Home Improvement s08e04 Episode Script

It's the closing minutes of the World Cup.
Brad Taylor steals the ball and dribbles to the right, cuts back to the left, shoots! It's a goal! Goal, goal, goal! (WHOOPS) Goal! Oh, yeah! So you're studying hard today, huh? Yeah.
I'm practicing for the SAT test.
Is this the part where they ask you to make rain? No, I was just taking the math test.
Gosh, it was so hard I'm scared to find out my score.
Well, let's add it up.
How do we do this? Well, I already did the adding and the subtracting.
You have to take this number here and divide it by four.
Well, don't worry.
Math is just simple logic.
Let's see, two, two Well, Dad, when you divide, shouldn't the number get smaller? I've been dividing since I was a kid.
That is your score.
Forty-two hundred, baby! Dad, the highest possible score is 800.
You know what? I bet you added a zero to the 420.
Don't be silly.
You add a zero to 420, you still get 420.
Yeah, you're right.
Hi, guys.
Hi.
So what do you think? New hair? No! New pants? No! New couch! New couch! BOTH: What new couch? I cannot believe that you didn't notice it.
It's been here since early this morning.
I spent six weeks picking this thing out.
I love it.
Love it.
I'm gonna lie down here and never get up.
Ever.
Never.
Well, Mom, I got a What? Oh, my God! You're never gonna get into UCLA with scores like that, no matter how well you play soccer.
I know, but I hate math.
I'd rather hit myself in the head with a hammer.
Don't be too sure.
It really hurts.
Does everybody know what time it is? ALL: Tool Time! That's right! Tim, Tim, he's our man! If he can't fix it, Big Al can! (CROWD CHEERING) Heidi.
Thank you, Heidi.
Thank you.
(HEIDI IMITATING TRAIN) Thank you, Heidi.
Thank you, everyone.
Welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim "The School Man" Taylor.
And, of course, you all know my assistant Al "Husky" Borland.
AL: Thank you.
Welcome to our Tool Time salute BOTH: Food fight! to college.
To college.
In today's competitive college environment, a young man needs an edge.
That's why we've taken that dorm room and given it the old Tool Time twist.
Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to the man's dorm room! The man's dorm room! Now, at first blush, this may look like an ordinary college dorm room, but let's scratch that surface a little bit and go deep.
The operative word in this dorm room is "efficiency.
" Most college students don't have time to do laundry, so it piles up, cluttering the workspace.
Hey, roomie, what are we gonna do with all this laundry? Not to worry.
We've modified this little trash compactor.
Aha! Perfect.
(MOTOR WHIRRING) (BELL RINGS) (CROWD APPLAUDING) Hard to believe there's underwear in there, huh? Suppose your kid has a Chemistry final tomorrow.
He's got to do well, but the professor's got this silly bias against students that, I don't know, blow up the chemistry lab.
Allegedly.
To help students stay up late studying, our dorm room has that added thing to give them that jolt of energy! An oxygen bar.
Yes, it comes with domestic Mmm, Seattle.
and imported.
(COUGHS) Mexico City.
Well, moving on.
Well, after a late night, most students have a hard time getting up on time.
So we've created a fail-safe wake-up system with three stages of alarm.
Well, for the light sleeper (ALARM RINGING) I'm up.
For the moderate sleeper (HORN BLARING) What was that? Just five more.
For the stubborn sleeper (SCREAMING) Get up! (CROWD APPLAUDING) I've added one more little thing.
What? Let's say you're having the captain of the cheerleaders over for a little late-night studying, and you don't want Flannel Boy listening in.
AL: What? (ALL APPLAUDING) Aren't you supposed to be studying? Yeah, Mom wants me to be studying, but I'm all out of brain space.
All right.
Well, take a little break.
Let's play a little out here.
No, that's cool, Dad.
Come on.
Just do it.
(IMITATING SCHWARZENEGGER) Do it now.
Come on.
Work it.
Work it.
Work it.
Don't turn your back on me, girlie man.
Shoot.
Go easy on your dad, Brad.
(BRAD CHUCKLES) Hey, do I smell pork by-products over there? Yes, indeedy.
These are bangers fresh from England.
Hey, Tim and Brad Taylor, I'd like you to meet a former student of mine from Oxford, Simon Downing-Chubb.
Hello, Taylors.
How's it going? Simon Downing-Chubb.
So what do you do? I own a software company.
Actually, he owns one of the largest software companies in England.
He's also a very active philanthropist.
Well, I'm involved in a foundation that fights poverty and promotes world peace.
Enough chit-chat.
What do you drive? I've got a Bentley, two Jaguars and I'm restoring an Austin-Healy.
Wow, I've got an Austin-Healy myself! I thought that was Jill's Austin-Healy.
Technically, in the sense that she owns it and I'm not allowed to drive it.
Plus, neither one of them can keep it running.
(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Well, it is British.
Well, you colonists dumped our tea, so we get back at you with our cars.
JILL: Brad! Study break's over! Nice to meet you, Mr.
Downing-Chubb.
So Brad's a soccer player? One of the best high-school players in Detroit.
Thanks, Wilson.
I'm soccer-mad myself.
I even bought my own team.
The Birmingham Chubbs.
Are you a soccer fan, Taylor? Yeah, you know, it's okay.
I love the rioting.
Well, you know, if Brad has a game in the next couple of days, why don't you take Simon? He plays tomorrow afternoon.
Love to take you if you want to go see it.
And after that, maybe you want to take a look at the Healy with me and tell me why the wipers go on every time I honk the horn.
Sounds like a problem with the radio.
Do all Americans drive like that? Yeah.
We drive on the right side of the road here, Simon.
No, I meant 60 miles an hour on the shoulder.
No, you see, my dad calls that the passing lane.
All right, listen, guys, I gotta kick around a few math problems.
Great game, Brad.
You were top-drawer.
That means "good job" if you live in the mother country.
Want to go out to the garage and check out the Austin-Healy? Lead on.
Voila.
Oh, it's a lovely car, Taylor.
Thanks.
Just finishing having it rebuilt, bottom up.
But there's something really funky in the wiring.
All right, let's have a quick peek under your bonnet.
Simon, we just met.
In England, they call the hood the bonnet.
I know that.
It's just you Brits have a way of sucking all the manliness out of a car.
I think it was the Americans who came up with the car bra.
When you got a nice set of headlights, you want to support them with something, don't you? You know, I have to tell you, Brad really is quite a soccer player.
He's talented enough to play professionally in England.
You think he's that good? Yeah.
I can't say the same for your wiring.
What do you want to do? I'll need a wire stripper and a cold beverage posthaste.
Here's your wire stripper.
I'll get you your cold beverage post-toasty.
Hey, hitting those books, huh? Yeah.
I already hit them.
Now I gotta open them.
Guess what? Guess what the Chubbster said.
He says you're good enough to play soccer professionally in England.
No way! Yeah.
Wow! That's so cool.
(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Awfully talented, frightfully good, absolutely marvelous.
Shaken, not stirred.
James Bond.
Bond, James Bond.
Dad.
Dad.
No, Goldfinger.
Dad! Dad! No, Goldfinger.
Dad! Pussy.
Pussy Galore.
I'm trying to study here.
Right! Right! Study! The boy must study! I'll tell Moneypenny immediately.
Honey, you're in for a treat.
Your first banger's almost off the grill.
I can't wait.
What's in a banger anyway? A veritable zoo-full of English animal innards, with just the right amount of spices.
Yeah, I think I'll pass.
I've had enough monkey in my diet lately.
Hi, Mom.
Hey.
How are you doing? Wait, what are you doing? Aren't you supposed to be studying? No, I don't have to study anymore.
Right.
And what about the SAT tests? No, I don't have to take them.
I'm not gonna go to college.
What? Yeah.
I'm gonna play professional soccer in England.
You're looking at the newest Birmingham Chubb.
What are you talking about? What the hell is a Birmingham Chubb? Simon's team.
Who the hell is Simon? The owner of the Chubbs.
We're not getting anywhere.
Simon's one of Wilson's friends.
Dad invited him to the game the other day and he came and told me I was good enough to play professional, and I said, "Yeah.
I'm up for it.
" You're up for it? What makes you think that your father and I would even consider allowing you to do this? Well, Dad was the one that told me about it.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Your father knows about this? He's in favor of this? Well, yeah.
He seemed excited when Simon told him how good I was.
They talked about the whole thing while they were working on the car.
So while changing a windshield wiper, your father single-handedly decided to change your entire future? All right, who's ready to suck down a banger? You can get a salad, too, if you want.
Tim, when I went to work this morning, I had a son who was headed for college.
Now I've got a Chubb.
Dad, I talked to Simon.
I'm gonna be playing professional soccer.
What? Don't act so surprised.
You're the one that told him to do it.
I have no idea what you guys are talking about.
You invited Simon to go watch him play, right? You told Brad that he was good enough to play pro.
Have you lost weight? How could you tell Brad that it's okay for him to play soccer in Europe? I didn't say that.
I just passed on Simon's compliment, that's all.
But you know how much trouble he's having with his schoolwork.
I mean, telling him that was like dangling a big, fat carrot in front of a starving horse! Well, I didn't know the starving horse would eat the big, fat carrot! Well, you should have! Excuse me, guys.
The horse would like to speak.
Look, guys, this is a big opportunity for me and I don't want to pass it up.
Brad, you said that you wanted to play soccer in college.
What about UCLA? No, you guys wanted me to go to UCLA.
This is a chance for me to get on the soccer field without killing myself studying.
Well, what if going pro doesn't work out, Brad? Yeah.
Dad, you know it's gonna work out, you've seen me play.
Brad, you're gonna ruin your chances to get a scholarship.
Mom, if I go pro, I don't need a scholarship.
(SIGHS) I don't believe this.
You actually expect us to just say, "Oh, yeah.
Great.
Okay, pack up, go to England"? Well, you guys let Randy go to Costa Rica.
No.
No, no, no.
That's not the same thing.
He's down there for school.
He's still in an educational program.
Well, Simon says it's gonna be a great experience for me playing soccer and living on my own.
What do you plan to do for money? Yeah.
Simon says he'll pay me £10,000 a year.
Simon says that's plenty to live on.
That's simple for Simon to say.
If Simon says jump off the London Bridge, are you gonna do that? Simon wouldn't say that.
I say you are going to college.
And I say you're going to college, too.
Okay, Dad, so you're saying if you could've gone straight from high school to Tool Time, are you saying you would have gone to college? Well, of course he would have gone to college.
Tell him, Tim.
You They The No, there's If that Those They never No one called.
Tim! There's No, no, no.
That's all I wanted to hear.
No, no.
I just stuttered then.
I didn't say anything.
What was that about? Well, that question caught me off guard.
Well, you're on guard now.
Go tell him to go to college.
Jill, look, if I had the chance to skip English Lit and go straight to Tool Time, I probably would have done it.
That's fine for you, but that's not the message I want our son to hear.
He asked me a question, I gave him an honest answer.
What was I supposed to do? You do what most good parents would do, lie.
Good arm, Wilson.
Well, thank you, neighbor.
Simon inspired me to dust off my cricket gear.
(SIGHS) Unfortunately, I'm having trouble controlling my googly.
Maybe you should switch to briefs.
No, Tim.
See, the googly is the cricket equivalent of a curve ball.
Well, Simon certainly threw a curve ball over here the other day.
Did you know that he offered Brad a contract to play for his soccer team in England? Well, Simon said that Brad was a great player, but Simon never said anything about signing him up.
I am sick of what Simon says! So I take it you and Jill don't want Brad playing in England? Jill doesn't.
I'm not sure.
Brad doesn't care, he just wants to go.
Oh, well, I understand their positions, but why are you on the fence? Well, you know, Brad asked me if I could have skipped college and gone right to Tool Time, would I have done that? And I couldn't say that I wouldn't have done that.
Ah.
And you're afraid if you told Brad to do something that you wouldn't do, you would be a hypocrite.
Exactly.
Tim, to be offered your dream job at such an early age, that would be so flattering.
I think anybody would be tempted.
So do I.
You know, for example, when I was young, I had to choose between going to Oxford or becoming a professional mime.
That certainly would have impacted our relationship, wouldn't it? You know, Tim, if you had been offered Tool Time when you were 18 years of age, do you think you would have missed anything by not going to college? Of course I would've missed college.
That's where I met a lot of my friends, and, you know, there's all sorts of great stuff in college.
You know, panty raids, keggers.
(LAUGHING) And Chemistry class.
They let me work with real stuff.
That's when you blew up the lab.
Allegedly.
College was more about expanding my horizons.
I learned a lot of stuff.
So there you go.
You know, it seems to me you can have this talk about college with Brad without being a hypocrite.
What made you decide not to be a mime? I talked myself out of it.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY) Brad! Brad! Brad! Brad! What? Turn that thing off! I want to talk to you! Well, if you're gonna yell at me about England, you can forget about it, all right? I'm making my own decisions.
(YELLING) I'm not here to yell at you.
I want to have a calm discussion about pro soccer versus going to college.
Dad, I just feel that the experience I'd get playing professional soccer would make up for anything I'd be missing in college.
So you do admit you might miss something if you don't go to college? Nothing important.
Dad, and you even implied earlier that if you could have skipped college, you would have.
When I thought about it, I was wrong about that.
Dad, this is such a big opportunity for me.
I mean, I'll be living on my own, making money, and doing the one thing I'm good at.
What do you mean the one thing you're good at? You're good at a lot more things than just soccer.
Dad, I'm a lot better on the soccer field than I am in the classroom.
You worked real hard this year and you got your grades up, didn't you? Yeah, in high school.
If I go to a school like UCLA, Dad, they'll humiliate me.
Where did you get an idea like that? Grant Scott's brother sent me a book from UCLA.
I couldn't even understand the cover.
Well, you just gotta Jeez! It's like a foreign language.
That's my Spanish book.
Dad, I'm talking, like, a calculus book.
Well, you know, you're not supposed to understand this.
That's why you go to college, so you will understand it.
Dad, I'm not gonna cut it at UCLA or any other college! Okay? It's gonna be way too hard! I'm gonna flunk out! Wait a minute.
Is that what this is all about? You're gonna run off to England because you're scared? No, I'm not scared.
You just said you were worried about flunking out.
You're gonna go across the sea, go over someplace else.
You know, I don't want you becoming a mime! What? I don't want you to miss the opportunity for an education because you're afraid of messing up.
Well, don't you ever worry about messing up? Have you ever seen Tool Time? Yeah, I guess you're right.
Look.
Look, son, you get stronger in life by facing your fears.
You were real worried about going to high school and you worked hard and you got your grades up.
College is just a step like that.
And you can do this, Brad.
You can do this.
All right, I'll think about it.
And think about this, half of the starters on the World Cup soccer team came from UCLA.
Dad, they finished last.
That's why they need you.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
You get into UCLA, I will build you a dorm room of your dreams, man.
Just like on Tool Time.
What feature would you really like? Heidi? It's not a beauty pageant.
This is a fitness competition.
Hi, guys.
We were just watching the Discovery Channel.
Yeah, right.
Brad, Brad, your SAT scores came.
I think I'll open them a little later.
No.
No.
No, we can't stand the suspense.
Here, Dad.
You can open them.
I'll open them.
Hold on.
Don't open it yet.
Don't open it yet.
All right, go ahead.
Okay, I'll go ahead.
Wait, wait.
Not, not yet.
Not yet.
Brad, honey, relax.
Okay, go ahead.
(WHISTLES) Eight-hundred-and-twenty-six million, fifty-thousand and thirty-three.
Dad, that's my Social Security number.
Hey, Brad, look.
You got a 550 in math, Congratulations.
Congratulations.
Cool.
I'm gonna go call Samantha and tell her the good news.
Okay.
All right.
Cool.
Cool.
Do you realize how close we came to having another son in a foreign country? What's with these kids anyway? Other people want to come to America, these kids just want to get out.
Do you think it's my cooking? You combine that with this couch, and Does everybody know what time it is? ALL: Tool Time! (LAUGHING) MAN: That's right! (CROWD BOOING) Simon says he's gonna pay me £10,000 a year and Simon says that's plenty to live on.
Is there a cigar in this thing? I know! I know!