Modern Family s08e05 Episode Script

1 [Doorbell rings.]
Great.
The karaoke machine.
Thanks, Uncle Mitch.
It's Cam's, and he loves it.
He's never more than two glasses of wine away from treating us all to an impromptu concert.
It's 100 bucks if you break it.
- Really? - Do you want more? Who's America's favorite TV mom? Could it be June Cleaver? That must make me the Beaver.
I can't hear too well.
How hard is Luke laughing? Don't waste this gold on me.
Get over to the Hendersons' party, put your keys in a bowl, do the Hustle.
Relax.
Your uncool parents aren't gonna hang around your party and make it all lame.
Of course not.
Hey.
I just heard a story about a kid who had an unsupervised party and one of the guests broke his leg because he jumped off the roof onto a trampoline and sued the parents.
We have a trampoline.
And a roof.
I need to know that you're joking.
Mom, I have everything under control.
[Laughing.]
Claire, come on! He's a responsible young man! Have a little faith in your son.
These are all the emergency numbers.
That's Fire, Police, Poison Control, Homeland Security.
You're in charge.
I mean, unless you happen to have other plans.
Yeah, let's just pretend I partied too hard last night.
You're an animal.
- Mitch: Ugh! - Hmm? - Dang it! - What's wrong? Is this flower straight? I don't know.
Oh! [Laughs.]
Halloween prank! That's payback from last year.
A Pritchett always pays his debts.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
The Friedmans' pool party.
[Laughing.]
That's what I say.
[Laughs.]
What is -- Classic.
The old fly in the plastic ice cube gag.
Very funny! Very -- No! Ha, ha! You're melting! You're melting! I did the ice cube.
Well, now you're the one who's wet.
Not really.
Most of it's on the floor.
[Thud.]
Phil, are you okay? I'm fine.
Yeah.
Hey, you know what the Beaver said when he slipped in water? - Damn it? - Damn it.
Jay, as a Catholic, I do not feel right about this.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
It's the perfect family costume.
It doesn't even make sense.
Joe should be the Jesus.
Yeah! "Joe" short for "Joseph.
" "Jay" short for "Jaysus.
" It's the only way it makes sense.
- But he's the child.
- You're overthinking it.
Huh? You get who this is, right? Harriet Tub Man? Oh, Joyce Carol Floats.
Farrah Faucet, spelled F-A-U -- Yeah, I get it.
And why are you only guessing women? I'm Dalton Trumbo, blacklisted screenwriter, wrote in a bathtub.
I'm a little worried that because of the movie, a lot of people will have this costume.
I think you're good.
Nobody going to Luke's party will ever be able to figure out that costume.
Yeah, that's why I'm going to a different party.
You're not skipping Luke's party to go to someone else's.
There's going to be a million people at Luke's.
He's not going to care whether or not I attend.
Manny, is this because Luke beat you for class president? Why can't you get over this devastating humiliation? Because something keeps me reminding me.
But it has nothing to do with that.
Sophie Chambers is throwing a party with a much more sophisticated crow-- You're not going to any party thrown by any member of that crooked Earl Chambers family.
That bastard stole my closet company right out from under me! No, no, no, no, no.
Don't say the word "bastard" when you're dressed like Jesus! And you -- never turn your back on family.
My cousin Gomez skipped my other cousin Gomez's party, and my cousin Gomez felt completely stabbed in the back.
- Because he -- - Because he was.
Come on.
The party's going to be at Sophie's grandpa's mansion.
It's the social event of the season.
You're going to Luke's! That's not fair! You heard your mother! You're going to Luke's! [Softly.]
- You're going to Earl's.
- What? You're gonna put dead fish in his shoes.
And I'm gonna cover for you if your mother gets suspicious.
Where am I going to hide fish? You're in a bathtub! - Happy Halloween! Thank you.
- Happy Halloween.
- They just took one, right? - Yes.
How much candy do we have to hand out before I go trick-or-treating? Can't I just take a knife and go by myself? No! No one would mess with me.
I told you she was too young for "West Side Story.
" - Hmm.
- W-What are you doing? What? It's my one and only candy bar for the night.
No more Snickers.
If you don't want to hear any more snickers [Laughing.]
then don't pretend that's your last candy bar.
Cam doesn't react well to candy.
Which is why I never eat it.
Except on Halloween.
And I admit, in years past, I may have overindulged.
Which leads to a crazy high followed by a tearful, self-loathing crash.
It's a Days of Red Vines and Roses.
Trick or treat! Yep, just take one.
[Chuckles.]
[Laugh maniacally.]
I know that laugh.
Not this year.
Drop it.
You're crazy.
Yeah, crazy for justice! And just because you're dressed like a villain doesn't mean you have to act like one! Oh, my God.
Can you believe that? Yes, a 9-year-old kid wanting extra candy on Halloween.
Oh, it is baffling.
Speaking of 9-year-olds wanting candy on Halloween Okay, just a second, honey.
Cam, maybe grabbing a kid's arm is where we draw the line.
I think I read that in every single law book.
This sounds like something we could be talking about on the sidewalk.
Okay, just a second, honey.
You know what, Mitchell? That same little jerk grabs a handful of candy every year.
He's my Halloween nemesis.
There is a social contract.
You say "trick or treat," you get one piece of candy.
That breaks down, we're just a hop, skip, and a jump to a lawless wasteland where we use beads and teeth for money! That was your first candy bar, you say? You think maybe you should have a little protein to balance that out? I don't need any protein.
Oh! I feel like the universe is telling you differently.
Who did that?! [Darth Vader laughs maniacally.]
He went that way! Past all the houses handing out candy! I'm on it! No, see, his name is Joe.
Yeah, but wouldn't the child be Jesus? [Cellphone rings.]
I got to take this.
Tell her what we're doing with this.
My husband is going to hell and he's trying to take us with him.
Hello? [Dance music playing in distance.]
Okay, I'm in Earl's bedroom.
Do you want me to show you his shoes so you can pick which ones I shove fish into? Follow your heart, kid.
Wait a minute.
What's that? What? That picture on the wall behind you.
What is that? Let me see it.
David Soul played Hutch in "Starsky and Hutch.
" Now, one of my groovier closet ideas was a hutch for your skis that latched onto the end of your closet.
I called it the "Storeski End Hutch.
" David Soul gave me a signed picture.
Well, one day, the picture disappears and Earl plays innocent.
But the whole time, he's had it.
Ironically, this would've been a great episode in "Starsky and Hutch.
" Steal that picture! But what about the fish? Forget the fish! Oh, so, for no reason, I've just been carrying around this red herring? I want that picture.
[Sighs.]
You want it, you steal it.
I still have some self-respect.
- Gloria, you won't believe this.
- What? That was Claire.
Manny never showed up at Luke's party.
They think he went to Sophie's.
So disappointed in him.
I know, and I hate to drive over there and drag him to Luke's, but I know better than to try to stop you.
I feel bad about embarrassing him, but I was very clear about this.
Well, maybe next time he'll get the picture.
[Chuckles.]
Why did you just chuckle like that? Nothing.
The -- The beard tickles.
Come on, I'll drive.
- Here you go.
- Sorry I forgot that, buddy.
I would have grabbed it myself, but we were trying to respect the whole "no parents" thing.
Also, how would it look if I went into your party looking for some tail? [Chuckles.]
I'm gonna reuse that later.
Act surprised.
Yeah.
Hey, honey.
How's it going in there? Huh? Oh.
Awesome.
Yeah, I got to go.
I know you were going to say that I'm being a neurotic, overly protective mom, but I -- I saw that, too.
Something's up with Luke.
You think he's in over his head? I should check on him.
Should I check on him? I should check on him.
You are never sexier than when you out-crazy me.
Don't let anyone see you.
I am way a head of you.
Aah! Shh! I'm not a real beaver! It's me -- Dad! Ugh.
What are you doing? I just wanted to make sure everything's okay.
Luke seems upset.
Where is everybody? Are people upstairs? I said nobody upstairs! Nobody's upstairs.
Nobody's even downstairs.
They are literally like five people here.
Oh! Hello, my dearest.
Ugh.
Well, four, and Reuben.
I see your costume is The Most Beautiful Woman in the World.
Shut up, Reuben.
You make everything terrible.
And we're off.
Don't flatter yourself! Just because I'm alone on Halloween doesn't mean I don't have plenty of suitors! Last week, an Uber driver asked to see my feet! Reuben, are you listening to me?! Reuben! One last one.
Good.
'Cause you're vibrating right now.
With rage -- Not sugar, rage.
Hello.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Have you seen a little brat about this tall dressed as Darth Vader? Throws eggs.
Laughs like this -- He-he-he-he-he-he! Find him yourself.
You're Batman.
That one's on my list.
I don't think there's any more room.
I'm gonna go throw away these apples and make space for more candy.
Cam, I feel terrible that you got hit with an egg, but you're ruining the night for Lily.
Do you have to nurse every single grudge? - I don't do that.
- Are you kidding me? You have more archenemies than the actual Batman.
How about that sales lady who helped you with the scarf? She implied my neck was the problem.
The Spanish teacher you've been working with? He calls me "locos frijoles" like I don't know what that means.
- It's "crazy beans," right? - Yes, it is.
Oh, and don't forget about Andrew from your old choir.
He stole my piano key scarf, which is why I had to go into the stupid scarf store to begin with! [Inhales deeply.]
Okay, you know what? Maybe I do have an overdeveloped sense of justice.
- Thank you.
- But maybe I wouldn't if my partner took my side every once in a while.
I take your side when I agree with you.
That's easy.
Anybody can do that.
Marriage is about sticking up for your partner, even when you don't agree with him.
Is it? Do you remember last week at lunch when they brought you regular fries and you insisted that you ordered sweet potato fries? Well, guess what.
You ordered regular fries.
No, I didn't.
You absolutely did.
And I stuck up for you because I love you.
And because you love sweet potato fries.
- Hey, Dad.
- What? There's that kid you hate.
Holy Halloween.
There he is.
Hey! You! Stop! No.
He's getting away! Ow! [Groaning.]
Stupid cape! Oh, poor Luke.
He must be crushed.
It's not as easy to pack a high-school party as it was in our day, Claire.
Apparently, it's no longer cool for kids to invite teachers or parents.
It makes my heart hurt.
I mean, people like him, don't they? Why wouldn't they? He's by far the most likable of all our children.
Then why didn't anybody come to his party? Because they're all at Sophie Chambers' party.
- Who? - A kid in Luke's class.
I'm Facebook friends with her brother 'cause he used to sell me wee-gs.
Wigs.
That's how he pronounces it.
He's British.
When are you guys gonna talk, huh? Luke worked so hard on this party.
He made his own costume, did all the decorations.
He even thought he hid that bottle of Peppermint Schnapps under his bed.
This is the kind of thing that could ruin his first senior year.
Wait! I can help! Are we forgetting what I do for a living? Huh? Uh, we remember.
You pretend to be friends with celebrities.
So you can sell h-- hats? I'm a promoter.
I can go to Sophie's and talk up Luke's party.
- In an hour, it'll be packed.
- Great! While you do that, I'm gonna get the party started.
What -- No, no.
A dad hanging around will only make that party lamer.
Um, a dad, maybe.
But not Rod Skyhook, yo! The coolest new transfer student ever! Oh, wait.
What do cool kids call girls nowadays? Bettys? Shawties? Don't worry.
There are none in there.
Okay.
What, what? Whoo! Doobie, doobie, do, Ba Doobie, doobie I'm glad my hypoglycemia doesn't prevent me from filling up on eye candy.
Sorry.
I can't hear you.
I'm listening to a message from the sexiest professor in the physics department.
Let's just say he got drunk after a symposium last year and asked me to wheel him home.
Thanks for inviting me to your party, brah! Sweet jams.
Where are all the fillies at?! - Dad? - Dad? I'm Rod Skyhook -- recent transfer student, yo! What's that knockin'? Oh, it's me, about to get this party rockin'! Oh, God.
It's all good up under the hood, biznatches! Pretty soon, every kid in here's gonna call everyone they know, tell them to get their butts down here.
You want to gas up the foot traffic -- - I'm not inviting parents.
- Your party, broseph! Sorry, Jack.
I'm gonna need some beats! ['80s hip-hop plays.]
[Indistinct conversations.]
[Dance music plays.]
Rambo? No, Trumbo.
Dalton Trumbo.
He wrote in the bathtub.
Why? Maybe, as a screenwriter, he knew he was going to take a bath on the back end.
[Chuckles.]
You smell like fish.
Oh, my God, you guys.
This party's such a snore.
I should have stayed at Luke Dunphy's party.
That was going off! Isn't he the guy that ate a jar of mayonnaise for a dollar? Probably 'cause he's a wild man.
That's why his parties are always insane.
Look, it's really exclusive, but I could probably get you guys down on the list.
Really? Who's there? Uh, just everyone.
Luke Rod Skyhook.
Haley D! Oh! Griffin.
Hey.
What are you doing at my sister's party? Oh, nothing.
Just -- Just something for my mom.
Wow, it's so good to see you.
You, uh, still in the sales industry? [Chuckles.]
Guilty.
How guilty? That is a costume, right? Yeah.
I went legit.
I work for a dispensary.
I deliver.
Oh, my God! I forgot how much I like you.
[Laughs.]
- Did you say Dumbo? - No, Trumbo.
Little background.
In the 1950s, a certain senator from Wisconsin named Joe McCarthy -- Hey! Let's dance! Oh, okay.
Mom? You said that you were going to Luke's.
Yeah, but Jay said -- Don't you say a word, mister! I will deal with you later.
Jay said I could come to the party if I put dead fish in Earl's shoes.
Where does he come up with this stuff? Are you lying, dressed as our Lord and Savior? What is that? Did you steal that? No.
I've had this with me all night.
You're lying again! Manny, don't stand next to him! Pritchett! - Ay! - Aah! Look what you did! What the hell do you think you're doing? We're just leaving, Earl! That Soul is mine.
Ay! Give it back! When Hell freezes over! - Argh! - Ahh! As soon as they stop fighting about whatever stupid new thing that they're fighting about, we're getting the car and we're going to Luke's.
I'm not really in the mood for another party.
Well, I wasn't in the mood to insult God tonight, but the Bible also said, "Listen to your husband.
" I'm very tense about this, so don't fight me! And get in the car.
I won't fit in.
We'll take this bathtub and put it in the roof.
No.
I won't fit in at the party.
Nobody gets me, Mom, and I'm starting to worry nobody ever will.
Who cares that the kids your age don't get you? That means that you're more interesting than them.
That means that you're gonna be hanging out around people that are more interesting.
- You're gonna have a more inter-- - Interesting life.
Yes, I know.
I've been hearing this speech since I was 5.
When's it gonna happen? Jesus has the devil in a headlock.
That's not interesting to you? Jay: No! [Groaning.]
This is mine! I'm the one who came up with "Storeski End Hutch.
" Just like I came up with the "Dr.
Quinn Medicine Cabinet.
" You were the hack! I was the visionary! Jay: I saw my reflection and I asked myself -- What would Jesus do? It's time to be the bigger man.
[Exhales sharply.]
This isn't over, Pritchett.
I don't want to do this anymore.
Wh-- What are you saying? This has gone on too long.
The lies, the anger.
And what I left in your sock drawer tonight.
What? Keep the picture, Earl.
I forgive you.
It's gonna drive that son of a bitch crazy.
[Chuckles.]
[Dance music plays.]
Haley.
I have been waiting for over an hour, and not a single person has left this party.
Oh, my God, this is the best sushi I've ever had.
For the first time, I can taste the yellowtail from the sea and then the rice from the land, then back to the sea for the seaweed.
Looks like you did more than just seaweed.
Mom, you're beautiful.
Does Dad tell you that enough? [Voice breaking.]
I would hate to see - a cleaver in your head for real.
- No.
Honey.
- Sarah? - Mrs.
Dunphy.
Is that a beer? It's not mine.
Please don't tell my parents.
That's when I realized I didn't need Haley to undermine a party.
I just needed to drop the Mom-bomb.
Don't you two look cozy.
Remember, it's not easy raising a baby by yourself.
Oh, look at that! That's a fun way to serve Jell-O.
Let me get a pic for your moms.
No? Come on! [Dance music plays.]
Okay.
Ooh! [Volume lowers.]
Isn't that better? Now we can all see and hear each other.
Nice, huh? You got a little something -- Who are you, and what are you doing at my party? Just making sure everybody's having a good, clean, safe time.
Somebody's talked to you all about herpes, right? Let's just go to that other kid's party.
You know, I made out with Rod Skyhook once.
He's obsessed with me.
Hey, remember last week when we all had lunch together -- You ordered the regular fries and Daddy lied for you.
Damn it.
Wait.
There he is.
Darth Vader! Freeze! Okay.
[Grunts.]
Hey, there, fellas.
You're a little old, aren't you? [Panting.]
Your son -- He hit me with an egg.
No, I didn't! And he yelled at me.
Whoa, whoa.
You yelled at my son? He took a handful of candy and laughed.
He does it every year.
So? So how does it feel? Well, it feels like you took about 17 cents worth of candy.
He said he didn't egg you.
Are we done here? He's lying.
No, I'm not.
Look, buddy.
I don't know who egged you, but I can understand why.
A kid takes a little extra candy and you chased him home? He's 9.
How old are you, Batman? 50? [Gasps.]
What kind of person does that? I will -- I will tell you what kind of person.
Someone who believes in a civilized society, who believes that the future of our country depends on the lessons that we teach our children.
"What kind of person," sir? A hero.
I didn't do it! Oh, come on.
We heard you laughing! 'Cause the blonde lady with an Axe in her head threw an egg at you.
- Blonde lady? - Axe? That squirting flower really yanked my chain.
Could not go unanswered.
Oh! Close enough.
Who did that?! [Laughs maniacally.]
Lily: He went that way! Well, that was embarrassing.
No, it wasn't.
It was magnificent.
You stood up for me.
[Voice breaking.]
Sometimes I just feel like it's me versus the entire world.
It's just nice to know that we really are a a dynamic duo.
All right.
Now we play candy crash.
Okay.
[Hip-hop music plays.]
Give me some space, son.
[Cheering.]
That's how we do, sucka! Is it just my imagination, or is Dad actually saving your lame party? Is it just my imagination, or is Reuben's makeup on your chin? I have a problem.
Oh! Sorry.
Oh, okay.
I'm so sorry.
Don't be.
This is the most a girl's danced with me all night.
[Chuckles.]
I love your Dalton Trumbo.
Thank you, Dorothy Parker.
You're the first person tonight who's actually gotten that.
I know how that feels.
Phil: Yo, yo, yo! Awesome rager on the ground floor! Upstairs off-limits! Backyard, too, 'cause it just got re-sodded! What's up, buddy? [Scoffs.]
Typical high-school idiot.
I fear for this country.
Well, I think it's safe to say that things here are appropriately out of control.
Oh, yeah -- Oh, wow.
And I think you might have lost your deposit on that thing.
[Sighs.]
Hmm.
How come you never tell me I'm beautiful anymore? - Oh! - Mitchell: Damn it.
Cameron: Oh, just let me throw already.
Hey, gorgeous! Look what I turned this water into.
Jay, enough.
Halloween is over.
Come on.
The night is young.
Why don't we go begat it on? I'm not going to fool around with someone dressed like Jesus.
Gloria, you're being silly.
Am I? I once dated a guy named Jesús.
There was no harvest that year.
Is that the same year your uncle got drunk and planted marbles? Who do you think made him do that? Gloria, all due respect, I think the big guy has better things to worry about than two sexy, you know -- I'm gonna change into something a little more secular.
[Praying in Spanish.]