Roseanne s07e23 Episode Script

All rightie.
My husband and I will see you then.
You ever done something like this? You and Dan ever been to a couples therapist? No, but we did get in a fight at a hockey game one time.
The guy had to separate us.
I really think this is the best way to fix my marriage.
Well, I really wouldn't know, because in this family we fix our own problems.
We use no psychiatrists, no therapists, no educated people of any kind.
How's D.
J.
doing up there? For a boy going to his first school dance, pretty good.
I'm letting him use that fancy hair goo that I save for special occasions.
That's called shampoo, Dan.
Oh, D.
J.
's first date.
I can't believe it.
I remember my first date.
I was a freshman in high school.
Marshall Gordon.
That wasn't his first name.
That was his job.
He got kicked off the force 'cause of you.
Well, well, well, lookie here! That suit looks great! The organ grinder was right.
How you feel, son? I'm kinda scared.
Talk to him, Dan.
There's an extra pork chop in it for you.
I don't know what to tell him.
Well, just tell him the same thing your dad told you on your first date.
Hmm.
Son, if you think of it, bring back a pack of Camels.
[knock on door.]
Well, it's pretty much what I expected.
Hi.
I'm D.
J.
's mom.
I'm Lisa.
Nice to meet you.
Hey, doofus.
Hey.
We have lots of little funny nicknames for each other.
What do you call her? Uh Lisa.
Oh.
Here.
It's a flower.
Look at my dress.
Are there any colors that come close to going with a blue flower? Sorry.
Sorry doesn't cut it.
You get your money back for it, and give that to me.
All right, well, let me take a picture of you two in case D.
J.
don't make it back.
Wait.
I'm your date, D.
J.
I'm not just some kid you're hanging out with.
Put your arm around me.
Okay.
Go ahead, Mrs.
Conner.
Okay, smile real big, D.
J.
I want to see them teeth.
After all, this is the first picture I've taken of you since they came in.
Okay.
Now, who's driving us? David is.
You David? No, ma'am.
I mean no.
David! Well, Lisa, while we're waiting for David to come in, sit down, tell us a little about yourself.
Well, I'm in all the honor classes, and I'm President of the Student Council.
I also play the clarinet, and I was just elected to be in the all-county band.
Well, that is very impressive.
Uh, D.
J.
can make a spoon stick to his forehead.
Hey, you guys ready? Nice meeting everybody.
Man, who gets drunk and cuts this family's hair? Don't just stand there.
Open the door for me like a gentleman.
Can you sit up in the front seat with me? Dad, I'm still kind of scared.
[Lisa.]
Train's pulling out, doofus! Coming.
What was that? I don't know.
But the Dark Prince takes many forms.
I like her.
** [theme.]
What are you doing? Eating my asparagus.
No, you're not.
You're just biting their heads off.
Well, I don't like the bottom part.
I don't remember asking.
[chuckling.]
D.
J.
, you eat whatever you want.
Hey, stay out of it, Dan.
I agree with her.
Why do you have a plate of half-eaten asparagus? 'Cause we don't have a dog? Vegetables are very important, Dan.
If they weren't, we wouldn't be havin' 'em once a week.
Yes'm.
Hey.
This is cool.
I never played doubles before.
So did you ask your folks yet? Uh, no.
Yes, he may marry you.
My family's goin' camping at the lake this weekend, and I want D.
J.
to come with us.
My mom said it was okay.
Well, then it's okay with us.
Roseanne.
Isn't there someone else you should be asking about this? Oh.
Yeah.
So, you wanna go, right? Yeah! Cool.
Hey, if you start sittin' around the campfire and tellin' scary stories, change our names.
Roseanne, I'm serious about this.
Oh! Yeah, all right.
Yeah, we'll talk.
Uh, see, you don't wanna take all the fight out of your guy.
You want him to still be able to bark at strangers.
Gotcha.
Come on, D.
Let's go for a walk.
Okay, L.
Don't do that.
There is no way I'm lettin' my son go to the lake with that girl.
Why not? Because she pushes him around.
She's a bully.
Oh.
What, so now pushing people around makes you a bully? Roseanne, if this was one of our girls, and some boy was treatin' her this bad, you'd tear that guy apart.
This is completely different, Dan.
A boy starts life way up here on a throne, and a girl is down here.
So if a boy's pushin' a girl around, he's tryin' to keep her down.
But if a girl's pushin' a boy around, she's tryin' to elevate herself.
Can't ya see that? Boys bullyin' girls is a step backwards, but girls bullyin' boys? Now that's the future.
[door closes.]
Hey, did you guys decide about the lake thing? 'Cause Lisa wants to know now.
Well, I'm against it.
Your mom's for it-- Oh, boy! I'm gonna go get my sleeping bag! Hm.
So that's what a wombat looks like.
I really don't see why we have to be here.
Because you need help with your anger, Fred.
Anyone who's had as much therapy as I have knows that.
What anger? The anger that you take and mash down and mash down until it's all buried deep down inside you, just all mashed! I don't have any mashed anger.
Oh, ho, ho, ho, okay! [sniffling.]
[Woman.]
Well, I'm sure sorry about that.
But hey, there are plenty of fish in the sea, huh? Buh-bye! Uh, Jackie and Fred? That's us! All right.
Come on in.
I'm Dr.
Whitman.
[Fred.]
Hi.
Well, that's silly.
Obviously, I'm Dr.
Whitman.
I'm the only one here, and the sign says Dr.
Whitman, sothat's me! [both laughing.]
Okay, come on.
All right.
Sit down.
Okay.
Can I get you something to drink? You thirsty? Um, no.
Are you cold? Are you warm? I could open a window.
But-- that's right.
I can't open a window.
In my old office, I could open a window.
But this office, I can't open the window.
The window doesn't open at all.
It's just-- [banging.]
I used to-- I just moved.
This is new.
So, uh-- that's why I'm still saying "I could open a window".
But I can't, so-- listen to me, babbling on and on and on.
Oh, I guess if you get warm, I could break a window! Oh, I'm just kiddin' about breakin' a window.
Anyhoo, um-- if it's okay with you, I would like to record the session.
Oh, yeah.
That's fine.
Okay.
Great.
Kinda like to play the tapes for my friends.
Just kidding.
Kidding again.
Okey-dokey.
Why don't we get started with, uh, each of you stating what you think the problems with the marriage are.
UmFred? [nervous laugh.]
I don't know what to say.
Uh-huh.
Well, see.
That's a-- Think I-- discussed that with you over the phone.
Put down your shield, Fred.
We are your friends.
Did that sound hostile at all? No, I thought that was very well said.
Good.
Okay.
'Cause sometimes I can get started, and then I "Woo!" [laughs.]
All right.
Back to you, Fred.
Well, I guess-- apparently, Jackie and I could have some kind of communication problem.
Okay.
All right.
Anything else? Nope.
Uh-- [clears throat, chokes back laugh.]
Uh-huh.
Well, um-- not gonna need two tapes on you, am I, slugger? Okay, Jackie.
What do you think the problems are? Uh, not much.
I would have to say, I guess, that, um, it does bother me a little bit that Fred always likes things to be the same.
Good! Good.
Okay, Fred, would you like-- But it's all things.
All the time.
Always the same.
Always.
You know.
Everything we do.
Everything we eat.
Every TV show that we watch.
Has to be the same.
No change! No.
Can't be variety.
No.
Has to be same same same same same same-- Till you just wanna-- strap him on the back of the car, and drag him around for a little bit.
Ya know? Because at least that would be different.
That would be something new.
But what really bothers me is this man's-- this Fred's calm, polite, "I'm not a bit angry, I'm just sitting here on the couch "with my legs crossed, wearing this shirt" crap! When anybody can see that inside, the man is seething with rage.
Fred? Well? Gee.
I don't know.
Um-- do you think there's something wrong with this shirt? Ohoh, my.
[Jackie.]
What? Oh my oh my oh my.
What, you think he's hopeless, doctor? No, the tape wasn't recording the entire time.
Stupid, stupid-- Oh.
There we go.
All right.
Now, would you mind starting again? Well, from-- ? The beginning.
Yeah.
Something about Fred, wanting things "same same same!" You know.
"Rage!" Something about dragging me from the back of the car? Oh! Oh! Oh! Fred spoke.
Ha ha! Or I think that was you, Fred, wasn't it? 'Cause I wouldn't recognize his voice.
Okay.
There we go, and we're back.
Uh, it's just like, maybe in the morning, like you just say "Pass the toast" So Fred just sat there in the office like a deer caught in the headlights.
I love that look on a man.
Even if Fred did clam up, at least I got a couple things off my chest.
This tea feels good.
I don't know why my throat's so raw! What are you two doin' home in the middle of the day? I just picked D.
J.
up at the bus depot.
Why, wasn't there enough droolin' freaks around here to keep ya happy? It seems him and Lisa skipped school today, and took the bus to downtown Chicago, and didn't have enough money to get back.
What? You went to Chicago? Yep.
And the bus company let 'em ride back free, them made 'em wait at the station, while they called me away from work to come pick 'em up.
Well, I didn't wanna go! Lisa made me! Whaddaya mean, she "made" you? She made me! I mean, you see her! You know how she is! Well, you've seen me, and you know how I am, too! Now you go in there and kiss that TV goodbye! Can't believe that kid! I gotta get back to work.
Hey hey hey! I could use a little help here.
Oh, no! A man, helping a woman out? That's a step backwards! But you cleanin' up your own mess? That's the future! All right, let's get this over with.
D.
J.
! Hi, Mom! Son, I am going to punish you so hard that they're gonna throw a benefit concert for you.
What are you gonna do to me? Well, I don't know that yet.
But I do know it starts with this.
Go to your room.
For how long? Bring a shaver.
I'm so mad at him-- Well, of course you are! D.
J.
did something terrible.
You have to punish him.
Not him, idiot! Dan! I hate it when he's right.
Now he's gonna think he can give his opinion over every little major thing.
I can't believe that little girl was manipulative enough to get D.
J.
to go to Chicago.
Man, she is a natural.
She's obviously been married before.
Well-- can't blame the whole thing on her, Roseanne.
I mean-- did you ever think that D.
J.
might be mimicking what he sees around here? The way little Lisa bosses D.
J.
around is exactly the way that you boss Dan around.
I don't boss Dan around.
I am trying to put him in touch with his submissive side.
Roseanne! Admit it.
You're bossy! Bossy.
Is a farmer who turns a pig into a glazed ham bossy? I am not saying that you and Dan don't respect each other.
I am just saying that, as an objective third party, I see how it can appear.
Well, D.
J.
's smart enough to know that things aren't always the way they look.
He isn't stupid, Jackie.
Even though he did wear his shoes on the wrong feet for 3 years.
What? Oh, I'm just waiting to hear you say "You might be right, Jackie.
" Yeah? I'm waitin' for chocolate air.
Where you goin'? I'm going to go show D.
J.
what terrible things could happen to him in a great big city like Chicago.
Don't you think that you and Dan should talk to him? Why? What do I need Dan for? Roseanne, have you been listening? Well, I was listening! But then I stopped talking, and it all got really boring! Hey! Hi.
What are you doin'? Me and Andy are goin' to the park.
Ah.
You mind delayin' the park a little? I'd like to talk.
Oh, now you wanna talk.
When it's free.
When it's $90 an hour, you're a block of wood.
Well, I wanted to talk about our therapy session.
See, after the ringing in my ears stopped, I thought that you probably had a point.
Really.
Yeah.
Maybe I am angry.
I mean, I was really hurt that you went out with this Pete guy-- Oh, yeah.
That reminds me.
I got to pick up more salt for that wound.
Jackie.
Please.
Don't get defensive on me.
I'm tryin' to say that-- I was partly to blame for it.
Obviously, you weren't gettin' what you needed at home.
Oh.
Well, yeah.
That was part of it.
And I realized something else, too.
What? We're very different people.
See, that's what I've been saying.
I didn't realize it until now, but we barely knew each other when we got married.
I know! We only had a couple of dates.
And the baby.
I know it sounds kind of boring, Jackie, but I'm a homebody.
I really like just having a beer, watching TV, and then going to bed.
And I need more than that.
I need more excitement.
To live on the edge more.
I need to let the gas go below a quarter of a tank.
And I am the kind of guy that could never do that.
I'm also the kind of guy that's gotta tell you, that is so bad for your car! I guess you didn't realize you were gettin' somebody so uptight, huh? No.
I guess-- you didn't realize you were marrying somebody so neurotic.
Guess not.
Well, we've got-- one thing in common.
We both got married too fast, to people-- who aren't what we expected.
Yeah.
So guess I'll take him to the park.
Okay.
[clearing throat.]
You wanna come? Yeah! Okay.
Hey! I got a great idea.
This time we'll do something different.
We'll go to a different park.
I know it.
It's got swings.
Small bites at first, Fred.
Don't gobble.
Small bites.
[vacuum cleaner hum.]
D.
J.
, what are you doing? Gettin' a head start on my punishment.
Well, Dan, that explains those mints on our pillow.
Turn it off, son.
[vacuum shuts down.]
We need to talk to you.
It's about Lisa.
Oh.
Yeah.
See? We think we figured out why you picked her for your girlfriend.
I didn't pick her! She picked me! What your mom means is, we know why you keep going out with her.
'Cause she tells me to! Oh-- I wanna like this girl! Is something wrong? Yeah, there is.
She doesn't treat you very good, Deej.
And we think you're okay with that because you think-- that's the way your mom treats me.
But you got it all wrong.
Yeah.
See, me and your dad, we totally respect each other.
We're exactly equal in this house.
And you know why? Because that's the way I want it.
I mean, sure, it may look like she runs things around here.
But-- there's a million ways I get my own way around here.
Like what? Give him an example.
Oh, okay! Heh.
Last month, your mom wanted to tune up the truck.
But that's something I like to do! So I said, "No way!" Yeah.
And giving in feels so good when you love someone.
Point is, son, you can't let yourself get pushed around.
So I should only like girls who are wimpy? No, exactly the opposite.
You should like a girl who's tough enough to know what she wants, but-- yet soft enough to know how to get it.
And she should have a very wealthy father with an enlarged heart.
See, Deej, a strong woman-- is a joy forever.
But you always have to be a very strong man.
Okay.
I think I got it.
Yeah, well, you said the same thing about long division.
Okay, I was going out with Lisa because I thought the lady should boss the man around.
But that's wrong.
Nobody should boss anybody around.
Bingo! You pass! We're proud of ya! [laughs.]
We sure are.
Does that mean I get to go to the lake with Lisa? No, that means you're grounded! But your dad and I are gonna go, and we're gonna send you a postcard.
I hate this! [chuckles.]
We make a heck of a couple.
Yeah, skip it, Dan.
The kid left the room.
Hey.
I heard you in there, talkin' about why you're goin' out with Lisa.
So? So I thought you were goin' out with her 'cause she slips you the tongue.
Yeah.
But I'm not gonna tell them that! Where's D.
J.
? He out back, cleaning dog doo off my shoes.
Coulda stepped around it, but I wasn't in the mood.
Listen, Lisa.
I think you're really mistreating D.
J.
Do you have any idea the amount of crap I gotta take at school for bein' D.
J.
's girlfriend? Then why don't you just break up with him, then? 'Cause he does do one thing very well.
If you know what I mean.
Oh, God Hey, Deej! Whaddaya say we show David what makes me-- stick around? No.
I don't wanna see this.
No, it's okay.
God, I love this man!