South Park s08e03 Episode Script

South Park 804 576x432 Xvid 140MB The Passion of the Jew Captain Cartman reporting from Shuttlecraft Spontaneity.
Approaching planet Omega Nine.
Warp drive disengaged.
Landing sequence initiated.
What kind of atmosphere are you reading on the planet surface, Jew? I'm a Vulcan! All right, what kind of atmosphere are you reading, Vulcan Jew? The atmosphere is oxygen-based, should support our breathing.
All right, hang on.
We're about to land.
Okay, First Officer Stan and Engineer Kenny, you come with me on the away team.
Vulcan Jew Kyle will wait here.
- No! I'm on the away team too! - It's my Mom's new minivan, so I'm the captain, Kyle! I don't care! You're not making me wait in the van again! Fine, Kyle! But if something goes wrong out there on the planet surface, don't hold me responsible.
Set phasers on stun.
- Things seem pretty quiet.
- Yes.
A little too quiet.
I am picking up carbon-based life forms in Sector C.
I believe we will find a village of peaceful aliens over that ridge.
Okay, fine, I guess we'll look for- Oh no!! Look out!! It's a giant four-headed lava frog!! Shoot it!! Oh no, it got Kyle!! No it doesn't.
Aw, it got Kyle and it's tearing his head off!! Aw you guys, it looks like Kyle is done for.
No I'm not! Goddamnit Cartman, you're not gonna kill me off again! Agh! You see guys, this is why you don't bring Jews along on the away team: they don't play along! Shut up about Jews, fatass! You don't know anything! Oh God, here we go again.
Oh yeah?! I saw Mel Gibson's movie, The Passion, and Mel Gibson says, in the movie, Jews are the Devil! He does not! How do you know?! I've seen The Passion thirty-four times now, Kyle! You haven't seen it once! There's even one part where the Jews have a chance to save Jesus, and you know what they do? They let Barabbas, a serial killer, go free instead and laugh about it.
- Naw uh! - Go see the movie, Kyle!! That does it! I'm sick of you guys arguing about The Passion! I'm out of here.
I'm not arguing about The Passion! He's being an asshole! You know what it is? You're scared.
You're scared of the truth.
You don't want that movie to show you just how bad the Jews are, - and why everyone hates you.
- People don't hate the Jews! Really? Three hundred million domestic box-office, Kyle.
The top-grossing film of all time, Kyle.
Those numbers don't lie.
If you're not scared of The Passion then go see it.
Go see it and tell me I'm wrong.
Mel Gibson, Kyle.
Mel Gibson.
You're a stupid asshole! Sweeet, now I can just play with myself.
Get back in the shuttlecraft! One please.
This is an R-rated movie.
Yeah, I know, but I have to- But, because this is such an important film that actually depicts the selfless act of Jesus Christ, I'll let you in to see it.
Thanks.
How? How could the Jews do that to Jesus? Pretty brutal, isn't it? Kinda wanna make you change your life, huh? "And now, back to Terrance and Phillip" Hey Terrance, I think I have a- Mom! Doorbell! Mom! Answer the door! Goddamnit, lazy-ass whore.
You were right You were right all along I thought you were just an asshole when you ripped on Jews, but I didn't know, I I didn't know.
It's okay, Kyle.
It's okay.
Just say that first part again? You were right? Mmm, one more time, Kyle.
You were right.
I want to thank you for all the blessings you have brought me.
You have shown me the way so many times in the past and now you are making all my dreams come true.
You give me strength when there is doubt, and I praise you for all you have done.
Only you, Mel Gibson, have had the wisdom and the courage to show the world the truth.
From this day forward I will dedicate my life to making sure your film is seen by everyone.
I will organize the masses so that we may do thy bidding.
Hail Mel Gibson.
Amen.
Look at that, dude.
The Passion has made almost 400 milliion dollars at the box office now.
Everyone in the country's gonna see that movie.
I guess we have to ge see it too.
Dude.
That movie sucked.
How can they even call that a movie? That's bullcrap dude, let's go get our money back.
Wow, I didn't realize how horrible Christ's death was.
Me neither.
Oh honey, let's be good Christians from now on! I think if more people saw The Passion they'd have faith in Jesus.
Yeah, it really guilt-trips you into believing.
Hey, we want our money back.
Huh? That movie sucked ass.
Give us back our eighteen dollars.
I can't refund your money.
You sat through the whole movie.
That wasn't a movie, that was a snuff film! You can't charge people to watch a guy get tortured for two hours! That guy happened to be Jesus, and he went through all that to pay for YOUR SINS! We go to church to learn that stuff! We go to movies to be entertained! We weren't entertained, and we want our money back! I'm now allowed to give you your money back after you sat through the whole movie! You'd have to take your complaint up with the film's producers.
W-what? Mel Gibson? You're saying we have to get our money back from Mel Gibson? Yeah.
I'd like to see you try.
Oh, we will! This is America! And in America, if something sucks, you're supposed to be able to get your money back! Come on, Kenny! - Kill him! Guilty! Kill him! - Kill him! Kill him! Die! Kill Jesus! Yesss! Okay, search for Mel Gibson.
Mel Gibson bio, Mel Gibson news, Mel Gibson home page.
Here we go.
Welcome to Mel Gibson's ThePassion.
com, your source for everything Mel.
Pictures, philosophy, upcoming projects.
Damnit, no phone number! Oh wait! "For more information on Mel Gibson, call the Webmaster at 1-800-43.
.
" Okay, okay, wait, here we go.
Mel Gibson's The Passion Fan Club.
Hi, uh, my friend and I just went to see The Passion.
Uh huh, and so you want to join the fan club now.
Our first meeting is at 5:30 p.
m.
Nonono, no, we want our money back What? We think the movie sucked and we want Mel Gibson to give us back our eighteen dollars.
Do you know how we can get in touch with him? You thought it sucked? Sir, apparently, you don't understand what Mel Gibson was trying to do! He was trying to express, through cinema, the horror and filthiness of the common Jew.
It has made people the world over open their eyes.
Look, kid, we just thought it was a bad movie, so tell us how to get in touch with Mel Gibson so we can get our money back! If I knew where Mel Gibson was, I'd be down on the floor licking his balls at this very moment, sir.
All I know is he lives somewhere in Malibu.
Now stop wasting me and Mel Gibson's time, you little wussy prick.
Hey, don't take that tone with me, kid! I'll kick your ass! Ohoh yeah?! I'd like to see you try, asshole! I'm like six feet tall! I don't care! You sound like a little bitch to me! Bitch?! Don't call me bitch! I'll pop your fuckin' head open! Yeah?! You wanna bring it, you little pussy?! I already brought it, bitch! I brought it, set it down on the table and opened it, bitch! Wait a minute.
Cartman?! Come on, Kenny, we're going to Malibu! We'll take the bus! Look, this isn't about the eighteen dollars ticket money anymore.
This is about being able to hold bad filmmakers responsible! This is just like when we got our money back for BASEketball! Eric, sweetie, there's a bunch of people showing up in our backyard saying something about a meeting? Yeah Mom, I'm holding a meeting for all the people who loved The Passion as much as I did.
- Oh, that's great, sweetie.
- Tell them I'll be down shortly Okay, hon.
Töten sie die Juden! Wir können nicht stillstehen bis sie alle tot sind! Okay, I'm ready.
I'm ready to do thy bidding, Mel Gibson.
Hello, are you folks holding this Passion meeting? No.
Actually, we're guests as well.
I'm Jack Garrett and this is my wife Elise.
Hello.
I think it's so great that someone took the initiative to have a meeting like this.
Oh I agree.
There are so many of us who are moved by The Passion.
It's a perfect idea to have us organize so we can strengthen the Christian community.
And apparently the organizer is just an eight year old boy who was touched by the film.
Leave it to a child to show us all the way, huh? Yeah, so I see this ad on the Internet saying if you love The Passion to come to this meeting, so here I am! It's great that everyone came here to figure out how to use The Passion to enrich everyone's lives.
Ah hello everyone.
Achtung.
My name is Eric Cartman and I'm the President of the Mel Gibson Fan Club.
Ah thank you, thank you.
I'm happy to see that all of you.
were affected by The Passion like I was.
Now, we all know why we're here, and I believe we all what needs to be done.
We sure do.
But, I think it's best we don't talk out loud about it until we have most of them on the trains heading to the camps.
- Wha, what does that mean, sweetie? - I'm not sure, but-uh.
Folks, I just wanna interrupt for a second and say how remarkable it is that this little boy brought us all together.
The Passion is causing a revolution of spirituality, and we owe Mel Gibson and this little boy our thanks.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Now, in order to do what we all know needs to be done, we are first going to need more support.
I think we should all go out and take at least one other person to see The Passion.
Oh, what a great idea! We each make it our responsibility to convert one more person! Heheh great! Yeah! Great idea.
Yes, and then we can begin the cleansing, if you know what I mean.
- We sure do! - Yeah.
All right.
Woohoo! Thank you.
This must be the place.
Goddamn, Mel Gibson must be loaded.
Yes? Oh, hi, uh, my name is Stan, and this is Kenny Uh, we saw your movie, The Passion, and we didn't like it, so, can we have our money back, please? You can't not like The Passion! I just followed the Bible! Christ died for you.
Go home.
Look, dude, we came a long way.
We're not leaving until you give us our money.
Oh yeah? Well you're gonna have to find it first.
But I won't tell you where I keep my money.
You can torture me all you want, I still won't tell you! Tor-torture you? Ha! So you DO intend to torture me, huh?! Well go ahead! Do your worst! You STILL won't get your ticket money back! I can take whatever you can dish out! We don't want to torture you.
I get it, but you don't have a choice, is that it?! Well go ahead! I just sure hope you don't use those whips over there on the wall! Dude, can we please just have the eighteen dollars back from you? I have to use that money to build my church! I brought the fire and brimstone back to Christianity with The Passion and now I'm gonna start my own church! And do you know why?! So I can play banjo! Jesus, oh how I love ya, how I love ya Jesus! Dude, this guy is freakin' daffy! How dare you call me crazy! This means war! And so it was that God sent his only son down from heaven, to die for our sins.
Oh okay, but did God sent Jesus TO die, or did Jesus just get kind of screwed over.
What is troubling you, my child? Well, I have this friend, see? And this friend belongs to a certain, Chosen People of Israel.
And it so happens that these chosen people killed your Lord.
Ah! You mean he's a Jew! Right.
But he can't live with the guilt anymore.
Because, even if Jesus wasn't really the Son of God, he was still a nice guy.
And he didn't deserve what happened to him in Mel Gibson's movie.
I I can't sleep at night.
I mean, my friend can't sleep at night.
Yes, The Passion is very powerful.
The truth is, there's not a whole lot in the Bible about the Crucifixion.
The Passion was actually done as a performance piece back in the Middle Ages to incite people against the Jews.
But how can the Jews make it better?? Well, if you really care about your friend's soul, then perhaps show him the way of Jesus.
Remember: Christianity is about atonement.
Wait.
That's it.
Atonement.
Of course.
I know what I have to do now.
Thank you, Father.
Two days ago, I saw a vehicle that would haul that tanker You wanna get outta here? Talk to me.
Mel Gibson is fucking crazy dude! Wait! There's his wallet! Freedom!!! Awww crap, he's only got twenties! You got two dollars, Kenny?? Jesus is Lord!!! All right, let's get the hell out of here! When you're a clown, nobody takes you seriously! Run, dude, run! And good evening, friends! One month ago today, this amazing film opened in theaters.
And now, we proud few gathere here as a people brought together by its message! Fellow fans of Mel Gibson, our numbers have grown and now, together, we have the power to change the world! Now I believe we should take to the streets and march in unwavering support of this important movie! - What a great idea! - It'll be like a parade! Good idea! And as we march for The Pasion we should also voice our support! So, when I say "Es ist Zeit für Säuberung," you all chant back "Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten.
" Well, what does that mean, dear? Oh, I think it's Aramaic.
You know, like in the movie.
Ooo, Aramaic.
Cool.
What was our Aramaic line again? Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!! Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten.
Es ist Zeit für Rache! Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten.
Oh huh, this is fun! All right, everyone! Forward, march! Es ist Zeit für Rache! Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten.
- Es ist Zeit für Rache! - Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten.
Nice.
Shalom hak nak shalom.
And now one of our fine young shlokas, Kyle Broflovski, has asked if he could speak to the congragation.
Thank you, rabbi.
In 1973, the United States officially issued an apology to the African American community for slavery.
In 1956, Germany officially apologized for World War II AND the Holocaust.
And now, I believe, in 2004, the Jewish community needs to apologize for the death of Jesus.
What? Whatwhatwhaaat?! If we as a people choose not to believe that Jesus is the Son of God, then we can still apologize for the brutal way in which he was killed, and take our share of the responsibility for it.
Oh my God! Kyle, what on earth has gotten into you?! - I saw The Passion.
- Oh no! The Passion?! This proves the anti-Semitic effect that movie is having! - Yeah, it makes Jews into stereotypes.
- Stereotyping Jews is terrible.
Something must be done to stop that movie! Now, now, everyone calm down.
We live in a rational community, and everyone knows this is just a movie.
There's no cause for alarm.
- Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten! - Es ist Zeit für Rache! - Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten! - Es ist Zeit für Rache! - Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten! - Es ist Zeit für Rache! Well it looks like with these bus tickets we spend about eighty seven dollars getting our money back from Mel Gibson.
But I think it's the principle of the thing that matters.
Oh, you've got to be shittin' me.
Give me back my money! Goddamn, that guy's crazy.
Hey dude, you've gotta speed up.
Huh? Mel Gibson is chasing after us.
You've gotta go faster.
Haha, very funny, kid.
Sit down and stop playing games.
I'm not playing games.
Mel Gibson is right behind you and he's gonna- What the hell? - Hey! That's Mel Gibson! - Yeah.
I told you that! Well, what the hell does he want?! He wouldn't give us our money back for The Passion, so we kinda took it.
You didn't like The Passion? But it shows how Christ suffered for you.
Mel Gibson is a very spiritual man.
You guys, stop! Please.
You're gonna make people hate us more.
Can I help you? This movie is causing anti-Semitism! You must remove it from your theater! That's right! Yeah! Remove your movie! Remove it from the theater? Fat chance! - We demand you stop showing it! - Yeah! Yeah! Nonono! Don't become an angry mob! The last time we did that we killed Jesus! Juden! - What's going on here? - They're trying to have The Passion pulled from the theater.
This film is anti-Semitic and it must be stopped! Nonsense! Mel Gibson is a smart and spiritual man! There's nothing anti-Semitic about it! It has reaffirmed all of our faith in Christ.
It's made one of our little Jewish boys want to apologize for the death of Jesus! Well, maybe you should apologize.
- That's right! What he said.
- How dare you?! Look out!! Give me my eighteen dollars! Mel! Gibson! Oh mein Savior! Mein Führer! You're actually here! Mr.
Gibson, I have assembled the masses! We are ready to do thy bidding! Have I been a good boy, Mr.
Gibson?! So! You boys have led me here to your secret base, huh? I guess now you're gonna start torturing me! Well! Oh, my nipples are so tender! Ddon't squeeze them anymore! That's Mel Gibson? H-he's not quite as eloquent as I had pictured.
Well.
I guess you wanna torture me now, don't you?! Dude, what's wrong with him? He's kookoo, dude.
He's absolutely out of his mind.
You! You would all love to torture me, wouldn't you? Okay, fine.
See what you can fit in there, I can take it! Dude! I've been freaked out this whole time because of THAT guy's movie? Fine! If nobody here is man enough to torture me, then just give me my eighteen dollars! It's our eighteen dollars! Your movie sucked! You can't say my movie sucked, or else you're saying Christianity sucked! No, dude, if you wanna be Christian, that's cool, but, you should follow what Jesus taught instead of how he got killed.
Focusing on how he got killed is what people did in the Dark Ages and it ends up with really bad results.
You know, he's right, Elise.
We shouldn't focus our faith on the torture and execution of Christ.
Yeah.
Lots of people got crucified in those times.
We shouldn't rely on violence to inspire faith.
Aw, aw, no, come on, people, we're so close to completing my final solution! Oh, dude, I feel so much better about being Jewish now that I see that Mel Gibson is just a big wacko douche.