Seinfeld s08e02 Episode Script

You know, I can now bite my fingernails so evenly I don't even need to use a clipper anymore.
But it's a pleasure to use clippers.
Why gnaw away like a mental patient when we have this elegant device? What if you're in prison? - You don't think they give clippers? - No, it's like a weapon.
You know what's really a weapon, that big toenail.
You let that grow for a month, take it in the shower, it's like a shiv.
I love prison.
It is fascinating.
Yeah, maybe someday.
You want me to find a poem about Susan? May she rest in peace.
Well, we think it would be a nice touch for the foundation literature.
You have a favorite poet, George? I like Flavman.
- Pardon? - Flavman.
Well, you should choose the poem since you knew Susan best at the time of her unfortunate accident.
- He cleared his throat? - Yes.
So? He did it right as he said, "Her unfortunate accident.
" Not getting it.
Jerry, a throat clear is a non-verbal implication of doubt.
He thinks I killed Susan.
Oh, help me, Rhonda.
- What time is it? - One-fifteen.
Right now? I gotta go meet Pam.
Oh, the bookstore girl.
How's that going? Okay.
I'm just not gaga over her.
For once, I'd like to be gaga.
Where's Elaine? She's having Carol, Gail and Lisa over.
You know, they all have kids now.
What's with all these people having babies? - Perpetuation of the species.
- Yeah, right.
- By the way, just for the record - No, I did not.
All right.
But because it comes out of your baby, it smells good.
Well, that's That's sweet.
Being a mother has made me feel so beautiful.
Elaine, you gotta have a baby.
Oh, hey, you know I had a piece of whitefish over at Barney Greengrass the other day and l Elaine, move to Long Island and have a baby already.
- I really like the city.
- The city's a toilet.
Whers the last time you saw my little Adam? It was in the Hamptons.
- Oh, I have pictures.
- No, no, that's okay.
It's Look at him, just look at him.
Elaine was telling me about this whitefish she had the other day.
Do you really think I'm wrong about this Wyck guy? If you really wanna test him out why don't you try the Jerry Lewis trick? - Jerry Lewis? - I heard when Jerry left a meeting he'd purposely leave a briefcase with a tape recorder in it.
After five minutes, he'd come back, listen to what everyone said.
- That's pretty paranoid.
- Yes, it is.
- I like it.
- I thought you might.
Hi, I'm Pam.
You must be Kramer.
Jerry has told me a lot about you.
Well, I'm supposed to meet Jerry.
It's my day off.
I work in a bookstore.
Books.
Careful.
- Hi.
Sorry I'm late.
- Hi.
That's okay.
Kramer let me in.
If we rush, we can still make the movie.
It was really nice meeting you.
I'm in trouble, buddy.
I just met a woman.
- Go on.
- Well she's Jerry's girlfriend.
Yes, forbidden love.
She works in a bookshop.
- Her name is Pam.
- Pam.
I don't know the woman, but she sounds quite fetching.
I can't even speak in front of her.
Jerry.
What could she possibly see in Jerry? She has delicate beauty.
Jerry wouldn't know delicate if it bludgeoned him over the head.
And yet, he's my friend.
And therein lies the tragedy.
For I believe, sadly for you that there is but one woman meant for each of us.
One perfect angel for whom we are put on this earth.
Oh, that's beautiful, Newman.
One winsome tulip we ceaselessly yearn for throughout our dreary workaday lives and you, my friend, have found your angel.
I can tell for my heart has also been captured by a breathless beauty whom I fear I will never possess.
I thought we were talking about me.
Oh, right.
Kramer, you have to confront Jerry.
- Confront Jerry? I can't.
- You must.
- I won't.
- You will.
"Elaine, you gotta have a baby.
" Where are the poetry magazines? The New Yorker has poetry.
Yes, The New Yorker.
Why do you invite these women over if they annoy you so much? Well, they're my friends but they act as if having a baby takes some kind of talent.
Come on.
You wanna have a baby.
- Why? Because I can? - It's the life force.
I saw a show on the mollusk last night.
Elaine, the mollusk travels from Alaska to Chile just for a shot at another mollusk.
You think you're any better? Yes, I think I am better than the mollusk.
Excuse me, I couldn't help overhearing what you were saying.
- Oh, I'm sorry - No, no, I think I agree with you.
I mean, all this talk about having babies.
Yeah, like you must procreate.
Besides, anyone can do it.
Oh, it's been done to death.
I should have a poem very soon now.
Are you okay, George? No, no.
Not really.
Ever since Susan passed on, I have good days and bad.
Some days I'm haunted by one word: Why? Why Susan? Why wasrt it me licking those invitations? Why am I still here? But I gotta run.
Now, the stock options for this year look quite Briefcase.
So, Kevin, if I don't want children does that make me a bad humanitarian? - Not at all.
- Because when you get to know me you'll see that I'm a pretty good humanitarian.
You are doing a wonderful job, by the way.
- Thanks a lot.
- Right? Am I right? Kramer, Kramer, come here, look at my new friend Kevin.
Oh, you got a little - You got - Oh, yeah.
I just had two double-fudge sundaes.
Oh, are you all right? Yeah, I'll be okay.
You know, Jerry has one of those every time he bombs on stage.
I'm sure he'll be sharing his next one with Pam.
Oh, no, that won't last.
- What do you mean? - He's not gaga.
Let me tell you.
That Jerry Lewis you wonder how people get to the top? It's ideas like this.
Brilliant.
Look at this.
What the hell happened? The whole side is damaged here, and the lock is broken.
- How long did you leave it there? - Five minutes.
What the hell happened here? Play the tape.
Maybe we'll get a clue.
I have to rewind it first.
All right.
All right.
Did anyone notice George's fingernails? Oh, my, yes, they look like they were eaten away by weevils.
It's kind of hot in here.
Open the window.
Hey, what are you doing? Dear God! Is that it? - It stopped dead.
- What do you make of it? I don't know.
Jerry, can we talk? Kind of busy here.
- I'd like to talk to Jerry in private.
- Why can't I stay? Because it doesn't concern you.
Well, if it doesn't concern me, then I can stay.
- So, what's on your mind? - It's Pam.
- Pam? What about Pam? - I love her, Jerry.
- You what? - I love her.
- Is that right? - Oh, she's She's real.
She can bring home the bacon and fry it in the pan.
- What does that mean? - Oh, and that voice.
- What about her name? - Pam? Oh, it's a beautiful name.
Pam.
Pam? Pam! - She's got really nice hair.
- Oh, it's incredible.
Although, I might replace her tortoise clip with one of those velvet scrunchies.
I love those.
You've got really specific tastes.
Oh, I know what I want, Jerry.
She got nice calves.
Oh, she's a dreamboat, but you don't like her.
Maybe I could.
You're making some good points.
- No, you can't, Jerry.
- But I might.
- Oh, no, you don't.
- Why not? - The voice, the calves, the bacon.
- What? I think I can.
I even like the name Pam.
Pam.
Pam.
So now he wants her more than ever.
Blast.
What am I gonna do, huh? Don't despair, my friend.
I won't allow your love to go unrequited, not like mine.
What, again with you? Sorry.
But love is a spice with many tastes a dizzying array of textures and moments.
If only I could say things like that around her.
Yes.
Well, I hear three distinct sounds: A low rumple followed by a metallic squink Yes, yes, I heard the squink.
- Followed by a mysterious galonk.
It's a real baffler, isn't it? Well, one question does come to mind.
Have you considered just asking them what happened to the briefcase? They would never tell me.
First of all, they probably think that I killed Susan.
Besides, I don't even think they like me.
That Pam.
I am gaga over her.
"Gaga"? When did that happen? Yesterday, 6-ish.
Well, maybe we should double.
I'm pretty gaga myself.
You just met the guy yesterday.
Yeah, but we have a common goal.
A barren, sterile existence that ends when you die? Yeah.
You believe this guy doesn't wanna have kids? - Yeah, of course.
- A guy will say anything to a woman.
Oh, please, he wouldn't say that.
Elaine, I once told a woman that I coined the phrase: "Pardon my French.
" I once told a woman I don't eat cake because it goes right to my thighs.
Once told a woman I enjoy spending time with my family.
Your looks and my words will have built the perfect beast.
All right.
- Oh, hi, Kramer.
- Hi, how are you? Hi, how are you? - I'm great.
- I too am well.
I too am well.
- Do I smell Pantene? - Do I smell? - Pantene! - Pantene? Oh, my shampoo.
Yeah, yeah, you know, it is Pantene.
I got a free sample of it in with my junk mail.
There really is no junk mail.
Everybody wants a check or birthday card It requires just as much manpower to deliver as their precious cards Newman.
What? Human.
Human.
It's human to be moved by a fragrance.
That's so true.
Her bouquet cleaved his hardened - Shell.
- Shell And fondled his muscled heart He imbibed her glistening spell Just before the other shoe fell Kramer, that is so lovely.
It's by an unknown - Oh, what's him name? - Newman.
Elaine, you changed my life.
Oh, Kevin, you can go on and on about how you don't want kids and it sounds It sounds really nice but the truth is, I don't know if you mean it or not.
I got a vasectomy this morning.
Although, I have a hunch you mean it.
I just came by to tell you l'm really, really happy about this relationship.
Really happy.
Oh, well, that's nice.
A velvet scrunchie.
Kramer.
Hello, Newman.
Hello, Jerry.
How's Pam? Pam? What do you care? Well, ta-ta.
Wait a minute.
All right, Newman, this is it.
Steady, Jerry.
Steady.
Wouldrt wanna lose your cool at a time like this.
- Why not? - Because right now l'm the only chance you've got.
Come on.
I can't believe I'm losing Pam.
I know how you feel for I too have a woman for whom I pine.
- I thought we were talking about me.
- Right.
Anyway, I don't need your help.
Oh, don't you, joke boy? You really think you can manipulate that beautiful young woman like the half-soused, nightclub rabble that lap up your inane "observations"? All right, Newman.
What do I to get you to stop pulling strings for Kramer? Well, there is a little something you can do for me.
Come on, out with it.
It's about Elaine.
Elaine? What does she have to? Oh, no.
You dated her.
Give me some inside information.
Anything I can use.
Well, I know she doesn't wanna have kids.
I thought you'd be a little more enthusiastic about it.
I know.
I don't want kids.
- What was that? - Well Kevin, maybe I have a little doubt.
I mean, nothing is 100 percent.
This is.
- Oh, boy, I always do this.
- What? I get all jazzed up about something, and I go way too far with it.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
Like last summer, I'm watching TV and I saw one of those jet skis.
Four thousand dollars later, and it's sitting in my garage.
You know, that's weird actually, because I'm sort of the same way.
I mean, once for, like, no reason, I flattened my hair and I had all these strands hanging in my face all the time.
Sometimes I think I do want kids, maybe a lot of kids.
Sometimes I think about wearing my hair real short.
Yeah, I think I like short hair, really short.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
This is a crude mock-up of the conference room.
One-fourteenth scale.
When did you build this thing? Yesterday.
Took the day off.
Now, from the time that I left the room - Wait.
That's you? - Yeah.
I think the M&M should be you.
All right, whatever.
Now, whatever caused the damage it was jarring enough to completely stop the tape.
- And? - Okay.
That's what we know.
- But we already knew that.
- Well, yeah.
Just give me some idea what you think it could be.
- I don't know if you're ready for it.
- Please.
I believe that I'm about to become the target of a systematic process of intimidation and manipulation the likes of which - Hold it.
You're right.
I'm not ready.
- Yeah? - It's Pam.
Come on up.
All right, it's Pam.
You gotta get going.
I'm not through here, Jerry.
I'm gonna keep on investigating.
This thing is like an onion.
The more layers you peel, the more it stinks.
What was that? We were just playing.
Listen, I had a long talk with Kramer today.
Well, the thing is l I think I have a little crush on him.
I'm so happy.
My world suddenly has meaning.
This is the man you have a crush on? Well, I have feelings for both of you.
You have feelings for him? We're soul mates.
Why can't I be a soul mate? Jerry, you really think Pam would want you to be the father of her children? Children? Who said anything about children? I don't wanna have children.
There are people in this room who would've been very happy to never see this briefcase again.
There are people in this room who think they can destroy other people's property and get away with it.
Well, let me tell you something about those people.
They werert counting on this brain and this tape recorder.
- George - You'll have your turn.
The truth must be heard.
Hey, what are you doing? Dear God! That's all there was and yet it speaks volumes.
A low rumple a metallic squink a galonk and someone crying out, "Dear God!" Let's start with With you, Wyck.
George, Quinn here was moving a chair.
He lost his balance and dropped it.
It must have fallen on your briefcase which, for some reason, contained a running tape recorder.
All right then.
We've gotten to the bottom of that.
What are you guys doing here? We're getting vasectomies.
- Why? - I'm doing it for you.
- What? - What did you do to your hair? I cut it.
It's a little short.
You think? What are you doing here? Kevirs having his vasectomy reversed.
- Reversed? - Reversed? He imbibed her glistening spell Just before the other shoe fell Is that a Keats poem? No, it's a Newman.
Well, I gotta run.
Does anyone think George might have murdered Susan? Oh, yeah, I just assumed he murdered her.
- Of course he killed her.
- So it's not just me then.
All right.
Back to business.