Frasier s08e05 Episode Script

- Hey, Frasier.
- Oh, hi, Roz.
Checking out the personal ads, huh? Actually, I'm looking at the want ads.
I'm trying to find a housekeeper.
Now that Daphne is Niles' girlfriend, it doesn't feel right for me to ask her to pick up after me anymore, so It's awfully difficult finding someone, though.
It's hard getting what you want these days, isn't it? Indeed.
But you can still find convenience and value if you know where to look.
- Dear God, what are you selling? - Wrapping paper.
It's a fundraiser for Alice's school.
- Well, at least it's a worthy cause.
- Yeah.
All right, let's have a look.
Oh, that one's too garish.
I don't like this one either.
Ooh, I'm certainly not crazy - about Garfield.
- Oh, give me that.
You're getting five rolls of Peace on Earth and thanks for your support.
Roz.
Macchiato.
Make it a doppio.
FRASIER: Niles.
Niles, please, whatever's wrong, the answer doesn't lie at the bottom of an espresso cup.
It's Mel again.
Oh, Lord.
Still making you humiliate yourself at social functions while she plays the long-suffering wife? I'm afraid so.
But she said a couple more weeks and I'll have my divorce.
She said that two weeks ago.
What was it this time? Well, we attended Colonel Turner's very large, very high-Episcopalian funeral.
During the course of which, my cell phone rang repeatedly.
I was not allowed to answer it.
And Mel had set the ringer on "La Cucaracha.
" - Oh, Niles, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, it's all right.
No, I called you twice.
Well, I ruined quite a sendoff.
There was an honour guard, the colonel's butler seating people.
- Two archbishops presiding - Did you just say butler? Oh, yes, I know.
An honest-to-goodness English butler.
The colonel was a bit of an anachronism.
Oh, yes.
It's amusing, really.
I suppose this butler saw to the colonel's every need.
Oh, yeah, and clipped his cigars, poured his scotch.
Laid out his clothes for him and served him his meals.
- I saw him first.
- You had a gardener and maid.
- Never a butler.
It's my dream.
- It's my turn.
Daphne won't have to clean anymore.
I tip my cap, sir.
Ah.
Ferguson, is it morning already? - Indeed, sir.
I trust you slept well.
- Best sleep I've had in years.
- Excellent.
Your coffee, sir.
- Thank you.
To think I was sceptical when you said these pillows could be better arranged.
Yes.
Preparing a suitable sleeping environment is one of the first tasks I learned at my father's knee.
- Oh, your father also buttled? - Oh, yes, sir.
Even my father's father was a gentleman's gentleman.
Ha-ha.
That's a good one, Ferguson.
Thank you, sir.
It's one of my staples.
Will it be breakfast en suite today, sir? No, I believe I'll join the rest of the household.
Very good, sir.
Thank you, Ferguson.
You spoil me.
Keep it up.
Good morning, Dad, Daphne.
- Fras.
Where's Lord Weirdo? - Good morning.
Dad, his name is Ferguson.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Good morning, Dr.
Crane's residence.
Oh, good morning, Dr.
Crane.
Well, thank you, sir.
Your phone manner is also delightful.
- It's Dr.
Crane for you, miss.
- Oh, thank you.
Hello, Niles.
Oh, yes.
- Dear God.
- What's wrong? That politicking Alan Murchie has just been elected president of the opera board.
Yeah, I'll never forget where I was when I heard the news.
This pinhead is president, I can't even get on the board.
And what will you be sending to congratulate Mr.
Murchie, sir? Curses and epithets is all he'll get from me.
FERGUSON: Quite right.
However, a well-chosen gift might draw the eye of Mr.
Murchie as he considers a replacement for his now-vacated seat on the board.
Well If it will make you happy, Ferguson, let's send him a bottle of Chateau Beliveau.
If I may, sir, I've overheard Mr.
Murchie speak fondly of the family villa in Umbria.
He may consider a wine from that region especially thoughtful.
It's a little on the nose, but fine.
I love you too.
Bye.
- Manchester, right? - Is it that obvious? Yeah, to me it is.
My mum's from Manchester.
Used to scream her lungs out for United.
Is that so? My Uncle Jack once tried to get Bobby Charlton's autograph, until Bobby cracked him over the head with a can of lager.
Twelve stitches, and he still has the can.
- Let me give you a hand tidying up.
- Oh, thank you, miss.
You know, you needn't stand on ceremony for Dr.
Crane's father.
- He prefers it if you're more informal.
- Oh, that's rather difficult for me.
I'm accustomed to formality.
Besides, I find it's more professional.
It helps draw the line between a family and its servant.
- Are you referring to Niles and me? - Well, that's none of my business.
No, it's all right.
We're together.
He told me he'd been in love with me for seven years, and I couldn't help but fall head over heels.
It was like a fairy tale.
Seven years? He sounds shy.
Oh, he is.
He was also married for much of the time.
- But now your prince is free.
- Almost.
He married someone else.
I see.
No, you don't understand.
Once that divorce goes through, we'll be together forever.
Well, I hope it's moving swiftly through the courts.
Oh, he hasn't filed yet.
But when his wife thinks the time is right, which is soon, he will.
Well, not that she's in charge of us.
Oh, look, I've given you the wrong impression.
Miss Moon, please understand that this is not meant to be cruel.
But I've witnessed much heartbreak in my career, and I've come to know that an employee-employer romance has little chance of success.
The status relationship will always exist.
Thank goodness I'm not as cynical as you are.
True love is stronger than status.
I don't care what anyone says or thinks.
Niles and I are in love.
Yeah, and don't spread that around.
It's a secret.
Next.
[MUSIC PLAYS ON TV.]
Next.
[WEAPONS FIRING ON TV.]
Next.
Oh, Shark Week.
At ease.
Good day, all.
Hey, Fras, how'd your lunch go with that opera guy? Excellent, not only did Murchie rave on and on about the bottle of Umbrian wine I sent, but he intimated that I was opera board timber.
[CHUCKLES.]
Now all we have to do is continue my charm offensive with the other board members.
- Then might I suggest a party, sir? - Oh, I'm way ahead of you this time.
I was thinking of a little post-opera soiree next week after the opening of Turandot.
If I may take the liberty, sir, perhaps holding the party prior to the opera might be easier on the older guests.
Yes, good thinking.
Yes, yes.
It's a very nice spin on my initial insight of the party.
- You flatter me, sir.
- Ah.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
FRASIER: Hello, Niles.
- Hello, Frasier.
Ah, yes, Ferguson.
FERGUSON: How do you do, sir? NILES: Very well.
- May I take your coat, sir? - Certainly.
- Sherry, Dr.
Crane? - Oh, thank you, Ferguson, but as we speak, I have a bottle of Veuve Clicquot chilling in my apartment.
And you know the old caution: Champagne after sherry makes tummy grow wary.
You have your brother's wit, sir.
So, Niles, you're awfully chipper today.
And why not? Daphne and I are going out on a date.
Well, Niles, what if somebody sees you and reports back to Mel? Mel be damned.
Daphne and I are going to have a romantic evening at my apartment.
Not only that, she's going in my car, in my backseat, under a pile of my coats and blankets.
[PHONE RINGS.]
- That's my cell phone.
- Shall I? - Can he? - Would you? Dr.
Crane's line.
- I'm ready.
NILES: Oh, Daphne, you look ravishing.
Oh, thank you.
It's Mrs.
Crane, sir.
NILES: Hello, Mel.
What? Wait a minute, I thought we agreed All right, I'll see you then.
FRASIER: Everything all right, Niles? It's Mel.
She's having tea with her sorority sisters and would like me to show up.
Late, of course, and preferably boorish.
Oh, for Pete's sake, I thought this was supposed to be over by now.
Yes, well, so did I, but as Mel so politely reminded me, if I want this divorce to be quick and simple, I have to dance to her tune.
I'm sorry.
You understand, don't you? - I guess so.
- That's my girl.
- I will make this up to you.
I promise.
- You better get going.
You heard, didn't you? No, I don't need that.
I mean, I know he loves me.
But it took him seven years to tell me.
His ex-wife walked all over him, and now Mel's doing the same thing.
What, is it gonna take another seven years before he stands up for himself or for us? - Why do you suppose he hasn't? - I don't know.
For the first time, I'm beginning to wonder if If maybe there are too many differences.
Maybe he feels he has too much to lose.
Oh, God, Ferguson, maybe you were right.
[CORK POPS.]
[LIQUID POURING.]
I hope everything meets with your approval, sir.
Oh, yes, indeed, indeed.
Where's Dad's chair? I took the liberty of removing it for the party.
But Dad will be furious.
And I completely forgot.
He'll be here, swigging from a can and guessing women's weight.
I'll be blackballed.
Oh, Dad, listen, about tonight Yeah, I'd love to hobnob and whatnot, but the Town Car's waiting to take me to the game.
Thanks for the tickets, Fras.
Fergie.
Your meatloaf sandwich, sir.
And your finger.
- I hope you don't mind, sir.
FRASIER: Not at all.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Ferguson, positions.
Oh, Niles, what are you doing here? Don't panic.
I'm not crashing your party.
I'm here to pick up Daphne.
We're going to the mall.
Really? Well, no chance of running into Mel there.
Should be a night to remember.
We're going someplace called The Limited.
Well, Daphne, why aren't you dressed? I'm not sure if I'm up to going out tonight.
I really hate all this sneaking around.
It's not sneaking around.
We're gonna be out in public at the Tacoma Mall.
And the most important thing is we'll be together.
All right.
I suppose that really is what matters.
NILES: Now, tell me again, what are we going to eat? DAPHNE: Curly fries.
NILES: Ooh.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Good evening, and welcome to the home of Dr.
Frasier FRASIER: Oh, save it.
It's just Roz.
- What are you doing here? - Oh, your gift wrapping came in.
I thought I just ordered a few.
You were more generous than you thought.
FERGUSON: I'll put it in your room, sir.
- Yeah.
You look like a gift giver.
Roz, you put it in my room.
He's working.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Alan Murchie, lovely to see you.
Likewise.
I don't think you've met my wife, Diane.
Enchanté.
And this is Henry Worth, another board member.
Henry.
Lovely to meet you.
FERGUSON: May I take your coats? - Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
Frasier, isn't that the colonel's old butler? Yes, Ferguson.
My sense of duty compelled me to take him in after the colonel passed.
Yes.
We felt the same sense of duty toward his art collection.
Oh, that's very droll.
Excuse me.
- Collection.
And the Family Pak really is your best value.
Roz, Roz, what are you doing out here? I'm sure Mr.
Worth isn't interested in gift wrapping.
Nonsense.
She's delightful.
Now, what kind of deal would you give me if I bought a hundred rolls? I'd take off 20 percent.
And what would you take off if I bought 5000 rolls? Everything but my bracelets.
[LAUGHING.]
Yes, sir.
Ah! Ted and Lois.
Oh, please, come in.
I hope you don't mind, but we had an extra ticket, so we brought a friend.
Well, of course.
The more the merrier.
Good evening, Frasier.
Mel, what a delightful surprise.
I had no idea you knew the Fishers.
Niles, look who's here.
- Darling.
MEL: Niles.
I didn't think I'd see you here tonight.
I thought you were working late.
Oh, lucky me.
No.
Lucky me.
Lucky all of us.
Please, won't you sit down? What are you doing here? Look, I didn't know we were stopping by here on our way, so just put on your party face and deal with it.
Well, I'm sorry, I have plans.
Yes, you do.
To be by your wife's side.
Everybody good? Everybody happy? Let's try to respect the feelings and long-held dreams of others.
Don't worry, Frasier, everything's going to be fine.
Fine? Fine for whom? Is that code? What does that mean? Daphne, Daphne, I'm so sorry.
Listen, this party can't last more than an hour, and after that, we'll have the whole evening together.
I promise.
Please, don't make any more promises you can't keep.
Oh, Niles, come over here and listen to Ted's funny joke about Communists and heaven.
Oh, I'm laughing already.
- Frasier, this party is a triumph.
- Oh, well I shouldn't be telling you this, but if my straw poll is any indication, we may be seeing you at the next board meeting.
Oh, well, I hope you don't think that's why I did this.
But it's certainly a nice fringe benefit.
I'm no farmer, Crane, but I can smell manure a mile away.
You'll be a welcome addition.
Oh, Ferguson.
Ferguson, listen.
Make sure that everyone has a champagne.
I have a little toast in mind that I daresay will seal the deal.
By the by, don't make any plans for New Year's Eve.
Lo and I are having a blowout at our Mercer Island place.
Well, that's a very generous offer, but Oh, we'd love to.
It'll give me a chance to wear that new Valentino - I might be getting for Christmas.
- Miss Moon? Mel, may I see you for a moment? - Well, actually, l - No, thank you.
Excuse us.
Excuse us just one second.
New Year's Eve with you? Are you out of your mind? Keep your voice down.
Look, I have gone along with this charade because I hurt you, but now you're just dragging it out to be vindictive.
- I'm not gonna tolerate it any longer.
- What're you gonna do about it? - Keep pushing me, you'll find out.
- Don't threaten me.
You made a promise, and you're going to keep it.
Your wrap, madam.
Dr.
Crane thanks you for coming.
Ferguson, Ferguson, what in blue blazes are you doing? Perhaps to spare you some embarrassment, sir, - I took the liberty - Stop.
You've been taking far too much liberty with the liberty-taking.
Please.
Just see that everyone has some champagne.
Yes, sir.
There's no need to leave.
I would like to propose a toast.
NILES: No, Mel, why don't you listen for once? I'm through.
MEL: I'll tell you when you're through, you spineless twit, and you're not even close! Opera time! Opera time! On to the show.
That's it, Mel.
I'm sick of these games.
- Niles, don't make a scene.
- I don't care.
I love Daphne and I'm not putting her through this torture another second.
This sham of a marriage is over.
It's all right, dear.
We've known for some time he doesn't deserve you.
Well, you've seen what I have to put up with.
I've tried so hard.
I really have.
I don't know how you've put up with him this long.
- I just want out.
- Don't worry.
I'll handle the divorce papers personally.
This jackass will be out of your life by the end of the week.
You mean it? See you around, Crane.
I love you too.
Oh, come on, Frasier, you don't wanna spend the evening with those snobs anyway.
Yeah.
- Coming, Roz? - Yeah, I'll be right there.
I'm just getting an early start on the candy drive.
Frasier, I'm sorry I ruined your evening.
That's all right, Niles.
It's a small price to pay to finally see you and Daphne together.
It's true.
We're free.
No more hiding.
Where do you wanna go? Dinner? Dancing? London? Paris? Why don't we go for a walk? - Even better.
FERGUSON: If you'll allow me.
- Thank you, Ferguson.
FERGUSON: My pleasure, sir.
- Thank you, Ferguson.
- It was my privilege, Ms.
Moon.
All right, Ferguson, we've got some fences to mend with the board.
What do we send, and to whom do we send it? Actually, sir, I regret to inform you that I must tender my resignation.
Please, don't be upset things didn't go well this evening.
I'll make it up to you.
Send yourself something.
Thank you, sir, but it's not you.
It was your brother and Ms.
Moon.
His willingness to break social rank has inspired me.
And there' a certain Lady Westerfield whose acquaintance I'd like to renew.
Ah.
True love and all that.
Well, good luck, Ferguson.
Thank you, sir.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I had rather a difficult evening.
Think I'll just go take a sad soak in the tub.
Sir, after such an evening, it's not right for a man to draw his own bath, so if I may take the liberty Carry on, Ferguson.