Roseanne s07e25 Episode Script

Hey, everybody.
Thanks for coming.
What's up, Dad? Why did you call us? We just got back from the doctor's, and I wanted to talk about your mom and the baby.
Something wrong? No, no.
Oh, man.
I bet she's gonna do one of those home birth deals, and we all have to watch.
No, it's not that.
It's just that Roseanne is pregnant.
Dan, we knew that.
Yeah, maybe the doctor didn't, though.
You know, maybe, uh, he thought she was just, you knowbig.
No, see, the problem is Roseanne is still pregnant, and she will be for another couple of months When the hell are we gonna get a gun? and she's not real happy about it.
Well, Beck those cinder blocks behind our trailer, they ain't gonna stack themselves, so-- Yeah.
Sit down, Mark.
Now, Mrs.
Conner is going through something called "nesting.
" See, pregnant women always want to make their homes as comfortable as possible for the new baby.
All right, I got jobs for you people.
Do what you're told, you won't get hurt.
Though in Mrs.
Connor's case, her role is mostly supervisory.
See, we need to fix this place up for the new baby.
It's a pig sty, and this baby is used to four-star accommodations.
You've done a great job at keeping it up, honey.
Shut up, Dan.
All right, I want fresh flowers in every window.
Mark, that's for you.
Uh, what kind of flowers? Green on one end and colored on the other.
Need new shelf paper.
Becky, you're really good at not dropping stuff, so that's yours.
Vacuuming and dusting, that's DJ.
Ah, man! Why me? Because I don't care about vacuuming and dusting.
[doorbell rings.]
And then we need some healthy stuff around here.
Fruits and vegetables.
Jackie, that's for you.
Got it.
And, uh, you might as well pick me up some instructions on how to cook those things.
And, uh, then I want the whole place to smell better-- Dan.
David.
Uh, well, I guess maybe I could simmer a little spring-rain potpourri in a diffuser.
[door closes.]
Okey-dokey.
Dad, you got a registered letter.
Uh-uh.
Oh, my God.
No, Dan.
Not any bad news.
Not now.
You're right.
This is a very bad time for bad news.
We can open this later.
It's probably just my seed catalog.
Anyway, hon, you were, uh, giving out instructions? Give me that.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Oh, my God.
Oh, whatever it is, baby, we can get through it together, or I could bear the brunt of it.
We've been picked to be a Nielsen family.
Oh, Roseanne! Oh, that's so much power.
Oh, it is, man, and I am ready for it, too, I'll tell you what.
Two weeks from now, you're gonna see Bryant Gumbel spinning plates in Vegas.
All righty, Mr.
and Mrs.
Conner, you are all hooked up.
As of this moment, you are officially a Nielsen family.
Do you hear that, Dan? We are smack-dab in the white-hot center of show biz.
Hold me.
For the next year, that box will monitor everything your family watches.
and your viewing habits will effect the lives of millions of other people.
Man, this must be what it feels like to vote.
Now, I just want to verify some of the answers you put here on your questionnaire.
I see that you both graduated from high school, but did either of you go to college? No.
No, but we did egg a college once.
And your children? Sat in the car.
No, no, no.
It's just I see two of them are at least 18.
Did they graduate high school? Nope.
David graduated.
That's right.
Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, but he's not our kid.
He lives in the basement.
Came with the house.
Why you gotta ask all this stuff? Well, the advertisers not only like to know how many people watch certain programs, but also what type of people they are.
Uh-huh, and, uh, what type of people are we? Oh, you're a fine, fine type of people, like many of the people from this type of neighborhood.
Large households, modest income, required education only.
Are you calling us stupid? Dan, he's calling us stupid.
He is? Uh, n-no.
We don't think of any of our viewers as stupid.
Really, uh, look, if there's a problem, we can just call this off.
Honey? No, I wanna be a Nielsen family.
Our whole lives have been building towards this.
Good.
Thank you so much for participating.
If you have any questions, there's an 800 number behind the box.
That means the call is free.
Yeah, we know what it means.
Anyway, just go on doing what you're doing.
Watch TV like you always do.
Huh, if that means "all the time," consider it done.
Great.
Thanks.
Hot dog! Time to down a sixer and help shape the culture of America.
Do you believe that, Dan? They think we're dumb hicks.
They just wanna hook up some poor, uneducated slobs, so the country has somebody to blame America's Funniest Home Videos on.
So what? They're paying us See that little box there, Dan? That there Nielsen box is a conspiracy.
Yeah, that's what you said when they added blue diamonds to Lucky Charms.
No, see, they wanna make sure that people like us watch crap like tractor pulls and Jerry Springer, you know, so the advertisers can sell us all this stuff that we don't really need.
And then they take our money, and they give it to these right-wing Washington politicians that cut school lunches and all these other budget cuts, you know, to make sure that people like us have no choice but to stay people like us.
And who the hell wants to be us? Can we still watch Montel? No.
We are not gonna watch nothin' but PBS and the Discovery Channel and that other smart crap.
We'll show them.
I understand, uh, they've got news on everyday at six.
I'll tell you what, five bucks on the winner.
** [new age.]
I don't like to bet on these things.
Come on.
It'll make it more interesting.
Okay, I'll take the big one.
Sucker.
A wolf fighting a moose? That's no contest.
How come we're not watching the Bulls? I told you he was a sucker for the nature programs.
Come on, Roseanne, the guys are gonna be over here soon and they all wanna watch the playoffs.
What are you talking about? This is sudden death.
Don't just stand there.
Fight back.
[moose bawls on TV.]
Keep your head down.
Use your antlers for God's sake.
Oh! It's protecting its young! Fixed.
This idiot! Stupidest moose in North America.
All right.
Good.
He's dead.
Now can we turn on the game? Or do we still have to impress this Nielsen guy? Hey, it's not just for him, Dan.
I want a better environment for our kid.
Look at the other three kids we got off of watching WrestleMania.
Do we really have anything to lose? Fine.
When the kid's six, we'll start watching the brainy crap.
I happen to know that kids five and under enjoy the same programs as me.
No, Dan.
Oh your lips say no, but your eyes, they say-- How about that? Your eyes say no, too.
If you want to watch the game, go over to Fred's, but don't blame me if we grow apart intellectually.
All right.
Won't be as much fun as watching with you.
I'll try to get by.
I would rather not have Dan and his friends over at my house.
Why? You don't have to worry about Dan.
He just got a new flea and tick collar, and he just got wormed.
Not me, it's Fred.
Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred.
You know how he can be.
Or do you have to spend understand what I mean? You know, I guess that honeymoon just never ended for you two, did it? Just doesn't want a bunch of people in his house touching his things, you know, moving something from here to there.
Talked about it in therapy.
It's one of his issues.
That's the way it is with men, Jackie.
They have that outer child.
I'll call the guys from Fred's.
Enjoy yourselves, ladies.
I'm off to spend time with a dumb TV.
You can't go.
Why not? They've renamed all the streets.
You'll never find it.
I think what Jackie's trying to say is that she would rather be hung up and bled like a hog than have you in her house.
Great.
Michael Jordan's back in basketball, but William F.
Buckley is live from Yale.
[chuckles.]
Don't even think about it, Dan.
I'm quicker than I look.
Let's play keep way, kind of like with Mom and her Midol.
[chuckles.]
Oh! Oh! [squeals.]
So much for that family of kittens.
Hello.
It's a surprise visit from your mother.
Are you shocked? Well, my pulse just dropped severely, and all my systems have started to shut down, so yeah, I think that is shock.
I was doing a little redecorating, digging through some old things, and I thought perhaps you might like to have your old baby quilt.
Thanks.
Well, actually, though, that's the quilt the dog died on.
Hello, ladies.
Beverly.
What are you doing? I'm gonna fix the couch.
When I get done, it'll be as good as new.
This couch is pretty old and ratty.
Why don't you just throw it out? Well, around here we don't throw things out just 'cause they're old and ratty.
And I mean, hell, they can be old and ratty and annoying, and we still keep them around.
Oh, I see.
Well, perhaps I should just go.
You know, since I'm redecorating, I was gonna offer you my old sofa.
Oh, that would be great.
But maybe I shouldn't.
Perhaps that's the kind of thing you find annoying.
You're not annoying, Mom, when you're giving us stuff.
Rosie, can I talk to you in the kitchen? No.
I don't remember telling you you could talk to me in the living room.
Excuse us, Bev.
[sighs.]
If you don't want it, I'll donate it to my theater group.
They're doing Fiddler.
We are not taking her couch.
I can just as easily fix ours.
But she's right, Dan.
Our couch is ugly, and I want our baby to grow up in a nice house, or at least our house with nice stuff in it, or at least our house with crappy stuff in it and one nice couch.
Honey, you do this every time we have a new baby.
With Becky, you wanted new wallpaper.
Darlene, you wanted to get rid of the carpeting.
With DJ, you wanted to get rid of Darlene.
See? And I'm always right.
I don't want to take this couch and be more indebted to Bev.
It's bad enough we took that 10,000 from her.
Oh, come on.
That was over three years ago.
She has eaten dinner here at least five times since then, and one of them times was shrimp, so she owes us.
Okay, Mom, I vacuumed the whole house.
Can I eat at Ralph's now? No, we're all gonna eat in the living room like a family.
And look what we're having-- Peanut butter and bacon.
Are we watching PBS again? Yeah, but they have a show on tonight that the whole family can enjoy.
It's a documentary on beer making.
I don't wanna watch that.
It's in English.
You're making me hate TV! Hey! Don't you ever say that, not even in jest! All right.
Fine.
Go on.
But don't blame me if later in your life you cannot tell the difference between hops and malt.
Uh, Mom's not coming over with the couch, is she? No.
She won't ride in the back of the truck, and Dan won't let her sit on all his maps.
Just in case she does come over, don't tell her about me and Fred being in therapy.
You don't have to worry about it, Jackie.
I already told her.
How is that therapy going, anyway? I'm sick of it.
It's all this talk about feelings and boundaries and validations.
Last week we learned that Fred needs me to wash the dishes before they go in the dishwasher, because his sister threw his tricycle in the gully.
Well, why don't you give yourself a break? You know, just forget about therapy and all your problems, and go home and fix some romantic type of dinner.
I don't know.
I know.
I'm telling you, it really works.
It works for me and Dan.
There is not a man alive who won't fall madly in love with you after a fried bologna sandwich.
[Dan.]
Rosie, we got it! Okay, so where do you want it? Um, let's see.
Balanced on the banister? No, in the same place the other couch was.
Oh, it looks great.
[grunts .]
Yeah, and it's surprisingly comfortable for something made entirely of lead.
I gotta get out of here.
My back's killing me from carrying that ugly thing.
That's what we said when you used to live here.
You know what? I'm gonna take off.
I am gonna go give that romantic dinner idea a try.
Good for you.
Any suggestions on what I should wear? Weren't you listening when I told you? Fried bologna.
Ooh.
Looks like everyone's gone.
Just me and you and information about pilsners.
Come join me, my pet.
[groans.]
[sighs.]
Yeah, you sure were right about this couch.
It's comfy.
It's good lookin'.
After a couple of beers, it converts to a love seat.
What's wrong? I don't like this sofa.
I drove many miles and may have herniated a disk.
You love this sofa.
No, I don't.
It reminds me of Mom.
It looks like Mom.
It feels like Mom.
It smells like Mom.
It's just like sitting on Mom.
I think you'd like that.
Wait a minute.
[grunts.]
[exhales, clears throat.]
[sighs.]
[exhales.]
No, don't work.
Get it out of here.
Are you kidding? Burn it.
I can't.
Yeah, you can.
It's Mom's sofa.
It'll burst into flames if you just sprinkle some holy water on it.
Rosie, you gotta calm down.
Obviously, it's the hormones-- It is not my hormones, okay? It is a bad sofa, and now I know why Mom puts the plastic covers on it.
It's to keep the evil fresh.
Okay, okay.
Calm down.
Come on.
Don't.
We'll have it smelling like family in no time.
Come on.
All right.
Well, maybe you're right.
I am.
[exhales.]
But it isn't my hormones! No.
A new couch is a big change.
I mean, hell, it's an adjustment for me, and I just have tiny, insignificant guy hormones.
Sohave you thought of any names for the baby? I cannot believe that you would ask me that now, after I spend the day groveling to my mother, trying to save my sister's marriage, and hauling around your overgrown fetus inside my body.
Now that was my hormones! It's good.
Thanks.
It's pretty easy to make.
Uh-huh.
[sniffs, exhales.]
Can you pass the salt? Here.
You want some? The potatoes are kind of blah.
Nope.
No, thanks.
How's Andy today? Good.
Pretty good.
I think it's over, Fred.
Yeah.
I think so, too.
I'll pack tonight.
[sighs.]
What are you doing? I'm watching The Beverly Hillbillies.
Jethro is ciphering.
[chuckles.]
I love it when he does the "gazindas.
" "Four gazinda twelve three times.
"Two gazinda four two times.
Aught gazinda aught aught times.
" That's the one thing about the Clampetts, Dan.
No matter how much money they got, you know, the big house, the fancy eating table, the cement bond, they still love a good possum.
They're true to their roots.
Yeah.
How many of these have you watched? All of them.
They're having a Hillbillies marathon in honor of Buddy Ebsen's Channel 10 is rerunning the Barnaby Jones.
God bless Ted Turner.
Yep.
So What are you doing out here? Do you miss the old sofa? Mmm, yeah.
Now I understand why Granny made Jed build her that little cabin out in the back.
You know all that new stuff we got, Dan, and them fancy channels we're trying to watch now? I just don't think I can change to that classy lifestyle all at once.
Honey, a new couch and PBS isn't exactly a classy lifestyle.
I mean, I thought it would be cool to change for the sake of the baby and everything, but it isn't gonna happen.
We're white trash, and we will stay white trash till the day they haul us out to the curb.
Honey, I don't want you to change.
Part of the reason I love you is 'cause you're hill folk.
Like that old saying, "To thine own self be true.
" Well, I'll be damned.
That ain't Shakespeare, is it? You have been watching PBS.
Actually, I got it from a commercial.
"To thine own self be true.
[sing-song.]
Shop at Eddie's Subaru.
" Why don't we just move this couch back into the living room? Mm-hmm.
What about the one that Bev gave us? We'll put that out on the lawn up on cinder blocks.
I don't know.
Most folks around here don't have a sofa on their front lawn.
We don't wanna appear prideful in front of them that ain't have.
I got a better idea.
Why don't we sell that sofa? We won't tell Mom, and we will spend all that money on opossums and rheumatism medicine.
[Both.]
Reee-doggie! [Beverly Hillbillies theme.]