Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s08e05 Episode Script

Hey up, Nora, nice morning.
What were that for? That's before you start.
We're a bit touchy.
All right! I can take a hint.
That'll be the day(!) Tha shouldn't turn thy back on a friendly face.
Turning me back on you?! I wouldn't dare! Come and see me later.
Don't hold your breath.
I'm very understanding.
It'll be as though there's never been .
.
any hiccup in our relationship.
Clear off! Don't scatter toast round me premises.
Have a nibble! Morning, Howard.
It is for some.
It's quicker to BREAK the window than to try to wear a hole in it.
You know Pearl.
Pearl likes clean windows.
Are you going training, then? To be perfect? Oh, no.
That's a trifle presumptuous for a retired lino salesman.
Training for the Yorkshire Marathon.
For charity.
They're all doing it.
Oh, no! I'm one of Nature's non-competitors.
I'm not pushy enough to get in front.
I thought I might.
It's better than housework.
It's something to aim for.
I'm just a small bloke.
Nobody thinks, "I bet he's one of the key figures of the century.
" Nobody says, "I bet Howard's toppled a few thrones.
" What they don't see isinside, I've got this urge to push myself to the frontiers of human experience.
And beyond.
Actually, what you've got inside at the moment is Pearl.
I were just asking you the time.
Right? Any time! Hey up, time for a paddle.
Even the best Oriental restaurants seldom bathe customers' feet(!) Don't go clomping about till this floor's dry.
IVY: ROUND THE BACK! Stop where you are! Now stand still! What is it!? What is it? It's my clean floor! Good grief, is that all? ALL? STAND STILL! You shouldn't shout warnings to a trained fighting man.
I might respond in a violent way.
Just keep your flat feet still.
Now! Step on that! SIT DOWN AND KEEP STILL! I'll take your order and bring it to you.
Sit there till me floor's dry! I-I'd like a nice cup of your delicious tea.
One tea(?) You ruin me floor for one tea(?) And, of course, a bun(!) One bun.
All it takes to keep the world going smoothly is courtesy.
Helping old ladies across the road? The management would appreciate the right change! Of course.
That's a real fighting man's purse(!) Loose change wears your pocket linings out.
He's right.
It does.
Put yourself away! I won't have customers turning themselves inside out.
Where can you go to turn yourself inside out? Thank you.
Don't scatter any crumbs.
I wonder how my linings got in this state? Worry? Wha-at? They say worry kills.
Maybe it also wears linings out.
You could be right.
I AM worried.
Worried? You(?) Aye, me.
You go through life as if you've got a free ticket.
Norman, I AM WORRIED.
Tell us your troubles.
We won't listen, but it helps to confide in somebody.
I'm worried about Nora.
Nora BATTY? Of course! I wouldn't worry about ANY Nora.
Are you sure? If I was going to worry about a Nora, I'd start with an easier one.
I wonder sometimes if she's happy.
Happy(?) Nora Batty? The world expert on cold rice pudding? Eat thy bun.
What do you want to make her happy for? She'd only be miserable.
Me and Nora go back a long way.
She can't go back far enough when you're near.
That happens to be the way of a good woman.
Tell him, Norm.
I'm not qualified on the ways of women.
They seem to be a tough breed, but baffling.
I admire the way they frighten people and mend hoovers, but I always feel more at home with the goldfish.
I've seen it coming.
Come on, tell us.
What have you seen coming, Gypsy Rose Simmonite? Her neglected mood.
A GOOD mood's the only one she's ever neglected.
Her neglected mood.
A GOOD mood's the only one she's ever neglected.
I don't want her losing interest in life.
No-one who enjoys hearing about sudden death will ever lose interest in LIFE.
She's also a regular contributor to all those stories about sudden BIRTHS.
I knew it were coming.
She feels neglected.
For a damned good reason.
If you want someone to neglect, she's ideal.
One of the nicest, most placid, most restful relationships I've ever had was with a goldfish.
I've expected it since Marilyn Monroe.
I couldn't get over what a shame it was that that attractive lass had to die thinking nobody cared.
Well, it's not going to happen to Nora Batty.
I expect a few things happened to Marilyn Monroe that won't happen to Nora Batty.
It won't happen because I'm going to make sure she knows I'm there.
I think she knows you're there.
Wrong! People get too close.
They take thee for granted.
Suddenly you become invisible.
Promises, promises! Your being invisible could be a major improvement.
Things are going to alter.
I'm going to improve my image.
Not till my floor's dry! We'll improve your image in good time.
There may not be THAT much time.
How's learning the business going? There's a lot to it.
It can make your head hurt, learning a business.
See if that floor's dry! See what I mean? You expect washing up and waiting, but the trouble with trainee management is they keep whopping you with things like seeing if the floor's dry.
And I wish she wouldn't make me wear a frock.
Aaaagghhh! What's up, Crush? Obviously he's in pain.
It looks like a slipped disc.
It's a splinter.
Or a splinter.
In the back of me neck.
In the back of his neck.
How the hell did he get one there? He's been blackberrying with that coloured bird.
What coloured bird? Her hair looks like a set of traffic lights.
Where are you going now? To look at Crusher's splinter.
You believe in throwing yourself into every new experience.
I do.
I reckon it's dry.
I'm going to tell her it's dry.
I'm going to tell her it's NEARLY dry.
I'm going to tell her it's so nearly dry that even if it's still wet she couldn't blame anybody for saying it was dry.
Pardon? Owwwwww! Don't touch it! I'm not an amateur twallop when it comes to splinters.
I know about splinters.
Aaaagghhh! Should WE look? I'm not looking at somebody's splinter.
I may not have done much in life but at least I haven't done that.
Aaaaahh! He's in pain.
I'd better look.
Don't let him poke it! It may be necessary to use a needle.
A needle? No-o-o! You're like a lovelorn bullock! Last person I saw move like that was a bird called Fragrance.
Wh-oo-oo! By heck, she could shift.
You had to watch where you put HER down! You never knew a bird called Fragrance.
I DID! I met her next door to my Auntie's.
She was building a wall.
Sounds like a match made in heaven! Oh, you should have seen her with a shovel.
You remember the little things.
She went in search of happiness on an oil-rig.
I wrote to her several times but she never sent me any money.
Better have a brief examination.
Get a table, will you.
Can't you take him outside to a garage or something? Timing is essential.
The lad needs an experienced view on when to use the needle.
No! He's not going to hurt thee.
Here, hold my hand.
He's talking about using a NEEDLE! You have to use a needle.
You're not using a needle! It's the only way.
You'll have this brief moment of agony and then this wonderful feeling of ease.
If you use a needle you'll get "this wonderful feeling" of having your neck squeezed in these! I'm very grateful to you for this second opinion.
It may not be necessary to use the needle.
CRUSHER! Down! Down! Well, it's a very average splinter as English splinters go.
I've seen them as big as tent pegs out East.
They used to send for me.
I was only a Corporal Signwriter but I had a selection of fine nibs that were excellent for probing.
YAOWLL! Milburn! Get your neck away from those people! I wish she wouldn't call me Milburn.
I'm trying to train our Milburn.
He's learning the business.
Which shows you the problem I have.
Razor-sharp he's not.
He's already good at being a silly beggar.
He doesn't need YOU silly beggars.
You shouldn't lead him astray.
Exposing his foreign bodies in a catering establishment! Well? I couldn't hear anything.
I bet she couldn't either! I've never in all me life been told I play me wireless too loud! You're sure you couldn't hear it? Not a squeak.
But how good is your hearing? Oh, I've good hearing.
Are you sure? What? Oh, get in! You go in there and leave the volume where it is for a bit.
Then turn it up a bit.
Just a bit.
Have you got that? I'm not stupid.
You said you weren't hard-of-hearing! What? Get in and shut the door! What makes you think Nora Batty is at a crisis in her life? I just know.
I'm on that woman's wavelength.
Like atmospheric interference? Emotionally we're very close.
I've never heard such rubbish! Tell him, Norm.
He's sexless! He's just a great big neutered prong.
He's no idea about that special man-woman thing.
I have a very clear recollection of that special man-woman thing! Who with? None of your business.
The lady occupies a very warm place in my affections and she shall remain nameless.
I'd love to see wreaking havoc with the birds! I'm afraid I can't help you there.
To me, women are not only a closed book, I can't even read the label on the spine.
Come on! You were married! Only on the surface.
I sort of drifted into marriage.
Almost painlessly.
In those days, once she'd taken your arm in public you never really got it back.
You could say that I HAD to get married.
WHAT? She wouldn't take no for an answer.
She swept me off myretreat.
I thought the marriage worked reasonably well And then she died Which I've always felt was a sort ofcriticism.
What was all that about? II haven't the faintest idea.
What did I tell thee? Look at her! See how restless she is? Uptight? Uptight counts as normal for Nora.
Ah, never like THIS.
I must say she always struck me as being a triflepeculiar.
That is definitely a crisis.
What are you three gaping at!? That's all I need! Play somewhere else! And don't YOU come here complaining about me and Jimmy Young! I just want you to know, Nora, that somebody cares.
What's he on about!? Is he looking at me legs!? No! I've told you before! If you want me to look at thy legs do something about them stockings! You cheeky monkey! What's he doing? What's THAT for? Shut up, and put it in a vase.
I want to tell thee, Nora - I may be entering the marathon.
And if I do, I want thee to know, I shall be doing it just for thee.
My little popcorn.
He lets them damn ferrets everywhere.
I expect you'll be able to do that in half a minute.
Half a minute? I'm fast, aren't I? Why the hell do I have to start with a steep hill like that? I know what I'm doing.
You're wearing me out, that's what! There's so little time for training that we have to start the hard way.
We? WE? I shall be there with you mentally sweating it out.
He does talk some cack! Everyone should have a second language(!) Once I've got you used to hills the level bits will be a holiday.
He's going to be really ready for that holiday.
Come along, that man! He's not found any rhythm yet.
Rhythm, man, rhythm! He should be here by now.
Maybe he's had a coronary.
Why should he have a coronary? The way he was breathing, he could have been training for a coronary.
There you have it.
He's not exactly in peak condition.
If I had him for about 3 months I could bring him up to unfit(!) It's me knees, me KNEES! I've given me knees for Nora Batty! Hold his shoulders.
Hold them.
YAWOOL! We'll have to try something else.
Leave it to me.
Norman! There's a method for everything if you use the old grey matter.
If you don't mind, I'd rather not look.
I understand.
Not everyone would wish to look.
I think I'm better now.
Do you know the way to Chesterfield? Don't ask ME about foreign travel.
I've an old army colleague there.
I say, I think I'm better now.
It suddenly occured to me I've no idea how to get to Chesterfield.
With me it was being popular at parties.
I had no idea how to be popular at parties.
Hey up! If Wedgie-Benn can find it I expect anybody can.
I'm bored.
I'm fed up.
I'm teed off with this.
I'm teed off with this.
I really am teed off with this! YARRGHH! DRUNKEN REVELRY There was a man who had a wife And she was double-jointed That's enough.
You'll waken the neighbours up with that filth.
I'll say this for science.
Three pints ease the bruises.
Three? You had FIVE.
Hey up! I bet he had his stopwatch on that! He could make it five and a bit.
Oh, Norm! You're an angel in a plastic mac.
We're not drinking in the street! We'll find somewhere quiet.
SOUND OF COLLISION AND RAISED VOICES Howard! What were you doing in there with Marina? I was teaching this lady the rudiments of jogging by night.
Norman Clegg that was! That IS! Get her off, get her off! You put your efforts into training and people come barging in! It's the last place you'd expect to stumble into a pair of joggers! Merciful heavens! What's up with him? This is just a lover's temporary ailment.
You hear about those things.
Come on.
I don't like breaking training.
You're looking well, Norman.
Not really.
It's just a brewer's temporary flush.
It suits you.
Oh! How long has Howard been a jogger? As often as he can get away from Pearl.
Do you think she'll still love me, walking like this? Are you sure you want to wake her up? I've GOT to wake her up.
II've got to explain.
Hey up, it's me.
Donald Duck.
Nora, I'm not in the marathon.
It's not that I don't care.
I'm always here when you need me.
Oh, come on, Nora.
Give us a sign.
# When you walk through a storm # Keep your head held high # Hey up.
Here you are.