Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s08e01 Episode Script

FOGGY: Tuck your shirt in - it's hanging out.
CLEGG: Be grateful it's nothing worse! COMPO: Shut up, tha should! Maybe Hitler's shirt hung out.
The Nazi salute was a natural for pulling your shirt out.
All those big rallies.
Everyone in the front chanting "Zieg heil, zieg heil" and those at the back thinking, "My God, his shirt's hanging out!" God! Look at the state of him.
He's the best advert for euthanasia I've ever seen! Toothpaste! I'm an advert for toothpaste! Euthanasia is NOT a toothpaste.
If it is, it's only used once.
Euthanasia is a way of getting rid of scruffy old Herberts in their twilight years.
Phrrt! Was your family ALWAYS musical? Me mam had legs like a grand piano.
It's a terrible noise, isn't it? It's the extent of his vocabulary - if he's not making vile noises he's making 'V' signs.
Sometimes he does both.
Only when I'm upset, Norm.
Upset? You've got skin as thick as a rhinoceros.
What could upset YOU? If Nora Batty went into a nunnery! And gave up her interest in men.
THAT would really upset me.
If only I could be sure there were a God who listened to little blokes with holes in their trousers, I'd say to him, "Listen, God, do me a favour "and make sure Nora Batty doesn't lose her interest in men.
" That's what I'd say to him! WHAT interest in men? Don't bother to answer I'll just talk to myself.
My question was - since when has Nora Batty had an interest in men? She likes to shout at them.
That's true, Norm.
She's good at shouting.
She could have got her cap for Yorkshire.
Cap?! Headscarf and curlers.
Listen, let's get it straight.
Beneath that headscarf is the most attractive female body around here.
In MY opinion.
And we know what THAT'S worth.
And not only my opinion.
Go on, then.
Who else's? Even her husband doesn't think that.
ESPECIALLY her husband doesn't think that! He's a pigeon-fancier.
He's biased.
She'd have to have feathers on her chest before HE took any notice.
Notoriously unreliable in the ways of woman flesh are pigeon fanciers.
How can you trust the judgement of anybody who fancies anything with skinny legs and big feet? But WRINKLED legs and big feet are all right? She's not got big feet.
She's got average feet.
Now you've hurt his rotten feelings.
She's NOT got big feet! What we need is an expert witness.
Sit down! What's all this? We just want you to settle an argument, Wally.
Relaxaccept a little hospitality.
Sup up, Wal.
There's a catch.
What's the catch? Typical! You try to be nice to people That's not natural! Get your mouth round that pint.
Don't rush him.
It's just Northern caution.
There's a hint of pessimism in Wally's make-up.
Something dark and Slavonic in his genes.
He doesn't WEAR jeans! Temperamentally Wally could be Russian.
I always imagine Dostoevsky was like him.
Except for his lack of interest in pigeons.
Things look different in daylight.
Don't say that.
The fact that things look different in daylight, is very depressing for politicians and others of the same ilk.
What's an ilk? Are you trying to tell me that you don't know what an ilk is? Hands up everybody who cannot describe an ilk.
Just sup it up, Wally.
I've been caught like this before.
People inserting foreign substances into men's pints! For what purpose? Who's going to cart YOU off to a house of ill-repute? You have my word as a gentleman, that brew has not been touched.
They once nobbled me drink at the pigeon club.
Here, have this one.
I don't know what it was, but I didn't keep anything down for a week.
The same with the price of petrol! Upset me system entirely.
Drink it! Don't just look at it.
I met this bloke who'd had similar, and he said we were lucky it never made us sterile.
Get that down your gullet! Wellif you're SURE there's nothing wrong with it.
There's nothing wrong - look! Look! Look! There! Ah, well As long as you're sure.
I'm the wrong age for going sterile.
Hey, you! Are you just watching the sunlight through the stuff? Think it's a jar of tadpoles? He's not with us.
No.
He's a Russian we found.
He doesn't get loose very often.
His marriage is so time-consuming.
Keep him under control.
It's no great advert for my beer to see him staring at it like it was gnat's water! True! Aagh! Keep him sitting.
Don't let him stand up.
It's all right for thee.
Look at him! Sometimes you can't tell if he IS standing up.
He wobbles more when standing.
Keep him sitting down.
Get a firm grip where his parrot would be if he wasn't into pigeons.
Hey, down! I don't believe it! I'm being held in this boozer against my will.
Which amounts to a big improvement in my normal standard of living! How did Nora Batty come to marry anybody that small? Exactly MY feelings! It shows no sense of fair play.
Maybe there was a Depression.
Maybe he looked taller.
All right! Let's call this meeting to order.
Now, Wally, we need your expertise to settle a point of argument.
You may think that we're being just a little personal Nah! He's broad-minded.
I am.
If there's one thing I am, it's broad-minded.
And notoriously cheerful(!) We want some inside information about something that you've been very close to for a LONG time.
And he means CLOSE! Wally, about as close as you can get! Ya lucky beggar! Now I'm with you! We shall, of course, treat any information you give us in the STRICTEST confidence.
Not a whisper! Ugh, you ain't got much of a grip there, Wal.
As much as I need for anything that's available to a person my age! Good grief! Is it really as slack as that? Yes.
Ugh! God, it is! Like half a pound of liver.
Look, never mind his grip.
Never mind his grip?! How can he protect Nora with a grip like that? What if some frustrated, lonely bloke leapt out on our Nora? Goodness! How frustrated and lonely can you get? The mind boggles, doesn't it? Who's going to leap out on her? She's terrible! Ohbegging your pardon, Wally.
Point taken.
Listen, blokes leap out on women all the time.
Me, for a start.
Let's face it, I'm in no condition to go punching people about.
You're in no condition to scream for help! It's true.
If she were attacked right in front of my eyes, I'd have to stand there helpless.
Helpless! She could have the bloke mauled to death before I could drag her off! I've decided against answering your personal questions.
I respect that decision.
A bloke has to keep SOME things to himself.
One expects that from a gentleman.
If you wanted details of anything but HER, I wouldn't hesitate.
But when you're that close We understand.
It was probably tactless to raise the idea.
Nononono.
I understand your interest.
I sometimes see blokes watching her when they think I'm not looking.
I can feel them thinking, "I wish she were mine, I wish she were mine.
" I know the feeling, Wal! But they've had it.
She's MINE.
I've raised her from an egg.
I've flown her.
Trained her.
She's going to win races for me! She's MY pigeon! Sit your little unkempt person down.
The woman is looking at you.
They always do! Will you get off! How long have you known you were irresistible to women? Oh, ages.
You must have trouble with jealous husbands.
There's a snag to everything.
Nothing is free! Certainly not in here it's not! Sit down! Make yourself inconspicuous.
If I found anything like you, I'd throw it in the bin.
They always talk like that.
But deep down, really deep down, they're all of a flutter.
Like your shirt flap.
Drink your tea, and don't sound as if you're emptying a pond.
Oh, there's something about you! Give us a kiss! I hate it when he does that.
I can face anything but that.
Italians do it all the time.
Men kissing at railway stations.
Well, I usually just buy a paper.
I saw some during the war.
Blokes kissing each other goodbye at the railway station.
You see some TERRIBLE things during a war.
Talking of terrible things, Wally, we'd like to have a few words with you about Nora.
About my missus? That's the one.
My next-door neighbour bless her! That's all right for you - there's usually a wall between you.
Do you think we ought to pry into things like this? Call me superstitious Hello, superstitious! Hello.
But this morning, I heard an owl hootthree times! Unless it was him across, with his Toyota.
My God! What does that mean? A Toyota hooting three times! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot! Yes, well, er We just wanted a bit of simple information to settle an argument.
Well, you've only got to ask.
Yes, wellsomehow it seemed harder than that, you know.
We don't want to be personal.
Wellwe're all men of the world! I couldn't handle being a man of the world.
Could I just stick to the area of my post code? Shut up.
Ah! I can handle that.
I love when he says "shut up".
I feel so secure.
Shut up! Now, Wallyyou see the information we require is Walls have ears.
And a nice bosom as well! What? Getget out Get out! I'll teach you respect! Norman, I'm being kidnapped! Send us a postcard.
SHE SCREAMS, CRASH By heck, that clears the catarrh! Serves you right! I like a grapple.
You know what they say # A grapple a day keeps the doctor away # And I'll have NO further remarks about my bosom.
How would you men like it if we talked about YOUR bosoms? I'd hate to be desirable.
I'm surprised at YOU - you a married a man.
I was surprised being married.
Have you ever tried to say "no" to our Nora? Keep him under control.
He's a menace around women.
Can I have that in writing? That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me! Now, Wally, you're among friends.
Discretion is assured.
You have my word as a depositor with a building society.
Now, look, tell us - quickly - has Nora got big feet? Big feet?! Yes, the things on the ends of your legs.
I know where they ARE.
It's interfering with nature - prying about Nora Batty.
They're talking about our Nora! Tell him she's not got big feet! Why does she wear BIG shoes? She does NOT! Listen to it! Voice of the expert.
The world authority on footwear.
They call me "Twinkletoes".
Hey! What's going on in here? Get out! Get out! Go on! Why don't you come on Sundays? We're CLOSED on Sundays! Aagh! Get out! Go on! That's what I call a picture! She looks great with a peg in her teeth! We're not looking at her TEETH.
I'm definitely not! Look at her FEET.
I'm telling thee.
She's NOT got big FEET.
Don't ask ME.
I don't look at her feet.
You MUST have noticed, Wally.
I can't think how long it is since I noticed her feet.
It comes as no surprise to me.
There's a lot of other things you've got to get the hang of, besides feet.
I'll say there is! He must have NOTICED them.
She must have trodden on him.
Try and remember her FEET, Wally.
Our Nora's dinky little feet.
No prompting! You know how it is.
You get things on your mind.
Think, man! It's those bits at right angles to the wrinkled stockings.
What wrinkled stockings? Listen, Wally, tha can tell me.
After all, I'd exercise her for you if you were going away.
Listen, Wally, her feet How BIG do they feel in bed? You can't expect a bloke to remember everything.
He sleeps with Nora Batty and he doesn't even notice.
I bet that takes practice.
It takes YEARS.
They've no idea.
Look, Wally, let's approach this from another angle.
Now, cast your mind back.
I want you to visualise a cold, crisp winter's night.
Frost on the windowpane, icicles on the drainpipe You're indoors, you're snug and warm.
Now you're ready for bed, and Nora's standing there in her dressing gown.
Ooh! I can't stand it! Shut up! Now, before you turn out the light, she's standing in front of you .
.
in her dressing gown and her nightdress and curlers Ooooooooooooh! Can you see her, Wally? Which nightie? It doesn't matter which nightie.
It does to ME! Shut up! Can you see her, Wally? Yes.
Oh, good man.
Have a good look.
I'm looking.
Oooh! So am I.
Are you ready for the question? Yes, I'm ready.
Right, here it comes.
Do her slippers look BIG? Pass! I bet tha notices tha pigeons.
WellPIGEONS That's it.
Like I said, her feet CAN'T be big.
Don't be hasty, ferret fancier.
We can't be SURE of that.
We can! If she had big feet he would have noticed them.
But he SHOULD have noticed them.
Look at the height of him - he's not miles away from them! What's her shoe size? Maybe they've never been intimate enough to know each other's shoe size.
Look - stand in line.
What? Come on! Watch it! You'll crease my jacket.
Sorry! Imagine YOU with a creased jacket(!) Now, Wally, in your opinion, which pair is closest in size to your wife's? It's not a fair test.
Why not? You're all wearing trousers.
One thing I HAVE noticed - our Nora NEVER wears trousers.
We've gone this far.
Roll them up.
All right, round the next corner.
Nobody will see us there.
DOG BARKS FURIOUSLY Here! What are you doing with that daft lot? Nothing! Look at me when I'm shouting at you! I'm looking.
You're looking at me feet.
Can't a bloke look at his wife's feet? You're weird! Get inside! They're all weird! And wash your hands for tea! Don't keep looking at me! What do you keep looking at me for? I'm your husband.
I'm entitled to look! Well, you can pack it in.
Just for looking? Yes.
We've spent 40 years NOT looking - so don't you start NOW.
Where's the harm in looking? It's very unsettling.
It's like having a piece of furniture coming alive.
Furniture - is that what I am? I wouldn't mind - if you weren't so badly put together! What is the matter with YOU? I Iwas only wondering.
Wondering what? How big are your feet? Have you been reading funny books? NoI've not.
II was only wondering.
Married 40 years and he starts wondering about my feet! Get out to your pigeons! What about my tea? Later! Go on - go and look at your pigeons.
What sort of age are you to start looking at ladies' feet? And don't be reading funny books! A bit more, a bit more.
That's it! Now, mark it.
Now, measure it.
Right! Serves you right, you daft lot!