Frasier s08e06 Episode Script

[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, Dad, you're gonna have to clear out.
Daphne and I are meeting with my lawyer.
Why go with that high-priced lady instead of the guy I recommended? Please.
Donny is suing me for emotional distress.
Your guy wanted me to limp into court wearing a neck brace and claiming not to speak English.
Hey, you don't keep an office in the mall for 12 years without knowing a few tricks.
- Hi, Niles.
- Frasier, I'm sorry I'm late.
- Is Abby here yet? - No, she's on her way.
These lawsuits have me so rattled.
You know me, Frasier.
Normally I'm unflappable.
Niles, if you flapped any more we'd have to lower you to half-mast on Veterans Day.
Sherry, anyone? FRASIER: Yes, please.
- Oh, yes, please.
I know how Niles feels.
I'm a nervous wreck about that deposition tomorrow.
First time I'm seeing Donny since our wedding and he's gonna grill me.
Once Abby preps you, you'll have nothing to worry about.
I don't understand you guys.
Instead of you each hiring expensive lawyers, why don't you just settle? Because we didn't do anything wrong, Dad.
Daphne changed her mind about getting married.
Donny is entitled to his pain, he is not entitled to sue everyone.
You guys are nuts.
Donny's a pit bull.
Why don't you come up with some cash, put it on a stick, and shove it into his cage? Oh, yes.
Thank you, Dad.
Don't even try to get the stick back.
Just run.
You know, Dad's fears notwithstanding, I have every confidence in Abby and her litigious prowess.
Yes, we've all seen you admiring her prowess.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about.
- Oh, hi, Abby.
Come on in.
- Hello.
- You know Niles and Daphne.
ABBY: Yes, hello, Daphne, Niles.
- Let me take your coat.
- Thank you.
Oh, my.
That suit is very becoming on you.
Is it new? Yes, it is.
And thank you for noticing, Frasier.
Oh, no.
Thank you for being so noticeable.
- Do I sound like that? - Yeah, but it's cute when you do it.
Please, make yourself comfortable.
Well, we're anxious to hear your battle plan.
We realise it's gonna be tough, but we're ready.
Donny's dropped the lawsuits.
- What? - When did this happen? He just called me now.
I took the liberty of calling your lawyer to let him know the good news too.
- Thank you.
- So, what happens now? Well, nothing.
It's over.
Congratulations.
I can't believe it.
Did Donny say why he's dropping the case? No, he did not, but we could call and ask him if you'd like.
- Oh, no, no.
- Oh, no, that's not necessary.
I think I know why he dropped the case.
Because I have the finest lawyer in all of Seattle.
NILES: Hear, hear.
- Thank you for a job well done.
My pleasure.
Congratulations.
- Oh, thank you, Abby.
- Congratulations.
You're welcome, Daphne.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you, Niles.
- Thanks.
- Absolutely.
All right.
Uh! You again.
[ABBY LAUGHS.]
I was actually looking forward to getting a shot at Donny in court.
But for your sake, I'm glad things ended this way.
Yes, well, there's no reason this has to be goodbye.
I think a celebratory dinner is in order.
Give me a call and we'll see when all of us can get together.
Yes, yes, all of us.
Yes, well, our schedules are really rather complicated.
We're rarely available together.
- I'm open.
- Any time's good for me.
Well, then, dinner it is.
Great.
I hate to rush off, but I have a mountain of paperwork.
Well, let me walk you to the elevator.
ABBY: All right.
That's very sweet, Frasier.
Thank you for escorting me.
Oh, thank you for being so escortable.
DAPHNE: Bye.
- Goodbye, all.
NILES: Congratulations again.
Abby, I just wanted to say how pleasurable it's been getting to know you.
The pleasure has been all mine.
You know, I'd hate to see my relationship with you end right now.
I was just thinking If you're gonna ask me out, you'd better hurry.
- Will you go out with me? - Yes.
FRASIER: Oh, hello.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Roz.
- Come on in.
I'll get you situated.
Thanks for letting me tape your CDs.
Since when do you two have the same taste in music? It's for Alice.
I read an article that said listening to classical music makes toddlers smarter.
Something about making their brain bigger or wider.
I don't know.
I believe the word you're looking for is "smartified.
" Oh, yeah? Well, guess which word I'm looking for now.
Actually, I have the perfect piece to start Alice off with.
It's Beethoven's "Sonata in C Sharp Minor.
" Now, I've laid out CDs here that will be appropriate.
I'm sorry I don't have the time to put together a programme for you.
But actually, Dad and I have our celebratory dinner tonight with Abby.
Dad, you know, actually, you should get ready to go.
- I thought I was ready.
- Think tie.
I'm way ahead of you.
Hey, you've been spending a lot of time "celebrating" with this lawyer.
Oh, yes, yes.
Well, actually, we've been out a couple of times.
I'm really rather taken with her.
She has a very playful side.
She took me miniature golfing last night.
Oh, sure, when she takes you, it's playful.
When I take you, it ends up as a short story in the high school literary magazine.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Dad, please.
"Through the Clown's Mouth Darkly" took second in the all-city fiction contest that year.
- Hello.
- Hello, Niles.
Oh, Frasier, these are for you.
Your doorman gave them to me.
Apparently your mail went to the wrong box.
- And these are for you, my love.
- Niles.
You're spoiling me.
I picked them myself.
Oh, Niles.
Cookies.
- Sweets for my sweet.
- Let's go put these in some milk.
Hey, I was just going to say that.
- No you weren't.
- I was, I swear.
Okay, this is getting spooky.
Well.
What is it? I just opened Abby's bill.
Seems awfully high.
I guess this must be the going rate.
It's just that Whoa.
I mean, I think Abby is certainly worth every penny.
Well, she better be, because Daphne's lawyer only charged half this much.
Well, that doesn't seem right, does it? I mean, they did the same amount of work.
Come on, Fras.
Abby isn't the first lawyer to pad a bill.
Well, maybe not, but, you know, Abby is not that kind of lawyer.
What world are you living in? They're all that kind of lawyer.
I admit $4000 does seem rather high for phone consultations.
Who the hell's she talking to? All her friends.
Bragging about the new sucker she's got on the hook.
[LAUGHING.]
This restaurant has a wonderful Roquefort ravioli.
I kind of had my heart set on lobster.
Come and help me pick one out.
I was just getting up to do that.
- No, you weren't.
- I was too.
DAPHNE: Spooky.
NILES: Spooky.
So, Abby, did you happen to get - any interesting e-mails today? - Yes, I did, but none that I feel comfortable discussing in front of your father.
Hey, Abby, you'll like this one.
We used to tell it in the precinct.
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don't know.
Depends on how many cops planted it there.
Thrust and parry, Dad.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Excuse me.
Abby Michaels.
Hold on.
It's a client.
Starting the meter, huh? I've already filed that motion.
It's up to them now.
No, no.
I don't think that they would try that.
But if you like, I could call them.
Or better yet, I'll send them a letter just so we're on the record.
Okay.
Bye now.
Sorry.
Where were we? - Aren't you forgetting something? - Goodness, you're right.
It's getting very late and I haven't even looked at the menu yet.
Nice choices.
What are you guys having? Well, I'm pretty sure someone's getting scrod.
So how were the lobsters? They were too cute to eat.
I'm having the veal.
Well, I propose a toast.
To frivolous lawsuits and the wonderful, charming clients they bring together.
Oh, well, hear, hear.
Abby, I'm sorry to spoil the mood.
It's just that your client Oh, right.
Thanks for reminding me.
Oh, I don't believe it.
Donny just walked in.
- I said, don't look.
- You did not.
Can you imagine anything more embarrassing than seeing us here? - Your menu's on fire.
- Well, that would be embarrassing - Put it out! Put it out! - No, not with the Dom Pérignon! NILES: Careful, careful.
FRASIER: Watch it.
- Oh, heavens.
- Oh, there.
FRASIER: Well, thank God.
All right, well Hi, guys.
Hi.
- Hi, Donny.
- Oh, hey.
- Daphne.
- Hello, Donny.
- Niles.
- Hello, Donny.
I realise you guys must be celebrating, but do you have to start a bonfire? - Oh, we're not celebrating.
- He thinks we're celebrating.
I know this is a little awkward, but I understand, don't worry.
In fact, I'm celebrating something myself.
- Did you win a big case, Donny? - No.
I got engaged.
Really? Well, boy, that's good news.
Yes.
Yes, it certainly is.
Thank you.
In fact, she's sitting right over there.
Wave, Nancy, wave.
Show them the rock, honey.
FRASIER: Oh, very nice.
MARTIN: It's lovely.
It's a big one.
- Congratulations, Donny.
DONNY: Thank you.
I was representing her in her divorce, and we realised that we were perfect for each other.
And you know, I know it's very sudden, but that's fate for you.
Yes, well, good luck to you both.
Thank you, thank you.
I should get back to my sweetie.
You guys should enjoy your dinner.
Incidentally, the fire exits are located there and there.
- Good one.
- It's sort of funny.
Boy, that was weird.
Now we know why he dropped the lawsuit.
- Yes, he's in love.
- Or on the rebound.
Well, either way, it's good news for all of you.
Let's order another bottle of champagne.
And by the way, dinner is on me.
Or rather, the firm.
Oh, no, no, I couldn't let you do that, Abby.
I wanted to pay for dinner.
Don't worry.
You are.
NILES: Oh, Frasier, I was just coming up to see you.
FRASIER: Oh, hi, Niles.
Say, you're looking a little green around the gills.
Oh, please, don't even mention gills.
The Yale Club had its annual lunch at Vashon Island.
All seafood.
- Oh, didn't agree with you? - Oh, no, the food was fine.
It was the 4-foot swells coming back on the ferry that didn't agree with me.
I'm afraid I was forced to return my sea bass to the sea.
Actually, I had sort of a rough day myself.
You know, I can't stop thinking about the bill that Abby sent me.
- Oh? - Well, you know, after witnessing her rather slipshod recordkeeping last night, I can't help feeling that I'm getting ripped off.
So I fired off a strongly worded e-mail today insisting on a point-by-point accounting of my bill.
Oh, good idea.
Nothing cements a relationship like calling the girl a crook.
Speaking of relationships, how about Donny's decision to get engaged? My God, talk about classic rebound behaviour.
Classic.
Is it just me or is this elevator swaying? Probably not the wisest decision Donny could have made at this point.
You know, maybe somebody should have a talk with him.
Stop.
Don't even think about it.
Right now the only thing Donny needs is to be left alone.
- Oh, hi, Daph.
- Hello.
- Where are you off to? - I've got to see Donny.
Why in the world do you have to see Donny? I'm worried about him.
He's making such a rash decision.
I just wanna make sure he's okay.
And it's not just about that.
We never really had a proper goodbye and I feel bad leaving things the way we did.
What you're looking for is Closure.
Yeah.
I knew you'd understand.
- Niles, are you feeling okay? - Oh, yes, I'll be fine.
Well, in that case, when I get back, this will all be behind us.
We can celebrate.
I'll make us a nice big English country dinner.
Steak and kidney pudding.
ROZ: Hold the elevator.
Hey, Daphne.
- Niles, I need your opinion.
- Oh, really, I was just about About some more classical music to tape for Alice.
- What? - Yeah.
Oh.
I, uh Frasier gave me this list, but it has over 300 names on it.
Who do you think is best? I would really rather not read right now.
Okay, well, off the top of your head.
Alice really loves up-tempo numbers.
Last night we were listening to "Peer Gynt" and she started doing all these little ballerina moves.
You should have seen her, she was so cute.
She would sway back and forth to the music and do these little spins, a jump.
I was doing it with her, but I started to get so dizzy.
The room went around and around and around.
- Oh, never mind.
I'll ask Frasier.
FRASIER: Hi, Roz.
Where are you going? What about the CDs? I'm sorry.
Take what you like and mark it on the sign-out sheet.
Niles, thank God you're here.
Come with me.
There was a message on the machine from Abby.
She said she needed to see me right away.
She must have gotten my e-mail.
The message was so short that I can't really tell what sort of mood she's in.
I guess if she'd been really angry, she would've left some indication.
Well, then again, being a savvy lawyer, she might not really wanna tip her hand.
Whatever happens, I feel confident that I made the right decision.
Oh, thanks, Niles, you've been a support.
- Hi, Dad.
MARTIN: Hey.
Oh, Niles, great news.
Tony the chilli guy got his vendor licence back.
Check it out.
- Oh, you have the rings? - Right here.
- Okay.
- Are you nervous? Well, yeah.
I'm excited.
I can't believe Nancy's finally gonna be my wife after all these weeks.
Okay.
Daphne, what are you doing here? Your receptionist told me you'd left for court.
- This is not a good time.
- I know.
You're probably in the middle of a trial, I'll be brief.
Donny, after seeing you at the restaurant last night, I want you to know I'm worried about you.
- Okay.
This is about Nancy? - I'm sure she's a lovely person and I probably have no right saying this, but I hope you're not rushing into anything.
- Look, Daphne - I know, I know.
I'm way out of line here.
But I still care about what happens to you.
Take the time to get to know each other.
Believe me, you'll be glad you did when the day comes you finally do get married.
- Yes.
Hi.
- Well, what do you know, it's here.
I'll meet you inside.
I'll be one second.
I'm sorry.
Okay? I'm so sorry.
- My timing is so terrible.
- Not really.
If you hang around a few minutes, we can get you on the wedding video.
I really had no idea you were getting married so soon.
Well, call me crazy, but I've got a prejudice against long engagements.
- Mom, hi.
- Sweetie, you look so handsome.
It's you.
- Hello, Mother Douglas.
- Mrs.
Douglas.
You have some nerve showing up here.
You can beg all you want, but he's not coming back.
- Mom, Mom.
- He's done crying over you.
- Mom, she knows.
- I don't want you to go back.
- Mom No, I'm not.
- Don't you dare, don't do it.
DONNY: I'll see you in a minute.
Look, Daphne, I don't mean to rush you, but is there anything else? Just this.
I never really said how sorry I was about what happened.
I really am.
Well, Daphne, if it puts your mind at ease, I know what I'm doing.
I'm happy.
I'm ready to go on with my life.
So Yeah, no, I'm Hey.
Goodbye.
Donny.
Congratulations.
Thank you, Daphne.
- Oh, there you are.
- Listen, I got your message.
It sounded kind of urgent, so I came right down.
I suppose you read my e-mail.
No, actually, my computer's been down all day.
But if it's anything like the last one, well, then, I guess we'll know what overheated my hard drive.
MAN: Lt'll need a few minutes to reconnect to the server - and then it will be up and running.
- Thank you.
Yeah.
So, uh, why did you call me? Well, Frasier, I thought we could celebrate.
Really? Celebrate what? Well, this morning, I was called down to the conference room and all the partners were there.
I thought they were going to yell at me because they found out I had given you a discount.
But instead, they told me I made partner.
You gave me a discount? - I mean, congratulations.
Well, gosh.
- Thank you.
Oh, my God, you certainly deserve it.
What kind of discount? - You didn't even notice, did you? - No, no, I did notice.
I did.
I swear to God I noticed.
I even pointed it out to Dad.
That's very sweet.
You're the sweet one.
I'm not always sweet.
Oh, Abby.
COMPUTERISED VOICE: You have e-mail.
I'm not reading them.
The office is closed.
That's a very good decision.
That is partner-level thinking.
Wait.
What am I thinking? You've sent me another one of those naughty e-mails, haven't you? Maybe we should act this one out.
No, no, actually, I just I just forwarded you an ad for reduced mortgage rates.
- Then why are you blushing, Frasier? - Because they're embarrassingly low.
- This says, "Re: Our relationship.
" - All right, you're on to me.
Now, listen, come here and sit down and relax.
And I will read it to you.
Prepare to be scandalised.
"Dear Abby.
I read your column every week.
" I'm kidding.
Uh No, okay, okay, this time this is the real stuff now, all right.
Um "I'm lying here in bed and I can't stop thinking about you.
" This is getting good.
Oh, you like that, do you? All right.
"Your golden hair cascades down your bare shoulders, and I kiss the curve at the back of your neck.
" I'm very lonely over here.
- Oh, gosh, I've deleted it by accident.
- Oh, no, that's too bad.
I really wanted to hear the rest of that.
Well, you know what? We can write a new ending together.
But there's no need to rush.
Listen, we'll just start very slowly at the beginning.
And then we'll move gently into the middle.
And then I'm sure you'll want to add a few plot twists of your own.
Then finally we'll just What are you reading? Your e-mail.
You printed it by mistake.
You think I'm ripping you off? No.
No, no, I did not use those words.
Actually, I just took issue with a couple of figures.
And you come in here and lie to me? No, "lie" is a very strong word.
Well, so is "chiseller.
" Listen, Abby, I realise I've made a terrible mistake.
And I wrote some very harsh things.
But, to my credit, I did attempt to delete it before you had a chance to read it.
- Get out.
- Oh, come on.
Look at the two of us.
We can't stay mad at each other.
I said, get out.
And to think that I almost slept with you.
FRASIER: You still can.