Seinfeld s08e04 Episode Script

- I wouldn't walk over there.
- Why not? Because it's the most dangerous part of the sidewalk.
A cab hops a curb: You've had your last egg sandwich.
What about over there? You know, air conditioners fall out all the time.
I'd much rather get hit by an 80-pound air conditioner than a two-ton cab.
No, no, cab's coming up right here.
Set of plastic hips, prosthetic legs a monkey to answer the phone, I'm back in business.
I'd much rather take one in the head, like I did in '79.
You were living in the Village then, right? I don't really remember.
Toxic-waste green.
That is disgusting.
You know, revulsion has now become a valid form of attraction.
Well, then, you're driving me wild.
I had them done for the big Peterman bash I'm throwing.
Why are you having a party? Oh, I drive my people hard, and then I reward them.
- Like with dogs.
- Yeah, exactly.
Party? - Yeah.
- Food? - Bar? - Yeah.
George? He's gonna show up anyway.
George, I just don't want you interfering.
How could I possibly interfere? Isn't that what Jack Ruby said? These are fantastic.
Fantastic.
You know, I'd love to get a jump on the next batch.
Where do you come out of? She's been ignoring this section all evening.
- Quesadilla? - No thanks.
- Hi, my name is George.
- Anna.
I don't recall seeing you around the office.
Do you work in the mailroom? Not quite.
L I'm a friend of Elaine Benes.
Oh, that's nice.
Excuse me.
So How about leading us in a toast? Oh, sure.
Hey, guys, I wanna make a toast.
Here's to those who wish us well and those who don't can go to hell.
All right.
Who's dancing? Come on, who's dancing? You want? You want me to get it started? I'll get it started.
All right.
Come on, guys.
What's the holdup? Sweet, fancy Moses.
Hey.
You get the tickets? - Who needs two? - Oh, mamacita! Let me see them.
Special sneak preview of Death Blow.
Death Blow.
When someone tries to blow you up not because of who you are but because of different reasons altogether.
Yeah? Come on up.
Hey, Jerry, you think you could get an extra ticket for my friend Brody? Know what I had to go through to get these? But he's a big fan of the genre.
You know, I'd consider it a personal favor to me.
Yeah, I guess I do owe you.
Yeah.
Listen, you want me to stay here till George gets up? - No, I'm okay.
- There's no problem, really.
I'm fine.
- He's right in there, boy.
- Yeah, okay.
Hey, how was the party? The food was good.
Yeah, so, I didn't miss anything? Well, actually, you did miss one little nugget of entertainment.
Have you ever seen Elaine dance? Elaine danced? It was more like a full-body dry heave set to music.
Did she do the little kicks and the thumbs? - Wait, you mean you know about this? - For some time.
It was about five years ago.
I never knew what to say to her about it.
It was one of those problems I hoped would just go away.
Well, sometimes you can't help these people till they hit rock bottom.
And by then you've lost interest.
Take a ride with me later.
I borrowed my father's car, '68 GTO.
What made him get that thing? Well, during that period when my folks were separated, he went a little crazy.
Not a very long trip.
- Brody's in.
- I don't even have the extra ticket yet.
Well, you better get on the horn.
I'm telling you, Jerry, I'm getting a vibe.
If I didn't know better, I'd say the staff completely lost respect for me.
How could that be? Well, Jerry, I mean, it's like the feeling is palpable.
Could it have something to do with the party? No, George was there.
He said he had a great time.
It's George.
I bet you this is somehow George-related.
- Oh, what are you talking about? - He's like a virus.
He attaches himself to a healthy host company and the next thing you know, the entire staff is infected.
Now you're talking crazy.
All right.
Then, Jerry, if that's not what it is, you tell me.
What is it? There's my call waiting, I gotta get going.
Bye-bye.
Have a minute to approve some copy? Oh, yeah.
Sure, sure.
So did you have a good time at the party last night? It was a real kick.
Hey, did you happen to speak to my friend George? As a matter of fact, I did.
Well, listen, you would be wise to keep your distance from him.
Why? He seems harmless.
Oh, he's not.
He's very harmful.
- Really? - Oh, trust me.
He's a bad seed, he's a horrible seed.
He's one of the worst seeds I've ever seen.
And you two are friends? Yeah, we're good friends.
So this Anna called me from out of the blue.
- Really? I thought you were rebuffed.
- With extreme prejudice.
- Maybe Elaine put in a good word.
- No, no.
See, that's the thing.
Anna told me Elaine said I was one of the worst seeds she'd ever seen.
Interesting.
She doesn't care for you.
Then a stern warning.
Suddenly a phone call.
Seems Elaine's made you the bad boy.
And Anna digs the bad boy.
I'm the bad boy.
I've never been the bad boy.
You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend.
Yes.
Yes, yes.
The bad fiancé, bad dinner guest, bad credit risk.
Okay, the point is made.
The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen.
The bad tipper.
Half of show business is here.
Oh, there's Brody.
Brody, over here.
- Hey, Kramer.
- Yeah.
And you must be Jerry.
Thanks for the ticket.
That's quite a feedbag you're working on there.
It's for all of us.
Is there a problem? Brody.
Brody, come on, he's just kidding.
He's a joke maker.
Tell him, Jerry.
I'm a joke maker.
All right, here we go.
Death Blow.
Hey.
What the hell is he doing? Relax, he does that all the time.
Does what? He's making a copy of the movie for sale on the street.
May I see you outside for a moment, please? - No, I want to watch the movie.
- Outside! Come on.
- Hey, have you seen Anna? - Just left to meet your friend George.
To meet George? I knew it.
Where did they go? - The park, why? - Don't you see? George is in the bloodstream.
You stay away from him too.
What do you mean, bootlegging the movie? It's a perfectly legitimate business.
- It's not legitimate.
- It's a business.
- Where did you meet this guy? - Friend of a friend.
You know Corky Ramirez up on 94th Street? One day he and I are playing pachinko Kramer.
Man, we're missing the deathblow! I don't believe it.
You know, I'm not supposed to be talking to you.
No one's putting a gun to your head.
Do I scare you? No.
A little.
Nice car.
Yeah.
She's a sweet ride.
Is that your orthopedic back pillow? Maybe.
Well, is it, or isn't it? I guess not.
- Stay away from her.
- Hey, I didn't do nothing.
- Get in the car.
- But You heard me, young lady.
Get in the car.
And you! You should know better.
I don't want you infecting my staff.
Lighten up.
Go get them, Death Blow.
So, Death Blow, we meet again.
Are you okay? I got a cramp.
Well, it's no wonder.
You ate that entire bag of candy.
There it goes again.
Kramer, you gotta drive me home.
What is going on over here? Jerry, finish shooting the movie for me.
Are you nuts? No way I'm holding that thing.
Jerry, the man is in pain.
If he didn't lick his fingers before reaching in the bag we would have eaten some.
Serves him right.
What are you, some kind of tough guy? Okay.
Let's everybody just relax.
- Jerry, take the camera.
- All right, I'm taking the camera.
All right, come on, let's go.
Thanks, buddy.
Oh, man.
Hey.
So how was the rest of Death Blow? How was the rest of Death Blow? Who got the final deathblow? I thought that Hawaiian guy had it coming to him, huh? You make me get a ticket for this friend and then the guy forces me to bootleg a movie at gunpoint? He's quite a character, isn't he? He came by here last night at 3:00 in the morning to pick up the tape.
I was scared out of my mind.
I'll get it.
- Yup.
- It's Brody.
Yeah, come on up.
It's Brody, he's coming.
What? Are you crazy? I don't want to see this guy again.
Jerry, you did him a favor.
He probably wants to thank you.
What if I didn't do it right? It's your first time.
He'll understand.
People with guns don't understand.
That's why they get guns.
Too many misunderstandings.
- Hey, Brody.
- Hi.
Jerry, I have to talk to you about the tape.
- Yeah.
- I've never seen such beautiful work.
- What? - You're a genius.
The zoom-ins, the framing, I was enchanted.
Well I did the best I could.
I got another project for you.
Here, go ahead.
It's a movie called Cry, Cry Again.
I was gonna give it to one of my other guys, but it's an arty movie and quite frankly, they don't have the sensibility.
- May I use your phone? - Yeah, yeah.
It's under the couch.
Look at you.
You got another gig, huh? I don't want another gig.
I'm not doing this.
But you have a gift.
Look, Jerry, this is not your little comedy act.
We're talking feature films here.
We're talking federal crime here.
I'll expect that tape by 3:00 tomorrow.
- May I borrow this, please? - Yeah, yeah, sure.
You need a glove? "I pressed through the rushes, and there the native dancers whirled before me limbs flailing, arms akimbo feet kicking up dust.
" What? What is so funny? Sorry, I got hung up.
At Yankee Stadium.
This? It's mine.
Oh, really? Because it looks a little big for you.
It looks like something a short, stocky slow-witted, bald man might wear.
He's not stocky.
Who did that? Who did that? The French guy fell off his bike.
Oh, man, that's precious.
No, no, no no, no, no.
What were you thinking when you shot this? - What? That's fine.
- You know what this scene is about? Yeah, it's about a guy buying a loaf of bread.
No.
Bread is his soul.
He's trying to buy back a loaf of his soul.
Wha Where? No way you're giving this tape to Brody and telling him I shot it.
- He's not gonna know the difference.
- I don't care about Brody.
I was up on 96th Street today.
There was a little kid, couldn't have been more than 10 years old.
He was asking a street vendor if he had any other bootlegs that looked as good as Death Blow.
That's who I care about.
The little kid who needs bootlegs because his parent or guardian won't let him see the excessive violence and strong sexual content you and I take for granted.
So you'll do the movie? Oh.
Oh, man.
I sat in gum.
I have to.
But I'm gonna need to storyboard this whole thing.
- Where are my Magic Markers? - Right here.
Well, I have lost complete control of my staff.
Why did I let George go to that party? I mean, we were having so much fun.
I mean, we were wining, we were dining, we were dancing.
Please.
- What? - This thing.
- It's dancing.
- No, no.
That ain't dancing, sally.
I dance fine.
You stink.
He doesn't know what he's talking about.
Jerry? Jerry? I'm a good dancer, right? I forgot to make my bed.
Jerry, do I stink? All right.
You're beyond stink.
But I really enjoy dancing.
And that's not helping either.
That's why you're having trouble with your staff, not because of George.
It's that bad? Have you ever seen yourself? Please, please.
Not in my home.
I gotta throw this stuff in the laundry.
I'll be right back.
I have George Costanza still holding.
George, hi.
I have Anna here.
There's something I want to say to both of you.
Yo, Anna.
Hi, George, what are you up to? You don't wanna know.
Well, listen, I feel really horrible about trying to keep you two apart, and I just wanted to apologize.
What? What are you talking about? Well, George, I just want you to hear me say to Anna that you're a good and decent person.
Pick up the phone, Elaine.
Pick it up.
I never should have given Anna the impression - Pick it up! you're a bad seed I mean, you're a fine seed.
Elaine, get off the speaker! - What? - You are ruining everything.
What? I'm trying to help.
Why are you being so difficult? Yeah, yeah.
That's it.
More of that.
Difficult, I'm a difficult seed.
George, I don't have time for this.
Anna, do you want to talk to George? - No, I don't think so.
- No, she doesn't want to.
- Okay.
Bye, George, we'll see you.
- I'm a bad man.
So where's the tape? Oh, no, I didn't shoot this one.
I'm just scouting the location.
- I need the tape.
- You'll get your tape.
But here's what I need.
I'm gonna need three cameras two on the floor, one in the balcony, and I want headsets for the guys running them.
I want to be able to talk to them.
Are you out of your mind? - Kramer, l You know - Yeah.
I know, Jerry, it's okay.
Yeah, look, Brody, Jerry wants to do the bootleg.
He's dying to do it, but if you don't make him happy, the work suffers and then nobody's happy.
Just shoot the damn thing so I can get it out on the street.
All right, that's it.
I can't work like this.
- Jerry - I'm off the project.
Jerry! - I want the tape.
- Yeah, l I know.
Well, I'm the good boy again.
Can you believe that? They think they can get anyone to shoot these bootlegs.
Anna actually has respect for me now.
It's all over.
The whole business has changed.
It's all about money now.
The sad thing is, it's the kids that suffer.
Listen, man, you gotta shoot this movie for me.
Brody, he's a reasonable man, but he's insane.
I'm not doing this anymore.
I don't know what I was thinking.
It's illegal, it's dangerous Did you say dangerous? I'm a bootlegger.
- You're a what? - Bootlegging a movie, baby.
Isn't that illegal? I could do hard time for this one.
And community service.
Is this your FiberCon? Get out of my way! Jerry, George got arrested.
- What? - Yeah.
He went down at the Beekman.
He tried to lam, but they cheesed him.
Oh, now I see.
- Yeah? - It's Brody.
I'm coming up.
What are we gonna do? Well, I gotta give him something.
Come on.
Where's that tape I shot? I think that's it.
Let's check it out.
Sweet, fancy Moses.
Jerry, she taped over the whole ending.
- Where's the tape? - Well, it's - Is that it? - Yeah, yeah.
Here it is, Brody.
One copy of Cry, Cry Again.
How'd it turn out? - Great.
- Great, yeah.
Although the whole story kind of comes apart at the end there.
Out of nowhere there's this lone dancer who appears to be injured.
Yeah.
It's a disturbing image.
Yeah.
So you cry, and then when you see the dancing you cry again.
It's all right, George.
You'll just pay a fine, and that'll be it.
Why did the policeman have to yell at me like that? - Anna.
- Oh, thanks for coming to pick me up.
- I can explain everything.
- All right.
We'll talk about it at the office.
- Okay, where's my boy? - Oh, my God.
I'm sitting at home reading a periodical, and this is the call I get? My son is a bootlegger? Ow, Dad! - Who put you up to this? Was it her? - All right.
Wait, I think you've got it backwards.
George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this.
- You got that right.
- What the hell does that mean? That means whatever the hell you want it to mean.
You saying you want a piece of me? I could drop you like a bag of dirt.
You want a piece of me? You got it! But he's an old man, Elaine.
Well, he wrote the check, and I cashed it.
Look, here's that bootlegged Death Blow that I shot.
- Cry, Cry Again, I want to see that.
- No, you don't.
- You shot Death Blow? - Yeah.
- It was brilliant.
- Thank you.
- You were big.
- I'm still big.
It's the bootlegs that got small.
- How are things at the office? Normal? - Yeah, pretty much.
Although I still get the vibe every once in a while.
Oh, I wouldn't worry about it.