Home Improvement s07e22 Episode Script

- Does everybody know what time it is? - Tool Time! That's right.
Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Thank you.
Thank you, everybody.
Welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
And you all know my assistant, Hugh Hefty.
All week long we've been showing you things that make mers lives easier.
Yesterday it was wives with laryngitis.
But today it's our Tool Time salute To remote control.
The first television remote was connected to the TV with a wire.
- It was invented in 1950.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Al, my dad had a wireless remote control that was voice-activated in 1950.
- Tim, that's impossible.
- No, it's not.
It was called Mom.
Ladies, write to Tim Taylor, care of Tool Time, PO Box 327 A lot of popular toys these days are remote control, cars, boats, planes, even submarines, but here's my favorite one here.
- What would that be? - The company calls it a flying saucer.
It looks more like a blimp to me.
I can't believe you'd be interested in this.
It's quiet, simple, slow.
Just like you, Al.
I've installed a little spy camera on it.
Watch this.
Hey, what do you think this is, the teachers' lounge? Put out that butt.
Oh, the humanity! Can we get back to the show now? We wouldn't want to muddy up the show with entertainment.
OK, now we get to the ultimate in remote control.
- What would that be? - It's called virtual reality.
You become the remote control.
You become part of the action.
- What kind of action? - You name it.
Car racing, football How about basketball? How would you like to go one-on-one with Grant Hill? - That would be great! - Slip these on.
These are virtual-reality optical sensing devices.
The circuitry must be incredibly small.
They look like regular sunglasses.
Now, slip your hand into this.
This is a tactile sensory device.
Well, this looks just like the work glove that disappeared out of my locker.
When I turn on the machine, there might be a bright light, so watch out.
- Now, turn around.
- Oh, my gosh! It's Grant Hill! Man! It's like it's like he's right here.
I can almost touch him.
Come on, Round Man.
Show me what you got.
You really have to dribble it.
Yeah! All right.
I'll just give him my patented jump shot.
I guess flannel men can't jump.
Man! Well, I don't have to jump.
I can just blow by you.
You're a virtual reality.
I can just blow right by - Wow, that hurts.
- Well, it didn't really hurt, did it? It was just virtual pain.
Aah! Did I scare you, Wilson? Well, not you.
It's that flying baked potato.
Well, the manufacturer says it looks like an alien spaceship.
I think it looks like a big Jiffy Pop container.
I tend to agree.
A real spaceship would have some form of internal propulsion.
- Should look more like a saucer.
- An iridescent glow.
- A low hum.
- 26 diamond-shaped windows in a row.
The flying saucer out of Forbidden Planet or The Day The Earth Stood Still?.
- I wasrt talking about a movie.
- What were you talking about? - Well, nothing.
Oh, look at the rain.
- Wait a minute.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Were you talking about a a real UFO? - Maybe.
- Have you seen a real UFO? Maybe.
- Come on.
It's just us out here.
- Maybe.
You know, Tim, I've never told anybody this, but one night when I was living with my parents outside the Turkish city of Cappadocia I saw an alien craft land.
Did you see little green men come out of it? No, no, no, no, no, no.
These men were bluish-gray.
Assuming they were men.
I didn't see any sexually distinguishing features.
Well, you had just met.
Oh, I tell you, it was an amazing thing.
I'll never forget it.
Well, how'd the night go? Some cocktails and a quick probe? Oh, Tim! I never should've told you about this.
No, no, no, no.
I'm sorry, Wilson.
I understand completely what happened.
Have you been inside shellacking all day? If you don't get enough ventilation, it can really I do that, I think I'm Aquaman.
What are those? In case I don't get that soccer scholarship, I need to figure out a great place to go to college.
The University of Hawaii.
Cancún College.
Virgin Islands State? You going to college or on a cruise? All these schools have great academic programs.
Is that why you divided them into beach schools and ski schools? - Hi, guys.
- What's up, Mom? Are you looking at school catalogs? Yeah, I think it's about time I get serious about college.
It's nice to see you motivated about continuing your education.
Randy, you could use those same catalogs.
Or I could call my travel agent.
Still looking at these weird schools? Why don't you check into Iwo Jima Community College? - I had a weird discussion with Wilson.
- What's new with him? He claims he had an encounter with space aliens.
He saw these blue-green creatures when he stayed with his folks in a Turkish town, Cappuccino.
Were they covered in foam and sprinkled with cinnamon? He said he had an encounter with extraterrestrials.
Or he dipped into the festival wine a bit early.
Well, I wouldn't dismiss him so quickly, guys.
I mean, there has been lots of documentation about peoples' encounters with aliens.
You think there's a real possibility? There's some really respected institutions that have entire departments devoted to paranormal studies.
Ooh, yeah.
The department of ooo-eee-ooo.
With all the money spent on research, they don't have proof alien life exists.
They don't have proof it doesn't.
Well, I guess we know who are the sane members of this family.
Don't lump me in with you.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Timmy.
Harry called me, said my saw blade was in.
Where is Harry? - He's home with a nasty bug.
- What, a parasite? Close.
Dolores.
He's home with the flu.
A reciprocating saw? - Yeah, it was.
- I know where he put it.
Hand me a cup, will you? Do you guys think that alien life exists? I hope so.
That way I'd have a chance with another species.
Yeah.
I can see it now.
You're gently holding her eight-fingered hand.
While you stare into that one big eye.
And try to figure out which set of lips to kiss.
I know you're messing with me, but I'm still getting a little hot.
I'm talking about extraterrestrials.
Why would a guy need more than two? Here's your saw.
What's so funny? Wilson claims he saw an extraterrestrial.
Where? His family reunion? Extraterrestrial.
Like an alien, spaceships - Well, hi-ho, fellas.
- Hey.
- Hey, Wilson.
- Not a word.
You know, Al, I need some one-half-inch carriage bolts.
- They're right over here on aisle 21.
- Mm-hm.
Would those carriage bolts be for you or are you taking 'em to your leader? - My leader? - Yeah, you know Did you tell them? I thought this was just between the two of us.
It's just between the five of us.
It'll go no further than that.
- Did you tell Jill and the boys? - All right, the nine of us.
We're sorry, Wilson.
We didn't mean to alienate you.
Marty, come on! I didn't come to this hardware store to be ridiculed.
Try Larry's Hardware.
Today's their "going out of orbit" sale.
- Hey, guys! - Well, Tim, thanks a lot.
You have made me the laughingstock of the neighborhood.
I only told nine people, Wilson.
Honest.
- Here's your mail, Al.
- Thanks.
- Hey, Milton.
- Hey, guys.
Oh, Wilson, something for you, too.
A sweepstakes letter from Ed McMartian.
Come on out, Wilson, and talk to me.
Come on.
I know you're in there.
At least come out and wave at my little spy cam, Wilson.
You'll enjoy surfing, kayaking and volleyball on our beautiful white sugar sand beaches.
Wow, that looks great.
What is this, the Leisure Channel? No.
It's a recruiting video from the University of Maui.
I don't think you're going to a college that's nicer than where I spent my honeymoon.
Arert you supposed to be studying? While you're overlooking the Pacific, you could earn your PhD in marine biology, art history or psychology.
Hello! Well, now every time I try to talk to Wilson, he just shoots me down.
Wilsors not talking to you 'cause you really hurt his feelings.
I didn't mean to hurt his feelings.
It's just that alien stuff is so crazy.
You see? That's the attitude that he's reacting to.
Whenever you don't understand something, you just make fun of it.
I do that even when I understand things.
You're gonna have to learn to pull back.
When a thought enters your mind, it doesn't have to shoot out of your mouth.
If I could change things, I would.
Because all I've done now is alienate the one person whose opinion really matters to me.
- What about me? - What about you? If you want Wilson to know that you care about what's important to him, you're gonna have to make a gesture.
How about"Please!"? No.
It works for me, but You should do some research on the stuff that Wilsors been talking about.
You'll be well-informed and it'll show that you take him seriously.
I gotta have an intelligent conversation about stuff that doesn't exist.
- Right.
- Government cover-ups.
Secret bases in the desert that no one knows what goes on there.
And big crop circles.
What's that all about? And big balloon-headed things that look like they ate too many almonds.
Nighttime abductions, big bright lights, and ships that scream in and always get people with no teeth Wow.
Look at that girl.
Better hope Mom doesn't catch you looking at this magazine.
No, this is a college catalog I got today.
It's from Tahiti Tech.
Man, they let a student walk around campus like that? She's the dean.
- OK.
What do we do? - We're all booted up.
Access the server, double-click on the browser icon, and we're surfing the Net.
OK.
20 years ago no one would've understood that sentence, and today it's just me.
- I start typing in the subject here? - Yeah.
Try UFO.
Good idea.
Probably a few websites, huh? There's 103,000 websites.
I guess Wilsors not the only one seeing things.
There's a lot of nut cases out there.
See what they're saying in the chat room.
A UFO chat room.
I bet it's padded.
Unbelievable.
People all over the world have documented sightings like Wilsors.
Come on, Dad.
Don't tell me you're starting to take this stuff seriously.
It's not easy to ignore, you know? There's even government documents that show strange phenomena they just can't refute.
No, Dad.
Come on.
Crop circles, Roswell cover-up.
And, you know, Elvis is alive and running a laundromat in Cleveland.
Uh-uh.
It's a doughnut shop in Dayton.
You know, I'm surprised at you.
I mean, how can a sane, rational Oh, never mind.
I'm telling you, there's strange things out there we can't explain.
- Like what was that? - It's Mark going to the bathroom.
- He goes the same time every night.
- OK, OK.
That explains the noise.
But can you explain why a bladder that young is on such a rigid schedule? I saw an alien craft craft craft There's no proof aliens exist exist exist Entire departments devoted to paranormal studies studies The aliens were bluish-gray gray gray Anyone for cappuccino cappuccino cappuccino? - I found the file, Jilly.
- What have you come up with, Taylor? According to my underground sources, this is the triangulated center of all alien activity in the western hemisphere.
Easily explained by swamp gas, weather balloons, mass delusional hysteria.
Why do you respond with scientific mumbo-jumbo? Everything you say is pie-in-the-sky, paranormal saucer-head idiocy.
The truth is out there.
No.
You're the one that's out there.
Oh! Hold up, Jilly.
I can't explain it, but I sense the presence of an alien.
Taylor, have you noticed these aliens seem to eschew well-lit, ventilated housing? They what? Eschew.
Eschew.
Gesundheit.
- Right there.
Right there.
Right there.
- What is it? The alien we've been looking for all our lives.
How can we be sure it's not human? It's too small.
Notice the delicate, hairless features.
Oh, my God! Put a shirt on! Hi, and welcome back to Tool Time.
Professional roofer Tony Bruschetta is talking about harnessing and safety.
Tony's gonna show us two different systems which allow you to anchor yourself to the roof.
There's actually a third system which allows Al's mom to anchor herself to a frost-free Frigidaire.
Tony's family's been in the business for 65 years.
You must've logged a lot of hours on the roof.
Does it ever get lonely at the top? Well, you know, I can't complain.
I've got a roof over my head.
- Uh-huh.
- No, wait, it's under my feet! It's a 30-minute show, fellas.
I'll do the jokes.
Actually, you ever noticed anything odd in the sky? Unusual sights? Tim, not with the aliens again.
UFOs, spaceships, that kind of stuff.
The audience wants to talk about roofs, not about people from outer space.
You're awfully defensive about this.
- There are no aliens.
- How do you know? Hey, maybe he's hiding something.
Maybe he's hiding the fact that he's an alien.
I am not now nor have I ever been an alien! Oh, yeah? What do the first two letters of "alien" spell, Al? Ooh And your mother's quite large.
Perhaps she's the mothership.
What you got, Wilson? Some rare Amazonian plant you crossbred with, like, a North African variety? They're petunias.
Good day, Tim.
I was wondering if maybe that spaceship you saw is the same kind that the army found in Roswell.
What do you know of Roswell? I know that a lot of people think a flying saucer crash-landed there.
I also know about Sheffield, England.
In 1962 there was a spectacular sighting there.
- And in Mexico City, 198 - '83.
Yeah.
With the difficult time you gave me, I'm surprised you're taking such an interest in unexplained phenomena.
I figured if a real intelligent guy like you was interested in the stuff, maybe I should learn more about it, so I went on the Internet and I found out a lot of people have had experiences just like yours, and not just people with a shellac dependency.
Well, that's true.
I shouldn't have made fun of your beliefs.
I appreciate you saying that.
Maybe you could relay that to the guys at the hardware store.
Oh, I'll do that.
I'll tell all the guys down there and the mailman and the guy at the gas company.
So, with all your newfound knowledge, are you a believer? I wouldn't say that.
I'm just open to more possibilities now.
And I'm having some really strange dreams.
About government conspiracies, FBI agents in trench coats, that you are out there? You know about my dream? Are we having some sort of mind-melding kumbayatic experience? No.
Jill told me.
I didn't tell her.
You said you think Jordars an alien? How else could he jump that high? - Shaquille? - You call that an earth name? All right.
Dennis Rodman? I'll give you that one.
Look, Tim, these guys don't know I'm onto them, so I'd appreciate it if you don't say anything.
All right.
All right.
All right.
How do I know you're not an alien? I never said I wasrt.
But you're working, so you must have a green card.
More bluish-gray.