Bad girl.
I'm a bad girl.
Rose? She's a bad girl.
Look, Rose, we have to talk.
Please, sit down a second.
Oh, I don't deserve to sit.
Rose, what are you talking about? Oh, Dorothy, you can't see my dark side because you're good, and good can't see evil.
Oh, no, no.
I am the evil one.
I kissed Miles.
I know you kissed Miles.
I saw you.
No, before that.
It was earlier and longer.
Look, Rose.
Rose, it--it just happened.
I mean, evil took over my lips.
I--I feel so guilty.
We both do.
Well, that's the silliest thing I ever heard, feeling guilty for sharing a little kiss with a friend.
Well, see, she's right.
There's nothing wrong with kissing a friend.
Or a stranger.
Who knows why we acted like we did.
We? Let me finish.
Miles, maybe you did it because you're just a little nervous about us getting married.
Well, I am a little.
Well, that's because we're rushing into it for some free honeymoon.
Not because we're ready.
And, Dorothy, maybe subconsciously, you were trying to block my marriage because you like me living here.
Okay.
And, Sophia, maybe you wanted to tell me about Miles and Dorothy kissing because you're just a mean old woman like the paperboy said.
Okay.
Where's Where's Derek? Oh, I'm sorry, Blanche, the police came for him, and he ran away.
He's gone? Gone again? Are you all right, Blanche? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I guess I'm all right.
I mean, I threw my party because I wanted romance and excitement and moonlight madness, and that's what I got.
I got it all with an English accent, and I didn't have to compromise my virtue.
I feel like a lady again.
And to tell you the truth, I'm startin' to get sick of it.
What a night.
Doesn't it feel as though we just woke from a dream? You know, it really has been like Shakespeare, with magic and moonlight and the wrong people falling in love.
I mean, what does Puck say in the last speech from A Midsummer Night's Dream? "If we shadows have offended, "Think but this, and all is mended, "That you have but slumbered here "While these visions did appear.
"And this weak and idle theme, No more yielding but a dream" Well, pardon me while I play the grand piano.
Good evening, this is Tony Segreto from Station WTVJ, Miami, Florida.
We have just experienced the first full moon of the cycle, but be prepared.
The next full moon is on the rise.
All of Miami is abuzz as the lunar pull impacts behavior across the country.
Our switchboard hasn't stopped lighting up with calls from citizens sighting high tides, romantic trysts, werewolves, women proposing to men, and a grunion holocaust as sheer lunacy takes a strong hold over the city.
And later this evening, Pete Rose's reflections on the Winter Olympics and an original sonnet, but first, stay tuned for more lunar madness.
Me.
I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
I finally won a giveaway.
And you said I was stupid for entering so many contests.
I did? Gee, I find it hard to believe I'd even care.
This makes it all worthwhile.
All those endless hours licking stamps, licking envelopes, temporarily losing my ability to taste sweets.
Rose, what did you win? A free prostate check.
Who's stupid now? You are.
Yeah.
Stupid all the way to the bank.
You know what kills me? The year you locked me up at Shady Pines, she roamed around free.
Dorothy, would you please check my list and see if I forgot to invite anybody to my Moonlight Madness party? Sure.
The women.
Pardon me? The women.
You invited 12 men and no women.
Now, Dorothy, I know what you're thinking, but Rose and Sophia are coming.
You'll have somebody to talk to.
No fair.
I had to talk to her the last time.
Uh, Blanche, not to doubt your stamina, but don't you think those men are gonna be bored? Oh, of course not.
Dorothy, tonight's a full moon.
A night when men's passions, like the tides, are pulled to their highest, achingly unbearable peak.
Oh, come on, Blanche.
You really think a full moon can do all that? Well, just in case, I'm also filling a watermelon with tequila.
But it's not just a full moon, Dorothy.
It's a leap year's full moon.
Anything can happen.
All your dreams can come true if you just believe.
All you have to do is believe.
Oh, I do believe.
I do believe in sluts.
Ma, what's wrong? Leap year? Full moon? Oh, my God, the curse.
Ma, it's the '90s, you can call it what it is, our monthly visitor.
No, the Curse of the Strega.
It was a curse laid on you by Lena Pascerelli, our village witch.
What village? I was born in Brooklyn.
Here's a news flash, witches can fly.
Why did she curse me? I don't know.
Maybe because you gave her the cold that eventually killed her.
The point is, on her deathbed she laid a curse on you.
"Beware the leap year's full moon.
" That's it? That's the curse? What'd you expect, poetry? The woman was on her deathbed.
Give her a break.
So, now there are three tasks I must perform before tomorrow's moon rise.
Or you are doomed.
And the three tasks are? Kiss a fool, help a holy man, reveal betrayal of a loved one.
Oh, come on, Ma.
That's superstitious nonsense.
You know, step on a crack, break your mother's back.
It doesn't work.
I know.
I tried.
Dorothy, do you think this necklace compliments my bosom? I tried.
Dorothy, do you think this necklace compliments my bosom? Blanche, if that necklace could cheer, I'm sure it would.
Well, you know this necklace is a priceless heirloom.
It belonged to my Grammy.
I've only worn it three times in my whole life, and each occasion marked the beginning of a passionate romance.
And tonight, I've decided to wear it with clothes.
Girls, I did it again.
I won another giveaway.
Oh, what did you win this time? A vasectomy? Even better.
Wait till you hear.
I won an all-expenses-paid honeymoon trip to Paris, France.
Oh, my God.
Rose Nylund? Yes? Does this mean that you and Miles Yes? That you and Miles are getting married? No.
Well, then, what in hell do you want an all-expenses-paid honeymoon for? Oh, I don't enter these for the prizes.
I do it for the thrill of winning.
The rush of adrenalin when you realize that you've grappled Madam Chance and flung her, bloodied and beaten, to the mat.
And just when you think she's dead, she gets up again, and you have to give her one of those Van Damme moves to the jaw, and Rose.
I like to win, all right? Well, now that you have, what are you gonna do with the prize? Well, it's for newlyweds only, and--and Miles and I aren't married, so I guess I'll have to give it back.
Rose, has it ever occurred to you that maybe the good Lord is trying to tell you something with this honeymoon package? Maybe he is, just maybe he is.
But what? He's tellin' you it's time for you to marry Miles.
Rose, maybe it is a sign.
I mean, you and Miles have been together for quite a while.
Look, I appreciate everybody's advice, but this isn't the way it's supposed to be.
I'm not gonna let some contest dictate what could be, and should be, the most important decision of my life.
I'm much too smart for that.
Good for you, Rose.
I think I'll just go to my room, take a couple of aspirin, turn out the lights, and wait for the voices.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING) (BLANCHE CLEARING THROAT) Blanche has entered the room.
Dorothy.
Dorothy, come here a minute.
Listen, something very strange is going on here.
Uh, would you get up and go somewhere else, please? Excuse us, please.
Sit down here.
Go, go somewhere.
I don't understand this, but these men are acting crazy.
You're telling me? I haven't been hit on like this since I stopped hanging out at the midnight show of Harold and Maude.
You mean, men are comin' on to you? Yeah.
One guy told me he thought wrinkles were sexy.
I took him out to the garage where he could see me under the fluorescents.
I'm telling you, this full moon is making people crazy.
Oh, Ma, look, I don't mean to poo-poo your whole moon thing, but poo-poo.
No, Dorothy.
There really is somethin' going on here.
Well, I mean, just look how the men are all flocking around you and totally ignoring me.
It's It's nature gone loco.
Wait a minute.
That's not so ridiculous.
Dorothy has her own allure.
She's confident.
Men are attracted to a confident woman.
Oh, God, I can never keep a straight face.
Sophia, this is serious.
Tonight is supposed to be one of the most romantic nights of my life.
You think you've got problems? I have to kiss a fool to save Dorothy from the curse.
So why don't you just kiss Rose and get it over with? Technically, Rose isn't a fool.
She's a simpleton.
What's the difference? How can I explain it? Fools read "Dear Abby.
" Simpletons read Ann Landers.
It's a fine line.
Actually, I'm very tired.
I dreamed all last night that I was a car muffler, and when I woke up this morning, I was exhausted.
That's brilliant.
How do you come up with these? Oh, I learned most of them as a child.
But they're still very relevant today.
Yeah.
Oh, here's Miles.
Excuse me.
Hello, honey.
Come on out here where we can talk.
Excuse me.
Who's Miles? Her boyfriend.
She has a boyfriend? Shoot.
Every time I meet a smart girl, she's already taken.
Wait a minute.
You think she's smart? Well, yeah.
Hot damn! (DOORBELL RINGING) Hi, Blanche.
I was sitting home feeling sorry for myself, so I thought I'd do some risk taking and invite myself over.
Here I am.
Totally vulnerable.
Taking a chance.
I am so proud of me.
(DOORBELL RINGING) You know, that would have devastated the old me.
But the new me? Just an emotional owie.
And do you know why? Because I like myself.
(DOORBELL RINGING) The new me is starting to get honked off.
Look, I'm lonely and scared, and you're having a party.
Can I come in or not? Look, Carol, now I am going to be honest here.
I took great pains with this guest list, and frankly, there is room here for only one young, attractive female.
Oh, then I just got in under the wire.
Boy, look at that great, shining orb.
You know, it's hard to believe it's been hanging there for millions of years, long before man even came to be.
Controls the tides, affects the weather.
Without the moon, the Earth would be a barren, stagnant, uninhabitable planet, Rose.
It gives life, Rose.
It's a big rock, you know.
Yeah, yeah, I--I suppose it is.
But a full moon, Rose, makes me feel frisky.
Makes me want to do something I've never done before.
Like what? (HOWLING) Come on, Rose, you do it, too.
Well Oh, come on.
(HOWLING) You see? You don't need money to have fun.
Oh, I love you, Miles.
I love you, too, Rose.
Miles, have you ever thought about us getting married? Uh, well Well, sure, eventually.
As soon as I put a little money away.
(SIGHS) What? You think I'm being cheap again, huh? I'm not, Rose.
I just want to do things right.
You know, a nice honeymoon is expensive.
You know where I want to go? Where? Paris.
Rose, you know what round-trip bus tickets to Paris, Texas cost? I mean Paris, France.
France? Rose, you don't want to go to France.
They got all that rich food, pigeons everywhere, that corny music.
No.
Listen to me.
See America first.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
Because I just won a contest, and the prize was a honeymoon trip to Paris worth $15,000.
Oh-la-la! Hey, we're going to Paris! What? Oh, well, don't you see, Rose, that we were just talking about getting married, and if we do it now, we can go to Paris, France? And we can use that money we would've blown on the bus tickets to eat out.
Oh, they pay for everything.
They What a prize, eh? Let's go for it, Rose.
Oh, no, wait--wait a minute.
We're not just getting married because of the contest, are we? Oh, no, no.
Oh, sweetheart, no.
I'm marrying you because I love you.
I mean, the prize is just the biggest, best Christmas present I ever got.
Well, okay.
Let's do it.
Let's get married.
No, no.
Well--Well, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Call me old-fashioned, but we got a proposal here, let's do it right.
Oh.
Of course.
Miles, if you'd marry me, you'd make me the happiest woman in the world.
I think I'm going to cry.
Oh, honey, don't do that.
Last night I dreamt I ate a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up, my boyfriend was gone.
I don't get it.
It's not a joke.
Blanche.
Blanche, I take back everything I said about your moon theory.
These men are relentless.
I feel like I need a spatula to keep them off me.
Good thing I don't have one.
Oh, shut up.
Why, Blanche, whatever is the matter? You know very well what the matter is, Dorothy.
This stupid moon has all the men actin' crazy.
Nobody wants me.
It's freaky.
Really? I haven't noticed anything unusual.
Oh, you filthy pig.
Okay, I admit the dirty note was a little unusual.
Everyone, may we have your attention? We have an announcement.
We're taking the prize.
You mean we're getting married.
Oh, that's right.
We're getting married.
And we're taking the prize.
Oh, Rose.
Rose.
Oh, this is just crazy and wonderful Oh, congratulations.
and calls for a toast.
To Miles and Rose, and poor, lonely Blanche.
I am so excited.
I'm gonna have an old-fashioned St.
Olaf wedding.
Dorothy, you're my best friend.
Will you be my maid of honor? Oh, Rose, I'd be Wait a minute.
I won't have to wear horns or one of those metal brassieres, will I? Oh, no, Dorothy.
I'm the one that's getting married.
Then I'd love to.
A blessing for the couple.
You invited a rabbi to a Moonlight Madness party? May God bless and (EXCLAIMS) Oh, look.
A holy man in need of help.
Let me help you, O holy man.
Blanche, I've kissed a fool.
I've helped a holy man.
Now I just need to reveal the betrayal of a loved one.
What's the worst thing you've ever done to Dorothy? When she moved in here, I told her there'd be plenty of room for you.
I'll keep looking.
Excuse me, Blanche.
I think I'm gonna leave.
I'm not having such a good time.
Oh, what a relief to know it isn't just me.
I mean, it's like every man here just wants to sleep with me.
Even the rabbi with the limp.
Yes, well, if you'll excuse me now, I think I'll just go jump into a hot tub and pop open a vein.
Barbara.
You've always been like a daughter to me, Barbara.
I'm Carol.
Oh, yeah.
The whiny one.
Barbara's your sister.
And sisters don't always get along, do they? Tell me about it.
How do you deal with that feeling of betrayal? Betrayal? For what? What do you mean for what? For that thing.
What thing? The thing that made you feel betrayed.
Barbara did that? She laughed about it.
She did? Carol, you must get revenge.
Go, betray your sister.
You're right.
I'll get her.
I'll get her good.
Wait.
Wait, I have to know what you're gonna do.
Oh, damn.
Another senseless accident.
Excuse me, miss, but do you know how smashingly lovely your eyes are? Oh, please.
I'll bet you talked to Dorothy and she sent you out on this mission of mercy.
So just take a hike, tea bag.
I beg your pardon.
Uh, I don't know who this Dorothy is.
I don't know any of the women here.
I like that in a man.
Well, I'm Blanche and I have lovely eyes.
I'm Derek.
The pleasure is mine.
Derek, listen, before we go any further, there's somethin' I have to know.
Yes? Are the English really as bad in bed as they say? Well, we're not insatiable like the Germans, if that's what you mean, but we do have compensating qualities.
Such as? We're not the French.
Bloody frogs.
Terrible people.
Coming through.
Sophia, I think I've found him.
My moonlight romance.
Wait a minute.
You're not gonna use Blanche for your own depraved pleasures and then betray her by casting her aside like yesterday's garbage, are you? Certainly not.
You sure? Because it would really help me out.
Oh, sorry, Miles.
I didn't mean to disturb you.
Oh, that's That's quite all right.
Oh, I just had to get away from all those men in there.
All demanding my attention.
Well, I understand.
Oh, I mean, all those guys, they're just hanging on my every word.
Golly, that must be annoying.
Not really.
Where's Rose? I don't know.
Dorothy, am I doing the right thing? Here I'm gonna marry Rose, I don't even know if I can live with her.
I mean, what if she leaves every light on in the house at night? Or just doesn't turn off the faucet so that it drips all night long? Or just stands there and stares into the refrigerator? Just stares.
Oh, Dorothy, my God.
Oh, Miles, I don't know what you're so worried about.
Rose is a wonderful woman.
She's so loving and caring.
All right, so she's not perfect.
So she has a--a few faults.
Like what? She's maddening.
St.
Olaf stories, sock puppets, and she's so cheerful in the morning that you just want to take your grapefruit and shove it in her face.
Hard.
As hard as she can stand it.
Boy, I'd like to see who was runner-up for maid of honor.
The point is, the two of you are gonna be very happy together.
Yeah, but, Dorothy, you don't think we're being crazy? Of course you are.
You're crazy and wonderful, the way you should be.
Like Puck says in A Midsummer Night's Dream, when it comes to love, "Lord, what fools these mortals be!" (LAUGHING) Oh, Dorothy.
What? Oh, I thought I was the only one who quoted Shakespeare in a normal conversation.
Really? You know, Dorothy, it's funny.
A casual observer would say we're the ones who should be together.
We share the same interests, we're in the same field, we're both attractive.
Well, the evening isn't over yet.
Maybe my Prince Charming will get moonstruck and sweep me away the way you did Rose.
Oh, I hope so, Dorothy.
You deserve it.
I want to thank you for being a good friend and a good person.
You are very, very welcome.
I do love her, you know? I know.
Hello, Judas.
(GASPS) I'm sorry, Miles.
No, no.
(STUTTERING) No, Dorothy, it's my fault.
I'm sorry.
Although, no--no Well, wait a minute.
Why should we be sorry? Come on, we're friends, we've known each other a long time.
I mean, things like this just Just happen.
There is nothing wrong with two people showing each other how they feel.
We're just friends.
We're scum.
Herring balls? (DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, excuse me, more guests.
Don't tarry.
(LAUGHS) I love the way you British talk.
Well, hurry back and I'll say more words.
Oh.
Dreyfuss.
I guess I did invite every male in town.
Hello, pup.
I'm sorry, Derek.
Oh, that's all right.
We British love dogs.
It's children we can't stand.
Herring balls? I'm sorry, Rose.
I'm just sorry.
Oh, that's all right, Dorothy.
Not everybody likes them.
But boy, Miles has just disappeared.
Have you seen him? Maybe I will have a herring ball.
What about Miles? And one for later.
Oh, Ma, I've done something terrible.
I didn't think it was gonna happen, but it did.
I am so ashamed.
I'm sure you're just blowing this out of proportion.
The Dorothy I raised is a good Catholic girl.
And what's worse, in the process, I have hurt a friend.
Hey, a true friend will forgive you anything and love you no matter what.
Just as I, your mother, loves you, no matter what.
Now, tell me, Dorothy, what did you do that's so terrible? I hugged Miles.
You're going to hell, missy.
What? For hugging a man? For lying to your mother.
I saw what was going on on the lanai.
It was just a little kiss.
Little kiss? I haven't seen that kind of face eating since Silence of the Lambs.
Oh, Ma.
Ma, what am I gonna do? We're gonna use this for your own good.
Once I've told Rose that I saw you kissing Miles, I will have satisfied all the terms of the Curse of the Strega.
Ma, you cannot tell Rose.
And I can't believe that you're still talking about that silly curse.
I've worked my butt off for you.
I kissed a fool, I helped a holy man, and I witnessed the betrayal of a loved one.
That's a lot of work for a woman who nods off all day on the couch.
Ma, please, please, if somebody has to tell Rose, please, let it be me.
I'm sorry, but that won't satisfy the curse.
Besides, I'm doing this for your own good.
For my own good? The last time you said that you volunteered me for psychological experiments.
Hey, the pay was good.
And to this day nobody, nobody can make it through a maze faster than you can.
Dorothy, where's the cheese? Right turn, left turn, right turn.
Must find the cheese.
Must find the cheese.
Dorothy? Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Uh, listen, Rose.
Rose, may I ask you a question? Uh, a purely hypothetical question? Oh, sure.
Okay.
Uh, let's say that you make Miles a batch of your delicious creamy cupcakes.
And he loves them so much that he wants you to make them all the time.
Miles does have a sweet tooth.
But let's say that even though he loves your cupcakes more than life itself, one day he decides to try somebody else's cupcakes.
For lack of a better example, let's say, my cupcakes.
And I, in a mad, passionate moment, uh, forget myself and let him try my cupcakes.
How would that make you feel? I'd like to think I'd understand.
Oh.
Good.
Good.
I was hoping that's what you would say.
(GIGGLING) What? I'm sorry.
It's just the idea of Miles wanting to try your cupcakes.
Why is that funny? No offense, Dorothy, but your cupcakes are dry and tasteless.
Nobody ever likes your cupcakes.
My cupcakes are moist and delicious.
Men love my cupcakes.
Get a clue, Dorothy.
Men would rather pay for cupcakes.
Let me tell you something, you Swedish meatball, I've Wait, wait a minute.
You're actually talking about cupcakes, aren't you? You bet I'm talking about cupcakes.
What are you talking about? Wait a minute.
Have you and Miles been baking together? Rose, I would never do that to you.
I swear.
Good.
Because if I ever caught Miles with another woman in my kitchen, I'd Oh, Dorothy, it's finally happened.
I have met the man of my dreams.
My reason for livin'.
My soul mate.
Oh, Dorothy, I feel as if I've known him for all eternity.
Oh, honey, what is his name? Derek somethin'.
Oh, Dorothy, he's so classy.
He's English.
You know what that means? You've completed your "Men of Western Europe" collection.
You're not gonna spoil this for me, Dorothy.
He is perfect.
He just takes my breath away.
Oh, my gosh.
My Grammy's necklace is gone.
I'll bet it slipped off when I was showing Derek the view.
Blanche, we don't have a view.
Speak for yourself.
Oh, Miles, I'm looking for Derek.
He's, uh, he's about yea tall, has a mustache, a British accent.
Have you seen him? Why are you asking me, Blanche? A man so blinded by carnal desire that he would throw away everything he holds dear for one forbidden kiss.
Come on, Miles.
Lay off the rum cake.
Dreyfuss, what are you doing? That's not dog food.
That's Herring balls.
Eat.
Eat.
(DOORBELL RINGING) Sophia, I'm very angry with you.
Not now, Barbara, I'm busy.
I've gotta find Rose and tell her something.
Did you or did you not just tell my sister that I betrayed her? It was the only way I could get rid of her.
She's a nut, you know.
You see it, too? That's why I was so angry when she told me about that thing she had done to you.
What thing? You know.
No, I don't.
I think you do.
Hold it.
She wasn't the one who put the She joked about it.
I laughed because I had to play along.
Well, I don't hate you, Sophia.
I hate her, and I'm gonna get her back if it's the last thing I do.
Maybe the paperboy is right.
I'm just a mean old lady.
Dorothy.
Miles.
Look, Dorothy, about the kiss.
What kiss? I didn't see a kiss.
Was there a kiss? No.
And neither of us must speak of it, because it never really happened.
At least it wouldn't have if you hadn't started up with me.
Me? I did no such thing.
Oh, please.
You with your neatly trimmed beard and your flat stomach.
Oh, and I suppose it was a mere accident that you happen to have the softest lips this side of my mother.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
You took that the wrong way.
That's What I What I meant was Well, it's none of your business.
That woman was a saint.
Trollop.
Gigolo.
Is there something wrong here? Oh, that woman is impossible.
The man is a cretin.
Dorothy? Miles? Dorothy.
Sophia, I don't believe this.
What's wrong, Blanche? It's Derek.
He's gone.
What's more, nobody here has seen him or even knows him.
And what's worse, I think maybe he stole my necklace.
Can it be that his sweet words meant nothin'? That--That he was just after my jewelry? Blanche, a terrible thing has happened.
But when life does something like this to you, there are a couple things you gotta remember.
You got your health, right? Yeah.
You can still walk, can't you? That's true.
Great.
Go get me a glass of water.
BLANCHE: Oh, I hate him.
God, do I hate him.
Not only did he steal my necklace, but he betrayed my trust.
Oh, please, God, let him get caught.
Let him go to jail.
Let him rot and die in some filthy cell with the rats gnawin' at his eyes.
You know, when you pray, the kitchen almost becomes a chapel.
He made me think he was attracted to me, Dorothy.
He deserves the electric chair.
That'd shock the smirk right off his smug limey face.
But, Blanche, what if he didn't steal the necklace? Well, then we'll probably get married.
Come on, Miles.
Please, no You have to talk to Dorothy.
Rose, I can't.
I want to know what you're fighting about.
Look, Rose, it is no big deal.
Sweetheart, this doesn't involve you.
Well, look, no one's leaving this kitchen until someone tells the truth.
I'll tell you.
Miles.
Dorothy.
Dorothy stole $500 from me.
You liar.
Well, just stop it, both of you.
We're all friends here.
And there are gonna be times when we accidentally hurt one another.
And there are gonna be times when we accidentally steal large sums of money.
I didn't! Now I want to see you two kiss and make up.
Oh-oh.
Well, this is silly, Ro.
Just do it.
Rose.
Thank God I found you.
It's not too late.
Don't, Ma.
Don't try to stop me, Dorothy.
This curse is bigger than both of us.
Well, bigger than me.
I'm only doing this because I love you.
ROSE: What is it, Sophia? I saw Dorothy and Miles kissing.
I said, I saw Dorothy, your friend, and Miles, your fiance, kissing.
Hello? Dorothy.
Miles.
Lips aflame.
They were kissing.
And? And she's pregnant with his love child.
What do you mean, "And"? Isn't that enough? Aren't you shocked? Not really.
I--I saw them kiss.
Oh, it's no big deal, Sophia.
In fact, I think it solved everything.
Well, Ma, you must be glad that we're finished with the curse.
Yeah, yeah, curse.
I revealed a betrayal, and she didn't even cry.
It was more fun tripping the rabbi.
Is he still here? Come on, Dreyfuss.
You're always the last one to leave a party.
What's that? Timmy needs help? I know.
You always hate it when I do that.
Good night.
Uh, excuse me, excuse me.
Uh, Blanche Devereaux? I'm Blanche Devereaux.
Blanche, my pet, I'm afraid there's been a terrible mistake.
This gentleman thinks I stole your car.
My car? You stole my car? Borrowed, precious.
That's his story, but I know what happens with older folks like yourself.
A guy comes to the door, he talks too fast, you get confused.
You'd think they'd have more respect for senior citizens.
I lent him the car.
Oh, come on, Blanche.
You have to admit, when you get to our age there are people who can outwit us.
I gave him the car.
I knew exactly what I was doing.
A tossed salad could outwit you, Rose.
Well, all right, ma'am.
If you say you know this fellow, then I guess it's all right.
You have a good night.
Well, Derek? Darling, I can explain.
A tossed salad can outwit me? Will someone please tell me what that's supposed to mean? Perhaps I should explain privately.
I cannot believe this.
I just can't.
I give you four of the best hours of my life, and this is the thanks I get? Blanche, my darling, I can explain.
Oh, you have disappointed me, Derek, and you have lost my trust.
And when a man loses the trust of Blanche Devereaux, well, let's just say I have a list of things I will not do with guys I don't trust.
Admittedly, it's a short list, but I bet all your favorites are on it.
Oh, Blanche, you must listen.
How could you have done this? Blanche, I'm a thief.
Well, actually, I was a thief.
As I was driving away this evening in your car Oh, for shame! I suddenly thought, "What am I doing? "For a few paltry jewels, I'm throwing away the greatest jewel of all.
" Oh, come on, what's on the list? Not so fast.
Let's just wait till you're completely rehabilitated.
Which can be fun, too.
Well, let me start my rehabilitation by giving you back your lovely necklace.
Thank you.
And your ankle bracelet.
Thank you.
And your signet ring.
That isn't mine.
Oh, well, then we're square.
Blanche, you were right.
What do we have without trust? Because with trust anything is possible.
Anything.
Well, not to be overly cautious, but I do think I'll go put these in the safe.
Oh, I understand.
There's a safe? So, you're Blanche's thief.
Blanche, a remarkable woman.
I've known her just this evening, and she's already reformed me.
The result of her benevolence, I shall steal no more.
Boy, I don't envy you.
My friends in the work force say this is no easy time to be changing careers.
Those are lovely earrings you're wearing.
Thank you.
They're family heirlooms.
They're worth more than your lazy-ass husband will make in a lifetime.
Or at least that's how Mom used to describe them to me.
Rose, has anyone ever told you your eyes are as blue as the Mediterranean in summer? No.
I've been warned if I cross them, they'll stay that way.
Or that your lips are as luscious as red raspberries in fall? I love raspberries.
Or that your fragrance Oh, my God, your fragrance drives a man to the absolute limit of his self-control? (MOANS) (DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, Lord.
I act like a bad girl once in my life and I get caught.
We ran a make on that gentleman friend of yours.
Seems he's wanted for jewel theft in four states.
Afraid I'm gonna have to ask him to come along with me.
He's not a thief.
He's a-- He's a thoroughly changed man.
See for yourself.
He's gone.
Ma, I'm scared.
I don't think the curse is over yet.
Dorothy, you don't have to rationalize to me.
You want another glass of wine, take it.
Oh, I feel guiltier than ever.
Ma, I didn't tell a friend the truth.
Rose doesn't need to find out.
We can move on with our lives as if nothing happened.
Let it go, pussycat.
Dorothy, she's right.
I'm gonna marry Rose, you'll be the maid of honor.
Oh, that's right, that's right, the maid of honor.
The guilty, sin-ridden, back-stabbing maid of honor.
She's not letting go.
Look, I'm sorry, Ma, I don't like to keep secrets.
Oh, like when you kept the secret you were taking me to Shady Pines? Ma, I swear I didn't sleep more than seven hours that night.
I'm telling Rose.
Hey, Dorothy, if you tell Rose, she'll think I'm trying to hide it.
Well, you are.
Only because you were.
Hey, hey, now listen, if you're gonna tell her, I'm gonna tell her first.
What difference does it make who tells her first? Look, this isn't for our good, it's for her good.
Now, let's just go out there and tell her.
Look, Dorothy, if you let me tell her first, I'll forget about the $500.
That's a lie.
Bad girl.
I'm a bad girl.
Rose? She's a bad girl.
Look, Rose, we have to talk.
Please, sit down a second.
Oh, I don't deserve to sit.
Rose, what are you talking about? Oh, Dorothy, you can't see my dark side because you're good, and good can't see evil.
Oh, no, no.
I am the evil one.
I kissed Miles.
I know you kissed Miles.
I saw you.
No, before that.
It was earlier and longer.
Look, Rose.
Rose, it--it just happened.
I mean, evil took over my lips.
I--I feel so guilty.
We both do.
Well, that's the silliest thing I ever heard, feeling guilty for sharing a little kiss with a friend.
Well, see, she's right.
There's nothing wrong with kissing a friend.
Or a stranger.
Who knows why we acted like we did.
We? Let me finish.
Miles, maybe you did it because you're just a little nervous about us getting married.
Well, I am a little.
Well, that's because we're rushing into it for some free honeymoon.
Not because we're ready.
And, Dorothy, maybe subconsciously, you were trying to block my marriage because you like me living here.
Okay.
And, Sophia, maybe you wanted to tell me about Miles and Dorothy kissing because you're just a mean old woman like the paperboy said.
Okay.
Where's Where's Derek? Oh, I'm sorry, Blanche, the police came for him, and he ran away.
He's gone? Gone again? Are you all right, Blanche? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I guess I'm all right.
I mean, I threw my party because I wanted romance and excitement and moonlight madness, and that's what I got.
I got it all with an English accent, and I didn't have to compromise my virtue.
I feel like a lady again.
And to tell you the truth, I'm startin' to get sick of it.
What a night.
Doesn't it feel as though we just woke from a dream? You know, it really has been like Shakespeare, with magic and moonlight and the wrong people falling in love.
I mean, what does Puck say in the last speech from A Midsummer Night's Dream? "If we shadows have offended, "Think but this, and all is mended, "That you have but slumbered here "While these visions did appear.
"And this weak and idle theme, No more yielding but a dream" Well, pardon me while I play the grand piano.
Good evening, this is Tony Segreto from Station WTVJ, Miami, Florida.
We have just experienced the first full moon of the cycle, but be prepared.
The next full moon is on the rise.
All of Miami is abuzz as the lunar pull impacts behavior across the country.
Our switchboard hasn't stopped lighting up with calls from citizens sighting high tides, romantic trysts, werewolves, women proposing to men, and a grunion holocaust as sheer lunacy takes a strong hold over the city.
And later this evening, Pete Rose's reflections on the Winter Olympics and an original sonnet, but first, stay tuned for more lunar madness.