Roseanne s08e04 Episode Script

( harmonica wails ) Man, our hospital wants us to fill out A lot more of these forms than when D.
J.
was born.
I know.
We're just having a baby.
It's not like we're buying a car.
You know, we should do this later, honey.
No, there is no later, Dan.
Due in a week-- I can't believe how fast this pregnancy went by.
You're kidding, right? No, i'm not kidding.
Do you realize that this could be our last weekend of freedom - before the baby gets here? - ( door opens ) God, we gotta go out and do something.
Here it is, it's Saturday night.
We gotta go do something tonight.
Hello, losers.
I know what you're thinking-- "can she possibly own boardwalk and park place Three weeks in a row?" oh yes, she can.
Oh yes, she will.
Well, if there's a lonely, Pathetic, yet bizarrely chipper woman Standing in our kitchen with a monopoly game, It must be Saturday night.
Maybe that's how life looks when you're stuck on baltic avenue.
But up on the green properties, Life is sweet.
I thought you were giving Fred the baby on the weekends So you could have a social life.
You guys are my social life.
I can't go out tonight.
I'm feeling all crampy.
Tough-- we're going out tonight.
This is our last hurrah.
We're gonna go out to a fancy dinner And then we'll sleep over in a fancy hotel-- One where the ice machine's indoors.
Honey, we'll have plenty of time to do things once the baby comes.
No, we're doing it.
And you're wearing you good suit too.
It's in the dryer.
Jackie You heard? I laid out your money and everything.
Well, this might be our last chance.
You understand that now, don't you? I'll give you each an extra 500 bucks.
That's a damn good deal, honey.
No Dan, we are going out.
You know, we got at least a year of baby jail ahead of us And that kind of time really changes a person-- look at her.
I rest my case.
D.
J.
( sing-song ) Deej, my favorite nephew, What do you say? So it's just you can me tonight, huh? Monopoly.
( snickers ) monopoly? Aunt Jackie, sorry.
It's Saturday night.
- i'm going to the movies.
- great, we'll catch a movie.
I'm going with my friends.
All right, you can drive me to the movies, But you have to wait in the car until it's over.
Then you can drive me to the ice-cream place, But you have to wait in the car there.
Then you can bring me home.
All right.
Sorry, Roseanne, I can't play monopoly-- I got plans.
( theme music playing ) ( Roseanne laughs ) Darlene: come on, Becky, let's get out of here-- I'm starting to smell like this place.
I gotta at least make it look like I cleaned up.
Just write a note that says "I cleaned up" And put it on that pile of crap.
Hey, check it out.
There's a bottle of peppermint schnapps with a card for mom.
"dear Leon, congratulations On five years of sobriety.
" That is the meanest thing i've ever seen.
Man, she's good.
- you ever had this stuff? - peppermint schnapps? I don't think so.
Hmm, what are the odds? It's open.
Darlene Oh, relax.
We're saving a man's life here.
Besides, you got anything better to do? Well-- Before you answer, remember-- it's Lanford and it's 8:30.
We're the only ones up.
Not bad-- kind of like a candy cane.
Yep, every burp is christmas morning.
Roseanne.
Good news-- pulled some strings with the maitre d'.
We only have another hour wait for a table.
( sighs ) oh well, that's all right, Dan.
There's plenty to do in this hotel.
Hey, look at here-- "welcome to josh meyer's bar mitzvah.
" Wow, Jewish people in their natural habitat.
I'm starving.
What do you say we grab a bite at the coffee shop And go back up to that room I paid $95 for? That's four times more than I paid for this robert hall.
Hi, hey hey hey.
Who are those for? They're for the meyer bar mitzvah.
Oh well, that's us.
Dinner is starting in five or 10 minutes.
No way, Roseanne.
Come on, Dan, grab a yarmulke.
We're going in there.
Today you are a meyer.
Wait a minute, honey.
It looks a little dressy.
Aha.
Don't look conspicuous, just follow my lead.
Shalom.
Shalom.
Shalom.
Shalom.
Shalom.
Shalom.
You don't have to bow.
What are we supposed to do now? We'll just mingle, okay? And if we see a drunk kid walking around with checks hanging out of his pockets, We go up and we say, "mazel tov.
" Hi, i'm rabbi farkas.
- how do you know young josh? - uh I'm a friend of a friend of a friend of his mother.
Oh well, what temple do you belong to? Temple Beth midler.
Really? I've-- i've never heard of that.
Are you reform? No, but we're trying to cut down.
You know, i'm gonna wear this thing With a little southside slide to it.
Hi there, i've been watching you since you came in.
You're so brave.
I mean, look at you-- Your hair is stringy, your ankles are swollen, You are all bloated up.
But you are out there in public anyway.
You're an inspiration, you know that? An inspiration.
Thank you.
( whispers ) thank you.
Well, we're gonna take a little break now.
We come back, the meyer family has requested something From "fiddler on the roof.
" So if you have any requests, Please don't hesitate.
What about something from "jesus christ superstar"? ( laughs ) Well, there's one in every crowd.
Why don't you come up here, young lady, huh? Let's give her a hand.
Why don't you give the first toast this evening, hmm? Uh, okay.
Uh well, um ahem.
Welcome to the uh Josh meyer bar mitzvah.
And of course you know josh meyer right here And that's my husband marvin here.
He signs everything I say for the deaf.
Man: dinner is served.
Man, look at them grab up the food.
Oh, man, these are our people, Dan.
They do make a fellow feel at home.
Excuse me, pardon me.
My wife is having a baby.
Excuse me.
- honey.
- thank you.
- what do we got here? - we've got lox and kugel, Kreplach, knishes and kasha varnishkes with gravy.
Man, I thought they only liked chinese food.
Let me have some of that varnish with gravy there.
Yeah, that's delicious.
Good thing I don't know what it is or I probably couldn't eat it.
Just like at home.
You know, they're way better in the old testament.
Is it okay if we sit here? Only if you got cigarettes.
Well, don't you think it's a little unhealthy to be smoking at your age? Aw, shut up! I've been to 306 of these things! - okay, mother, let's stop.
- out of here! Let's stop, i'll get you a beautiful cigar In the gift shop.
Come on.
( screaming ) Hey, what do you two think you're doing? Oh god, don't panic, just eat fast.
You're gonna go the whole night Without saying hello to your uncle sol? - you're shlomo, right? - no, i'm not, I just had a couple of drinks up in the room.
He doesn't recognize us.
I can't believe you don't recognize us-- First no shower gift and now this? You think I don't recognize you? You think I would have sent this through the mail? I wanna deliver it in person.
I wanna give $100 to the baby for college.
I'm having twins.
She's kidding, uncle sol.
You're such a kidder.
She's been a kidder since she was a baby.
Say, isn't that, um Marilyn and marty? Yeah.
What, do they think they're gonna go the whole night Without saying hello to their uncle sol? Say you two-- you think you're gonna go the whole night Without saying hello to uncle sol? What is the matter with you? ( speaks yiddish ) He was always my favorite uncle.
I'm hot.
I'm always hot at these things.
Forget about hot.
I can hardly hear a thing over that band.
My fork is too short.
Did you get a short fork? You know, the kugel was awful.
I spit it in a napkin And put it on larry's plate.
You know, i'm really hot myself.
Get a load of her highness.
Total lift, she had her eyes done, And it's not her real nose.
Man, these people are completely rude For no reason.
I love it here.
- hey, these are free, right? - as many as you want.
- I love it here too.
- see? I gotta admit it, honey-- I am having a good time.
And look over there-- it's game for the kids, It's skee-ball.
Make that the best time of my life.
So what do you like better, Becky, Schnapps and coffee, schnapps on the cake Or schnapps over ice cream? Okay.
( snickers ) man, you are schnapp-faced.
What the hell are you doing back there? Just a little meat sculpture.
Guess who this is.
( mimics Roseanne ) "Darlene, Becky, My back's itching right in the center!" Oh my god, it's mom.
It's mom tartare.
How long do you think it would take To cook mom's head? Two and a half hours at 350°.
I've thought about it a lot.
Whoa! Check out that guy.
Nice! Ow, baby! Yeah-ah! Jeez, Becky, put it back in your pants.
Aw, he even didn't look over.
What-- what's that about, anyway, Becky? I mean, he was okay-looking, but you've got Mark at home - and Mark is-- - Mark is what? Your husband, right? That's where I was going with that.
Say it, say it, say it.
He's gorgeous, okay? There, I said it.
Mark is a gorgeous man.
Now hand me a knife.
I must gut myself like a fish.
He is gorgeous, isn't he? But, you know, it's kind of a trade off.
I mean, he's not exactly the greatest conversationalist.
Maybe that's your fault.
I mean, When he speaks, you should try rewarding him With little treats.
Well, he's not that bad.
You always make him sound like he's the dumbest guy on the planet.
( snickers ) well, name someone dumber.
Oh yeah, like I know everyone on the planet.
Well, if you know he's not the brightest guy in the world, What's gonna happen with you guys - in like 10 years? - what do you mean? Well, mark's not gonna be gorgeous forever.
Summer turns into fall, young elvis turns into bloated elvis Well, he's more than just looks, Darlene.
He's sweet and gentle, Doesn't run around, He's perfectly happy spending quiet evenings At home with me and ( sobs ) just because we have nothing in particular To talk about ever Doesn't mean we don't have a wonderful marriage.
( register clanks ) Here-- there's no kleenex.
Thanks.
Well, if you feel this bad about it, Becky, You should do something.
I don't know.
Mark is Mark And what can I do? Renovate him.
I mean, that's what she did with dad.
He used to have no goals and a menial job And-- well, now, He can bowl 200.
I don't know if I can.
I mean, mom is so much stronger than me.
Just look at her.
Come on, Becky, you're as strong as she is.
Wow, this is weird.
You're like helping me, Advising me to stay with Mark.
God, we never do this, We never talk to each other like people.
Yeah.
Well, that's mom's fault.
We'd be friends by now if she'd let us start drinking When we were kids.
- so josh, do you like the girls yet? - not really.
We'll, you're a man today.
You better get off the pot.
I better get back.
Nice meeting you.
Hey wait, josh.
Before you go, Since it's your, uh, Special day, here-- go ahead, pick a present.
- I guess i'll take the pen.
- oh, good choice.
That's from the hotel here.
Yes! Iceman for the charity stripe! How about high-fives, guys? ( kids cheering ) They love me.
Kids love anything they can climb on, Dan.
My neck's sore, Dan.
Will you rub my neck? That would mean putting down either my food or my drink.
Well then, never mind.
I couldn't help overhearing, I'm a chiropractor.
Come by my office tomorrow, - i'll fix you up.
- you don't want a chiropractor.
Trust me, i'm an orthopedic surgeon.
If it's really bothering you, call my office.
If that's the result of an accident, call me.
I'm a lawyer.
I will fight for you.
Sylvia and murray.
- ( chuckles ) - that's us.
No, that's them.
They don't know you and the rest of the people don't know you either.
Oh, I know what this is all about.
Because I married a gentile, isn't it? You snuck in here, didn't you? Yeah, sorry, uncle sol.
My brother-in-law is paying for this.
- we're going.
- no, you're staying.
I hate my brother-in-law.
Sit, eat, drink, take home a centerpiece.
Hey, all right.
Bar mitzvahs rock! You call this a bar mitzvah? He spent $20 a head.
On my son's bar mitzvah, I don't wanna tell you what I spent-- I spent $30 a head.
Who loves their son more? So when is the baby due? Any minute now.
I became a grandfather about six weeks ago.
The baby is colicky-- Baby won't sleep through the night And half the time the baby won't even eat.
Wow, man, that's the worst.
Yeah, my daughter and her husband are going out of their minds.
- oh, god, I bet they are.
- ( thumps ) You know, I need another drink.
You know something? In 20 years they'll forget they didn't sleep.
The only thing they'll remember is Just this-- this will be the only thing that they'll remember.
- oh, look at those eyes - uh-huh.
And that little mouth.
Yeah, the nose will come later.
Oh, hey, before you put your wallet away, - here.
- no no no, That's for the baby.
When uncle sol gives a gift, It stays given.
Well, I always wanted a rich uncle.
Well, i'm comfortable.
Yeah? Are you married? I'm a widower-- actually twice.
I think i'm a jinx.
Man, i'd love for you to meet my mom.
Say, i've got another nephew who's gonna have a bar mitzvah in a couple of weeks.
- i'll see you there.
- you got it.
Bye, uncle sol.
So long, shlomo.
Okay, I am.
Uh, I guess we'd better go soon.
Why? We were having a good time.
Now you're all grumpy again.
They get colicky, Roseanne.
They need to be fed every 10 minutes And burped, and changed, And fed again and burped and changed And fed and burped.
You were right, honey-- Our days are definitely numbered.
Thank god you dragged me out for one last hurrah.
'cause the next six months are gonna be hell.
They're gonna be fantastic, Dan.
Let's go dance.
I don't get it-- A few hours ago you were calling it baby jail.
Oh yeah, I know, I know.
But, you know, Remember the way they uh Wrap their hand around your finger And the way they look when they smile the first time, The way they smell after they've had a bath.
It's a pretty cool jail, actually.
Yeah The way they pop their little eyes open for the first time And look at you like they've got a bum deal.
- that's the coolest.
- yeah.
Well, I am gonna miss this-- Just us, leisurely like-- I mean, it's all gonna be about the baby for a while.
I'm gonna miss you.
- well, we've still got tonight.
- mm-hmm.
And we're up One, two, three, four-- chance.
Chance! "pay luxury tax.
" "advance to go.
" Oh, i'll collect my 200 simoleons If you don't mind.
Now your roll, little doggie.
You're coming down my street now.
Ooh! Oh, boardwalk With a hotel! I'm a little short.
Do you think you can help me out? Well, I could, But I won't.
Sorry, pooch, it's a dog-eat-dog world.
She's killing us! I'm dead.
I am dead.
You have been so lucky.
It's a sad sad tale Of the lucky and the dead.