Seinfeld s07e23 Episode Script

The concept of being separated is strange.
It's like you're engaged to be divorced.
"We're gonna try and make not being together work.
First we were separated, then we met, then we were together.
Now we're gonna try being separated again.
We think actually some sort of giant rubber band might be the solution.
" Of course, when you were a kid in school you'd get separated for having too good a time.
"If you two kids don't stop laughing and having fun l'm gonna have to separate you.
" Then the kid finds out his parents are breaking up thinks it's because they got caught fooling around, which is probably true.
- Hairdo? - Yeah.
You look like Brenda Starr.
- Is that good? - Better than Dondi.
Hey, my God, look at that.
It's David and Beth Lukner.
You know, I heard a rumour their marriage is a little rocky.
Really? You know, I have a little thing for Beth Lukner.
Well I have to admit I've always thought David was kind of sponge-worthy.
Yeah, I've been waiting out their marriage for three years.
Me too.
Well, I've been waiting out two or three marriages but this is the one I really had my eye on.
This car out there is taking up like three parking spaces.
That's mine.
- You have a car? - My friend lent it to me for the week.
- She's out of town.
- I've never seen you drive.
- Me neither.
- Jerry? - Elaine, hi.
- Hi, David.
Hi, Beth.
Oh, George, this is my husband, David.
- Oh, hi, David.
- Hello.
George, you're the one who works for the Yankees, right? Yeah.
Why, what do you do? Well, I sell insurance, but Beth used to be Don Mattingly's doctor.
- Really? - Yeah.
A physician married to a salesman.
I gotta tell you, Beth, you could have done a lot better than him.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, Mickey, what's going on? I'm nervous.
I'm auditioning to be in the Actors Studio tonight.
- Really? - It's Method, Jerry.
It's intense.
- Kramer's my scene partner.
- Kramer? He doesn't have to say anything.
He just has to sit there.
I'm playing a detective.
I'm playing a businessman accused of murder.
Oh, boy.
I gotta meet Elaine and run some errands, so Look at this, Mickey.
These pants are falling apart.
When I met you, you used to wear jeans all the time.
Well, I was a different man then.
With a different body.
Hey, I got the body of a taut, preteen Swedish boy.
I don't know.
What are you thinking? You think that I'm not able to wear jeans anymore? Is that what you're saying? Because I'll go and I'll buy some jeans.
I swear to God, I will.
Don't think I won't, Jerry.
All right.
That's it.
God, it is so great to drive again.
I miss it so much.
How about a left turn signal, you moron! I'm so nauseous.
She's the worst driver.
You know what, on my first road test, I hit a dog.
I think it was a golden retriever.
No, no, no, it was a yellow lab.
I gotta check my messages.
Hey.
I'm so carsick I'm gonna v omit.
Oh, my God, Jerry.
My friend Kim called.
David and Beth got separated last night.
- Yeah? - They're getting divorced! So now, what is our move? What do we do? I don't know, but we don't have much time.
City's teeming with people waiting out that marriage.
Right.
It's like when a tenant dies in a rent-controlled building.
You gotta take immediate action.
But David and Beth are gonna need their grieving time.
Their grieving time is a luxury I can't afford.
I'm calling Beth tonight, and if you want a shot at David I suggest you do likewise.
- Yeah.
But we gotta make it seem like we're not calling for dates.
Then why are we calling? - Good question.
Why are we calling? - Why are we calling? - Calling, calling, calling.
- Why are we calling? Why do we call? I got it.
I've got it.
We're calling just to say: "I'm there for you.
" I'm there for you.
Then, after a period of being there for you we slowly remove the two words "for you" and we're just there.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Remember Beth and David from yesterday? - They got separated.
- Really? Well, you don't think it had anything to do with what I said, do you? What did you say? You know, that thing about her being too good for him.
I mean, I was just being folksy.
They could tell I was being folksy? - Yeah, I thought you were being folksy.
- Totally folksy.
Hey - What did you get? - I bought dungarees.
Kramer, they're painted on.
Well, they're the slim fit.
- Slim fit? - Yeah, they're streamlined.
You're walking like Frankenstein.
They just gotta be worked in a little bit, that's all.
See you.
Well, David, it happens.
Sure, Beth, these things happen.
So have you told many people yet? Because it's really nobody's business.
Anyway, I just called to tell you that l'm there for you.
There is anywhere you want me to be.
Sure.
Dinner would be fine.
And I can just be there for you.
- Jerry, you gotta help me.
- What's wrong? I can't get my pants off.
Mickey's audition is in 20 minutes.
I'm supposed to be a businessman.
I gotta be in costume.
All right.
Undo them, I'll help you get them off.
- I already did, and it won't come off.
- You just gotta wiggle your hips.
Pull down.
All right.
All right.
That's no good.
Let me try getting them from the bottom.
Just give me Wait.
Jerry, wait a minute.
Man, these are tight.
- Squinch your hips in.
- I am squinching my hips.
Keep squinching them.
All right, that's not gonna work.
That's not gonna work.
Let me just think for a second here.
You better get me.
Get me up, get me up.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Look, you're gonna need the Jaws of Life to get out of those things.
I don't have time.
I'm gonna be late.
- Maybe you could soak in a tub.
- You better get the door.
It was nice to get your call.
Well, I just want you to know I'm there for you.
Of course, now I'm here for you but when I'm not here for you, I'm there for you.
Well, wherever you are, I appreciate it.
So how did this all happen? Well, actually, it had a lot to do with George's comment.
- Is that right? - I thought maybe I could do better.
Maybe, maybe.
Well, it wasn't just that.
I realized after three years of marriage that David's little quirks were getting on my nerves.
Three years is a long time to be married.
In the middle of our fight last night, he did this thing that he always does where he asks questions to himself aloud and then answers them.
Am I happy Beth left me? Of course not.
Can I hope to pick up the pieces and move on? Absolutely.
You're gonna pick up the pieces.
We just had our third anniversary on April 8th.
- Tenth.
- Right.
Right.
You know, as far as I'm concerned, this whole thing is George's fault.
Well, David, the thing about George is that he's an idiot.
All right.
Auditioning next is Mickey Abbott doing a scene from the Terence Klufer play Flesh Wounds in Ithaca.
I'm sorry, my scene partner isn't here yet so I guess - Sorry I'm late.
- What's with the jeans? - You're a businessman.
- Long story.
Well, just get up here.
So, Bradley I guess this is the last place you expected to find yourself.
Well, we're gonna be here a while, so take a seat.
If it hadn't been for that secretary of yours I said, sit down.
Are you deaf, Bradley? I said, sit down.
Bradley, it's very important that you sit down.
Now, for the last time try again to sit down! Sit down, you big, stupid ape! Did I have a great time with David Lukner last night? I sure did.
Do I think there's a future here? I don't see why not.
I'll tell you, that "there for you" crap was a stroke of genius.
- Oh, please.
- Never mind.
- Oh, come on.
- You're a genius.
All right.
Hey.
- Georgie! - Hey, there he is! Georgie boy! - What's going on? - What's going on? You're the man of the hour, that's what's going on.
- Right.
- What do you mean? Well, thanks to you and your little comment there to David and Beth Jerry and I are in prime pouncing position to scoop these two up before they know what hit them.
So it was my comment that broke them up? - According to them.
- Yeah.
I feel terrible.
I can't be responsible for breaking up a marriage.
- Oh, no.
- Where are you going? Well, I gotta go talk to Beth.
- Talk to Beth? - I gotta undo what I did.
You're not undoing anything.
- Oh, yes, I am.
- Oh, no, you're not.
All right, get out of my way.
All right, don't make me get physical here! You be careful, George.
- George.
- Hi, Beth.
Anyway, Jerry told me that it might have been my comment in the coffee shop that broke you up.
Well, you know, it's funny, George sometimes you don't know how you're feeling about something until a person like you comes along and articulates it so perfectly.
Articulate? Me? I've never articulated anything.
I'm completely incoherent.
I don't know about that.
Hold on.
Hello.
Hi.
Yeah, last night.
I did too.
Really? That's so funny, he's here right now.
Can you put him on? I'd love to say hello.
Sure.
George, it's Jerry.
- He wants to talk to me? - Yeah.
- He says he wants to say hello.
- Sweet guy.
Hello? What the hell are you doing over there? Mind your own business.
Now, stay out of my affairs! Jerry, Jerry, that is so sweet of you but actually, I already ate.
Ate? What the hell are you talking about? Listen to me.
Get out of that apartment.
- Lf you screw this up for me, I swear - Chocolate chip mint? Actually, Jerry, I prefer chocolate chip.
What is it about the chocolate and the mint that makes it go so well together? - What are you talking about? - Oh, of course you can use it.
Sure.
- Okay.
Bye-bye.
- Don't hang up on me, George, l - Hey.
- Hey.
Are you still wearing those things? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I think they're starting to loosen up a bit.
- Oh, hi, Mrs.
Zanfino.
- Kramer, would you do me a favour? My babysitter hasn't shown up.
Could you watch Joey for an hour? Yeah, sure, Mrs.
Zanfino.
He's sleeping already.
You don't have to do anything.
- See you later, buddy.
- See you later.
- Hello? - Hi, Jerry.
It's Beth.
- Oh, hi, Beth.
- Hi.
I've been doing a lot of thinking today and I don't know, maybe I made a huge mistake.
- George.
- I'm just feeling very confused.
- I'll call you back, okay? - Okay.
- Trouble.
- What? - George.
Yeah.
- Is it? Damn.
- What do we do? - What do we do? You get your ass over to Beth's tout de suite.
Turn on some of that so-called charm you tell me about.
- Yeah, I can try and do that.
- You don't try, you do it.
I got the loser in this relationship.
I'm breathing new life into him.
Give me three more days, he won't remember her name.
You got the winner, the easy part.
Let's go.
I'll drive you over there.
Come on.
- You go on ahead.
I'll take the bus.
- What? I'm parked outside.
- I'll take the subway.
- It doesn't matter.
I'll take you.
- I can hitchhike.
- What's your problem? - It's really not necessary.
- What's your problem? The The shoelaces that you bought me they worked out well.
Well, you know, if you need some more I can get them for you.
It should be a while, though.
That was close.
Confide in her.
Open up to her.
You know, women like that.
I don't feel so good.
Anyway, Beth You know, I was thinking on my way over how when I was 9, I wanted these handball sneakers.
They were all black.
But they only came in adult sizes.
So, you know, I never got the sneakers.
Oh, really? My father left us when I was 9 so I guess that's why I have such a fear of abandonment.
- Wow, that's so touching.
- Yes, it is.
Hey, it's George.
Oh, maybe we should go someplace else.
No, let's go in.
- Oh, hi.
Hi, David.
- Hi, George.
- Elaine.
- Hi.
Listen, David, I want to apologize about that comment George, please, please.
I'm fine.
Oh, yeah, this is my fiancee.
- Susan, this is David.
- David.
Oh, fiancee? Boy, you could've done a lot better than him.
Come on, Elaine, let's go.
It's Frankenstein! It's Frankenstein! Joey.
Joey.
Mickey, you were so incredible in that scene yesterday.
- The rage.
- Right.
The rage.
Tons of rage.
I don't believe this.
- Hello.
- Mickey.
Oh, hi, Kramer.
- What do you want? I'm busy.
- You gotta do me a favour.
- What? Now? I can't.
- Hey, you owe me.
I got you in the Actors Studio.
They thought what we did was the scene.
All right, all right.
I'll be right over.
You ready? You know what, George why don't you go ahead.
I think I'd like to be alone for a while.
Oh, sure.
Sure, you want to be alone? Sure, I understand that.
You want a little time to think? Think.
Ponder things.
You know, ruminate.
You go ahead.
A lot of stuff on your mind.
You think things out.
Think.
Mull, just mull.
Do a lot of mulling.
I gotta go find this kid.
All you gotta do is lay here and pretend you're asleep in case she gets back.
Here, the covers.
Why don't you just cut the pants and get them off.
- I'm breaking them in.
- What am I gonna do in here? Just keep the lights out and your eyes closed.
I'll be back.
Jerry, Jerry! Jerry, Jerry, the most unbelievable thing has happened.
It is so unbelievable! I'm sitting in the coffee shop, I'm talking to Susan we're talking about shoelaces right? So in walks David, right? He walks right up to the table, right? I introduce him to Susan, and he says Now, get this.
He says, " Boy, you could do a lot better than this guy.
" He said the exact same thing that I said to him just to get back at me.
And then she says she wants to be alone for a while.
Alone, Jerry.
I think that she thinks that she could do better.
Do you appreciate this? You see the irony of this? You see what's going on here? What's the matter? I'm nauseous.
That what's hurting your appreciation? A little.
It's a good story, don't you think? - It's not bad.
- Yeah.
Joey, there you are.
Hey, Joey! It's a monster! I'm the babysitter.
Good night, honey.
Good night.
It's gotta have something to do with Kramer.
Elaine here's to you being there.
And here.
Excuse me.
- Beth.
- David.
I'll tell you, it's not bad.
- George? - Yeah? - Can I talk to you for a minute? - Yeah, sure, sure.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about the wedding and all and I've decided to go with the chicken.
So chasing little kids, huh? You're in a lot of trouble, mister.
- No, look, I was babysitting - Yeah, yeah, all right.
Sit down.
What are you, deaf? I said, sit down.
- Hey, for the last time, sit down.
- Oh, yeah.