Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s08e03 Episode Script

Oh, I am glad we came.
Aren't you glad we came out? Me? I'm just looking back at the old days when there used to be such a thing as oxygen.
Come along you, we're nearly there.
Nearly where? There's nowt up here.
Ohoh, don't tell me we've come all this way and God's not in.
That's the whole point, isn't it? The challenge of the lonely peaks.
I hope I live long enough to see my ferret go up your trouser leg.
Look Look at Clegg gazing thoughtfully, seized already by the drama of the hills.
Actually, I was wondering, if I took my second pullover off, would I get a chill? I have never seen such a pair of civilians! Does he know how far we've come? 'Course I know how far we've come.
I'm not exactly a novice at map reading, you know.
Did you see how I did that? You know, that Paratrooper's Roll.
Catlike on the balls of the feet, knees bent to absorb the shock.
And over you go, instinctively, into this Paratrooper's Roll.
After a while, it becomes second nature, you know.
Did tha' do a lot of parachuting? As Corporal Signwriter? Wellerlike most of us there, I don't enjoy talking about it.
As a matter of fact, as a military necessity, they asked us not to talk about it.
When people's lives depend upon you keeping silent, it becomes a habit difficult to break.
Which is why you may have seen me sometimes.
I'll be in a crowded room and yet - remote.
The jaw set firmly.
Lips tightly sealed.
Not really being standoffish, just thewell, just the loneliness of the warrior.
Bowed a little under the weight of his terrible knowledge.
Foreverseparated from fellow human beings.
Well, stuff me.
We always thought tha were just hanging back in case tha had to buy a round.
It must be a lonely life.
The Way of the Samurai.
Well, one gets used to it.
Just don't ask me to talk about it.
Don't ever ask me to talk about it.
Are you listening? Don't ask me.
Understood, Foggy.
We won't ever ask thee to talk about it.
I never was one for bragging.
You win a chestful of medals, but you don't go swaggering about.
You put them away in a drawer.
I don't even know which drawer.
Top left on your dressing table.
How do you know? You showed us.
You must have asked.
I do oblige if people show a genuine interest.
It's a good job someone round here has military qualities.
Where would you two be then? In bed.
Do you two just want to stay bone idle? Look, next time kindly ask us that at the bottom of the hill.
I despair sometimesI really do.
If it wasn't for my drive, you'd never see places like this.
Oh, dear! Just imagine! BOTH: Never see places like this! I try to give you an interest in life.
I've got an interest.
This one's legal.
These things don't just happen.
You see, people have to go to endless trouble - planning, logistics, timing.
Then when I do find you somewhere with its own lonely beauty Unfrequented.
Away from everyday noise, rush and bustle SUDDEN ROAR OF MOTOR CYCLES Them track bikes weren't half moving though.
I'd like to have a crack at that.
Funny you should say that.
What's funny about that, Norm? I think it's funny.
You on a track bike.
Yes, as he is now, scruffy little Herbert, he needs a new image.
A new image? Don't you want to be big with Nora Batty? Oh yes, I do, I want to be big with Nora Batty.
Would she be able to resist the Phantom? What's this Phantom have to do? Nothing, he just has to be magnificent.
Magnificent? Oh well, I can handle that.
Are you sure? How fast is magnificent? Oh, it's not a question of speed.
Well then, it's no bother, is it? I can be slow and magnificent.
I'm in with a chance with that.
It's presenting the right image.
That's it.
No bother.
You have to look cool, suaveand fearless.
Why did he have to mention "fearless", Norm? You were OK with cool and suave?! No bother.
Just fearless.
You don't have to BE fearless, just LOOK it.
Oh, that's it, then.
Put me down for fearless! Are you sure about this? He knows what he's doing.
I'm improving his image.
Yes.
God knows he needs it.
God knows I need it.
All we need now for the Phantom is an impressive mount.
CRASH! IVY: Look at this mess! I thought I told you to clear up! I thought I had cleaned it up.
I wonder why men are born useless.
What evolutionary advantage is there in having one half of an entire species programmed to behave like a duck egg? Hey up, Crusher! I'll be with you in a minute, when I've finished this rollicking.
That lad'll be a bundle of nerves.
Her bark is worse than her bite.
Mind you, with a bark like that, who needs a bite? Crusher, I bet tha enjoys working for thy Aunty Ivy, eh? Oh aye, I'm really enjoying working for Aunty Ivy.
Me mam said I would.
"You'll really enjoy working for your Aunty Ivy", she said.
DOWN, IVY! DOWN! GET DOWN! IVY! Take it easy with this lad here.
Easy? They took it easy with you, and look what happened! Will you let her to talk like that to the Phantom? Am I going to allow her to speak like that to the Phantom, Norm? Might not be a bad idea.
I think tha's right.
Milburnours is a difficult way to earn a living.
You've entered an unsmooth path of life.
The fast food industry is bedevilled with every snag - from excessive competition to creepy crawlies that sneak on to people's plates.
But of all the hazards in the catering industry here, the one I would warn you against most strongly, is that dozy lot who just left in a guilty hurry.
They're not wicked, they're not even bad.
Only one third of them is unhygienic.
But what they are is irr-esp-onsible.
What are they, Milburn? - Irre - Irre BOTH: sponsible.
Yes, that's it, that's right.
It's not their fault entirely.
They've got something vital missing.
Apart from the obvious gap up here, they've got no women in their lives.
There's no-one to exercise a steadying influence.
So naturally, as a consequence, they've become the three biggest barmpots in the country.
So try and ignore them, Milburn, it's not easy, I know.
But try.
Milburn, is anything bothering you? How long do I have to wear this frock? It's NOT a FROCK!! It's a catering overall!! Couldn't I wear my racing leathers? Ooh, I look GREAT in those.
No, I can't I can't wear my racing leathers.
HAMMERING That thing is supposed to improve my image?! Look what Bluebird did for Malcolm Campbell.
Bluebird? That looks like a plucked chicken.
Gratitude, gratitude.
Listen, Little Uncomely Person Norm, what's he mean "uncomely"? It means you don't always come when you're wanted.
That's very true.
I'm always uncomely.
I won't listen to complaints about my machine from anybody whose idea of streamlined is Nora Batty.
It doesn't even LOOK like an off-the-road bike.
Well, it IS off the road.
It's pathetic.
No, no, it's not pathetic.
It's very nearly pathetic.
You are seeing her at her worst.
Yes, I think we can agree on that.
But you are making no allowance for the final polish.
True.
We're making no allowance for the final polish.
I shalln't turn her out like that.
Oh, I am glad about that! I really am glad about that! She'll have a lovely coat of black paint and he'll be in colourful racing leathers.
Where will I get colourful racing leathers? Don't ask, I shouldn't even ask.
Just leave it to me.
I promised to supercool your image and supercool it I shall.
Hey, Norm, me in colourful racing leathers! On both feet? Oh no, they go over like one piece pyjamas.
My pyjamas don't go all over.
My pyjamas never go anywhere.
Imagine you, eh! You in colourful racing pyjamas! Yeah.
Brmm, brmm! And a helmet with a device on it.
What sort of a device? Your badge, your logo, your racing trademark.
Something special to you.
A winged ferret.
A winged ferret! We'll find you something suitable, Little Racing Person.
Come along then, wheel it out.
It's not easy.
It's top heavy.
Good grief, man.
How are you going to impress Nora Batty if you can't wheel it? He lacks determination, have you noticed? And maybe a couple of buttons in various places.
FANFARE PLAYS There's more bits on this than Nora Batty.
Where the hell do I hold it? Wherever you get hold of Nora Batty for comfort.
I can see where everything fits on Nora Batty.
I've never noticed.
Nor me.
Still he should know.
I do know.
Tha doesn't study a subject for years without learning a thing or two.
Don't wave it about.
It's top heavy.
Walk it up and down, get the feel of it.
I've got the feel of it.
Feels like a gas stove.
What about a cup of tea? I hate it, Norm, I really hate it.
Go on.
Approach the whole thing in a constructive manner.
Never mind the work that's gone in.
Listen, Barry Sheene, off-the-road bikes have no windows.
But Nora Batty doesn't know that.
When she sees you in racing leathers, crouched over the handlebars, her heart is going to give a skip and a flutter.
So's mine.
And mine.
All this enthusiasm.
Look, do you want to build up your macho image or not? On this? I know what I'm doing.
Put it on the stand.
Hey! Wow! That's really macho.
Putting it on the stand.
Wait a minute, where will I borrow flash racing leathers? Him? He looks like a radish the world's first racing radish.
Will he be alright on rough ground? Oh yes, he'll be fine.
There's a natural protection for his sort, you know.
Some primitive, scruffy god takes care of them.
They survive.
They're still there at the end of holocausts and parties.
We must find out from Wally, where and when exactly he's taking Nora for her next ride.
Then you have to appear, as if by accident.
I wish he hadn't said "accident".
You'll be alright, you'll be fine.
You're going to look quite like an astronaut.
The first radish in space.
Oh! The man himself.
Good day to you, Wally Batty.
Alone at the watering hole.
Not any more.
Forgive the intrusion, Wally.
Expecting a lot of rain, is he? Mind tha business.
It's rude to stare.
Please yourself, but you're in t'wrong gear for not being stared at.
Listen, fellers, I wish I could help you.
Help us? Whatever it is you're after.
After? How do you mean "after"? If it was up to me.
But, I'm under starter's orders.
I've got strict instructions not to have more than one drink.
And not get involved with anybody.
Especially not big drinkers.
ALL: Oh, no, no.
Tomfools.
Wise.
It's best to avoid tomfools.
We do.
Aye, there's a lot of them about.
And unaccompanied females.
You got no worries there, because we're certainly not unaccompanied females.
Which is good news for all the unaccompanied males.
You seem a trifle restless, Wally.
Well, I can't stop long.
I've got to take the missus out for a ride.
ALL: Oh, ah-ha! How the hell's she going to recognise me? I might as well wear a bucket on me head.
Oh no, it's perfect.
It looks like the top on a bottle of ketchup.
I'm not wearing it.
Temper.
Not a champion's mark.
Cool in a crisis.
That's what we're looking for.
Calm under pressure.
If you want to impress the woman.
How the hell's she going to know it's me in all this gear? And not some bottle of ketchup.
Watch it! She's won't know it's you.
That's what I mean.
Not in the beginning.
Then what's the point? Leave it to me Little Fighter Pilot Person.
Relax.
Think Tango Red Leader.
Angels One Five.
Bandits 9 o'clock.
We're going to build you up.
First, you're just a figure out of nowhere.
With a roar of sound - Whoosh! Vroom! Vroom! And he's certainly got plenty of v-room! She'll be spellbound.
And shocked.
Yes.
Let's face it.
Slightly shocked.
Heart a-flutter.
Who is this fascinating figure? Who WAS this fascinating figure? Gone.
In a twinkling.
A twinkling.
Oh, you'll enjoy that.
Having a good twinkle.
A rush of wind, a roar of sound, and you'll be gone.
Leaving her wondering.
Heart all a-flutter with female curiosity Who was he? Who was he? Exactly.
It could be anybody.
We won't disclose your identity on the first time, or the second time.
When ARE we going to disclose it? When she's half-demented with curiosity.
Can't sleep.
Wondering - who is he? Who is he? Who is the Phantom? OWW!! Stop squirming.
What do I want a flag for? So that she'll recognise it's the same rider every time.
It's like a battle banner.
It'll look great.
It'll look fabulous streaming in the wind behind you.
Medieval Japanese warriors on horseback wore one.
You know how many medieval Japanese warriors have survived.
What flag is it? It'sermy old scout troop.
Oh, heck! It's the only one I could get.
Number Three Troop.
Aha, good old Number Three Troop.
We were top at Camp Cookery.
I bet tha were.
When it's streaming behind you it'll look marvellous.
Alright - contact.
Start her up.
Give her some revs.
Give her some revs.
Don't shout.
He's doing great for a mounted, medieval Japanese ketchup bottle.
Let her go! Let her go! Don't worry, because this time you'll be pushed until you pick up some speed.
Push him.
Me? Yes, you, push him.
Oh.
Now.
Are you right? BIKE STARTS UP CRASH! Right, now we'll try the wheelies.
Wheelies?! When you rev it up, I'll lift up the front wheel to get it on the back wheel.
Come on, then.
That's it! By Jove, you've got the hang of it! HEY UP, NORA!!! Oh yes he's certainly got the hang of it.
Now you've got the picture? I've got the picture.
There's Nora Batty having a quiet picnic, you see.
Then with a snarl of his mighty engine, she sees the Phantom doing wheelies.
Wheelies in wellies, wow! A few wheelies.
An idiot can do it.
An idiot is doing it.
The effect will be dazzling.
Imagine her feelings when she sees this dramatic appearance.
What about the danger? Danger? The Phantom LIVES for danger.
Is that true? Wellsort of.
That's my boy.
Now go to where I told you.
Prepare yourself mentally.
He means pray.
No, psych yourself up.
"I am the Phantom, "I am the Phantom, I am the" You know, that kind of thing.
When I signal, get on the bike.
Get ready for the next signal which will be one blast on my NCO's whistle.
And then it's go, go, GO ! Bye, bye, bye.
- It makes a change.
- What? I say, it makes a change.
Aye What does? A trip out.
Are you not listening? You bring me out and you're not listening! Course I'm listening I've had enough practice.
Don't take that tone with me.
Me tone's wrong now.
I'm in trouble with me tone.
What tone? You know what tone.
Your argumentative tone.
You're spoiling for a fight, I can always tell.
Rubbish, woman.
You had an argumentative tone on our honeymoon.
Must a been t'last time I used it.
Why bring me out if you can't be pleasant? Listen, I bring you out.
Can't we draw the line at being pleasant? You could try.
What have you done lately to entertain me? Marriage should be a two way process! Have you ever wanted for a clean shirt? Not desperately, no.
Tell me when you've come home and I've not been there! No, you haven't! Despite how hard you've tried on occasion.
Eat up and we'll go home.
Good heavens, they're here already.
Where is he? I am the Phantom.
I am the stupid twit that's going to do the wheelies.
Why? I am the Phantom.
I am the Phantom.
I am the Phantom.
Altogether, please # I am the Phantom of the old garden wall # And when Nora sees me, I bet she's going to # fall # He'd better do something quick.
Fetch me a towel for me hands.
BLAST ON WHISTLE You great, stupid nit.
Look what you've done!