How I Met Your Mother s07e24 Episode Script
The Magician's Code (2)
1 NARRATOR: Kids, when Aunt Lily went into labor, Marshall was somewhere slightly inconvenient, in Atlantic City with Uncle Barney, and drunk to the point of talking like Yoda.
Baby come Papa gonna be am I Hospital must we get now Okay, there's like a four-hour wait at the valet stand.
Plus, we're in no shape to drive.
So, a car's out Wait, don't worry.
We'll take a cab to the train station.
MAN: Yeah, good luck getting a cab.
It's impossible because of the big thing.
NARRATOR: Kids, for the life of me, I can't remember what the big thing was in Atlantic City that weekend.
SON: Was it a cheerleading convention? NARRATOR: No, it was a porn convention.
Sci-fi convention? Eh, I can't remember.
We're stuck in Atlantic City! City of Atlantic stuck in are we.
How I Met Your Mother 7x23 The Magician's Code Okay, Lily, it's going to be fine.
We are not freaking out.
We are not freaking out! I feel calmer already.
Let's get you to the hospital.
Oh, I can't go yet.
I talked to Dr.
Sonya.
They won't admit me until my contractions are four minutes apart.
Okay, well, if you don't make it in time, I have got you covered.
When I was 13, my father caught me kissing a boy, so he sent me to our family's ranch for foaling season.
Once you see a baby horse erupt through that birth canal, you stop even touching yourself.
Anyway, I had skinny arms, so I got up there elbow deep.
I lost this watch birthing Blacky Okay, stop it.
I am not a farm animal.
(mooing) Oh, there we go.
Easy girl.
Sugar cube? (moaning) Oh, okay.
Ah, don't worry, Lil.
Some of us know what a woman actually needs at a time like this.
(panting) A kick-ass labor announcement e-mail.
and their best friend, embark on an incredible journey.
Lily's cervix is dilating, and we want you all to be part of its grand opening.
You are not sending that to anyone, ever.
So what I need right now is distraction from the pain.
Just tell me a story.
Uh, what story? I don't care.
Anything.
How about the worst cab ride ever? HOMELESS GUY: Clean your window for you? - No! Hey, get off my cab! (grunting) (blows landing) Oh! Oh, God! (loud thud) Oh! Ah! (Ted and Robin gasping) (both screaming) (screaming) We are not panicking! We are not panicking! Get on all fours; it widens your hind quarters.
Stop it! I am not a farm animal! But give me that sugar cube.
Okay, listen, I am going to get you to that hospital or die trying.
And if I succeed, I ask only one thing in return.
Let me choose your child's middle name.
Because I have thought up the most awesome name of all time.
What's the middle name? Wait for it I'm waiting.
Wait for it I said I'm waiting.
Wait for it.
What's the middle name? No, the middle name is "Wait For It.
" Let's say his first name is, oh, I don't know, Barney.
He'd be Barney "Wait For It" Eriksen.
How awesome is that? That is the coolest middle name of all time.
I know! Okay, listen.
I have a plan to get us to New York.
All we have to do is get our hands on that motorcycle.
And I know just the way to do it.
(both sigh) (phone rings) Here.
Oh.
Hi, Judy.
Oh, good.
You got the e-mail from Ted.
No, I am not worried my city hips are too narrow, and-and your grandson's going to get stuck.
I got to go.
I thought you deleted that stupid e-mail.
Okay, I sent it by accident.
She like it? Yes! Just keep telling me stories! Okay, okay, I got one for you: second base with Neil Young.
Um, (chuckles) I don't normally go to, um, second base and tell, but I just spent a magical night with Neil Young.
(whispers): He's still in my room.
Seriously? Oh, my God.
Be quiet, don't scare him off.
(clears throat) He-Hey Robin Yeah.
That's not Neil Young.
Oh, God.
(both laughing) Oh, we're busting apple bags? I can bust apple bags.
Ted, remember when we were dating and we threw that party and one of those appetizers just didn't sit right? Ah doesn't sound familiar.
I call this story "Ted and the Cuban Sandwich Crisis.
" (toilet flushes) ROBIN: Ted came out of that bathroom looking like Joe Frazier after the Thrilla in Manila.
Oh, what is that smell!? Ugh! So I, being a great girlfriend, tried to help him out.
You guys are all crazy; I don't smell anything.
Anyway, uh, who wants to go up on the roof? ROBIN: But then She, who denied it, supplied it.
Yeah, must have been that Cuban sandwich, huh, babe? (both chuckle) That was not cool, Ted.
Contraction! That wasn't cool, Ted? (grunting): Just keep going with the stories.
I don't even care if I've heard it before.
Just tell me, uh, "Where Does That Door Go?" Okay.
Hey, I've never noticed that door before.
I wonder where it goes.
Ted.
Ted.
No, no, no, let him let him Wow Don't No Robi.
Oh Wow (cell phone rings) Dad, oh, good.
Let me guess, you got Ted's e-mail.
I'm on my way, Princess.
Dad, wait, no, not Damn it, Ted.
I was okay with you e-mailing my aunt, my cousins, and your cousins, and the guy that Robin thought was Neil Young.
But my father is the absolute worst person to have around in any sort of medical situation.
LILY: When I was seven, I needed to have my tonsils out.
Daddy, I'm scared.
Aw, Princess, I would be too.
I've researched this surgery.
Anything can happen.
You could bleed to death you could have your jaw removed due to infection, and the anesthesia could suddenly just stop working, much like your mom's and my marriage.
(laughing) You do know that we're getting a divor Don't worry about it.
We'll talk about it after the surgery.
Calm down, girl.
(panting) Okay, for the last time, I am not Actually, keep going.
Okay, I admit the whole "win a motorcycle plan" was stupid.
Especially because we've been playing on the wrong machine.
BARNEY: New plan: Meet me at the entrance in five minutes.
(engine revs) Hop on, Marshall.
Tonight, we ride! You won that? Not exactly.
You see, I Get off! (grunting) I hope Marshall's close.
Cube me.
I'm on my way, Lily Pad.
NARRATOR: Kids, your Uncle Marshall has faced many challenges in his life.
But he still considers getting up these two steps when he was this drunk to be the hardest one of all.
Tell me a Marshall story.
I miss him.
Got it.
"The Tale of the Cursed Pants.
" Hey, guys.
(chuckles) So, I'm starting worry about these pants.
Starting to? No, ever since I got them, terrible things have been happening to me: I stubbed my toe, I missed my train You put on the pants.
(all chuckle) And then the lady at the thrift store said that for years, no one so much as tried them on.
Can you believe that? Yes.
You know what this means? These pants are cursed.
What's this in the pocket? A clue.
TED: Marshall had the writing translated.
It led him deep into the heart of Chinatown.
(gasps) It is you.
The One has arrived.
Dry cleaning, $21.
50.
I remember that suit.
He looked like a little kid's imaginary friend.
(chuckles) Where is he?! NARRATOR: Now, Uncle Marshall knew he had only one chance of getting out of Atlantic City: bribing a cab driver.
Machine that gives money! (chuckles) NARRATOR: Now, Marshall was pretty drunk, but he swears the ATM started to do this.
(video game sound effect) (beeps) (laughing) AUTOMATED VOICE: Stop hitting me.
Just for that, you're never getting home for the birth of your son.
(shredding sounds) No!! What's up, bro? Wait, how did you with the security? I'll explain.
(grunts) Tell me why we shouldn't call the authorities right now? Go ahead, call 'em.
But first, can you show me the rule that says you can't drive a motorcycle on the casino floor? (chuckles) It's not in here.
NARRATOR: And, kids, that sign is still there to this day.
When I came out, I ran into this guy.
Two seats just opened up on his bus to New York! Barney, you're a genius! Plus, here's the best part.
This Quinn thing is probably done, so I'm basically single.
He said the bus is full of hot college seniors.
Okay, maybe he didn't say "college.
" Or "hot.
" I miss Quinn.
(groans) What is taking Marshall so long? Salt lick? Just finish the door story! Oh, wow.
I don't like this.
(groaning) Okay, okay, that's four minutes! We're going to the hospital.
W-Wait, but Marshall's not here yet.
I can't go to the hospital without Marshall! I'm on it.
Lily, spread your legs.
I'm gonna see if we can see the hooves-- uh, the-the snout-- uh, the head.
Here we go.
Take me to the hospital now.
Okay.
Come on, come on.
Excuse me, sir.
My wife is in labor, and I really need to get to Saint Marcus Hospital.
So where exactly in New York does this bus drop off? Buffalo.
What do you mean I can't have an epidural? You're too far along.
Things are moving much faster than expected.
Look, if your hands are tied medically, just leave the epidural on the table and walk away.
Don't worry.
The baby slide right out, huh? It's like a whoosh.
(chuckles) Like a waterslide.
(screaming) Slightly painful waterslide.
(sobbing) Tell me a story now! Uh Uh Oh! Remember the time Barney tried to pick up girls as the Terminator? Yes.
(Ã la Schwarzenegger): Come with me if you want to bang.
Another.
Oh, uh, Ted and the freakishly long arm hair! No, I disagree, because the filling-- It depends on what you're eating, right? If it's Whoa.
What the? ROBIN and MARSHALL: Whoa.
(groaning) The debunking of the freakishly long arm hair.
Wait, it's-it's just a thread.
I was jealous, okay? Barney's getting all the attention today with this Terminator thing.
Huh.
Can't believe I'm not getting laid in this thing.
Maybe I need to pick a different part of the movie.
(high-pitched screaming) Tell me another story! Oh, hey, we never finished "Where does that door go"" Come on.
Let's check it out.
You know what, baby, they're gone.
It's time for us to move on.
L-Lil Oh, my God.
(screaming) New story! Uh, the time we tested if banana peels are really slippery.
Yes.
Ready? There's no way that's really slippery.
(grunts) Ow! Ow! Ow! Uh, the Halloween we decided to go as The Breakfast Club, but failed to coordinate our costumes! Uh Does Oh.
(groans) (sighs) Really? I mean, you live with me, Lily.
Yeah, that was funny.
Keep going! Oh, uh, uh the-the time Barney saved a woman's life.
Ready? There's no way that's really slippery.
(grunts) (screaming) Uh, the time Lily went into labor! That's now! Sorry, I'm running out of stories.
Forget it! They're not working anymore! Okay, Lily, I know this isn't how you imagined it, but I want you to know that I am here for you and I am rock solid! Oh, I can see its head.
Oh, thank God, Dr.
Sonya! You! Get that thing out of my delivery room! Weak women disgust me.
All right, Lily, legs up! We push now, yes?! I can't.
Marshall's not here yet.
Lily! If you don't push, I will shove that baby up your throat and pull it out of your mouth! (screaming) Where the hell is Marshall?! I can't do this without Marshall! NARRATOR: Kids, sometimes the universe sends exactly what you ask for.
Other times, it sends Lily's dad.
(groaning): Oh Remember the time you had your tonsils out? Yeah, yeah.
You scared the crap out of me.
Yes, I did, didn't I? (laughs) Oh, my.
But do you remember what happened next? And don't worry, Princess, if you permanently lose the ability to speak, we'll give you a chalkboard.
You can hang it around your neck on a little string.
Nurse, I don't know who this strange man is.
Security! What are you talking about? I'm your daddy.
What do you mean Hey, fellas, come on! I woke up in a Dumpster of medical waste, and I couldn't have been prouder.
Because, much like that Dumpster, you had a lot of guts.
And you've used that bravery every day of your life.
With or without Marshall.
You're having this baby.
Thanks, Dad.
That story actually helped.
Oh, good, I'm glad.
And, you know, few women have vaginal tearing severe enough to need surgical reconstruction Security! Oh, come on.
That's not necessary.
Sweetheart, please Oh, fellas, come on.
Please, sir, all you have to do is take the next exit to Manhattan.
You'll be back on the road in 20 minutes.
I already told you, I'm not allowed to stop.
Sir, this man is having a baby tonight.
And instead of going to Saint Marcus Hospital, we're going to Buffalo.
And I've seen women from there; the city's aptly named.
Look, I'm a screwup.
I had something special with this girl Quinn, and I ruined it.
But this guy-- he's done everything right.
He's been loving and devoted since he was 18 years old.
There are only a few truly great people on this planet, and he is one of them.
He deserves to be at the birth of his son.
So what do you say? Unless there's an emergency, I'm not allowed to stop, so sit down, watch Cocoon 2 and shut up.
I'm sorry, buddy, I tried.
NARRATOR: And then, something wonderful happened.
I'm having a heart attack! I'm having a heart attack! I'm having a heart attack! And my doctor is at Saint Marcus Hospital! MAN: So is mine! Mine, too.
And my son is head of Cardiology.
ALL: We know! Push! I wish Marshall were here! (panting): I'm here, baby.
Marshall! I don't know why I passed out.
I have delivered 12 perfectly healthy babies, and one of them was even human.
Well, it's different when it's someone you love.
When that head was coming out of your best friend.
Oh, stop.
I'm feeling woozy again.
Don't.
Salt lick? In return for him getting me here, I may have promised Barney that our son's middle name will be Wait For It.
I can't wait, just-- what is the name? The name is Wait For It.
(screaming) That is the coolest middle name of all time! Look, um, I know things have been weird between us the last few months, but Marshall and Lily are having a baby.
Yeah.
And, you know, I want this baby to be born into a world where we're okay.
So, friends? I love you, Robin.
Kidding.
You Friends.
You (both laugh) Guys, great news from down the hall.
One dollar, two bags of gummy bears! It's like, I don't even care what happens for the rest of the day.
I Hey.
Well, guys, uh (sighs) I'm a dad.
(laughs): Oh, my God! (cheering) Everybody, this is Marvin.
We named him after my pop.
Tell them the full name.
Marvin Wait For It Eriksen.
That is the coolest middle name of all-time.
Totally.
You were born into a strange world Like a candle, you were meant to share the fire I don't know where we come from, I don't know where we go But my arms were made to hold you So I will never let you go 'Cause you were born To change this life, you were born.
How I Met Your Mother 7x24 The Magician's Code, pt2 (exhales) ALL: Boo! (screams) NARRATOR: Which brings us to the story of a wedding day that went horribly wrong.
Ted, the bride wants to see you.
Uncle Barney was getting married.
How the hell did we get there? I love the name Marvin.
Marv.
Sounds like a little middle-aged man.
(chuckling) Golf next weekend, Marv? How's that tax report coming, Marv? At your age, erectile dysfunction is nothing to be ashamed of, Marv.
It was a beautiful moment.
But then a thought popped into my head, kids.
The same thought that will pop into your heads the first time you see your best friend holding their baby.
(staple gun clicks) Wonder how much this would hurt.
(chuckles) (staple gun clicks) (screaming) That guy's a dad.
(screaming) (baby crying) Oh, I think he's hungry.
Oh, we'll give you some privacy.
Wow.
Seeing them in there all together like that, they're a family, you know? That's what I want.
Oh, Ted, I'm glad we're friends again.
Me, too.
Because as your friend, I have to tell you: You're full of crap! You say you want a family, you say you want to meet "The One," but you are always chasing the wrong women.
That is not true.
Look at the women you date, starting with me: I told you right away I didn't want marriage or kids.
Stella had a child with another man who she still loved.
Zoey was married and trying to sabotage your career and wore a lot of stupid hats.
If you really wanted a family, you would stop pursuing women you know that there is no future with.
Okay, first of all, hats were in that year, kind of.
Secondly, I don't always choose women there's no future with, kind of.
Name one exception.
Victoria.
TED: Victoria was great.
Exactly, and you threw it all away to chase after some hot piece of ass.
(scoffs) You mean you? Thank you! Victoria is the only woman you've dated who could've been "The One.
" You should call her.
Tiny thing, last time I saw her, she was getting engaged.
That was eight months ago.
For all you know, she's single again.
What if she's married? What if she's not? Then you would actually have a chance to get what you say you want, and it terrifies you.
Why? Because if I stole a scalpel and I cut you open, all I would find inside is a scared, trembling pile of crap.
See, I've missed these talks.
Oh, me, too.
Yeah.
Whoa.
What's wrong? (sighs) I ruined things with Quinn.
I insisted she stop stripping, we got in a huge fight about it, then I ran off to Atlantic City for two days without calling.
What the hell am I coming home to? Let's have an eight-way with my six hottest stripper friends.
Um, how is that a punishment? Wait for it.
But I forbid you from filming it with your overhead camera that zooms in on whoever's being the loudest.
Nooooo! (shudders) No, that's too cruel.
Or, you know, maybe Quinn's moved out.
I didn't even think of that! (sighs) Hi.
Welcome home.
I decided the place was a bit too "American Psycho" for me, so while you were gone, I hired a decorator and I asked him, "What would the inside of Tinkerbell's vagina look like?" And the kid just ran with it! So what do you think? Thank God you're still here! Welcome home.
NARRATOR: Lily and Marshall asked Robin to be the photographer for Baby Marvin's Birth Announcement card instead of me.
Whatever.
The only problem? (camera snapping) These are terrible, Robin! Hey, it is not easy getting a good shot cooped up in this apartment! See, two different styles: I make compositions, Robin makes excuses.
Click! Photo burn! Okay.
How about this? Tomorrow, we go to Central Park at sunset and we get the perfect picture in the perfect setting.
Oh, I like that.
It'll be Marvin's first outing into the world.
You're gonna love the park, buddy.
It's a great place to meet chicks.
Or-or dudes.
Or both.
Oh, we love you no matter what! NARRATOR: And kids, as I watched your Aunt Lily hold her baby boy, another thought popped into my head.
Even though you didn't buy anything, I want to thank you for coming in.
Here's a free teddy bear.
What are you gonna name the little guy? Six Pack.
Gun it, bitches! (engine revs) NARRATOR: That girl's a mom! (engine revving) (phone chimes) Okay, so I met this girl on the train, and I texted her, "What's up"" She texted, "Hey," exclamation point.
Does that mean, "Ask me out" or "Just" Ted, we are responsible for a whole other human life now, so new rule: You can't come to us with any issue unless it's an "8" or higher.
Got it.
So I'm thinking of texting back a winky smiley face.
Eight or higher, bro.
Well, no, what should I-- Eight or higher, bro.
No, yeah, I'm just wondering if-- Eight or higher, bro.
Well, where do you rate this? This is the same as what's in little Marvin's pants right now: a soft two.
Sorry, bro.
Stop texting the bimbo and call Victoria.
That chapter's over.
W-We just weren't destined to be together.
"Destined.
" Aren't you tired of waiting for destiny, Ted? Isn't it time to make your own destiny? Hey, false alarm.
What I was smelling was the previous poop, which, apparently, is still somewhere on my clothes and/or in my hair.
Hold him, would you? Oh.
Here.
Ooh.
Yeah, smart.
(shutter clicking) Oh, sure, that one turns out great.
Ugh.
NARRATOR: And then another thought popped into my head: That guy's nowhere near being a dad.
(line ringing) VICTORIA: Hello? Hey, Victoria, it's Ted.
Um, listen, I was just wondering if you wanted to catch up sometime; it's been a while.
That sounds nice.
I'm actually around this afternoon.
Oh, wow, uh, great.
MacLaren's at 2:00? Is 1:30 okay? I might have a thing later.
Yeah.
Yeah.
See you then.
See you then.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Barney and Quinn were off to Hawaii for their first getaway as a couple.
Ma'am, I need you to open your suitcase.
(sighing): It's mine.
Did you have to replace my luggage, too? Run away on me again, you'll be wearing hot pink stilettos.
What's that? Yeah, what is that? It's a magic trick.
You see, I'm something of a magician.
Open the box, sir.
(laughing): Oh, I can't do that.
(barking) Sir, are there drugs in that box? Oh, no.
He's probably just barking because of the explosives.
(gasps) Oh, my God! Tell us what's in the box right now! I can't.
Magician's Code.
TED: Okay, I need to figure out if Victoria ever got engaged.
I'll have to very subtly check for an engagement ring.
Hmm, can't see the left hand.
Open the box now! I can't.
Magician's Code.
What the hell is the Magician's Code?! "A magician never reveals his tricks.
" Mr.
Flanagan, my magic mentor from the hallowed Staten Island Mall Magic Shop, taught me the importance of the Code one fateful autumn night in 1993.
Always good to tell a long story while people are aiming guns at you.
'Twas a night which would changed my life (thudding) Hello? Mr.
Flanagan.
Wh-What are you doing here? Um I'm checking up on you.
Just to make sure you're practicing your craft or whatever.
That is an honor, sir.
And yeah, I promise, I'm practicing.
But wait.
Why were you, why were you going in my mom's room? Uh your mom's actually helping me with a new trick.
That is so cool! What is this trick? Is it sawing a lady in half? (wry chuckle) Well, not sawing.
But actually, the Magician's Code forbids me from telling you anything else about the trick.
LORETTA: Wayne, come back to bed! Okay, it involves a bed.
W-W-Wait.
Can you at least tell me the name of this trick? Sure, kid.
It's called-- The Disappearing Salami.
Mr.
Flanagan's wife shot him before he could ever tell me what the trick was.
Yeah, that guy was banging your mom.
Yup.
Totally.
Mr.
Flanagan was not ban-- Oh, my God, he was.
Wait, why are you bringing a magic trick to Hawaii anyway? I was hoping to shoot up to Honolulu for the Worldwide Magic Convention.
Don't worry.
You'll notice I was gone.
It's only three 14-hour days.
So on our romantic getaway to help me forget about you skipping town on me, you're skipping town on me?! Look Quinn, you're very important to me, but you're sharing my heart with an equally important Miss.
Miss Direction.
What? H Shoot him.
So what did you order? Oh, just black coffee.
I like it that way, too.
Yeah, it just tastes better to me.
I find that if the coffee beans are good enough, you really don't need-- Why are you in a wedding dress?! Well, I'm sort of supposed to get married today.
All your friends and family are waiting for you in some church right now? Well, not all; we had five last-minute no-shows.
Well six.
Mazel tov, Ted.
I was starting to think this would never happen.
Oh, no, Mrs.
Matsen-- MRS.
MATSEN: I told you he wasn't gay.
Wait, what? I was tempted to leave Klaus for you last fall.
The only thing holding me back was the Robin of it all.
I know, and you were right, but but that's all over now.
She moved out-- I mean, we're still friends, but that's over.
All these years, I never stopped thinking about you, Ted.
I've got a car outside if you're ready to drive off into the sunset together.
But if you don't feel the same way, if you've closed the door on us, just say the word and I'll go.
Barney, tell them the trick.
The only person I could possibly reveal the trick to is another magician.
Well, I'm a magician.
Prove it.
Whoo-hoo! (gasps) NARRATOR: That's Barney's version.
Quinn said it was a simple card trick.
Who's to say which version was true? Quinn's.
Quinn's version was true.
Okay.
I'll tell you.
Oh, that's really cool.
So what's the trick? I can't say.
Magician's Code.
(gasps): Ta-da da-da-da-da-da-da.
(cell phone ringing) Hello.
Why did you make me call Victoria? She's here in a wedding dress.
I'm the verge of ruining a wedding! And Mrs.
Madsen's friend thinks I'm gay, but let's put a pin in that till later.
Oh, my God.
Victoria's at the bar with Ted.
That's a seven.
And she's in a wedding dress.
That's a ten.
We got a ten! What are you gonna do? Where is she right now? So this dress, what's the cut? Are we talking princess, ball gown, column? Right, 'cause it's a federal crime to love weddings.
She's in the bathroom, which I guess takes forever with that giant poufy skirt thing.
Ball gown.
Thank you.
Four shots of tequila.
Ted, calm down.
Or not.
This is your chance to get the one who got away.
You want her, she wants you, what's the problem? The problem is Victoria's in the middle of a giant freak-out.
What if she winds up regretting this decision? She's going after Ted Mosby.
That's the best decision she's ever made.
There you go.
Whoa.
What was that? What? You said you wanted a picture of Baby Marvin's first outing.
Our baby's first outing was to a bar.
(gasps) I dribble Cuervo on Marv's soft spot.
Here she comes! Quick! Oh, yeah.
Eggshell or cream? Is it eggshell or cream? So.
You me riding off into the sunset.
Any thoughts? One question: FDR or Westside Highway, what's the quickest way to the sunset? Man, I wind up in these rooms a lot.
If we miss Hawaii because of this, guess who's not doing The Disappearing Salami anytime soon? I need to ask you both a few questions.
Let's start with you.
Name? Quinn Garvey.
Occupation? Unemployed.
Well, well, well.
Look who's keeping secrets now.
Sir, I'll tell you her occupation: stripper.
She insists she's proud of it, but apparently not proud enough to tell you.
Barney, I was going to surprise you with this on our trip, but I quit.
You did that for me? Yes.
And now that you know what I did for you, and how much I care for you, would you please show him the trick? Sorry.
Magician's Code.
Where should we go? Your place? My place? We could go on my honeymoon.
(laughs) Just kidding.
Although, it is paid for.
I know where we should go.
Where? Your wedding.
I'm taking you back.
I don't understand.
I thought you wanted this.
I do want this.
I've thought about you so many times.
What might have been But I got left at the altar, and it nearly killed me.
You're someone's fiancé, and I have to respect that.
So let's hit a motel, jam in a quickie, and get you back to your wedding.
(giggles) It's the right thing to do.
Some part of me needed to hear you say that running away together wasn't an option.
And now that I know that it's like I'm sobering up.
Is there any way that we can just pretend this never happened? This never happened.
Mr.
Flanagan wasn't banging my mom.
Well.
Your flight left.
We need to hold Mr.
Stinson for further questioning.
But you're free to go.
Maybe I should.
Wait! I'll show you the trick.
Sir! May I please have the silk handkerchief in your top left breast pocket? Well I don't have (chuckles) (clears throat) Sim salabi ma sim salabi ma (gasps) Relax, relax, it's part of the trick.
How did you get that through the X-Ray machine? No questions from the audience, please! (chanting nonsense syllables) What is that? Madam, may I please have the key on your necklace? Oh! (giggles) (beeping) Is that gonna explode? What? (screams) (coughing) Ahem.
(mock gasps) What? (loudly): Will you marry me? Yes.
(laughing) Come on, guys.
We're losing the light for Baby's Second First Outing.
NARRATOR: I hate to say it, but Robin nailed it.
(door closes) Hey.
Guys, we've got something to tell you.
Eight or higher, bro.
We're engaged.
That's a that's a ten.
We got another ten! Oh Wow, big day! Congratulations! Thank you.
How did this happen? Oh magic.
Oh.
Uh, not to ruin the moment, but apparently little Marvin is quite stunned by the news.
Well Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
Do you guys mind recounting this romantic tale next to a Diaper Genie? Oh, Marvin, you're about to hear your first love story! QUINN: Once up on a time, this creepy magic dude was boning Barney's mom It's our last chance to run away together.
Door's right there.
Yes, we'll start a new life.
Head for the border! Canada! Eh, Mexico.
Canada sucks.
Okay, well, you're one-quarter Canadian, so by that logic you one-quarter suck.
I'm 100% awesome and you know it.
Yeah, I do.
(clears throat) Look, I-I hope this isn't weird, or anything, because Barney I'm I'm really happy for you.
Really? I listen to the wind Really.
To the wind of my soul Where I'll end up well I think Only God really knows I've sat upon The setting sun But never never never You just drove right by the church.
I know.
I never wanted water once No, never, never, never I listen to my words But they fall far below The road to this day has had a few twists and turns, hasn't it? Yeah.
Just a few.
My heart wants to go In a weird way, it all makes sense, though, doesn't it? Yeah.
Yeah, it kind of does.
the devil's lake But never never Never never The bride wants to see me? No, never, never, never.
Baby come Papa gonna be am I Hospital must we get now Okay, there's like a four-hour wait at the valet stand.
Plus, we're in no shape to drive.
So, a car's out Wait, don't worry.
We'll take a cab to the train station.
MAN: Yeah, good luck getting a cab.
It's impossible because of the big thing.
NARRATOR: Kids, for the life of me, I can't remember what the big thing was in Atlantic City that weekend.
SON: Was it a cheerleading convention? NARRATOR: No, it was a porn convention.
Sci-fi convention? Eh, I can't remember.
We're stuck in Atlantic City! City of Atlantic stuck in are we.
How I Met Your Mother 7x23 The Magician's Code Okay, Lily, it's going to be fine.
We are not freaking out.
We are not freaking out! I feel calmer already.
Let's get you to the hospital.
Oh, I can't go yet.
I talked to Dr.
Sonya.
They won't admit me until my contractions are four minutes apart.
Okay, well, if you don't make it in time, I have got you covered.
When I was 13, my father caught me kissing a boy, so he sent me to our family's ranch for foaling season.
Once you see a baby horse erupt through that birth canal, you stop even touching yourself.
Anyway, I had skinny arms, so I got up there elbow deep.
I lost this watch birthing Blacky Okay, stop it.
I am not a farm animal.
(mooing) Oh, there we go.
Easy girl.
Sugar cube? (moaning) Oh, okay.
Ah, don't worry, Lil.
Some of us know what a woman actually needs at a time like this.
(panting) A kick-ass labor announcement e-mail.
and their best friend, embark on an incredible journey.
Lily's cervix is dilating, and we want you all to be part of its grand opening.
You are not sending that to anyone, ever.
So what I need right now is distraction from the pain.
Just tell me a story.
Uh, what story? I don't care.
Anything.
How about the worst cab ride ever? HOMELESS GUY: Clean your window for you? - No! Hey, get off my cab! (grunting) (blows landing) Oh! Oh, God! (loud thud) Oh! Ah! (Ted and Robin gasping) (both screaming) (screaming) We are not panicking! We are not panicking! Get on all fours; it widens your hind quarters.
Stop it! I am not a farm animal! But give me that sugar cube.
Okay, listen, I am going to get you to that hospital or die trying.
And if I succeed, I ask only one thing in return.
Let me choose your child's middle name.
Because I have thought up the most awesome name of all time.
What's the middle name? Wait for it I'm waiting.
Wait for it I said I'm waiting.
Wait for it.
What's the middle name? No, the middle name is "Wait For It.
" Let's say his first name is, oh, I don't know, Barney.
He'd be Barney "Wait For It" Eriksen.
How awesome is that? That is the coolest middle name of all time.
I know! Okay, listen.
I have a plan to get us to New York.
All we have to do is get our hands on that motorcycle.
And I know just the way to do it.
(both sigh) (phone rings) Here.
Oh.
Hi, Judy.
Oh, good.
You got the e-mail from Ted.
No, I am not worried my city hips are too narrow, and-and your grandson's going to get stuck.
I got to go.
I thought you deleted that stupid e-mail.
Okay, I sent it by accident.
She like it? Yes! Just keep telling me stories! Okay, okay, I got one for you: second base with Neil Young.
Um, (chuckles) I don't normally go to, um, second base and tell, but I just spent a magical night with Neil Young.
(whispers): He's still in my room.
Seriously? Oh, my God.
Be quiet, don't scare him off.
(clears throat) He-Hey Robin Yeah.
That's not Neil Young.
Oh, God.
(both laughing) Oh, we're busting apple bags? I can bust apple bags.
Ted, remember when we were dating and we threw that party and one of those appetizers just didn't sit right? Ah doesn't sound familiar.
I call this story "Ted and the Cuban Sandwich Crisis.
" (toilet flushes) ROBIN: Ted came out of that bathroom looking like Joe Frazier after the Thrilla in Manila.
Oh, what is that smell!? Ugh! So I, being a great girlfriend, tried to help him out.
You guys are all crazy; I don't smell anything.
Anyway, uh, who wants to go up on the roof? ROBIN: But then She, who denied it, supplied it.
Yeah, must have been that Cuban sandwich, huh, babe? (both chuckle) That was not cool, Ted.
Contraction! That wasn't cool, Ted? (grunting): Just keep going with the stories.
I don't even care if I've heard it before.
Just tell me, uh, "Where Does That Door Go?" Okay.
Hey, I've never noticed that door before.
I wonder where it goes.
Ted.
Ted.
No, no, no, let him let him Wow Don't No Robi.
Oh Wow (cell phone rings) Dad, oh, good.
Let me guess, you got Ted's e-mail.
I'm on my way, Princess.
Dad, wait, no, not Damn it, Ted.
I was okay with you e-mailing my aunt, my cousins, and your cousins, and the guy that Robin thought was Neil Young.
But my father is the absolute worst person to have around in any sort of medical situation.
LILY: When I was seven, I needed to have my tonsils out.
Daddy, I'm scared.
Aw, Princess, I would be too.
I've researched this surgery.
Anything can happen.
You could bleed to death you could have your jaw removed due to infection, and the anesthesia could suddenly just stop working, much like your mom's and my marriage.
(laughing) You do know that we're getting a divor Don't worry about it.
We'll talk about it after the surgery.
Calm down, girl.
(panting) Okay, for the last time, I am not Actually, keep going.
Okay, I admit the whole "win a motorcycle plan" was stupid.
Especially because we've been playing on the wrong machine.
BARNEY: New plan: Meet me at the entrance in five minutes.
(engine revs) Hop on, Marshall.
Tonight, we ride! You won that? Not exactly.
You see, I Get off! (grunting) I hope Marshall's close.
Cube me.
I'm on my way, Lily Pad.
NARRATOR: Kids, your Uncle Marshall has faced many challenges in his life.
But he still considers getting up these two steps when he was this drunk to be the hardest one of all.
Tell me a Marshall story.
I miss him.
Got it.
"The Tale of the Cursed Pants.
" Hey, guys.
(chuckles) So, I'm starting worry about these pants.
Starting to? No, ever since I got them, terrible things have been happening to me: I stubbed my toe, I missed my train You put on the pants.
(all chuckle) And then the lady at the thrift store said that for years, no one so much as tried them on.
Can you believe that? Yes.
You know what this means? These pants are cursed.
What's this in the pocket? A clue.
TED: Marshall had the writing translated.
It led him deep into the heart of Chinatown.
(gasps) It is you.
The One has arrived.
Dry cleaning, $21.
50.
I remember that suit.
He looked like a little kid's imaginary friend.
(chuckles) Where is he?! NARRATOR: Now, Uncle Marshall knew he had only one chance of getting out of Atlantic City: bribing a cab driver.
Machine that gives money! (chuckles) NARRATOR: Now, Marshall was pretty drunk, but he swears the ATM started to do this.
(video game sound effect) (beeps) (laughing) AUTOMATED VOICE: Stop hitting me.
Just for that, you're never getting home for the birth of your son.
(shredding sounds) No!! What's up, bro? Wait, how did you with the security? I'll explain.
(grunts) Tell me why we shouldn't call the authorities right now? Go ahead, call 'em.
But first, can you show me the rule that says you can't drive a motorcycle on the casino floor? (chuckles) It's not in here.
NARRATOR: And, kids, that sign is still there to this day.
When I came out, I ran into this guy.
Two seats just opened up on his bus to New York! Barney, you're a genius! Plus, here's the best part.
This Quinn thing is probably done, so I'm basically single.
He said the bus is full of hot college seniors.
Okay, maybe he didn't say "college.
" Or "hot.
" I miss Quinn.
(groans) What is taking Marshall so long? Salt lick? Just finish the door story! Oh, wow.
I don't like this.
(groaning) Okay, okay, that's four minutes! We're going to the hospital.
W-Wait, but Marshall's not here yet.
I can't go to the hospital without Marshall! I'm on it.
Lily, spread your legs.
I'm gonna see if we can see the hooves-- uh, the-the snout-- uh, the head.
Here we go.
Take me to the hospital now.
Okay.
Come on, come on.
Excuse me, sir.
My wife is in labor, and I really need to get to Saint Marcus Hospital.
So where exactly in New York does this bus drop off? Buffalo.
What do you mean I can't have an epidural? You're too far along.
Things are moving much faster than expected.
Look, if your hands are tied medically, just leave the epidural on the table and walk away.
Don't worry.
The baby slide right out, huh? It's like a whoosh.
(chuckles) Like a waterslide.
(screaming) Slightly painful waterslide.
(sobbing) Tell me a story now! Uh Uh Oh! Remember the time Barney tried to pick up girls as the Terminator? Yes.
(Ã la Schwarzenegger): Come with me if you want to bang.
Another.
Oh, uh, Ted and the freakishly long arm hair! No, I disagree, because the filling-- It depends on what you're eating, right? If it's Whoa.
What the? ROBIN and MARSHALL: Whoa.
(groaning) The debunking of the freakishly long arm hair.
Wait, it's-it's just a thread.
I was jealous, okay? Barney's getting all the attention today with this Terminator thing.
Huh.
Can't believe I'm not getting laid in this thing.
Maybe I need to pick a different part of the movie.
(high-pitched screaming) Tell me another story! Oh, hey, we never finished "Where does that door go"" Come on.
Let's check it out.
You know what, baby, they're gone.
It's time for us to move on.
L-Lil Oh, my God.
(screaming) New story! Uh, the time we tested if banana peels are really slippery.
Yes.
Ready? There's no way that's really slippery.
(grunts) Ow! Ow! Ow! Uh, the Halloween we decided to go as The Breakfast Club, but failed to coordinate our costumes! Uh Does Oh.
(groans) (sighs) Really? I mean, you live with me, Lily.
Yeah, that was funny.
Keep going! Oh, uh, uh the-the time Barney saved a woman's life.
Ready? There's no way that's really slippery.
(grunts) (screaming) Uh, the time Lily went into labor! That's now! Sorry, I'm running out of stories.
Forget it! They're not working anymore! Okay, Lily, I know this isn't how you imagined it, but I want you to know that I am here for you and I am rock solid! Oh, I can see its head.
Oh, thank God, Dr.
Sonya! You! Get that thing out of my delivery room! Weak women disgust me.
All right, Lily, legs up! We push now, yes?! I can't.
Marshall's not here yet.
Lily! If you don't push, I will shove that baby up your throat and pull it out of your mouth! (screaming) Where the hell is Marshall?! I can't do this without Marshall! NARRATOR: Kids, sometimes the universe sends exactly what you ask for.
Other times, it sends Lily's dad.
(groaning): Oh Remember the time you had your tonsils out? Yeah, yeah.
You scared the crap out of me.
Yes, I did, didn't I? (laughs) Oh, my.
But do you remember what happened next? And don't worry, Princess, if you permanently lose the ability to speak, we'll give you a chalkboard.
You can hang it around your neck on a little string.
Nurse, I don't know who this strange man is.
Security! What are you talking about? I'm your daddy.
What do you mean Hey, fellas, come on! I woke up in a Dumpster of medical waste, and I couldn't have been prouder.
Because, much like that Dumpster, you had a lot of guts.
And you've used that bravery every day of your life.
With or without Marshall.
You're having this baby.
Thanks, Dad.
That story actually helped.
Oh, good, I'm glad.
And, you know, few women have vaginal tearing severe enough to need surgical reconstruction Security! Oh, come on.
That's not necessary.
Sweetheart, please Oh, fellas, come on.
Please, sir, all you have to do is take the next exit to Manhattan.
You'll be back on the road in 20 minutes.
I already told you, I'm not allowed to stop.
Sir, this man is having a baby tonight.
And instead of going to Saint Marcus Hospital, we're going to Buffalo.
And I've seen women from there; the city's aptly named.
Look, I'm a screwup.
I had something special with this girl Quinn, and I ruined it.
But this guy-- he's done everything right.
He's been loving and devoted since he was 18 years old.
There are only a few truly great people on this planet, and he is one of them.
He deserves to be at the birth of his son.
So what do you say? Unless there's an emergency, I'm not allowed to stop, so sit down, watch Cocoon 2 and shut up.
I'm sorry, buddy, I tried.
NARRATOR: And then, something wonderful happened.
I'm having a heart attack! I'm having a heart attack! I'm having a heart attack! And my doctor is at Saint Marcus Hospital! MAN: So is mine! Mine, too.
And my son is head of Cardiology.
ALL: We know! Push! I wish Marshall were here! (panting): I'm here, baby.
Marshall! I don't know why I passed out.
I have delivered 12 perfectly healthy babies, and one of them was even human.
Well, it's different when it's someone you love.
When that head was coming out of your best friend.
Oh, stop.
I'm feeling woozy again.
Don't.
Salt lick? In return for him getting me here, I may have promised Barney that our son's middle name will be Wait For It.
I can't wait, just-- what is the name? The name is Wait For It.
(screaming) That is the coolest middle name of all time! Look, um, I know things have been weird between us the last few months, but Marshall and Lily are having a baby.
Yeah.
And, you know, I want this baby to be born into a world where we're okay.
So, friends? I love you, Robin.
Kidding.
You Friends.
You (both laugh) Guys, great news from down the hall.
One dollar, two bags of gummy bears! It's like, I don't even care what happens for the rest of the day.
I Hey.
Well, guys, uh (sighs) I'm a dad.
(laughs): Oh, my God! (cheering) Everybody, this is Marvin.
We named him after my pop.
Tell them the full name.
Marvin Wait For It Eriksen.
That is the coolest middle name of all-time.
Totally.
You were born into a strange world Like a candle, you were meant to share the fire I don't know where we come from, I don't know where we go But my arms were made to hold you So I will never let you go 'Cause you were born To change this life, you were born.
How I Met Your Mother 7x24 The Magician's Code, pt2 (exhales) ALL: Boo! (screams) NARRATOR: Which brings us to the story of a wedding day that went horribly wrong.
Ted, the bride wants to see you.
Uncle Barney was getting married.
How the hell did we get there? I love the name Marvin.
Marv.
Sounds like a little middle-aged man.
(chuckling) Golf next weekend, Marv? How's that tax report coming, Marv? At your age, erectile dysfunction is nothing to be ashamed of, Marv.
It was a beautiful moment.
But then a thought popped into my head, kids.
The same thought that will pop into your heads the first time you see your best friend holding their baby.
(staple gun clicks) Wonder how much this would hurt.
(chuckles) (staple gun clicks) (screaming) That guy's a dad.
(screaming) (baby crying) Oh, I think he's hungry.
Oh, we'll give you some privacy.
Wow.
Seeing them in there all together like that, they're a family, you know? That's what I want.
Oh, Ted, I'm glad we're friends again.
Me, too.
Because as your friend, I have to tell you: You're full of crap! You say you want a family, you say you want to meet "The One," but you are always chasing the wrong women.
That is not true.
Look at the women you date, starting with me: I told you right away I didn't want marriage or kids.
Stella had a child with another man who she still loved.
Zoey was married and trying to sabotage your career and wore a lot of stupid hats.
If you really wanted a family, you would stop pursuing women you know that there is no future with.
Okay, first of all, hats were in that year, kind of.
Secondly, I don't always choose women there's no future with, kind of.
Name one exception.
Victoria.
TED: Victoria was great.
Exactly, and you threw it all away to chase after some hot piece of ass.
(scoffs) You mean you? Thank you! Victoria is the only woman you've dated who could've been "The One.
" You should call her.
Tiny thing, last time I saw her, she was getting engaged.
That was eight months ago.
For all you know, she's single again.
What if she's married? What if she's not? Then you would actually have a chance to get what you say you want, and it terrifies you.
Why? Because if I stole a scalpel and I cut you open, all I would find inside is a scared, trembling pile of crap.
See, I've missed these talks.
Oh, me, too.
Yeah.
Whoa.
What's wrong? (sighs) I ruined things with Quinn.
I insisted she stop stripping, we got in a huge fight about it, then I ran off to Atlantic City for two days without calling.
What the hell am I coming home to? Let's have an eight-way with my six hottest stripper friends.
Um, how is that a punishment? Wait for it.
But I forbid you from filming it with your overhead camera that zooms in on whoever's being the loudest.
Nooooo! (shudders) No, that's too cruel.
Or, you know, maybe Quinn's moved out.
I didn't even think of that! (sighs) Hi.
Welcome home.
I decided the place was a bit too "American Psycho" for me, so while you were gone, I hired a decorator and I asked him, "What would the inside of Tinkerbell's vagina look like?" And the kid just ran with it! So what do you think? Thank God you're still here! Welcome home.
NARRATOR: Lily and Marshall asked Robin to be the photographer for Baby Marvin's Birth Announcement card instead of me.
Whatever.
The only problem? (camera snapping) These are terrible, Robin! Hey, it is not easy getting a good shot cooped up in this apartment! See, two different styles: I make compositions, Robin makes excuses.
Click! Photo burn! Okay.
How about this? Tomorrow, we go to Central Park at sunset and we get the perfect picture in the perfect setting.
Oh, I like that.
It'll be Marvin's first outing into the world.
You're gonna love the park, buddy.
It's a great place to meet chicks.
Or-or dudes.
Or both.
Oh, we love you no matter what! NARRATOR: And kids, as I watched your Aunt Lily hold her baby boy, another thought popped into my head.
Even though you didn't buy anything, I want to thank you for coming in.
Here's a free teddy bear.
What are you gonna name the little guy? Six Pack.
Gun it, bitches! (engine revs) NARRATOR: That girl's a mom! (engine revving) (phone chimes) Okay, so I met this girl on the train, and I texted her, "What's up"" She texted, "Hey," exclamation point.
Does that mean, "Ask me out" or "Just" Ted, we are responsible for a whole other human life now, so new rule: You can't come to us with any issue unless it's an "8" or higher.
Got it.
So I'm thinking of texting back a winky smiley face.
Eight or higher, bro.
Well, no, what should I-- Eight or higher, bro.
No, yeah, I'm just wondering if-- Eight or higher, bro.
Well, where do you rate this? This is the same as what's in little Marvin's pants right now: a soft two.
Sorry, bro.
Stop texting the bimbo and call Victoria.
That chapter's over.
W-We just weren't destined to be together.
"Destined.
" Aren't you tired of waiting for destiny, Ted? Isn't it time to make your own destiny? Hey, false alarm.
What I was smelling was the previous poop, which, apparently, is still somewhere on my clothes and/or in my hair.
Hold him, would you? Oh.
Here.
Ooh.
Yeah, smart.
(shutter clicking) Oh, sure, that one turns out great.
Ugh.
NARRATOR: And then another thought popped into my head: That guy's nowhere near being a dad.
(line ringing) VICTORIA: Hello? Hey, Victoria, it's Ted.
Um, listen, I was just wondering if you wanted to catch up sometime; it's been a while.
That sounds nice.
I'm actually around this afternoon.
Oh, wow, uh, great.
MacLaren's at 2:00? Is 1:30 okay? I might have a thing later.
Yeah.
Yeah.
See you then.
See you then.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Barney and Quinn were off to Hawaii for their first getaway as a couple.
Ma'am, I need you to open your suitcase.
(sighing): It's mine.
Did you have to replace my luggage, too? Run away on me again, you'll be wearing hot pink stilettos.
What's that? Yeah, what is that? It's a magic trick.
You see, I'm something of a magician.
Open the box, sir.
(laughing): Oh, I can't do that.
(barking) Sir, are there drugs in that box? Oh, no.
He's probably just barking because of the explosives.
(gasps) Oh, my God! Tell us what's in the box right now! I can't.
Magician's Code.
TED: Okay, I need to figure out if Victoria ever got engaged.
I'll have to very subtly check for an engagement ring.
Hmm, can't see the left hand.
Open the box now! I can't.
Magician's Code.
What the hell is the Magician's Code?! "A magician never reveals his tricks.
" Mr.
Flanagan, my magic mentor from the hallowed Staten Island Mall Magic Shop, taught me the importance of the Code one fateful autumn night in 1993.
Always good to tell a long story while people are aiming guns at you.
'Twas a night which would changed my life (thudding) Hello? Mr.
Flanagan.
Wh-What are you doing here? Um I'm checking up on you.
Just to make sure you're practicing your craft or whatever.
That is an honor, sir.
And yeah, I promise, I'm practicing.
But wait.
Why were you, why were you going in my mom's room? Uh your mom's actually helping me with a new trick.
That is so cool! What is this trick? Is it sawing a lady in half? (wry chuckle) Well, not sawing.
But actually, the Magician's Code forbids me from telling you anything else about the trick.
LORETTA: Wayne, come back to bed! Okay, it involves a bed.
W-W-Wait.
Can you at least tell me the name of this trick? Sure, kid.
It's called-- The Disappearing Salami.
Mr.
Flanagan's wife shot him before he could ever tell me what the trick was.
Yeah, that guy was banging your mom.
Yup.
Totally.
Mr.
Flanagan was not ban-- Oh, my God, he was.
Wait, why are you bringing a magic trick to Hawaii anyway? I was hoping to shoot up to Honolulu for the Worldwide Magic Convention.
Don't worry.
You'll notice I was gone.
It's only three 14-hour days.
So on our romantic getaway to help me forget about you skipping town on me, you're skipping town on me?! Look Quinn, you're very important to me, but you're sharing my heart with an equally important Miss.
Miss Direction.
What? H Shoot him.
So what did you order? Oh, just black coffee.
I like it that way, too.
Yeah, it just tastes better to me.
I find that if the coffee beans are good enough, you really don't need-- Why are you in a wedding dress?! Well, I'm sort of supposed to get married today.
All your friends and family are waiting for you in some church right now? Well, not all; we had five last-minute no-shows.
Well six.
Mazel tov, Ted.
I was starting to think this would never happen.
Oh, no, Mrs.
Matsen-- MRS.
MATSEN: I told you he wasn't gay.
Wait, what? I was tempted to leave Klaus for you last fall.
The only thing holding me back was the Robin of it all.
I know, and you were right, but but that's all over now.
She moved out-- I mean, we're still friends, but that's over.
All these years, I never stopped thinking about you, Ted.
I've got a car outside if you're ready to drive off into the sunset together.
But if you don't feel the same way, if you've closed the door on us, just say the word and I'll go.
Barney, tell them the trick.
The only person I could possibly reveal the trick to is another magician.
Well, I'm a magician.
Prove it.
Whoo-hoo! (gasps) NARRATOR: That's Barney's version.
Quinn said it was a simple card trick.
Who's to say which version was true? Quinn's.
Quinn's version was true.
Okay.
I'll tell you.
Oh, that's really cool.
So what's the trick? I can't say.
Magician's Code.
(gasps): Ta-da da-da-da-da-da-da.
(cell phone ringing) Hello.
Why did you make me call Victoria? She's here in a wedding dress.
I'm the verge of ruining a wedding! And Mrs.
Madsen's friend thinks I'm gay, but let's put a pin in that till later.
Oh, my God.
Victoria's at the bar with Ted.
That's a seven.
And she's in a wedding dress.
That's a ten.
We got a ten! What are you gonna do? Where is she right now? So this dress, what's the cut? Are we talking princess, ball gown, column? Right, 'cause it's a federal crime to love weddings.
She's in the bathroom, which I guess takes forever with that giant poufy skirt thing.
Ball gown.
Thank you.
Four shots of tequila.
Ted, calm down.
Or not.
This is your chance to get the one who got away.
You want her, she wants you, what's the problem? The problem is Victoria's in the middle of a giant freak-out.
What if she winds up regretting this decision? She's going after Ted Mosby.
That's the best decision she's ever made.
There you go.
Whoa.
What was that? What? You said you wanted a picture of Baby Marvin's first outing.
Our baby's first outing was to a bar.
(gasps) I dribble Cuervo on Marv's soft spot.
Here she comes! Quick! Oh, yeah.
Eggshell or cream? Is it eggshell or cream? So.
You me riding off into the sunset.
Any thoughts? One question: FDR or Westside Highway, what's the quickest way to the sunset? Man, I wind up in these rooms a lot.
If we miss Hawaii because of this, guess who's not doing The Disappearing Salami anytime soon? I need to ask you both a few questions.
Let's start with you.
Name? Quinn Garvey.
Occupation? Unemployed.
Well, well, well.
Look who's keeping secrets now.
Sir, I'll tell you her occupation: stripper.
She insists she's proud of it, but apparently not proud enough to tell you.
Barney, I was going to surprise you with this on our trip, but I quit.
You did that for me? Yes.
And now that you know what I did for you, and how much I care for you, would you please show him the trick? Sorry.
Magician's Code.
Where should we go? Your place? My place? We could go on my honeymoon.
(laughs) Just kidding.
Although, it is paid for.
I know where we should go.
Where? Your wedding.
I'm taking you back.
I don't understand.
I thought you wanted this.
I do want this.
I've thought about you so many times.
What might have been But I got left at the altar, and it nearly killed me.
You're someone's fiancé, and I have to respect that.
So let's hit a motel, jam in a quickie, and get you back to your wedding.
(giggles) It's the right thing to do.
Some part of me needed to hear you say that running away together wasn't an option.
And now that I know that it's like I'm sobering up.
Is there any way that we can just pretend this never happened? This never happened.
Mr.
Flanagan wasn't banging my mom.
Well.
Your flight left.
We need to hold Mr.
Stinson for further questioning.
But you're free to go.
Maybe I should.
Wait! I'll show you the trick.
Sir! May I please have the silk handkerchief in your top left breast pocket? Well I don't have (chuckles) (clears throat) Sim salabi ma sim salabi ma (gasps) Relax, relax, it's part of the trick.
How did you get that through the X-Ray machine? No questions from the audience, please! (chanting nonsense syllables) What is that? Madam, may I please have the key on your necklace? Oh! (giggles) (beeping) Is that gonna explode? What? (screams) (coughing) Ahem.
(mock gasps) What? (loudly): Will you marry me? Yes.
(laughing) Come on, guys.
We're losing the light for Baby's Second First Outing.
NARRATOR: I hate to say it, but Robin nailed it.
(door closes) Hey.
Guys, we've got something to tell you.
Eight or higher, bro.
We're engaged.
That's a that's a ten.
We got another ten! Oh Wow, big day! Congratulations! Thank you.
How did this happen? Oh magic.
Oh.
Uh, not to ruin the moment, but apparently little Marvin is quite stunned by the news.
Well Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
Do you guys mind recounting this romantic tale next to a Diaper Genie? Oh, Marvin, you're about to hear your first love story! QUINN: Once up on a time, this creepy magic dude was boning Barney's mom It's our last chance to run away together.
Door's right there.
Yes, we'll start a new life.
Head for the border! Canada! Eh, Mexico.
Canada sucks.
Okay, well, you're one-quarter Canadian, so by that logic you one-quarter suck.
I'm 100% awesome and you know it.
Yeah, I do.
(clears throat) Look, I-I hope this isn't weird, or anything, because Barney I'm I'm really happy for you.
Really? I listen to the wind Really.
To the wind of my soul Where I'll end up well I think Only God really knows I've sat upon The setting sun But never never never You just drove right by the church.
I know.
I never wanted water once No, never, never, never I listen to my words But they fall far below The road to this day has had a few twists and turns, hasn't it? Yeah.
Just a few.
My heart wants to go In a weird way, it all makes sense, though, doesn't it? Yeah.
Yeah, it kind of does.
the devil's lake But never never Never never The bride wants to see me? No, never, never, never.