Frasier s08e03 Episode Script

Rule number one: Always stand in back of the kerb until the bus comes to a complete stop.
Now take your money and put it right in here.
Yes, thank you, Roz.
But I am not completely lacking in street smarts.
Good day, busman.
The northwest corner of Highland and First, please.
- That's not a stop.
- I know.
Perhaps if I just shove a little encouragement into this box - Come on.
- I'm paying my fare.
Keep your eyes peeled for a seat and hold onto a pole.
It doesn't look very clean, Roz.
Well, would you rather wind up on the floor? Dear God! WOMAN 1: Francine.
WOMAN 2: Miranda.
Wow, it's a long time.
How are things at The Colonnade? MIRANDA: Oh, trust me, you are missed.
Things have gotten so crazy, they put me in charge.
- Oh, that's great.
You deserve it.
- Thank you.
How are you doing? - Which one are you staring at? - I'm not staring.
That would be rude.
- Which one? - The blonde.
Why don't you go and talk to her? Please, Roz, come on.
The woman's a perfect stranger.
Stranger? You know her name, you know she has a job, you know she's attractive.
It's like an A&E Biography compared to what I usually know going in.
[FRASIER CHUCKLES.]
No.
Gosh, look at me.
I'm soaked through, my hair's a mess.
Believe me, you could look a lot worse.
After I specifically told people, on the air, not to do that.
Look, why don't you go over and talk to her? It's not like you'll ever see her again if she shoots you down.
Well, perhaps you're right.
What harm could it do? My goodness, who would've thought that such a rare butterfly could exist in this tin cocoon? Hey, for your information, plenty of refined, sophisticated women ride the bus every Open your eyes, nimrod.
That was my stop.
- Good luck.
Bye-bye.
FRASIER: All right.
Oh.
Please, take mine.
Oh, here you go.
You better take mine too.
That way you can spread out.
Well, not that you need to spread out.
Well, it's my first time on a bus.
Excuse me, miss? Um, Miranda.
So, Duke, how's the weather in Florida? Eighty-two? I sure envy you.
Yeah, it's nothing but rain here.
Yeah, Channel 4 said it should clear up tomorrow, but the Channel 5 guy said probably not till the weekend.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Yep, then there's the Weather Channel.
Early morning guy said it'll probably break by Saturday.
But then the midmorning guy said What do you mean you gotta go? Shuffleboard? Oh, come on, Duke, get a life.
Hey, Niles.
I thought you were working.
Well, a patient cancelled, so I thought I'd drop by and see you.
Oh, my God.
You have no idea how good it feels to say that.
I'm here to see you.
[SIGHS.]
No more flimsy pretences.
No more making tedious small talk with Dad.
Hey, Niles, it's 82 in Florida.
Here to see Daphne, Dad.
Well, I better check on the roast in the oven.
- It's 375 in there.
- Ha, ha.
All right, no more weather talk.
I'm probably just getting a little stir crazy from being cooped up for two weeks.
But, won't be too much longer.
It will all end when the meteor shower, if you can believe those Channel 7 Doppler guys.
Ooh! I wonder what they're up to.
Remember that meteor shower we had a few years ago? Oh, please, don't remind me.
I was over here having dinner with Maris.
- I will never forget that night.
- Neither will I.
I've never seen a person cut a caper in half.
No, no.
I was out on the terrace, witnessing this incredible display.
And I was absolutely miserable.
Now I know it's because I would much rather have been sharing that moment with you.
- Well, I'm here now.
- Mm.
Why don't we watch it together this Saturday? Oh, Daphne, that's a wonderful idea.
We'll re-create the entire moment, right there on the terrace, right down to the last detail.
Except we'll be together.
And instead of serving '92 Dom Pérignon, we'll serve the '90 and we'll right two horrible wrongs.
[DOOR OPENS.]
- Wow.
Frasier, what happened? FRASIER: What happened? I went six months without replacing my pollen filter in my car, so it was in the shop.
Couldn't get a cab, so I took the bus home.
Which splashed me.
And I fell down, missed my stop, and had to walk home ten blocks in this downpour.
You went six months without changing your pollen filter? - You could use a spot of tea.
- Desperately.
What will it be, then? I've got Earl Grey, English breakfast, chamomile, orange pekoe, oolong, lapsang souchong Oh, for God's sake just throw a bag in some hot water.
Earl Grey.
Uh Fras, I know it's not your thing, but Duke sent me tickets for tomorrow's Sonics game.
- You wanna go? - I've got plans.
- What plans? - Just plans.
- If you don't wanna go, just tell me.
- I don't wanna go.
Would it kill you to spend one night with me? I spend every night with you.
I have done my best to keep you entertained, but in the seven years since you've landed at my doorstep, have you ever known me once to show any interest in basketball? You know I'd go, Dad, but I have the quilt show.
Please, Niles, I feel bad enough already.
- Care for sherry, Niles? - Thank you.
Little rough on Dad, weren't you? Oh, I suppose so.
It's just been a rotten day.
You don't even know the topper.
There was an enchanting young woman on the bus.
Just when I had worked up enough nerve to go and talk to her, I slipped on something that I can only hope was an old burrito.
Before I could manage to get up, she was gone.
Well, I suppose it just wasn't meant to be.
Wait a minute.
You know I did happen to overhear her name and where she works.
Well, then what are you waiting for? Seize the day.
Do you think I got together with Daphne by just sitting around? - Take a chapter from my book.
- Mm-hm.
Exactly what chapter would that be, Niles? - The last chapter.
- Yeah.
Suppose I did go and talk with her.
What would I say? "I spied on you on the bus and I've managed to hunt you down where you work.
Would you care to have dinner sometime?" I might as well just lop off my ear and mail it to her.
No, just pretend you're there on business.
Where does she work? It's a retirement home.
Oh! Well, tell her you're there looking for someplace for Dad.
In fact, bring him along for cover.
No, no.
You know how he hates those places.
He'd never agree to it.
He doesn't need to.
Take him to the game tomorrow and make an unannounced stop on the way.
You're suggesting that I go crawling back to Dad, beg him to let me take him to the game, use him to meet a pretty girl, then sit through a sport I loathe? All right, I see your point.
No, I'm just trying to get the sequence right.
Oh, Dad You could have told me we were stopping here when we left.
You never would have agreed to come.
You didn't have to trick me.
I mean, I would never do that to you.
Someone is forgetting sending Niles and me off to camp to earn our opera badges.
Oh, there she is.
Remember: You're interested in living here.
All right.
But I don't wanna be late for the game.
Excuse me.
I'm Frasier Crane.
- This is my father, Martin.
- Hello.
We're interested in finding out more about The Colonnade.
Is there someone we could talk to? Well, I'm the director here.
Miranda Rogers.
Why don't I get you brochures? And if you like what you see, you can fill out an application.
- Application? - It only takes about 20 minutes.
- Twenty minutes? - Yes, Dad.
Application, 20 minutes.
He likes to repeat things.
It's a soothing mechanism.
Twenty minutes.
Twenty minutes.
You're very patient with him.
I'll be right back.
You didn't say I had to put anything in writing.
You haven't even seen her before.
- You're trying to put me here for real.
- No, I'm not.
You said you met on the bus.
I knew that was full of holes.
For God's sakes, will you stop? No one's gonna put you anywhere.
Damn right.
I'm not filling out any application.
Will you hurry up and make your date and let's get off this ice floe? I'm starting a tour.
It'd be a good way to get your questions answered.
- That's a splendid idea.
- A tour? Yes, Dad, a tour.
A tour.
Now come along.
As you can see, we're a full-service facility.
Will you hurry up and ask her? If we move any slower, they're gonna start harvesting our organs.
It's difficult with all these people around.
Well The game's already started.
Two minutes and I'm calling a cab.
All right, all right.
- Hey, I know you.
McGinty's, right? - Yeah.
Marty Crane.
- Yeah, Lee Zeplowitz.
- Hi, Lee.
Hey, we can really use a fourth for poker if you're moving in.
Oh, jeez, no, I'm sorry.
I'm just here to do a favour for my son.
We're on our way over to the ball game.
Uh-huh.
They told me I was going to the Space Needle.
- Thanks for the tour.
- Oh, you're welcome.
If you have any more questions, don't hesitate.
Actually, you know, I do have one more question.
Do you think it'd be possible to have dinner sometime? Oh, sure.
Come by with your father around 5 tomorrow and I'll set you up at the cafeteria.
I should warn you, tomorrow's steak night.
So be prepared to throw a few elbows.
Ha-ha-ha.
And you just asked me out on a date, didn't you? Yes, but that was before I knew it was steak night.
Sure.
Why not? How about this weekend? - Well, that's great.
I'll call you.
- Okay.
I don't normally date people I've just met, but you seem like such a nice person.
I can tell by the way you are with your father.
Yes, well, we're very close.
All right, Dad, I've checked.
The rain's letting up a bit.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Niles, what are you doing here? Daphne and I are watching the meteor shower.
No, you're not.
I have a date.
- That's tonight? - Yes.
Well, what are we gonna do? I don't know.
Go to the roof.
We can't do that.
We're having a re-creation.
You'll never believe this.
Frasier wants to send us to the roof.
- What a romantic idea.
- Isn't it? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Yes, yes, it's very romantic.
Now get your crap and go.
Coming.
Coming.
Where'd you put Dad, in storage? I have no idea where Dad is.
All I know is he's not here and you are.
- Hello.
- Good evening, Miranda.
Come in.
I'd like to introduce you to my brother, Niles Crane.
- Hello.
- And this is Daphne Moon.
- Hi.
- His lady friend.
- Oh, I suppose I am.
- You are my lady friend.
Yes, she is.
We're trying to keep it hush-hush.
We're not really I'm sorry, my brother's not very social, really.
Here we are.
So would you care for some wine? Oh, I'd love some.
Yeah.
- Oh, you have a beautiful place.
- Thank you.
Something tells me this must be your father's chair.
Yes, well, you know, I insisted that he bring it with him when he moved in here.
I mean, after all, this is his home too.
- How thoughtful of you.
- Yes.
Well, I imagine he'll be bringing that with him when he moves in.
Gosh, Miranda, you know, I've got to be honest with you.
As much as I like The Colonnade, I'm not sure Dad's ready to move yet.
Well, then, I guess he hasn't told you.
Your father filled out an application today.
Application? My father? Today? Sounds like he's moving just in time.
You're picking up that repeating thing.
I've been giving a lot of thought to this idea of a pet name for you.
And you've decided to give it up? No, I don't give up that easily, Woggles.
[LAUGHING.]
I was kidding.
You're not really a Woggles.
You're more of a Cuddles.
No, I was kidding again.
Someone stop me.
Oh, what have we got in here, then? Oh.
Well, we have the finest champagne and beluga caviar.
Oh.
Broken bits of pottery.
That's peanut brittle.
I made it myself so we could have something sweet.
Go on, try some.
Well, I hardly need something sweet with you here.
You are such a dear.
Seriously, try some.
[DAPHNE CHUCKLES.]
Oh.
Mmm.
Mmm! - Oh.
Oh.
- Is it good? It's like little shards of heaven.
Oh, dear.
The wind's picked up.
Oh, dear.
I hope nothing else blows away.
- What happened to the peanut brittle? - It blew away.
[CAR ALARM WAILING.]
Oh.
I'll run and get some books to hold this cloth down.
What happened? DAPHNE: I moved the block to hold down the blanket.
Now the door seems to be stuck.
All right.
Daphne, you sit tight.
I'll run and get the super.
- I'll have it open in a minute.
- All right.
Daphne, where's the key to the stairway door? DAPHNE: Oh.
I've got it.
- I'll slide it under.
- Oh, all right.
No problem.
Take your time.
- No need to panic.
DAPHNE: Oh, dear.
There is no under.
It's sealed tight.
Sealed? All right.
Now, Daphne, try and remain calm.
Well, we'll just have to wait for the night watchman.
He checks all these doors when he does his rounds in a few hours.
For the last time, Daphne, I told you not to panic.
And please don't make me say it again.
I have to conserve oxygen.
- Hey, look, Marty.
There's your son.
- Yeah.
Nice try.
Like I'd take my eyes off you while you're dealing.
Dad, can I have a word with you? Oh, Fras, yeah.
All right, keep going, guys.
I'm in.
What happened to your date? Well, suffice it to say it didn't go so well.
I spent the whole time worried about you.
Listen, I came down to apologise.
I've been selfish and I've neglected you.
And I'm sorry.
Oh, well, apology accepted, son.
We've both been cranky.
It's probably just the rain.
No, Dad, listen, listen.
I want us to go to games together.
I really do.
And I want us to see movies and go drinking at McGinty's - Well, that's great, son.
- No, Dad.
I'm trying to say something.
I'm not ready for you to leave.
L I don't want you to move in here.
I'd miss you too much.
Please, Dad, come home.
Please? What the hell are you talking about? I'm not moving in here.
But Miranda told me you'd filled out an application.
That you told her you'd found a new home.
[WHISPERING.]
Well, I had to.
It's the only way to stay in the game.
It's for residents only.
This was just a ruse so you could continue playing poker? Well, it's not just poker.
It's poker with the three worst players I've ever seen.
Hey, Marty, you in? Sid's got a pair of tens showing.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Look at me, Sid.
Raise you 20.
You dream about getting in games like this all your life.
But you never think it's gonna happen.
Ha-ha-ha! Dad, Dad, please.
I can't let you go on taking advantage of these people.
I'm not taking advantage of them.
I'm giving them an education.
Consider it an expensive seminar.
Seminar, my eye.
Now, you're gonna give every dime of that money back to those men.
All right.
I'll let them win it back.
- Come on, Marty.
You in? - All right.
Yeah, I'm in.
Let's see.
Lee's got a pair of aces.
Whoa! Three tens here.
What have I got? Four, five, seven Well, I'll just bet it all.
Too rich for my blood.
I'll leave the light on for you, Dad.
How are you holding up? Is that spider still around? I think he's realised he's more afraid of me than I am of him.
He's not in his corner.
He's not in his corner.
Oh.
There he is.
Found him.
Ha-ha.
Oh, Daphne, you must be starving.
Please, don't wait for me.
You go ahead and eat.
You're sure? Oh! I just saw one.
- A spider? - No, a meteor.
It's beautiful.
It just appeared out of nowhere.
That's it.
I missed it the last time.
I'm not gonna let it happen again.
Daphne, stand back.
This door is coming down.
Okay, I'm ready.
Oh! I just saw another one.
Oh, it's breathtaking.
It just streaked from one end of the sky to the other.
Oh, Niles, I wish you could see this.
So do I, my love.
What did you just call me? Oh, well, it was kind of a place-filler.
I didn't have time to think of a good one.
No, I like it.
"My love.
" Yeah, it's nice.
- Oh! I just saw another one.
- What's it look like? It's got a long, glittering tail.
It reminds me of the time my father drove home from the pub with a trash can stuck underneath his car.
Sparks were flying everywhere.
- Did I ever tell you that story? - No, you never did, my love.
Well, my father stopped in at the pub on his way home from work