How I Met Your Mother s08e01 Episode Script

Oh, you look like you're coming from a wedding.
Was it a nice one? Uh, it's a long story, and I don't mean to be rude, but I really don't feel like talking about it.
It all started when the bride asked to see me Wow.
Okay, don't sugarcoat it, Mosby.
Just give it to me straight, okay? How bad is Barney freaking out right now? Oh, he's fine.
No, I'm serious.
He's totally fine.
I have a better tie at home! It's cornflower blue! It's cornflower blue! You may rest assured, Barney Stinson is absolutely 100% going through with this wedding.
Okay.
Good news.
Um, just one small issue, uh I can't go through with this wedding.
Okay, calm down, everyone feels this way on their wedding day.
It'll pass.
No.
It's more than that.
I'm having a serious crisis.
And I wonder if it would be hard to climb out that window.
Uh, climbing out's easy.
Climbing in's the real challenge.
Oh, right.
It's the same window, isn't it? Yeah.
That story transpired in May of 2012.
As you may recall, Lily and Marshall were gloriously happy having just welcomed your cousin Marvin.
While Barney and Quinn were gloriously happy having just gotten engaged.
And Robin, well Ah, got it! Man, that sum'bitch had been in there since breakfast! I think there's some in the fridge.
We'll get it.
We're totally not gonna go have sex in the kitchen, if that's what you're thinking.
Aw, we're not? No, no, we are.
I already took off your bra.
Oh! Hey, are you guys sure you can handle champagne? You haven't slept in like a week.
We should just call it a night.
Oh, I see what this is about.
You feel weird because Barney's engaged.
What?! No.
Of course not.
And I will tell you why it's not weird.
What's not weird? The fact that Barney's engaged.
Barney's engaged?! Heck, this calls for some champagne.
I think there's some in the fridge.
Oh, my God, why don't you both just admit it: You're deliriously exhausted.
We're fine! Really? We're not gonna be the kind of people who have a baby and become total zombies.
Yes, Robin.
We're not gonna be the kind of people that have a zombie and become total babies.
Okay, well, what the I was saying is Do you understand? Yes! God, yes! You are preaching to the choir, sister.
Whew! Hey.
So I am thinking about my bridal party and, uh, I don't have a lot of girlfriends.
I mean, I have work friends, but I worked at a strip club and I know they'll just complain about any bridesmaid's dress that has a front, so Would you guys be my bridesmaids? I'd be honored.
Yes! Not you, Marshall.
But, yay, thank you! Oh.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, my gosh.
It's gonna be so much fun.
Yeah, now it's weird.
What's weird? Me being Quinn's bridesmaid.
Oh, I wouldn't worry about that, sweetie.
She probably won't even ask you.
She just did.
And we both said yes.
Heck, this calls for some champagne.
I think there's some in the fridge.
Meanwhile, I was also gloriously happy, driving off into the sunset with Victoria, who left her fiance Klaus at the altar for me.
There was just one problem.
I wonder if Klaus found your note yet.
My note? Yeah, you know, the "I'm leaving you at the altar" note.
Is that a thing? When you leave someone at the altar, you always leave a note.
It's common courtesy.
I think common courtesy went out the window when I did.
Look, when Stella left me at the altar, at least I got an explanation.
I mean, that note is what keeps you sane.
You read it, you re-read it, you memorize it, you sleep with it, you sniff it because it still kind of smells like her, and then, finally you let it go tied to a brick, right through her perfect little suburban bay window.
I'll just text him.
You're leaving a note.
So, Barney and I have already disagreed on a few of the wedding details.
I want to go with a buffet, and he wants to ride down the aisle on a grizzly bear.
He'll be wearing a tux.
Fine, fine, I'll settle for a panda bear, but you have to call my tailor.
He'll be furious about the switch.
Hey, Barney, uh We've gotta talk.
Um, Quinn just asked me to be one of her bridesmaids.
Isn't she even a little weirded out that you and I used to date? Quinn doesn't have a jealous bone in her body.
She rolls with the punches.
She Doesn't have a clue.
No, she does not.
Okay.
Okay.
"Klaus, there is no easy way to tell you why I won't be marrying you today.
Have a great summer, Victoria.
" That's it? No, no, we gotta do this right.
Well, you can't write it.
One look, it's gonna be obvious it's a guy's handwri Oh no, we're good.
Okay, fine, you write, I'll advise.
"Klaus.
" Just "Klaus"? Come on, give it some heart, the poor guy.
"Dear sweet Klaus" "Sweet?" What, are you still in love with this jerk? I'm doing this on my own.
I'm sorry, I just you know, I feel bad for the guy.
I'm stealing the greatest girl in the world away from him.
You're not stealing me.
I'm choosing you.
Because you are loving and you are caring and you are going to go deliver this note.
Wait, you want me to go in there? It took everything I had to climb out that church window today.
and if I have to go back in there, I'm not sure I can do it again.
It has to smell like you.
So Quinn has no idea that we used to date? None whatsoever.
Okay, Barney, think this through.
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with Quinn Oh, God, you have a point.
Haven't gotten to it yet.
Of course.
Continue.
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with Quinn and keep this secret? I mean, she's gonna find out.
Quinn's not gonna find out because I've destroyed every piece of evidence that you and I were ever a couple.
That's ridiculous.
You couldn't have gotten rid of all of it.
You replaced me with a tiger.
I couldn't completely get you out of that one.
Had to get creative.
Well, I'm glad that deleting our entire time together was so easy for you.
But I guarantee you: Quinn is gonna find out eventually.
No, she won't.
I just need your help.
Yours, too.
I know you're out of it, but you have to promise not to tell Quinn, okay? Tell Quinn what? Exactly.
No, she's really asking.
Tell Quinn what? Ooooooh Can't climb the drainpipe.
What? When I was in fourth grade, I couldn't climb the rope in gym class and all the other kids made fun of me, even though it wasn't my fault.
I had to go after Efthimios Papajapoulos.
The rope was slick with lamb grease! Okay, so just walk in the front door and act like you belong.
Here.
Here's the key to the dressing room.
Can I help you? Hi.
I'm the church handyman.
I'm here to fix the broken thing.
It's busted.
The bride is taking a "schnooze.
" She asked me to stand watch so that no one disturbs her.
I'll be quick.
You will be dead.
I used to wrestle in Leipzig.
You know what? A note's redundant.
You're not there.
He gets it.
No, you were right, I have to leave a note.
It's common courtesy.
Well, it's not gonna be possible with Andrea the Giant standing guard up there.
Oh, right, Klaus's sister.
It's too bad Barney's not here.
Man, he lives for bridesmaids.
Right, but he's not.
And it's not like he could seduce Uta over the phone.
Challenge accepted! Honey, it's not cheating if it's on the phone, right? Say what now? Quinn's on board! Text me her number! You filthy, disgusting man! But yes, I will do that to myself at your instruction.
Let me find a broom closet.
Oh, ja, good.
I did it.
I did it! You're amazing.
Let's get out of here.
I left the car keys in the dressing room.
Pretty sure the door locked behind me.
Oh, God Oh, God Oh, God I found it kind of insulting that Barney doesn't think we can keep this secret.
I mean, yeah, Marvin's keeping us up all night.
But he's still the prettiest little girl in the city.
Baby, did you just hear yourself? You said, "Prettiest little girl in the city.
" I think you meant "country"" Yeah.
I mean, what does Barney think? We're just gonna blurt out that he used to date Shh! Oh that was close.
Quinn could've heard us through the Good catch! I almost just blurted out that Barney used to date Robin! Barney used to date Robin?! When did you get in here? Like, ten minutes ago when you said, "Hey Quinn, let's all go hang out in Marvin's room.
" Aufwiedersehen, fraulein.
You know, I hate to perpetuate the stereotype, but German female wrestlers from Saxony are just begging for it.
You dated Robin? Verdammt! I'm sorry I lied to you.
I'll tell you everything.
The whole story.
Fine.
You have one minute before I walk out that door.
Um, it's, uh, kind of a long story, Quinn.
Gonna take a bit little longer than a minute.
Seven years ago, when Marshall and Lily got engaged, Ted saw Robin across a crowded room, and I said, "Oh, yeah, you just know she likes it dirty," but Ted really liked her so we played "Have you met Ted?" They went to dinner, he walked her home, shoulda kissed her, didn't-- lame-- so he stole a smurf penis, went back to her place, should've kissed her, didn't-- lame.
He threw three parties, they kissed on the roof, but decided to be friends-- lame-- then Ted wanted to take Robin to a wedding, she couldn't go, he went alone and met Victoria, didn't kiss her either-- lame-- not a great closer, Ted-- but he finally kissed her, they started dating, she went to Germany, Ted kissed Robin, lost Victoria, Ted did a rain dance, got Robin, Ted and Robin broke up, Robin moved to Brazil, came back with a Latin stud, Ted got jealous, got a tramp stamp, not really relevant to the story I just like mentioning that as much as possible, I hooked up with Robin, Ted and I stopped being friends, Ted got hit by a bus, we made up Robin and I started dating, I got fat, her hair fell out.
We broke up, Robin dated Don, I dated Nora, cheated on her with Robin, I dumped Nora, Robin dated Kevin, but not for long, and then I met you and you took my grandpa's watch but I fell in love with you anyway, and you let me fart in front of you and I asked you to marry me and you said yes and we came over here to meet little Marvin and that's everything! Also I went on the Price Is Right and won a dune buggy.
Goodbye, Barney.
Good I j She lets you fart in front of her? Barney you go get that girl.
Oh, God! You cannot tell anyone that you saw me.
I cannot get married today! Klaus? Oh, I'm a mess.
I threw up in the cloakroom, I blamed a small child.
I cannot get married.
I left a note.
Good for you.
Not everyone thinks of that.
Who doesn't leave a note? It's common courtesy.
Thank you! Do you have the time? Um Yeah, it's 20 after 7:00.
Ah, sehr gut.
I can still make the 8:05 back to the city.
Auf wiedersehen! And suddenly it hit me: a way to absolve Victoria of any blame.
All I had to do was climb that drainpipe.
What? No, Klaus, no.
Mach schnell, sleepyhead, it's time to I know about you and Barney.
Who told her?! You guys did.
God, go to sleep.
Okay, no one is going anywhere until we find out who told you.
Look there is nothing going on between me and Robin.
And why should I believe that? Well, for starters, I have a boyfriend.
No, Robin, you don't have to do this.
There've been enough lies.
I'm not lying.
His name is Nick.
I didn't want to jinx it by telling everyone, so I just told Marshall and Lily.
You can tell 'em, guys.
We were just talking about this earlier today.
Okay, well, what I was saying is I have no desire to get Barney back because I'm with Nick now and, well, I don't want to be crude, but I want to spend all day licking his abs.
Do you understand? Yes! God, yes! You are preaching to the choir, sister.
I stand by it.
Guys, it's okay.
You're new parents.
You just need to get some sleep.
We're fine! This is hard, guys.
Really hard.
Oh, God! Stay with me.
Stay with me.
Go get your baby.
Yeah.
Look, it doesn't matter that you have a boyfriend.
I'm always gonna be wondering if you secretly still have feelings for Barney.
I don't care who this guy is.
Okay, we're good.
Okay, well, I'm glad I left work early for this.
Robin, maybe later we can discuss the meaning of the word "emergency" and the phrase "Trapped under a car.
" Okay.
Okay.
You know he has chicken legs.
Little tiny chicken legs.
You guys saw those, right? Honey, it's not cheating if I lie down on the bar and let Nick do a shot from my belly button, right? Say what now? Barney's on board! Nick, hold on! Thanks for your help today.
Yeah, sure.
Although, it, uh, kind of sucked seeing how easy it was for you to throw away everything from our relationship.
I I could never do that.
And so, Victoria and I were back where we started.
But there was something I couldn't get off my mind I'll be right back.
Uh, excuse me.
Oh, hey, it's you.
Ja, okay, I'm not sure what kind of vibe I was giving off before, but I am not interested in your schnitzel, okay? No, no, no, no, no-- God, no.
I-I just have one quick question: Victoria seems like a great girl.
Why wouldn't you want to marry her? Ach, okay, Victoria is wunderbar.
I'm sorry, wunderbar is the German word for wonderful.
Yeah, no, I know.
Oh, you speak German? No No, no, no No, just-just-just the one word.
Oh.
Oh.
Ah Okay, Victoria.
There is a word in German: Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz.
And the closest translation would be "Lifelong Treasure of Destiny.
" And Victoria is wunderbar, but she is not my Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz.
She is my Beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand, you know? You know wunderbar but you don't know Beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand? That is something we learn in kindergarten.
I'm sorry, "kindergarten" is the German word for-- No, no, I know that one.
Oh, okay.
But you don't know Beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand? You are maddeningly inconsistent.
It means "the thing that is almost the thing that you want but it's not quite.
" Das ist Victoria to me.
How do you know she's not Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz? I mean, maybe as the years go by, she'll get Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz -ier.
Oh, nein, nein, nein.
Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz is not something that develops over time.
It is something that happens instantaneously.
It courses through you like the water of a river after a storm filling you and emptying you all at once.
You feel it throughout your body Coming up only In your hands To show you wrong in your heart in your stomach And to know you is hard in your skin We wonder Of course you feel it in your Schlauchmachendejungen.
Pardon my French.
Have you ever felt this way about someone? Yeah, I think so.
If you have to think about it, you have not felt it.
And you're absolutely sure you'll find that someday? Of course.
Everyone does eventually.
You just never know when or where.
And he was right.
Unfortunately, the "when" of it was still a little ways down the road.
But the "where" of it? Really too late to call So we wait for Morning to wake you is all we got Yeah, there's your change.
Oh, and don't forget your guitar.
To know me as hardly golden Is to know me all wrong, they warn Ooh, ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh