The King of Queens s08e02 Episode Script

HELLO? OH, HI, MR.
DUGAN.
YEAH, I HAVE IT ON MY COMPUTER.
I'LL GO PULL IT UP.
HOLD ON ONE SECOND.
UH, HONEY? THIS IS MY BOSS.
CAN YOU FINISH FOLDING THE LAUNDRY FOR ME? THANKS.
OH, MY GOD.
OK, SURE.
NO PROBLEM, MR.
DUGAN.
OK, ALL RIGHT.
I'LL SEE YOU MONDAY.
OK, BYE-BYE.
YOU DONE ALREADY? YEAH, IT'S WHAT I DO.
MEMO TO ALL DUGAN GROUP EMPLOYEES: AS OF THE FIRST OF NOVEMBER, ALL LEASES MUST BE FILED UNDER THE TENANTS- DARLING, I GOT BIG NEWS.
DAD, YOU CAN'T TALK WHILE I'M WORKING.
AND YET ANOTHER ONE OF MY BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS BITES THE DUST.
YOU JUST CAN'T TALK WHILE I'M DOING THIS.
OK, IT'S THIS NEW SOFTWARE I GOT.
IT TYPES EVERYTHING THAT YOU SAY.
HERE.
SAY SOMETHING.
TESTING.
1, 2, 3.
IT WROTE IT.
IT WROTE, "IT WROTE IT.
" YES, IT DID.
IT WROTE, "YES, IT DID.
" OK, EASY NOW.
ONE MORE.
BOSOMS.
OK.
END PROGRAM.
OFF.
ALL RIGHT, DAD.
IT SAYS UP HERE ON MY WORK MEMO THAT YOU HAVE SOME BIG NEWS.
YES, WE'RE PUTTING ON A THEATER NIGHT AT THE SENIOR CENTER, AND I WAS ABLE TO PULL SOME STRINGS AND GET YOU AND DOUGLAS SOME SEATS RIGHT UP FRONT.
HMM.
YOU KNOW, YOU NEVER WENT TO ANY OF MY PLAYS WHEN I WAS A KID.
WELL, DARLING, I WAS A LITTLE BUSY SUPPORTING YOU.
AND NOW I'M A LITTLE BUSY SUPPORTING YOU.
SO, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? THE DIFFERENCE IS I HAVE TALENT, AND SHAME ON YOU FOR MAKING ME SAY IT.
PROGRAM ON.
ALL EMPLOYEES- HEY, TONY THREW IN 6 FREE GARLIC KNOTS.
I ATE 5 IN THE CAR.
I AM STARVING.
WANNA GET THE PLATES? PLATES? NO, YOU EAT RIGHT OUT OF THE TIN.
IT'S BETTER.
YOU KNOW, AND THEN IN THE HOME STRETCH, YOU FOLD IT INTO A FUNNEL, AND YOU DRINK THE SAUCE.
IT'S GOOD.
IS THIS ALL THE BAGS? YEAH, WHAT'S THE MATTER? UM, MY DINNER'S NOT IN HERE.
WHAT? YEAH.
LOOK, NO EGGPLANT PARM.
NO SALAD.
YOU'RE KIDDING ME.
THAT BLOWS.
YEAH, I HAVE NO DINNER, AND THAT DOES BLOW, SO YOU WANT THE LAST GARLIC KNOT? NO.
I WANT YOU TO GET MY FOOD.
FINE.
OH, I'M SORRY, DOUG.
FORGIVE ME FOR HAVING TO EAT.
I JUST SAID I WOULD GO.
NO, I KNOW, BUT THIS IS SO TYPICAL OF YOU.
WHAT? YOU DON'T GIVE A CRAP ABOUT ANYBODY BUT YOURSELF.
OH, PLEASE.
WHAT ABOUT LAST WEEK? YOU FORGOT MY CHEESECAKE FROM THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY.
OK? SO WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A LITTLE BUS RIDE BACK TO SHUTTYTOWN? I WOULD, BUT YOU PROBABLY ATE MY TICKET.
AH, THAT'S- THAT'S FUNNY, 'CAUSE I EAT EVERYTHING.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, RIGHT NOW, I'M EATING MY DINNER.
YEAH, MMM, AND IT'S SO GOOD.
MMM.
VERY GOOD.
OH, YEAH? I LOVE IT.
HOW'S IT NOW, CHUNKY? HEY, HEY! PINEY-FRESH, MMM.
MMM, MMM.
AAH! YOU CAN'T STOP ME.
HEY, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT LAST NIGHT.
PLEASE, NOT THE FRUIT LOOPS.
NO.
I'M NOT MAD ANYMORE.
LOOK AT THIS.
OH, WHAT IS THIS? WELL, MY COMPUTER WAS ON, AND THAT NEW PROGRAM TRANSCRIBED OUR ENTIRE FIGHT, ALL 2 HOURS OF IT.
REALLY? YEAH.
WHEN DID I SAY, "BOSOMS"? NO, NO, NO.
THE FIGHT STARTS HERE, AND I GOTTA TELL YA, THERE'S SOME PRETTY ROUGH STUFF HERE.
HMM.
WHERE? AH, OK, LIKE- LIKE HERE, WHERE I SAID, "DIDN'T YOU NOTICE THE BAG WAS TOO LIGHT?" AND YOU SAID, "YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS.
" YEAH, BUT THEN YOU SAID, "AT LEAST I'M NOT A MASSIVE FAILURE," SO YOU REALLY ANSWERED THE BELL.
DOUG, COME ON, THIS ISN'T FUNNY.
I MEAN, LOOK.
HERE'S WHERE WE THREATEN TO RUN EACH OVER WITH OUR CARS.
AND NOW WE'RE HAVING FRUIT LOOPS TOGETHER.
IT'S A STORYBOOK ENDING.
COME HERE, BABY.
NO, DOUG! COME ON! COME ON.
YOU'RE MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF NOTHING.
IT WAS ONE BAD FIGHT.
NO, ACTUALLY, IT'S- IT'S LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME NOW.
I TELL YOU WHAT, LEAVE THE COMPUTER ON.
LET IT RECORD US.
YOU'LL SEE THAT THIS FIGHT - IT WAS A FLUKE.
NO, DOUG, IF THE COMPUTER'S ON, THEN WE'LL BE ON OUR BEST BEHAVIOR.
CARRIE IS AN ASS! OH, YEAH? WELL, YOU CAN SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT, BECAUSE YOU ARE STILL AN INCONSIDERATE- YEAH, BUT YOU'RE AN ASS! SELFISH YOU'RE AN ASS! ASS, ASS, ASS! CARRIE'S AN ASS! STUPID, STUPID! OK, ALL THAT'S MISSING IS GUNFIRE.
I GOTTA TELL YA, I'M A LITTLE WORRIED ABOUT WHERE WE'RE HEADED, AND IF WE DON'T DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS, I MEAN, MAYBE WE CAN USE SOME PROFESSIONAL HELP.
YOU MEAN- YOU MEAN LIKE THERAPY? YEAH.
WE ARE TALKING ABOUT SAVING OUR MARRIAGE HERE.
I KNOW, IT'S JUST- I DON'T WANT TO THROW MONEY DOWN A RATHOLE.
HEY, YOU KNOW OUR NEW NEIGHBOR GLENN WHO JUST MOVED ACROSS THE STREET? HE'S A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR.
I'M GOING TO TAKE MARRIAGE ADVICE FROM A GUY WHO JOGS IN JEANS.
NO, THAT'S NOT GLENN.
I DON'T GET IT, MAN.
I WALK UP A FLIGHT OF STAIRS IN JEANS, MY LEGS ARE ALL RAW.
OK, LET'S FOCUS, LET'S FOCUS, OK? WHAT DO WE DO? DO WE ASK THIS GUY FOR HELP? I MEAN, THEN WE GOTTA PAY HIM THEN.
NO, NO.
WE'LL JUST INVITE HIM OVER FOR, LIKE, YOU KNOW, "WELCOME TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD" TYPE THING, AND THEN WE JUST PICK HIS BRAIN A LITTLE BIT.
OK.
YEAH? THANK YOU, HONEY.
RIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO FOR DINNER? UM, YOU WANNA GET TAKE-OUT? HMM.
THAT'S A POWDER KEG.
WE'LL BE DOING A SCENE FROM THE GIN GAME, AND WHOEVER WINS THE PART OF FONSIA SHOULD BE PREPARED FOR THE MOST PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY GRUELING NOW, MINNA, HOW MARRIED ARE YOU TO THE OXYGEN TANK? WELL, I REALLY NEED IT TO BREATHE.
LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE OURSELVES A DIVA.
ARTHUR, WE'VE BEEN STANDING FOR AN AWFULLY LONG TIME.
IS IT POSSIBLE THAT WE COULD TAKE A SEAT FOR A MOMENT? OH, YOU KNOW WHERE THEY HAVE SEATS? AT THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE.
HIT THE BRICKS! ARTHUR, YOU KNOW, I PLAYED FONSIA AT THE FRESH MEADOWS COMMUNITY PLAYHOUSE.
OH, FRESH MEADOWS.
I DON'T HAVE TIME TO BREAK YOU OF YOUR BAD HABITS! GET OUT! NOW, YOU DO UNDERSTAND, THERE MAY BE SOME TASTEFUL, BUT FULL-FRONTAL NUDITY.
THAT'S MY FONSIA.
SO, WHEN WE SAW YOUR GARBAGE CANS KNOCKED OVER, WE JUST KNEW WE HAD TO DO SOMETHING.
YEAH, SO I JUST RUSHED OVER THERE AND STARTED CLEANING UP THE TRASH, AND WHAT POPS OUT OF ONE OF THE CANS? A RACCOON.
AND THIS ONE, TERRIFIED OF RACCOONS.
YOU KNOW, IT'S THE PEOPLE HANDS, THEY FREAK ME OUT.
THEY REALLY DO.
WELL, I'M NEW ON THE BLOCK, AND I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU LOOKING OUT FOR ME.
OH, THAT'S WHAT NEIGHBORS ARE FOR, TO HELP EACH OTHER OUT.
FOR FREE.
BESIDES, WE WERE UP ANYWAY HAVING ONE OF OUR VICIOUS MARITAL FIGHTS.
OH, YEAH.
WE'VE BEEN KNOWN TO LACE UP THE HEINIE-KICKING BOOTS.
HEH HEH.
OH, YOU KNOW, I HAPPEN TO BE A MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST.
SHUT UP.
NO, REALLY.
IT'S TRUE.
LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE, BUT YOU CERTAINLY DO FILL OUT A PAIR OF JOGGING JEANS.
IT'S NOT HIM.
LISTEN, IF YOU EVER NEED A LITTLE INFORMAL ADVICE, I'D BE HAPPY TO HELP YOU OUT- THAT'D BE GREAT.
JUST READ OVER THIS.
YEAH, WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH THAT, THERE'S MORE OVER THERE.
WE'RE GONNA PUT SOME COFFEE ON.
PRETTY BAD, HUH? UH-HUH.
BUT YOU'VE SEEN WORSE, RIGHT? NOT MUCH WORSE, NO.
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
THE THING IS, WE DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS ANYMORE.
CAN YOU HELP US? WHAT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND IS FIGHTING IS A PART OF ANY RELATIONSHIP, BUT YOU MUST DO IT IN A HEALTHY WAY.
NOW, I'M GONNA GIVE YOU SOME STRATEGIES SO YOU CAN CONTAIN THE CONFLICT, ERECT SOME FIREWALLS- ERECT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
HE'S A - OK, SHUT UP, IDIOT.
YOU SHUT UP.
THIS IS GOOD.
LET'S-LET'S WORK WITH THIS.
DOUG, HOW DID IT MAKE YOU FEEL WHEN CARRIE JUST CALLED YOU AN IDIOT? MAD.
OH AND SAD.
WE CALL WORDS LIKE THAT "ESCALATORS," BECAUSE THEY TAKE THE CONFLICT TO ANOTHER LEVEL.
OH, LIKE GOING ON AN ESCALATOR.
VERY GOOD, DOUG.
VERY GOOD.
YEAH.
LEFT UNCHECKED, THESE WORDS CAN TURN A SIMPLE DISAGREEMENT INTO A HURTFUL, EVEN A VIOLENT ENCOUNTER, LIKE YOU TWO HAD ABOUT THE KETCHUP LAST WEDNESDAY AND THIS MORNING.
SHE KNOWS I DON'T LIKE THE UPSIDE-DOWN TOP.
OK.
UPSIDE-DOWN JELLY YOU HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH, BUT KETCHUP, YOU GO BALLISTIC.
OK, 'CAUSE THE WATER COLLECTS AT THE TOP, AND THE FACT THAT YOU DON'T KNOW THAT JUST SHOWS HOW STUPID YOU ARE.
I HAD A LITTLE MONEY, BUT WITH THE HOSPITAL BILLS AND TRYING TO LOOK AFTER MYSELF, PLUS I STILL HAD THAT LITTLE HOUSE ON ASH STREET- STOP! STOP! STOP! THIS ISN'T WORKING.
OH WHAT'S WRONG? YOUR PERFORMANCE.
IT'S ALL SURFACE.
I DON'T BELIEVE A WORD OF IT.
YEAH, WELL, I'M TRYING.
I- I-I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME.
I WANT TRUTH! FONSIA'S IN PAIN, AND YOU'VE GOT TO SHOW THAT.
BUT HOW? WE NEED A SENSE MEMORY.
OK.
TELL ME YOUR MOST PAINFUL CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCE.
I'D RATHER NOT.
IF YOU'RE NOT WILLING TO DO THE WORK, I'LL PLAY BOTH PARTS IN A GENDER-BENDING TOUR DE FORCE! ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
UM IT WAS MY FIFTH BIRTHDAY, AND MY MOTHER SAID SHE WAS HAVING A PARTY FOR ME.
SO I BROUGHT ALL MY FRIENDS HOME FROM SCHOOL, BUT WHEN WE WALKED IN THE DOOR, THERE WAS MOTHER, STINKING DRUNK AND PASSED OUT ON THE COUCH.
THERE WAS NO PARTY, NO CAKE, OH, I WANTED TO DIE! AND I NEVER, NEVER CELEBRATED MY BIRTHDAY AGAIN.
WHAT ELSE YOU GOT? HEY.
HEY.
DID YOU MAKE YOUR LIST? WHAT LIST? OF ESCALATOR WORDS.
GOTCHA! GOT IT RIGHT HERE.
ALL RIGHT, LET ME GET MINE.
OK.
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S SAVE US A MARRIAGE.
YEAH.
HEY, WHERE'S GLENN TO SEE THAT? OK, YOU MIND IF I START? FIRE AWAY.
ALL RIGHT.
NOW, I KNOW IT'S THE HEAT-OF-THE-MOMENT THING AND YOU REALLY DON'T MEAN IT, BUT I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GET THE BALL ROLLING WITH SLUT.
WHAT? I'VE NEVER CALLED YOU SLUT.
OH, NO? OK.
HERE YOU GO.
I HIGHLIGHTED THEM FOR YOU.
HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, AND HERE.
ACTUALLY, THAT ONE'S SUPPOSED TO BE SKANK, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? THEY'RE BOTH GONE.
OK, GOOD.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU GOT? OK, HERE'S MY FIRST WORD.
FAT.
FAT.
IN ALL ITS FORMS.
FATTY, FAT GUY, FAT SAJAK.
WOW.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? NOTHING.
IT'S JUST THAT YOU'RE REALLY CHOPPING ME OFF AT THE KNEES HERE.
YOU KNOW, KEEP FAT, THAT'S FINE, 'CAUSE I CAN SLIP A SLUT RIGHT BACK IN A HOLSTER.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, FINE, FINE.
IT'S GONE.
IT'S GONE.
OK, WHAT ELSE YOU GOT? ALL RIGHT.
DUMB-ASS, DUMB-AS-ASS, GRANDMA.
PACKAGE DONKEY, ELASTO PANTS, BEAVER TEETH.
SHE-BEAST, DRACULA, HITLER JUNIOR.
BLOB, THE BLOB, BLOB BARKER, BLOBBA THE HUT, AND RUB-A-DUB-CHUB.
WHY DON'T WE JUST EXCHANGE LISTS? OH, OK.
OK? I FEEL REALLY GOOD ABOUT THIS.
ME, TOO.
YEAH.
OH, WOW, I GOTTA GET GOING.
WHAT? WHERE'RE YOU GOING? I TOLD THE GUYS I'D WATCH THE MET GAME WITH THEM DOWN AT COOPER'S.
I ALREADY STARTED DINNER.
I LEFT YOU A MESSAGE ON YOUR CELL PHONE.
AND YOU KNOW I NEVER CHECK MY CELL PHONE MESSAGES.
WELL, WHOSE FAULT IS THAT? DOUG, AGAIN.
ALREADY STARTED DINNER.
WHOA, ARE WE ABOUT TO HAVE A FIGHT HERE? YES, I THINK SO.
OK, NOW WHAT DID GLENN SAY IF WE'RE- IF WE'RE GONNA HAVE A DISAGREEMENT, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO WRITE IT DOWN ON AN INDEX CARD AND THEN PIN IT TO THE BOARD.
THAT'S RIGHT, AND THEN IN 24 HOURS, IF IT'S STILL A PROBLEM, WE REVISIT THE ISSUE FROM A LESS EMOTIONALLY CHARGED PLACE.
THERE YOU GO.
I GOT THE CARDS.
I'M GONNA GET THE PIN.
OK.
BLOWING OFF DINNER.
THERE WE GO.
GIMME THE PIN.
PERFECT.
OK.
THERE WE GO.
ALL RIGHT.
GOOD FOR US, HUH? YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL SEE YA.
NO, BETTY, IT'S NOT YOU.
WE NEED A NEW PLAY.
THE GIN GAME IS JUST NOT CLICKING.
I WAS THINKING WE TRY THE ELEPHANT MAN.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT WORKING WITH A SACK OVER YOUR HEAD? SEE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S SO UPSET ABOUT.
AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, YOUR SYSTEM'S WORKING GREAT.
YEAH, IT'S WORKING GREAT FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE DOING ALL THE BAD STUFF, YOU IDIOT.
CARRIE.
WELL, I'M SORRY, BUT IT'S ONLY BEEN A WEEK AND LOOK AT ALL OF THESE! UH, BROKE CARRIE'S iPOD, DRUNK AT CARRIE'S OFFICE PARTY, LEFT ARTHUR IN BATHTUB.
THIS ONE JUST SAYS "FIRE.
" I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! HEY, IF SHE'S STILL MAD ABOUT SOMETHING, IT'S HER JOB TO BRING IT UP THE NEXT DAY, NOT MINE.
YES, BUT BY THEN, HE'S DONE 5 MORE STUPID THINGS.
I CAN'T KEEP UP.
OH, YOU'VE DONE PLENTY OF STUFF YOURSELF.
LET'S SEE WHAT YOU'VE GOT HERE.
UH, OH, HERE WE GO.
HERE'S ONE RIGHT HERE, HUH? "BOUGHT WRONG FROSTING.
" GUILTY! YEAH.
I GOT A GROWN WOMAN ON MY HANDS WHO DOESN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CHOCOLATE AND CHOCOLATE FUDGE! WELL, IF YOU HATED IT SO MUCH, WHY DON'T YOU EXPLAIN TO GLENN HOW YOU CUT YOUR TONGUE ON THE CAN?! GUYS, GUYS! SHE'S NOT FOLLOWING THE RULES.
OH, STOP SUCKING UP TO HIM, YOU FUDGE-EATING MORON.
OOH.
ESCALATOR WORDS.
THOSE ARE ESCALATOR WORDS.
IS THAT AN ESCALATOR WORD? OH, REALLY, OH, I'M SORRY, FAT SAJAK.
YOU FAT, BEAVER-TOOTHED, PACKAGE DONKEY! OH, YEAH, WELL, I GOT 2 WORDS FOR YOU: BO AND TOX! HELLO.
HI.
COULD YOU GIVE THIS TRANSCRIPT BACK TO DOUG AND CARRIE? I DON'T WANT IT IN MY HOUSE ANYMORE.
OH, WHO'S THERE? OTHELLO.
AYE, DESDEMONA.
OH, WILL YOU COME TO MY BED, MY LORD? HAVE YOU PRAYED TONIGHT, DESDEMONA? AYE, MY LORD.
IT IS TOO LATE.
OH.
OH, GREAT.
WE'RE LATE.
IT'S ALREADY STARTED.
I TOLD YOU TO TAKE QUEENS BOULEVARD.
I'M A DRIVER, REMEMBER? YES.
I'M REMINDED EVERY TIME I SEE YOUR PAYCHECK.
A LITTLE HELP.
OH SHE'S ALL RIGHT.
OK, NEXT UP, WE HAVE ARTHUR SPOONER AND BETTY HOROWITZ DOING A SCENE ENTITLED THE LOVERS QUESTION MARK? TONY THREW IN I ATE 5 IN THE CAR.
IS THAT ALL THE BAGS? YEAH.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? WELL, MY DINNER'S NOT HERE.
WHAT?! SEE? NO EGGPLANT PARM, NO SALAD.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THAT BLOWS! YEAH.
DID WE SEE THIS PLAY? NO, STUPID, IT'S NOT A PLAY.
IT'S US.
HE MUST HAVE THE TRANSCRIPTS.
YOU KNOW, IT'D BE NICE IF YOU GAVE A CRAP ABOUT SOMEONE BESIDES YOURSELF JUST ONCE! OH, PLEASE! HOW ABOUT LAST WEEK? YOU FORGOT MY CHEESECAKE FROM THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY! HOW ABOUT YOU TAKE A LITTLE BUS RIDE BACK TO SHUTTYTOWN? OK, HE'S GOING RIGHT FROM HERE TO THE NURSING HOME.
DONE, AND WE'RE NOT EVEN GONNA TAKE HIM TO DAIRY QUEEN LIKE WE PROMISED.
HEY, DON'T PUNISH ME.
WELL, HOW DOES IT TASTE NOW, CHUNKY? PINEY-FRESH, JUST LIKE CHRISTMAS DINNER! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SPRAYED MY FOOD.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ATE IT.
YOU LIKED IT? WELL, TRY THIS.
HEY! HEY! HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY! HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY! OH, YEAH! THERE! LOOK, I'M SORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING, ALL RIGHT? ME, TOO.
OH, YEAH? I WISH I HAD A SHOVEL RIGHT NOW SO I COULD DIG YOUR GRAVE! HEY, WHY DON'T YOU USE THE ONE YOU EAT ICE CREAM WITH? OH, THAT'S CLEVER.
HERE'S A THOUGHT PUHHHT! WE HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR BUT FEAR ITSELF.
IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES.
IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES.
BOSOMS.
HA!