Roseanne s08e01 Episode Script

Okay, so we need brushes, lacquer, thinner, Turpentine, polyurethane and paint stripper.
- anything else? - nope.
Remember though, that stuff needs a lot of ventilation, So take all the lids off in the car on the way home.
What? I'm sorry for staring at you, Mrs.
Conner, But there's just something about a pregnant woman that's just so beautiful.
- beautiful how? - I don't know.
You used the word beautiful, you must know what you mean.
You're just beautiful, that's all.
Oh, really? Is it my swollen ankles That you like, or My varicose veins-- maybe they appeal to your artist's eye, huh? Or maybe it's my haggard face from lack of sleep.
But I think the real question here is, Is "beautiful" strong enough a word? Thank you, Mr.
Conner, For telling me to say that.
- beautiful how? - hey, d.
J.
, Your old room's just about to be painted.
Becky and Darlene volunteered to help.
How about you? No way.
I'm moving across the hall and i'm never looking back.
So why announce it? Nobody's gonna notice.
Well, at least tell your sisters to hurry up with that drop cloth.
It's just so great, isn't it, Dan? Two girls all grown up, volunteering to ( sniffles ) Help paint their baby sister's nursery.
Ohh! I remember that! How the pregnancy hormones get you all sentimental.
Go to hell, Jackie.
This ain't about you.
Honey, honey, remember, you like Jackie.
Jackie good.
Though the nursery's really coming along.
You gonna fix those dents in the wall before you paint it? ( chuckles ) oh, wow! You remember these, Rosie? I sure do.
That's where Darlene Banged d.
J.
's head in the wall every year To show how tall he'd grown.
You've got to promise me you're not gonna paint over those, Dan.
Oh, I have to, honey.
But remember, we'll always have the x-rays.
Okay, I got to get going, but now I have officially returned All the baby clothes that you lent me.
- where's the rest of the stuff? - what do you mean? Going alphabetically, after "clothes" comes "crib," Unless you dropped off some crab cakes.
You want the crib back? Roseanne, my little andy still sleeps in that crib.
Well, let him hop in bed with you.
He's gonna be in therapy for the rest of his life anyway.
Fred moves out, My baby has no father and now you want to take away his bed? All right, fine.
Keep it.
We'll buy another one.
The thing was a deathtrap anyway.
Here, dad.
This is all I could find.
Where in the hell have you been? Don't yell at me, mother.
I was getting this.
It took you long enough.
Seems like you've been gone for three years.
( theme music playing ) ( Roseanne laughs ) Man, look at all this useless yuppie crap.
Oh, there's a whole new world of baby products out there now.
Yeah, I don't remember any of this kind of stuff When I had d.
J.
We bought d.
J.
That rattle, and, uh I guess it was just the rattle.
Hey, check out the car seats.
The '96s are in! See, I don't need one of those.
I'll just use that booster seat I stole from denny's.
What the hell's that? That is a jogging stroller.
Yeah, well, unless the jogger comes with it, I don't want nothing to do with it.
Oh, man.
I wanted one of these.
See? A wiper warmer.
See there? That keeps the little baby wipes warm.
What's a baby wipe? - here's the cribs.
- hey, that one's pretty nice.
Yeah, well, it ought to be.
It's $499.
God! For that money, I could buy her A used vega to sleep in.
Look at this.
This is $425.
They're so fancy, you know? The hampton, the walden, The shenandoah.
Well, find me one called I-need-a-cheap-replacement- 'cause-my-sister-stole-mine.
Maybe that would be next to the one called "the indian giver.
" Hi hi hi.
Well, here we are.
We're shopping.
We're having fun.
Isn't this exciting? Well, what can I help you with today? Well, it seems as if I have a baby stuck inside me.
Can you help me with that? - we're just looking, thanks.
- although i'll take a beer if you've got one.
Is this your first? No, I had a couple before I left home.
You're fun! ( chuckles ) Well, listen, if you need any help, Or you want to register for your baby shower Oh no no.
No baby showers.
That's for women that are happy they're having a baby.
I'm only having this baby to counterbalance the mormon lady down the road.
Besides, all you really need is the crib.
Yeah, but unfortunately none of our friends can waste $400 On anything but lottery tickets.
Maybe i'll check back with you later.
Although I do have 40 friends Who could each afford about A crappy $10 gift.
Uh, how lenient Is your return policy? for store credit.
All right.
This crib is mine And i'm having that shower And i'm inviting every sucker I know And i'm gonna oversalt the popcorn So I can make extra money on drinks.
Hey, yeah, okay.
The name's conner.
So here's what I want.
I'll take one of those and, uh, Two of those and four of those baby-wipe warmers.
Hey, this is cool.
It's a diaper genie.
Oh, a diaper genie.
That's great.
Any idea what it does? - no.
- put this down.
( humming ) What are you so happy about? I thought high school was gonna be hard, but this is gonna be great.
I mean, look, they made a mistake.
They put me in the dumb math.
Oh please, d.
J.
, you'll never make it past lunch.
All the switchblades in your back will keep setting off the metal detectors.
No way! Nobody'd do that! Yeah, you're right.
They probably wouldn't let you keep their knives.
Where the hell have you been? Why does everyone keep saying that to me? Hey, Becky, Darlene says on my first day of high school I'm gonna get stabbed.
- Darlene, what are you telling him? - yeah?! No one's gonna want to come near him after they've Pulled him naked out of the lunchroom dumpster.
I'm not going! Hey, sorry I got held up.
- how far'd you get on the nursery? - oh, i'm finished.
Wow! You got the whole thing done? That's not what I said.
I said "i'm finished.
" Here, you're used to laying on your back.
Why don't you start with the ceiling? Come on, Darlene.
If we do it together, we can finish in a couple hours.
You volunteered us to do this, not me.
I would've bailed earlier, but I ran into mom And she did that hormonal weepy thing and told me she loved me.
Haven't developed a defense for that yet.
I can't believe this.
You're just gonna quit? All right, i'll come help you after I finish my book.
Well, how far along are you? "call me ishmael.
" Darlene, this isn't about you for once.
This is about mom's other baby.
I'm not gonna get involved in anything That's gonna encourage these people to procreate.
- that's why i'm so anti-alcohol.
- ( door opens ) Why can't you just admit that you don't care about anyone but yourself? - don't start with me, blondie.
- oh, what's going on here? Just Talking about painting the nursery.
You don't have to paint the nursery anymore.
You've been reassigned.
You guys are throwing me a baby shower.
A baby shower? Do we have to? No, you can throw me a wedding shower or whatever you want to call it, As long as the gifts add up to 400 bucks.
Here you go.
Here's the guest list.
Mother, there's like, a thousand people on this list.
"ross perot"? - "oprah winfrey"? - yeah see, they don't know That they don't know me.
For my wedding, I got a great bottle of wine from spiro agnew.
- but, mom-- - no buts about it.
You two are ingrates.
Don't you remember all the times I made you pudding? - okay, we'll do it.
- what? Eh, sure, what the hell? Well? Fine, we'll throw you a shower.
Oh.
That is just so sweet.
My two daughters, Working together to give me a baby shower.
Oh.
So great.
I love you both so much.
I'm gonna have to make you some pudding.
Someday.
What a basket case.
When she hugged me, I knew true fear.
Well, I guess we should decide who does what.
How about you do the invitations and i'll make the food? Whoa, cowgirl, i've done my part.
I volunteered us.
Wait, you're not gonna stick me with this.
Well, you stuck me with painting the nursery.
Becky, this isn't about you for once.
This is about mom's other baby.
Ooh! Cuts both ways, doesn't it? Hey, you're not getting out of this, Darlene.
Why do you have to be so lazy? You know, that's just like you, Becky-- Assuming that this is the only shower I have to work on.
Whoa! Wow.
Nice job, David.
Thanks.
Hey, I know this guys' shower Was Mrs.
Conner's idea, but I think it's great.
I mean, why should women get to have all the fun? Men like babies.
- we're not animals.
- yeah.
Now I called all the guys' wives and got all their baby pictures.
I thought it would be fun if we tried to match the guys' pictures to their timecards.
Isn't that fun? You don't hang out with a lot of mechanics, do you, David? Hey, guys, i'm not quite finished setting up yet.
I still have pizza rolls in the toaster oven.
( chuckles ) no, you don't.
Congratulations, Dan.
Yeah, we all chipped in and got you $45.
- thanks, guys.
- well, better get back to work, huh? Yeah, they don't pay us to stand around, right? Hey hey.
We're a present short.
You pull back on those hors d'oeuvres.
Oh, look at this place.
Oh, Becky and Darlene did a great job.
Yeah, didn't they? They got food and a lot of places to sit-- Although not too many places to sit so people won't linger.
Hello, Jackie.
That's my other daughter, the one I told you about.
Who are these women and why are they here? They're mom's friends, and the great thing is that most of them are senile, So we can hit 'em up for presents twice.
Roseanne, you asked me to invite all my friends, And so far you haven't even said one word to them.
Well, can I pick the word? - Roseanne! - okay.
Hi.
Sorry about your husband.
Thank you.
What happened to her husband? I don't know.
I'm just playing the odds.
Hi.
Sorry about your husband.
You know, I could use some help out there.
Yeah, i've been watching, and you could.
I can't believe you, Darlene.
I've had to do everything myself.
You were the one that wanted all this fancy stuff.
If it was up to me, i'd just put out a 50-lb bag of old-people chow.
Okay, Darlene, you got your revenge for painting the stupid nursery.
Now the least you could do is take these stuffed mushrooms out there.
Isn't it enough that I pretended to wash them? Hey, come on.
We need to get to the part where I open up the old ladies' gifts.
One of them could die and then the present would be wrapped up in probate.
- what do you got there? - stuffed mushrooms.
- oh.
Well, they look pretty good.
- well, thanks.
I made the mushrooms! There's no "I" in "team," Becky.
I just want to say something to you guys.
I know that you got roped into doing this, but I want to tell you How happy it makes me that you pulled together and pulled this whole thing off.
It's so great how you guys are turning into such really cool adults, And that makes me feel like I could really raise another one.
It was no problem, mom.
Yeah, it was our pleasure.
Hey, you guys, try my special stuffed mushrooms.
- oh! - oh, Darlene! What's with the fruit? Making a fruit punch.
I've always found the best way to make fruit punch is to, uh, Put in a carton of fruit punch and add another carton of fruit punch.
Mother, it's better this way.
Okay, but i'd rather have it fast than good.
Last call! Good, you're here.
Okay, girls.
Baby games, baby games.
Now i've got buttons, i've got string, I've got pipe cleaners and yarn.
It's time to play "make a potato baby.
" Everybody grab a russet, And remember you're only limited by your imagination.
You'll be judged on neatness and originality.
- now in case of a tie-- - present time! Here you go, Roseanne.
Hope you like these.
Gee, thanks, Crystal.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Man! Hey, that looks like it came from a pretty expensive boutique.
Oh no, ma'am.
I made it myself.
Oh.
Here, Roseanne.
Because I love you and everything that comes out of you.
What is it? It's a gift certificate to have your baby's zodiac chart done after she's born.
Hey, telling one of my kids what their future's gonna be Is no gift, believe me.
Darlene, these stuffed mushrooms are great! Thanks.
I chewed up the croutons myself.
Here you are, dear.
My children are all doing very well, And since marvin passed on, I don't really have anything to do with my money, so Well, you certainly came to the right place.
Oh.
"in honor of your baby, A tree has been planted in israel.
" There you are, Beck.
The world's last surviving confederate widow Wants another drink.
Darlene Don't get up, Roseanne.
I know the drill.
Here's the gift.
Here's the receipt.
I'll just put 'em in the car.
Hey, let's play a new game now, okay? Um, it's called "unwrapping your gift.
" Everybody get the gift that they brought me and unwrap it and make two piles.
This pile here, put the stores Where you bought it closest to my house; And the ones farthest away, put over there.
Well, look at 'em go.
Hey, Becky, we're all done with the mushrooms.
Start frying up them potato babies.
She's not in the kitchen.
She and Darlene went upstairs a minute ago.
Oh, man.
I got to go up there and break 'em up.
"break 'em up" why? They're getting along great.
No, they're not.
They've been fighting all week.
It's been nothing but trouble ever since Becky dipped her chocolate in darlene's peanut butter.
- need some help? - no, I can do it.
D.
J.
! Get back downstairs, Darlene.
Get out of my life, Becky.
I'm not asking for much.
It's not like i'm asking you to shave your pits or something.
You're just mad 'cause your body hasn't grown into your butt yet.
Hey, I am sick of your crap.
You get downstairs and do something.
No, you're the one that wants to be the perfect daughter, So you go downstairs and serve mushrooms and paint the nursery, And afterwards you can entertain the queen with riddles.
Hey, i'm not trying to be the perfect daughter, okay? I'm trying to be a decent human being.
Oh, bull.
You are always kissing mom's ass.
- you get down there now! - no! - I said go! - stop it, Becky! - let go! - stop it! - ow, get off me! - hey hey hey! Knock it off! If you guys can't do your braids nicely, then don't do 'em at all.
- she started it.
- bull! Okay well, enough is enough.
You're over there and you're over there, And both of you shut the hell up.
What's gotten into you guys? I can't believe you're back into the fighting thing.
If you don't stop, i'm Wow.
Wow.
That was deja vu.
- what? - this, all this-- you guys fighting again.
You on that bed, you on that bed, both of you wanting to kill each other.
It's kind of nice, you know? - it is? - yeah.
I miss it.
I miss my girls.
But, damn it, I can't do this anymore.
I have a child inside of me who really is a child, And you guys can't keep fighting like you're 12 years old.
This wasn't a kid fight, mother.
This was an adult fight.
Oh really? - D.
J.
! - what are you calling him for? You'll see.
Hey, I didn't push that lady.
She just fell.
This is nothing to do with that.
Darlene and Becky are fighting again.
Do you remember the stuff I used to say to them? - yeah.
- well, tell 'em.
Darlene, stop acting like such a smart-mouthed little brat.
And Becky, stop acting like a martyr.
If you two can't get along, i'll lock you in your room until you do.
Now I don't want to hear another peep out of either one of you During "the love boat.
" Well done, son.
Thanks.
Can I have a car? You guys know that i'm always gonna be your mom, But now i'm only gonna do that if you have 19- and 21-year-old problems.
If you're gonna go pulling all the little-girl crap, Then you can just go to D.
J.
Hey, what are you doing here? I decided to come home early and roll the drunks.
Jackie told me Becky and Darlene were fighting.
Yeah well, it's no big deal.
I just put D.
J.
on it.
Let's go count up the loot.
D.
J.
: all right, you heard her.
I'm the boss now.
Hey! Oh, look, Dan! D.
J.
's gotten so much taller! ( theme song playing ) ( Roseanne laughs )