The Middle s08e04 Episode Script

1 [Crow caws.]
[Whistling.]
Uh, Brick, what's with the getup? Oh, this? I've noticed high-school kids seem to be very into school pride.
As you know, I live life on the periphery, on the fringes of fun.
But I've decided, if I want to graduate having lived the highschool experience, it will require total immersion.
But you don't even like sports.
Correction used to not like sports.
Now all I care about is we beat the Bentonville Bears Friday night.
The Bears are going down.
I hate them based on their geographical location.
Good man.
In addition to sports cheering, I will also decorate my locker and perhaps participate in a school prank.
One thing's for sure count on a lot of selfies.
You can follow my antics on social media.
I've got this year down like the Bears, who are going down.
[Chuckles.]
Aww, look at Brick.
All full of high-school spirit.
[Chuckles.]
Huh.
What do you think of that? I think he's going down.
[Sighs.]
[Clatter.]
[Metal clangs.]
Oh, my God.
I have read the same sentence three times.
This room is driving me crazy.
Seriously, Lexie, I can't concentrate with the noise of that stupid trash chute.
Not to mention the smell when somebody throws up in it.
Come on, this is college, Sue.
We're roughing it, doing it on our own.
That's why, when my dad offered to put us in a super-fancy apartment at Gumford Falls, I said, "No, Daddy, it's time for this Daddy's little girl to grow up.
" Is it, though? Whoa! What a pit.
[Chuckles.]
My place doesn't have a roof, and it looks better than this.
Then why don't you go there? What do you want, Axl? My tummy is rumblin'.
I'm in between classes, so where is it? I know you guys must have some girl chocolate around here somewhere.
Hm? No? Hm.
Okay, Lexie, I can feel your eyes follow me around.
I'm sorry, but I am taken.
I'll try to restrain myself.
Well, it's not gonna be easy, 'cause I'm gonna bend over and look in this drawer down here.
What do we got? Oh-ho! Go-diva.
Mmm, mmm, mmm, these look good.
It's Godiva.
I said I'm taken.
Oh, Sue, by the way, your weirdo boyfriend is chained to a tree outside screaming about owls or something.
Ugh, Jeremy.
[Gasps.]
What? Do I sense trouble in dork-adise, huh? She's over him.
Really? Why don't your break up with him, dummy? Hm? Blagh.
Almonds.
- [Rumbling.]
- Ugh.
Well, I've tried breaking up with him.
- It's not that easy.
- [Air rushing.]
I mean, when he puts his mind to something, he just does not give up.
And you know how weak I am.
Remember how hard it was for me to finally be honest with Darrin? Sue, look - it's very simple, okay? - [Rushing stops.]
When I want to break up with someone not like my current relationship, in which I am very happy, Lexie, seriously, you're embarrassing yourself I let them break up with me.
What do you mean? What I mean is guys don't like to break up, so when they want to end a relationship, they just act like a jerk until eventually the girls break up with them.
That seems kind of mean.
No, it's not mean, 'cause we're letting them do the breaking up, so it's actually quite kind.
Mm.
- Ahh.
- [Can clinks.]
I got to bounce.
Thank you for the chocolate.
She is really making me feel uncomfortable.
Wha [Mouthing "It's fine".]
[School bell rings.]
I hope you told your mom not to wait for you for dinner.
Font Club may run a little late tonight.
We're having a raising Helvetica party.
I thought we were gonna discuss Garamond.
I'm saving that for Monday.
Gara-Monday? Ah, cool.
Coach: Hey, you.
You ever thought about trying out for football? Who, me? No, the wall of man behind you.
I didn't see you at tryouts.
What's your name? Brick Heck.
Again, not you.
Why don't you come to practice, see if you like it.
We could always use help with nose tackle.
What's your name? Troy Tangaroa.
Tango.
Together: Tango.
[Chanting "Tango".]
Frankie: So, Sue took Axl's advice and implemented Operation Jerk.
Hey, where you been? I've been texting you all morning.
Did you forget to set the alarm to get up and save our dying planet? Nah, I got your texts.
Just got, uh, other things to do.
You know, been busy, doesn't matter.
Whatevs.
Okay.
Well, at least you're here now.
Why don't you hand out these pamphlets.
I [Scoffs.]
The sea ice in the Arctic Circle is melting! Sign our petition to protect the polar bears! I don't know.
Polar bears are kind of overrated.
Do they really need our help? I went to a zoo once, and they seemed fine.
The polar bears are dying because of man's endless thirst for oil.
Yeah, but if you're on a long road trip and you need a place to go inside and pee, where are you gonna go if you don't have a gas station? So thank you, oil.
[Megaphone screeches.]
Big corporations are pillaging Mother Earth.
But don't big corporations always have our best interests at heart? No, they don't.
They support child labor.
Keeps the kids off their phones, am I right? Sue, what's going on? Guess I'm just a big, giant jerk.
No, no, no, no, no.
You're just still working out some meat toxins from your system.
Yeah, that's right.
I saw you eating bacon at breakfast yesterday.
[Gasps.]
O-okay, okay.
Jeremy Okay.
Don't you feel like lately, I don't know, we're just in different places? Hey, hey, we're not in different places.
We're right here on a journey together.
Okay.
But don't you feel like, I don't know, lately, it's gotten kind of hard? [Scoffs.]
Changing the world is hard, Sue.
We're not quitting on the earth when she needs us the most, and I'm not quitting on us.
You're not quitting on me, are you, Sue? [Sighs.]
No.
Okay, then.
Hey, you! Hey, fashion slave! Hey, what's that on your butt? Huh? There's some kind of message there.
What? What are you talking about? I can't see anything.
Huh.
Wait.
Oh, my God.
I did not mean to get these.
If you say so.
Seriously, do these look like something I'd buy? I don't know.
You buy T-shirts for those fun runs you never go on.
No, no, they were all on this table 5 for 20 bucks so I just grabbed a handful.
I bought all these normal ones.
This must have got in by mistake.
Oh, my God, this is so embarrassing.
I'm gonna have to return them.
Why? Right, I'm gonna wear something that says "I'd hit that.
" Come on, that's ridiculous.
Boy, lesson learned Never shop for underwear without your glasses.
Well, I guess if you need reading glasses to see the underwear, you should probably just go straight to diapers.
What happened to all the Hen stuff? Uh, I wasn't in the mood.
What's the matter? High school not treating you so good? No, but it sure is treating Troy good.
I don't get it.
One second, I'm walking down the hall with my best friend, and the next second, he's swallowed up by the football team.
Troy's on the football team? Really? That's your takeaway from this conversation? Well, I'm just saying football a lot of people think that's a big deal.
Aren't you happy for him? No, not at all.
Not even a little.
That sounds a little selfish, don't you think? It's not just about him being popular.
I mean, he didn't even show up for Font Club.
That could be for a lot of reasons.
Maybe you just got to put in a little more effort, Brick, that's all.
And, hey, find out what position they got him playing, 'cause they really need a nose tackle.
Although, they could put him somewhere on the O-line.
[Sighs.]
Fine.
Write down the sports words, and I'll try and ask.
Okay.
Tell the university to divest its endowment Breaking up with Jeremy was harder than Sue thought, so she took the obvious next step got her no-cut a cappella group to do it for her.
This is from Sue.
[Plays pitch pipe.]
Three, four.
Pardon me, boy Is that the Chattanooga Choo Choo? Whoo, whoo! Track 29 Well, you can give me a shine Give me a shine Great plays, you guys.
Great plays.
Franklin went down.
[Chuckles.]
And remember, when football is over, Font Club.
Wednesdays after school in the Xerox room.
Limited cookies for early comers.
Troy.
Hey, Brick.
- You see me play? - I did.
The way that you pushed down that person was quite impressive.
Thanks, man.
Anyways, I was wondering if you were free to grab some French fries on Saturday.
Oh, shoot.
One of the guys, Psycho, is having a party Saturday.
Oh.
Okay.
Wait.
You should come.
Oh.
Sure, I guess.
Should I have my parents call Psycho's parents? I don't think high school works that way.
Great.
Go Hens.
All: Go Hens! [All cheering.]
Mm-mwah.
I knew Grandma sent you fudge.
Didn't she send you any? Yeah, but it's gone.
I knew I could count on your "I'll only eat one a day to make the pleasure last" theory.
Okay, well, you do not deserve fudge, Axl.
Your advice didn't work.
What? Did you act like a jerk? Yes! You would have been so proud of me.
I was totally obnoxious, but he didn't care.
Amateur.
You want me to break up with him for you? You would do that for me? Of course, Sue.
You're my sister.
I'd do anything for you.
And 20 bucks.
You would charge your own family? Hey, the Boss Co.
Break Up Service rate is normally $25.
I'm giving you a family discount.
What about all the chocolate you've been eating? You're right.
I should probably buy my own chocolate.
Better make it $25.
[Clang.]
Excuse me.
I would like to return an item.
It's kind of embarrassing.
Obviously, I didn't mean to buy these.
Obviously.
[Chuckles.]
Well, not that obviously.
I mean, I could wear those.
Oh, sure, of course.
Back in the day, right? Anyway, let me just get a price check.
Uh, Tiffany, can I get a price check on I'd Hit That? [Clears throat.]
Well, no, no, no, no.
Not just back in the day.
I mean, it's still within the realm of possibility.
[Chuckles.]
There are people that have wanted to hit that before.
Even recently.
I mean, I have a loving husband.
We have a good relationship.
Sure, we get busy and tired, and we still have one kid at home.
And I have stomach issues.
They want me off the Dr.
Pepper.
I'm down to one.
Otherwise, that would get hit a lot more.
Well, we usually don't accept returns, but I'll make an exception because your story's so sad.
So, do you want this on your credit card or cash? I-I-I'm sorry, I just feel like I really need to make a point here.
I think, for a woman my age, I have kept myself in pretty good shape.
I have been an inactive member of a ladies gym going on 22 years now.
And yeah, sure, I hit the frosting every now and then, but I have been blessed with a fast metabolism.
Look, if you want something more your style and more, you know, functional, you might try the Undergarment Garage.
My mom loves it.
Hey, I am not Undergarment Garage material.
I am still vibrant.
As a matter of fact, I will keep these underwear, and I will also take Hashtag Hottie Twerk it uh, Party In My Pants and, uh, oh, no, no this is disgusting.
You should keep these in the back.
Kids are walking by.
Free refreshments! Hey! Care for a big glass of fracking juice? Make yourself a frackarita.
You like that? Yo, dude.
We need to talk.
Listen, my sister's done with you.
Is she? Axl, let me ask you something.
Have you ever been in love? [Scoffs.]
- Yo.
- [Thud.]
Ah! Oh, hey.
So, is it done? Uh yeah-ish.
Oh, my God.
You didn't do it.
Uh He talked about love, okay?! And I'm very sensitive to that right now.
So when the four of us go to dinner on Thursday, we can talk about it then.
I cannot believe you caved, Axl.
I want my money back.
I don't have it.
I gave it to stop fracking.
The guy is good.
Hey.
Oh, Lexie, seriously? You're a very cute girl.
Just please, have some dignity.
No.
Hey.
Just so you know, we bought you some lunch meat, so you can tell the school they can stop calling.
I talked to Troy.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
He invited me to a party.
Hey, great.
Did you find out what position he's playing? Actual son here trying to work through a problem.
Anyway, at first, I was looking forward to going, but now I'm worried.
What am I gonna say to a bunch of jocks? Can you give me some football terms to use so I don't embarrass myself trying to fit into the conversational bouquet? Uh, first of all, I'd steer clear of "bouquet.
" Second, just talk about anything.
Just be yourself.
Should I talk about Charlie Rose? No.
Why would you do that? Well, I like his interviewing style.
The way he takes one topic and really delves into it.
Um, just talk, like, uh, "Hey, what class are you in? Where'd you get those sneakers?" You're giving me tall-guy advice.
That all works coming from you.
If I did it, I'm just the weirdo paying too much attention to people's shoes.
Okay, whatever.
I'm just saying don't put so much pressure on it.
Relax.
You know a joke? Tell a joke.
I don't know any jokes.
Oh.
Well, um Okay, here's one I like.
Your mom is so ugly, when she goes to the zoo, she needs two tickets one to get in and one to get out.
I don't understand.
Well, they're saying that she's so ugly they think she's an animal.
So she needs [chuckles.]
a ticket to get out of the zoo.
So, you're saying if an animal had a ticket, the zoo would just let it out? That's not safe.
And how would he even carry a ticket with its hooves? No, it [Sighs.]
You're missing the point.
Is the animal being let out of the zoo the joke part? No! The woman is so ugly they think she's an animal.
That's the joke.
- Is it? - Yes! So I'm insulting someone's mother, animals are on the loose causing chaos in society, and the zoo is somehow charging people to leave.
I'm sorry, there's just so much wrong with this, Dad.
Thank you, but when it comes to talking to teenage football players, I'll take my chances with Charlie Rose.
[Door opens.]
[Clears throat.]
[Humming.]
Boop.
You didn't return them, did you? No, I did not.
In fact, I bought more, and I'm happy I did.
I am telling you, Mike, these things are power.
Mm-hmm.
You know what? I'm gonna finally quit the gym.
They keep sucking me in with their free magnets and their little measuring cups for doling out cereal.
Well, I'll have as much cereal as I want, Mindy, 'cause I'm a metabolizing machine.
You go, girl.
Oh, I didn't get that pair, but I got some good ones.
So, I'm not gonna tell you what they are, so make sure you wear your reading glasses to bed tonight.
[Lights buzzing.]
Got a pizza for Sue Hack.
That's me.
Wait a minute.
[Sighs.]
No, I-I ordered a large pepperoni with extra cheese.
This is a small with green peppers.
That's the pizza they gave me, so take it or leave it.
- [Grinding.]
- Fine.
[Whoosh, clang.]
Are you kidding me?! The room just ate the pizza I didn't even want.
Oh, yeah.
It's November 1st.
That's when they reverse the air for heat, so instead of blowing, it sucks.
Yes.
Yes, it does.
I hate this room and I hate Jeremy.
What happened to me? I used to stand up for myself.
I used to have grit.
I fought for everything I've ever gotten.
Gah! And now I'm just a doormat? No, no, not anymore! You, get me the right pizza.
You, starting packing, 'cause we're leaving this dump.
And me, I've got a boyfriend to break up with.
- Jeremy.
- Oh, hey.
Sue, glad you're here.
I'm chaining myself to the administration building.
I need you to hold my pee bottle.
Uh what? No.
You hold your own pee bottle.
I have something to say, and I need you to listen.
Sue, you can wait.
The earth can't.
Stop it.
Jeremy, no.
For once, you are going to stay and listen to me.
Sue, what are you do [Lock clicks.]
Jeremy I think we should stop seeing each other.
Wow, this came out of nowhere.
Are you serious? I sent my brother.
I sent my nocut a cappella group to sing "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.
" They sang "Chattanooga Choo Choo.
" [Gasps.]
Ugh, Landis.
Mnh.
Always pushing his own agenda.
He's got a solo in that one.
He shouldn't.
- [Chain rattles.]
- Look Look, Sue, we can't break up.
We're a team.
Me, the fierce, tireless, natural-born leader, and you the naturalborn follower.
What? You think I'm a follower? Sue, babe, I didn't mean follower as a bad thing.
I just meant that I have all this great knowledge.
I'm the person out there on the front lines changing the world, and you're like this sponge that soaks up everything I say.
I am not a sponge.
I have grit.
Sponges do not have grit.
Okay, some sponges have grit, like the ones with the pot-scoury side, but that's not the point.
The point is you think I am your mindless follower? [Scoffs.]
You want to know what I think, Jeremy? I think you don't do all this stuff for the earth.
I think you do it for you because you don't actually care about anyone else's ideas.
You only care about your own ideas and hearing yourself talk.
So, pardon me, Jeremy.
Is that the Chattanooga Choo Choo? Yeah, it is, and it's going thata-way.
And you are going that-a-way.
Wait, uh, Sue, the the [Keys rattle.]
Hey, buddy, how'd it go? Ugh.
That bad, huh? Actually, I was amazing.
Your zoo joke killed.
Huh.
And when I asked the guys to explain why it was funny, I got an even bigger laugh.
[Scoffs.]
And then it just got worse from there.
I don't get it.
You talked to people.
You came back wearing both your shoes.
From where I'm sitting, it sounds like you had a pretty good night.
Truly, it couldn't have gone better.
I was witty, interesting.
I used a curse word to great effect.
But it was just exhausting.
All I could think about was how long before I could leave.
Uh, well, that explains the 8:30 pickup.
I don't know.
I guess I wanted the whole high-school experience, but it ended up feeling like a lot of work.
Yeah, I don't know what to tell you, Brick.
That's high school.
You feel all this pressure to be social, go to parties, hang out with the right people.
It gets a little easier in your 20s.
You can go out or stay home.
Then when you're 50, well, you can just stay home.
Oh, thank God.
I wish I was 50.
Eh, there's trade-offs.
Look, the main thing is you stepped up to the plate and you took a swing, and I'm proud of you.
So, what's the plan for tomorrow? You want to stop at the hardware store after church, maybe grab a Dad, would you mind if we're just quiet for a little while? I would not mind that at all.
[Exhales.]
Well, I didn't quit the gym.
When I got there, the underwear kicked in, and I wanted to work out.
Plus, Mindy made some excellent points.
And they have these new collapsible bowls now that you can pop in your purse and just take right to a restaurant.
Makes portion control so much easier.
[Gasps.]
[Grunts.]
[Gasps.]
Paramedic: [Echoing.]
Ma'am, can you hear me? Excuse me, ma'am, can you hear me? You took quite a spill there.
Just gonna check your hips for any bruising or fractures.
Okay.
[Gasps.]
No, wait.
No, see, there was this table, and they had all the underwear spread out on them, and I wasn't wearing my glasses.
[Chuckles.]
You know, it's funny where you draw your power from.
It could be from your underpants.
It could be from a pizza-stealing vent.
And sometimes, it can come from a really good friend.
- Then I said - You know what? Why don't we just dispense with the reading of the minutes.
All in favor Sorry I'm late.
Troy.
What are you doing here? We're discussing Helvetica Bold, right? Wouldn't want to miss that.
In fact, I told the whole football team about it.
Really? Well, we should probably get started.
Um, okay.
Cindy, did you make your list of top-five fonts? Yes.
- Nexa Bold.
- Mmhmm.
- Manifesto.
- Mm.
I know, Brick, I know.
You're not a fan of upper case.
But I happen to like that it's inspired by the Italian rationalist movement of the 1920s.
No, it's fine if you want a font to slap you in the face.
But in my opinion, there's Bookman Old Style.
That's such an artistic font.
It's in so many pieces of literature nowadays.
And if you want something's that's bold, there's always oblique.