Desperate Housewives s08e01 Episode Script

Previously on I wanna get things right this time.
Bree's relationship with detective Vance got serious.
What are we gonna say to people? Tom and Lynette decided to separate.
We shouldn't tell anyone until we tell the kids.
Oh, god.
The kids.
Sit down.
Ow! Gaby's stepfather returned to terrorize her again I remember those nights in your room, baby.
No! Stop.
Until Carlos stopped him permanently.
Gaby? What happened? - I killed him.
- And now he's gonna go to jail because he was trying to protect me.
Calm down.
We just need time to think.
We don't have time.
Yes, there was the dinner party.
Everybody's coming.
Including your boyfriend the detective.
I killed the son of a bitch who hurt my wife.
If I have to go to prison, I will.
That's not gonna happen.
Every hostess knows there's work to be done after the guests leave a party.
And only the best of friends will stay long after the party's over to help clean up the mess.
They help with the heavy lifting they work together to lighten the load.
They take on the most unpleasant tasks.
And, of course, there's no task more unpleasant than getting rid of an unwanted guest.
I should go move the car off the trail.
You gonna be okay? Is this happening? Are we really doing this? Everyone stay focused.
The hardest part is over.
Now all we have to do is fill this in.
Oh, my god.
I thought I got everything.
No.
No, you missed the phone.
And if you missed that, what else did you miss? Susan, it's gonna be okay.
How is it going to be okay? Someone is calling the dead guy.
- "Home.
" - See? He has a home with people who care about him, people who are going to come looking for him, leading them straight to us.
What do you want us to do? It's not too late.
We we could still go to the police.
And send my husband back to prison? This time for murder? No, not necessarily.
It was self-defense.
He broke into your house.
He threatened you.
We could explain that.
Yeah, then we can explain how we dumped him in a trunk, ate some cheesecake, and buried him in the woods! We are going to get caught.
People always get caught.
We can't do this.
We're not criminals.
We drive carpool.
That's enough.
This is a very bad man.
He attacked our friend, and her husband protected her, and now we are gonna protect them.
That means we tell no one.
Not the police not our families.
No one.
When we bury the body, we bury the secret forever.
Susan? Yes, it's only the best of friends who stay long after the party's over to help clean up the mess Even when that mess may be bigger than they bargained for.
It has been said that change doesn't happen overnight, but over the course of month, it's amazing how much the ground can shift beneath us.
A woman who helped conceal a crime is now sleeping with a detective.
A man who used to look forward to bedtime is now finding himself dreading it.
A woman who once told her husband everything is now keeping a terrible secret.
And a couple who have decided to separate is now going to great lengths to show that nothing has changed.
Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Aah! Son of a Hey, hey, hey, guys! Got up early, so I figured, what the heck? I'll go get your mom some coffee the good stuff.
She deserves it.
She needs it, too.
I didn't sleep last night.
But you would know that.
You were there.
Do not drink this.
It's been in my car for three days.
Where are your shoes, dad? It's casual friday.
Casual thursday.
Come on.
We're gonna miss the bus.
See ya later.
I'll see ya at dinner.
Love you.
God, I practically lost a toe out there.
It wouldn't have happened if you hadn't overslept.
Yeah, well, you know, you took the good alarm clock along with the good pillow and the house.
This is ridiculous.
We have to tell the kids we've separated.
We will, but this weekend is Gaby's big barbecue, and I don't wanna ruin it for them.
Yeah, and last weekend, you didn't wanna ruin the basketball tournament.
The weekend before that, Penny's birthday.
Come on, Lynette.
Are you sure this is about the kids? What else would it be? No, Tom, nothing's changed.
We still need time away from each other.
Yeah, I agree.
We got a lot of problems to work out, so why can't we tell the kids? I just think they deserve one more happy weekend before we tear this family apart.
You know what? You're Paige is up.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Don't take this the wrong way, but you could do this professionally.
Coming from a man who's on a first-name basis with half the hookers in Fairview, that's quite a compliment, detective.
Hey, I was thinking maybe this weekend, we could head up to that place in the mountains, just the two of us.
Oh, that sounds lovely, but Gaby is having her annual barbecue on saturday.
Am I invited? Of course you are.
Why wouldn't you be? Oh, I don't know.
Maybe because your friends don't like me.
What? You are imagining things.
It's true.
They don't talk to me.
They don't make eye contact.
It's been that way for weeks, ever since the night of the dinner party.
Why Uh, why would you say that? Bree, I'm a cop.
I got an eye for human behavior.
That was when everything changed.
I just can't figure out why.
I keep going over that night, hour by hour.
Well, stop going over that night, because everything is fine.
The girls are just as crazy about you as I am.
I don't know.
I'm not feeling it.
Well Are you feeling this? Bree, I know what's going on.
You're trying to distract me with sex, and if that's the case Mmm.
Bring it on.
Wake up! I made you waffles.
Come back when you learn how to make mimosas.
Come on! I left Celia alone with them.
There won't be any left.
Damn it, Juanita! That's enough! Get outta here now! Carlos! Juanita, honey, I'm sorry! Why have you been so short-tempered lately? Gosh, I don't know.
Maybe I'm upset about my golf swing or the economy or maybe it's because I killed a guy.
Look, I get it, okay? But we have to move on with our lives.
Don't you think I want to? I just can't stop thinking about this.
No matter what I do, it's this horrible thing that is always there.
I need to talk to someone.
I know a guy named Tom Collins.
He's a great listener.
I meant father Dugan.
Okay, are you crazy? You can't tell anyone.
That's too risky.
A priest can't share what you say in confession.
Are you sure he's not just gonna make you feel guiltier? I mean, that's their thing.
Fine.
We'll go see the priest.
I have to.
I'm turning into a terrible husband, father.
I need to get this off my conscience.
It's tearing me apart.
Susan.
What are you doing? Oh.
I was looking out the window, and I noticed dust in the corner of each windowpane.
It's been driving me nuts.
Okay.
What's going on with you? What do you mean? Well, there's a lot of weird stuff you like to do in the bedroom, but cleaning not so much.
Couldn't sleep.
Yeah, that's been happening a lot lately.
You don't sleep.
You don't eat.
You never leave the house.
That's not true.
I'm substitute teaching today.
And that's great, but Did you have a fight with the girls? What? Why would you say that? Well, a month ago, you were so excited to move back to the lane, and now you never see 'em.
There's no coffee, no poker, no bitching about husbands over coffee and poker.
The girls and I are fine.
Then what is it? Come on, Susan.
It's me.
You can tell me anything.
I'm going for a run.
Susan.
Well, you said I should get out of the house more.
Hey.
So what do we know about the new guy? Definitely rich.
Check out the car.
Definitely single.
Check out the fish.
Rich and single I wonder what he looks like.
You rarely get the trifecta.
What's your guess? Wonky eye? Rabbit teeth? Comb-over? One normal eyebrow, one really big one? Baby hands? I had it all on one guy.
Did not end well.
Well, I actually saw our new neighbor this morning.
Hmm.
6'1".
190.
He was wearing this great-looking pair of jeans.
And let me just say, I can tell you one thing that isn't wonky.
Gaby.
Oh, come on.
I'm married.
I'm not dead.
Can still imagine all the dirty things I'd do to him.
- Like what? - Oh, god! Oh! I didn't know you were I'm Susan Delfino.
Ah.
Nice to meet you.
Ben Faulkner.
Hi.
Well, I'm actually 6'2", and I haven't been 190 since I played rugby, but, uh, thank you.
Uh, and as for the jeans, you know, I could never figure out why they would cost 200 bucks.
Now I know.
Ladies, excuse me.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Thanks.
Welcome.
Dibs.
Look who's out.
Hey, Susan! Uh, would you like to join us for coffee?! Uh, sorry.
I can't talk.
I'm subbing today! Can't be late! Is anyone talking to her? I tried.
She's not returning my calls.
Same here.
She's obviously avoiding us.
I'm telling you, that is one loose cannon.
Well, we have got to get her back in the fold.
This is too risky.
Says the woman who's dating a cop.
Did it ever occur to you that it might be good to keep him close? If there's ever an investigation, I will be the first to know.
I'm doing this for us.
He's that good in the sack? You have no idea.
And when you finish your worksheets on ladybugs, we will go outside and see if we can find some.
Susan, how's it going? Good.
It's nice to be back.
To be honest, I've been feeling a little down lately.
This is just what I needed.
Mrs.
Delfino? Cupcake's not moving.
She's probably sleeping, honey.
No, I poked her with my pencil a couple times.
She is d-e-a dead.
Uh it's okay, kids.
I know what to do.
Oh, my god.
What do I do? There's a little spot in the garden where we bury the class pets.
- Bury? - Yeah.
Have a little funeral.
Say a few words.
Just don't mention god.
Amanda's parents are atheists, lawyers, and major douches.
Bless me, father, for I have sinned.
It's been a while since my last confession.
Continue, my son.
"My son.
" I'm sorry.
It's just you're, like, a thousand years older than me.
Who are you and where's father Dugan? Leaving on sabbatical.
Fun for him and fun for me.
This is my first week of confessions.
It is? Yeah, and, man, the things I've heard.
There was a lady yesterday who No, no, no, I can't say it.
I think I'll come back.
Unh-unh.
No.
You're not going anywhere.
I told you to wait in the car.
Don't snap at me.
That's why we're here.
You keep saying you wanna talk to someone, so talk to this guy.
He seems perfectly enthusiastic.
He's 12 years old.
This will blow his collar off.
Oh, man, this must be awesome.
I'm so bummed I can't tweet anymore.
Sorry.
If it's not father Dugan, I'm not doing this.
No let's go.
Nuts.
I was really hoping this would be a good one.
I made out with two chicks once in college.
This job rocks! Uh I don't know if you've ever buried anything before, but you have to dig a hole.
Right.
Of course.
I knew that.
It's funny the way life works out sometimes, isn't it? I mean, I wasn't even supposed to be here today.
Once again, in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Now I have to carry this around with me for the rest of my life.
Don't be sad, Mrs.
Delfino.
Cupcake was kind of a bad hamster.
She had three babies and ate them.
But does that mean she deserved to die? We don't get to make that call, Juanita.
We're not god.
That's right, Amanda.
I said it.
What have I done? It's not your fault.
I know it's not my fault, but try telling that to Cupcake's family when they show up looking for her.
There.
We're done.
Now let's all slap on a happy face and pretend like this never happened.
Can I come in? I'm really not feeling like drinking right now.
Great.
Mmm.
So were you two close? Pardon? You and Cupcake.
Juanita told me what happened.
I assume you two had a long history, went to college together, backpacked through Europe.
It just sort of hit me in a weird way.
I'm worried about you.
First, you stop talking to your friends.
Now you're wigging out at a rat funeral.
You're making me nervous.
Well, I'm sorry I'm not handling accessory to murder as well as the rest of you.
Susan, I'm begging you.
This is my husband's life we're talking about.
If anything were to happen to him, think of what would happen to me and my girls.
I know you're having a hard time, but please hold it together.
I'm trying.
Try harder.
Bree? Do I smell Yes, white chocolate macadamia nut your favorite.
Oh! Now you're my favorite.
Mwah.
Hmm.
How was your day? Terrific.
I found a dead body.
Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.
You don't wanna hear about this.
No, I do.
Your work is fascinating.
So, um, where exactly did you find this body? Warehouse out by the docks.
So now I'm a big hero because I cracked a case those poor bastards in New haven P.
D.
have been working on for months.
Oh, good for you.
Mm.
I got lucky.
All I did was spot a sedan with Connecticut plates, and I asked myself, "Who owns that car?" The dead man had a car.
Exactly.
The killers did everything right, but they forgot to get rid of the victim's ride.
What idiots.
Mm-hmm.
So you kept his keys, but it never occurred to you he might have a car.
I just threw all his stuff in our safe.
I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about it.
There it is.
Drop it off in a bad part of town, and let social decay take its course.
Oh, god, do you have to tidy up? Get in.
If anybody catches us in this car, we're dead.
Oh, no, it's a stick.
I can't drive a stick.
Can you? I did once in high school.
It's easy.
Just one extra pedal.
Oh.
It was easier when I was drunk.
What should I do? Should I gun it? Gun it? You can't even drive it.
I thought that was you.
- Chuck.
Look, Gaby, it's Chuck.
- Mm.
I-I saw you were struggling.
Whose car is this? - My aunt's.
- My friend's.
Her aunt and my friend.
Aunt Shirley.
She, uh, came over to my place last night for book club, and She had too much to drink.
Classic Shirley.
So we told her we'd bring her car back today.
- In fact, she's waiting for us, so we should scoot.
- Yeah.
No way.
- I'll drive.
- What? The way you guys are going, you're gonna kill someone.
Go, Bob.
I'll meet you back at the station.
Oh, no, Bob, Bob, don't go! Bob? Oh.
Well Okay, a road trip in this neat old car with your cop boyfriend.
Fun.
So where does Shirley live? Yeah, Bree, where does she live? Why are you asking me? She's your aunt.
Just keep driving.
I'll tell you when to turn.
Huh.
That's interesting.
No, it's not.
I mean what is? Oklahoma city redhawks.
Is your aunt a fan? Oh, yeah, Shirley loves that uh sport.
And men's cologne? She's a lesbian.
Yeah.
She could've been married, but, no, she's a lesbian.
So, this, um, aunt or friend, who's a men's cologne-wearing lesbian she also likes to chew tobacco? 'Cause I never met a woman who likes to chew ever.
I chew tobacco.
And I'm a woman.
Yeah.
Mmm.
All that's missing is a glass of chardonnay.
I keep telling her to quit.
"Do you want mouth cancer?" I say, but she won't listen.
You okay? Yeah.
Ugh! No.
Pull over.
Now.
Sorry! Shirley likes plain.
I prefer chocolate.
Oh! Get out.
What? I'm taking your car.
Oh, my god.
I could kiss you! What? What are you Just get out! Shh! Keep your voice down.
That man over there is a cop.
A cop? No! Get back in here.
When you start something, young man, you see it through.
Buckle up! Hey, what happened? Shirley.
Just happened to be walking by.
Isn't that a stroke of luck? So do you think your friend Bob could give us a ride home? Sure.
I'll I'll call him.
So how's that dating a cop while covering up a murder working out for you? Hey, Renee.
Ladies.
Don't distract them.
They have an important job to do.
I'm gonna go see the new neighbor.
You know, give him a ride on the ol' welcome wagon.
Wow, that was fast.
- I didn't know you two had even talked.
- We haven't.
So what makes you think he's gonna be interested? Hear that, ladies? Watch and learn.
I will show you some of my secrets.
Hi.
I'm gonna save us some time.
Look, I'm single.
You're single.
I'm hot.
You're hot.
Assuming you're not gay, and those shoes tell me you're not, we could do that thing where we flirt for a few weeks.
You can stare at my ass getting the mail, and I do get my mail four times a day.
Or you could invite me in for coffee Right now.
Thanks for the offer, but, uh, I'm good.
Um, when I said "coffee," you did know I meant sex, right? Oh, you were subtle, but, uh, yeah.
I got it.
Wow.
You should write a book.
Otherwise, when you die, your secrets will die with you.
Father Dugan! I'm so glad I caught you.
I don't know if you remember me.
Gabrielle Solis.
I assume you've come to apologize for taking a phone call during my easter sermon? Oh! I'm sorry, father.
But, you know, if you don't confirm those spa appointments, you lose 'em.
Yeah.
Um, anyway, I came here about Carlos.
He's in trouble, and he needs your help.
Well, I'd love to help Carlos.
He's a good man.
But I'm afraid you're too late.
What? You were the one who kept blabbing in that sermon how it's never too late to confess your sins.
See? I can listen and take calls.
It's true.
God waits until the heart is ready.
But the airlines are a little stricter, and I'm not going overseas in a middle seat.
So if you'll excuse me.
You getting on, too, miss? Uh, yes, but I couldn't manage my bag.
Be a dear and grab it for me? Hey.
What are you doing? Taking you to the airport with one quick detour.
Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Stop it! Stop it! Are you crazy? I can't miss my plane.
Well, I'm sorry if I'm trying to get you to do god's work instead of going on your dream vacation to Rwanda, where I'll be digging wells for lepers.
Well, your little friends are gonna have to wait.
- Excuse me.
- Whoa.
Well, where did you u me from? We're headed off on our honeymoon.
And we can't have any detours.
They say you have to get to the airport three hours early for international flights.
Oh, honey, relax.
Since we caught Bin Laden, you can stroll on the plane anytime you want.
It's just, I've done something, father, And I'm afraid that it's unforgivable.
God can forgive us for anything.
Really? Anything? Yes.
If we're willing to show that we are truly repentant.
How? Well, it's not by what we say.
It's by what we do.
For instance, if we were talking about a crime then confessing to the authorities would prove the intentions of our heart.
That is not an option.
There are other people involved innocent people.
You can't ask to be absolved for a sin that you intend to keep hidden.
You should go.
You're gonna miss your flight.
I don't wanna leave you, Carlos, not till I'm sure that you're gonna be okay.
Father Dugan, I don't see any way that I am ever going to be okay.
Hey.
Hey.
I wish I could make you stop thinking about this.
Yeah, me, too.
I don't even know what I was looking for.
There is no absolution for this thing.
I just have to live with it.
Every noise I'd hear at night, it was him.
Every dark alley I passed, he was waiting for me.
When I'd lie in bed, I was afraid he'd come find me.
He was in my dreams and in my nightmares.
I couldn't escape him.
And that's what I had to live with until now.
For the first time, I'm not scared.
You did that for me.
Yeah by taking a man's life.
Yes, you may have taken a life, but you also saved one.
So if it's absolution you're looking for I give it to you.
- Hey.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, is everything okay with the kids? Yeah, yeah, the the kids are fine.
I just What? Did something happen? I really need you right now.
Okay.
Morning.
Morning.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Crap, crap, crap.
- Come on.
Come on.
- Okay.
- Watch out for the, uh - Okay, okay, o - Honey.
Ooh.
- No, I'm okay.
Okay, go.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
They're still asleep.
Thank god.
I'll start the coffee.
Okay, you read my mind.
- Hey.
- Yeah? So last night Yeah.
We should talk about it.
Uh-huh.
I mean If you wanna get back together I'm open to that.
But we have some serious problems that are gonna require serious work.
Oh, god.
Last night uh was not about getting back together.
Then what the hell was it about? I I had a nightmare.
Well a-a nightmare? Are you kidding me? You've gotta understand.
I'm having a lot of nightmares.
This is such a scary time, and I really need you.
That's-that's why I didn't want to tell the kids.
Having you across the street makes me feel safe.
You're unbelievable.
You know what you do when you're scared, Lynette? You buy a night-light.
You don't go have sex with the guy you are supposed to be separated from! I want french toast.
- I hate french toast.
I want pancakes.
- Oh.
Kids there's something your mom and I need to tell you.
Yeah.
Why don't we sit down? Hey, I, uh, I know it's a barbecue, but isn't that a little casual? Yeah, um, I don't think I'm gonna go this year.
Why don't you go without me? Hey, do I need to be worried? I told you.
I'm fine.
I don't mean worried about you.
I mean worried about us.
I thought this was some problem between you and your friends, but the way you've been shutting me out, I'm starting to think you've got a problem with me.
How could you say that? No matter what I'm going through, I would never let anything come between us.
Yeah, I'm sure Tom and Lynette felt the same way.
Look where they ended up.
Well, I'm headed over there without you.
No.
I'm going with you.
You're right.
I do have a problem with the girls.
It's about time I went over there and straightened it out.
No! No way.
You are not bringing Mike in on this.
He's not gonna tell anyone.
We can trust him.
Oh, just like I could trust you when we agreed to keep this between us? Susan, we all empathize with your position, but I don't think it's smart to tell Mike.
Well, he knows something is up.
It's affecting our marriage.
You know what's gonna affect my marriage? when my husband goes to prison.
I think we should let her tell him.
I can't believe this.
We all made a pact that night.
I don't remember anybody bringing up These extra conditions.
Well, you weren't exactly asking anyone's opinion that night, were you, Bree? What is that supposed to mean? It means you elected yourself chairman of the dead guy committee and started making decisions for everyone.
Like you always do.
Well, somebody had to, Susan, And it sure as hell wasn't gonna be you.
I'm done talking about this.
The only reason I came to this barbecue was to let you know that I am telling Mike.
The hell you are.
Aah! Oh, my god! Gaby! Gaby! - Trade Manning? - What, are you out of your mind? Think for a minute.
When is his stock ever gonna be higher? Let me go! You could get a great player.
Yeah, maybe a great quarterback, like, I don't know.
Manning? - Ow! - Get off me! Girls, people can hear us! Ow! I told you we couldn't trust her! I can't see.
Lynette! Aah! Oh! I got it! What the hell's going on? Uh, well I lost my earring, and the girls here were kind enough to help me look for it.
Oh! There it is! I went food shopping yesterday.
I kept having to put things back.
I'd take a couple of cans of peaches.
And then I'd remember that Tom was the only one who liked them, put them back.
Sweet pickles Tom.
Put them back.
I am so sorry.
With everything that's been going on, I haven't been there for you.
I guess we've all been guilty of that.
I'm sorry, Susan.
This is so damn hard.
You know, the good thing about Mike and Tom not knowing is they can't be implicated.
If something were to happen, at least they'd be okay.
We are never gonna be able to tell anybody about this, are we? No.
Are you gonna be able to live with that? I'm gonna try.
It's only the best of friends who stay long after the party's over to help clean up To cleanse the pain of a guilty conscience to pick up the pieces of a broken marriage To sweep away the loneliness of keeping a secret.
Yes It's good to have friends who help clean up our messes.
But every housewife knows that as soon as one mess is taken care of another one appears.
And we may find ourselves right back where we started.