Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s08e06 Episode Script

I saw Charlie Parblow.
Talk to yourself, Compo.
I saw Charlie Parblow - "well, I'll go to the foot of our stairs!" All right.
Calm down.
It's not like seeing Anne Boleyn.
Charlie Parblow is still among us.
I ain't seen him for yonks.
Have YOU seen him for yonks? No.
But I've not been looking for him.
It never occurred to me that I'd LOST Charlie Parblow.
Tall lad.
Wore glasses.
Used to give the pencils out in 3C.
Shows how long it is since HE'S seen Charlie Parblow.
Seemed to have a permanent discharge in his ear.
Poked at it with 3C's pencils.
I looked at MY pencil carefully! You wouldn't recognise him now.
Great posh prat! Just retired.
Office Management(!) Good old Charlie.
Peace at last.
He's finally stopped giving the pencils out.
Did he recognise you? I THINK he did.
He looked at me.
Then darted across the road as if he'd forgotten something.
He'd not forgotten everything, obviously! I think he remembered me when I said "Hey up, Charlie.
" That must've made his day(!) No.
No, I think he were glad to see me.
He went bright red as he dragged me into this empty shop doorway.
I thought "Hey up, that's friendly!" He had a posh suit on.
I wonder whose it was.
It were HIS, you twit! He's done all right.
He'd have done better if he'd crossed that road quicker.
Did his ear look all right? I didn't notice his ear! Can't have been a pencil in it, then.
He's doing all right.
I asked him.
"Can't complain", he said.
He's got a pension and a bit tucked away in a Eunuch's Truss.
A Eunuch's Truss?! Don't you mean a "Unit Trust"? That's what HE said.
I like it.
If ever I have any spare money, it's going into a Eunuch's Truss.
I don't care about thieves - nobody would poke around THERE! BLARING CAR RADIO AND RACKETY ENGINE Hey up, it's Wesley.
RADIO BLASTS OUT Want a lift? Turn it down! What? Sorry.
I've got to keep it up or you don't hear a thing in this noisy old minx.
Want a lift? Spoken like a gentleman.
Takes one to know one.
Very accommodating of you, Wesley.
Dun't 'e speak luvely? Can you get it to kneel down or something? RADIO AT FULL BLAST No? No.
He said he'd be here.
He swore it.
I'll be all right on me own.
You WON'T.
How can I leave YOU on your own?! I'd never rest.
But I'm learning the business.
I don't want to be uncharitable, but you're a long way unready from going solo yet.
I know what it is - you don't trust me.
You're RIGHT.
It's the first thing you've got right all week.
I'm improving.
You said I'm improving.
That was Tuesday.
I got carried away.
You went nearly all day without breaking anything.
Except my heart! Have you finished? You may take mine.
Aaand mine.
Have you finished? Yes Quite finished.
What about your fried bread? I've had enough fried bread.
Assert yourself! Eat the damn stuff! Can I take his fried bread? Take it, take it.
Are you leaving these chips!? Yes! And she told you to eat your fried bread! Drink your coffee! RADIO BLASTING OUT He likes his music, does Wesley.
Yes.
We have a technical term for such people.
Unbearable.
Ivy has the air of a woman under pressure.
That's just how my missus looked on the days when the Reverend Garth Winstanley B.
A.
was due to call.
Be gone, you fool! It's your lucky Break! Break! Will you take him off the streets! He forces you, in self-defence, to aim for places where no lady ought to go! You have an instinct for finding these terrible places.
- You said you were hungry.
- For food, not experience! You said the first place we saw.
Admittedly, it's a bit basic.
Basic!? It wasn't SO bad Pay the bill! The Reverend Garth Winstanley used to call on Thursdays to chat confidently about the Lord and eat home-made fruitcake.
My missus would butter it for him.
He had this patronising smile and very large teeth for a Christian.
I never missed a church parade.
I enjoyed the ceremony.
I think God likes a military band.
If I get to heaven, I'll soon put a stop to this solo harp lark.
You'd be short of musicians.
Every bandsman I know heads straight for the pub.
Get off! Hey up! Everybody's dressed up! Good morning, missus.
Pay the bill! There's no-one to pay it to.
Come here! I'm only saying good morning.
You're embarrassing the lady.
Embarrassing to say good morning?! Somehow it is when YOU do it, yes.
Why's that, Norm? Somehow you make this powerful first impression.
I do.
I'm great at first impressions.
I wish you'd do an impression of a normal human being.
When people first clap eyes on you something stirs in the race memory.
I hope it's not that last race at Doncaster! When people see you they remember that it's only a few hundred years since coach parties of Vikings were tripping daily round here, laping and rooting or whatever.
We don't want to go into THAT.
I'm like a Viking? They were short, terrifying and repulsive.
I AM ! Whoa-ho! I'm like a Viking! And, subconsciously, people recognise that.
He would be left behind.
There's always some idiot too drunk to get the last bus home.
I'd be great at laping and rooting.
Probably put you in charge.
A foreman laperer! How about THAT? Come on, little son of Thor.
SHOP! Will you keep your voice down? We Vikings didn't come all this way to be kept waiting to be served! Come along! You've got three hungry Vikings here.
Let's have some service if you don't mind.
You could have found somewhere more respectable.
That's right, blame me! Give me that bag.
Mr Crabtree! Mr Crabtree! Where have you BEEN? Sorry.
My bus was delayed.
Never mind.
Have no fear, my dear.
I'll look after your establishment with the care I used to give MINE.
Fine, come on.
Now look what you've done! Mr Crabtree! I hope you soon feel better, Mr Crabtree.
Well, that's it, then.
We're closed.
Closed!? We don't have to close.
I can look after things.
Milburn, this is a tricky profession.
Where's Mr Crabtree? On his way to Casualty.
It IS a tricky profession.
Can my combined talents be of use? NO! No.
We're closed.
I hate closing, but we're closed.
This profession has just got too many snags.
Lock the door after THEM.
It seems a shame the woman has to close.
I don't know about you, but I think it's a shame Aunty Ivy has to close.
Just because he needs supervision.
I didn't like the way she thought I wasn't up to the task.
She weighed THEE up.
Mmm.
If you feel like interfering, don't forget Mr Crabtree.
Who was Mr Crabtree? A responsible person.
Who's ex-Corporal Dewhurst? A big long dollop.
A big long dollo A responsible person! Just think of Aunty Ivy's pleasure when she returns to find that it's been business as usual.
But she said I was to close! And she said I was to "cleanthepaintwork overthefrontwindow.
" Not only business as usual, but cleaning up the paintwork.
I think we've got it.
I don't need a new suit.
You do need it! We can adjust the sleeves.
They can adjust the sleeves.
It's popular material.
It's popular material.
I don't think it will be with me.
It is with ME.
I'm fed up with you taking me out in your old suit.
We could go out less.
He likes it.
We'll take it.
I like it.
We'll take it.
I'll wait on.
You will NOT! You will stay behind the scenes in the kitchen.
Why the kitchen? Because all catering establishments have a little tatty herbert, just like you, kept in the kitchen.
Oh.
Why didn't you say? CRASH In my opinion this amounts to heavy-duty catering.
Real macho catering.
Mind how you go.
Good morning.
How do? He means "good day, sir".
Here.
Put your bum on there.
Would you care to take a seat, sir? Thank you.
I had him first! Get IN that kitchen! I won't go in the kitchen till I know what MY customer wants.
You can't get the staff nowadays.
What may I get you, sir? What's your hot dish of the day? Erum Cold.
Your hot dish of the day is cold?! If there's anything else we can tempt you with Cold chicken? Apart from cold chicken.
I know what you want! You'd like a nice ham salad.
Why don't I have a nice ham salad? Ham salad.
One ham salad.
Where is everybody? Through there.
Bit keen in here, aren't they? You've stumbled into a period of activity.
I know how you feel.
Actually, it's ME what's in charge of the whole, entire thing.
I'm learning the business.
What about you? I'm just a passing idiot.
You may have come to the right place.
Ham salad.
And two thin slices of bread and butter.
And a thumb-print.
Who ordered that? I told you not to wait on.
He doesn't usually.
Nor do YOU! At least I'm suitable.
For a waitress, I agree.
Give us a hand with the ladders, will you? Enjoy your thumb-print.
You'll be all right, lad.
It's perfectlysafe.
My chaps have a firm hold of the ladders.
"My chaps"?! Oh, my chaps! Ho-ho.
That'll be enough of that! That's fine.
Off you go, lad.
That's fine.
You'll be all right.
Just put your foot on the plank.
That's the way.
That's right.
Jolly good.
It's wobbling! Wobbling? No, I don't think so.
There might be a faint tremor but you can cope with that.
Just watch me and follow my signals.
It's wobbling.
I felt it that time.
Wobble, wobble! Look, come down, will you? Justcome down.
He's hardly a graceful aerialist.
The trouble with all that muscle is that they get clumsy.
Let Clegg have a go.
ME?! It's got to be you.
I have to hold myself ready for instant catering.
Someone will be holding the ladder.
But I'm not very good at heights.
I like a bit of terra firma.
And the more the firma the less the terra! Just watch my signals.
I'll guide you.
Don't worry, Norm.
You're perfectly safe with Butterfingers here(!) You're shaking the ladder! A shaking ladder!? I won't perform on any shaking ladder.
You've shattered his confidence.
Did you hear it snap? It IS nice to be back on the ground! Being on the ground suits me down to the ground.
It's not THAT high.
It looks different from up there.
I remember thinking, "It looks different from up there.
" I'd go, but not in these trousers.
You'd think the END was in sight! Don't exert yourselves.
I'LL do it.
I should have done it in the first place.
Instead of leaving it to subordinates.
Hmm! You learn in man-management circles that subordinates can seldom be relied on.
Ahyesititit DOES look different from up here.
NO! DON'T! Hold the ladder.
I AM holding the flaming ladder! Hold the plank! Hey up, it's Nora! I'LL serve her! Don't let go! Come back, that man! Morning, Nora.
Morning, Wally.
I've got a new suit.
I'm sorry to hear that, Wally.
Where are you going?! Don't leave! This is a direct order.
Do NOT, I say again, do NOT abandon this plank.
It's a popular material.
Ah.
Hey up, Nora! Who let YOU round there?! Where will he spring from next? Oh, Nora, LOVE.
When I see thee my old heart goes bumpity-bump Not with wrinkled stockings on! Have you seen who's here? Are you going to stand there and let him insult me? Listen, I've enough trouble with me new suit! New suit?! Don't tell me, Wally, tha's got a new suit! At my age! At my age you start thinking of the more PEACEFUL years.
I was very happy in this old suit.
This is no time to be optimistic, but you'll get used to each other.
Do you think so? Of course you will.
Once you've taken it for a walk, stuffed its little pockets full, taught it how to sit.
Yeah.
It'll follow thee anywhere.
Hello.
Hello! Who's that? Is anybody in there? We'd better get him down.
He can get down himself.
AAHHH! CRASH FROM OUTSIDE I told you.
Eh, listen, thanks, folks.
Can't say the FOOD was much, but the floor-show! Ah, good.
Come again.
Was it a good idea, or was it a good idea? For us to do all the hard work? Planning.
The old computer.
How about a toasted sandwich? You've had three already! Hey up! It's rationing again.
Get a move on.
Wesley will be back at 3 o'clock for his vehicle.
I'll inspect your work in a minute.
Hey, Foggy bog off.
I bet there was someone like him when they built the pyramids.
That's why they end in a point.
They ought to have been a square until a certain former corporal started poking his papyrus in! I can see him with a little whip.
Woops.
High-rise flats.
That's what pyramids were supposed to be.
I bet he looked a right muffin in an Egyptian mini-skirt.
Hey, Norm.
I wonder where he wore his stripes! Aahhh! Yarrgghhh! YOU DOZY GREAT PRONG! Some sense of humour, these Egyptians.
If you've finished this area, it's time to move along a bit.
ENGINE REVS Be ready for my signal to stop.
Now, move it along, slowly.
ENGINE OVER-REVS Sorry.
Where are you going? Up the Nile.
Come back, that man! RADIO BLARES OUT WESLEY! No! Follow me! WESLEY! STOP IT! WESLEY! WESLEY! WESLEY! HORN TOOTS HORN TOOTS RADIO BLARES