Roseanne s08e05 Episode Script

( harmonica wails ) The Conners' annual seance To reach the spirit world is about to begin.
Eeny meeny chili beanie, The spirits are about to speak.
Hey, the table's taking off! Mark, Mark, relax.
Mr.
Conner is doing it.
He does it every year.
Spirits, speak.
Now is the time.
It's getting hard to make things rhyme.
If it does not fit, you must acquit.
well, since my baby left me i've found a new place to dwell - it's down at the end of lonely street - Roseanne: elvis! At heartbreak hotel.
thank you very much.
Now i'd like to do one for my mama.
Elvis? Elvis? Yeah? Lisa marie married michael jackson.
But now we must make an offering to the spirits.
Mrs.
Conner, you're not gonna open those eggs, are you? Yeah, honey, they've been sitting there for like seven years.
It must be done, I cannot stop, I'm being controlled from the other side.
Ugh! You know what? Holidays here are just wrong.
Hey, D.
J.
, You stay on lighted streets and be home by 10:00.
Hi.
( theme music playing ) ( laughs ) ( cackling ) Greetings, it is I, the wicked witch of the midwest.
Oh yeah? Well, I am Sofia, queen of the gypsies, Consort of wizards, Seer of souls.
But I can fly on a broom and I can turn children into stone And I can put a spell on you.
No one can put a spell on sofia, I'm wearing my anti-spell repellent.
Oh, but I can, Because paper covers rock and witch beats gypsy.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Well, I know what beats witch! - i'm melting.
- ( mimics water spraying ) I'm melting.
But you have underestimated my arsenal.
I will select the Cheese ray! Too bad for you I have a cheese-ray deflector! Drat! Enough of this childish nonsense.
Arm yourself.
En garde! Join me and rule with me on the dark side, luke.
Never! ( both mimicking lightsabers ) Ah! Ha! ( laughing ) Ah! ( screams ) ( yelling ) Remember me, Jackie? Not Mrs.
Butterworth? Remember how when you were a little girl, Your sister Roseanne told you how I came to life - at night in the cupboard? - don't do it.
Roseanne, don't do it.
- remember how I used to - stop it.
Chase you around even though I have no legs? Stop it, Roseanne, stop it.
Well, i'm back and all I want is one more little sticky kiss.
( screaming ) ( organ playing ) Bow down, all of you.
Bow down to the power of the ouija.
Focus all energy on this magical conduit, Its board derived from ancient goatskin stretched taut In the mesopotamian sun, Its pointer hewn from diamonds.
It says "made by parker brothers.
" All hail brothers parker! All hail brothers parker! All right, that's it.
I mean this is stupid.
Seances, the ouija board-- I mean, what's the point? The point? The point is that on this one special night - of the year - ( humming ) The veil is lifted between the living And the dead.
- and only on this one night - ( Dan imitates wind ) Can we contact those in the other world And summon them here.
( howling ) - ( Roseanne laughing ) - i've got homework! ( doorbell rings ) Kids: trick or treat, smell my feet give me something good to eat.
Hi.
Oh my god.
This house is so warm and cozy! I love it.
Oh, thank you so much.
You are nice nice nice.
Hey, this is like deja vu all over again.
Bye-bye.
Both: bye, happy Halloween.
Bye.
Gee, I wish we had a daughter that sweet.
Just wasn't in the cards, honey.
Look at this.
This is all pure sugar.
Nuh-uh, there's chemicals in there too.
Keeps it nice and fresh.
It's disgusting.
Come on, we should be giving children what their bodies need.
Here.
They need this.
- what the hell is that? - Dan: wait a minute, honey.
I've seen this before.
It-- it's food that doesn't come in wrappers.
- that's unsanitary.
- ( doorbell rings ) All: trick or treat.
Hey, guys.
Now who wants the plum? Here.
Apple for you.
And a nectarine, okay.
Happy Halloween, you guys.
David? David, you want to close that door real fast.
Why? - Dan: stupid.
( blows raspberry ) - ( doorbell rings ) Halloween rush hour! Oh, what a cute little hot dog.
Hold on, lady.
Sign this.
"candy provider is fully liable for any dental damage Caused by aforementioned confections.
" I'm not signing that.
I'm gonna sue you so fast that you're gonna need johnny Cockson To Hold on, lady! Sign-- whoops.
Sign this.
I'm gonna sue you so fast that you're gonna need johnny cochran to That's the scariest costume all night.
( doorbell rings ) Who are you supposed to be? Who am I? I'm Ed mcmahon.
You won our special Halloween jackpot.
Okay.
What is a refrigerator, a poolside dressing room And Ed mcmahon? "a refrigerator, a poolside dressing room And Ed mcmahon?" What is an amana, a cabana and a famous second banana? ( doorbell rings ) - ( screams ) - what is it? It's hideous.
It's so scary.
( both scream ) - very funny, everyone.
- ( doorbell rings ) I'm surprised all that screaming Didn't scare off this gale of children coming up after me.
Hey, you've got a whole gaggle out there? David, come on, it's showtime.
Oh goodie! I'm just in time for the fun and frolic.
What's the trick? What's the trick? Don't ask.
Just let the fun carry you away.
Oh.
This is just like mummenschanz! ( Dan chuckles ) Kids: wow! Awesome, cool! - that's awesome.
- wow! - awesome.
- that's cool! Wow! Cool! Bev: oh what fun! I'm wearing black.
Let me try! ( makes eerie sounds ) ( kids all laughing ) ( Dan laughing ) Bev: oh what silly fun! But why did all those children run away so quickly? Oh, i'm guessing you took Their sears catalogue experience to the next level.
Want a soda? Okay! But make mine sprite Because that's what I am! Cool.
Alone at last.
Just you, me and the spirits of the netherworld.
Two people unafraid to discover the hidden answers To the world's most terrifying questions.
Let's ask it something very important.
Oh, spirits Roseanne, don't move it.
You haven't even asked it a question yet.
- i'm not moving it.
- i'm not moving it.
Roseanne: oh my god.
It's going by itself.
"t-h E-d.
" "thed.
" What's "thed"? Wait, there's more.
T-h-e-d E-a-d.
It stopped.
( gasps ) "thede ad.
" It's telling us "thede ad"! No no, it's spelling "the dead.
" ( gasps ) Oh, dead-- if it's okay to call you that-- Speak to us, tell us your message.
Ask it a question.
Okay.
Um When am I gonna have my baby? N O Jackie: November! W! Now-vember.
You're having it in now-vember.
No, Jackie, no.
I'm-- i'm having it Now! ( monitor beeping ) Hmm, looks like this baby's in a hurry.
You're already at 6cm.
Whoa! What's going on here? It's just a skeleton costume.
We're having a little Halloween party for some of the patients.
This is the problem with hmos, You can never pick your own doctor.
( sighs ) Oh my god, it's a turtle.
Just focus on your breathing.
Roseanne's voice: okay, focus.
( exhales ) It's just a Halloween party.
It's just a Halloween party.
Hey.
You must have won best costume.
She must be hallucinating from the demerol.
Roseanne's voice: that's it.
I'm hallucinating or something.
A human doctor Oh relax, lady.
I'm a bear.
I just dress like a human for Halloween.
All right, people, let's go! Masks, gloves, shin guards.
Okay, lady.
Hum it in here, baby.
Roseanne's voice: come on, I can do better than this.
I've had better hallucinations after too much m.
S.
G.
Don't even think about doing the disappearing-quarter bit.
Ow.
Okay, concentrate.
Breathe.
What am I supposed to do now? Oh.
Oh yeah.
Focus on my happy place.
Where's my happy place? My happiest place My happiest place.
Halloween.
( deep raspy voice ) welcome to the tunnel of terror.
( laughs ) Please, join us.
Good evening.
I'm et cetera, Your tour guide through the tunnel of terror.
This is the master's laboratory, Where he does his research.
Ah! There's the master now Or is that just one of his experiments? Got an aspirin? I've got a splitting headache! Ah! - ( kids scream ) - run! I wouldn't go too near the chef if I was you.
- you might end up being the main course! - ( yelling ) Would you like to try some of our delicious - intestinal stew? - down! Down! Let go! Let go! Follow me! da-da da-da da da! well, I come from six feet under with a dead guy on my knee i'm heading down to hades for to spend eternity hey there, dead guy, I think it's plain to see we bought a cardboard casket and the worms have eaten me.
Darlene, you're not even ready.
We're gonna be leaving any minute.
I don't feel so good.
- well, what's wrong? - it's my stomach.
Oh, oh my god! No! Ah! ( imitates baby crying ) So what, do you want some pepto-bismol or something? Has anybody got a light? So, uh, this the whole thing? This is what we've been waiting for? Oh no, Dan, no.
This is what you've been waiting for.
( fire alarm ringing ) ( all scream ) Happy Halloween! ( laughing ) Well, old danny boy's not falling for the old Fred-is-gay prank.
You did a lot better when you got that doctor To tell your mom she only had a week to live.
Dan, that is not my prank Because this is my prank.
Wow, good prank, Roseanne.
Mrs.
Conner, can I get down now? I can't feel my toes.
Oh my god! Go away! Go away! Leave us alone.
We are as god made us.
Okay, I propose a toast to the all-time greatest prank In the history of the universe.
I'm just so ashamed.
I have nothing to top that with.
Oh, except For Roseanne's voice: skeletons, roses and bears, Oh my.
The ouija board wasn't sending me a message from the dead.
It was sending me a message from Hello, Roseanne.
"the dead.
" I get it now.
It's jerry garcia.
That's right, Roseanne.
I'm glad you're here.
I was really sad when you died.
No need to be sad.
Up here in the clouds, well It's even better than the clouds at home over my audience.
Why'd you come here? I have a message for you.
From god? No, from me.
Oh.
Well, that's okay too.
The message is: What we need is magic and bliss And myth and celebration and religion.
We need spiritual connection to each other.
Well, That's great.
Thanks, jerry.
Bye, Roseanne.
See you later.
I mean, a lot later, I hope.
Oh wait, one more thing.
Why do I have this 25-lb baby? You're still dreaming, Roseanne.
But hey, go with it.
( "my sisters and brothers" playing ) I want to say to my sisters and my brothers keep the faith when the storm flies and the wind blows go on at a steady pace when the battle is fought and the victory is won we can all shout together, "we have overcome" we'll talk to the father and the son when we make it to the promised land when we walk together little children we don't ever have to worry through this world of trouble we've got to love one another then let's take our fellow man by the hand try to help him to understand we can all be together - Dan? - you okay, honey? You were out of it there for a while, Rosie, But you did real good.
Oh, he's gorgeous.
Hello there.
I'm your mommy And I love you.
I didn't call you any horrible names back there, did I? No more than usual.
Cool.
You know what, Dan? I want to name him jerry garcia conner.
- ( baby coos ) - cool.
Our bible reads "thou shall not be afraid of the terror by night nor the arrow that flies by day nor for the pestilence that walketh in the darkness nor for the destruction that waiteth in the noonday hour.
" Well, thank you very much for coming to the show tonight.
Anybody have any questions? I have a question, Roseanne.
What the hell was this episode about? Who are you? You look familiar.
I'm one of the writers.
Not anymore.
Get out.
Well, it was a mixture of traditional Halloween legend, The music and message of the late '60s And jungian symbolism.
Next question.
Yes? - hi, Roseanne.
- hi.
I thought your character was gonna have a girl? Well, as it turns out, the amnio was wrong, And, uh The kid we got works for nothing.
Okay.
You know, I became pregnant on the show long before I became-- Well, about three months earlier Than I became pregnant in real life, So we said "girl" before we knew, And I decided I was gonna keep it exactly how it is in my family.
Yes? Roseanne, would you do the Tarzan yell? ( all laugh ) I think I did when I sang the anthem, - but - ( all laughing ) Yeah, i'll try to do the Tarzan yell.
( audience applauding ) ( theme music playing )