Family Guy s08e07 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy From Time Life Music comes a one-of-a-kind Rat Pack collection.
Their most bigoted songs.
All your favorite once acceptable hits, like Drunk Old Injun.
The drunk old Injun squatting in his teepee Firewater keeping him warm Jewish Nose.
She's got a big beautiful Jewish nose And it's there two minutes early wherever she goes Dean Martin singing Chinaman's Chance.
And Mister Chinaman say in his Chinaman way a- ding-a-ling, a-ching-a-chong a- ching-a chong-chu Pew, Stinky Frenchman.
Paris is lovely, and Nice sure is nice And Marseille is charming with champagne on ice But you, stinky Frenchman, haven't a clue Pew, stinky Frenchman, frog you Hey There, Fruity.
Hey there, fruity You can do my hair Hey there, fruity Don't touch me down there Hey there, fruity You're gay and I don't approve And many more.
- You know, I'm sick of looking at that.
- What? That empty space! It just reminds me that Cleveland's not here anymore.
Yeah, it's just not the same without him.
I sure wish he Hey, guys, look! It's him! Hey, Cleveland! Why didn't you tell us you were back, buddy? Oh, it's a lamp.
You know, guys, I've been thinking.
We need a new fourth guy for our group.
We're a man short, like Statler without Waldorf.
You know, without the other guy yapping in my ear, these guys aren't half bad.
Now, I know you're interested in being the fourth guy in our entourage, Kevin Connolly, but don't you think you're a little small? Listen, I tell you what.
You can be in our group if I can have some of your cereal.
Oh, no! They're after me Kevin Connolly charms! Okay, so what do you think you can bring to our group, guys who have been in the country almost long enough to not have accents? Well, friend, if you're looking for fun times, we're the males for you.
You said it to him, mick.
Last night we went to club and it was totally bitches.
Oh! We had to wait in line for, like, but then we made friends with the brown bouncer, and it was cool sailing from there.
How's your friend search going? - Not great, Lois.
- What friend search? We're just trying to find a friend to replace Cleveland.
We've been meeting people for the past three days.
Well, you don't need to look for somebody new.
I'll hang out with you guys.
Yeah.
You know, I don't think that's gonna work out, Brian, 'cause of the whole Quagmire thing.
- What Quagmire thing? - You know, just that he hates you.
- Quagmire hates me? - Hates you.
I don't get it.
Why Why wouldn't Quagmire like me? Because he thinks you're annoying, like people who never shut up about their kids.
He would have been four today.
I still don't understand.
How do you drown in an inch of water? Well, I guess I don't have a new sweater and a haircut.
Who would have thought it would be this hard to replace Cleveland? You know, guys, we've kind of been ignoring the obvious here.
I mean, if you really break it down, what we need is a black guy.
Yeah, that was the best thing about Cleveland.
Oh, by far.
I sure do miss him.
Peter's right! We got to find another black guy! Yeah, because otherwise, we're just a bunch of boring white guys, like a London gentlemen's club.
Hey, you guys want to enter the darts tournament? First prize is free drinks all night.
Well, we'd love to, Horace, but there's only three of us.
Did I hear some sorry-ass fools in need of a mother-loving fourth? I'll join your darts game.
How do we know you're any good? Gentlemen, we got us a black man.
Oh, boy! What a fantastic evening! Jerome, you are a wonderful addition to our group.
Hey, thanks, Peter.
I like you guys, too.
What do you say we hit another bar? Keep it going? I can't.
There's a girl tied up in my basement who needs some food.
That's funny.
You funny, pointy man.
Yeah.
I joke around a lot.
Well, I'm enjoying you, too, Jerome.
Welcome to the clan.
I mean, I'm glad we got to hang.
I mean, you're a good negro.
- No, I - Relax, man.
I like you, too.
Okay, yeah, that's all I was trying to Yeah, good evening.
Thanks for the lift home, Jerome.
Hey, if you got time to come in, I'd love for you to meet my wife.
I got time for whatever I want, fool.
My watch don't tell time.
I tell it.
Wow! You're cooler than a York Peppermint Pattie.
When I bite into a York Peppermint Pattie, I get the sensation of being on a frozen mountaintop! It has been two months since I made the tragic choice to bite into a York Peppermint Pattie, and still I have made no progress finding my way out of the mountains.
The only food I have is the rest of this York Peppermint Pattie, which, unfortunately, keeps bringing me back to the top of the mountain.
If anyone finds this, tell my family I love them.
of being on a frozen mountaintop! Hey, Lois, I'd like you to meet our new friend - Jerome? - Loose Lois? What? You guys know each other? Know each other? - Peter, Jerome is an old boyfriend of mine.
- What? Sorry, I was out of it.
Wait, are we being robbed? Peter, I know I told you about Jerome.
Lois, I would have remembered if you had told me that.
I told you, Peter.
I remember exactly what we were doing.
I slept with a black guy.
I hope this doesn't make you feel awkward, my man.
It was a long time ago.
Hey, that's a beautiful baby.
Mind if I hold him? Go right ahead.
Hey there, little fellow.
What's that around your neck? Well, I say! It's a little black Jesus.
Black Jesus I rode into town on an ass, yo mama's ass.
Black Jesus It was really good to see you, Lois.
We should grab a coffee or something and catch up.
Oh, that would be great.
It was really nice to see you, too.
Well, it's getting late, Jerome.
I'm sure you've got stuff to do.
Yeah.
I got to go down to the gas station and buy a framed painting of a tiger.
Catch you all later.
You're not really gonna hang out with him, Lois, are you? We're just friends, Peter.
Don't tell me you're jealous.
Well, you dating that guy, it's just a lot to take in.
Oh, you You're telling me.
Come on! Those kinds of jokes aren't helping! Well, what do you want me to say? You're being silly.
I mean, Jerome and I dated over 12 inches ago.
I said "inches.
" - What did I just say? - I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Okay, look, just relax.
You're my husband and I love you, so just put Jerome out of your head.
Get him out of my life is more like it.
Brian, I just found out Chris Farley died.
Yeah, that happened, like, 12 years ago.
But I just watched Tommy Boy yesterday.
He was right there.
Yeah, that's a movie.
It's shot beforehand.
It's not happening right now.
Really? But I thought my knocking on the TV glass distracted him, and that's what made him fall down that hill.
Seeing him fall down that hill put me in a good humor.
Stewie, get lost.
What are you doing just standing out here? I'm waiting for Quagmire to get his mail.
I'm gonna conveniently stroll by and strike up a conversation with him, and maybe find out why he hates me.
I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding.
You'll smooth it over.
Hey, Quagmire.
What a coincidence! You and me just running into each other.
How're you doing? Fine.
Taking a break, huh? She's a hot piece of ass.
And from the looks of it, she likes it rough.
That's my sister, Brian.
Her boyfriend has been beating her mercilessly.
The last thing she'd want right now is to be objectified.
Oh, God, I'm really sorry.
I got a deaf brother! You want to make fun of him, too? Where is she? She's not here! Get out, Jeff! Just get out of here! I'll get out when I'm finished! You feel good about your sex joke earlier, Brian? He's savagely beating her again! You hear that? Yeah.
I'm not deaf.
What? Like my brother? Boy, you have no class! Yeah, that's the guy's brother, man.
Yeah! Shut up, bitch! Hey, you know what they say.
See a broad, to get that booty, yak them.
Leg her down and smack them, yak them.
Cold got to be.
- Shit.
- Lf you'll excuse me, I'm gonna order me some cheap cognac and put it in a fancy glass.
Boy, Jerome is the greatest! We really lucked out.
I don't know, you guys.
I'm not so sure about Jerome.
I mean, how do we know we can really trust him? What are you talking about, Peter? Jerome's awesome.
Yeah.
Why the hell wouldn't we be able to trust him? All right, you guys want the truth? Before me and Lois were married, our new friend used to slip her the old Pringles can.
Well, so what, Peter? That was 20 years ago.
That doesn't matter! Look, Peter.
Jerome's the coolest guy we've met since Cleveland left.
Yeah, don't do anything to ruin this, Peter.
You know, the way you ruined my parrot.
I just bought it yesterday.
Isn't it beautiful? Cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple! - Cripple.
- Damn it! That son of a bitch! Thinks he can sleep with my wife.
Not on my watch! Listen, I don't care that you're dating Mallory.
Nobody in this family likes you, Nick.
You just stand your ground, garbage-sculpture man.
They'll come to respect you.
You bastard! Nick was no good for her and it broke Skippy Handelman's heart! Dear God and Black Jesus! Black Jesus The kingdom of God is inside you, at least it will be in a second.
Black Jesus Jerome? What the What the hell are you doing here? Oh, Peter, something terrible's happened.
Somebody burned down Jerome's house last night.
This whacked-out world! It just makes you want to grab your nephew and get in a van and shoot people in the DC area.
Yeah, well, when I find the guy who did it, I'm gonna rip his arms off and do his wife over and over nice and slow in front of him! And no one would blame you.
But meanwhile, Jerome, you are more than welcome to stay with us.
- What? - Oh! Well, thank you, Lois.
Man, I'm so lucky to have real friends like you and Peter! Well, I guess you can stay here.
But I'll tell you one thing Hang on a sec.
- What is that? - I don't know.
It's trying to do something.
Oh.
Well Well, I guess we're just gonna have to wait.
So, how long is Jerome gonna be staying with us, Dad? I don't know, Chris, but the sooner he's out of here, the better.
I don't trust him around Lois for a second! Oh, God, Jerome, that is so good! Yeah, it's so hot and moist! Mmm! These scones are delicious.
You are quite the little baker, Jerome.
- Oh, thank God! - What's going on in here? Relax, Mr.
Furley.
I thought what you thought, but it's okay.
Well, it sounded like I know.
I know, but it's fine.
Go back to being dead.
Peter, is everything all right? Yeah.
Yeah, Lois.
Everything's fine.
You guys having a little breakfast? Yes, and Jerome made scones.
Would you like one? Oh, they're delicious! I thought maybe later today, we could all Oh, my God! Mom's choking! Out of the way! I'm an EMT.
Her airway's jammed.
Come on now.
Just like that.
I need some gravitational help.
Oh, no! Her clothes are constricting.
As are mine! Oh, my God! Thank you, Jerome.
You saved my life! Um, "I'll have what she's having," says the funniest person in the room.
Hey, what are you getting all dressed up for? I'm treating Quagmire to a night out.
Really? I thought he hated you.
How did you convince him to go? I tricked him, sent him a phony card.
He thinks he's going on a date with an old girlfriend.
- But instead, you're going to show up.
- You got it.
Yikes! That's a recipe for disappointment, like walking a floral arrangement through an office full of fat women.
Is there a Miss es? - Oh.
Brian? Where's Cheryl Tiegs? - Well, she's not coming.
I wrote you that because I knew you'd never come if it was me.
But I planned a big night, and we're gonna have a great time.
Brian, Cheryl was the one that got away.
She was the great love of my life.
I thought this was my chance to finally achieve some real happiness.
Ever since she left, I've been chasing girls to fill the hole she made when she walked out.
Now I'm forever lost! Well, I bet a thick, juicy steak could help fill that hole, huh? Oh, come on! It'll be great.
Listen, Glenn, I want us to be friends.
I think we could be an even better team than Lewis and Clark and the guy who likes to rip up maps.
- All right, the Northwest Passage.
- Hey, could I see that? Damn it! You ass! - Easy, Clark.
- I hate that guy! - It's been a long trip.
You're tired.
- No! I hate him! Look, you're angry.
You're dehydrated.
Just have some water from the canteen and you'll feel better.
Okay.
I just totally drowned this ant hill.
Hey, when are we gonna get there? Ah! And this is Peter and I at our wedding.
Oh, you look beautiful, and he's a handsome fellow, ain't he? Well, I am ready for my evening.
Oh, my God! Peter, what the hell? Peter, what are you doing? Surely, Jerome, you don't want to stay in the same house as a ghost who carries a torch around? Fire ghost! You scared yet? Didn't know this place was haunted, did you? Peter, take that thing off! Hey, what the hell's going on? I'll tell you what's going on! I have had about enough of you, Jerome! I know you want my wife, but you can't have her! You are no longer welcome in my house! What you talking about, Peter? But you can't have sex with Lois! Now, I want you out of here right now! I can't believe this.
I thought I found a true friend in you.
I'd never do anything to hurt you or your family.
Now you're breaking my heart.
Jerome, wait.
He doesn't know what he's talking about.
I'm sorry, Lois.
I think it would be better if I left.
Peter, I'm sorry if I caused you any trouble.
I won't be bothering you again.
Wow! What just happened was kind of sad.
So, whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here? Hmm.
God! Look at the size of these steak knives.
What are they serving us, Tyrannosaurus rex? Not likely.
Hey, what if I just drank this whole bottle of ketchup? Can you imagine? You dare me? Kind of ruins it for the next person who might want some ketchup.
- So, how's the flying business? - Not so great.
The economy's sort of taking its toll.
Lot of salary cuts.
A lot of layoffs.
- Yeah? - That's pretty much it.
I mean, you want to learn more, read the papers, go on the Internet.
I don't know.
Boy, that's got to be an interesting job! I bet you got How do those things work? - What? Planes? How does a plane work? - Yeah.
You want me to sit here and explain to you how a plane works? - I don't know.
Yeah.
- You want to maybe just go? Quagmire, come on! I'm really trying hard here.
Who asked you to try hard? Nobody, but all I'm trying to establish a friendship with you.
All I've done is try to be nice to you and you still don't like me.
How can you not like me? Okay, I'll tell you.
You are the worst person I know.
You constantly hit on your best friend's wife.
The man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death, and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard.
And you're such a sponge.
You pay for nothing.
You always say, "I'll get you later," but later never comes.
And what really bothers me is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos.
Yeah.
I date women for their bodies, but at least I'm honest about it.
I don't buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some seventh-grade interpretation of how Holden Caulfield was some profound intellectual.
He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat.
And that's why you like him so much.
He's you.
God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible.
You know, I should have known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note.
She would have known there's no "A" in the word "definite.
" And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda.
How we should "legalize pot, man.
" How big business is crushing the underclass.
How homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America.
Well, what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian.
Never seen you down there.
You want to help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ.
Wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion, for that matter, because religion is for idiots! Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father.
How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore.
That's the worst of it, Brian.
You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore! I'll see you, Brian.
Thanks for the fucking steak.
Boy, it sure is nice having our house to ourselves again, huh? Lois? Peter, sometimes you just make me sick to my stomach.
Look, I know you think Jerome was a good guy, but No.
He was a good guy, Peter, and I'm gonna prove it to you.
And you're gonna feel like a real jackass.
- What's that? - It's a gift for you.
You don't deserve it, but if anything, it's gonna wake you up a little bit.
Jerome got you this as a thank you for letting him stay here.
It's an actual prop from Family Ties.
This is one of Nick's garbage sculptures.
Yeah.
Pretty thoughtful, isn't it? Oh, boy, do I feel like a jackass! Lois, I'm sorry.
I just I let my jealousy get the best of me.
Jerome's such a cool guy.
And I guess I was worried he was cool enough to steal you away from me.
You should know better than that, Peter.
Now, I think you have an apology to make.
Hey.
You look like you could use a pal.
Oh.
Hi, Peter.
Look, I'm sorry about how I acted.
It's just Lois means everything to me.
And when I saw you together, I didn't know what was gonna happen.
I just thought you might try to mount her or whatever it is you guys do.
Peter, how could you even think that? I would never do anything like that to you.
You were my boy.
We were like family.
Yeah, I know.
I messed up bad.
I'm really sorry, Jerome.
We're cool, Peter.
We're cool.
But, listen, there is something I got to fess up to.
While I was living with y'all, I had myself lots of nasty-ass sex with Meg.
I don't care about that.
- Hey, Brian.
How'd it go? - Fine.
Have you been crying? What happened? It didn't work.
He still hates me.
Do you want to know something? That's okay.
You don't need Quagmire to like you.
You only need one person to like you, and that person is you.
And I'll tell you something else.
I like you.
Thanks.
- You want to sleep in my room? - Yeah.
That'd be nice.
- Good night, Brian.
- Good night, Stewie.
Oh, come on, man.
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