The King of Queens s08e05 Episode Script

CARRIE, I NEED YOU! I'M WORKING, DAD! MY FISH STICKS ARE BURNING.
SO TAKE THEM OUT OF THE OVEN.
YOU SAID I WASN'T ALLOWED NEAR THE OVEN.
MAKE UP YOUR MIND, MUSSOLINI! IT'S OK, DAD.
WHERE DO YOU HIDE THE OVEN MITTS? I HIDE THEM ON A HOOK OVER THE OVEN.
ALL I SEE ARE PINK PUPPETS.
THOSE ARE THE OVEN MITTS! THEY'RE BOTH LEFTIES! HAVE YOU BEEN SITTING THERE THIS WHOLE TIME? UH, YEAH.
COULD YOU GO IN THERE AND PLEASE TAKE CARE OF THIS? HEY! HEY, HEY! THOSE ARE MINE! IT'S ALL TAKEN CARE OF.
THANKS, BABY.
HEY, ARTHUR.
AH, YOU'RE JUST IN TIME TO JOIN ME IN A BOWL OF FIBER 4,000.
THIS STUFF REALLY SHOWS YOUR COLON WHO'S BOSS.
UM, NOT SURE WOMEN HAVE COLONS.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE MISSING.
LISTEN, ARTHUR, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING, I'M AFRAID I'M NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO WALK YOU ANYMORE.
WHAT? I MET A GUY AND HE WANTS ME TO MOVE TO MANHATTAN.
AND SO THE DOLLAR DANCE BEGINS.
LET'S SKIP THE FAIRY TALE AND GET TO THE REAL STORY.
YOU WANT A RAISE.
NO, NO, NO.
I'M QUITTING, AND I WAS KIND OF HOPING YOU'D GIVE ME YOUR BLESSING.
HI, CARR.
OH, HEY.
DARLING, YOU'RE JUST IN TIME.
HOLLY HAS SOME "BIG NEWS.
" SHE'S "MOVING" TO "MANHATTAN" WITH HER "BOYFRIEND.
" NEEDLESS TO SAY, I'M "DEVASTATED.
" HMM.
WHAT'S GOING ON? WELL, I MET A GUY.
I MEAN, HE'S GREAT.
HE'S SWEET AND FUNNY AND, BOY, WHEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT, WE JUST- WHOA, EASY THERE, GIRL.
SO, WHO IS THIS GUY? HOW'D YOU MEET HIM? WELL, UM WE MET.
WE JUST MET! HE'S AMAZING! WELL, THAT ANSWERS THAT.
YEAH, AND HE SAYS WE'RE GONNA STAY IN A PENTHOUSE IN MANHATTAN, AND HE CAN AFFORD IT 'CAUSE HE OWNS HIS OWN LIMO COMPANY.
RIIIIGHT.
WHAT IS IT? NOTHING.
IT'S JUST NOT THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE WALKED IN HERE ALL EXCITED ABOUT SOME AMAZING GUY YOU MET, AND, WELL, IT JUST HASN'T WORKED OUT THAT WAY.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WELL, LIKE THE TIME YOU WERE DATING THAT GUY WHO TOLD YOU HE WAS LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR OF NEW JERSEY.
SPIKE? YEAH.
YEAH, HE WAS PROBABLY LYING.
YEAH.
YEAH.
BUT CARL'S DIFFERENT, I JUST KNOW IT.
AND I HOPE SO, YOU KNOW, BUT BEFORE YOU UPROOT YOUR WHOLE LIFE, YOU KNOW, YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHECK OUT IF CARL REALLY IS WHO HE SAYS HE IS, YOU KNOW, AND THAT HE'S REALLY SERIOUS ABOUT YOU.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I MEAN, WHAT IF I FIND OUT HE'S JUST ANOTHER LYING CREEP? YEP.
WELL, THEN I GET A CALL SAYING, "THEY CUT ME OFF AT O'DOOLEY'S.
CAN YOU DRIVE ME HOME?" AND WE GET ON WITH OUR LIVES.
I'VE DONE THAT? COUPLE OF TIMES.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, MY DOG IS SO UPSET THAT HOLLY'S NOT GONNA BE WALKING HIM ANYMORE, LAST NIGHT, HE PEED IN MY SLIPPERS.
ACTUALLY, THAT WAS ME.
DON'T LEAVE 'EM NEXT TO THE TOILET.
YOU KNOW I BREAK RIGHT.
AT LEAST YOU'RE CONSISTENT.
ARTHUR'S LIKE A GOLF COURSE SPRINKLER.
HEY, YO.
CHECK OUT THE MENU.
DON'T TELL ME THEY'RE BRINGING BACK THE TOFU FINGERS 'CAUSE I SWEAR TO GOD, I WILL WALK.
NO, MAN.
THEY NAMED A SANDWICH AFTER ME.
WHAT? "THE DEACON.
" THAT IS SO COOL! LET ME SEE THAT.
I GUESS PADDY THOUGHT THAT COMBO I CAME UP WITH THE OTHER NIGHT WAS GOOD ENOUGH TO BECOME A MENU ITEM.
YEAH, THAT'S GREAT.
THERE'S ONLY ONE PROBLEM.
IT'S MY SANDWICH.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I'M THE ONE WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA TO MAKE A CLUB SANDWICH WITH HAM, PASTRAMI, ONION RINGS AND GRAVY.
BUT I GOT RID OF THE HAM AND REPLACED THE GRAVY WITH A DAB OF HORSERADISH.
YEAH, BUT I INVENTED IT.
SEE, FOOD TO YOU, IT'S JUST FUEL.
TO ME, IT'S AN UNEXPLORED COUNTRY.
YOU SHOULD COME BACK 'CAUSE THAT COUNTRY'S OUT OF BACON.
BY THE WAY, I CAN GET YOUR SANDWICH AT ANY BENNIGAN'S.
GUYS, WE'RE ALL FRIENDS HERE, ALL RIGHT? TELL YOU WHAT, LET'S TAKE A SURVEY.
SPENCE, WHOSE SANDWICH DO YOU THINK IT IS? PLEASE DON'T PUT ME IN THE MIDDLE.
THIS IS JUST LIKE WHEN MY DAD LEFT.
WHATEVER, OK? A REAL FRIEND WOULD MAKE THIS MENU THING RIGHT, AND I GUESS YOU'RE NOT A REAL FRIEND.
YOU KNOW, SHAME ON YOU.
WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH A BABY ABOUT THIS? YOU'RE A BABY 'CAUSE BABIES ARE ALWAYS GRABBING WHAT'S NOT THEIRS.
THAT'S CLASSIC BABY! SO YOU GUYS READY TO ORDER? YEAH, YEAH, I'LL HAVE A "ME.
" ONE DEACON.
MAKE IT TWO.
MAKE IT THREE.
WATCH YOUR BACK, LITTLE MAN.
THREE DEACONS.
AND FOR YOU? YOU KNOW WHAT, I SEEM TO HAVE LOST MY APPETITE.
I'LL JUST HAVE A BURGER, OK, WITH CURLY FRIES.
DON'T DO THE STEAK FRIES, LAST TIME THEY- JUST BRING THE CURLY FRIES.
EXCUSE ME, DID I JUST HEAR YOU CREATED THE DEACON? YES.
YES, I DID.
I JUST HAD ONE.
I LOVED IT! THANKS, MAN.
HATE TO IMPOSE, BUT WOULD YOU SIGN MY MENU? OH, SURE.
COULD YOU MAKE IT OUT TO ROGER? THANKS SO MUCH.
"TO ROGER, KEEP ON DREAMIN'.
" THAT'S ORIGINAL.
"DEACON PALMER.
" I TALKED WITH CARL.
OH, BABY, I'M SORRY.
IT'S BETTER YOU FIND OUT NOW, THOUGH.
WE'RE ENGAGED! WHAT?! WELL, I DID WHAT YOU SAID.
I TOLD HIM I NEEDED TO KNOW IF HE WAS SERIOUS, AND, BOOM, RIGHT THEN AND THERE, HE PROPOSED.
AND LOOK WHAT HE BOUGHT ME! ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL? HOLLY, HOLLY WHEN DO WE LEARN? WHAT'S THE MATTER? IT WAS TOO EASY.
YOU SAY ONE WORD, AND THE GUY PROPOSES, AND HE JUST HAPPENS TO HAVE A BIG, DIAMOND RING TO GIVE YOU? YOU DON'T THINK IT'S REAL? BABY, IT'S COMICALLY BIG.
BUT CARL SAID- CARL'S GONNA SAY WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR, KITTY KAT.
YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT YOUR LITTLE RING, YOU GO TO A PROFESSIONAL.
IT'S FLAWLESS! REALLY? REALLY?! SIMPLY STUNNING.
MOST DIAMONDS HAVE A YELLOW TINGE, SMALL INCLUSIONS, AND TINY BLACK SPOTS.
BUT THIS? SUPERB! AND THE CUT, SEE HOW IT DANCES IN THE LIGHT? OK, SETTLE DOWN, YOU.
HESH! HESHY, COME LOOK AT THIS! ALL RIGHT, WELL, I GUESS WE CAN GO NOW.
HESHY HASN'T SEE IT YET.
I'M JUST SAYING CAN'T WE CALL THIS "THE DOUG"? IT ALREADY HAS A NAME.
IT'S A TACO.
NO, IT'S TACO TOPPED WITH RELISH AND CRUMBLED UP SALTINES.
HMM? COME ON, MAN, I GOT CUSTOMERS.
HOW ABOUT THIS, OK? YOU CHANGE HOT DOG INTO A "HOT DOUG"? YOU JUST GRAB THE "U" FROM SOUP.
NO ONE'S ORDERING THAT ANYWAY, I GOT TO TELL YOU.
WHO'S NEXT? DO NOT IGNORE ME, MANNY! I BUILT THIS ROACH COACH, AND I CAN TAKE HER DOWN.
HEY! DID YOU PUT ME ON THE SIGN-UP SHEET TO WORK SATURDAY? WELL, I KNOW YOU LIKE TO PUT YOUR NAME ON EVERYTHING, SO I DID YOU A FAVOR.
YOU KNOW IT'S MY KID'S TENTH BIRTHDAY.
GOOD, THEN HE'S OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW HIS DAD'S A GLORY HOUND.
YOU'RE PATHETIC.
I'M PATHETIC? MANNY'S NAMING AN EGG SALAD SANDWICH AFTER ME.
PLAY BALL WITH ME, DAMN IT.
SO WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME, PETER, IS THAT YOU'LL WALK ME FOR $1.
00 LESS THAN WHAT MY PREVIOUS WALKER CHARGED, PLUS COMPLIMENTARY SUNSCREEN? HEY, ARTHUR.
OOH, HOW AWKWARD! I WAS JUST INTERVIEWING YOUR POTENTIAL REPLACEMENT.
OH, GREAT.
GREAT.
I JUST STOPPED BY TO INVITE YOU TO MY THING I'M HAVING TOMORROW NIGHT AT COOPER'S.
OH, YES, YOUR ELABORATE RUSE.
I MEAN, YOUR GOING-AWAY PARTY.
YES, YES, I'LL BE THERE.
NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, PETER WANTED TO HEAR ALL ABOUT MY DECADES-LONG PEN-PAL RELATIONSHIP WITH MR.
NEIL SEDAKA.
HOLLY, IS THAT YOU? YEAH.
I'M IN HERE.
I JUST GOOGLED YOUR BOYFRIEND! CAN I LEAVE NOW? NOT YET! OK.
SEE, I PUT IN CARL'S SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER AND HIS WHOLE LIFE, RIGHT HERE.
HOW DID YOU GET HIS SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER? EXCUSE ME, WHO'S ON TRIAL HERE, HIM OR ME? SO WHAT DID YOU FIND OUT? WELL, TAKE A LITTLE LOOK-SEE.
AND IT AIN'T PRETTY.
ALL IT SAYS HERE IS THAT HE'S GOT A COUPLE OF OUTSTANDING PARKING TICKETS.
YEAH, EXACTLY, HOLLY.
THE GUY THINKS HE CAN PARK HIS CAR ANYWHERE HE WANTS.
WHAT ELSE IS HE PARKING ANYWHERE HE WANTS? YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? WELL, DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT DOUG GETS A LOT OF TICKETS? YES, BUT HE'S JUST AN IDIOT.
OK, WELL, YEAH, THANKS FOR CHECKING.
AGAIN, JUST MAKING SURE YOU DON'T GET HURT.
YEAH, AGAIN, THANKS.
OH, DO YOU KNOW CARL'S MOTHER'S MAIDEN NAME? NO.
IT'S OK, BABY.
I'LL GET IT.
LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.
YOU WORK FOR A LAWYER, RIGHT? I USED TO WORK FOR A LAWYER, BUT FOR THE LAST YEAR AND A HALF, I'VE WORKED FOR A REAL ESTATE FIRM.
CLOSE ENOUGH.
I WANT TO FILE A LAWSUIT OR AN INJUNCTION.
I'LL LET YOU HANDLE THE MUMBO-JUMBO.
THE POINT IS, I WANT DEACON BEHIND BARS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I INVENTED A SANDWICH, AND HE'S TAKING CREDIT FOR IT.
AND WHERE I COME FROM, THAT AIN'T RIGHT! YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE AIN'T RIGHT? THIS CRAPPY-ASS RING YOU GOT ME.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
IS IT FLAWLESS? DOES IT DANCE IN THE LIGHT? DOES IT?! DOES IT?! A LITTLE.
YOU MOVE IT AROUND KIND OF QUICK THERE.
IT'S FINE.
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? I DON'T KNOW.
HOLLY MET THIS GREAT GUY WHO BOUGHT HER THIS BIG, DIAMOND RING, AND NOW THEY'RE MOVING TO SOME FANCY APARTMENT IN MANHATTAN THAT OVERLOOKS THE PARK, AND, I DON'T KNOW, IT'S- IT'S EVERYTHING I ALWAYS WANTED.
YOU'RE MAD AT ME 'CAUSE I CAN'T GIVE IT TO YOU.
NO, I MADE PEACE WITH ALL RIGHT, COOL.
I GUESS I'M UPSET 'CAUSE IT'S LIKE WHO IS SHE TO BE LIVING MY DREAM, YOU KNOW? EXACTLY.
AND WHO'S DEACON TO BE LIVING MY DREAM? IT'S THE SAME THING! EXCUSE ME, MY DREAM IS TO HAVE A DECENT QUALITY OF LIFE, YOUR DREAM IS TO BE A SANDWICH.
YEAH.
DOUG, THE POINT- YOU KNOW WHAT, I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE ENERGY TO ARGUE WITH YOU.
JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT TO WEAR TO HOLLY'S PARTY.
I'LL MAKE SURE IT'S CLEAN.
OH, I'M NOT GOING TO ANY PARTY WHERE THAT MAN IS GOING TO BE.
DOUG, LOOK, LET'S JUST AGREE WE BOTH GOT A RAW DEAL HERE, ALL RIGHT? BUT DEACON AND HOLLY, THEY'RE OUR FRIENDS.
WE NEED TO GO TO THE PARTY AND BE HAPPY FOR THEM, OK? LOOK AT 'EM.
"OH, WE'RE SO IN LOVE.
" I NEED A BUCKET.
I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO BE HAPPY FOR OUR FRIENDS.
OH, RIGHT.
LIKE YOU'RE HAPPY FOR DEACON? THE MAN STOLE THE ONE THING IN YOUR LIFE YOU HAD GOING FOR YOU.
OH, HEY, CARRIE.
GREAT PARTY, HUH? YEP.
YOU KNOW, I NEVER TOLD YOU THIS, BUT I ALWAYS KIND OF HAD A THING FOR HOLLY.
I MEAN, I'M GLAD SHE MET CARL.
HE SEEMS LIKE A REALLY GREAT GUY AND- OH, GROW SOME NUGGETS, WILL YA? WHAT? HOW MANY TIMES DID THE GIRL STUMBLE TO YOUR DOORSTEP, BLIND DRUNK, AFTER WALKING THAT UGLY, LITTLE DOG OF YOURS, AND YOU STILL COULDN'T CLOSE THE DEAL? YOU MAKE ME SICK.
DINNER IS SERVED, Y'ALL.
WHAT IS THAT? A 6-FOOT DEACON.
YOU WANT A PIECE? OH, NO, THANK YOU.
MAYBE IF IT HAD LIKE BROWN GRAVY ON IT INSTEAD OF HORSERADISH.
WOULDN'T THAT MAKE IT KIND OF SOGGY? YOU'RE SOGGY.
WHAT? WALK AWAY.
VERY IMPRESSIVE.
THANKS.
JUST ONE NOTE: NEXT TIME YOU MIGHT WANT TO GET A MORE CONVINCING ACTOR TO PLAY THE PART OF YOUR FIANCÉ.
THIS GUY BELONGS ON A BAGEL BECAUSE HE'S A LOX.
SO, I BET THE LIMOUSINE BUSINESS HAS BEEN VERY GOOD TO YOU, HUH? WELL, IT'S A LOT OF WORK, BUT I LOVE IT.
I BET YOU DO.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? COME ON, IT'S ME.
IT'S LATE AT NIGHT, YOU'RE DRIVING SOME COKED-UP SUPERMODEL TO THE AIRPORT, AND ALL OF A SUDDEN SHE'S IN THE FRONT SEAT WITH YOU.
"OH, YOU OWN THE COMPANY? THAT'S SO HOT.
" UM, CARRIE, CAN I TALK TO YOU IN PRIVATE FOR A SECOND? YEAH, NO PROBLEM.
BE RIGHT BACK.
OHH! GUY, YOU OK? I TELL YA, THIS DEACON OR WHATEVER YOU CALL IT, IT'S SO DRY, I CAN'T EVEN SWALLOW IT.
I NEED SOMETHING TO MAKE IT MORE MOIST, YET NOT SOGGY.
HOW ABOUT SOME WATER? NO, THAT'S NOT GONNA DO ANYTHING FOR ME.
I NEED SOMETHING SMOOTH LIKE GRAVY OR SOMETHING LIKE- OH, YEAH.
NOW THAT'S A SANDWICH.
YOU KNOW WHAT, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR CRAP.
WELL, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOURS.
YOU WANNA GO? I WOULD LOVE TO GO! THEN LET'S GO! I'M GOING! COME ON! YEAH, I JUST REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHY YOU WERE GROPING MY FIANCÉ? I WAS TESTING HIM.
AND KEEP UP WITH THE ATTITUDE, I'M GONNA STOP HELPING YOU.
HELPING ME? YOU'RE TRYING TO RUIN IT.
RUIN IT? WHY WOULD I WANT TO RUIN IT? I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE 'CAUSE YOU'RE MAD BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, I FOUND A REALLY GREAT GUY.
EXCUSE ME, I HAVE A REALLY GREAT GUY, TOO.
LOOK, DID YOU EVER HAVE A FRIEND WHOSE LIFE SUCKED SO BAD THAT IT MADE YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOUR OWN? WHAT? NO.
WELL, I DID, AND IT WAS YOU.
OH! OH, I'M SO SORRY THINGS WORKED OUT FOR ME.
THAT'S OK.
OH, SWEETIE, I'M SORRY.
THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
THANK YOU.
THE CAR'S HERE.
WE SHOULD SKEDADDLE.
OK, I'LL BE THERE IN A SECOND, HONEY.
"SKEDADDLE"? I GOT TO TELL YOU, MY GAYDAR JUST WENT BOOP, BOOP, BOOP.
GOOD LUCK, SWEETIE.
THANKS.
GOOD-BYE.
BYE.
ANOTHER GIN AND TONIC.
SO YOUR LIFE MUST BE PRETTY CRAPPY, HUH? ALL RIGHT, YOU WIN.
I'LL CONVINCE DOUGLAS AND CARRIE TO GIVE YOU $1.
00 MORE AN HOUR.
ARTHUR- I'LL EXPECT YOU TO KICK A QUARTER OF THAT BACK TO ME.
WOULD YOU STOP IT? WHY CAN'T YOU GET THIS THROUGH YOUR CRAZY HEAD? I'M LEAVING.
REALLY? YES.
AND THIS IS HOW I FIND OUT? SORRY.
YOU WERE THE BEST DOG WALKER A MAN COULD EVER ASK FOR.
THANK YOU, ARTHUR.
AND OF ALL MY CLIENTS, YOU WERE DEFINITELY THE MOST INTERESTING AND THE LEAST DISTRACTED BY SQUIRRELS.
YOU'RE A TERRIBLE LIAR, BUT A MARVELOUS PERSON.
YOU KNOW, CARL'S STILL INSIDE.
I HAVE TIME FOR ONE MORE WALK.
ON THE HOUSE.
I'D LIKE THAT.
WHAT SAY I TREAT YOU TO A LEMON ICE AT LUIGI'S? THAT'D BE GREAT.
BY THE WAY, DID I EVER TELL YOU HOW I INSPIRED NEIL SEDAKA'S POP CLASSIC, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SWEET SIXTEEN? YES, BUT I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR IT AGAIN.
COME ON, GRAVY BOAT! WHATCHA GOT, HUH? GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS! GUYS, I TALKED TO PADDY, AND HE AGREED ON A COMPROMISE, OK? HE SAID HE WOULD PUT BACK THE HAM AND HE WOULD USE HORSERADISH AND GRAVY, AND HE WOULD CALL IT "THE DEACON/DOUG.
" I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
WHY IS HIS NAME FIRST? WHY IS HIS NAME FIRST? OK, WE'LL CALL IT "THE DOUBLE D" AND EVERYBODY'S HAPPY.
THANK YOU.
"SO I LOST HOLLY, "AND PETER'S MOTHER HAS FORBIDDEN ME FROM CONTACT.
"ON THE PLUS SIDE, THE FIBER 4,000 CONTINUES "TO DO A STERLING JOB ON MY NETHER REGIONS.
THANKS FOR THE TIP.
" OH, ARTHUR, YOU KEEP ME YOUNG.