Desperate Housewives s08e03 Episode Script

Previously on Desperate Housewives Tom moved out of the house.
Tom and I are separating.
No.
After covering up a murder, Gaby warned Bree it was a bad time to be dating a cop.
Get rid of Chuck! But you've got to end this, and you've got to end it now.
Bree showed the mysterious letter to Paul, who'd seen one like it before.
I mentioned the letter to the police.
The main detective was a tall guy with a short name like, uh, Pence.
- Was it Vance? Chuck Vance? - That's it.
Carlos struggled with remorse I just want us to get back to normal.
We're never going back to normal! And discovered he wasn't the only one feeling guilty.
It is nice to be able to talk about this.
You wanna get some coffee? Susan Delfino and Carlos Solis had never been the best of friends.
Susan thought Carlos paid too much attention to other people's opinions.
And Carlos thought Susan didn't pay attention at all.
Over the years, they'd never had much to say to one another.
But one night, Susan found herself troubled by thoughts she couldn't share with her spouse.
While two doors down, Carlos was in the same predicament.
And that's how it came to pass that two people who'd never had much to say to one another suddenly found they had a great deal to talk about.
So I leave the office, walk into the parking garage, and there he is.
Alejandro.
Right in front of me.
I practically jump out of my skin.
Then I turn around again.
It's just some guy getting into his car.
This is not me.
I can't sleep.
I'm seeing ghosts.
I feel like I'm walking around with a neon sign on my forehead, flashing "Guilty, guilty," and everybody can see it.
Sometimes I think I'm losing it.
Me, too.
I was getting ready to deck the guy.
Can you imagine? Can I imagine? I assaulted a cop, remember? Oh, yeah.
What happened with that? And I can't tell Mike.
It's one more thing I'm lying to him about.
Well, I can talk to Gaby, but she's sick of listening.
That's what this makes this feel so I know.
Can I tell you something? When I went out walking tonight, I was kind of hoping I'd run into you.
I was kinda hoping that, too.
You're kidding.
You've never read "To Kill a Mockingbird"? In my school, if you read a book, it was more like "To Kill a Sophomore.
" Well, you would love it.
Um, it's about a guy who tries to hang on to his sense of right and wrong when the system fails him.
Gee, I don't get that at all.
Oh.
Your jacket.
Thank you.
Yes, Susan and Carlos were starting to pay attention to one another.
Good night.
But what they didn't realize was that someone else was paying attention, too.
Wisteria Lane may look flawless, but that's only because its residents are so good at concealing imperfections.
They know how to make something old look new again how to make an embarrassing mistake disappear how to make a poor showing look like a modest victory and how to make a friend feel better after she's gone through a messy breakup.
Gaby, how thoughtful.
It's from that new place, Skinny Berry.
Tastes like a milkshake but only 18 calories.
And I figured you could use a little pick-me-up after you dumped Chuck.
Yeah, well, about that Morning, women.
Morning.
Oh, is that is that from Skinny Berry? You know, the fraud unit's all over that place, right? Apparently those things are like pure ice cream.
Huh! Guess you can't trust anybody.
Have a good day.
All right, I know what you're gonna say Three words first word, "You're," third word, "Crazy," middle word what you keep doing to that guy! You don't understand.
Damn right I don't.
You said you were gonna dump him.
I was.
But I think Chuck wrote the letter.
The "I know what you did" letter? What makes you think that? I spoke to Paul Young, and Whoa, whoa.
Why would you talk to Paul? To find out who else knew about Mary Alice's letter, and he said that when he confessed to killing Martha Huber, Chuck was there.
Okay, but why would Chuck blackmail you? He's already got the milk and the cow.
No offense.
Just what else could he want? Maybe he wants to control me.
Maybe he wants money.
I don't know.
You've gotta start snooping.
- What? - Yeah.
Go through his stuff, hack into his e-mails, listen in on his phone calls.
I can't do that.
You have to, Bree.
Until we know what Chuck knows exactly what he knows, it's not just you who's in danger.
It's all of us.
How's that pressure? Ohh, perfect, and remember, Friedrich, I've hidden your tip somewhere on my body.
It's up to you to find it.
Go away! Renee! I need you.
Lee? I am in crisis.
I am at my wit's Well, hello.
Lee McDermott.
Nice to meet you.
I'm Friedrich.
Ooh, like in "The sound of music"? Nothing? Okay.
He plays for your team.
Anyway, I need a huge favor.
I don't do favors.
You know that.
It's for Jenny.
Oh, your daughter? - Yeah.
- No.
Oh, please.
I am desperate.
When Bob and I adopted her, we agreed that I would take care of the "Time of the month" talk, and Bob would handle all things bra.
Well, that bastard is in Tokyo, and the boobie fairy has arrived.
The boobie fairy? See why I should not be the one handling this? I was hoping maybe you could take her shopping? Oh, man up.
It's just a bra.
They terrify me.
Too many numbers and letters and colors, and it's my little girl growing up, and I can't deal.
Ohh, yes.
So you'll do it? No, he just found his tip.
Renee! Fine.
I'll take her, but only for an hour, and no small talk.
Oh, bless you.
I will never forget you for this.
Mwah.
Look! Ricky Martin! Eating a banana! Just checking.
Oh, please come with us.
You've bra shopped with Penny.
And maybe one of your older boys, if I'm guessing right.
I can't.
I have plans.
Oh, that's right.
Tom's got the kids, and you have this whole place to yourself.
What are you gonna do? Oh, sweetie.
Some man who's not married to you is gonna have to see that body soon.
Do not do this.
It's not for me.
My sister's coming.
Lydia? The disaster? Yeah.
Out of the blue, she called and says she wants to visit.
You know what that means.
She got dumped.
After loaning him a lot of money.
And finding out he's married.
In two states.
So I gotta get the whole toolkit ready so after she crash-lands here, I can pick up the pieces.
Uh, I'm going out the back door.
I hate to see people crying.
It reminds me how little I actually care about others.
Coming! Oh, hi.
- Lynnie.
- Ohh.
You look You look fantastic.
You thought I'd be my usual blubbery mess of snot and tears, didn't you? What? No.
Well, that's not me anymore.
Thanks to Rashi, I'm a changed woman.
Rashi? Oh, god.
Did you get a dog? No, silly.
I got engaged to the greatest guy in the world.
Oh, and, Lynette, I'm so sorry about you and Tom.
But don't worry.
I'm here to help.
Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
Grocery store was a madhouse.
I actually had to fight a woman over the last chicken.
- Susan - Unfortunately, she was Slavic a very sturdy people, so I hope you like cereal.
Susan, stop.
I just got off the phone with the guy from the county.
Something about your court-ordered community service for assaulting a policeman.
Oh.
That.
Yeah, that.
W it's so ridiculous.
I was trying to fight a parking ticket, and I knocked over the cop's bike.
Um, and I maybe told him his baby was ugly.
He he blew the whole thing out of proportion.
Well, you know what I'm blowing out of proportion? The guy on the phone called me "Mr.
Solis.
" Right.
Because, um Carlos picked me up at the, uh, police station, which I know sounds weird why him and not you I was just, uh, so embarrassed, I I didn't wanna tell you.
So there's nothing going on with you and Carlos? I shouldn't be worried about your little moonlight stroll last night? Have you been taking fighting lessons from that Slavic lady? Mike, come on.
I couldn't sleep.
Carlos couldn't sleep.
We ran into each other, and we talked.
About what? You barely know him.
The first eight years we lived here, you called him Ricky Ricardo.
He's going through something, and I'm helping him.
Yeah? Tell me.
What's he going through? It's personal.
Okay, Mike, Carlos and I are just friends.
I don't mind you being friends with a guy.
It's all the sneaking around and the lying I'm having a hard time with.
So she waltzes in to my advanced yoga class even though, clearly, she's never done yoga before.
Well, the teacher of the beginner's class wasn't nearly as cute as you.
And then I, uh, go over and correct her cobbler pose, right? And our eyes meet.
And three weeks later, he gives me this.
Wow, that's some rock.
Literally, it's a rock.
I saw it on the beach after class.
It calls out to me, and I feel like I might need it someday.
And you did.
Isn't the universe amazing? Amazingly thrifty.
Okay.
So this is my third glass.
I'm saying mean things, but I'm not getting a buzz.
The wine is alcohol-free.
So this night's not getting any better.
Ever since Rashi did a liver cleanse on me, I haven't had a drop to drink.
You got Lydia to give up wine? You should take your act to Vegas.
It's not an act.
I'm gonna go grab some spices out of the van.
Okay, who are you kidding? You can't marry that sunflower seed.
I'm not kidding anybody.
I love him.
In fact, he's leading a meditation seminar at Kerrigan Park.
Why don't you come? It might help you deal with your marriage crashing.
My marriage did not crash.
Tom and I are separated.
Exactly why you should be doing some "Lynette work.
" Come on.
It'll be fun.
Six hours of silence in a traditional mountain yurt.
I promise you, Lydia, if you drag me to a yurt, two will go in, one will come out.
Careful.
That's our tax dollars you're dripping.
Sorry.
You need to pace yourself.
You're gonna need lots of paint to cover that gigantic banana over there.
Uh I don't think that's a banana.
Hey, I worked hard on that graffiti.
What are you doing here? "To kill a mockingbird.
" I started reading it last night.
It was so good.
I couldn't wait to talk to you about it.
Yeah, well, I'm kinda beautifying the city at the moment.
Don't you get a lunch? Look, Carlos, Mike found out we were spending time together, and he's a little weird about it, so I don't think we should be having any intimate lunches.
Why is he weird? I mean, nothing's going on.
No, of course not, but somehow us meeting in the middle of the night and me lying about it was kind of a red flag for him.
Okay.
Well, if lunch is too intimate How about I help with the beautifying? I guess there's no harm in that.
Excuse me.
Are you here for community service? Nope, just trying to be a good citizen.
Can't.
Not unless you committed a crime.
Are you serious? Yeah.
There.
I littered.
Jenny, trust me.
You want Jackson to notice you, ice him out.
Don't talk to him.
Don't look at him.
Maybe have sex with his best friend.
I mean, have a soda.
Got it? Totes.
What happened to you guys? You were supposed to be back two hours ago.
Uh, we went shopping.
Here's your credit card.
Oh, and by the way, I upped your limit.
So tell me all about your day.
O.
M.
G.
I want to see everything you bought.
Dad, you're like a million years too old for "O.
M.
G.
" I'm gonna try the makeup you got me.
Wait.
You got her makeup? She's 11.
Uh, she wears a bra now.
Think she's ready for strawberry lip gloss.
Tell me what happens with Jackson.
I want all the deets.
"Deets.
" I love you.
Well, look at you two, all B.
F.
F.
So who's this Jackson? I would like those deets.
Oh, she asked me not to tell anyone about him.
I'm not anyone.
I'm her co-father.
Well, don't take it personally.
There are just some things girls would rather talk about with other girls.
I could be a girl.
I could totally be a girl! Well, you got the voice down.
Hey, where are you? In the kitchen! Come join me.
Smells amazing.
What are you making? Oh, seared tilapia, bearnaise sabayon, and a little bok choy.
Mind giving me a hand? Bree, the only word I recognized in that sentence was "Hand.
" Come on.
There's nothing to it.
This is bearnaise sauce.
It just needs ten minutes of constant whisking.
Constant.
Look at you.
You're a natural.
I'm gonna go dress for dinner.
Now remember, keep whisking for ten minutes.
If your hand starts to spasm, it means you're doing it right.
Bree, I think it's been ten minutes! No! No, not even close! Keep whisking till it's light and frothy! Okay, I don't care how long it's been, that stuff ain't getting any frothier.
And I got a cramp in my shooting hand.
So if a criminal gets away tomorrow, it'll be your fault.
I'm so sorry.
Here.
Let me, uh, massage it for you.
He took a picture of your hand while you were sleeping? How creepy is that? I know.
Why would he do such a thing? - Oh, my god.
- What? He must have found a handprint at the crime scene.
He pulled your print off the photo, and they were a match.
- Is that possible? - I don't know.
Well, then what's in the envelope? Maybe the cell phone or a piece of the shovel handle.
Whatever it is, that's what he's gonna use to nail us.
Well, we have to get that envelope, and I can't keep distracting him by having him stir sauces.
By the way, his bearnaise disaster.
Okay.
Tonight when he gets home, you take him for a long walk, leave the back door open, and I'll do the rest.
Got it.
What if the briefcase is locked? I can pick locks.
Yeah.
I can also disguise my voice, forge people's signatures, and I'm a decent pickpocket.
Adultery gave me some valuable life skills.
Fractions are so stupid.
I'm never gonna need this stuff anyway.
Are you kidding me? Let's say you marry a guy who's worth $20 million.
You divorce him, and he gives you half, but your prenup says you get three-quarters.
That extra $5 million gets you a yacht, because you learned your fractions.
True story, by the way.
Hello? It's Lee! Hey! Come on up.
You know, you'd be a really cool mom.
You think so? No, I'd probably just leave the kid in a nightclub or Morocco.
Hey.
What are you doing here? What am I doing here? I'm looking for my daughter, who said she'd be home by 5:00.
- I guess we got carried away.
- Totes.
Use the whole word! How much time are you saving? - Calm down.
- Can you stay out of this? This is between me and my daughter.
Stop.
You're embarrassing me.
I don't care.
You need to come home with me now.
What if I say I'm not ready to leave? What if I say you're grounded for a week? Should we keep going? What?! You are so unfair! Aren't you being a little hard on her? Back off, Renee.
You're not her mother.
Mmm.
My sweet, that was your most delicious meal yet.
What was in this? Uh, just walnuts, hemp curds, and one very special ingredient.
Please don't say "Love," because I'm already nauseous.
I find that a walk after a meal helps encourage my digestive flow.
Anybody care to join me? You go.
I'll clean up.
No, Lynette! That's full of poison.
Yes, delicious, creamy poison, which, by the way, you used to suck down by the gallon.
Yes, I know, but I've changed.
And I wanna help you change, too.
It's why I'm here.
Wow.
That's a bigger load of crap than the one we just ate.
Excuse me? You're not here for me.
You're here because for once, you're the one in the happy relationship, and you just couldn't wait to rub my face in it.
How could Why do you al No.
No, no, no, no.
No.
You won't drag me down to your level.
I am surrounded by a beautiful bubble of loving energy.
Yes, Lydia, you are in a bubble, but once the pebble collector dumps you like they all do, you'll go right back to being the ice cream-binging, wine-swilling, neurotic mess you really are.
Pop! You are so mean.
God, I hate you.
There she is.
Welcome back.
My whole life, you've treated me like a screwup.
You always had to be the happy one, the smart one, the married one.
Well, guess what? Now you're the screwup, bitch.
You're alone and miserable, and I love it.
I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it! Wow.
I just, uh, forgot my iPod.
Wow.
Uh-oh.
A chardonnay float.
Does that mean Yes.
Rashi's gone to the retreat alone, so congratulations.
Now I'm just as miserable as you are.
Did he dump you? He said now that he's seen the real me, he needs to meditate on whether or not he can still marry me.
I'm so screwed, dude.
You know, if he was that quick to run off, maybe he's not the guy.
He's the guy.
I'm just not the girl.
I thought I could put all that loser stuff behind me and actually have a functional relationship.
I guess that's too much to ask for.
Why don't you go talk to him? I can't.
After how I behaved, I've been told my energy is no longer welcome in the yurt.
Where is she? Where is who? Jenny.
She's supposed to be grounded, but when I went to her room to check on her, she was gone.
Well, she's not here.
I've been out all afternoon.
I don't think I trust you.
Jenny? Are you in here? This is all your fault, you know.
My fault? How is it my fault? I'm sorry.
I'm not speaking to you right now.
We were a perfectly happy family before you got involved.
Got involved? You made me take her shopping 'cause you're scared of boobs! Yeah, and then you glommed on because you don't have kids of your own.
It's not her fault! Jenny.
I snuck in a back window.
Sorry.
What's going on? Why are you here? I like it here.
We did our nails.
More.
I don't know.
Sometimes I think it'd be cool to have a mother.
Oh, my god.
The "M" word.
Easy.
What can a mother do that I can't? You wanna do your nails? Mani-pedi Mondays start next week.
You want to try on shoes? I have the stilettos that Cher wore to the "Moonstruck" Premiere.
You can't go in the ladies' room with me.
So that's the problem?! Well, you've got me.
I see why having a dad and a papa is so horrible.
Jenny, why don't you go in the kitchen? The latest "Vogue" is in there.
We have magazines at our house, too! Are you okay? This is my worst nightmare come true.
I've worried about this moment ever since she came into our lives.
What if Bob and I aren't enough? What if she does need a mother? Oh, shut up.
Excuse me? You took a girl who was bouncing from one foster home to another and gave her two great parents who love her.
But you heard her.
It's not enough.
Oh, please, she's a kid.
Today she wants a mom.
Tomorrow she'll want a car.
Jenny is not lacking for anything, and you guys are doing an amazing job with her.
Really? Yeah, really.
So amazing, that for the first time in my life, I actually enjoyed hanging out with a kid.
Aw.
Thank you.
And I take back everything I said about you being an insensitive bitch.
Uh, you never said that.
Don't open your e-mail.
We are the sun, the warmth radiating from our hearts.
We are the endless sea rolling beneath the forever sky.
We are the leaves.
The wind blows us from trees.
Sorry, sorry.
Stupid wind.
We are the stars, glowing, growing, losing ourselves but gaining the universe.
You got a sec? What are you doing here? Besides trying not to laugh my ass off? I need to talk to you.
Well, not now! My students have been meditating for six hours.
They are very close to finding their bliss.
I'm sure they can spare you for a few minutes, so come talk to me, or I will start singing Ethel Merman at the top of my lungs.
There's no business like show business - there's no - So sorry.
I'll be right back.
Come on.
You can't leave Lydia.
I don't want to, but I didn't recognize that person I saw yelling at you.
I did.
It's the person I turn her into every time we get together.
The Lydia I didn't recognize was the one who breezed through my house, happy and in love.
You don't understand.
It's too hard for me to be around people like you and Lydia.
Then eat a root or chant or whatever.
It's not gonna help, okay? Why not? Because you are exactly like my family.
My name is not Rashi.
It's Herbert Brickmeyer, from Levittown, Long Island, and that energy in your kitchen that was pure Brickmeyer, and I can't be around that again.
Okay.
Okay, first of all, Lydia doesn't act like that when I'm not pushing her buttons.
And even if she did, work it out.
That's what a relationship is.
And you're a relationship expert? I'm an expert on screwing them up.
I'm guessing it took you a while to stop being a crazy Long Island Brickmeyer, so give Lydia a little time to find her bliss, too.
I'll think about it.
All this talk about my family's got me really jonesing for a cigarette.
You wouldn't happen to Sorry, Herb.
Hi.
Hi.
- What? - Rashi called.
He had an epiphany during the retreat.
He knows I'm changing, and he's willing to be patient.
He's right.
You are changing.
I have never seen you like this before.
Really? Yeah, really, honey.
I think I think that is why I have been so rotten to you.
I'm jealous.
Why? I don't get in relationships, Lydia.
I get on them.
I mount them and grab them by the hair and kick them in the sides until I make them go where I want.
And god help the other person if they have a different idea than me.
Is that what happened with you and Tom? Oh, yeah.
You can change, too, Lynette.
I don't know if I can.
I'm pretty sure this is as good as it gets.
No, Lynette.
No, because you recognize your problem now.
And a wise man once said that to begin the journey of change, we must pull on the boots of self-awareness.
And was that wise man Rashi? Isn't he adorable? And when he talks to Scout and Jim, you know he doesn't wanna just do the right thing for the community.
He wants to do the right thing as a father.
I know.
It's like when Gregory Peck looks at those kids, you can tell that he's Gregory Peck? You didn't actually read the book, did you? Yeah.
I started, and then it was on cable.
I'm sorry.
It's just too many pages.
Mike.
What? Oh, god.
He's turning around! Okay.
Uh Okay, come on.
Do you think he saw us? I don't know.
I don't see his truck.
I think he left.
Oh, thank god.
Wow, that was close.
Yeah, my heart's pounding.
I know.
I can feel it.
What is going on here? Nothing.
Are you sure? Yeah.
We're just two friends who are going through a tough time and are trying to help each other through it, right? Then why are we hiding in the back of a van from my husband? I don't think we should do this anymore.
Yeah.
Mike! What are you doing? When you're done helping your boyfriend, we need to talk.
You okay? Yeah.
Hello.
How was your day? It was a little stressful.
Ah.
Mine, too.
We need to unwind.
How about a nice, long walk? I have a better idea.
There's someplace special I'd like to take you.
Oh? Where? It's a surprise.
I don't really like surprises.
I do.
Shall we? Now? Uh, can I freshen up first? You look plenty fresh to me.
But I've been in these clothes all day.
I'd really like to change.
Okay.
Don't keep me waiting.
Bree, have you left yet? New plan.
He's taking me out, and he's got the envelope.
- Where are you going? - He won't say, but if he wrote that letter, and he's bringing me somewhere with the evidence This is when he gives you the shakedown! I'll follow you.
I thought you were gonna change.
I did.
My attitude.
I didn't wanna go, but now I do.
Uh, what about that that table in the corner? We'd like some privacy.
No, no, no, no.
I hate privacy.
I like noise and bustle and lots of people.
How about this one in the middle? Whatever you say.
Oh, aren't you warm in that jacket? Actually, a little.
So, um, let's order first, and then we can talk.
Don't these appetizers sound delicious? Yum! Escargot, and I I love onion soup.
But it'll be hard to pass up on the beef tartare.
Rustic country pate.
Look.
Uh, what am I looking at? It just says "Rustic country pate.
" Maybe we should look on the left side of the menu.
I definitely think we'll find something good on the left side.
We didn't get a wine list.
Where's our waiter? I'll be right back.
Wait.
Where where are you going? To freshen up.
Again? What do you think's in there? What if it's a bone? You open it! Oh, no.
Maybe it's a tooth? Ohh.
The picture of my hand He was trying to figure out my ring size.
Well, this doesn't necessarily mean he didn't send the letter.
I think it does.
Okay, well, this is a relief, right? I mean, at least he's not blackmailing you.
No, it means he wants to marry me.
So what are you gonna do? I like Chuck, but he's not the man I wanna spend the rest of my life with.
You can go.
I'll do my best to let him down easy.
Some rock, and on a cop's salary? But you should still dump him.
Mike.
If you're gonna say it, say it fast.
There is no fast way to say it, buddy.
What the hell are you doing here? We're finally gonna tell you the truth.
About a month ago, the progressive dinner you remember that night? Just get to the part that's the truth.
I killed Gaby's stepfather.
And me and the girls helped cover it up.
I'm sorry that took so long.
Oh, that that-that's all right.
It actually gave me a chance to have a scotch and a glass of red wine.
Calm my nerves a little.
God, I wish I could have a drink.
Why? What are you nervous about? I have something important to say.
Huh.
Um, I-I wonder If it's the same thing that I'm gonna say.
I'm pretty sure it's not.
Chuck, you are a wonderful man, and I have enjoyed our time together, but Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you are you you're dumping me? I was I was about to propose to you.
I'm sorry if I misled you Hey, there's a fake apology.
You did mislead me.
Chuck, please You know, it's like you're two people.
There's the woman I have fun with, who I really I really connect to, and there's this other woman who's who's, uh, who's mysterious and-and weird and keeps sneaking out to "Run errands.
" There's another guy, isn't there? No.
I assure you, there's no one else.
Don't lie to me! Was he the one who sent you that letter? What letter? The one that you, uh, you were reading the other night, you got all shook up about Was that from him? There is no "Him.
" You know, Bree, I would've done anything for you.
I protect the people that I care about.
I don't care about you now.
So if you find yourself in trouble, and I'm pretty sure that someday you will Then don't come calling me.
You have made a very big mistake.
Yes, the residents of Wisteria Lane are skilled at the art of concealment.
They know how to cover the evidence of a messy breakup to compensate for what their children might be missing and to spare the feelings of a loved one whose taste they may not share.
But for some, the art of concealment comes at too great a cost.
And so they find themselves forced to reveal the truth even at the risk of facing an uncertain future.