The King of Queens s08e01 Episode Script
Pole Lox
THAT WAS SWEET.
YEAH.
WHY DON'T YOU GO PUT ON A SKIRT, 'CAUSE YOU ARE MY BITCH.
I JUST BEAT YOU YOU MIGHT'VE WON BUT, UH, I HAD MORE TOTAL POINTS.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S POSSIBLE.
YOU LOST.
TAKE IT LIKE A MAN.
SWEET MARY.
SHOULD I WAIT FOR YOU, SHOULD I GO HOME? WHAT? WH-WHAT'S THE DEAL? OH, IT'S A POLE-DANCING CLASS.
THEY GOT THEM ALL OVER THE PLACE NOW.
WOW.
GLAD I WORE MY BAGGY SHORTS.
SOME WILD STUFF, HUH? SEE THE ONE IN THE MIDDLE? THAT'S MY WIFE.
SHE'S GOOD.
SHE'S LIMBER.
YEAH.
SHE'S BEEN DOING IT A COUPLE OF MONTHS.
IT'S A GREAT WORKOUT.
AND I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU.
IT'S BEEN A NICE ADDITION TO THE BEDROOM, KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? WHAT? YOU- YOUR WIFE POLE-DANCES FOR YOU IN YOUR HOME, IN YOUR BEDROOM? YEAH.
DEAC, HIS WIFE POLE-DANCES FOR HIM IN HIS BEDROOM.
DID YOU KNOW THAT KIND OF THING WAS GOING ON IN THE WORLD? UH-HUH.
WHY, YOU THINK YOU WANT CARRIE TO DO THAT FOR YOU? ACTUALLY, I WAS THINKING I WANT HIS WIFE TO DO IT FOR ME.
BUT CARRIE WOULD BE GOOD, TOO.
YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA SUGGEST IT TO HER? I CAN'T DO THAT.
IF SHE DIDN'T WANT TO DRESS UP AS BATGIRL, SHE AIN'T GONNA WANT TO DO THIS.
I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A LOT OF FUN.
SHE MIGHT GO FOR IT.
WHY, YOU THINK YOU COULD BRING THIS THING UP TO KELLY? I GUESS SO.
IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME.
WE GOT PLENTY GOING ON IN THE BEDROOM AS IT IS.
EVER GET TIRED OF BEING A RACIAL STEREOTYPE? NO.
DO YOU? AND THEN I GOT THE DRAGON IN ATLANTIC CITY A COUPLE YEARS AGO.
IT'S NICE.
IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S PRETTY MAD AT YOSEMITE SAM.
WHAT ABOUT YOU, CARRIE, YOU HAVE ANY TATS? TATTOOS? NO.
I HAVE A JOB, SO HEY, IT'S REALLY GREAT YOU GUYS HAD US OVER LIKE THIS.
I'M GLAD YOU CHASED US DOWN IN THE PARKING LOT, DOUG.
I JUST HAD AN INSTINCT, YOU KNOW? WHAT ELSE YOU GUYS INTO? I KNOW YOU WORK OUT 'CAUSE I MET YOU AT THE GYM.
I MEAN YEAH, I DO WEIGHTS, LIKE, 4 OR 5 TIMES A WEEK- EXCELLENT! HOW ABOUT YOU ANNA MARIA? WHAT DO YOU DO THERE? UM, TREADMILL.
OH.
AND? STAIRMASTER SOMETIMES.
ACTUALLY, I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT MORE- ANYTHING ELSE? ANYTHING ELSE YOU DO THERE? WELL, I'VE BEEN TAKING THAT POLE-DANCING CLASS.
THAT'S CRAZY.
POLE-DANCING.
CRAZY WHAT THESE CHICKS ARE INTO NOWADAYS.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, ED.
WHY DON'T WE LET THE LADIES TALK ABOUT THAT FOR A WHILE.
WE'LL GO GET ANOTHER BEER IN THE KITCHEN? OK.
I ALSO TAKE SPINNING ON TUESDAYS.
THEY JUST GOT SOME NEW EQUIP- POLE-DANCING! BYE, THANK YOU.
BYE, GUYS.
SEE YA.
HUH? OUR NEW GO-TO COUPLE.
MM-HMM.
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? WHAT? DID YOU ACTUALLY THINK YOU CAN TRICK ME INTO TAKING A POLE-DANCING-DUH- DAT GIRL POLE-DANCES.
ME WANNA POLE-DANCE, TOO.
I WASN'T TRYING TO TRICK YOU.
I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS A WAY TO SUGGEST IT.
I FIGURED IF I BROUGHT IT UP MYSELF, YOU'D GET MAD.
YEAH.
I'M MAD NOW.
MAD 'CAUSE I HAD TO MAKE STEAK FOR IDIOTS.
WHY DON'T YOU HAVE AN OPEN MIND? A LOT OF WOMEN ARE POLE-DANCING NOWADAYS.
IT'S A WHOLE THING, AND WE'RE MISSING IT.
NO.
I'M NOT MISSING IT.
YOU'RE MISSING IT.
I'M OK NOT GYRATING AROUND LIKE A 2-DOLLAR WHORE.
TRY IT ONCE.
OHH.
COME ON! DOUG, I AM NOT POLE-DANCING FOR YOU IN OUR BEDROOM.
THIS IS SO TYPICAL OF YOU, TOO.
AS SOON AS THE LIGHTS GO OUT UPSTAIRS, YOU'RE ONLY LOOKING OUT FOR YOURSELF.
THIS WOULDN'T BE JUST FOR ME.
IT WOULD BE FOR US.
LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING HERE.
OK? WHAT'S ALL THAT? JUST SOME FREE INFORMATION I GOT AT THE POLE-DANCING CLASS.
OK, LOOK.
ALL THESE WOMEN TALK ABOUT HOW AT FIRST THEY WERE SKEPTICAL, BUT AFTER THEY TRIED IT, THEY FELT MORE SEXUAL, MORE EMPOWERED.
HERE, LOOK AT THE SPANISH LADY HOLDING THE BRIEFCASE.
YO SOY "EMPOWERMENTE.
" NOT INTERESTED.
AT LEAST TAKE A LOOK AT THE VIDEO.
THEY GAVE YOU A VIDEO? THEY DIDN'T GIVE IT TO ME.
IT WAS 29.
95.
YOU KNOW WHAT, DOUG? YOUR POLE-DANCING FANTASY IS NOT GONNA HAPPEN, OK? SO JUST GIVE IT UP.
WELL, WE'RE ALREADY ON THE MAILING LIST.
WHAT THE HELL IS KATIE COURIC UP TO NOW? HEY, DAD.
DIDN'T HEAR YOU BACK THERE.
OH, IT'S A TAPE.
WHAT IS IT? UH, JUST AN INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO FROM A CLASS I MAY TAKE.
WELL, I'M LATE FOR WORK.
LOVE YA.
BYE-BYE.
"POLE CATS.
THE EROTIC ART OF POLE-DANCING.
" OH, DEAR GOD.
COME ON.
WHEN'S IT GETTING HERE? SIT DOWN, WILL YA? LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW IS NOT GONNA MAKE THE POLE GET HERE ANY FASTER.
IT'S ALMOST 5:00.
EXPRESS MAIL GUARANTEED DELIVERY BEFORE 5:00.
EXPRESS MAIL? WHY DIDN'T YOU USE US? US? WE SUCK.
I CAN'T BELIEVE CARRIE WENT FOR IT.
SHE DOESN'T SEEM LIKE THE PLEASING YOU TYPE.
SHE DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT AT FIRST, BUT AFTER SHE TRIED IT FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS, SHE REALLY LOVES IT.
SHE SAYS IT GETS HER IN TOUCH WITH HER INNER WHORE.
IT'S NICE.
AND THE RICH GET RICHER.
OH, MAN, I WANT THIS THING TO COME QUICK.
YOU KNOW, I AM READY FOR MY FIRST DANCE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? READY.
UH-HUH.
HEY, CHECK THIS OUT.
LOOK WHAT SHE MADE FOR ME.
COUPONS.
"GOOD FOR ONE FREE POLE DANCE FROM MISTY HEFFERNAN.
" DON'T YOU GUYS HAVE AN AUNT NAMED MISTY HEFFERNAN? YEAH.
SHE JUST HAD HIP SURGERY.
GOOD LADY.
GUESS WHO'S HERE.
THE POLE FAIRY.
SOMEONE JUST BOUGHT HIMSELF A NEW NICKNAME.
COME ON, GUYS, GIVE ME A HAND.
HEY, ARTHUR.
I'M GONNA MAKE A SANDWICH.
YOU WANT ONE? NOPE.
YOU SURE? A MAN WHO TURNS HIS OWN DAUGHTER INTO AN EXOTIC DANCER DOES NOT DESERVE TO EAT.
THEY'VE GOT FRESH CORNED BEEF.
NO! WELL, THERE IT GOES.
A 10-FOOT ARROW THROUGH MY HEART.
WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT? DAMN IT, MAN, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? WHEN A CHILD DOESN'T GET ENOUGH LOVE AND AFFECTION FROM HER OWN FATHER, SHE SEEKS IT FROM STRANGE MEN.
THAT'S WHY CARRIE'S DOING THIS.
BECAUSE I SPENT HER CHILDHOOD CHASING AFTER THE ALMIGHTY DOLLAR.
HOW'D THAT WORK OUT FOR YOU? LOOK, ARTHUR, YOU'RE GETTING WORKED UP OVER NOTHING.
SHE'S JUST GONNA DANCE FOR DOUG.
OH, SURE, THAT'S HOW IT STARTS.
THEN IT'S PEEP SHOWS, STRIP JOINTS, AND BEFORE LONG, SHE'S AT THE PORT AUTHORITY IN HOT PANTS, BECKONING DRUNKEN MARINES INTO THE BACK OF AN ABANDONED BUS.
WHAT'S THAT? PUMPERNICKEL? CUT ME OFF HALF.
DOUG.
YEAH? MISTY IS READY.
DON'T FORGET THE COUPON.
M- MISTY? I'M IN THE BATHROOM.
TURN ON THE MUSIC AND SETTLE IN, BIG BOY.
YEAH.
THE PELICAN BRIEF, BY JOHN GRISHAM.
THE CD! NOT THE TAPE! HEY.
SO HOW WAS OPENING NIGHT? OH.
THE POLE-DANCING.
IT WAS GOOD.
IT WAS GOOD.
ALL RIGHT.
SO, YOU IT WAS HOT? SIZZLIN'.
OHH.
SHE, UH SHE REALLY REALLY SHOULDN'T BE POLE-DANCING.
OH, REALLY? THAT'S TOO BAD.
NO GOOD? NO.
AWW.
SHE TRIED, GOD BLESS HER.
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, SHE WAS DOING EVERYTHING THEY TAUGHT HER AND GOING THROUGH THE MOVES.
I DEFINITELY GOT A SENSE OF WHAT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.
MAKES YOU REALLY APPRECIATE THE PROS, HUH? OH, YOU SAID IT, BROTHER.
ALL RIGHT, SO IT DIDN'T WORK OUT.
JUST GET RID OF THE POLE AND MOVE ON.
I CAN'T.
I'M THE ONE WHO GOT HER INTO IT, AND NOW SHE'S HOOKED.
SHE'S THINKING OF MAKING IT AN EVERY-NIGHT THING, AND SHE'S EVEN TALKING ABOUT PUTTING IN A SPOTLIGHT.
I GOTTA TELL YOU, DEAC, YOU WERE SMART FOR NOT GETTING KELLY INVOLVED.
UH, YEAH.
AHEM.
WHAT? IT'S JUST AFTER THAT DAY AT THE GYM, I ACTUALLY DID KIND OF SUGGEST IT TO KELLY, AND SHE'S BEEN DOING IT SINCE THEN.
REALLY? HOW IS SHE? SHE'S PRETTY DAMN GOOD.
GOOD MORNING.
HEY.
HONEY.
SO LAST NIGHT WAS OK? YEAH.
MM-HMM.
YEAH.
UH-HUH.
AND YOU WERE RIGHT.
YO SOY "EMPOWERMENTE.
" OH, AND BY THE WAY, BEFORE I FORGET, I GOT ANOTHER COUPON FOR YOU.
OH, THAT'S OK.
I REALLY HAVE SOME- TAKE IT.
OK, OK, YEAH, YEAH.
I'LL TAKE IT.
OK, UH, WE GOTTA GET GOING.
DEAC, COME ON.
YEAH, YEAH.
BYE, CARRIE.
ALL RIGHT, BYE, YOU GUYS.
BYE, DEAC.
SEE YOU LATER.
DARLING, I REALIZE I HAVEN'T BEEN GIVING YOU THE TIME AND ATTENTION YOU DESERVE.
ARE YOU FREE THIS SATURDAY AFTERNOON? UM - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST SAY YES! YES.
IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
DADDY'S HERE.
MAKE IT STOP! HEY, WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE? YOUR SHIFT WAS OVER YEAH, I KNOW.
JUST CLEANING OUT THE OLD LOCKER.
HEH.
YOU KNOW MY MOTTO.
A MESSY LOCKER'S THE DEVIL'S PLAYGROUND.
I THOUGHT YOUR MOTTO WAS "EAT THROUGH THE PAIN.
" GUY CAN'T HAVE LISTEN TO ME, PLAYER.
GO HOME.
I CAN'T.
SHE'S THERE LIMBERING UP AS WE SPEAK.
I CAN'T SIT IN THAT CHAIR AGAIN.
YOU CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS, MAN.
DEAC, SHE GAVE ME MORE COUPONS.
I USED TO-I USED TO LOVE POLE-DANCING.
I USED TO LOVE COUPONS.
I GOT AN ARBY'S COUPON IN MY WALLET FOR THE LAST 2 WEEKS.
I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT IT! IT'S TIME NOW.
NOTHING'S WORKED, SPENCE.
I'VE SHOWERED HER WITH FATHERLY AFFECTION FOR 2 ENTIRE WEEKS, BUT STILL SHE GOES BACK UP THERE EVERY NIGHT AND GETS HER FREAK ON FOR FATTY.
SO, WHERE DO YOU WANNA GET DINNER? OH, CAN I TALK YOU INTO ETHIOPIAN? NOT IN THE MOOD FOR GAZELLE, THANK YOU.
HEY, LOOK! THAT GIVES ME AN IDEA.
WHAT? I'LL GET ONE OF THE STRIPPERS TO COME HOME AND TELL CARRIE WHAT LIFE ON THE POLE IS REALLY LIKE, EVERY DEPRAVED AND PATHETIC DETAIL.
SHE'LL BE SCARED STRAIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? SOUNDS PRETTY STUPID.
COME ON.
DOESN'T LOOK CLEAN IN THERE.
PLEASE BE ASLEEP.
DOUG.
YEAH.
YOU'RE LAAATE.
NOT LATE ENOUGH.
WELCOME TO THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM.
COME IN.
WHY'D YOU TURN IT OFF? I DON'T KNOW.
I THOUGHT WE'D, UH, CHANGE IT UP A LITTLE TONIGHT.
OH, YEAH? OK, HOW ABOUT SOME DIFFERENT MUSIC? HOW ABOUT A LITTLE HOT FOR TEACHER? HEH HEH HEH.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
UH I THOUGHT MAYBE, YOU KNOW, MAYBE I'D DO SOMETHING FOR YOU, YOU KNOW.
YOU WANT A MASSAGE? HOW ABOUT A SEXY MASSAGE? OH.
YEAH.
I WOULD LOVE THAT.
ALL RIGHT.
HEH HEH HEH.
THERE WE GO.
ALL RIGHT.
MM-HMM.
OH, THAT'S NICE.
OH, IT IS, RIGHT? SO RELAXING I COULD JUST FALL ASLEEP.
JUST GO AHEAD THEN THERE, MISTY.
MM-MMM.
MISTY DOESN'T WANT TO SLEEP.
SHE HAS A NEW DANCE FOR HER MAN TONIGHT.
THAT'S OK.
SLEEP.
SLEEP, MISTY.
MM-MMM.
FIRST, A DANCE.
NO, YOU SLEEP.
SLEEP.
DOUG, GET OFF! OK.
JUST THOUGHT MISTY COULD USE A LITTLE SLEEP.
I KNOW, BUT THERE'LL BE ENOUGH TIME FOR THAT LATER.
STOP IT! WHAT? WHY'D YOU TURN THE MUSIC OFF, BABY? IT WAS EITHER THAT OR DIVE OUT THE WINDOW.
CARRIE CARRIE, YOU'RE HORRIBLE AT THIS.
WHAT, YOU THINK I'M HORRIBLE AT THIS? NO, NO.
YOU'RE NOT HORRIBLE.
THAT'S A LITTLE UNFAIR.
BUT YOU'RE NO, YOU ARE.
YOU'RE HORRIBLE.
WHAT, SO FOR THE LAST 2 WEEKS, YOU'VE JUST BEEN PRETENDING TO LIKE IT? KIND OF, YEAH.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
CARRIE, SO WHAT? THIS STUPID POLE THING DIDN'T WORK OUT.
WHO CARES? I STILL THINK YOU'RE THE SEXIEST WOMAN I'VE EVER KNOWN.
I MEAN, WE HAVE EACH OTHER, AND THAT'S THE ONLY DAMN THING THAT MATTERS.
OHH! YOU'RE AN ASS.
THIS WAS YOUR IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU KNOW.
I KNOW.
AND NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT I SUCK AT IT? I MEAN, DO YOU KNOW HOW HUMILIATING THIS IS? I KNOW.
WE'VE BOTH GONE THROUGH HELL THESE PAST 2 WEEKS.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT, DOUG? YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, BECAUSE MY INSTRUCTOR SAID I AM VERY, VERY TALENTED AT THIS.
YEAH.
THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE PAYING HER.
NO, NO.
I'M DOING THE MOVES EXACTLY LIKE SHE TAUGHT US.
OK, YOU MIGHT BE DOING THEM RIGHT TECHNICALLY, BUT YOU- YOU'RE JUST NOT NOT WHAT? LOOK, YOU YOU'RE NOT FEELING IT, OK? YOU'RE NOT LIVING IT.
LIKE THAT SPIN-KICK MOVE YOU DO YEAH.
YOU L- LET ME JUST SHOW YOU.
YOU NEED TO BECOME ONE WITH THE POLE, YOU KNOW? JUST FEEL IT.
JUST FEEL IT.
JUST HAVE FUN.
'CAUSE YOU GOTTA FEEL IT.
FEEL IT EVERY TIME.
YOU GOTTA BECOME ONE- AND JUST ENJOY IT.
ENJOY WHO YOU ARE, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? UH-HUH.
OH, AND THAT UPSIDE-DOWN MOVE YOU DO WHEN YOU GET UP THERE, YOU'RE HERE.
YOU GOTTA BE HERE LIKE THIS.
AND WHEN YOU SLIDE DOWN, YOU'RE AN ANGEL.
WHEN YOU'RE COMING DOWN, YOU'RE AN ANGEL.
I'M AN ANGEL, OK? AND THIS- AND THIS HERE.
OK? JUST FEEL IT.
LET IT-FEEL IT.
WORK IT AND BECOME IT.
CARRIE.
WE SHOULD PROBABLY SHUT THE DOOR.
YOUR FATHER.
NO.
MY DAD'S NOT HOME.
I STILL HAVEN'T HAD DINNER.
SHUT UP AND GET MORE SINGLES.
NICE TO SPEND TIME TOGETHER, HUH? I'M NOT GONNA STOP POLE-DANCING, ARTHUR.
FINE! THROW YOUR LIFE AWAY!
YEAH.
WHY DON'T YOU GO PUT ON A SKIRT, 'CAUSE YOU ARE MY BITCH.
I JUST BEAT YOU YOU MIGHT'VE WON BUT, UH, I HAD MORE TOTAL POINTS.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S POSSIBLE.
YOU LOST.
TAKE IT LIKE A MAN.
SWEET MARY.
SHOULD I WAIT FOR YOU, SHOULD I GO HOME? WHAT? WH-WHAT'S THE DEAL? OH, IT'S A POLE-DANCING CLASS.
THEY GOT THEM ALL OVER THE PLACE NOW.
WOW.
GLAD I WORE MY BAGGY SHORTS.
SOME WILD STUFF, HUH? SEE THE ONE IN THE MIDDLE? THAT'S MY WIFE.
SHE'S GOOD.
SHE'S LIMBER.
YEAH.
SHE'S BEEN DOING IT A COUPLE OF MONTHS.
IT'S A GREAT WORKOUT.
AND I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU.
IT'S BEEN A NICE ADDITION TO THE BEDROOM, KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? WHAT? YOU- YOUR WIFE POLE-DANCES FOR YOU IN YOUR HOME, IN YOUR BEDROOM? YEAH.
DEAC, HIS WIFE POLE-DANCES FOR HIM IN HIS BEDROOM.
DID YOU KNOW THAT KIND OF THING WAS GOING ON IN THE WORLD? UH-HUH.
WHY, YOU THINK YOU WANT CARRIE TO DO THAT FOR YOU? ACTUALLY, I WAS THINKING I WANT HIS WIFE TO DO IT FOR ME.
BUT CARRIE WOULD BE GOOD, TOO.
YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA SUGGEST IT TO HER? I CAN'T DO THAT.
IF SHE DIDN'T WANT TO DRESS UP AS BATGIRL, SHE AIN'T GONNA WANT TO DO THIS.
I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A LOT OF FUN.
SHE MIGHT GO FOR IT.
WHY, YOU THINK YOU COULD BRING THIS THING UP TO KELLY? I GUESS SO.
IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME.
WE GOT PLENTY GOING ON IN THE BEDROOM AS IT IS.
EVER GET TIRED OF BEING A RACIAL STEREOTYPE? NO.
DO YOU? AND THEN I GOT THE DRAGON IN ATLANTIC CITY A COUPLE YEARS AGO.
IT'S NICE.
IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S PRETTY MAD AT YOSEMITE SAM.
WHAT ABOUT YOU, CARRIE, YOU HAVE ANY TATS? TATTOOS? NO.
I HAVE A JOB, SO HEY, IT'S REALLY GREAT YOU GUYS HAD US OVER LIKE THIS.
I'M GLAD YOU CHASED US DOWN IN THE PARKING LOT, DOUG.
I JUST HAD AN INSTINCT, YOU KNOW? WHAT ELSE YOU GUYS INTO? I KNOW YOU WORK OUT 'CAUSE I MET YOU AT THE GYM.
I MEAN YEAH, I DO WEIGHTS, LIKE, 4 OR 5 TIMES A WEEK- EXCELLENT! HOW ABOUT YOU ANNA MARIA? WHAT DO YOU DO THERE? UM, TREADMILL.
OH.
AND? STAIRMASTER SOMETIMES.
ACTUALLY, I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT MORE- ANYTHING ELSE? ANYTHING ELSE YOU DO THERE? WELL, I'VE BEEN TAKING THAT POLE-DANCING CLASS.
THAT'S CRAZY.
POLE-DANCING.
CRAZY WHAT THESE CHICKS ARE INTO NOWADAYS.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, ED.
WHY DON'T WE LET THE LADIES TALK ABOUT THAT FOR A WHILE.
WE'LL GO GET ANOTHER BEER IN THE KITCHEN? OK.
I ALSO TAKE SPINNING ON TUESDAYS.
THEY JUST GOT SOME NEW EQUIP- POLE-DANCING! BYE, THANK YOU.
BYE, GUYS.
SEE YA.
HUH? OUR NEW GO-TO COUPLE.
MM-HMM.
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? WHAT? DID YOU ACTUALLY THINK YOU CAN TRICK ME INTO TAKING A POLE-DANCING-DUH- DAT GIRL POLE-DANCES.
ME WANNA POLE-DANCE, TOO.
I WASN'T TRYING TO TRICK YOU.
I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS A WAY TO SUGGEST IT.
I FIGURED IF I BROUGHT IT UP MYSELF, YOU'D GET MAD.
YEAH.
I'M MAD NOW.
MAD 'CAUSE I HAD TO MAKE STEAK FOR IDIOTS.
WHY DON'T YOU HAVE AN OPEN MIND? A LOT OF WOMEN ARE POLE-DANCING NOWADAYS.
IT'S A WHOLE THING, AND WE'RE MISSING IT.
NO.
I'M NOT MISSING IT.
YOU'RE MISSING IT.
I'M OK NOT GYRATING AROUND LIKE A 2-DOLLAR WHORE.
TRY IT ONCE.
OHH.
COME ON! DOUG, I AM NOT POLE-DANCING FOR YOU IN OUR BEDROOM.
THIS IS SO TYPICAL OF YOU, TOO.
AS SOON AS THE LIGHTS GO OUT UPSTAIRS, YOU'RE ONLY LOOKING OUT FOR YOURSELF.
THIS WOULDN'T BE JUST FOR ME.
IT WOULD BE FOR US.
LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING HERE.
OK? WHAT'S ALL THAT? JUST SOME FREE INFORMATION I GOT AT THE POLE-DANCING CLASS.
OK, LOOK.
ALL THESE WOMEN TALK ABOUT HOW AT FIRST THEY WERE SKEPTICAL, BUT AFTER THEY TRIED IT, THEY FELT MORE SEXUAL, MORE EMPOWERED.
HERE, LOOK AT THE SPANISH LADY HOLDING THE BRIEFCASE.
YO SOY "EMPOWERMENTE.
" NOT INTERESTED.
AT LEAST TAKE A LOOK AT THE VIDEO.
THEY GAVE YOU A VIDEO? THEY DIDN'T GIVE IT TO ME.
IT WAS 29.
95.
YOU KNOW WHAT, DOUG? YOUR POLE-DANCING FANTASY IS NOT GONNA HAPPEN, OK? SO JUST GIVE IT UP.
WELL, WE'RE ALREADY ON THE MAILING LIST.
WHAT THE HELL IS KATIE COURIC UP TO NOW? HEY, DAD.
DIDN'T HEAR YOU BACK THERE.
OH, IT'S A TAPE.
WHAT IS IT? UH, JUST AN INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO FROM A CLASS I MAY TAKE.
WELL, I'M LATE FOR WORK.
LOVE YA.
BYE-BYE.
"POLE CATS.
THE EROTIC ART OF POLE-DANCING.
" OH, DEAR GOD.
COME ON.
WHEN'S IT GETTING HERE? SIT DOWN, WILL YA? LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW IS NOT GONNA MAKE THE POLE GET HERE ANY FASTER.
IT'S ALMOST 5:00.
EXPRESS MAIL GUARANTEED DELIVERY BEFORE 5:00.
EXPRESS MAIL? WHY DIDN'T YOU USE US? US? WE SUCK.
I CAN'T BELIEVE CARRIE WENT FOR IT.
SHE DOESN'T SEEM LIKE THE PLEASING YOU TYPE.
SHE DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT AT FIRST, BUT AFTER SHE TRIED IT FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS, SHE REALLY LOVES IT.
SHE SAYS IT GETS HER IN TOUCH WITH HER INNER WHORE.
IT'S NICE.
AND THE RICH GET RICHER.
OH, MAN, I WANT THIS THING TO COME QUICK.
YOU KNOW, I AM READY FOR MY FIRST DANCE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? READY.
UH-HUH.
HEY, CHECK THIS OUT.
LOOK WHAT SHE MADE FOR ME.
COUPONS.
"GOOD FOR ONE FREE POLE DANCE FROM MISTY HEFFERNAN.
" DON'T YOU GUYS HAVE AN AUNT NAMED MISTY HEFFERNAN? YEAH.
SHE JUST HAD HIP SURGERY.
GOOD LADY.
GUESS WHO'S HERE.
THE POLE FAIRY.
SOMEONE JUST BOUGHT HIMSELF A NEW NICKNAME.
COME ON, GUYS, GIVE ME A HAND.
HEY, ARTHUR.
I'M GONNA MAKE A SANDWICH.
YOU WANT ONE? NOPE.
YOU SURE? A MAN WHO TURNS HIS OWN DAUGHTER INTO AN EXOTIC DANCER DOES NOT DESERVE TO EAT.
THEY'VE GOT FRESH CORNED BEEF.
NO! WELL, THERE IT GOES.
A 10-FOOT ARROW THROUGH MY HEART.
WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT? DAMN IT, MAN, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? WHEN A CHILD DOESN'T GET ENOUGH LOVE AND AFFECTION FROM HER OWN FATHER, SHE SEEKS IT FROM STRANGE MEN.
THAT'S WHY CARRIE'S DOING THIS.
BECAUSE I SPENT HER CHILDHOOD CHASING AFTER THE ALMIGHTY DOLLAR.
HOW'D THAT WORK OUT FOR YOU? LOOK, ARTHUR, YOU'RE GETTING WORKED UP OVER NOTHING.
SHE'S JUST GONNA DANCE FOR DOUG.
OH, SURE, THAT'S HOW IT STARTS.
THEN IT'S PEEP SHOWS, STRIP JOINTS, AND BEFORE LONG, SHE'S AT THE PORT AUTHORITY IN HOT PANTS, BECKONING DRUNKEN MARINES INTO THE BACK OF AN ABANDONED BUS.
WHAT'S THAT? PUMPERNICKEL? CUT ME OFF HALF.
DOUG.
YEAH? MISTY IS READY.
DON'T FORGET THE COUPON.
M- MISTY? I'M IN THE BATHROOM.
TURN ON THE MUSIC AND SETTLE IN, BIG BOY.
YEAH.
THE PELICAN BRIEF, BY JOHN GRISHAM.
THE CD! NOT THE TAPE! HEY.
SO HOW WAS OPENING NIGHT? OH.
THE POLE-DANCING.
IT WAS GOOD.
IT WAS GOOD.
ALL RIGHT.
SO, YOU IT WAS HOT? SIZZLIN'.
OHH.
SHE, UH SHE REALLY REALLY SHOULDN'T BE POLE-DANCING.
OH, REALLY? THAT'S TOO BAD.
NO GOOD? NO.
AWW.
SHE TRIED, GOD BLESS HER.
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, SHE WAS DOING EVERYTHING THEY TAUGHT HER AND GOING THROUGH THE MOVES.
I DEFINITELY GOT A SENSE OF WHAT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.
MAKES YOU REALLY APPRECIATE THE PROS, HUH? OH, YOU SAID IT, BROTHER.
ALL RIGHT, SO IT DIDN'T WORK OUT.
JUST GET RID OF THE POLE AND MOVE ON.
I CAN'T.
I'M THE ONE WHO GOT HER INTO IT, AND NOW SHE'S HOOKED.
SHE'S THINKING OF MAKING IT AN EVERY-NIGHT THING, AND SHE'S EVEN TALKING ABOUT PUTTING IN A SPOTLIGHT.
I GOTTA TELL YOU, DEAC, YOU WERE SMART FOR NOT GETTING KELLY INVOLVED.
UH, YEAH.
AHEM.
WHAT? IT'S JUST AFTER THAT DAY AT THE GYM, I ACTUALLY DID KIND OF SUGGEST IT TO KELLY, AND SHE'S BEEN DOING IT SINCE THEN.
REALLY? HOW IS SHE? SHE'S PRETTY DAMN GOOD.
GOOD MORNING.
HEY.
HONEY.
SO LAST NIGHT WAS OK? YEAH.
MM-HMM.
YEAH.
UH-HUH.
AND YOU WERE RIGHT.
YO SOY "EMPOWERMENTE.
" OH, AND BY THE WAY, BEFORE I FORGET, I GOT ANOTHER COUPON FOR YOU.
OH, THAT'S OK.
I REALLY HAVE SOME- TAKE IT.
OK, OK, YEAH, YEAH.
I'LL TAKE IT.
OK, UH, WE GOTTA GET GOING.
DEAC, COME ON.
YEAH, YEAH.
BYE, CARRIE.
ALL RIGHT, BYE, YOU GUYS.
BYE, DEAC.
SEE YOU LATER.
DARLING, I REALIZE I HAVEN'T BEEN GIVING YOU THE TIME AND ATTENTION YOU DESERVE.
ARE YOU FREE THIS SATURDAY AFTERNOON? UM - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST SAY YES! YES.
IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
DADDY'S HERE.
MAKE IT STOP! HEY, WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE? YOUR SHIFT WAS OVER YEAH, I KNOW.
JUST CLEANING OUT THE OLD LOCKER.
HEH.
YOU KNOW MY MOTTO.
A MESSY LOCKER'S THE DEVIL'S PLAYGROUND.
I THOUGHT YOUR MOTTO WAS "EAT THROUGH THE PAIN.
" GUY CAN'T HAVE LISTEN TO ME, PLAYER.
GO HOME.
I CAN'T.
SHE'S THERE LIMBERING UP AS WE SPEAK.
I CAN'T SIT IN THAT CHAIR AGAIN.
YOU CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS, MAN.
DEAC, SHE GAVE ME MORE COUPONS.
I USED TO-I USED TO LOVE POLE-DANCING.
I USED TO LOVE COUPONS.
I GOT AN ARBY'S COUPON IN MY WALLET FOR THE LAST 2 WEEKS.
I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT IT! IT'S TIME NOW.
NOTHING'S WORKED, SPENCE.
I'VE SHOWERED HER WITH FATHERLY AFFECTION FOR 2 ENTIRE WEEKS, BUT STILL SHE GOES BACK UP THERE EVERY NIGHT AND GETS HER FREAK ON FOR FATTY.
SO, WHERE DO YOU WANNA GET DINNER? OH, CAN I TALK YOU INTO ETHIOPIAN? NOT IN THE MOOD FOR GAZELLE, THANK YOU.
HEY, LOOK! THAT GIVES ME AN IDEA.
WHAT? I'LL GET ONE OF THE STRIPPERS TO COME HOME AND TELL CARRIE WHAT LIFE ON THE POLE IS REALLY LIKE, EVERY DEPRAVED AND PATHETIC DETAIL.
SHE'LL BE SCARED STRAIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? SOUNDS PRETTY STUPID.
COME ON.
DOESN'T LOOK CLEAN IN THERE.
PLEASE BE ASLEEP.
DOUG.
YEAH.
YOU'RE LAAATE.
NOT LATE ENOUGH.
WELCOME TO THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM.
COME IN.
WHY'D YOU TURN IT OFF? I DON'T KNOW.
I THOUGHT WE'D, UH, CHANGE IT UP A LITTLE TONIGHT.
OH, YEAH? OK, HOW ABOUT SOME DIFFERENT MUSIC? HOW ABOUT A LITTLE HOT FOR TEACHER? HEH HEH HEH.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
UH I THOUGHT MAYBE, YOU KNOW, MAYBE I'D DO SOMETHING FOR YOU, YOU KNOW.
YOU WANT A MASSAGE? HOW ABOUT A SEXY MASSAGE? OH.
YEAH.
I WOULD LOVE THAT.
ALL RIGHT.
HEH HEH HEH.
THERE WE GO.
ALL RIGHT.
MM-HMM.
OH, THAT'S NICE.
OH, IT IS, RIGHT? SO RELAXING I COULD JUST FALL ASLEEP.
JUST GO AHEAD THEN THERE, MISTY.
MM-MMM.
MISTY DOESN'T WANT TO SLEEP.
SHE HAS A NEW DANCE FOR HER MAN TONIGHT.
THAT'S OK.
SLEEP.
SLEEP, MISTY.
MM-MMM.
FIRST, A DANCE.
NO, YOU SLEEP.
SLEEP.
DOUG, GET OFF! OK.
JUST THOUGHT MISTY COULD USE A LITTLE SLEEP.
I KNOW, BUT THERE'LL BE ENOUGH TIME FOR THAT LATER.
STOP IT! WHAT? WHY'D YOU TURN THE MUSIC OFF, BABY? IT WAS EITHER THAT OR DIVE OUT THE WINDOW.
CARRIE CARRIE, YOU'RE HORRIBLE AT THIS.
WHAT, YOU THINK I'M HORRIBLE AT THIS? NO, NO.
YOU'RE NOT HORRIBLE.
THAT'S A LITTLE UNFAIR.
BUT YOU'RE NO, YOU ARE.
YOU'RE HORRIBLE.
WHAT, SO FOR THE LAST 2 WEEKS, YOU'VE JUST BEEN PRETENDING TO LIKE IT? KIND OF, YEAH.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
CARRIE, SO WHAT? THIS STUPID POLE THING DIDN'T WORK OUT.
WHO CARES? I STILL THINK YOU'RE THE SEXIEST WOMAN I'VE EVER KNOWN.
I MEAN, WE HAVE EACH OTHER, AND THAT'S THE ONLY DAMN THING THAT MATTERS.
OHH! YOU'RE AN ASS.
THIS WAS YOUR IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU KNOW.
I KNOW.
AND NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT I SUCK AT IT? I MEAN, DO YOU KNOW HOW HUMILIATING THIS IS? I KNOW.
WE'VE BOTH GONE THROUGH HELL THESE PAST 2 WEEKS.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT, DOUG? YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, BECAUSE MY INSTRUCTOR SAID I AM VERY, VERY TALENTED AT THIS.
YEAH.
THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE PAYING HER.
NO, NO.
I'M DOING THE MOVES EXACTLY LIKE SHE TAUGHT US.
OK, YOU MIGHT BE DOING THEM RIGHT TECHNICALLY, BUT YOU- YOU'RE JUST NOT NOT WHAT? LOOK, YOU YOU'RE NOT FEELING IT, OK? YOU'RE NOT LIVING IT.
LIKE THAT SPIN-KICK MOVE YOU DO YEAH.
YOU L- LET ME JUST SHOW YOU.
YOU NEED TO BECOME ONE WITH THE POLE, YOU KNOW? JUST FEEL IT.
JUST FEEL IT.
JUST HAVE FUN.
'CAUSE YOU GOTTA FEEL IT.
FEEL IT EVERY TIME.
YOU GOTTA BECOME ONE- AND JUST ENJOY IT.
ENJOY WHO YOU ARE, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? UH-HUH.
OH, AND THAT UPSIDE-DOWN MOVE YOU DO WHEN YOU GET UP THERE, YOU'RE HERE.
YOU GOTTA BE HERE LIKE THIS.
AND WHEN YOU SLIDE DOWN, YOU'RE AN ANGEL.
WHEN YOU'RE COMING DOWN, YOU'RE AN ANGEL.
I'M AN ANGEL, OK? AND THIS- AND THIS HERE.
OK? JUST FEEL IT.
LET IT-FEEL IT.
WORK IT AND BECOME IT.
CARRIE.
WE SHOULD PROBABLY SHUT THE DOOR.
YOUR FATHER.
NO.
MY DAD'S NOT HOME.
I STILL HAVEN'T HAD DINNER.
SHUT UP AND GET MORE SINGLES.
NICE TO SPEND TIME TOGETHER, HUH? I'M NOT GONNA STOP POLE-DANCING, ARTHUR.
FINE! THROW YOUR LIFE AWAY!