Desperate Housewives s08e07 Episode Script

Previously on Lynette confronted Tom's new girlfriend.
You think maybe you could stop trying to take my husband away from me? You think I'm gonna give up on him just because you can't accept your marriage is over? Hey, Mike! Ben found out about Mike's past Ex-con? And hired him.
I can definitely use you.
Bree showed Gaby the threatening note.
I'm sorry to burden you with this Why did you have to tell me? And then she discovered the location of Ben's new development.
We're digging up the body? Ben's bulldozers start tearing up the woods tomorrow morning.
Where are Carlos and Susan? I didn't wanna freak 'em out.
And Susan has done nothing but freak out, so it's just us.
- But when they got there - No! They found someone had beaten them to it.
No matter what the circumstances, Bree Van de Kamp always found a way to stay in control.
She curbed her impulses.
She enforced a strict dress code.
She maintained a strong moral center.
Yes, Bree was always in control, so when it came to handling a crisis This is a nightmare.
What are we gonna do? It made perfect sense that she was in the driver's seat.
Yeah.
I mean, I can't believe the worst thing that happened tonight was not getting to move a dead body.
Ladies, please, I need to hear myself think.
Oh, my god! What if he's alive? Right, and after a 2-month dirt nap, he clawed his way out.
No, someone must have dug him out.
But who? What if it was the cops? No! I can't go to jail! What, and we can? Yes! You'll start a gang.
Bree will work in the kitchen.
I'm the smallest one.
I am so ending up somebody's bitch! Shh! It wasn't the police.
They would have treated it like a crime scene, and that awful yellow tape would have been everywhere.
Okay, then.
Think about this, Bree.
What if it's someone who knows what we did, and it made them sick and now they're going to tell? Why is she talking like that? Gaby is engaging in wild speculation, which isn't at all productive.
There has to be a simple explanation.
We just need to take a deep breath and think, and the answer will be right in front of us.
Susan.
Oh, my god.
Of course! Why would Susan move the body? Because she's cuckoo crazy.
She's been flipping out ever since we buried the guy.
Okay, then what if it was her? What do we do? We march over and we ask if she did it, and if she did, I know an empty grave that's going to waste.
But if she didn't, then we just admitted that we went to the woods without her.
Imagine what cuckoo will do with that.
Clearly, we have to be diplomatic, crafty.
We'll ask indirect questions, scan her house for clues.
We'll gather information without arousing suspicion.
Okay, Bree.
Well, seems like you got a good handle on this.
Definitely.
Let us know how it goes.
Yes, when it came to a crisis, everyone was happy to have Bree in the driver's seat Fine.
I'll talk to Susan.
Even if Bree herself would have preferred to be a passenger.
As the mother of five, Lynette scavo was used to uncomfortable questions.
Why are you eating Santa's cookies? What happened to my goldfish? Why were you and daddy making funny noises last night? Yes, after five children, Lynette thought she'd heard it all, until there was one question Are dad and Jane gonna get married? She never saw coming.
Why would you ask that? I don't know.
They're spending a lot of time together, and It's okay.
You can say it.
They seem really happy.
You told her to say it.
Honey, just because people are happy and spend time together, it doesn't mean they're gonna get married.
I mean, your aunt Renee and I spend time together.
And we're not getting married till your mom makes a lot more money.
- I'll get it.
- Yeah.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You all ready to see "Wicked"? - Hello, Lynette.
- Hello.
Oh, my god.
Look at your hair.
We're twins.
Yes, you are.
Penny, where did you learn to do that? Jane taught me.
Oh, it's easy.
I could teach you, too.
Oh, I know how to do it.
Okay.
Uh, we should go.
We might not be home until 11:00.
- On a school night? - It's my fault.
I went to high school with the wicked witch, and she invited us backstage.
Is that okay? O-oh, my god.
Can I, mom? What can I say? Since you asked me in front of Penny.
- Let's go, zuzu.
- Yeah.
Bye.
"Zuzu"? Yeah.
She's got a cute nickname for Penny.
I bet she's got one for you, too "doormat.
" What? It's bad enough she stole your husband, and now you're letting her take your daughter, too? What am I supposed to do? I'm not gonna drag Penny into the middle of this.
Well, apparently, Jane doesn't play by the same rules.
I think it's time to fight dirty.
I don't know how to do that.
Well, you're in luck.
She might have gone to school with the wicked witch, but you went to school with me.
It's portfolio review time.
That's the special moment where I tell you all how you're letting me down.
Okay, uh, speaking as a former teacher Still pontificating.
Now some might say, "He must think pretty highly of himself" "to judge other people so harshly," to which I say, yeah, he does.
Can you believe this guy? I would die for him.
Yeah.
That's a healthy attitude.
So while you're opening your portfolios and arranging your works, let me tell you what I do not wanna see.
Bowls of fruit.
Portraits of children.
Frigid winter landscapes.
Lush summer vistas.
However, I do enjoy a nice ocean scene Just so it's not ruined by the addition of a sad, little sailboat.
Did you look in my portfolio? As a matter of fact, I did.
I wanted to steel myself for disappointment.
Okay, again, as a former teacher, that's not how you motivate people.
Apparently not.
You haven't grown an inch since you started my class.
Your work's the same as it's always been technically proficient but totally boring.
You never surprise me.
Amy, on the other hand, is nothing but surprises.
Thank you.
Don't talk, dear.
Her technique is atrocious.
Cats with crayons could draw more convincingly, but what she does is real, and it bleeds.
And I love it.
I would follow him into hell.
I think we already have.
Celia, get back here! Give me that now! Hey, hey, hey, enough with the screaming! Come on.
Sit down.
Come on.
What are we having? Spaghetti and meat-shapes? Well, they started off as balls.
What do you want from me? Is daddy eating with us? No, sweetie.
He's taking a nap.
Celia! Use a fork, not the doll.
Mom, remember that cabin on the lake? Can we rent it again for spring vacation? Spring? It isn't even Thanksgiving yet.
I know, but we always plan our vacations in the fall.
Well who knows what we'll be doing then? Let's just worry about that later, okay? But we know we wanna go there.
Why can't we plan it now? Will you just stop?! Just eat your food.
And what am I gonna tell her? "Sorry, sweetie.
We can't rent that cabin" "'cause daddy and I might be in jail by spring.
" Will you stop? We're not going to jail.
You can't promise that, Carlos.
It's been two months.
Nothing's happened.
Relax.
Where's this coming from? I'm just saying, a cop could show up at the door any day and destroy our family.
And we don't even have someone to take care of the kids.
Sure, we do.
We named a guardian when we did our will.
Yeah, Susan.
She'll be my cellmate, and we'll be making license plates with Bree and Lynette.
Ah, right.
Well, we'll just find someone else.
How about McCluskey? Are you kidding? I've got meat in the freezer that's gonna be around longer than she is.
Oh, I know.
I know, and they're perfect.
Bob and Lee.
No, think about it.
Two gay guys who could have been out dancing every night, adopted a child? They chose this? Yeah, what does that tell us? They're unstable.
No, I'm serious.
They're great parents.
Yeah, they are.
Okay.
Bob and Lee.
We'll ask 'em.
But don't worry.
We're not going anywhere.
Can't promise that.
Dad and Jane are coming.
I'm gonna wait on the porch.
Oh, and Jane's cooking, so I won't need dinner.
Everything okay? I'm sorry.
I was just looking at all these pictures in your baby book.
I guess I was getting a little nostalgic.
Mom, my baby book has, like, five pictures in it.
But they're really good.
You wanna see? Look.
Here's you with me and your dad at your 1st birthday.
Look at us.
We were really a family then.
We're a family now.
Aren't we? Of course.
Oh, of course.
It's just Just what? Well, since you asked, things are going to be different since your dad brought Jane into the picture.
You don't like her, do you? Oh, I didn't say that.
She's a very smart lady, and she obviously knows how to get what she wants medical career, other people's husbands.
But I'm not gonna say anything bad.
I know.
You like her.
Well I thought she was nice.
She is to you.
Maybe that's because she's trying to steal you, too.
But like I said, I don't wanna say anything bad.
You should go wait out on the porch.
You don't need to sit here listening to my legitimate whining.
I don't wanna go over there.
I wanna stay here with you.
Well, if you feel strongly about it, and I can tell you do, I could call your dad and make an excuse.
Would you? Sweetie, I would do anything for you.
You are my daughter my biological daughter.
Thanks.
I love you, mom.
I love you, too, bobo.
"Bobo"? We'll work on it.
Ugh! I hate you, Andre! Susan.
I rang your doorbell twice.
Is everything okay? Oh, I can't get his voice out of my head.
Voice? Yeah.
He keeps telling me how bad I am.
Oh, really? Uh, does this voice also tell you to do things? Sorry.
I know I must sound crazy.
It's just, I've been staring at this blank canvas for two days.
I don't sleep.
I don't eat.
Do you dig things up? - What? - What? Did you just ask me if I dug something up? Oh! I think someone's been staring at a blank canvas too long.
Bree, what's going on? Why are you here? Okay, I'm just gonna come right out and ask you.
- Did you - Hey.
Mike, what are you doing home? I-I thought you were meeting Ben about the job.
Yeah, I was, and then he called and said he had to cancel.
Something happened at the site, and they had to shut down the whole project.
That's weird.
Y-yeah.
Did he say what it was? No.
But he sure didn't sound good.
Well, I really should be going.
Wait.
You said you were gonna ask me something.
No, I didn't.
You really need to get away from those paint fumes.
Guardians? Yeah! You know, in case something happens to us, we think you guys would be terrific parents to our girls.
What an honor.
Well, you know, we love Juanita and - the other one.
- Celia.
Tip of my tongue.
But you have so many closer friends on the lane.
What about Susan? Yeah, that'd never work.
Why not? Um, well, Susan is a racist.
What? I-I've known her for years.
I've never seen her be racist.
- It's new.
- Yeah.
What about Bree? Yeah! An alcoholic with a house full of guns? Genius.
Lynette? McCluskey? Anyone at all? Hang on.
You guys have a problem with the girls? It's just, we're still learning how to take care of one kid.
You've got two, and they're both You know.
What? Monsters.
You know it.
We know it.
Why are we dancing around it? I was gonna say "Spirited.
" No, no, no, no.
See, they used to be like that.
They've changed.
They're all grown up now.
I babysat them two months ago.
Juanita punched me in the neck, and the other one bit me.
Celia.
Her name is Celia.
Okay, you know, seriously, guys, they're like different people now.
So well-behaved.
Yeah.
Y-you have to see it to believe it.
You know what? That's a great idea.
What? What is? Why don't you have us over for dinner tomorrow? And we can see how well-behaved they truly are.
Oh, my god! That is a great idea.
But I don't know about tomorrow, because the girls are busy with their bible pageant, and their extensive charity work.
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow.
- Bye, guys.
- See you at dinner.
- We're dead.
- Yeah.
Okay, Bob and Lee are coming over for dinner tonight.
That gives me nine hours to teach you to be courteous, gracious, and well-mannered exact opposite of what you usually are.
This is why you kept us home from school? Oh, you're in school, and class is in session.
Okay, now which one is the salad fork? What's salad? When is the last time you brushed your Is this a lollipop?! Told you it wasn't a good hiding place.
Come on.
Think! Who won the Tony for best musical in 1995? This is too hard.
Why can't gay people like cartoons? Did you get that out of the garbage? Didn't you get my message? About Penny not being able to come over? Yeah.
Been getting a lot of those messages lately.
Penny?! So why are you here? To see my daughter.
I wanna find out what's going on.
Hey! Hey, dad.
I haven't seen you this week.
Is everything okay? Yeah.
I've just had a lot of homework and stuff.
Why don't you do it at my place? You know, if it if it's science, Jane lives right upstairs, and she's a real Brainiac.
No, thanks.
I'd rather have mom help.
Do you have a problem with Jane, sweetie? I've got a really big test tomorrow, so I should Hang on.
Hang on.
May-maybe you and I need a little one-on-one time.
You-you remember that park where I taught you to play catch? Well, I'm gonna be there tomorrow after school just me.
We can hang out or or do whatever you want.
What do you say? Okay.
That's weird.
Penny and Jane were getting along great, and then, uh, all of a sudden All of a sudden what? Did you say anything to her about not liking Jane? Penny's a big girl.
She has her own opinions.
Okay.
I just wanna make sure that we remember that this thing between us is between us, not the kids.
Hey, don't blame me.
I'm not the one who jumped into a relationship without thinking about the consequences.
You made your bed with someone else.
I'm gonna go help our daughter with her homework.
Bree? Hello.
I wanted to celebrate your first day of construction with lunch.
I'm already eating.
There was a little problem.
Really? I hope you don't think me nosy if I ask My guys found a body buried in the woods.
Oh, my.
Did you call the police? Not yet.
So they found a body.
How? Uh, doing soil samples.
Um, they dug it up halloween night, put it in a storage shed.
And why have you waited so long to call the police? 'Cause I keep hoping I'll find a way out of this.
'Cause once I call, my project becomes a crime scene.
They shut it down.
I lose a lot of time, and a lot of money.
What a shame.
It must be so tempting to just make the body disappear.
I'm sure you've considered re-burying it or dissolving it in acid or wrapping it in heavy chains and dropping it in a lake.
I'm sure you've considered that.
Y-yeah, yeah.
Of course I have.
Uh but if I hide this, and it comes out later, I'm committing a felony.
And I I can't take that risk.
I know, but think of all the people who'll lose their jobs, and-and what about the the poor men who dug up the body? They-they could face charges.
I know that, Bree.
I'm sorry.
You're just saying the same stuff I've been thinking all day.
But there's no way out of this.
There isn't, is there? I got to go call the cops, get this over with.
Bree? He was a horrible man.
Wh-what? You know who this was? He hurt a child Someone I care about very much, and he was gonna hurt her again.
Bree, did you kill him? Well, tell me you didn't kill him.
I need to know before I go to the police.
I didn't kill him.
My friend did, and I helped bury him here.
Oh, god.
And you want me to to make this go away.
I know it's a lot to ask.
But yes.
That's what I want.
Well, I'm sorry, Bree.
I can't.
And thank you, lord, for this wonderful food.
And bless our good friends, Bob and Lee.
We are so grateful to have them as our neighbors.
And bless their daughter Jenny who is away at her sleepover.
We miss her so much.
And bless all the children of the world whether they have a mommy and daddy, two mommies, or two daddies.
- Amen.
- Amen.
That was really nice.
We never pray before meals at our house.
Well, some meals you just need to pray before.
That's a beautiful dress, Juanita.
I guess.
Oh, Juanita.
Don't be modest.
Isn't there a story behind that dress you'd like to tell? Well, actually, it's kind of like Anita's dress in "West side story," my all-time favorite musical.
You like musicals? Hmm.
Do I like musicals? Of course you do, silly.
You love them! All right, I'm gonna have to owe you.
I'm out of singles.
I can break a $5.
Such a good girl.
She sure is.
- Anyone need salt? - No.
- Oh, god.
- You broke me.
And now you're inside.
I can't paint.
I just stare at the empty canvas and wonder how much you're gonna hate what I do next.
Oh, I can help you with that.
You can? Yes.
I'll hate it a lot.
We good? What do I have to do to get you to take me seriously? Hey.
O-of course.
It makes perfect This is why you like Amy better in class.
No, I like Amy better in class because she's a better artist.
This is why I like her in bed.
See ya.
So as you can see, Susan, I'm a little busy, so if we're done We're not done.
I am totally adrift in that class.
Okay.
Would it help if I told you what your grade is? No.
I-I-I-I mean, that's not what I was - You're getting an "A.
" - Really? Well, actually, an "A"-plus.
Oh, wait.
I'm sure that's not enough for you.
You probably also need to know everybody else will get a "D.
" Amy, you're getting a "D.
" Okay! Congratulations, Susan.
I do not want you to give me a fake grade.
It doesn't mean anything if you're lying.
Well, why not? You're lying.
No, I'm not.
Every time you sit down to paint and don't paint the fear and pain that's in you, you're lying.
Every time you care what somebody else thinks about your art, you're lying.
Uh, I have to go.
I used to think you were holding something back, and now I wonder if there just isn't anything there.
So enjoy your "A"-plus, but don't come to my class anymore.
We're done.
Gaby, it was a wonderful night.
And you were so right about the girls.
They are an absolute delight.
When they sang the "Dreamgirls" number goose bumps, seriously.
Aw, I'm just glad you could come.
You guys are so special to us.
Gaby, did you leave the garage door open? Oh, I mean, you're practically family.
That's why when we were thinking who we'd want to be guardians of our precious angels, you two were the only ones we considered.
I mean, the girls absolutely adore you, and What? Oh, dear.
This aside, it was a pretty good evening, wasn't it? I don't get it.
What were you thinking? Your father and I did not raise you like this.
Sorry.
Can you just tell me why? I want to understand.
I thought you liked Bob and Lee.
I do.
They're nice.
Then I'm confused.
Why'd you do it? Fine.
Go to bed.
We'll talk about your punishment tomorrow and how you're gonna make this up to them.
Is daddy dying? What? No! Why would you even say that? Because you guys have been acting different, and daddy sleeps a lot, and everyone seems sad.
Even when we're happy, it's like I don't know.
Just sad.
Daddy's fine, and mommy's fine, too.
Then why do you want us to go live with Bob and Lee? I heard you guys talking about it.
Sorry.
Honey, it's called being a guardian.
Every family has that.
It's just in case.
But trust me, nothing's gonna happen.
So we can rent that cabin for spring vacation? Sure.
And everything's going to be okay? You promise? Cross my heart.
Okay, last week it was a teething biscuit caked to my ass, and now this? Why are we stopping? What are you looking at? Penny's meeting Tom here for some one-on-one time, And I wanted to make sure Saint Jane didn't make it a threesome.
Threesome? Looks more like a lonesome to me.
She didn't come.
Well, maybe she's busy.
You said Jane's a doctor, right? I was talking about Penny.
She didn't come.
Well at least you don't have to worry about Jane busting up your family.
You're right.
I seem to be doing that just fine on my own.
Hello, Bree.
Chuck.
What are you doing here? Relax.
Just police business.
Following up on a missing person report.
Have you seen this man? Two months ago? The night of that dinner party.
We were walking to your house, and we passed him.
Right here.
You remember? I've never seen that man before in my life.
Have you ever heard of microexpressions, Bree? They flash across a person's face for a fraction of a second, revealing their true emotion, instead of the one they're covering with.
It's how cops know when people lie.
Well, that's all very fascinating, but I don't have time for this.
For example, um, when a person is distressed, their eyebrows go up, causing lines to appear across the forehead.
Don't touch me.
Do you know, the funny thing is I don't need a microexpression to tell me when you're lying.
'Cause I know that look from personal experience.
I saw it every time I was in your bed and you said you loved me.
So since I know you're lying, why don't you start telling me the truth? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm a cop.
I know.
Keep harassing this woman, and you're gonna wind up an ex-cop.
Um, you might want to watch it with the tough guy act, buddy.
Oh, unlike you, officer, it's not an act.
I'll be seeing you.
Big mistake.
Well, he's a delight.
Oh, god.
I'm shaking.
Hey, hey, hey.
Does this have something to do with, uh what we talked about in the woods? Yes.
Then you've got nothing to be scared about.
Well, it's pretty hard to build a case without a body.
Oh, my.
Thank you.
Why would you do that for me? Ah, you never know.
Maybe someday I might need something from you.
What are we what? I thought we were going to the mall.
- No.
- Sweetie, listen Can we get outta here? Please? No, we can't.
You need to spend some time with your dad.
I don't want to.
I'm not giving you a choice.
Look at him.
Look.
You know why he's sitting over there? Because he misses you so much.
Then he shouldn't have left us for Jane.
Well, that's not what happened.
He didn't leave us.
He left me.
And he didn't do it for Jane.
He did it because we just don't make each other happy, and then he met Jane, and I guess she does make him happy, so here we are.
But you said that Jane I-I know.
I said a lot of things I shouldn't have.
I'm sorry.
He loves you, Penny.
We both do.
There's no bad guys here.
There's just people trying to figure things out, and there's one of those people.
And I know he would love to play catch with his daughter.
You're way prettier than her.
You, uh, want something to drink? Uh, no.
This isn't a social visit.
I need to ask you something, and I couldn't do it over the phone.
Oh? Remember when I said I might need you to, uh, color outside the lines from time to time.
Yeah.
We found a body out in Chapman woods.
Now it's probably just some homeless guy.
But if we report it I'll take care of it.
Just like that? There's nothing else you need to know? It's better if I don't.
I owe you one.
Ah.
Oh, hey, Ben.
Hey, Susan.
Uh, I'm just leaving.
See you at work.
So you got the job? That's great.
Yeah.
Just wait till you hear what the job is.
So Ben will dispose of the body, permanently, he assures me, and we will be in the clear.
Wow, just like that.
- Bree? It's me! - Come in! Did anybody else think this would feel better? I think it feels great.
Well done, Bree.
Guess we got away with it.
Oh, thank god you're here.
Susan, what's wrong? Okay, uh you know how Ben is putting up these new condos? He's doing it in Chapman woods.
And some of his guys found the body.
He just asked Mike to get rid of it.
- What? - You're kidding.
Get out of town! What's going on? Sweetie, we kind of already knew.
Who told you? No one.
We k-kinda went out there to move the body, but it was gone.
And-and then I went to Ben, and he had it, and he was planning on getting rid of it.
So, wait.
Y-you knew all of this, and it never occurred to you to tell me? Yeah.
But bright side is we're all in the clear now.
- Yeah.
- Chardonnay? I don't believe it.
You drag me into this thing.
I am out of my mind with guilt, then there's this massive complication which could endanger me and my family, and you don't even tell me? And here's why we didn't tell her.
What the hell does that mean? Oh, let's face it, Susan.
You're kind of a loose cannon.
Yeah, I mean, 15 minutes after we made a pact to keep this secret, you were begging us to tell Mike.
Oh, yeah? Well, guess what? I didn't tell Mike.
Carlos did.
So who's your loose cannon now? What? Why would Carlos do that? Oh, I don't know.
Maybe because unlike you, he has a conscience.
Oh, don't push it, Susan! Hey, hey, hey.
Take it easy.
The important thing is the body is gone.
We're gonna be okay.
Yeah, as long as we don't get another letter.
What letter? Yeah, what letter? Gaby, we never told them about the letter.
Crap.
Susan, wait.
No, no, you get a blackmail letter The same one Mary Alice got, and you don't tell me? We didn't think you could handle it.
You said it yourself.
You're out of your mind with guilt.
Our pact was to keep this thing a secret, not to keep secrets from each other.
We're done.
Oh, don't you think you're overreacting a little? I don't think she is.
What's your excuse for not telling me about the letter? Well, honey, you were going through all that stuff with Tom.
Yeah, we were trying to protect you.
Protect me? What am I, a child? Someone knows what we did.
I have a right to know that.
Of course you do.
You know what my life feels like right now? Everything I thought I knew, everything I could count on is going away.
That's not true.
You can count on us.
No! Apparently I can't! Yes, we're all seeking control over something in our lives.
We may want to cover up the remains of a troubling secret or ease the pain of letting go or erase the mistakes of our children.
But sometimes the only way we can truly change our lives Finally.
Is by letting go completely no matter what the cost.