Seinfeld s08e01 Episode Script

Well, it's a magnificent stone.
They put it up this morning.
It's just a magnificent stone.
Jerry? George we'll leave you alone with her.
- What? - I'm sure there are things you'd like to say.
No, I'm good.
Really.
Jerry? Jerry? Thank you, no.
And then right after the All-Star break we we just swept the Orioles.
Four games.
In Baltimore.
So Boy, that was awkward.
I don't mind the cemetery.
In fact, now I see why people like golf.
It's just nice to be outside in a well-landscaped area.
What were you saying to the Rosses anyway? Oh, man, I don't know.
I told them, "Her death takes place in the shadow of new life.
She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her.
" - What is that? - Star Trek II.
Wrath of Khan.
Right.
Kramer and I saw it last night.
Spock dies.
They wrap him up in a towel and they shoot him out the bowels of the ship in that big sunglasses case.
It was a hell of a thing when Spock died.
Yeah.
Well, anyway the stone is up.
Paid my respects.
- I guess that's it, huh? - So it's over? I have mourned for three long months, summer months too.
Anybody could grieve in January.
It's time for George to start being George again.
All right.
So let's do something later.
- How about a movie? - Yes! Nothing says "George" like a movie.
- Movie? - Yeah, you in? No, no, no, I can't.
I got my martial arts class.
George is going to the movies.
So how's your karate class going? Karate, Jerry, karate.
It's the lifetime pursuit of balance and harmony.
But with punching and kicking.
Jerry.
Karate is not here: It's here: And here: And here: All right.
I gotta go to the airport and pick up Elaine.
What, she's been away? She's been in Mexico for six weeks.
I think you're wrong.
We just went to the fireworks the other day.
That was July 4th.
I'm out of here.
When I get back I don't wanna see you here: Here or here: It was unbelievable.
Six weeks of traveling through Mexico all on Petermars peso.
Did you get any good ideas for the catalogue? - Tons.
- Anything you couldn't have gotten tearing open a bag of Doritos and watching Viva Zapata? You don't respect my work at all, do you? - No, I don't.
- No.
So, what's been going on around this dump? How's your fiancée? My what? Jeannie? Your fiancée? Oh, yeah.
That.
Well All right.
Spill it, Jerome.
There's really not that much to tell.
About a month ago we were here having lunch and all of a sudden we both just blurted out: - I hate you.
- I hate you.
- See you.
- See you.
It was unprecedented.
I mean, it was the first truly mutual breakup in relationship history.
No rejection, no guilt, no remorse.
You've never felt remorse.
I know.
I feel bad about that.
I bet your parents were upset, huh? - You haven't told them yet, have you? - No.
So I pressed through the rushes.
There below me, the shimmering waters of Lake Victoria.
Oh, for the love of God, man.
Just tell me what the product is.
It's a washcloth.
No washcloths.
Well, Mr.
Peterman l've got a really good idea for a hat.
Oh, my neck is one gargantuan monkey fist.
It combines the spirit of old Mexico with a little big-city panache.
I like to call it the "urban sombrero.
" No, no.
No pears.
- Mr.
Peterman? - No apples.
Where's my pineapple? Are you okay, Mr.
Peterman? Yes, yes, go on.
Go on.
Go on.
Well, see, it's businessmen taking siestas.
You know, it's the urban sombrero.
Mr.
Peterman? I'm feeling something, something I haven't felt for a long time.
- Pride? - No.
Autonomy, complete and total autonomy.
Well, you're your own boss now.
- I wanna go to a tractor pull.
- Go ahead.
- I am staying out all night.
- Who's stopping you? I wanna bite into a big hunk of cheese, just bite into it like it's an apple.
Whatever.
- Oh, God.
- What? - It's Dolores.
- Who? Mulva.
- Jerry, hi.
- Hi, Dolores.
George, you remember Dolores.
- Dolores.
- Hi.
I heard you got engaged.
Yes, Dolores, I did.
It didn't work out, though, Dolores.
Oh, that's too bad.
You know, we should get together some time.
- See you.
- See you.
Bye, Dolores.
I thought Mulva hated you.
Yeah, so did I.
You know what? I bet it was the engagement.
I've shown I can go all the way.
- All the way? - Not our all the way.
Their all the way.
I got the stink of responsibility on me.
You were engaged for a minute.
- I was engaged for a year.
- You stink worse than I do.
I'm feeling something else here, Jerry.
Elaine, Mr.
Peterman on line one.
Hello, Mr.
Peterman, how are you feeling? Elaine, I'll be blunt.
I'm burnt out.
I'm fried.
My mind is as barren as the surface of the moon.
I can run that catalogue no longer.
What? Who's gonna do it? - What about you? - Me? - Why me? - Why, indeed.
Mr.
Peterman, you can't leave.
I've already left, Elaine.
I'm in Burma.
- Burma? - You most likely know it as Myanmar.
But it will always be Burma to me.
Bonne chance, Elaine.
You there, on the motorbike, sell me one of your melons.
Mr.
Peterman? - Where? - Burma.
Isn't it Myanmar now? Jerry, he wants me to run the catalogue.
I mean, it's crazy.
I can't be in charge.
No, certainly not.
- I can't give people orders.
- No one's gonna listen to you.
I am not qualified to run the catalogue.
You're not qualified to work at the catalogue.
Hey.
- What's wrong? - Oh, Peterman ran off to Burma.
And now he wants me to run the catalogue.
- Where? - Myanmar.
Is that the discount pharmacy? Well, I'm just going to tell him no.
I can't run the catalogue.
Whoa, "can't"? When did that word enter your vocabulary? What? Is the job too difficult? What? You don't have enough experience? You're not smart enough? Where's your confidence? Elaine, let me tell you a story.
- When I first started karate - Karate? Yeah, karate.
I had no support.
Not from him, not from Newman, no one.
First time I sparred with an opponent I was terrified.
My legs, they were like noodles.
Then I looked inside, and I found my katra.
- "Katra"? - Yeah, your spirit, your being.
That part of you that says, "Yes, I can.
" Sammy Davis had it.
So I listened to my katra, and now l'm dominating the dojo.
I'm class champion.
Well, you know, I have watched Peterman run the company.
Sure, you have.
I know how to do it.
Pair of pants, stupid story, a huge markup.
I can do that.
You follow your katra and you can do anything.
- Now get out of here.
- Okay.
That kid is gonna be all right.
No, she's not.
Come on, Kramer.
- Hey there.
- Come on.
- Mom's down in the car.
- Okay, Joey.
You have class at the same time? No, we're in the same class.
You're in the same class? He almost beat me.
Kramer, you're fighting children? We're all at the same skill level, Jerry.
He's 9 years old.
You don't need karate.
You can just wring his neck.
I got car pool.
Thanks for the juice box, Mrs.
Z.
Hey, can we stop for ice cream on the way home, Mom? - I don't know about - Please.
- Please, please.
- Please.
Please.
- All right.
- Yeah! You're taking the job? You got that straight.
Now, I want four new ideas from each of you by 6:00.
No, make that six ideas by 4:00.
All right.
Let's move.
Move! Move! Move! Are you prepared for kumite? - Yes, Sensei.
- Yes, Sensei.
Fighting stance.
Begin.
Winner.
It's open.
- Rosses.
- Hello, George.
Come in.
Come in.
We tried to call, but the line was busy.
Oh, oh, yeah.
Sure, sure.
Sit down, please.
Cheese there? We know the last three months have been hard on you.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Very, very hard.
And they've been hard on us too.
It's a terrible tragedy when parents outlive their children.
Yes, I agree.
I hope my parents go long before I do.
That's why we decided to create a foundation to preserve Susars memory.
Oh, that's wonderful.
And, of course, we want you to be an integral part.
Yes, integ How? How integral? You'll be on the board of directors.
Great.
Great.
Oh, oh, oh, gosh, you know, it's just My duties with the Yankees Oh, don't worry, George.
The foundation will revolve around your schedule.
Evening, weekends, whenever you have free time.
I can't believe this is happening.
Well, it wouldn't have without your friend Jerry's inspirational words.
He said to us, "She's not really dead if her shadow is" - What was it, dear? - Something about a way, wasrt it? And a light and a Who the hell knows.
But what's important is that your relationship with Susan doesn't have to end.
So will you be sure to thank Jerry for us? The second I see him.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How's your day? Good? Actually, yeah, I'm meeting Mulva here in a few minutes.
So Wrath of Khan? Yeah, was that a beauty or what? What was that line again? Something about finding your way in a shadow? No, no, no, it's, "She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her.
" That's it.
That's the line that destroyed my life.
Problem? The Rosses have started up a foundation and I have to sit on the board of directors.
Hey, board of directors, look at you.
Yeah, look at me.
I was free and clear.
I was living the dream.
Stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery.
Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise.
Don't you see? I'm back in.
- All because of Wrath of Khan? - Yes.
Well, it was the best of those movies.
Khan! George? George? I'm Wyck Thayer, chairman of the Susan Ross Foundation.
- Wink? - Wyck.
- Wyck.
Now, as you know, the Rosses had considerable monies.
Well, l I know they have some monies.
They had more than some monies.
Many, many monies.
And they planned to give a sizable portion of their estate to you and Susan after the wedding.
So if Susan and I had I mean, if the envelopes hadrt - Then we - Yes.
- And now? - Not.
It's all been endowed to the foundation.
- Even this townouse.
- This townouse? Yes, this would have been your wedding gift.
- And now? - Not.
Not.
Also endowed.
George, I know how much Susan meant to you.
This can't be easy.
You know, it really can't.
So who broke it off? That's the thing.
It was mutual.
Oh, come on.
Everybody knows there's no such thing as a mutual breakup.
- Tell me the truth.
- I am.
It was the world's first.
You know, when I heard you got engaged I thought maybe you'd matured, but obviously there's no growth here.
I can't argue with that, but the fact remains I was completely Mulva.
- Hello.
- Please hold for Elaine Benes.
Oh, I don't believe this.
- Jerry? - Hey.
Hey, guess who just finished laying out her first issue of the J.
Peterman Catalogue.
- How does it look? - It's a peach.
- What's that? - I say, it's a peach.
Let me ask you something.
When I told you my breakup was mutual did you believe me? - No, no, no.
It's weak.
No one's gonna buy it, and you shouldn't be selling it.
I gotta do some research here.
Hey, hey.
Me, talking? You know between you and me I always thought Kramer was a bit of a doofus.
But he believed in me.
You did not.
So as I see it, he's not the doofus you are the doofus.
- Oh, I'm the doofus? - Yes.
You, Jerry, are the doofus.
You know, it occurs to me that Kramer is at karate right now.
Well, maybe I'll just go down there and thank him in person.
Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
Kramer? - Elaine.
- What are you doing? Well, I'm I'm dominating.
You never said you're fighting children.
Well, it's not the size of the opponent, Elaine.
It's the ferocity.
This is what you used to build me up? This is where you got all that stupid "katra" stuff? No, no, no, that's from Star Trek III.
- The Search for Spock.
- Search for Spock? Yeah, yeah, I know.
Jerry will tell you that the Wrath of Khan is the better picture, but for me, l - You doofus.
Okay, question number eight: What if I told you my fiancée left me for another man? Does that make me more likable, less likable, as likable? Let's start over here this time.
More.
Less.
- Same.
- Are we about through here? I thought you said your mom was meeting us in the alley.
She had a little change of plans.
What's going on? Hey, Timmy, Clara.
That was some kind of workout we had tonight, huh? Now we finish it.
Get him.
Mama! I wouldn't eat anything you caught in that pond out in front of the condo.
All right.
Look, Elaine's here.
I gotta get going.
By the way, I'm not getting married.
Tell Mom.
Bye.
So - Did you stop by the dojo? - Yup.
- How's your confidence level? - Shot.
- Self-esteem? - Gone.
Doofus? All right.
So what? You put out the catalogue.
How bad could it be? What is that? The urban sombrero.
I put it on the cover.
Well, nobody sees the cover.
What happened to you? I got whupped.
You should have seen the rage in their little eyes.
And those tiny little fists of fury.
What is that? It's the new cover of the J.
Peterman catalogue.
It is Elaine's choice.
Let's congratulate her.
This is all your fault.
You told me I could run the company.
Well, then I was way off.
Well, I'll see you.
I gotta go lay down.
Are you and George going out later? No, he's still stuck at the foundation.
You ought to go down there and help him out.
He's a widower.
Widower? Wait a second.
Okay, let's see.
The beach house, That should fetch a fair price.
- Would I have had access to that? - Of course.
Would have been yours.
And now? Not.
Got it.
- Hello.
- Hey, Georgie.
I'm doing some research at the coffee shop.
Your story's the one.
- My story? - Yeah, your widower story has tested through the roof.
When are you getting out of there? Excuse me, Wyck, are we almost done here? No, no, not even close.
I can't go.
What do you mean, you can't go? There's two really cute girls sitting at the counter eating grilled cheese.
Cheese, George.
Cheese.
Okay, next item, Susars doll collection.
Estimated value, 2.
6 million.
What do you say we go through this doll by doll.
It was nothing unusual.
Every afternoon for the last 24 years l'd shut the door to my office and sneak a little shuteye.
No one was the wiser.
But then my wife gets me this urban sombrero.
The next thing I know, my ass is out on the street.
I tried one too.
I woke up and found my walking papers tacked to the brim.
Stupid J.
Pendleton.
It's "Peterman.
" It's J.
Peterman.
I never thought a hat would destroy my life.