Family Guy s08e05 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Hi, Chris.
How'd you do on your science test? I got a D.
A D? That's fantastic! Just kidding.
I know it means you suck.
Come here, you delightful idiot! - Another D, Chris? - I'm sorry, Mom.
But science is so hard.
Well, maybe you just need a little extra help.
Dad, would you help me with my homework? Chris, I gotta tell you, that sounds worse than a trip to a failing mall.
All right, kids.
Your mom is gonna go to the Cinnabon that has the cage pulled halfway down.
And I'm gonna go to the stereo store next to the dead fountain with garbage in it.
Let's say we meet back here under the glue outline of the old Limited sign.
Well, it doesn't matter anyway.
Every time I try to study, the evil monkey comes out of my closet and scares me.
Oh, for God's sake, Chris! You're in high school now.
Stop talking about that evil monkey! He's not real.
He is too real! I can prove it! Well, you'll have to do a better job than you did on your science test.
Or than God did when he left the iron on Ellen Barkin's face too long.
- Oh, damn! - How is it? You know what? We'll put you in the '80s.
You'll pass for hot.
Now, get in the van with Kelly McGillis.
Next stop, Hollywood! Up next, the Hannah Montana marathon.
Yes! And for all you fans, the Miley Cyrus tour is coming to the Quahog Civic Center for three nights only.
Call to get your tickets now.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! But not now.
'Cause it just sold out.
What? Oh, no.
No! No, no! No! I'm calling anyway! I need Hannah Montana tickets and I need them now! Never mind who this is! Can you get them or not? I guess I should dial something first.
What's all the noise? What are you watching? Sorry.
But you know the rules.
Hannah can't do the photo shoot until Miley finishes her homework.
You can't tell Hannah what to do.
She's not your daughter.
Wait.
So, Miley's my daughter, but Hannah isn't? - Right.
- Great.
Put your wig on.
Shut up! This is real.
- You're watching Hannah Montana? - Well, yeah.
To make fun of it.
I mean, look how stupid she is with her clothes and her makeup, and that fabulous hair and Oh, my God, Brian! It's my favorite show! It's my favorite show ever! - Jesus.
- And she's coming to town! And I have to get tickets, Brian! You have to help me get tickets! No.
It's a stupid show and a huge waste of time.
But she's my favorite.
Oh, my God.
Are you crying? Yes! Hannah Montana is my hero! I love her so, so much! And this is the only time she's gonna be in town! And now I'll never get to see her! Will you help me? No.
Hey, Chris.
You want to practice kissing again? I'm busy.
I set up a video camera last night, so I can prove to Mom and Dad that the evil monkey is real.
And I want to see what I got.
Oh.
Nothing.
All right, it's time to play rough! - You wanted to see me? - Yes, yes, come in.
Close the door.
Take a look at this, Brian.
- Recognize him, Brian? - No.
It's your brother.
I found him for you, buddy.
What? Jerry? That's amazing.
Can he hear me? Hi, Jerry.
- What's that big thing around his neck? - Oh, I'll show you.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What did you do? I killed him, Brian.
And he's the lucky one.
He went quickly.
There were nine dogs in that litter.
Now, are you going to help me get those Hannah Montana tickets? Stewie, you're not going to be able to get tickets.
It's, like, the biggest thing in town.
It's sold out.
Then you are going to help me find a way to get in.
- Okay, okay, I'll help you.
- Excellent.
Wait, you managed to hunt down eight dogs that were born years ago on a farm in Texas, and you can't manage to get Hannah Montana tickets? That's what I said.
I got you, you bastard! Well, here he is! The evil monkey! Do you believe me now? - Holy crap! - It is real! - Oh, my God! I thought I was the only one! - Meg, we're doing Chris' monkey.
- Oh, my God! Chris was right! - Holy crap! Chris, is that thing dangerous? - Yes! He's evil! - I'm not really evil.
It talks! If someone will please untie me, I'll explain everything.
No, Dad! Don't do it! He's evil! Look, just trust me.
This is all a huge misunderstanding.
Chris, I think we should give him a chance to explain himself.
No! Thank you very much.
Now, I know this looks bad, me living in your son's closet and all.
But it's a very complex situation.
You see, basically, I got home from work one day and found my wife cheating on me with another monkey.
Oh, that's terrible.
I fell into a deep depression after the divorce, which ended up costing me my job.
All my money was gone, which means I lost the house.
So I moved into Chris' closet just until I got back on my feet again.
Wound up living in there for nine years.
Oh, my God! You've missed so much.
Like when America was attacked by mentally-challenged suicide bombers.
You know something? You're not evil at all, are you? No, he's not.
He's just a poor fellow who's down on his luck.
Easy for you to say! He doesn't hide in your closet making a scary face! That's just the face I make when I'm thinking.
- And you're always pointing at me.
- I was trying to start a conversation.
And you do that weird trembling thing! I have a copper deficiency.
Look, Chris, I'm sorry if I scared you before.
But this is a great chance for us to start over.
No, it isn't! You can fool everyone else, but you can't fool me! You go to hell! - Hi, we're on the list.
- Names? Stewie Griffin and Kanye West.
- Yo, yo, yo.
- You don't look like Kanye West.
- That's what I said.
- No, I'm him.
Then sing one of your songs.
Freddie Sanford Freddie Sanford and his son Freddie Sanford In a junkyard having fun What the devil will they screw up next? You are Kanye West! Okay.
Now, remember to play it cool.
Act like you belong here.
Oh, my God, Miley! I love you! I love you! I love you! I'm your biggest fan! Can I touch your hair? Who are you guys? How did you get back here? Look, I'm really sorry about this.
This is my friend Stewie.
He's just a baby.
And he's your biggest fan.
And he has cancer.
Oh, my God! Really? Yeah.
He's got a tumor in his head the size of a football.
I think I can see it.
Well, in that case, I wouldn't feel right about throwing you out.
Especially if you're my biggest fan.
Stay here.
You can watch the show from backstage.
And afterwards, we'll all hang out.
Sweet niblets! This is the greatest day of my life.
- Sweet niblets? - Yeah, sweet niblets.
That's her catchphrase, sweet niblets.
- Say it.
Say it back to me.
- What? - Say, "sweet niblets"! - Sweet niblets.
That wasn't so hard, was it? I mean, Sarah Silverman is just one of the most wonderful people you'll ever meet.
That's so good to hear.
I want to like her.
She's so funny.
I want her to also be nice.
- Could you tell us some stories about her? - Of course I can.
Right after I show you how to make homemade root-beer popsicles.
You, sir, are good company.
Well, I'm glad you guys are having such a great time with that evil thing that tortured me for years! Dad, I thought you were gonna help me with my book report.
Chris, there is a monkey here.
And I just fed him a whole bag of Subway sandwiches.
In a couple hours, we are gonna sit around and throw his soft-bread stool at each other.
Now, you are welcome to be a part of that, or not.
- I'm just telling you what's gonna happen.
- Well, thanks for nothing, Dad! Don't mind him, Monkey.
He's just a big disappointment.
Like things that look like DVDs from far away.
DVDs! Oh, books.
That feels so good.
You are an artist.
Thank you.
Lois doesn't like my toenails 'cause they stab her in the night.
Hear that, Lois? Somebody likes my toenails.
- Good for you, Peter.
- Good for this family.
Good for all of us.
Mom! Dad! I got an A on my book report! - That's wonderful, honey.
- Congratulations, Chris.
What did you write about? Um "The Slave Trade Allegory of Curious George.
" - Wait a minute.
I didn't write this.
- Oh, really? - Did Did you write this? - Well, I can't take all the credit.
I've been listening to you talk in your sleep for years.
So, I just put your thoughts on paper.
That's all.
Wow.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.
Thanks, evil Thanks, Monkey.
I'd get up to hug you, but sitting down's the only thing keeping the shit in.
Nah, that's okay.
I can't believe I'm sitting here with you, Miley Cyrus.
It's like I'm in a dream.
Well, that makes me happy, Stewie.
- What are you doing? - Oh, I'm just writing some new lyrics.
- You write your own lyrics? - Yeah.
So do I.
Oh, you wrote a song? Look at you.
You're a regular little Tim McGraw.
I'm a little better than Tim McGraw.
- Hey, these are pretty good, Stewie.
- Really? Do you think you could sing them? Only if you sing with me.
You and I didn't quite get along when we first met When you put us together we just didn't blend But the more that I know you the more it's a good fit Now we've got what it takes to be very best friends A friendship is the best thing ever Except for best friendship which is a little better You mean a lot better I mean a lot better Now we're friends Yes, it's true But no one else can friend me like you A friendship is the best thing ever Except for best friendship which is a little better You mean a lot better I mean a lot better With you - Hey, where you guys been? - We went to the father-son barbecue.
You drove all the way up to Fatherson for a barbecue? No, Dad.
It was a barbecue for fathers and sons.
Wait a minute.
You went with the monkey to a father-son thing? Well, it's not like you ever take me anywhere.
- What? - Oh, listen, Peter.
I didn't - Meg, please! - It's true.
You never want to do anything with me! But the monkey's been taking me to all the fun places I like! And he's been helping me with all my homework! He helped me get an A in algebra! How did the monkey know you needed help with algebra? Because he asked! That's right, Dad.
You never ask.
And even if you did, you never listen! And now you're getting mad at the monkey because he actually cares? Screw you! You are the worst dad in the world, and I hate you! Well Well, I hate you, too! Oh, damn.
I left my cell phone up at that monkey-kid barbecue.
I thought you said it was a father-son barbecue.
- Yeah.
But it was up in Monkeykid.
- What? Boy, you guys have been awful quiet this morning.
Lois, could you ask Chris to pass the maple syrup? Meg, could you tell Dad that he's too fat to need extra syrup? Lois, could you tell Chris that I'm sorry I ever planted the seed version of him in your vagina? I want you two to stop this.
This is no way for a father and son to act.
Well, according to him, that stupid monkey's more of a father to him than I am.
He makes time for me, and you never do! You're supposed to love me and all you do is hurt me! This morning, I had a hard poo that hurt, but then it felt great.
Meg, I'm trying to be mad right now, but that's making me want to smile.
This'll get Chris.
Hey, classmates.
- Griffin, did you gain weight? - That's not important.
But you know what is important? I'm gay now.
Let's all of us go be gay somewhere together.
And then you go tell all your friends that I welcome them to be gay with me, too, because I am gay.
- I'll be gay with you.
- Oh, this is too perfect.
Chris is gonna be so gay by the end of this.
What's this? Well, that's a no-brainer.
Come on, you fat fuck.
Do it.
Who's laughing now? I got my hat.
Hey, guys.
I stopped at Pinkberry and I got some for everybody.
- Wow, thanks! - You're welcome.
I gotta go put on my face for press interviews.
- Stewie, can you hand me my cell phone? - Oh, sure.
Thanks.
That was weird.
Did you hear that when I was giving her the phone? - No.
- It was like interference or something.
Wait a second! Oh, my God! She's an android! Miley Cyrus is an android! Of course.
She's a product of Disney Imagineering.
- They built a perfect robot teen idol.
- Yes, assuring that she could never fail.
Like famous duelist, Sir Henry "Giant Hole in the Torso" Wickenshire.
Ah-ha! Right through me! Prepare for returned fire, Sir Joseph Broadfront.
I give you one last chance to rescind your insult of calling me a common dandy.
Never! My God! I can't believe she's an android.
Do you think we should tell someone, or do something? Well, we could do something.
- Like what? - Well, look at her.
She dances like a real girl.
She moves like a real girl.
Yeah? Do you think she does other stuff like a real girl? You know, if you reprogrammed her? - Brian, that's sick.
She's 16! - I'm eight.
- I don't know.
- You killed my brother.
You owe me.
All right.
I'll see what I can do.
- Hey, Miley.
- Oh, hi, Stewie.
Hey, your shirt tag is showing.
Let me just There we go.
All done.
Miley smash! Uh-oh.
Hang on.
Hang on.
Maybe I can fix this.
- Did you do it? Did it work? - You know, give it a shot, Brian.
But I have to warn you, I think her vagina is also a DVD burner.
Run! We now return to Great Moments in Women's Stand-Up Comedy.
Sorry to interrupt nothing, but, Monkey, do you think you could help me? I just can't stand Peter and Chris being at each other's throats anymore.
Of course, Lois.
I'm sure if we can just get them in the same room together, I can convince them to talk it out.
Why don't you invite Peter to lunch, and I'll invite Chris, - and we'll see what we can do.
- Thank you.
I really appreciate it.
What the hell are you doing here? I thought I was meeting Lois.
She wanted me to talk to you guys about the way you've been behaving.
Look, Monkey, Chris is being a jerk, all right? And there is nothing you can say that will make me change my mind about that.
Peter, you're acting bananas.
- All right, I'll listen.
- You're both good guys.
And that's why it's important for you to reconcile your differences.
I wasn't able to do that, and that's why I wound up living in a closet for nine years.
Chris, I know you're angry, but do you really hate your father? - No.
I just think he's a douche.
- Sometimes he is.
And, Peter, do you really hate your son? No.
But sometimes he's such a little fat jerk! Well, it's only because you never have any time for me! Peter, do you think you could make a little more time for your son? Yeah, I guess so.
- What the hell was that about? - Was that Stewie and Brian? It's Miley Cyrus, and she's destroying the city! Oh, my God! Miss Cyrus, I ask you to stop what you're doing.
I don't just mean this.
I mean everything.
The show, the music, it's all just awful.
Dad, we gotta help him! Do something! - What am I supposed to do? - You're my dad! Think of something! Quagmire, fire up the biplane.
My son needs my help.
All right, Peter.
We're closing in.
Get ready to fire.
Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity! Monkey, grab my hand! - Well, the airplane got her.
- Oh, no.
It wasn't the airplane.
'Twas Beauty killed the Beast.
You know, Brian, here's your shot.
Go for it.
- Too late.
- No, it's not.
Thanks for everything, Monkey.
You made me realize how much Chris really means to me.
And how I should always remember not to take him for granted.
Well, sometimes all anybody needs is a little bit of a wake-up call.
And now that you two are getting along again, my work here is done.
- Guess I'll be moving on now.
- You have to leave? But I thought you were gonna go back to living in my closet again.
I think that time of my life is over, Chris.
But I'll always remember you.
- But where will you go? - I'll go where I'm needed.
Dad! There's an evil monkey in my closet! I don't care, Son.
I just do not care.
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