Roseanne s07e22 Episode Script
Happy Trailers
[harmonica.]
Hi.
Hey! What'd the doctor say? How's the baby? Well, she's doing great, and, uh--pretty weird She's bigger than normal.
Go figure.
Ha! And they say it's bad to live under power lines.
[snaps fingers.]
Yeah, first I felt weird for gaining 30 pounds.
But now I figure most of that weight's the fetus.
Hello? Hello, Connor baby! Oh, man! [giggles.]
That's four inches of fightin' fury.
Boy, this one really can kick.
Yeah, yesterday, I got slapped in the head with my own boob.
And we're gonna spoil you rotten, little girl.
Oh, yes, we are! $1,500 in the bank! We can afford to buy you food and water and maybe a shiny new table saw.
That's great, Dan, except that we owe the doctor $2,000.
What? We have to pre-pay the cost of having the baby.
We didn't have to do that with the first batch.
[sighs.]
Well, back then we were broke and the county took care of it.
That's why those kids were free.
And apparently, you do get what you pay for.
Hey, we brought in all the groceries, but where does everything go? Well, the frozen stuff goes inthe freezer! And the canned stuff goes on the shelf.
And that about covers it.
Boy, it's gonna be tight.
I wishwe would have invested better.
Why, oh, why did we stop buying lottery tickets? Mom, Dad, we have got some amazing news.
Mark and I were just looking for apartments, and we found, like, the cutest place to live.
It was available right away, so we just took it.
That's great.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Of course we'll miss having you around and all.
Gee, Dan, I've never seen you this deliriously unhappy.
Where's the apartment at? Well, that's the best part.
It's not an apartment.
It's a chance for us to buy something that's really ours.
You're buying a house? How can you afford that? Because it's not a house.
It is a trailer! It is, like, the cutest little trailer you have ever seen.
Isn't this incredible? Yeah.
Well that's, like, the best news I've heard since you married Mark.
** [theme.]
[laughs.]
Aunt Jackie? Hmm? Didn't you wanna keep this? No.
No.
Family things need to be passed down.
Now that's the chair I was telling you about.
That's one of my favorites, but I want you to have that.
Well, why haven't I, like, seen it before? Um Oh, itworks in so many different rooms that lately we've just been keeping it in the garage.
[laughs.]
Don't sit on that! No No, that's more just for looks.
Well, that's certainly generous of you, Jackie.
Maybe tomorrow you can bring by your beanless bean-bag chair.
I'll just run that inside for ya.
Hey, Beck, did you see the bathroom door? It slides into the wall! Shhhh! Just like Star Trek.
No way! Aren't you gonna come see it, Mom? No, I hate the future.
Man, oh, man.
I'm beat.
[groans.]
Hasn't this just been a great day? You sure are chipper? Yeah, well, you know, that's my way.
Your oldest daughter's leaving home.
I just figured you'd be sad.
Very, very, very, very very sad.
It's not like she's leaving town.
It's like she's gone camping for the rest of her life.
My turn.
Ah.
[chuckles.]
Remember our first place? Yeah, that was a dump.
When are we movin' out of there? My sister is moving into a trailer park.
[laughs.]
I can't tell you where I was the day Kennedy was shot, but I will always remember this moment.
I don't think it's so bad, Darlene.
I mean it's like they're living in a house It's just got wheels.
It's like living in your car only better, 'cause it's, you know, bigger.
So it's kinda like living in a bus.
Plus you got the bathroom.
So it's kinda like areallynice bus.
Yeah, well, pull the cord.
I'm getting off.
Hey, don't make fun of your sister living in a trailer.
If it's good enough for carnival folk, it's good enough for the Connors.
Hey! I certainly hope you're gonna clean this mess up when you're done.
You were afraid there would be no stills nearby.
So, are you the new owners of this dump? Do we look like we're made out of money? We rent.
Where you from? We're from Europe.
Unless you got a problem with that.
We're the Connors.
Hey.
Connors? Did you ever do time at Joliet? No, but I've got a question for you.
Do you ever brush your teeth? Hey, that's personal information, missy.
We mind our own beeswax around here.
Well, in that case, I'm not gonna ask if that's your kid sucking on the Windex bottle over there.
Eddie? For God's sake, put that thing down! And you, you stay away fro my husband! [laughs.]
Girls let's be neighborly.
Unless, of course, you wanna swap.
Hey, baby.
Big hunk o-man.
Listen, missy! We don't know you and we don't want to know you, and here's why! We're better than you! [scoffs.]
And we almost never get a chance to say that.
Fine with me, sister! Here! It's some coupons and a map to get around the park.
I'm the welcome wagon.
Welcome, welcome.
Don't you ever feed my dog.
If I get drunk enough, I'll fight your dog! Man, is she a snob.
Come on, Darlene.
It won't kill us to help clean the place.
Unless the wind picks up.
Oh.
Uh, everybody's back in the bedroom.
So you might wanna hang out in the living room.
'Cause we don't want the thing to tilt.
Found the perfect spot.
I don't know about this, Roseanne.
I'm a little worried.
It'll be fine, Dan.
I told you it was a speed bump you hit, not a cat.
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe Darlene's right.
Becky doesn't belong in a trailer park.
Well, we'll have them fix it up, you know? Maybe we can get them a van to use as a guest room.
Becky! Mark! They'll be fine.
Yeah? Um, your Dad and I would like to offer to help you fix this place up a little.
I'll make curtains, and your Dad can help you with the plumbing.
And we'll get you a little fence-- Security system.
Or at least one of those little signs.
Aw, you guys, that's really sweet.
But Mark and I don't want any help.
It's really important for us to do this on our own.
But there's so much to do.
Yeah but eventually, over the years, it'll all get done.
Well, you gotta let us give you something.
What about a big-headed banjo-playing boy for the front porch? I said no.
We want to do this ourselves.
Think they're gonna be all right? It could be worse.
They could be parked on a hill.
Hey, Bob? I need you to put this carburetor back in the garbage truck after lunch.
And be careful.
It took me all morning to get it adjusted right.
Jeez, Dan, I got a big lunch here.
I was kinda hoping to let it settle for a while.
Fred, you mind helping him out? No problem.
Listen, you guys, I need to talk to you about something.
Becky and Mark's trailer Well, it's kind of a mess, right? And I want to be able to help them out, but they won't let me.
They probably just want to be alone.
You know the old saying: "When the trailer's rockin'" Bob we're talking about my daughter here.
I know.
I'm just saying that if it's rockin' you probably wanna level it.
What are you getting at, Dan? Well, I know I'm asking a lot, but here it goes.
I wanna give Mark all the overtimefor a while.
Don't worry about it, Dan.
I understand.
It's gotta be tough for these kids starting out in life.
If there's anything we can do to make their load a little lighter, it's gonna be our pleasure.
[sniffles and sighs.]
Give me a minute.
Thanks, guys.
Hey, Mark? When you get done with that, can I see you for a second? Oh! Wait a minute.
There's no work for Mark to do around here right now.
What are you talking about? What about the hydraulics on the garbage truck? I took care of it this morning.
What about the school buses? We need them by Friday.
It's all done, Dan.
Damn! What the matter with you guys? We work for the city! Don't blame me, Dan.
I didn't do squat.
Yeah, but my daughter's livin' in a big mailbox! There's gotta be somethin' around here that needs fixin'.
Oh.
You know, I bet the bottom of this here table could use a little paint.
Woopsie.
Forget about paintin' this table, Dan.
What about this carburetor? I think I'll explain this to Bob outside.
Hey.
What's up, Dan? Mark.
Good news.
Got a little overtime for you.
Look, I can't do any all week.
I got a lot of stuff to do at the new place.
Exactly! And that time-and-a-half couldn't come at a better time, could it? I'm sorry, Dan.
Why don't you offer it to one of the other guys? The other guys can't do it, Mark.
Why not? Uhgarage quartet's got a gig at the County Fair.
Look, Dan, it's not like I don't want the money.
I really can't do any this week.
Okay? Dan.
Weirdest thing.
I just noticed the tail lights are all busted on that cop car out there.
What's wrong with your foot, man? M-My foot? Yeah.
New shoes.
Brad.
Apparently, this week, it's not the right week to paint the table.
Okay? Oh? You, uh you might want to talk to Bob.
Bob? Where's Bob? You're not gonna believe this, Dan.
[chuckles.]
Some clown must've poured sugar in the gas tank of that school bus.
Bob you--you can't fix somethin' like that.
Right.
Here we are.
[sighs.]
Candles.
Wow.
Are these the regular kind or the fancy kind that keeps the bugs away? This is a special night.
It's the first time we're the hosts and you're the guests.
Look, Dan.
It's the china we gave 'em for their wedding present.
No, Mommy.
I'm sure the ones we give 'em didn't have these little compartments.
Fancy.
Okay.
Eat 'em quick.
In 15 minutes, the bats start comin' around.
This is great.
Yeah, it is.
Good food great setting.
Makes me wish our kitchen didn't have some stupid house around it.
Now, before we start Mark and I just want to say thank you.
You guys were so great to put us up for so long.
Oh, Becky, those three years just flew by.
We were only there for one.
Whatever.
Anyway, so far, setting up house has been a really great experience.
Well, good.
In that case, I should do my motherly duty and tell you how you can cut down on your food budget.
Okay, say you get this recipe, you know, and it calls for lobster shrimp, and that expensive cookin' sherry? What you do is you just tear up that recipe.
Thanks, Mom.
We've already figured out a couple of our own budget tricks.
Like, these burgers? Cost 2.
79 for a pound of ground beef, but only $1.
19 for a pound of ground meat.
[with mouth full.]
You guys got any water? Oh, shoot.
I forgot to fill up the pitcher.
I'll just run down to the community spigot.
Your trailer doesn't have running water? Nah, the pipe was broken.
I'll have enough saved up in a few weeks to buy a new one.
No big deal.
Whoa, Becky.
Don't forget the purification tablets.
Oh, yeah.
Uh Where'd you get this salt shaker? Oh, it was in the trailer when we moved in.
The people before us left it.
Man, that's amazing.
This is not just-- a regular salt shaker.
This is-- a Niagara Falls salt shaker.
So? I mean, antique stores pay an arm and a leg for this kind of thing.
I should just take it now, and go ahead and give ya Wow! Okay! And uh, you know, I was noticing your dad was checkin' out that antique hubcap over there.
Huh? Oh! Yeah! Uh-- That hubcap.
That baby there, that's, uh-- that's from a 1954, uh [both.]
Fladler.
Uh It's a classic.
Yeah.
Let me see.
Uh Give you, uh Ah, well, you know, that's the 1954 price.
You gotta give 'em what it's worth today.
$60? $70? Hey, Becky.
[clears throat.]
Why don't you run and get that water? Okay! Uh, are you sure it's gonna be okay? I mean, by herself? With the dogs and everything? Yeah, sure.
As long as you bring that big stick, with the long nail in it.
[dogs barking.]
Hey, look.
We told you guys.
We don't want you to give us any money, remember? Yeah.
All right.
Well, then can't you at least be a little less obvious about it? Excuse me? Come on, Dan.
Helpin' us out with that overtime thing at the garage, that was good.
But this antique hubcap thing, that's ridiculous.
Yeah, well-- And besides, we don't need any.
Mrs.
Conner just made us $50 on that salt shaker.
Oh, you figured out what we were doin' down at the garage, huh? Come on, Dan.
What do you think I am, stupid? Remember, Dan.
We're guests here.
Look.
Don't tell Becky that I told you guys this, but-- she feels like, for the past couple years, well, you guys, you've given us a lot.
Well, hey.
We're family, you know.
It's not like we're keeping some running tab of how much you owe us, in our top dresser drawer.
And you know, with your baby comin' and everything, she feels like she doesn't want to be a drain on you any more.
Well, why don't you just tell us that? Well, uh-- See, uh-- [stammers.]
Becky told me that-- well, you guys, you-- you know, you love her so much that you'd insist on helping, even if-- like, you couldn't afford to.
Becky said that? Yeah.
Got the water! Oh, Becky, that's so sweet.
Can't believe how much stuff we're hauling outta here.
Remember that hamster you lost when you were 8? I think I found him.
Ooh.
I always blamed that smell on Becky.
Well, he won't be runnin' that wheel any time soon.
Isn't it weird to see this place all cleaned out? Like, the only thing left of you girls is that, uh, Wrigley Field sign up there.
You get that down for me? Ha.
Seems like the sign's been up there forever.
Hm.
Yeah, well, that gum really holds.
Man, everything in this house sure is changing.
Kinda sad.
Well, not everything's changing.
I mean, we still got your dad, and the furniture, and-- D.
J.
's haircut.
Are you okay with this? I mean, another one of your kids movin' out? Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm okay.
Yeah.
I mean, I always knew you guys were gonna move out.
I just-- was hoping you wouldn't tell me where you were going.
Can I ask you somethin', Darlene? What? [sighs.]
Do you ever feel like your Dad and me didn't give you enough? What are you talking about? You didn't give us anything.
No, I'm serious.
You ever resent, like, not havin' a lot of stuff when you were younger? No.
I used to steal a lot.
Oh, come on, Mom.
You guys were great parents.
Yeah, well, we did have that one book and all.
I know you did the best you could.
I mean-- kids are expensive.
Your food budget alone must have gone up by a tenth after you had us.
Har [laughs.]
[both laugh.]
I'm just worried maybe we didn't give you a good enough head start.
You know? I always wanted to-- have our kids do better than we did.
And that should have been a realistic goal.
Becky just-- is takin' such a hard road.
Eh, she's gonna be fine.
I mean, she's strong, like you are.
And that'll get her through whatever she has to go through.
You think? Yeah! Definitely.
So what if Becky's livin' in a trailer? It's not like she's used to livin' in luxury.
You did that much for her! [laughing.]
Yeah, it was a crazy plan when we came up with it, but it really worked.
[laughs.]
You know, Darlene, me and your Dad don't say this to you very often, 'cause, well, it never comes up.
But-- we're really proud of you.
Even though I'm secretly a high-priced call girl? Because you're a high-priced one.
[laughs.]
What the hell.
Put that back up.
** [harmonica.]
Watch it, buddy! [stammering.]
I'm-- I'm sorry, Mr.
Fishman.
[imitates gunshot.]
Fired! You sent for me, Mr.
Fishman? Hey, baby.
Come sit down next to Uncle Mike.
You know, I had a really good time working on the show this week.
You're sweet, kid.
You know later this season, the Conners are gonna get a French maid.
Really? Yeah.
Of course, I have to see you in the uniform first.
[Roseanne, yelling.]
Hey, Fishman! I'm not tellin' you again! Keep your paws off the guest stars! There's a whole lot of man walkin' out that door right now.
Stay away.
He'll break your heart.
Trust me.
I been there.
Hi.
Hey! What'd the doctor say? How's the baby? Well, she's doing great, and, uh--pretty weird She's bigger than normal.
Go figure.
Ha! And they say it's bad to live under power lines.
[snaps fingers.]
Yeah, first I felt weird for gaining 30 pounds.
But now I figure most of that weight's the fetus.
Hello? Hello, Connor baby! Oh, man! [giggles.]
That's four inches of fightin' fury.
Boy, this one really can kick.
Yeah, yesterday, I got slapped in the head with my own boob.
And we're gonna spoil you rotten, little girl.
Oh, yes, we are! $1,500 in the bank! We can afford to buy you food and water and maybe a shiny new table saw.
That's great, Dan, except that we owe the doctor $2,000.
What? We have to pre-pay the cost of having the baby.
We didn't have to do that with the first batch.
[sighs.]
Well, back then we were broke and the county took care of it.
That's why those kids were free.
And apparently, you do get what you pay for.
Hey, we brought in all the groceries, but where does everything go? Well, the frozen stuff goes inthe freezer! And the canned stuff goes on the shelf.
And that about covers it.
Boy, it's gonna be tight.
I wishwe would have invested better.
Why, oh, why did we stop buying lottery tickets? Mom, Dad, we have got some amazing news.
Mark and I were just looking for apartments, and we found, like, the cutest place to live.
It was available right away, so we just took it.
That's great.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Of course we'll miss having you around and all.
Gee, Dan, I've never seen you this deliriously unhappy.
Where's the apartment at? Well, that's the best part.
It's not an apartment.
It's a chance for us to buy something that's really ours.
You're buying a house? How can you afford that? Because it's not a house.
It is a trailer! It is, like, the cutest little trailer you have ever seen.
Isn't this incredible? Yeah.
Well that's, like, the best news I've heard since you married Mark.
** [theme.]
[laughs.]
Aunt Jackie? Hmm? Didn't you wanna keep this? No.
No.
Family things need to be passed down.
Now that's the chair I was telling you about.
That's one of my favorites, but I want you to have that.
Well, why haven't I, like, seen it before? Um Oh, itworks in so many different rooms that lately we've just been keeping it in the garage.
[laughs.]
Don't sit on that! No No, that's more just for looks.
Well, that's certainly generous of you, Jackie.
Maybe tomorrow you can bring by your beanless bean-bag chair.
I'll just run that inside for ya.
Hey, Beck, did you see the bathroom door? It slides into the wall! Shhhh! Just like Star Trek.
No way! Aren't you gonna come see it, Mom? No, I hate the future.
Man, oh, man.
I'm beat.
[groans.]
Hasn't this just been a great day? You sure are chipper? Yeah, well, you know, that's my way.
Your oldest daughter's leaving home.
I just figured you'd be sad.
Very, very, very, very very sad.
It's not like she's leaving town.
It's like she's gone camping for the rest of her life.
My turn.
Ah.
[chuckles.]
Remember our first place? Yeah, that was a dump.
When are we movin' out of there? My sister is moving into a trailer park.
[laughs.]
I can't tell you where I was the day Kennedy was shot, but I will always remember this moment.
I don't think it's so bad, Darlene.
I mean it's like they're living in a house It's just got wheels.
It's like living in your car only better, 'cause it's, you know, bigger.
So it's kinda like living in a bus.
Plus you got the bathroom.
So it's kinda like areallynice bus.
Yeah, well, pull the cord.
I'm getting off.
Hey, don't make fun of your sister living in a trailer.
If it's good enough for carnival folk, it's good enough for the Connors.
Hey! I certainly hope you're gonna clean this mess up when you're done.
You were afraid there would be no stills nearby.
So, are you the new owners of this dump? Do we look like we're made out of money? We rent.
Where you from? We're from Europe.
Unless you got a problem with that.
We're the Connors.
Hey.
Connors? Did you ever do time at Joliet? No, but I've got a question for you.
Do you ever brush your teeth? Hey, that's personal information, missy.
We mind our own beeswax around here.
Well, in that case, I'm not gonna ask if that's your kid sucking on the Windex bottle over there.
Eddie? For God's sake, put that thing down! And you, you stay away fro my husband! [laughs.]
Girls let's be neighborly.
Unless, of course, you wanna swap.
Hey, baby.
Big hunk o-man.
Listen, missy! We don't know you and we don't want to know you, and here's why! We're better than you! [scoffs.]
And we almost never get a chance to say that.
Fine with me, sister! Here! It's some coupons and a map to get around the park.
I'm the welcome wagon.
Welcome, welcome.
Don't you ever feed my dog.
If I get drunk enough, I'll fight your dog! Man, is she a snob.
Come on, Darlene.
It won't kill us to help clean the place.
Unless the wind picks up.
Oh.
Uh, everybody's back in the bedroom.
So you might wanna hang out in the living room.
'Cause we don't want the thing to tilt.
Found the perfect spot.
I don't know about this, Roseanne.
I'm a little worried.
It'll be fine, Dan.
I told you it was a speed bump you hit, not a cat.
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe Darlene's right.
Becky doesn't belong in a trailer park.
Well, we'll have them fix it up, you know? Maybe we can get them a van to use as a guest room.
Becky! Mark! They'll be fine.
Yeah? Um, your Dad and I would like to offer to help you fix this place up a little.
I'll make curtains, and your Dad can help you with the plumbing.
And we'll get you a little fence-- Security system.
Or at least one of those little signs.
Aw, you guys, that's really sweet.
But Mark and I don't want any help.
It's really important for us to do this on our own.
But there's so much to do.
Yeah but eventually, over the years, it'll all get done.
Well, you gotta let us give you something.
What about a big-headed banjo-playing boy for the front porch? I said no.
We want to do this ourselves.
Think they're gonna be all right? It could be worse.
They could be parked on a hill.
Hey, Bob? I need you to put this carburetor back in the garbage truck after lunch.
And be careful.
It took me all morning to get it adjusted right.
Jeez, Dan, I got a big lunch here.
I was kinda hoping to let it settle for a while.
Fred, you mind helping him out? No problem.
Listen, you guys, I need to talk to you about something.
Becky and Mark's trailer Well, it's kind of a mess, right? And I want to be able to help them out, but they won't let me.
They probably just want to be alone.
You know the old saying: "When the trailer's rockin'" Bob we're talking about my daughter here.
I know.
I'm just saying that if it's rockin' you probably wanna level it.
What are you getting at, Dan? Well, I know I'm asking a lot, but here it goes.
I wanna give Mark all the overtimefor a while.
Don't worry about it, Dan.
I understand.
It's gotta be tough for these kids starting out in life.
If there's anything we can do to make their load a little lighter, it's gonna be our pleasure.
[sniffles and sighs.]
Give me a minute.
Thanks, guys.
Hey, Mark? When you get done with that, can I see you for a second? Oh! Wait a minute.
There's no work for Mark to do around here right now.
What are you talking about? What about the hydraulics on the garbage truck? I took care of it this morning.
What about the school buses? We need them by Friday.
It's all done, Dan.
Damn! What the matter with you guys? We work for the city! Don't blame me, Dan.
I didn't do squat.
Yeah, but my daughter's livin' in a big mailbox! There's gotta be somethin' around here that needs fixin'.
Oh.
You know, I bet the bottom of this here table could use a little paint.
Woopsie.
Forget about paintin' this table, Dan.
What about this carburetor? I think I'll explain this to Bob outside.
Hey.
What's up, Dan? Mark.
Good news.
Got a little overtime for you.
Look, I can't do any all week.
I got a lot of stuff to do at the new place.
Exactly! And that time-and-a-half couldn't come at a better time, could it? I'm sorry, Dan.
Why don't you offer it to one of the other guys? The other guys can't do it, Mark.
Why not? Uhgarage quartet's got a gig at the County Fair.
Look, Dan, it's not like I don't want the money.
I really can't do any this week.
Okay? Dan.
Weirdest thing.
I just noticed the tail lights are all busted on that cop car out there.
What's wrong with your foot, man? M-My foot? Yeah.
New shoes.
Brad.
Apparently, this week, it's not the right week to paint the table.
Okay? Oh? You, uh you might want to talk to Bob.
Bob? Where's Bob? You're not gonna believe this, Dan.
[chuckles.]
Some clown must've poured sugar in the gas tank of that school bus.
Bob you--you can't fix somethin' like that.
Right.
Here we are.
[sighs.]
Candles.
Wow.
Are these the regular kind or the fancy kind that keeps the bugs away? This is a special night.
It's the first time we're the hosts and you're the guests.
Look, Dan.
It's the china we gave 'em for their wedding present.
No, Mommy.
I'm sure the ones we give 'em didn't have these little compartments.
Fancy.
Okay.
Eat 'em quick.
In 15 minutes, the bats start comin' around.
This is great.
Yeah, it is.
Good food great setting.
Makes me wish our kitchen didn't have some stupid house around it.
Now, before we start Mark and I just want to say thank you.
You guys were so great to put us up for so long.
Oh, Becky, those three years just flew by.
We were only there for one.
Whatever.
Anyway, so far, setting up house has been a really great experience.
Well, good.
In that case, I should do my motherly duty and tell you how you can cut down on your food budget.
Okay, say you get this recipe, you know, and it calls for lobster shrimp, and that expensive cookin' sherry? What you do is you just tear up that recipe.
Thanks, Mom.
We've already figured out a couple of our own budget tricks.
Like, these burgers? Cost 2.
79 for a pound of ground beef, but only $1.
19 for a pound of ground meat.
[with mouth full.]
You guys got any water? Oh, shoot.
I forgot to fill up the pitcher.
I'll just run down to the community spigot.
Your trailer doesn't have running water? Nah, the pipe was broken.
I'll have enough saved up in a few weeks to buy a new one.
No big deal.
Whoa, Becky.
Don't forget the purification tablets.
Oh, yeah.
Uh Where'd you get this salt shaker? Oh, it was in the trailer when we moved in.
The people before us left it.
Man, that's amazing.
This is not just-- a regular salt shaker.
This is-- a Niagara Falls salt shaker.
So? I mean, antique stores pay an arm and a leg for this kind of thing.
I should just take it now, and go ahead and give ya Wow! Okay! And uh, you know, I was noticing your dad was checkin' out that antique hubcap over there.
Huh? Oh! Yeah! Uh-- That hubcap.
That baby there, that's, uh-- that's from a 1954, uh [both.]
Fladler.
Uh It's a classic.
Yeah.
Let me see.
Uh Give you, uh Ah, well, you know, that's the 1954 price.
You gotta give 'em what it's worth today.
$60? $70? Hey, Becky.
[clears throat.]
Why don't you run and get that water? Okay! Uh, are you sure it's gonna be okay? I mean, by herself? With the dogs and everything? Yeah, sure.
As long as you bring that big stick, with the long nail in it.
[dogs barking.]
Hey, look.
We told you guys.
We don't want you to give us any money, remember? Yeah.
All right.
Well, then can't you at least be a little less obvious about it? Excuse me? Come on, Dan.
Helpin' us out with that overtime thing at the garage, that was good.
But this antique hubcap thing, that's ridiculous.
Yeah, well-- And besides, we don't need any.
Mrs.
Conner just made us $50 on that salt shaker.
Oh, you figured out what we were doin' down at the garage, huh? Come on, Dan.
What do you think I am, stupid? Remember, Dan.
We're guests here.
Look.
Don't tell Becky that I told you guys this, but-- she feels like, for the past couple years, well, you guys, you've given us a lot.
Well, hey.
We're family, you know.
It's not like we're keeping some running tab of how much you owe us, in our top dresser drawer.
And you know, with your baby comin' and everything, she feels like she doesn't want to be a drain on you any more.
Well, why don't you just tell us that? Well, uh-- See, uh-- [stammers.]
Becky told me that-- well, you guys, you-- you know, you love her so much that you'd insist on helping, even if-- like, you couldn't afford to.
Becky said that? Yeah.
Got the water! Oh, Becky, that's so sweet.
Can't believe how much stuff we're hauling outta here.
Remember that hamster you lost when you were 8? I think I found him.
Ooh.
I always blamed that smell on Becky.
Well, he won't be runnin' that wheel any time soon.
Isn't it weird to see this place all cleaned out? Like, the only thing left of you girls is that, uh, Wrigley Field sign up there.
You get that down for me? Ha.
Seems like the sign's been up there forever.
Hm.
Yeah, well, that gum really holds.
Man, everything in this house sure is changing.
Kinda sad.
Well, not everything's changing.
I mean, we still got your dad, and the furniture, and-- D.
J.
's haircut.
Are you okay with this? I mean, another one of your kids movin' out? Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm okay.
Yeah.
I mean, I always knew you guys were gonna move out.
I just-- was hoping you wouldn't tell me where you were going.
Can I ask you somethin', Darlene? What? [sighs.]
Do you ever feel like your Dad and me didn't give you enough? What are you talking about? You didn't give us anything.
No, I'm serious.
You ever resent, like, not havin' a lot of stuff when you were younger? No.
I used to steal a lot.
Oh, come on, Mom.
You guys were great parents.
Yeah, well, we did have that one book and all.
I know you did the best you could.
I mean-- kids are expensive.
Your food budget alone must have gone up by a tenth after you had us.
Har [laughs.]
[both laugh.]
I'm just worried maybe we didn't give you a good enough head start.
You know? I always wanted to-- have our kids do better than we did.
And that should have been a realistic goal.
Becky just-- is takin' such a hard road.
Eh, she's gonna be fine.
I mean, she's strong, like you are.
And that'll get her through whatever she has to go through.
You think? Yeah! Definitely.
So what if Becky's livin' in a trailer? It's not like she's used to livin' in luxury.
You did that much for her! [laughing.]
Yeah, it was a crazy plan when we came up with it, but it really worked.
[laughs.]
You know, Darlene, me and your Dad don't say this to you very often, 'cause, well, it never comes up.
But-- we're really proud of you.
Even though I'm secretly a high-priced call girl? Because you're a high-priced one.
[laughs.]
What the hell.
Put that back up.
** [harmonica.]
Watch it, buddy! [stammering.]
I'm-- I'm sorry, Mr.
Fishman.
[imitates gunshot.]
Fired! You sent for me, Mr.
Fishman? Hey, baby.
Come sit down next to Uncle Mike.
You know, I had a really good time working on the show this week.
You're sweet, kid.
You know later this season, the Conners are gonna get a French maid.
Really? Yeah.
Of course, I have to see you in the uniform first.
[Roseanne, yelling.]
Hey, Fishman! I'm not tellin' you again! Keep your paws off the guest stars! There's a whole lot of man walkin' out that door right now.
Stay away.
He'll break your heart.
Trust me.
I been there.