Bob's Burgers s08e06 Episode Script

1 (snoring) (groans) ("Carol of the Bells" playing) (gasps) Bob! Bobby! Bob! Bob! What? What's happening? What? - I got it.
- You got what? Wait.
What time is it? I just had a dream that we threw the most incredible Christmas party ever thrown.
It was perfect.
And now I know what we have to do.
(yawning): Go back to sleep? No, no.
Listen, listen.
It just hasn't felt like Christmas this year.
I mean, I've got the spirit, but people seem so sad.
Look, I know money's tight.
I know it's been a tough year and that guy died, the guy that was in that show.
Yeah, that was sad.
But it's the holidays.
Mm, okay.
Good night.
I think my dream was trying to tell me something.
I think we're supposed to spread cheer and save Christmas.
So, we should throw the party from my dream at the restaurant.
- Um, when? - Today.
This afternoon.
The sooner the better.
Okay, but let's not go crazy.
We still have to wrap all our presents - and shop for a couple more.
- No, no.
This party has to be magical, Bobby, just like my dream.
In my dream, you were there Wearing your Christmas best In my dream The whole town was there Saying this year's been a mess But the eggnog flowed like a river And it made people reconsider And come together for something bigger It's the Christmas of my Dreams Doesn't that sound nice? Bob, write this stuff down.
We'll need all of it for the party.
Lin, I'm really tired.
We'll need five meat-carving stations I'll just make burgers Guests from far away nations I bet Teddy will come We'll need an ice-skating rink Everyone will wear skates Mr.
Present greets guests with a smile on his face Mr.
Present sounds nice.
In the Christmas of my Dreams.
Oh, it's gonna be great.
Lin, can I please have the blanket? Are those new underwear? Those are nice.
Mm, no, they're old, but thanks for noticing.
So, a dream told Mom that we should throw a Christmas party at the restaurant? That's right.
We're gonna spread a little Christmas cheer.
I had a dream Dad had a ponytail.
Should we just do that instead? Hang on, hang on.
Shush.
I'm standing outside The Wiggle Room where earlier this morning, club patrons went from tearing the roof off this popular gay nightclub to watching the city tear the actual roof off this popular gay nightclub.
This club has been in violation of multiple city codes for a long time.
Noise violations, un-permitted stages and more than one illegal seesaw.
Damn the man.
Bros before city codes.
So it looks like these tiny dancers will hold each other closer this holiday season, making this cheery time of year a little more tear-y for this community.
- (Linda gasping) - Hmm.
(Linda grunting) - Mother seems well.
- Lin, why are you cutting off the top of the tree? I'm just gonna borrow a little bit from our tree and make a mini one for the restaurant.
She's circumcising our tree.
Did you see that news story? This Christmas is gonna be sad if we don't put in the extra effort.
(grunts) Okay, so, our tree looks exactly how it looks right now 'cause of what you just did.
Oh, you could barely tell.
Plus, I'll just reattach it.
It'll grow back together and done.
Yeah, that sounds right.
This little guy has to be special, so I'm gonna relocate some of my favorite ornaments.
Aw, I remember when Gene made me this one.
Oh, my God, I love it.
And Tina made me this one.
Oh, my God, I love it.
And Louise made me this one.
Oh, my God, I love it! Frankly, you know, I'm a little more interested in what's going under the tree if you catch my drift.
Yes, Louise, we got the link to your online gift registry.
I noticed a lot of the big-ticket items were still available, so Aw, look at our little tree.
I love my mini tree.
I'm gonna fill it up with more ornaments and then I'm gonna go invite everyone to the party.
Happy holidays.
Here's a Santa Slider.
(laughs) 'Cause it's Christmas, right? Yup.
-I'm just gonna start grabbing these and you let me know when I've taken an appropriate amount.
- Oh, okay, stop, Teddy.
- So, just, so, just four then? Every time you come by? We're gonna be seeing a lot of each other, Bobby.
- Hmm.
- (groans) Would you like a Santa Slider, Mort? Ooh, the last one.
Room temperature and everybody's touched it.
No, no, no.
It's pretty fresh and-and no one's touched it, - except maybe Teddy.
- I grazed it.
I'll wait for a fresh batch.
What's your problem, Mort? (mouth full): Just take it.
Fine, I'll take it.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Just kidding.
It's ice cold.
Did you see my little tree? I put all my favorite ornaments on it.
And the tree topper is a little porcelain baby angel and he's smiling 'cause he's on top of the tree.
Can we just have the eggnog? I like it.
I like your ornaments.
- But we're gonna go on the other side of the room now.
- Oh.
So, what do you think? Santa coming this year or what? Have you been good? I hope the Bleaken doesn't come.
Who and/or what is the Bleaken? You kids don't know about the Bleaken? Is it a band? Are they on SoundCloud? He's got, like, different names in different cultures, but he's basically the anti-Santa.
LOUISE: You got our attention.
Go on.
TEDDY: The Bleaken is a horned creature with lizard skin and black feathers who comes every once in a while.
- TINA: Every once in a while? - GENE: Like El Niño? TEDDY: My Nana used to say he feeds off sadness and anger.
She said when me and my sister would fight, it meant the Bleaken would come.
Nana sounds fun.
Is Nana short for banana? Well, what happens when the Bleaken comes? TEDDY: The Bleaken steals your presents.
- LOUISE: What?! - TEDDY: Yup.
Then he takes them back to his lair and you never see them again.
And one time, I thought, I thought I saw him.
Wait, you saw the Bleaken? I don't know.
I was little.
Nana used to give us wine.
You're freaking us out.
Keep your weird Nana stuff to yourself.
Yeah, the Bleaken's probably just an old story.
- And a long story.
Am I right? Eh? - (door bells jingle) Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Now it's a party.
(laughs) Yeah, 'cause Jimmy's here and me.
And damn it, Trev, do not say stuff.
What do you mean don't say stuff? What-what am I supposed to say? - Just shush-ish.
- Uh, but Hi, Jimmy.
Hi, Trev.
Happy holidays.
Lin, you invited Jimmy? It's a Christmas ceasefire, Bob, a truce for the holidays.
Yeah, Bob.
Try to be the bigger man for once, huh? That shouldn't be too hard because of your butt! It's big.
(laughs) - Zoom.
- Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
I'm not saying nothing.
- Come on.
- No.
- Come on.
- No.
- Come on.
- All right.
(laughs) Nice.
Hmm.
Well, Merry Christmas.
Stupid Jimmy Pesto.
Thanks for coming, Dalton.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, my God, Linda, this tastes like mouthwash with eggs in it.
I love it.
You're so sweet.
Do you literally have anything else to drink? Uh, I-I could open up some champagne.
Ugh, you're a peach.
I'm going to drink my way through the holidays.
Wait, what do you mean? Like in a fun way? Ask my ex-boyfriend, then ask his new boyfriend and then ask his new boyfriend's ex-boyfriend.
Oh, wait, that's me.
Oh.
Sorry.
I think.
I got lost.
Well, happy holidays.
(whoops) Yay.
That Bleaken stuff, I don't know.
I feel it.
I think the Bleaken is coming this year.
You know what I mean? Doesn't it just seem, like, cold and gray? - Look outside.
- It's winter.
If you believe the media.
- Hey, Bob.
- Hi, Marshmallow.
Hey, Marshmallow.
Who's your friend? This is Art.
He's an artist.
Well, art I glad to meet you, Art.
Hmm.
Maybe we should go.
It's fine.
I'm easily amused.
(chuckles) Ha, easily, I get it.
Marshmallow, I heard The Wiggle Room closed.
Didn't you used to go there? I'm so sorry.
I don't know if I'll ever wiggle again.
Well, maybe some eggnog will cheer you up? Thanks, baby.
- Oh, that's nasty.
- Merry Christmas.
Thanks for coming.
So nice to see you.
All right.
Happy holidays.
Happy holidays.
Yeah.
It's the Christmas of my dreams.
- Sorry, what? - Nothing, nothing.
I ooh, it's cold out.
Well, did we save Christmas? I mean, it wasn't as big as the party in my dream and Mr.
Present didn't come, but I think we did our part to spread a little holiday cheer.
And my little tree looks so good.
- Oh, my God! - Lin, what's wrong? Aah, my tree! My tree is gone! (gasps) My ornaments.
All my favorite ornaments.
- (gags) - Wait, where is it? Kids, did you move Mom's little tree? - I didn't.
- Nope.
- No.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God! (gags) - Oh, my God.
(growls) Who would steal a Christmas tree It's Christmas.
Oh, right.
That kind of makes sense.
My favorite ornaments.
My little babies.
- I know, it's - I'm gonna faint.
I know it's awful, Lin, but-but try and calm down.
I mean, you already called the police.
- Three times.
- I say call back and this time, you hang up on them.
I say call that new Vietnamese place and order just a ton of beef bánh mis.
I came as quickly as I could after I did some other stuff.
- So what was stolen? - My little Christmas tree.
Technically, it was just the top of the Christmas tree.
- Just the tip.
- Gene.
It had all my favorite ornaments on it.
- My kids made most of them.
- I have one question.
Did the thief steal your kids' hands? - No.
- Good.
Kids, make your mom some new ornaments and quit wasting my time.
Sergeant Bosco, please.
Let me tell you something.
I've learned one thing in law enforcement.
People are awful and Christmas makes them worse.
There's been a rash of little thefts like this all over town.
What's been stolen? A lot of Christmas crap.
Lights, plastic reindeer, a bunch of those inflatable Santa Clauses.
- I have one of those.
- Of course you do.
Well, I wouldn't put it out this year.
Wait, I already did.
Do you have any leads? Any suspects? Yeah, some guy or girl, or a group of guys and girls.
Bye, I'm leaving.
(sighs) I'm sorry, Lin.
He-he wasn't really helpful.
But maybe let's do like he said and have the kids make some new ornaments.
I don't want new ornaments, Bob.
I want the ornaments from when they were young and cute, not from now.
Hey, I'm adorable.
You know what? We don't need Bosco.
Whoever took my tree was a guest at our party.
We know who all the suspects are.
We just have to go talk to them.
Lin, Christmas is in three days.
Are-are you sure this is I'm finding my ornaments, Bob! Oh, whoa.
Fine.
But we can't get too carried away, right? Or we let Mom solve every crime in town.
Like Kyra Sedgwick or Mariska Hargitay-tag-gahh.
Okay, here it is.
This is everyone who was at our party.
I already crossed you, the kids, Teddy and Mort off the list.
Hmm, I don't know.
Mort was a little annoyed that he had to take the last slider on the tray.
Ooh, motive.
Okay, Mort's back on the list.
But maybe we should start with the more obvious suspects.
I think I might know one.
LINDA: Jimmy Pesto.
Come on, let's go grill him! - (grunts) - Wait, Lin, I'll go with you, but let's try not to let this get out of hand.
Oh, I won't go overboard.
Now let's go toss that pizza man.
- I'm going to get my coat.
- What should we do? We should probably go with you guys.
You could use the extra muscle.
No, no, no, we'll close for a little while.
You kids go upstairs and make your mom and me - some of those coupon books that - You love so much? No, I was gonna say that you never seem to honor.
Well, you wanted us to honor them? I guess it's not the thought that counts.
- (knocking) - Bob, come on! Heh-ho! Look what the fart dragged in! - (laughing) - Can it, Pesto.
I know you did it.
Where are you hiding it? What are you yelling about? We're in-investigating a crime.
She's following up on a lead.
Oh, no.
Did someone steal all of your customers? Wait.
That was me! (laughs) (laughs) He's talking about your livelihood.
No, Jimmy.
Somebody stole my little Christmas tree from the holiday party, and I think you know exactly who stole it because it was you! What? Well, why would I want your dumb tree? I thought maybe, uh, you came over here - because you found the fudge.
- Fudge? What fudge? I took some fudge from the snack table at your party and put it in the urinal.
(laughs) So it looked like someone pooped! (both laugh) So, there was really no reason to stay after that, and we left.
Doodly doo.
Huh.
You did leave kind of early.
The tree wasn't stolen till later.
Well, Lin, I think it's obvious that Jimmy is an idiot.
- Yeah? - But I don't think he did it.
Um, I don't think an idiot would put fudge in a urinal.
Yeah, maybe we can cross him off the list.
Wait.
Security cameras.
BOB: Jimmy's camera doesn't point at our restaurant.
Yeah, why would I want to do that? What? Is America's Most Boring and Sad Videos still on the air? (laughs) That was never a show! I'm not talking about Jimmy's camera.
Mort's got a camera on our side of the street.
"Present this coupon to redeem a 200-minute foot massage from Tina.
" - What? - Guys, I know you're working really hard.
We all are.
But I think I know who took Mom's tree and all the Christmas stuff Bosco said was stolen.
My theory? The Bleaken did it.
Whoa.
Teddy did say the Bleaken steals stuff.
Well, he's not gonna steal our presents.
Why not? Is it 'cause we're poor and our toys break almost immediately? No.
'Cause we are gonna stop him.
The Bleaken is coming as fast as he can Ruining Christmas like he don't give a damn Got to find the Bleaken, we'll follow his scent We got to stop the Bleaken from stealing our presents He's gonna be defeated, he's about to meet his match And maybe when we find him We can ask for Mom's tree back Sure, sure, sure, but mostly, it's about running him out of town - before he steals our Christmas presents.
- Totally.
I just think maybe once we find him and scare him, - it wouldn't hurt to ask for Mom's tree.
- Uh, yeah.
ALL: The Bleaken is gonna Wish that he was never born We're coming for you, man Hold onto your horns I just asked for experiences this year.
The Bleaken can't steal a Korean BBQ dinner for two! I mean, isn't that a gift card? - He can just take it, right? - Damn it! The Bleaken is gonna Wish that he was never born We're comin' for you, man Hold onto your horns! Ah! I'm okay.
LINDA: Thanks for doing this, Mort.
We really appreciate it.
And you should know - we never thought you were a suspect.
- Thanks.
Sounds like maybe you did, but let me just push past that and bring up the video from yesterday.
All right, let me jump to the middle of the party, - and - LINDA: Fischoeder.
BOB: Wait.
I don't remember seeing Fischoeder at our party.
And now we know why.
He looked inside, saw us, and didn't come in.
That Ba-hum-bugger.
Look, it's you, Mort.
Are you skipping? (laughs): I was, uh I was just trying something.
I'm just gonna fast-forward.
Wait, wait! Stop! Go back.
Go back.
- Right there.
Look! - BOB: Oh, my God.
Edith.
She's hiding something under her coat.
We got ya! Greatest generation, my ass! Hey Lin, what's the plan? How do we get 'em to talk? Here's the plan.
We go in, and we get my tree back.
Oh, good.
So you've thought this through.
- Edith! Harold! - Hello? Well, nobody's in here.
Maybe we should go? (quietly): Door to the back.
Let's go.
Yup.
Great.
Let's do that.
- (Linda gasps) - Oh, my God.
Class is full.
Go away! Hi, everyone.
Sorry.
Keep drawing.
What do you want? -We want you to explain this! That picture doesn't prove anything! - That could be any old lady.
- Hey! I mean, no, you look good.
I mean, uh nothing.
- I know I do.
- Yes, you do! Can you two please just give my wife her tree? - Tree? What tree? - We didn't take your damn tree! Oh, you didn't, huh? What's under your coat, Miss Grabby Puss? Well, we took your cookie platter, okay? Happy now? - You took our what? - Cookies! We've had life-drawing classes all week.
We-we came to your party, and we ran out of time to buy snacks.
Nudes need snacks! It's hard work! They like cookies! It was the end of the party.
We thought you were gonna throw them out! No one was supposed to get hurt! Huh.
Bob, look at naked Santa.
I-I saw him, Lin.
You really can't miss him.
No, look at him again.
I think he was at our party.
He's Art, the artist, remember? Oh, yeah.
Um, can we leave? No.
He's a suspect.
We have to question him.
Well, you two should be ashamed of yourselves.
Stealing our cookies.
Now we're gonna talk to your nude, and you're gonna let us.
You were at our party, I hope you had a good time I did, I drank the eggnog Gross, but nicely spiked Well, someone stole my tree, I need to know your alibi I'm clearly a man with nothing to hide After your party, I was in a lovely mood I came straight here, had a cookie and got nude He got nude, he got super nude Ask the class, I swear it wasn't me When I came in here, I didn't have your tree He didn't have it, he didn't have your tree A bush maybe.
Ha-ha! - Harold! - Sorry.
Well, I believe you, I'm sorry to intrude It's okay, I just signed up to see some boobs It turns out, I actually love drawing.
He loves drawing, but he's still pretty creepy Definitely creepy I hope you find your tree.
Well, Lin, we should probably head back to the restaurant.
No! I got to keep looking, Bobby! I need to find my ornaments.
My little babies! Okay, okay, you keep looking, but I'm gonna get back to work where we both work or we used to.
Good! Get out! Leave! And take your cookie tray! LINDA: Oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree Where is my frickin' Christmas tree? TEDDY: I wonder if it was that guy LINDA: If I don't find it, I might die Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree Where can you be, my Christmas tree? Well, that's it.
I crossed everyone off the list.
My ornaments are just out there in the cold dyin'.
- I'm sorry, Lin.
- You know what? I'm gonna go back out there and talk to everyone on my list again.
Maybe I missed something.
Lin, we still need to wrap presents.
What? What are you talkin' about? Presents we need to wrap them for the kids for Christmas, remember? Right.
The kids' presents.
We haven't wrapped 'em.
- We have not.
- That's bad.
It's fine.
I'm just wondering when we're gonna do it.
And by "we," I mean mostly you, 'cause I'm horrible at it.
Yeah, you wrap like a drunk, blind bear.
That's how I live.
Eh, I may have been a little overly focused on getting my tree back.
Well, you know what? I'm done.
-Wait.
Really? Yeah.
That thief may have stolen my ornaments, but he's not gonna steal our Christmas.
-(door bells jingle) Mom, we need to talk to you.
It's about your tree.
Da-da-da.
Kid-Kids, your mother's actually done looking for the tree, - and we are all very happy about that.
- Yup, yup.
All done.
We know who stole it! (gasps) You do?! Who was it?! - Oh, my God.
- It was the Bleaken! - What? - You-you kids believe in the Bleaken? - ALL: Yeah! - So you know about him? - Yeah, but, I mean, he's not real.
You got to believe us.
This crime has Bleaken written all over it.
Thanks, kids.
It's sweet that you're trying to help, but there's no such thing as the Bleaken.
Plus, I'm fine.
Don't worry about your mom.
I'm fine.
Well, we are worried about you, Mother, but we're also worried about our presents getting stolen.
Look, everyone, tomorrow is Christmas, and I think we should all just act as normal as we normally do.
And enjoy it as much as we can with whatever presents Santa brings and whatever presents we bought, which are gre-great.
And not exactly what you asked for, but close.
- Kind of.
You're-you're you're gonna love it.
- Yay! All right, Mom and Dad wouldn't believe us about the Bleaken, but maybe the cops will.
GENE: A ragtag gang like us comin' in off the streets.
Of course they'll believe us.
The Bleaken is not real.
No, you got to listen.
Call the SWAT team! Call MASH! Call Columbo! Call everybody.
He is gonna ruin Christmas! - Stop talking! - (Louise grunts) Listen, it's just a bunch of punk kids stealing Christmas crap around town.
Wait.
Is that a map of all the places that got robbed? Yeah, the ones I bothered putting up there.
Also, I ran out of thumb tacks, so I just stopped.
Hmm.
What about that? Is that some kind of lamp? What? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I guess I kind of like lamps.
- You think I have too many in here or what? - No.
No.
- No.
The appropriate amount of lamps.
Well, we're really sorry we bothered you.
Seems like you're on top of everything, Sergeant Bosco.
It's punk kids doing it.
Ugh.
Punks.
- And thank you for the water.
- You're welcome.
What happened, Louise? You got out of there really fast.
Did you have to toot? 'Cause I just went for it.
They can't arrest you for that.
Yeah, I don't know.
Maybe it's 'cause I took this! GENE: A picture of the side of Bosco's face? - Not his best angle.
- But great lighting.
Lamp lighting.
No, it's a picture of the map.
Now that we know where the Bleaken stole everything from, maybe we can triangulate, and find his nest.
I'll try-angulate anything once.
There's a pattern.
I know there is.
Is it plaid? It's probably plaid.
Wait.
Isn't this spot right in the middle? Like, the exact middle of all of them? I guess so.
What does that mean? It means it's got to be the Bleaken's lair.
I say tonight, after Christmas Eve dinner, we sneak out, find his nest, save our presents, and if we have time, we get Mom's tree back.
Oh, my God, did we just triangulate? Gene, play it cool, but, yeah, we did.
You kids are quiet.
Do you, do you, do you like your ham? It's very good ham, Father.
This ham is making me sleepy.
I'll definitely be sleeping in my bed all night now.
Okay.
Uh, good.
TEDDY: All right, bastard, or group of bastards, out there stealing decorations.
You think you're gonna get my Santa? You're not gonna get my Santa.
You're gonna get a big surprise.
That's what you're gonna get.
Yeah.
Big surprise.
So should we put out cookies and milk for Santa? All right.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh - Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh - (sighs) Hark how the bells Sweet silver bells All seem to say Throw cares away Ding dong, ding dong That is their song With joyful ring All caroling One seems to hear Words of good cheer From everywhere Filling the air Oh, how they pound Raising the sound O'er hill and dale Telling their tale Gaily they ring While people sing songs TEDDY: Now we just got to flip on the air compressor and - (air whooshing) - Ah! Ooh! Ah, that feels good.
Come on, thief or thieves.
Come and get me.
No one would suspect a man would spend his Christmas Eve in here.
(Gene groaning, smacking lips) LOUISE: Tina, how we doing? We almost there? We in the right spot? Yeah, we just have to walk towards that abandoned warehouse down this dark, abandoned street.
Everything's fine.
Unless you think it's not, and we should call Mom and Dad.
No.
We've gone rogue.
We're not calling Mom and Dad.
Nobody panic, but I'm running out of walking cookies.
Come on, guys, we're doing this for Mom, and Christmas, AKA our presents.
Eh, we really shouldn't have snuck out I'm feeling sneaker-outer's remorse.
Tina, Mom and Dad wouldn't want us wandering around this part of town alone, so we had to sneak out because we love them so much.
(phone beeps) (vibrating) - (groggily): Uh, hello? - TINA: I don't know, I think Mom and Dad would like to know that we're down near the strange, abandoned building on the corner of Garfield Street and Jackson Street, I think.
- I can't read it very well.
- Tina? Tina, sweetie, can you hear me? Bob, I think the kids snuck out of the house.
Wait, what? Tina's butt-dialing me from the emergency phone I can hear 'em.
Tina! Tina, it's Mommy.
Can you hear me? - (muffled): Tina! - Louise, I really think we should turn around and go home.
There's nothing out here except a thousand scary alleys.
Guys.
Oh, my gosh, it's one of Mom's ornaments.
That's the one I made.
You're safe now.
Shh, shh, it's all over.
It's okay.
Get this ornament a blanket! LOUISE: What? - Ah! - Hell no! This is real.
This is happening.
So, should we, like, stake out the perimeter and call for some backup? No, there's no time.
It's Christmas frickin' Eve.
Look, footprints.
Let's follow them.
Crap.
Flashlight's dead.
Looks like we'll be doing this in the dark.
Cool, cool, cool.
(Tina gasping rhythmically) - The Bleaken is gonna - (gasping continues) Wish that he was never born (gasping continues) We're coming for you, man Hold onto your horns GENE: Protect us, Lord Santa.
LOUISE: Okay, all signs point to the Bleaken's lair being inside this warehouse.
We just need to figure out how to get in and get Mom's ornaments out.
But we've looked all over this place and there's no doors.
Maybe we could go home and make some muffins and come back.
Everyone likes to open the door to a fresh basket of muffins.
That's weird there's footprints that lead that way, but there's nothing over there.
It doesn't make any sense.
There's nothing here but a ditch.
GENE: A nasty little ditch.
LOUISE: Are you kidding me? We came all this way and we can't get in? Ugh! Hmm? What the - Huh? - You guys, this is a wall.
Wow, someone painted a super realistic mural on the side of this warehouse.
I thought only Wile E.
Coyote could do that.
Or Banksy.
You guys, I think I found the door.
Oh, my God, it's unlocked.
(door squeaks) LOUISE: Looks like the only way to go is down.
(gasping heavily) My nightmare called it wants its scary staircase back.
Okay, before we do this, let's talk weapons.
- What'd everybody bring? - Wait, what? None.
Why are we talking weapons now? There was a much better time to do this, back when we were near weapons.
Well, I have extras.
You're welcome.
(sighs) Okay, here's what I got.
Ruler, for slapping or poking.
- Or measuring.
- Pass.
- Key chain, for stabbing.
- Or keys.
You could also take the key chain, and you could force it down a throat.
Yeah, you could sneak it into someone's mouth.
Yeah.
Hey, what's that? Oh, keys in your mouth.
- Wha-What else you got? - Uh, you know, Mace, knife.
- But I'm keeping those.
- Oh.
Uh, I guess I'll go ruler, but I don't feel good about this.
Shall we? GENE: Okay LOUISE: Weird.
Why would there be stairs that lead to a brick wall? Maybe it's another painting? Like, maybe it's a picture of a brick wall painted on a super easy to walk through piece of paper.
Ow.
No, that feels like brick.
BOB: All right, Tina said the corner of Garfield and Jackson, but those streets don't intersect.
She's not good with directions, Bob.
Nobody is in our family.
We're lucky we ever get anywhere.
We're so stupid.
Oh, God, my babies! My babies are in danger, no! - (sobbing) - Lin, Lin, Lin.
Lin, let's try and stay calm.
This is a-a totally safe area - for kids to walk around.
- (dogs growling, snarling) See? Those dogs are playing - to the death.
- It's all my fault.
If I hadn't gotten so caught up in my ornaments investigation, the kids wouldn't be in danger right now.
- That's true.
- Bob! You're not supposed to agree with me when I blame myself.
BOB: Oh, right, it's, uh, then it's not your fault.
Thank you.
Now say it's all your fault.
What? Why-why? - Say it.
- No.
Okay, it's both our faults.
(sighs): Fine.
LINDA: Well, this is Garfield and Johnson.
Could she have maybe not read it very well? BOB: Maybe.
We haven't bought her new glasses since she was six.
Well, there are footprints here, and they could be kid-sized, and there's a lot of cookie crumbs.
(sobbing): Oh, God, no! My babies are in there.
No.
Why? Eh, so no decorations thief yet.
That's okay.
It's a waiting game, right? Here comes nice Mrs.
Chang with her little doggy.
Hello, little doggy.
Hey, she's not picking it up.
So she's the one that doesn't scoop.
I did not suspect that.
All these years.
Uh-oh, uh-oh, there's the smell.
(gagging) That's bad.
Oh, that's bad.
Oh, it's coming in the suit.
Ugh, it's trapped in here.
No, no ugh! Don't puke in Santa.
Don't puke in Santa.
(Gene grunting) LOUISE: Ugh, we've pushed on every brick on these stupid walls and nothing works.
(door creaks) Did you guys hear that? I think someone's coming.
(whispering): Everybody be quiet.
It's probably the Bleaken, or maybe one of his minions.
Do you think they call themselves "Blinions"? If they don't, they're making a terrible mistake.
(gasps) You guys, I think I just realized why there's a staircase leading to nowhere.
- Why? - To trap someone.
(gasps, groans) Okay, here's the plan: we hide behind here, and as soon as they come down, - we jump 'em.
- I love the hiding part.
Everybody get out your weapons.
Is it too late to switch? Great ruler here if anyone wants it.
- Incredibly accurate.
- Shh, here they come.
Get 'em! (all shouting) - BOB: Oh, my God.
- Hold on.
Hold on, stop, stop.
- Mom? Dad? - Kids? Oh, my baby, baby, baby, babies.
Oh, I'm so glad you're safe.
Did-did someone just hit me in the face with a ruler? - It was Gene.
- It-it hurt.
Oh, did it? Cool.
I mean, shame on you, Gene.
That's our father.
What are you kids doing down here? Why'd you attack us? We thought you were Blinions.
How did you know where to find us? You butt-dialed us.
We could hear you talking in the background.
Huh, that's funny.
I wonder who it could have been.
Who's got the most scared butt? Mom's got the most fierce butt.
Thank you, Gene.
But Dad's is the most lived-in.
Thank you, Gene.
I did it, okay, Louise? I called Mom and Dad, and told them where we were.
- It was me.
- Uh, yeah, I figured.
Oh.
Well, whatever.
We're all here.
Maybe you guys can help us get past this brick wall.
By the way, how long did it take you guys to figure out the door was in the mural? Way too long.
I still don't think - your mom gets it.
- I get it, kind of.
It's a mirror, right? - BOB AND LOUISE: No.
- It is.
- (loud boom) -(all gasp) - Oh, my God, what was that? - (booming continues) - You guys, look.
That step is rattling, like it's hollow or something.
Huh, that's odd.
Dad, help me lift this up.
Easy, Bob, easy your back.
- Lift with your legs, you're so frail.
- Oh, my God.
Why are we doing this? Whoa, a secret staircase inside a staircase.
It's an architectural turducken.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, that's great.
- Uh, now let's go home.
- What? No way.
We came this far.
We can't turn back now.
We're so close to finding the Bleaken.
Louise, the Bleaken isn't real, - and he didn't steal Mom's ornaments.
- Okay, fine.
Then how do you explain this? (gasps) One of my ornaments.
- What the - Where did you kids find this? Here.
That's what we're trying to tell you.
A map of the robberies led us to this area, and then we followed a trail of black feathers and footprints into this building.
Obviously, something is going on.
Where there's smoke, there's feathers.
Listen, kids, I'm glad you found one of the ornaments, and I am really glad you're okay, but there's no way we're spending Christmas Eve in a dark, scary warehouse.
Right, Lin? - Here's the thing, Bob.
- Oh, no.
Now, I'm not saying the Bleaken took my ornaments, - 'cause it could have been anyone.
- Right, sure.
- But somebody stole 'em.
- Mm-hmm.
And it sure seems like the kids are right, that whoever stole them is inside this building - right here, the one we're standing in right now.
- Mm So, I'm staying till I find my ornaments.
- Yes! - But you can take the kids home.
- What, wait, what? - I'm not leaving you here.
- Neither am I.
- I think she'll be fine.
Wait, I-I'm staying with Mom.
Me, too.
Who said she'll be fine? That sounded cowardly.
Okay, we'll try and find whoever stole the ornaments.
- The Bleaken.
- Not the Bleaken.
But you all stay behind me, and we leave in 20 minutes, no matter what.
- Tina, give me the ruler.
- No.
- Tina.
- Fine.
Let me show you how to use it.
- (grunts) - Ow.
I can't believe we're doing this.
Such a bad idea.
Such a bad idea.
Such a bad idea.
That's great, Dad, great for morale.
Keep it up.
Someone's stealing all the Christmas cheer Do you hear what I hear? Inflatable vinyl decorations make this time of year Do you hear what I hear? A Santy Claus standing on the lawn With a hidden Christmas surprise It's a grown man dressed in disguise.
- (Tina groans) - You still want to do this, Lin? - Because we can turn back.
- Some jerk has my tree, Bob.
Yeah, Dad, and that jerk happens to be a ferocious, mystical beast who's trying to ruin the holiday, just FYI.
Everyone's being really rational.
This is great.
Really, really, really, really great.
TEDDY: A jerk or two Out there in the night If he comes, he's gonna get a fight If he comes, I just hope he doesn't bite.
- (Linda moans) - (lamp crackles) - That's not good.
- All right, nobody panic.
W-We'll just wait till the lights come back on.
Or until we're killed.
(lamp crackles) (all screaming) (Tina gasping) LINDA: What the heck was that thing? I-It was a it was What do you think it was? It was the frickin' Bleaken! Okay, we should definitely turn back.
Bob, that thing can be explained.
I don't know how, but it can.
We got to keep going.
It's like IKEA.
We can't go back.
We got to push forward.
Watch out for Swedish meatballs.
Oh, okay, fine, we'll go toward the thing with feathers and the deer head.
All right, I'm gonna open this a crack, even though every part of me tells me not to do this.
Everyone stand back.
Oh, you're standing way back.
That's good.
(dance music playing) What is it? What do you see? It's, uh, not what I expected.
It's not a horrible pit of death? Hmm, I mean, it depends on how you feel about trance music.
Is this Moby's house? Oh, it's a (dance music playing) - rave.
- BOB: Yup.
Just a rave.
TINA: Whoever these people are, they have a lot of creative ideas.
Like the illusion wall and the secret staircase.
LOUISE: So instead of the Bleaken's nest, we get a bunch of people dancing like nobody's watching? What a rip-off.
(gasps) Look! TINA: Whoa.
Mom's tree.
Everyone, we're leaving in a second.
Right after I get my frickin' treetop back.
Mom is literally raving mad.
(dance music playing) I bet all this stuff is stolen.
Yeah.
And that guy stole my dance move.
I think that's the reading reindeer from in front of the library.
I recognize his glasses.
Stupid young people.
They think they can just take things for their fancy rave.
Don't worry, Lin, we're gonna get your tree back.
I mean, it's really high up, but DJ ELEV-8: Hey, everyone.
DJ Elev-8 here.
That's spelled with the number eight.
And this is asinine with the number nine.
Just a few minutes left until the clock strikes midnight and it's officially Christmas morning.
You all know what that means.
It's time to elev-8! - Ugh.
Unbelievable.
- Okay, I think if we just quietly and inconspicuously make our way over to I'm gonna get on that microphone and give these people a piece of my mind.
Please don't do that, Lin.
Please do that, Mom.
Bob, you go get my treetop.
Kids, you stand underneath your father in case he falls.
I got a party to poop on.
BOB: Oh, my God, that's so high up.
GENE: This is what I thought a rave looked like.
But it is not what I thought a rave smelled like.
TEDDY: Okay.
I can't take the smell anymore.
I got to move away from the dog poop.
(grunts) Damn it.
Oh whoa, oh, whoa! (shouts) Just got to get my arms under me, like a push-up.
Just got to do one push-up.
(grunting) What's wrong with me? I can't do one push-up? (straining) (grunts) (sighing) Oh, God.
This is really the stupidest way to die.
Don't worry, Dad.
You're not gonna die.
I mean, if you fall, it would be a tough road back, but you're not gonna die.
Yeah, I bet Santa falls off roofs all the time, and he's only in slightly better shape than you.
Just for the record, your butt crack's not totally out.
I know it, I feel it.
I feel the breeze.
- (microphone feedback) - Hello! Hello, people! Uh, can I have your attention please? Hey.
What the ? Get off of that.
Get off get off it Give it to me! What are you doing? I'm killing that mic.
Where's that damn switch? I know you're all having a fun time in your little rave cave, but I need to say something.
Normally, I would love to be doing a rave with you, but this is bull crap.
This is not what Christmas is about.
It's not about stealing things, and secret tunnels.
RAVER: We don't have a permit for this.
That's why we have all those things.
To keep people out Who brought her? And no one stole anything! Oh, go play ping pong with your ding dong.
You know full well what you did, you Christmas burglars.
Look, you took my treetop.
Uh, hi.
So we're taking it back.
And my ornaments.
But you know what I can't get back? My Christmas spirit! Huh, what's happening? Wha what is that? (crowd gasping) Whoa.
Hello.
(laughs) Most of the year, you know me as Cleavage To Beaver.
But it's Christmas, so tonight, I'm Miss Triple X-Mas.
- (whistling) - Welcome to our party.
I'm not sure what this grumpy lady is yelling about, but it's midnight.
So I'm gonna sing my Christmas song.
Twinkly lights Shine If one of them goes out, then none of them Light Whoa.
Or at least that's how It used to be Now the LED’s work a little bit differently But you know what I mean (crowd cheers) Twinkly lights, twinkly lights That's what makes Christmas bright All different colors, and all different types I mean, sure there are a lot of white lights But you need an assortment of lights To do it right Finally, a song about light-bulbs.
Marbles? Marshmallow? Dalton? And when they want to tell us that we're all wrong I'm here to tell you that we're All Lights - Oh, my God.
- You twinkle - You twinkle for me - Hi.
Excuse me.
Hi.
You're uh, you're not the Bleaken, are you? No.
I'm-I'm a person.
In a costume.
Well, just so you know, we could've taken him.
- Right, guys? - Yeah! We would've sent him back to Bleakentown.
I had a ruler.
I really don't know how it would've gone down.
(crowd cheering) - Oh, not again.
- Wait, wait, wait! Don't turn me off.
I want to apologize.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
I didn't realize how w-wonderful this party was.
I-I I couldn't see you.
I thought you were dumb kids.
MARSHMALLOW: I'm 23.
I thought Christmas gave up on me, but but maybe I gave up on Christmas.
RAVER: Can you tell us all this later? Wait, wait, listen! I, uh, I have to confess something.
Uh, something I did that I feel really, really bad about and now I wish I could undo.
I called the cops and told them the Christmas thieves are here and they're on their way.
I'm sorry.
- (crowd groans) - Oh, no.
You called the cops? They're gonna shut us down.
I know! I'm so sorry.
I'm really, really sorry.
- Hi, Marshmallow.
- Mm-mm.
I'm sorry I called the cops.
I feel terrible.
It was dark, and I couldn't see all your beautiful faces.
You called the cops and ruined our Christmas party.
-This party is all I have.
-Okay, I'll be honest, I have a couple different things going on tonight, so I was gonna leave, like, a little early, but this is still not cool, Linda.
Okay, I admit it.
I ruined your party.
I just got so mad.
I-I freaked out 'cause you stole my ornaments.
For the last time, lady, we didn't steal your ornaments.
Well, someone did! I did.
(gasps) Art, the naked artist guy? I confess.
I stole your tree, and these lights, and I did it by myself.
Don't blame anyone else here, it was all me.
And to think I gave you drugs.
But why? I was put in charge of decorations.
I didn't have any money.
And I didn't think it was hurting anyone if I borrowed a few things here and there.
I borrowed them, kind of.
And then I put all this up.
Oh, it is beautiful.
- Oh, I know.
- So how'd you boost our spruce? I hid it in the Dumpster in your alley when I left your party.
(gasps) You threw my tree in a Dumpster? I placed it, I placed it in the dumpster, very carefully.
Right next to some old meat.
And then, after I finished my nuding, I came back for it.
It's just, this party's usually at The Wiggle Room, and it always looks amazing.
And I know it's important to a lot of people, and I just I had a dream of making it look beautiful in here, to bring people a little bit of light.
(gasps) I had the exact same dream.
That's why I threw my Christmas party.
LOUISE: This one was way better though.
They were both good.
Who's to say? - I mean - Well, I They're here! The cops are outside! Well, I guess that's that.
Party's over.
Oh, my God, I am so late for this next thing.
I would honestly bring you all, but I don't even have a plus-one, so I doubt it would be cool to show up with, like, 500 people.
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on, hold on.
This party's not over.
Bob, what do you mean? Look, we called the cops.
I mean, you called the cops, I never would've done that.
The least we can do is save the party.
I have a plan.
I just need that costume.
GENE: Dad's about to get horny! Where's the god-dang door? - BOB: Hey! (whoops) - What the? Over here! I'm the Christmas thief! The Bleaken is real.
Come and get me! (panting) Ooh, hit him with the car.
This will be fun.
- Do it.
- (siren wailing) It worked.
They're chasing him.
The cops left.
Party back on! (crowd cheering) (dance music playing) LINDA: All right! (grunting): Ah! (panting): I'm up.
Stronger than ever.
(sighs) (siren wailing) (panting): I think I lost them.
(laughs) Oh, my God, the Bleaken's real.
(screams) (both grunting) -Bleaken? -Santa? -Bob? -Teddy? Oh, thank God, I thought you were uh, what are you doing? (panting): It's a it's a long story.
Eh, same.
It all started earlier, - when I heard from uh, Bosco, that - Uh-oh.
-They're coming.
-Wait.
- Are you running from the cops? - Yeah, yeah.
Very much.
I-I need to hide.
Uh, turns out, I'm bad at that.
I-I think I got the perfect place.
Hmm.
We lost him.
Oh, well.
How about we get lost in some Kung Pao chicken? TEDDY (whispering): This is a great idea.
I knew we could both fit in here.
-Well, we can kind of fit.
-Yeah.
- I mean, um, it's a little snug.
- Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Wait.
Aren't we right in front of your house? Couldn't we have just gone in there? - Shh, shh, shh.
- Teddy.
- Aren't we right in - Shh, shh, shh.
- Why do you keep - Shh, shh, shh.
- Teddy.
Why do you keep shushing me? - What? Yeah.
I thought I heard something.
- Oh, sorry.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
So stop doing that.
That's why I'm trying to stop you from talking.
Why? 'Cause I'm I have something to say.
- Yeah, what? Yeah, yeah.
Shh.
- I said We don't need to hide here, we could go Shh, shh, shh.
- Shh.
What? - I'm leaving.
- No, don't go.
- Good-bye.
- TEDDY: No, don't go.
- BOB: Teddy, let go of me.
TEDDY: This is the best Christmas Eve ever.
Don't ruin it.
- (dance music playing) - Well, I guess there's no Bleaken.
I kind of wanted to fight him.
Maybe there is a Bleaken.
Maybe we scared him away with our tough, badass, positive can-do attitude.
You might be right.
I mean, look at Mom.
I love Christmas! I love Christmas! - Mom, did you sleep? - She hasn't even sat down.
Uh, somebody gave me a little something at the party.
I feel amazing.
Hold on, I got to lie down for a second.
(snoring) Isn't she an angel when she sleeps? Well, Merry Christmas, everybody.
BOB: I'm just gonna, uh, feel her pulse.
Yeah, she's okay.
She's fine.
Twinkly lights, twinkly lights That's what makes Christmas bright All different colors, and all different types I mean, sure, there are a lot of white lights But you need an assortment Of lights To do it right Ooh, ooh And when they want to tell us that we're all wrong I'm here to tell you That we're All Lights - It's twinkle - Bright twinkly lights - Twinkly lights - They twinkle for me - Make it light - That's right Ooh, ooh White light, black light Twinkly lights, bright light White light, black light Twinkly lights.