Bob's Burgers s08e02 Episode Script

1 Two more pages.
Oh, I don't think I'm gonna make it.
One word at a time, sweetie.
Push through.
- I need water.
Oh! - What's going on? Louise is reading Old Yeller.
I believe it's pronounced "old yellow.
" Uh, why? I mean, I wish I wasn't asking why one of my kids is reading a book, but I am.
It's for a school read-a-thon.
If the entire student body reads 500 books, we earn a trip to Wetty, Set, Go water park.
Oh.
Is that place back open? I thought it was closed because of the The kid who lost a finger? The diarrhea in the wave pool? - Fake lifeguards? - The flesh-eating bacteria? - Yes, all of those.
- No, it's back open.
Everybody, quiet! Yeller's got rabies, so a vet's probably about to come and cure him, and that'll be that.
- Oh, God.
- I don't think that's what happ Ah! Holy crap! - Yeah, sorry.
- Yeah.
This is why I don't read.
- - And by the end, the pigs are walking on their hind legs, and callin' all the shots.
The dream of an animal utopia is over.
Count it.
Charlotte totally dies, and then I used the book to kill a spider and that, like, really made me think.
(sighs heavily) Count it.
Ahh! Someone come quick! And so, apparently, in all children's literature, a really nice animal dies in the end.
And that is not cool, Reading.
- Not cool.
- Yeah, you said it, honey.
Well, put it on the board, because that's 500.
Wetty, Set, Go, here we come.
(cheering) Attention! There has been a grisly crime committed in my office.
My therapy dolls have been mutilated.
Dude, what? - (dramatic music) - Whoa.
B.
O.
Theo, Lynn-Secure, Pierre Pressure Some of the others I'll have to identify from yarn records.
Wasn't ready to see that.
Oh, boy.
What sick, twisted, but really creative kid did this? For all I know, you did, Louise.
No, no, no.
This wasn't me.
LOUISE: This is cray-cray cray.
- It's three crays.
- What I do know is, there will be no trip to the water park, until the fiend who did this is caught or comes forward.
- No way! - No! Come on! (slurps) Sorry.
I'm self-medicating with a soothing Caramel Chamomile from the new pod coffee machine in the teachers lounge.
I wondered why you smelled like my aunt.
Yeah, you smell just like his aunt.
Yes, I've heard this before, I smell like your aunt, yes.
You know what? This whole thing has kind of a Millie touch.
Remember those homemade "presents" she put in my locker? (quick screams) Millie! Millie is the one student I know didn't do it.
She's at home this week recovering from an extensive orthodontia procedure.
Why didn't she wait till she's in her 40s to get braces? Like Gwen Stefani.
Can't believe I read for nothing! I want that water park.
Maybe Mr.
Frond will catch whoever did it.
Him? He couldn't catch his butt with two hands.
We got to solve this ourselves.
Take some pictures, gather some evidence Put the evidence in little baggies, label the baggies, put the baggies in an evidence locker.
But where are we gonna get little baggies?! (bell tinkles) Hey, guys.
You know Janine, from the stationary store? - Hi.
- Sure.
How's it going over there? Great, right? People are never gonna stop buying birthday cards.
- Actually, people have stopped buying birthday cards.
- Oh.
But I still sell a lot of staples and paperclips.
The Internet can't hold two pieces of paper together.
- Not yet.
- Janine and I have news.
We're partners.
Not romantic partners.
- Right? No.
- Mm-mm.
- No, we are not.
- No, we're not.
Teddy and I are going into the inspirational poster business.
Oh, I love those posters.
That baby with the spaghetti on his head.
That got me through my thirties.
Yeah, it's a funny story how it all came together.
I was up on a ladder fixing Janine's ceiling fan and I fell onto a bunch of erasers.
Oh, that's kind of lucky.
Soft erasers.
They were on a glass shelf.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, so that broke.
And under that were X-Acto knives.
- Pointed up.
- Oh.
Still don't know why you store 'em that way.
- It's a display, it looks better.
- Right.
So I was lying there bleeding somewhat heavily, and I said to myself, "Shake it off, today is tomorrow's yesterday.
" And I said, "Hey, Shakespeare, that would go great on a poster.
" Turns out Janine's been taking pictures for years, just waiting for the perfect poster phrase.
- I've got beaches, I've got clouds - Yeah.
I've got a monkey holding a banana like a phone.
Who's he calling? (laughs) It's fun to imagine, right? Eh Michael Jackson.
We finally settled on a sunrise.
Or maybe it's a sunset, we don't know.
The sun was in my eyes, I couldn't tell.
(chuckles) And I was high.
So we printed up 1,000, and here we are.
- 1,000 sounds like a lot.
- Bob! - We already sold one.
- Great.
To, to who? Well, to you, right? Don't you want one? - Of course we want one.
- Uh, uh - I want one.
- Yeah, sure.
- We'll take two.
- Wait, why would we want two of the same poster? 'Cause what if we both want to look at it? I want to look at it.
Two coming right up.
One, two.
Okay, what do we know? We know a psycho did this.
We just have to get in the head of a psycho.
Too bad we're not Millie.
Not that she's psycho, but she's, you know, psychish.
Tina, that's it! Wait, we are Millie? I knew it.
No, she can be our psycho-sultant.
Louise! Is that really you? Yep.
Wait, you know who I am? I guess I should know my daughter's best friend.
I only see your face every time I turn around.
(eerie music plays) Gosh, I've heard everything about you.
Bob and Linda, the restaurant, Teddy the handyman We're Gene and Tina.
- Sorry, who? - Um, the siblings.
- Come again? - Gene and Tina.
No.
Can we go up and see Millie? Last room on the left.
Don't give her gum or hard candy.
Nothing pointy that she might use to pry off her headgear.
And don't get too close, the braces make her spit a little.
(Gene groans) (foreboding music plays) Hi, Louise.
Hi, Millie.
You're in my room, you're in my room, you're in my room.
Yeah Oh, my God.
Hey, Louise, Millie's room is exactly like your room.
That's definitely cute and not creepy.
Anyway, uh, we just wondered how you were feeling.
No, how are you feeling, Louise? Your voice sounds strained.
You've been yelling about something, I can tell.
- Bad news at school? - Wow, she's good.
(inhales) Someone has hard candy.
Gene, give it to her.
(groans) (loud inhaling) Well, Millie, I would like your help.
- (gasps) - Somebody, not you, but, you know, maybe kind of like you, chopped up Mr.
Frond's therapy dolls and got the water park trip canceled.
Oh, no.
I read Old Yeller for that trip.
- Oh, did you? - Mm-hmm.
Here are some pictures of the crime scene.
They're not touch screen, they're just pictures.
Not that anyone thought they were touch screen.
Okay, I've got some ideas, and I'd be glad to help.
- As a friend.
- Great.
But friends play together, Louise.
I'll help you, in exchange for play dates.
I scratch your back, you scratch mine.
I really want to scratch your back, Louise.
No! That's extortion, Millie.
Get out of my room.
It's my room, Louise.
(laughing): It's my room! Fine, I'll do it.
(sighs) Don't leave me alone with her.
Um, what about us, Millie? There's a trampoline in the back.
Go bounce and stay out of our way, not-Louise girl, not-Louise boy.
Scream if you need us, Louise.
No, no, no, no, no, no Sorry, toots, we got to go talk to tramp named O-line.
- Gene, I'm kind of worried about - (Gene grunting) Louise in there alone with Millie.
Me, too.
I'm also worried about my testicles banging into each other.
Who am I kidding? I love it.
Okay, it's got to be someone who hates Mr.
Frond.
But that's everyone.
When everyone has a motive, maybe look for who doesn't have a motive? La la la la la.
Yes.
Wait, I don't understand.
Enough detective work.
Let's do fun things.
Hey, I know, we'll put on our own play.
You be you, and I'll be you.
And we take a bow and we won a Tony.
Back to the case.
Well, whoever did this knew Mr.
Frond's schedule.
Kind of like (laughing) how I know yours! Yes, and someone who knew which drawer the dolls were kept in.
Like one of the kids getting counseled, of course! Let's make a list.
Nah.
Karaoke time.
MILLIE: My love There's Only you in my life The only thing that's bright (singing flat): My first love Your every breath (both rapping): Wooriga gatchee itnun gun, baby baby! Okay, uh, yes, we sound amazingly great singing Korean pop.
But we got to focus.
Let's see.
All the dolls are messed up, except this one.
Miss Understood.
Is it because whoever did this felt misunderstood? Wow, that's a great question.
Let's dress up my cat.
Oh, my God! - (cat meows) - You're staying, Muffin.
Oh, a tramp named O-line.
Now I get it.
Yeah.
Uh, Lin, are-are you sure that's where we want Teddy's poster? Why, what's wrong? Nothing, it's just that it's kind of in my eye-line.
And it's dumb and I hate it.
That's how inspiring posters work.
You got to see them again and again until they kick in.
Like taking antibiotics.
Wait, did you put the other one up over our choking poster? It was depressing.
Ugh, a picture of that guy gagging.
Right, but someone could choke.
- I mean - Bob, relax.
Look at Teddy's poster.
Tomorrow is tomorrow goes tomorrow Uh, that's not what it says.
- Today is tomorrow.
- It's not working.
- And breathe - I don't like it.
That was the most exhausting play date of my life.
But we made progress.
We burned some calories on the trampoline.
And I think the family next door really started to warm up to us.
Yeah, I watched half of Jurassic Park through their window.
Every other second.
Well, I guess I got to keep this going till we crack the case.
Play dates, play dates Having lots of play dates I'm gonna play with you till we die Play dates, play dates Super fun play dates Gonna play together until we die.
Someone obviously hated those dolls.
But who? Let's talk about Old Yeller.
Forget Old Yeller.
But it was such a great yarn.
Didn't you think it was a good yarn? Wait, yar, yarn.
There's something about the yarn.
Maybe.
Millie, why do you turn everything into a freaking Wait, I know yarn people.
Tina, Gene, we need to go somewhere.
Okay.
The neighbors shut their blinds anyway.
Rude.
Shoplifters.
Harold, wake up.
What? Oh.
Boost your airplane glue someplace else, you hoods.
And then take it on back to Boys Town.
We're not shoplifters.
Wait, what's Boys Town? It sounds interesting.
Listen, someone cut up this doll.
Do you see anything unusual? Hmm.
This yarn isn't cut, it's unraveled.
- It's what? - Unraveled! - Ah! - Why not just cut it? Why were they so careful? Here's a question.
Why are you still here? Buy some pipe cleaners or get the hell out! Okay.
Geez.
We're so close to solving this.
Millie's an odd bird, but she does have a head for this stuff.
- What's that? - Oh, it's just a Millie and me friendship collage I'm working on.
(scoffs) Got to play the game, right? That's a lot of glitter glue.
Maybe less is more? Learn to edit yourself? Seems like Millie's kind of becoming a real friend, Louise.
She's not a friend, Tina; we've had some fun.
I mean, not "fun," but you know shut up.
I get it.
It's like that thing I've got with Mom.
Why put a label on it? Oh, Mr.
Frond.
I want to update you on Operation Waterpark's Back On.
- Um, okay.
- Mr.
Frond! - I'm turning myself in.
- Zeke, you don't have to do this.
You need that field trip, Jimmy Junior.
- Zeke, you did it? - Yep.
Typical me.
I hate those, uh, what do they call it again? - I hate it, though.
- Dolls? - Yeah, dolls.
- Yeah.
So everyone gets to go to the water park, I guess.
You get to go, Jay-Ju! You get to go.
Okay, I'm I-I, I Oh, God, I need help! - Little help! - Somebody help him! Come on.
He needs help.
So, uh huh.
That's case closed? LINDA: Hi, Teddy.
- Hi, Janine.
- Just seeing how the poster's doing.
How it's doing? It's dying.
Dead.
People seem a little unfamiliar with the concept.
So what does it do? - You-you read it.
- And it changes your life.
And where would I put it? - On a wall? - I don't really do walls.
I live in a converted gazebo with my improv group, - so it's like - That's enough out of you.
I don't know what the problem is.
The poster's got everything, at least, graphically.
"At least graphically"? Maybe the phrase isn't as good as I thought it was.
Or maybe your sunrise is really a sunset, and it's wrecking the mood my words create.
I get them confused.
- I already explained that.
- Um I liked the chimp with the banana phone.
That was, like, your only good one.
Why did I take a chance on you? Why did I let you take a chance on me? Oh, my God, I love it.
Guys.
You got a customer.
She's going for her wallet.
Oh, thank God.
Sorry about a second ago.
- Oh, me too.
You're the best.
- That was crazy.
- No, you are.
- And click.
- What are you doing? - I'm posting it.
No, stop that.
You got to buy it.
It has so many likes.
You're welcome.
No, those are our ideas! Well, I need another poster.
Oh, wait, I forgot my wallet.
So anyway, I guess I don't need to come over anymore.
Oh, come on, Louise.
You actually think Zeke did it? Yes.
I mean, okay, he didn't seem to know what he was confessing to, but that's a very small detail.
I thought we were looking for the truth.
We were looking for the water park, Millie.
Have you been to Wetty, Set, Go? The slides are so fast you'll get the kind of wedgie that'll never come out and you just have to live with it.
But we're almost there.
And I think I know who did it.
Well, if you know who did it, just tell me.
You've been stretching things out just to keep me near you.
Ugh! You think it's all about you, Louise, just because everything I do is all about you.
Okay, we're done, Millie.
Go ahead and slam the phone down.
- No, you slam the phone down first.
- No, you.
- No, you! - All right, we'll slam the phone down together.
BOTH: One, two, three You didn't slam the phone You didn't slam the phone down! Oh! You were gonna slam it down.
All right, well, slam it down.
Ready? I feel like we should leave the room, but this is a pretty cute fight.
- All right.
- (Mr.
Frond screams) (panting) After I left Zeke, I went back to my office and found Miss Understood - like this! - Ugh.
That means Zeke didn't do it.
He couldn't have done it.
The son of a bitch is still out there.
The water park is off again.
Okay, so it turns out the case isn't solved.
I will be over at the usual time and we'll crack this thing.
Hello? Millie? Millie? Millie? Millie? Give it 12 more Millie's and call it a day.
All right, Millie was a tad upset, but I can smooth this over.
Oh, Louise.
Wow.
Um, I can't believe I'm saying this, but Millie doesn't want to see you.
Awkward.
(chuckles) But come on, I'm Louise.
I'm the one from the pictures.
I'm just gonna slip in.
Shutting the door now, in your face.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh.
TEDDY: Well, we're dissolving the poster business.
Janine wants out.
Aw, Teddy, I'm so sorry.
Yeah, well, the pet shop down the street offered to buy the rest of the posters at a deep discount.
They're gonna shred them for hamster cage bedding.
The guy was really impressed with how much hamster urine they could absorb.
I can see that.
I'll give you back our posters if you want, so you can shred them.
- Bob, no.
- But I mean, if the hamsters just need even one No, no, no, those hamsters are fine.
Believe me, I've been down there.
- They've got it pretty good.
- Right.
Yep.
I have to get to Millie somehow.
- She says she knows who did it.
- I have an idea, Louise, and I think you'll jump for it.
Because it's jumping.
Which I could have said first.
Millie, Millie! Look, I'm sorry.
I do want the truth.
And, uh, here's the weird thing - I was having fun with you.
(grunts) - There, I said it! - It's true, Millie.
Louise really worked hard on that friendship collage.
Hi, this is Tina.
I still think she went kind of nuts with the glitter glue.
Solid work, but I just question her taste level sometimes.
(Pants) Please, we're running out of time.
Wetty, Set, Go never stays open that long! Typhus can happen just like that! All right.
Mom, let Louise in! Yes! I'm gonna come through the window.
Oh, never mind.
Bad idea, bad idea.
Bob, you got to pick it up, we're getting clobbered.
Why are we so slammed? Jimmy Pesto closed to watch them blow up that beached whale in Bog Harbor and we're getting all his business.
(chanting): And grill and grill, and grill, and grill I'm doing the best I can, Lin.
Uh, that's what I'm afraid of.
Ha! Work snap.
Said with love.
But come on, seriously, faster, faster.
(groans) FALSETTO VOICES: Today is tomorrow's yesterday.
- I get it now.
- LINDA: What? - Lin? - What? - I think we're gonna be okay.
- Okay, keep moving.
All I wanted was a friend, Louise.
I'm a simple person.
(laughing): Sorry, you're just really not, Millie.
Okay, fine, but I'm good at seeing stuff you don't.
Like clues about who killed Mr.
Frond's dolls, or why you and I should be best friends forever.
I know.
I get it.
But right now, can you just please tell me who did it? Let's talk about Old Yeller again.
No, I hate that book.
Remind me what happens at the end? You know what happened.
Because of the rabies, the boy had to shoot Yeller, his own dog.
I guess he really didn't like that dog.
What? No.
He loved him.
Yeller was his dog.
That's why he had to be the one to do it.
He loved him so much, he had to be the one to (gasps) Mm-hmm.
It was you! What was me? It was someone who knew your schedule.
That's you.
Someone who knew where the dolls were kept.
That's you, again.
I loved those dolls.
They were my dolls! Which is why you couldn't bear to cut them, so you unraveled them.
It was done out of love.
Just like Old Yeller.
Old Yellow! (laughs) That that is so farfetched.
That's just so (groans) (grunting) Come back! You didn't finish your sentence.
"That's just so" what? Oh.
He's headed for the teachers' lounge! (panting) You're not faculty.
You can't come in here.
Damn! Hi, Mr.
Branca.
Do you have a key to the teachers' lounge? No, it cleans itself.
(laughs) Here you go, everybody in.
Okay, so the word "lounge" is kind of an exaggeration.
It's more of a waiting room for farts.
We know you did it, Mr.
Frond.
What I don't understand is why.
It's his fault.
Hush, you worm.
LaBonz, palm strike his windpipe, now.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think it's too late for violence.
He swore you kids would never read 500 books.
Of course I did.
- Look at them! - And then when you did, we had to stop the water park from happening.
Why? Because we already spent the water park money.
- On what? - Coffee pods.
The machine was cheap, but the pods are incredibly expensive.
You monsters! When the pods blew the budget, we tapped the water park money.
You could have drunk less coffee.
No, we couldn't have, Tina! And then we had a problem.
They're getting close to 500 books.
Why did we pick that number? I didn't even know there were 500 books.
We are in so much crap if that happens.
I'm gonna have a coconut macchiato and put on my thinking cap.
This isn't coconut! This is hazelnut! So it's settled.
You sure we can't just do some graffiti? Draw a penis on something? No, it's got to be extreme.
We cut up your dolls and blame a kid.
I'll sharpen the paper cutter.
No.
If it has to be done, I'll do it.
They took hours to unravel and arrange.
But I owed it to them.
Well, now that I understand everything, I'll just pop down to Principal Spoors' office and let him - Leave Spoors out of this.
- (stuttering) - Palm strike! - Of course, if we get to go to the water park, we may forget about everything.
I'm already starting to forget.
What are we talking about? I don't even know where I am.
Okay, we'll pay for the water park, somehow.
Faculty car wash? I have a sponge.
Brag.
Bob, you've been so productive.
Did you organize the dirty rags under the counter? Yeah, by smell.
Fancy pants.
And then I did an inventory in the walk-in, and - trimmed all my weird eyebrow hairs.
- Wow.
I think it was Teddy's poster; I-it kicked in.
You soaked up its wisdom, just like they're gonna soak up that hamster pee.
Oh, my God.
I hope it's not too late.
Me, too.
What are we talking about? Oh, yeah, these are gonna shred up nice.
- Thanks.
- BOB: Teddy, Janine, wait.
I was inspired, by your poster.
I mean, not a lot, but somewhat.
And I had a very productive day yesterday.
It's true.
It was like Cocoon.
I'm just saying, maybe you shouldn't give up so quickly.
I don't know, Bob.
It's been really discouraging.
But Janine, what would the poster tell us to do? Um What would it say, Janine? "Hang in there"? No, that's another poster.
"Keep on truckin'"? Another poster, but It would say "Try again," maybe? There she is.
You up for this, partner? Still not romantic partners, I assume? - No.
- I'm in anyway.
People change.
Hey, I've got an idea for a poster.
It's a hamster on a wheel and it says, "I'm wheely excited.
" - I love it.
- Get out.
LOUISE: Well, we made it.
We're Wetty, we're Setty and we are about to Go.
Here's hoping none of us swallow Band-Aids today.
Jimmy Junior, wait up.
Zeke, what's the diarrhea sitch in the wave pool? It ain't exactly Evian, - but it's not wavy gravy, either.
- Good enough.
Well, Millie, that's a nice swimsuit we're wearing.
We look good.
Thank you, Louise.
As do we.
You want to go watch the wedgies down at the big slide? And after that we could just move in together.
Easy, easy.
Okay, a hundred sleepovers.
I'll squeeze you in for a lunch.
- I get to chew your food.
- Millie.
Play dates, play dates, having lots of play dates I'm gonna play with you till we die Play dates, play dates Super fun play dates Gonna play together until we die Play dates, play dates Having lots of play dates Gonna play with you till we die Play dates, play dates Super fun play dates Gonna play together until we die.