Roseanne s07e26 Episode Script

Hey, Dan, they were all out of broccoli so I got Frosted Flakes instead.
Hi, honey.
What? Show her.
Show me what? David.
Okay.
I, uh, I got this thing at school today.
Oh, man, I hate things from school.
The last thing was a note from the principal that said D.
J.
was selling my bras.
You're graduating? Yeah.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, yay! Ow, you're hurting me.
You're hurting me.
We totally had you going.
Somebody from this house graduating from high school! Man, I just never could have seen that coming.
Somebody from this house graduating high school.
Somebody from this house graduating high school! Did you hear that world? Somebody from this house is graduating high school! Quiet.
You'll attract gold-diggers.
Oh, Darlene, we are gonna have the biggest blowout ever.
We never got to do this with you or Becky.
You know, this is our last time to celebrate a high school graduation.
No, you still have D.
J.
Like I said, big blowout! We're really proud of you, son.
You can relax and take comfort in knowing you've done a fine, fine job.
Now, what are you gonna do for the rest of your life? I don't know.
But I think I have this next month figured out though.
I'm gonna do something with the money my mom sent me.
Well, that's nice, David.
I will think very fondly of your mother while I'm watching that big screen TV.
No, see, I'm thinking of going to Europe.
What? Long way to go to bring back a TV.
Man, I figured the only way any of you kids would ever get to go overseas is if you lucked out and they were having another war.
I'm just looking forward to finally seeing in person all of the art I've been studying in books.
They got art in Europe? You can just send me a postcard.
Darlene- Hey, David.
When you're over there, bring me back something real classy, you know, like one of them naked statues for out on the lawn.
Hey, are you mad or something? No, Pierre.
I'm delighted that you're gonna be in Europe all summer while I'm stuck here in Lanford in Chateau de Lard Ass.
It's just a month, Darlene.
I know, David, but we just got back together.
I mean, what if some other boy moves into the basement? I just think this is something I gotta do.
Well, here's something else you gotta do.
Learn the French translation of "No, this is my full height.
" Hey, David.
I thought your graduation ceremony was great.
I really loved that part where everyone threw them square hats with the tassels up in the air.
I know.
I just wish Mrs.
Conner would've asked me first.
I kind of wanted to do it.
Got to move quick around us.
You should know that.
You've eaten here.
What's going on? Just thinking about Europe.
Yeah? I often come out here and think about living over there.
I don't think I'm gonna go.
What? You were looking forward to it.
Yeah, it's just kind of stupid, you know? The young artist going to Paris to be inspired by famous paintings.
It's not stupid.
Some of the greatest paintings of all time have come from there.
Like that woman sitting in the chair, or them kids crying with the big eyes.
Well, I know.
It's just, I'm young, you know, and the art over there is so old.
David, what's this really all about? Are you nervous about leaving home? 'Cause, you know, technically this isn't your home.
Well, it's just, you know, Darlene and I are finally back together again, and- Oh.
Yeah, and I'm starting to think that maybe spending a month apart would be a mistake.
Well, being together is important, but a man needs time for his own thoughts.
That's why I put a lock on the bathroom door.
Yeah, but I'm thinking maybe I could just wait 'til we could both go together.
Really hate to see you pass this up, David.
You've got the time, you've got the money.
I've seen this before.
If you don't do this now, maybe you'll never do it.
I'll think about it.
Thanks, Mr.
Conner.
No problem.
Hey, have you ever traveled anywhere exotic? Can't say as I have, David.
Oh, yeah, wait.
One year on the way to Florida, me and Mrs.
Conner stopped off at Gator Village, watched a chicken dance on a hot plate.
Hey, Dan, is the stuff in the dishwasher clean or dirty? Dirty.
Oh.
Here.
No way! You're not working on that big heap of junk boat again, are you? What, are you gonna drag it out and work on it every six years? If I do it in my spare time and my own garage, who's it gonna hurt? You, and a lot.
You get rid of it.
I'm sorry.
I just can't do that for you.
Oh, it's amazing what you can do once I set my mind to it.
Well, well, well.
What have we here? A new saw, a pile of new wood, and some expensive, new, loud plug-in type of thing.
Well, I guess the new baby doesn't really need all those stupid shots anyway.
All that cost me, like, 150 bucks.
Yeah, and what's it gonna cost by the time it's finished? And you'd better figure that in bananas, because by that time apes will be running the world.
Including lumber, paint, tools, everything else I need to build a whole boat spread out over a couple of years, maybe a thousand bucks.
What? You got a kid in college, another one on the way and absolutely no savings.
I could really think of a better way to spend a thousand bucks, like you give me a thousand bucks.
Stop worrying.
Start dreaming a bit.
Now, now when all the kids are gone or "lost," we'll tow this baby down to Florida, set sail for the Caribbean, figure we'll stock her up with supplies for a couple of months, maybe get some of that imported beer.
Your snifter of suds, my love.
Hey, uh.
Where are we, anyway? Well, there's the north star, there's the Big Dipper, and there's the dock.
So, I would calculate we're about in the ocean.
Happy my pet? Oh, beyond happy.
Whacked out.
How this night possibly be any better? Ha, ha.
Oh, Dan, you thought of everything.
It's the pizza boat.
Oh, that is the stupidest, most ridiculous fantasy I've ever heard.
Except for the pizza boat part.
If you ever really finish this boat, and it ever actually floats, I'll tell you just what's going to happen.
We'll get lost, in say, the first three hours.
Then we'll run into a rock, and we'll end up shipwrecked on some deserted island in the middle of nowhere.
Wow! An uncharted desert island.
This wasn't on any of my maps.
Skipper! Over here, little buddy.
Abandon ship.
Pull yourself together, Gilligan.
We've got other passengers to think about.
Mr.
Howell, are you okay? Well, of course, Captain.
We Howells are made from a hearty stock.
My darling, are you all right? Yes, Thurston, I'm fine.
Ha.
Not you love, I was talking to the money.
Oh, boy, will you be a dear and help us with our luggage? Yes, rich lady.
Uh, Professor, do you have any idea where we are? I mean, I'm only asking 'cause you're so smart, and I'm just a dumb girl from the country with an amazing rack.
I don't know.
One thing's for sure.
Fixing that hole in that boat of ours is way beyond our technology.
Anyway, I'm gonna go find some leaves and twigs- Build us a dentist's office.
Hi, everybody.
I'm David.
Hi, David.
What am I doing here? I don't even like this show.
I wanted to be on Friends.
Well, the important thing is that everybody is okay.
Hey, where's that movie star? I hope she's all right.
She's so delicate.
Hey, nice driving, Ahab.
That was sure one fun Carnival Cruise, huh? Soon as we get rescued, I'm gonna strangle that bitch Kathie Lee.
And in other news, the year-long search for those castaways stranded in the South Pacific has been discontinued by the Coast Guard due to budget cuts and lack of interest.
I don't believe it.
Believe it.
Lost and forgotten.
I should have known better than to sign with William Morris.
I got problems of my own, Ginger.
Last night, Mr.
Howell asked me for a romantic moonlight stroll on the beach.
Hi-ho, Commodore.
How are you and your little buddy? You better be talking about Gilligan.
Come along, Thurston.
We don't want to be late to the crab races.
It's the sport of kings, you know.
Oh, boy! Hurry up with those crabs.
Coming, Mr.
Howell.
Aah! Here comes another Emmy.
Oh, boy, Mary Ann.
I love coconut pie.
Coconut, again? All we ever eat around here is coconut.
Isn't there some steak tree on this damn island? All right, here's a question.
How come I'm Mary Ann, anyway? I've never been to Kansas.
I've never been on a farm.
And I'm tired of everybody thinking you're prettier than me.
Deal with it, Dorothy.
Or else I'll use those pigtails to steer while I ride your hillbilly ass all over this island.
Where's the basement? I can't find the basement.
Hey, look, everybody.
We'll finally be able to leave the island.
I pieced together the windshield from the Minnow, and we can use that as a reflector to signal planes.
Skipper.
Skipper.
No! Gilligan! You better have a good reason for all of this.
I do.
I do.
It's just- Slow down, take a deep breath.
Let it out.
Now, what's going on, Gilligan? We're all gonna die, Skipper.
They say a typhoon's coming.
What are you talking about? The filling in my mouth picked up a radio signal from a Coast Guard cutter.
Listen.
Hey, I once did a love scene with Abe Vigoda, but I'm not going near your mouth.
Any minute now, a small uncharted island in the Pacific will be hit by a typhoon.
Did someone say tycoon? Yeah, that is exactly what they said.
Any minute now the island will be hit by a gigantic rich man.
No, no! Typhoon.
But what are the odds that it'll hit this island? The odds are good.
D'oh! I wouldn't really worry about that storm, Skipper.
Really? Why not? 'Cause that volcano is gonna finish us off first.
Hello, Club Med! I want my deposit back! If that volcano is erupting, then it's only a matter of minutes before- Whoa! Whoa! Earthquake! Earthquake! Calm down, little buddy.
Well, I guess the good news is that things couldn't get any worse.
So, it couldn't get any worse, eh, Gilligan? Oh, it could get way worse.
I just heard on the radio that Fox is doing my life story.
What's so bad about that? Four words: "Denny Dillon is Ginger.
" Dear diary, Europe isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Hey, tall dark and flesh-eating.
You're about the sexiest little cannibal I've ever seen.
I can do wonders for your career.
Trust me.
I've done it before, and with people less civilized than you.
Oogah booga booga! Ah, everybody is a critic.
Ginger, I think the only theater he's interested in is dinner theater.
Aah! You are so grounded.
I cannot believe I'm going to die like this.
I hope I give your whole village the trots.
Hold it.
Roseanne, that story is absolutely ridiculous.
There's no way that would happen in a million years.
Oh, yeah? That's the same thing you said about fat-free Fig Newtons.
The point is, we can sail around the world together, just the two of us.
No, face it, Dan.
We're marooned in this house, and nobody is ever gonna rescue us.
That goes for me, you, D.
J.
, the new baby, and the rest.
Fine.
I'll just smash it up, leave it on the curb for the garbage man to take it away.
No.
Don't smash it up.
Just leave it out there and hope for pirates.
Mom, I got apple stuck in my teeth, and we don't have any floss, and I don't feel like using the family toothbrush.
Well, here.
Use what I use when I got something stuck in my tooth.
What is it? Caramel.
Hey.
Well, I'll have a coffee with cream and the check, please.
I'm on my way to my job.
I'm a management trainee at the World of Pizza.
What? You're going to work at World of Pizza instead of going to Europe? Yeah.
Does your love of cheese know no bounds? You know, I thought about it, and I weighed the pros and cons, and I decided not to go.
Darlene Well, it was a stupid idea.
Why are you ruining this for him? Oh, come on, Mom.
I mean, everybody knows he'd have a terrible time.
It is a well-known fact that people from France hate people from Lanford.
And he was planning on backpacking.
I mean, he doesn't even own a backpack.
That's bull, Darlene.
Your father and I went to Las Vegas with two Hefty bags, and we were proud to do it.
Look, I just don't think that he should go.
Uh-huh.
What's that? This? It's a hair net.
I see.
Well, put it on.
Mrs.
Conner No, go ahead.
Put it on.
That is totally embarrassing.
He looks like an idiot.
You would prefer that he did this instead of going to Europe? I gotta go to work, Mrs.
Conner.
That's it.
No more discussions.
You know, over in France, they don't care if you wear a hair net or not except for under your arms.
He still wants to go.
Well, I don't want him to.
I mean, we just got back together, Mom.
Come on, you gotta give a guy his dreams.
Then he won't notice that you control his reality.
Just stay out of this, okay? Oh, Darlene.
Men have to do all this World of Pizza-type stuff their whole lives.
The only thing that keeps them going is hope.
So, no matter how stupid or ridiculous or idiotic their dreams seem- I'll be back.
Hey.
No, it isn't lumber yet.
Look it, um, well, I've been thinking and the truth of it is I'm actually very excited and looking forward to sailing off with you into the sunset.
What do you mean? Don't make me actually say it.
I can keep working on the boat? Yeah, but put it together out in the alley because I need the space in here so I can work on my jet.
Deal.
Thanks, babe.
Hey, Ginger.
What? Why don't you throw on a little sequin something and we'll play "find the buried treasure"? Only if you're up for a three-hour tour.
Hey, kids! Mom's home.
Pork rinds light? Hey, Jackie, what's going on out there? Where are you? What's taking you so long? Well, Roseanne, I hope you didn't strain yourself carrying that one bag.
So I'm glad you decided to let Dan, you know, keep working on his little project in the garage.
I mean, um, how much trouble can you get into on a boat, huh? Hi, Mrs.
Conner.
Have you seen my wife Becky? No, Mark.
She isn't in this episode.
Well, she said she needed some ice.
You guys have a recipe for that? Ah, I'm dumb.
Hey, hey, hey.
Darlene! This family sucks.
What's wrong, Darlene? I thought you'd be happy now that David's not going to Europe.
Ugh.
Aunt Jackie, you need to shave.
Hey, everybody.
Hi, David.
Hi, David.
We definitely watch too much TV.
Cut.
God, I love this new writing.
Where's my new writer? Sherwood.
Sherwood! Sherwood Schwartz? Yes, Roseanne? This script is great.
If it were a pie, I'd eat it.
Thanks, Rosie, but you can't stop a scene in the middle like that.
I'm the only one who can do that.
Oh, yeah? You're fired.
Give me the guy who wrote The Brady Bunch.
I'm afraid that's me, too.
Great.
You're hired again.
Welcome aboard.
Thank you.