Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s08e07 Episode Script
LLCH500S - Uncle Of The Bride
KNOCKS ON DOOR One to be signed for this morning.
For me? I do NOT deliver to wrong addresses.
No offence intended, Rosemary.
I've never lost ANY post.
And I've got the biggest round.
I believe it.
I believe it! I don't know who she thinks she is, believing she's got clean steps! I'll show her clean steps.
And not just when company's coming! PERMANENT clean steps! KNOCKS ON DOOR KNOCKS AGAIN He'll not be up.
He was singing when he came in last night.
He's never up early after coming home singing.
Is he in good health? You don't think he's dead? Nah.
He just looks that way.
Ooh, I dread that happening.
I just know, sooner or later, I'm going to be delivering to somebody dead.
It's most inconvenient when you require a signature.
This'll do it.
It's no good shouting.
You can call all day when they're in drink.
There's summat about the ale round 'ere.
Hey up, Nora.
Can't tha get friendly at some decent hour? What made you think I'm friendly? There's a parcel you've to sign for.
Her?! I'm not signing for anything that size! Get your body down here! Is that a Post Office uniform? YES, it is! Weren't there any vacancies in the S.
S.
? I've never seen a parcel for him before.
I expect it's a mistake.
Then it's on the part of the sender.
Final demands are more usual for him.
Oh, get something on! Give us a kiss.
Away! A parcel for me? Sign there.
No freeborn Englishwoman should be obliged to hand deliver into THAT.
It's from Foggy.
Oh? It's a decorated egg.
That's nice.
Is it edible? It's ornamental, you fool! - Oh.
Ornamental.
- Extremely intricate workmanship.
- What do you with them? - Nothing! They're for display! Oh.
Display.
Foggy made it himself.
Laid another egg, has he? I can't say I'm surprised.
His uncle left him a decorated egg business in Bridlington.
He's got a stall on the harbour, selling decorated eggs to visitors.
No wonder the place is crowded.
You can't take enough precautions.
They warn you to be careful but how can you avoid some uncle who's careless enough to die and leave you decorating eggs? He says you'll know where to come then, for yourdecorated egg.
We'll have it there.
No, not there, we'll have it there.
That's a fine buttonhole you're wearing, Milburn.
I wish people wouldn't call me Milburn.
I was hoping this foliage would give the place a Palm Court look.
It's not working, is it? Oh, and speaking of not WORKING No shouting, not this morning, Ivy.
I've got a do-it-yourselfer building sharp corners in my head.
He's been on the beer again.
I'm having second thoughts about that, Milburn.
We don't really have a Palm Court clientele, do we? It's more your POLICE court.
When I get married, will they still call me Milburn? Knocked up at dawn for a decorated egg.
I hate being wakened up suddenly.
It's given me headache.
Oh.
I assumed it was all that ale you shifted last night.
We had to drink to Wesley's lass's wedding tomorrow.
I hope it's not as wet for her as it was for us last night.
So this is what Foggy's doing.
Sitting on Bridlington harbour decorating eggs.
What a great big nelly! He's still got his killer instinct.
Where? He wants £3 for each of these.
Eh? Didn't you read the enclosed bill? That wasn't just wrapping paper.
Three quid?! They're normally £4.
This is an Introductory Discount.
The cheeky prawn! What's he after? The Queen's Award for Overcharging? What are we going to do with a 3 quid decorated egg? BOTH: Wedding presents for Wesley's lass! Bring it in, Milburn.
We'll take it back.
Who ordered salad? UNHEALTHY NOISES COME FROM CAR Wesley! How's it going there, Wesley? Great! Just the odd wrinkle needs smoothing out.
But she's great.
They built some guts into this car.
BANG! I think she's constipated.
She's good for another 100,000.
Listen to that! Sounds like somebody's knuckle.
That's ALLOY.
There's no rust gets in that.
Tha'll get no passengers in either.
Not if they've any sense.
You've never had an ORDINARY car.
It's always something you've built out of old railway bridges.
You've NO mechanical soul.
You never get excited about machinery.
What about him with his finger in the mangle? Look at them lines! She'll be all shiny tomorrow.
My lass'll ride to church in style.
You're not driving Glenda to church in THIS? What ELSE would I drive Glenda in? I've been working on her for MONTHS.
Yes, I should need persuading too.
Not Glendathe car! She'd be better off on the bus.
"The bride," it will announce in the in the papers, "was driven to church in a post-vintage cloud of smoke".
I'll get rid of t'smoke by then.
Don't go away.
We've got a couple of wedding presents for Glenda.
Well, that's right nice of you, lads.
They're not much Well, I thought so, until I saw your car.
Don't give 'em to me.
I'm all confused.
We'll take 'em to the house! Well! It's most kind.
Our Glenda WILL be pleased.
I hope you haven't invited them.
You have, haven't you? You've invited them.
I'd just like somebody there I can get ON with! Has that one got a suit? 'Course he's got a suit! I've never seen YOU in a suit for years.
Have you tried it on lately? It were fine last time.
Your grandad's funeral? That was 12 years ago.
I don't like wearing suits.
What's this? Our Seymour's washing.
Take it up to him.
Keep your mucky fingers off! You do ALL his washing.
Me own brother! Have I got to take it now? I should think I DO do his washing.
You know his wife left him.
She left him 20 years ago! He's used to having things done for him is our Seymour.
He's the brains of the family is our Seymour.
CAR BACKFIRES UP HILL Ughugh! Our Seymour! That's all I ever hear is Our Seymour.
He's the Brains of the Family is Our Seymour.
He's a pillock is our Seymour.
Who's Seymour? Me brother-in-law, that's who.
Oh, you'll LOVE Seymour(!) CLEGG AND COMPO COUGH Retired headmaster.
Used to run this little private school.
Very badly.
He were always borrowing money.
Some people are always borrowing money.
That's true.
Like me.
I've never borrowed a lot of money.
.
.
Won't say I haven't tried.
Is he, eris he highly qualified then, your Seymour? Yesin not doing his own washing.
How many shirts has he got? One for every day of t'week.
Me too.
This is it.
He's not coming to wedding in that.
Relax.
We'll do him up a bit.
A bit? Couldn't you try a lot? What does he do to need all these? Perhaps he's a betting man.
He gets on your wick, that's what he does.
Him and his brilliant ideas.
Thinks he's God's gift to technology.
But who ends up doing all the work? Never Seymour.
Biggest twit since lunch was invented.
Oh, you'll LOVE Seymour.
BOTH: Oh, we'll LOVE Seymour! Hey, Wesley! What the hell's that? His old school flag.
He always flies it when he's in residence.
You're looking at the Registered Office of the Utterthwaite Postal University.
Did you hear that, Norm? The Utterthwaite Postal University! Everybody to attention Salute the flag! Ta da-a-a-a! Look at that.
"These premises are protected by patented security devices"?! Can't afford a dog.
TINNY ALARM GOES OFF Oh, I like that one! That's really ingenious is that one! Don't you drop that washing.
Don't you drop that gate.
He's usually round t'back.
ENGINE STARTS UP Hellothat sounds like his latest.
His Self-Propelled Wheelbarrow.
Self-propelled wheelbarrow?! I'll give thee 6 to 1 this Seymour turns out to be a right tulip.
Oh, I hope so.
It's ages since we came across a right tulip.
Ah ha! Wesley! Can't stop now! Aagh! CRASH! Why? What have you got against Seymour Utterthwaite? Why must you always be so damned intractable?! I think she's geared a smidgin high.
I'm afraid you've caught me in the middle of things.
Wouldn't have missed it! We enjoyed it! Who ARE these people? Hey up These people?! They talk like that in Harrogate.
Have you ever been to Harrogate? It's all right.
They're with me.
But are they secure? It's ALL RIGHT.
But will they talk about what they've seen? Oh, yes, I will! A self-propelled wheelbarrer! You're a real card! Repeat after me: I do solemnly swear I do solemnly swear.
I do sullenly swear.
Not sullenly! Solemnly! Solemnly! It's no good! I thought he said sullenly.
They're going to blab.
They are.
One thing I LOATHE is a blabber.
Lord, how I detest chaps who are sneaks! Who's a sneaky little chappie then? We came down hard on blabbers at the Utterthwaite Academy for the Sons of Gentlemen.
Utterthwaitonians didn't BLAB.
You had to watch what they wrote to parents.
They used to complain about food, work.
All they wanted to do was to idle their time away.
But ask them to wallpaper Utterthwaitonians didn't wallpaper? Yes, but you could see the joins.
I've got trousers like that.
You've got legs like that.
I had one in 3B who COULD wallpaper.
And he was Portuguese.
The Saxons just got smeared in paste.
The boys I've had to have scrubbed! Then they'd moan about the cold water.
Fingers quite blue.
But that never stopped them scribbling notes to Mummy.
Was I supposed to send them to bed sticky? They'd all stick together! Couldn't you invent hot water? Have you any idea of heating costs? No! They hadn't either.
The senior maths class would do my quarterly accounts.
They remained very cool on the brink of my financial disaster.
All my life I've been under-capitalised.
I know the feeling.
With all these shirts? He's got more shirts than a big launderette.
Why do you keep looking down? You'll have us off the road.
Whatever are you looking for? Nothing! Well, look for nothing in FRONT! Will you stop twisting and turning! You're worse than you are in bed! Hey, Norm.
I really tried with that school.
I wanted the place to become one of those gems of our English heritage.
You've seen them on summer evenings.
Lots of ivy.
Vast expanses of manicured lawn Young voices raised in hymns drifting through the chapel windows.
All it wanted was the old pig sties pulling down.
A new roof.
Trenches filling in that the army had left.
The rest was cosmetic.
Where was this place then? High on the North Yorkshire Moors.
Amidst SUPERB natural scenery (God, it was so cold.
) It was splendid for all outdoor activities.
I ran adventure courses in roof repairs, digging drains We were a practical school.
I wanted the Utterthwaitonian to be a Good All Rounder.
All they wanted to do was play rugby.
Have you ever played rugby? Ye gods, it's frightening! I always came last at rugby.
They used to say that Clegg has no ball control.
They were never mean about it.
I got to hold their coats.
I could have gone professional, holding coats.
I've played rugby.
It shows.
Look what it did to him.
Watch it, Elsie! But were the parents grateful for my preserving their sons from rugby? Wouldn't you prefer your little man to be able to replace windows? Oh! Can you understand human nature? The trouble with human nature is it's in the hands of so many people.
So I used to say to my little men.
How old were these little men? I had them till eleven.
Eleven? What did they do for the rest of the day? Eleven years of AGE! Why don't you look at the view? I'm looking at the view.
You're not.
I saw you.
You weren't looking at the view.
I didn't realise it was compulsory.
Oh, eat your sandwich! Have I put enough chutney in? Aye.
You've put enough chutney in.
Oh, well, I'm pleased to hear it.
You used to tell everybody I never put enough chutney in.
That was when we were first married.
Yes, well A woman can't easily forget these things.
What ARE they doing here? They came for the ride.
We brought your washing.
No.
No need.
I've fixed it so one can open the door even with both hands full.
There's a pedal by your foot.
Just press the pedal with your foot.
It was supposed to open the other way.
Oh.
Come and see the cake.
Mrs Fearnihough's finished it.
Did you hear a whistle? She's made a beautiful cake.
I wonder if it's a wheelbearing job.
She used to do it professionally.
Oh, it's you, our Glenda.
I thought it was your father.
Hello, Barry.
He's come to see the cake.
She's made a beautiful job of the cake.
I told him.
She used to do it professionally.
I told him.
I wonder if a wheelbearing's gone.
Have you seen your father? No.
He should have been back ages.
He'd know, if anybody.
He'll know it when he gets back.
He'd know straightaway.
Oh, you've got some more presents.
Oh, that's nice.
A set of place mats, and two decorated eggs.
Really? Did you hear that, Barry.
That's unusual, decorated eggs.
I wanted your father to try on his suit.
Where could he be? I sent him to your Uncle Seymour's with a bit of washing.
Wellwhat do you think? She's made a beautiful job of the cake.
How long can it take to go to our Seymour's? He's a lovely mover, your Seymour.
How long has he been, er? Barmy? I was going to say inventive.
Barmy's closer.
No! You can't have a whippet! Maybe it belongs to somebody.
Right out 'ere? Maybe it's a wild whippet.
It's friendlier than you are.
You're NOT having a whippet.
You're the wrong age.
Now go on! Lose it! Let it go home.
I've always had this restless drive SL-U-U-R-R-P .
.
to push beyond the frontiers of technology.
Can't do his own washing, mind you.
From whence does it come you were about to ask? I wasn't! Hands up them who was about to ask.
Sit down, I'm interested.
He's quite strange.
How many people say "From whence does it come?" From WHERE does it come, this vital gene? This FEVER in the blood They've all had it.
The Greats.
Yes.
I think tha's had it with that wheelbarrow, Seymour.
James Watt George Stephenson Porky Earnshaw I'm surprised he's got any mates.
They's not his mates.
They're dead.
Of embarrassment, most likely.
He's looking at me, Norm.
Why is he looking at me, Norm? No! No! No! You're letting it get away with you! Oh, dammit! You'd think he could manage it.
There's no-one more perfectly dressed for a wheelbarrow.
Keep your eyes on the road.
It's not following us.
It's gone home.
Where are you going first? Bradlaw's.
To check on the flowers.
Ring me if there's any problem.
Then you go home.
And make sure you have a good big tea.
You can't drink on an empty stomach.
Do I have to go to me stag night? Of course! It's no stag night if you're not there.
I'm not much for going out drinking.
Why can't you and me just go out? Because it's traditional.
You have your last bachelor night with your mates.
I haven't got any.
I've lost touch with them all.
Oh, there'll be your Uncle Seymour and some of his mates.
We could maybe listen to that wheelbearing.
CAR BACKFIRES GUTTURAL COUGH Does he not use a handkerchief? Don't ask.
'Course I use a handkerchief! I told you he used a handkerchief.
I've always wondered what for.
Hello, Uncle Seymour.
You're going to Barry's stag night, aren't you? Great! I haven't had a booze-up since Last night.
Who's counting? Glenda, it's more a family occasion.
Oh, I agree.
One can't invite .
.
everybody.
I come from a family too.
You surprise me.
Listen, Elsie.
Tha's got a lotta toffee-nosed clack for somebody who's got "Up You" on his cottage.
The letters U.
P.
U.
stand for Up You.
The Utterthwaite Postal University.
A correspondence college.
And you've got some slates loose.
Well! No Old Utterthwaitonian can be insulted with such impunity! I'm not as puny as you may think! Right! Put 'em up.
Right! I will! I don't like violence.
I know people use it to improve the world, but the world would be better if there WASN'T any violence.
Are you finally ready? I'm ready.
I'm READY!! Right! THRASH him, Barry! ME?! Do you expect a former headmaster to go brawling in the street? The chumpchamp! Wellyou were somewhat deficient at the noble art, but you can still be an excellent fetcher and carrier.
I want you to go to Wesley's garage and borrow his wondrous socket set.
Come on! Quickly! And a new gate spring! Phew! I'm in no condition for a punch-up.
You never were.
True.
I've been beaten up by real pro's.
Like who? Mostly Nora Batty.
What were you doing? Just teaching the proletariat a few manners.
Doesn't he speak nice, your Uncle Seymour? What's he doing? He'll never drink from anything until he's checked it.
He's got LOVELY manners, your Uncle Seymour.
TELEPHONE ^ Thank you for my washing.
It's no bother, love.
My shirts looked marvellous till Wesley let Compo drop them.
Glenda, your father's a GREAT help.
He's very clever with his fingers.
Has he got time to help you today? Yes.
I can't keep him away.
We're a great team.
My genius and his socket set.
He's not going anywhere today with his damned socket set.
He's going to stay in that garage, until he is quite sure that car's fit for his daughter's wedding.
Here's the socket set.
You're to see that Wesley gets it back.
Does that include the grease? Just a minute.
I have an idea.
I say! You there! You! Come along then! Smartly! Smartly! Are we getting the cane? He might give you 100 lines.
Ooh, can I borrow your pen? I need 2 practically minded chaps.
Well, I've practically got a mind and he's practically got a mind too.
I have.
I HAVE.
And to show you I bear you no grudge for our recentmisunderstanding, you can help me carry these.
Oh, you can stuff! I don't know how you can put your hand near his mouth.
Sometimes it's advisable.
Wesley says if your patience snaps and you have to kill him, don't come back without the socket set.
Come along now! Quickly! Quickly! I don't care how uncomfortable you feel, you are going to sit there and we are going to have a conversation.
It's a long time since we had one.
I want to talk to you about Barry.
Barry who? You'll be giving your daughter away to him tomorrow.
Oh, that Barry.
What other Barry, you barmpot? There must be others.
Just sit still and listen.
Aye.
That kind of conversation, is it? Where I sit still and listen? It's going to be important, this is.
It is important that you and I have a talk about Barry.
What about Barry? You tell me.
You must have an impression of him.
You tell me what YOU think the trouble is with Barry.
I thinkt'lad's right.
Probably IS a wheelbearing.
# Oh, my Auntie Nelly's got a wooden leg, She caught it in the mangle # I don't usually frequent public transport.
Wesley USUALLY chauffeurs me.
I can USUALLY find him a job to do.
He ADORES helping me, you know.
Snag ishe smells of diesel.
Well, they say it's more economical than petrol.
I don't believe that's the reason.
I blame my sister really.
They don't think, you know.
They knew full well I was destined for great things.
You kept telling them.
ALL the time.
But still she marries Wesley.
Don't get me wrong, I like the man.
I could understand her EMPLOYING him She never considered the effect on the Headmaster's Conference had it become known that my brother-in-law reeked of diesel.
Mine smelled of musty hymn-books.
He was superbly adapted to that decaying chapel.
He had a face that really summed up the decline of Christianity.
Will you look at that clown there! Entrusting his life on that contraption to one, single, totally inadequate safety device.
I thought you liked Barry.
I do.
He's very nice is Barry.
But can you see him as executive material? Well, no.
Exactly.
Not without a lot more push.
And more importantly, the influence of the right people.
Which is why I've asked our Seymour to talk to him at the stag night.
That's no problem.
It's stopping Seymour talking.
That's the problem.
It seems to me, very foolhardy to place so much confidence in this rickety contraption.
What the hell is he doing? Get him off! You see how nervous you are? I wasn't till you arrived! BOG off! There is no need to take that lower class attitude.
I'm giving you the benefit of my experience in safety.
Take him home! I think you're upsetting him, Seymour.
They go some gorgeous colours, angry painters.
Oh, come on! I know my duty.
I will NOT stand idly by, and watch this man place himself at risk by his overconfidence in such an amateurish device .
.
as this.
Help! Oh! Oh! You see! Exactly as I forecast! I'll kill him! I'll KILL him! Don't panic, don't panic.
My people will retrieve it! My people?! We may have joined the Utterthwaite Academy for the Sons of Gentlemen.
Shall we have to wear a school cap? They've got it.
And I'm here to keep your spirits up.
Morale is everything.
Never overlook the factor of morale.
Argh! Urgh! In a crisis the Utterthwaitonian would sing.
Something with a rousing beat.
What do YOU like to sing? Gr-rr-rr! Hey up! The bus is coming.
I hope this lesson has not been lost on you.
PAINTER: You could have KILLED me! Don't let me see you here again! One and two halves, please.
I bet his father died young! I bet anything those closest to him were dropping like flies! Your average labouring person tends to resent advice at first.
But as he gains confidence in one, he comes round in the end.
I think he's coming round right now! OH! OH! Oh! Whatever's the matter, woman? I thought there was a man in here! You look different in a suit.
Uncomfortable.
You'll get used to it.
That's no comfort.
Think of yourself as a chassis that you've put a new body on.
And it's a great improvement.
What are you doing? Checking for diesel.
You're going to a social occasion.
Take a cue from our Seymour.
Watch how he behaves.
Like a blithering idiot usually.
Look, I can't get to the stag night tonight.
That car's not ready yet.
You've been fiddling with it for years! Who'll look after Barry? Your Seymour's there.
He's the brains.
I'll brain YOU if anything happens to Barry! You look fantastic in that dinner jacket, Seymour! I'm just sorry nobody else has got one.
No matter.
They don't suit everyone, you know.
Now remember, our Seymour.
WORK on Barry.
See if you can plant a grain of ambition.
Make him aware of his responsibilities.
Just leave it with me, Edith.
WE have the technology.
^ Ta ra, Barry.
Don't be too late in bed.
I'd sooner be in bed NOW! See what I mean? Full of executive fire he ISN'T.
Can you hear that whistle? We shall proceed to the Clarence.
What's wrong with the White Horse? Excessive quantities of the lower orders.
Have you been in the toilets? No.
We usually use the bar.
Flavour of the month there is almost pure ammonia.
Barry, drive to the Clarence.
Hang on.
We're picking 2 more up here.
Ye gods! Hey up, Barry! Is tha fit? Hey up! Seymour's all done up for a funeral! Why don't we try the White Horse? LIVELY CHATTER SILENCE Oh, excuse us It's terrible embarrassing the way some people dress, ain't it? GLENDA: Oh, that feels much better now.
What kind of wedding dress was yours, Mrs Batty? It wasn't like this.
It was short.
Mind you.
Look at Wally, he was short.
So it was in keeping.
You couldn't get the material.
Why? There was a war on.
We had 2 alerts the first night of our honeymoon.
It seemed like more.
Me dad can't remember much about his wedding.
They don't remember.
Don't you remember my wedding dress? Be fair, woman.
You only wore it the once.
Do you think he's alive to the responsibilities of wedlock? Do you think he's alive? He's just quiet.
So was I before my wedding.
You were paralytic.
YOU, married?! Oh, not for long.
She ran off with a Pole.
I were advised to sue him.
Why didn't you? I couldn't spell his name.
My own marriage ended in rather tragic circumstances.
Miriam just went to pieces.
She lost all sense of perspective and left me.
I don't blame myself.
You wouldn't.
I did everything for her.
You would.
She grew tired of her black stove.
She hated cooking for the little men.
Even though they'll eat ANYTHING.
She began clamouring for electricity.
She wanted an electric oven! Aw (!) So I made her one.
With these hands I made an electric oven.
Get over! One or two bits kept falling off but there was no need to VIOLIN I came home from school one evening.
She'd left a note.
"Your oven's in the dinner," it said.
Thank you.
You wanted some extra crockery.
Oh, bless you, love.
Put it in the kitchen.
It's unlucky to see a bride before her wedding.
Only when it's your OWN! Are you sure? GET in that kitchen! Oh, I'm sorry, love.
You get so used to them being there, you forget they're the opposite sex.
I hope that never happens to me.
Sometimes it's a blessing, love.
Mine's in a maungy mood.
He's pining for a whippet.
I know he's the right size, but what do WE need with a whippet? Oh, thank you very much, Mrs Pegden.
Eat them on your way home.
And don't forget your bath! Oh! Oh, she looks beautiful in that dress! I know Eh, she'll be all right.
Barry's a nice boy.
I know Just a bit quiet, that's all.
You can't have 'em too quiet.
But what about ambition? You do need a SPARK of ambition.
Hmm.
I know what you mean.
I know you'll be busy.
I've no wish to intrude.
Marina! Come in.
Oh, thank you.
I just had to bring that lucky girl something borrowed, something bloo-oo! And wish her all the best.
On several occasions I have almost been in the same position.
(On MORE than several occasions.
) There's no substitute for marriage.
And believe me, she's tried.
Cheers! Cheers.
Cheers! Cheers.
Is it extra then, for a clean glass? I DEMAND a clean glass! Look, just because you're a waiter, don't get all Egon Ronay in here! Come on! Suppose everyone asked for a clean glass? Sit down, Seymour.
Seymour? Handles my wheelbarrow once and he calls me Seymour?! Don't do that again.
It's like kissing the bouncer.
VIOLIN The little men used to call me Mr Utterthwaite.
I like the sound of that.
And then of course, there was 'Sir'.
Although Miriam would never call me 'Sir'.
Bye bye, love! See you tomorrow! What's SHE doing there? Don't forget to wear that present! Pearl, love, how do I know what a certain lady, who is almost entirely a stranger to me Don't lie to me! .
.
is doing at Wesley's house? YOU suggested calling at Wesley's place.
I had NO idea, Pearl.
Tha've got ideas.
You've got ideas bigger than your natural capacity! I've never had any complaints.
Well, you're getting one now.
Good evening, Pearl.
(Howard) Good evening, erer Her name slipped your memory, has it? A likely story! I told you.
Practically a stranger to me.
You should be able to remember the name Marina.
Just think of it as a place frequented by sailors.
How do, Albert? Hey up.
Still on the orange juice? What's HE do then? He's a Correspondence College.
Do? I AM, sir, a major influence in education circles, AND something of an innovator in the new technology.
And he's got big feet.
His sister does his washing.
Without her, he'd just be a bloke with 8 dirty shirts.
Just imagine OWNING 8 dirty shirts.
Mad King Ludwig of Bavaria.
I never knew that.
Used to have HUNDREDS of dirty shirts.
Entire palaces filled with dirty shirts.
So, what was he so mad about? He tried to live a life of pure fantasy.
Untouched by sordid reality.
He wanted his life to be a fairy tale.
And there he was, at the end of each day staring at another dirty shirt.
Which just goes to show into each reign a little life must fall.
Life is a struggle It's been a struggle to get where I am today.
You'll find life is a struggle, Barry.
I bet I do.
I bet I find life is a struggle.
But I'm not done yet.
I just need the breakthrough.
The world will utter Mutter .
.
mutter Utterthwaite in respectful tones it reserves for those who advance the frontiers of technology.
With a motorised wheelbarrer? That's only ONE of my mechanical children You've seen the computerised lawn-sprinkler.
We've HEARD it Sounded like somebody gargling with jelly.
I've a dozen things at various stages of development.
For example, the boy's wedding gift.
All in due time.
What is it? A very small motorised wheelbarrow.
It is a Master Controller.
Whose function I shall demonstrate later.
A present? For me and Glenda? With her Uncle Seymour's love.
This parcel of electronic wizardry will enable you, my boy, to relax at leisure in your fa-vour-ite chair, and operate any electric device in the house by remote control.
Wow! How well are you fixed for insurance, Barry? I should double it.
And make sure your favourite chair is fireproof! Pay them no heed.
I shall convince them of its ingenuity.
But first, a word in your ear about AMBITION, lad.
I shall guide you along its path.
Should you falter, Uncle Seymour will be there.
A good first move would be to avail yourself of a few of the world's renownest career courses offered by Utterthwaite Postal University! Which would, of course, come to you at reduced family rates.
I have to impress upon you the cardinal necessity of AMBITION.
Are you am-BIT-ious, Barry? Well Yeah.
Good man! Good answer! You'd be a natural student, lad! Are you ambitious, Norm? I gave it a whirl once, but it was in the hands of so many pushy people.
One needs that eternal spark.
The cosmic restlessness.
I used to manage on a few Woodbines.
One has to have a DREAM.
Ah! Now we're into Nora Batty territory! One has to keep that dream alive through ALL the years of trial Ye gods, I've had my trials.
Me too.
I used to get done for illegal ferreting.
WHISTLES Hello, Wally.
Where did you find that? To look at me now, you wouldn't believe the years of struggle.
Hardship.
It was a challenge, lad.
A man needs a challenge.
I got those little men working for me.
I had this practical concept of education.
I was YEARS before my time, Barry.
The authorities weren't ready for it.
The parents weren't ready for it.
Ha.
I taught those little men to paint.
To lay bricks.
To plumb Wasn't anybody grateful? The first time a couple fell off the roof, there was HELL to pay.
Hey up! SURPRISED SHOUTS FROM EVERYBODY Pearl is sounreasonable.
She just won't believe we have this mutual interest in cycling.
Perhaps if we bought bicycles.
I'd do anything, Marina.
Don't back out this time then, Howard.
Let's go all the way and buy two bicycles.
VOICES Oh, help! It's me neighbour, Norman Clegg! A dream, Barry Or may I call you Wilkinson? You must have a dream tucked away somewhere, Wilkinson.
I've always wanted to run barefoot across the moorsby moonlight.
And so you shall, lad! Well, it's a start.
I think Seymour is well and truly plastered.
Even when he's sober.
Hey up! It's Howard and Marina! I was just showing the lady the difference between cross-ply and radial tyres.
To the moors by moonlight! Albert, you're on orange juice.
You drive.
^ I'm going that way meself.
I daren't go home with this whippet.
Milburn! MILBURN! Milburn! Get that stuff inside! Come on! Now listen to me, Milburn.
You are never going to be secure in the catering profession until you have grasped the essential secret of the small establishment.
Are you listening to me, Milburn? I'm listening.
The essential secret, Milburn, of the small family establishment Are you paying attention? I am.
I'm paying attention.
Then repeat what I've just said to you.
You said: "Are you paying attention, Milburn?" Milburn I am talking about your LIFE, Milburn.
In the catering.
I cannot impress upon you too strongly, how important it is - when you think about getting married - to choose the RIGHT type of wife.
Some Some sensible lass who can work with you.
I don't know what type you like I like big I don't want to know, Milburn! .
.
tall girls.
Don't bring anybody flash here.
Try to find somebody kind, who can appreciate a steady life, with somebody gentle.
I mean, somebody who's had a hard time.
What type of girl is it, Milburn? Somebody who can appreciate a steady life.
Somebody who's had a hard time.
That's it! Auntie Ivy, can I ask you something? Go on.
Why do they call it Fast Food? I can't understand why they do.
And the way you serve it, I can't understand it either! Now GET on! And remember what I've been saying to you! SQUEAKING BOOTS - But they've ALWAYS squeaked! - You're not squeaking at a wedding! You'll have to wear it out.
I could have walked it off with that whippet.
Well, you'll just have to walk it out WITHOUT that whippet! PERSISTENT SQUEAKING ^ Mum, can you get the phone? That was Barry's mum.
His bed hasn't been slept in! What were they up to last night? Albert Earnshaw just said he drove them to Seymour's last night.
When he last saw them, they were setting off for a run.
A run?! Up on the moors.
Can't people go for a run? Oh, my giddy aunt! Now hear this, you great oily muffin, if you don't get that lad to church Mam! Who was that on the phone? Nobody, love.
Wrong number.
BANG! PEARL: He didn't come home last night! (I want you to swear that you never saw me last night with Marina.
) I NEVER saw you last night with Marina! That's it! He's not in! I always know when he's not in.
It's like sunshine after rain.
(Where are they?) I thought they'd be home.
What were they doing when you left? Looking for Barry.
Couldn't you have helped 'em? I was saying goodnight to me whippet.
I keep her up in the hills.
Keep going! Ah, I think I will.
And don't be too long! Oh, no! Well, okay, genius.
What next? What other bright ideas have you got? Hmm I'm thinking it out.
Oh! He's thinking it out.
They'll all be thinking about it.
Bridegroom missing at his wedding.
People notice that kind of thing.
It's like any other problem.
It has to be analysed and the appropriate action taken.
I'm all for lying or running away.
That sounds reasonable.
We're half way there.
We know exactly where the boy is.
How's it going, Barry? BARRY'S VOICE ECHOES It's all right! It's just me ankle! Looks like a nice day for your wedding, Barry.
There HAS to be a way to remove a bridegroom from a hole.
He's looking at me, Norm.
Why is he looking at me? You bonehead! You'd better find him, or you're in TROUBLE! Me? Seymour was looking after him.
"Our Seymour's the brains of the family.
" If you've put your great hoof through this wedding, I'll Are you all ready then? Yes, thank you, love.
Going like clockwork! If you don't get him to that church, don't bother to hurry home! Where's me dad going now? Just a few last minute errands, love.
Have you seen him? Who? I thought you might have heard a passing squeaky boot.
Whose squeaky boot? Me husband's.
Lord save us.
Who else is missing? Well, I wouldn't say he was missing.
But you don't know where is? It's that whippet.
He's gone all broody over that damned whippet.
At his age and you'd think you can RELAX.
You can never relax.
BOOTS SQUEAK I'm not going home till we can both go home.
It's not as if she's not used to dogs.
I've had a dog's life all these years.
That's not true.
She's hard, but she's fair.
No, I tell a lie, she's NOT fair.
But by heck, she's handy if there's any trouble.
I've always felt safe at nights.
If we can get you in, she'll look after you.
Once you're on t'staff, there's no backing out.
CAR PA-A-R-R-P!! BACKFIRES WESLEY: Where do you think you're going? I'm just following this whippet.
Get in! Right ho.
BANG! Why don't I go for some help? Be quiet! What's he going to do? He's going to grab your legs.
Me legs?! With a bit of luck, he can use you as a ladder.
How lucky can you get? Don't let me go! STOP squirming! Aargh! With a bit of luck, you'll come out taller! If you can grab his legs, Barry! I hate doing this in a dinner jacket! OH! It can get very hectic on your wedding day.
Get a GOOD GRIP, lad! I've no time for a butterfingers.
Grab something and hang on! I AM hanging on! OHH!! ME LEGS!! Pull! That's it! WESLEY: Where the HELL have you lot been? SEYMOUR: I had it ALL under control.
It didn't feel like that.
I know what it felt like.
Am I late for my wedding? A great start, that is.
SEYMOUR: I'll get you there.
My place, Wesley.
Aagh! I'd better go.
She'll be going BANANAS! Tell her that all is under control.
Driving across them moors hasn't done this old girl much good! Oh! Do you think you can drive? I don't think so.
Not to worry.
Right.
Who's going to drive? Come back, Wesley! We've hit a snag!! BANG! BANG! He's NEVER there when you need him! Yes? Er, Cleggy can drive a bit.
Well, then! I-I gave it up years ago.
Can't YOU drive? I like to sit in the back and give directions.
You'll have to drive.
Squealer.
This is the last time I help you down any holes.
You might notice a whistle.
I never notice anything when I'm driving.
I make it a golden rule.
Listen.
What is it? Nothing.
I thought I heard a squeaky boot.
I never thought I'd miss that sound.
It's the things that irritate you miss the most.
I miss mine every day.
I go to that cemetery twice a week.
(But you daren't talk above a whisper.
) He never will feel at home if I'm not there raising me voice.
She's in FIRST! I knew it would be difficult.
Use the CLUTCH! At the same time? I can't think of everything.
I'll promise I'll never say anything again! Get in reverse.
GEARS CRASH Here we go then.
Well, you said reverse.
Well! All right, you can keep it.
As long as it behaves.
But it doesn't go upstairs.
And you pick up the hairs it sheds.
Tie it up somewhere, and follow us on! Ye gods! Just LOOK at that dress! But not for TOO long! I don't know what you mean.
I wish you wouldn't do that with your elbow.
You've crushed my cigarettes.
I know what I SHALL crush.
Me favourite filter tip.
That's the one.
Oh! Oh, rotten heck! I could spit! Why does life give a girl such a hard time? Have you had a hard time? I have Ooh, I have! Stillmustn't grumble.
Ooh, how tiny my shoe looks in your capable hands! Your strap's broke.
Story of me life.
Eh! My! What strong fingers you've got! What were you doing with that woman? It's like what you said.
A poor lass that's had an 'ard time.
GET in there and read a hymn book! I've found mine.
If he goes off again, ask him to call for mine.
You do look smart, Edie.
We all do our best, don't we? SOUND OF SMALL ENGINE Oh, my giddy aunt! Did you HAVE to bring him in this, Seymour? It works! Development money! Where can I get development money? What's wrong with your leg? It's just the one.
Well, I'm just thankful no-one else saw you arrive.
Hey up, Nora! Tha looks a treat! Get off! Get on with your bridegroom! She's really very Madam! Don't you madam me! Comes here in a wild wheelbarrow with a damaged bridegroom.
And take your unwanted arm away! He may be covered in whippet hairs but he's mine.
And it's HIS arm I shall be entering on! OI!! Who IS that fearsome female? Oh, that's Wally's.
No wonder he wanted a whippet.
She's great value.
You'll like her.
Don't lie to him.
We're at church.
Is tha coming? Not in the same pew.
I shall sit one row behind.
You will not turn round during the service.
He's off again! And you will sing the hymns.
RASPBERRY What was that?! Sounds like a self-propelled wheelbarrow.
If he wasn't so bolshie, I could find him lots of little jobs.
You too.
Oh, we'll be around.
Lifting, and simple things.
It wouldn't pay much.
How much? It could work out as much as .
.
nothing.
Couldn't you do it for the interest? The opportunity to be part of the Utterthwaite team? He's going to get on my wick.
You know that, don't you? So what else are we doing? Will you stop! Mind the lapels! Will you stop! Please! Nowlook here Remember, we are not mixing socially.
You are in my employ.
His leg? It's only one leg.
Be thankful that the rest of him is here.
You look LOVELY! She's right You DO look lovely.
What happened to his leg? You know how it is.
Things happen to legs.
by Gillian Spence SIRENS WAIL 'Stand back, lads! Stand back! There might be more than one!'
For me? I do NOT deliver to wrong addresses.
No offence intended, Rosemary.
I've never lost ANY post.
And I've got the biggest round.
I believe it.
I believe it! I don't know who she thinks she is, believing she's got clean steps! I'll show her clean steps.
And not just when company's coming! PERMANENT clean steps! KNOCKS ON DOOR KNOCKS AGAIN He'll not be up.
He was singing when he came in last night.
He's never up early after coming home singing.
Is he in good health? You don't think he's dead? Nah.
He just looks that way.
Ooh, I dread that happening.
I just know, sooner or later, I'm going to be delivering to somebody dead.
It's most inconvenient when you require a signature.
This'll do it.
It's no good shouting.
You can call all day when they're in drink.
There's summat about the ale round 'ere.
Hey up, Nora.
Can't tha get friendly at some decent hour? What made you think I'm friendly? There's a parcel you've to sign for.
Her?! I'm not signing for anything that size! Get your body down here! Is that a Post Office uniform? YES, it is! Weren't there any vacancies in the S.
S.
? I've never seen a parcel for him before.
I expect it's a mistake.
Then it's on the part of the sender.
Final demands are more usual for him.
Oh, get something on! Give us a kiss.
Away! A parcel for me? Sign there.
No freeborn Englishwoman should be obliged to hand deliver into THAT.
It's from Foggy.
Oh? It's a decorated egg.
That's nice.
Is it edible? It's ornamental, you fool! - Oh.
Ornamental.
- Extremely intricate workmanship.
- What do you with them? - Nothing! They're for display! Oh.
Display.
Foggy made it himself.
Laid another egg, has he? I can't say I'm surprised.
His uncle left him a decorated egg business in Bridlington.
He's got a stall on the harbour, selling decorated eggs to visitors.
No wonder the place is crowded.
You can't take enough precautions.
They warn you to be careful but how can you avoid some uncle who's careless enough to die and leave you decorating eggs? He says you'll know where to come then, for yourdecorated egg.
We'll have it there.
No, not there, we'll have it there.
That's a fine buttonhole you're wearing, Milburn.
I wish people wouldn't call me Milburn.
I was hoping this foliage would give the place a Palm Court look.
It's not working, is it? Oh, and speaking of not WORKING No shouting, not this morning, Ivy.
I've got a do-it-yourselfer building sharp corners in my head.
He's been on the beer again.
I'm having second thoughts about that, Milburn.
We don't really have a Palm Court clientele, do we? It's more your POLICE court.
When I get married, will they still call me Milburn? Knocked up at dawn for a decorated egg.
I hate being wakened up suddenly.
It's given me headache.
Oh.
I assumed it was all that ale you shifted last night.
We had to drink to Wesley's lass's wedding tomorrow.
I hope it's not as wet for her as it was for us last night.
So this is what Foggy's doing.
Sitting on Bridlington harbour decorating eggs.
What a great big nelly! He's still got his killer instinct.
Where? He wants £3 for each of these.
Eh? Didn't you read the enclosed bill? That wasn't just wrapping paper.
Three quid?! They're normally £4.
This is an Introductory Discount.
The cheeky prawn! What's he after? The Queen's Award for Overcharging? What are we going to do with a 3 quid decorated egg? BOTH: Wedding presents for Wesley's lass! Bring it in, Milburn.
We'll take it back.
Who ordered salad? UNHEALTHY NOISES COME FROM CAR Wesley! How's it going there, Wesley? Great! Just the odd wrinkle needs smoothing out.
But she's great.
They built some guts into this car.
BANG! I think she's constipated.
She's good for another 100,000.
Listen to that! Sounds like somebody's knuckle.
That's ALLOY.
There's no rust gets in that.
Tha'll get no passengers in either.
Not if they've any sense.
You've never had an ORDINARY car.
It's always something you've built out of old railway bridges.
You've NO mechanical soul.
You never get excited about machinery.
What about him with his finger in the mangle? Look at them lines! She'll be all shiny tomorrow.
My lass'll ride to church in style.
You're not driving Glenda to church in THIS? What ELSE would I drive Glenda in? I've been working on her for MONTHS.
Yes, I should need persuading too.
Not Glendathe car! She'd be better off on the bus.
"The bride," it will announce in the in the papers, "was driven to church in a post-vintage cloud of smoke".
I'll get rid of t'smoke by then.
Don't go away.
We've got a couple of wedding presents for Glenda.
Well, that's right nice of you, lads.
They're not much Well, I thought so, until I saw your car.
Don't give 'em to me.
I'm all confused.
We'll take 'em to the house! Well! It's most kind.
Our Glenda WILL be pleased.
I hope you haven't invited them.
You have, haven't you? You've invited them.
I'd just like somebody there I can get ON with! Has that one got a suit? 'Course he's got a suit! I've never seen YOU in a suit for years.
Have you tried it on lately? It were fine last time.
Your grandad's funeral? That was 12 years ago.
I don't like wearing suits.
What's this? Our Seymour's washing.
Take it up to him.
Keep your mucky fingers off! You do ALL his washing.
Me own brother! Have I got to take it now? I should think I DO do his washing.
You know his wife left him.
She left him 20 years ago! He's used to having things done for him is our Seymour.
He's the brains of the family is our Seymour.
CAR BACKFIRES UP HILL Ughugh! Our Seymour! That's all I ever hear is Our Seymour.
He's the Brains of the Family is Our Seymour.
He's a pillock is our Seymour.
Who's Seymour? Me brother-in-law, that's who.
Oh, you'll LOVE Seymour(!) CLEGG AND COMPO COUGH Retired headmaster.
Used to run this little private school.
Very badly.
He were always borrowing money.
Some people are always borrowing money.
That's true.
Like me.
I've never borrowed a lot of money.
.
.
Won't say I haven't tried.
Is he, eris he highly qualified then, your Seymour? Yesin not doing his own washing.
How many shirts has he got? One for every day of t'week.
Me too.
This is it.
He's not coming to wedding in that.
Relax.
We'll do him up a bit.
A bit? Couldn't you try a lot? What does he do to need all these? Perhaps he's a betting man.
He gets on your wick, that's what he does.
Him and his brilliant ideas.
Thinks he's God's gift to technology.
But who ends up doing all the work? Never Seymour.
Biggest twit since lunch was invented.
Oh, you'll LOVE Seymour.
BOTH: Oh, we'll LOVE Seymour! Hey, Wesley! What the hell's that? His old school flag.
He always flies it when he's in residence.
You're looking at the Registered Office of the Utterthwaite Postal University.
Did you hear that, Norm? The Utterthwaite Postal University! Everybody to attention Salute the flag! Ta da-a-a-a! Look at that.
"These premises are protected by patented security devices"?! Can't afford a dog.
TINNY ALARM GOES OFF Oh, I like that one! That's really ingenious is that one! Don't you drop that washing.
Don't you drop that gate.
He's usually round t'back.
ENGINE STARTS UP Hellothat sounds like his latest.
His Self-Propelled Wheelbarrow.
Self-propelled wheelbarrow?! I'll give thee 6 to 1 this Seymour turns out to be a right tulip.
Oh, I hope so.
It's ages since we came across a right tulip.
Ah ha! Wesley! Can't stop now! Aagh! CRASH! Why? What have you got against Seymour Utterthwaite? Why must you always be so damned intractable?! I think she's geared a smidgin high.
I'm afraid you've caught me in the middle of things.
Wouldn't have missed it! We enjoyed it! Who ARE these people? Hey up These people?! They talk like that in Harrogate.
Have you ever been to Harrogate? It's all right.
They're with me.
But are they secure? It's ALL RIGHT.
But will they talk about what they've seen? Oh, yes, I will! A self-propelled wheelbarrer! You're a real card! Repeat after me: I do solemnly swear I do solemnly swear.
I do sullenly swear.
Not sullenly! Solemnly! Solemnly! It's no good! I thought he said sullenly.
They're going to blab.
They are.
One thing I LOATHE is a blabber.
Lord, how I detest chaps who are sneaks! Who's a sneaky little chappie then? We came down hard on blabbers at the Utterthwaite Academy for the Sons of Gentlemen.
Utterthwaitonians didn't BLAB.
You had to watch what they wrote to parents.
They used to complain about food, work.
All they wanted to do was to idle their time away.
But ask them to wallpaper Utterthwaitonians didn't wallpaper? Yes, but you could see the joins.
I've got trousers like that.
You've got legs like that.
I had one in 3B who COULD wallpaper.
And he was Portuguese.
The Saxons just got smeared in paste.
The boys I've had to have scrubbed! Then they'd moan about the cold water.
Fingers quite blue.
But that never stopped them scribbling notes to Mummy.
Was I supposed to send them to bed sticky? They'd all stick together! Couldn't you invent hot water? Have you any idea of heating costs? No! They hadn't either.
The senior maths class would do my quarterly accounts.
They remained very cool on the brink of my financial disaster.
All my life I've been under-capitalised.
I know the feeling.
With all these shirts? He's got more shirts than a big launderette.
Why do you keep looking down? You'll have us off the road.
Whatever are you looking for? Nothing! Well, look for nothing in FRONT! Will you stop twisting and turning! You're worse than you are in bed! Hey, Norm.
I really tried with that school.
I wanted the place to become one of those gems of our English heritage.
You've seen them on summer evenings.
Lots of ivy.
Vast expanses of manicured lawn Young voices raised in hymns drifting through the chapel windows.
All it wanted was the old pig sties pulling down.
A new roof.
Trenches filling in that the army had left.
The rest was cosmetic.
Where was this place then? High on the North Yorkshire Moors.
Amidst SUPERB natural scenery (God, it was so cold.
) It was splendid for all outdoor activities.
I ran adventure courses in roof repairs, digging drains We were a practical school.
I wanted the Utterthwaitonian to be a Good All Rounder.
All they wanted to do was play rugby.
Have you ever played rugby? Ye gods, it's frightening! I always came last at rugby.
They used to say that Clegg has no ball control.
They were never mean about it.
I got to hold their coats.
I could have gone professional, holding coats.
I've played rugby.
It shows.
Look what it did to him.
Watch it, Elsie! But were the parents grateful for my preserving their sons from rugby? Wouldn't you prefer your little man to be able to replace windows? Oh! Can you understand human nature? The trouble with human nature is it's in the hands of so many people.
So I used to say to my little men.
How old were these little men? I had them till eleven.
Eleven? What did they do for the rest of the day? Eleven years of AGE! Why don't you look at the view? I'm looking at the view.
You're not.
I saw you.
You weren't looking at the view.
I didn't realise it was compulsory.
Oh, eat your sandwich! Have I put enough chutney in? Aye.
You've put enough chutney in.
Oh, well, I'm pleased to hear it.
You used to tell everybody I never put enough chutney in.
That was when we were first married.
Yes, well A woman can't easily forget these things.
What ARE they doing here? They came for the ride.
We brought your washing.
No.
No need.
I've fixed it so one can open the door even with both hands full.
There's a pedal by your foot.
Just press the pedal with your foot.
It was supposed to open the other way.
Oh.
Come and see the cake.
Mrs Fearnihough's finished it.
Did you hear a whistle? She's made a beautiful cake.
I wonder if it's a wheelbearing job.
She used to do it professionally.
Oh, it's you, our Glenda.
I thought it was your father.
Hello, Barry.
He's come to see the cake.
She's made a beautiful job of the cake.
I told him.
She used to do it professionally.
I told him.
I wonder if a wheelbearing's gone.
Have you seen your father? No.
He should have been back ages.
He'd know, if anybody.
He'll know it when he gets back.
He'd know straightaway.
Oh, you've got some more presents.
Oh, that's nice.
A set of place mats, and two decorated eggs.
Really? Did you hear that, Barry.
That's unusual, decorated eggs.
I wanted your father to try on his suit.
Where could he be? I sent him to your Uncle Seymour's with a bit of washing.
Wellwhat do you think? She's made a beautiful job of the cake.
How long can it take to go to our Seymour's? He's a lovely mover, your Seymour.
How long has he been, er? Barmy? I was going to say inventive.
Barmy's closer.
No! You can't have a whippet! Maybe it belongs to somebody.
Right out 'ere? Maybe it's a wild whippet.
It's friendlier than you are.
You're NOT having a whippet.
You're the wrong age.
Now go on! Lose it! Let it go home.
I've always had this restless drive SL-U-U-R-R-P .
.
to push beyond the frontiers of technology.
Can't do his own washing, mind you.
From whence does it come you were about to ask? I wasn't! Hands up them who was about to ask.
Sit down, I'm interested.
He's quite strange.
How many people say "From whence does it come?" From WHERE does it come, this vital gene? This FEVER in the blood They've all had it.
The Greats.
Yes.
I think tha's had it with that wheelbarrow, Seymour.
James Watt George Stephenson Porky Earnshaw I'm surprised he's got any mates.
They's not his mates.
They're dead.
Of embarrassment, most likely.
He's looking at me, Norm.
Why is he looking at me, Norm? No! No! No! You're letting it get away with you! Oh, dammit! You'd think he could manage it.
There's no-one more perfectly dressed for a wheelbarrow.
Keep your eyes on the road.
It's not following us.
It's gone home.
Where are you going first? Bradlaw's.
To check on the flowers.
Ring me if there's any problem.
Then you go home.
And make sure you have a good big tea.
You can't drink on an empty stomach.
Do I have to go to me stag night? Of course! It's no stag night if you're not there.
I'm not much for going out drinking.
Why can't you and me just go out? Because it's traditional.
You have your last bachelor night with your mates.
I haven't got any.
I've lost touch with them all.
Oh, there'll be your Uncle Seymour and some of his mates.
We could maybe listen to that wheelbearing.
CAR BACKFIRES GUTTURAL COUGH Does he not use a handkerchief? Don't ask.
'Course I use a handkerchief! I told you he used a handkerchief.
I've always wondered what for.
Hello, Uncle Seymour.
You're going to Barry's stag night, aren't you? Great! I haven't had a booze-up since Last night.
Who's counting? Glenda, it's more a family occasion.
Oh, I agree.
One can't invite .
.
everybody.
I come from a family too.
You surprise me.
Listen, Elsie.
Tha's got a lotta toffee-nosed clack for somebody who's got "Up You" on his cottage.
The letters U.
P.
U.
stand for Up You.
The Utterthwaite Postal University.
A correspondence college.
And you've got some slates loose.
Well! No Old Utterthwaitonian can be insulted with such impunity! I'm not as puny as you may think! Right! Put 'em up.
Right! I will! I don't like violence.
I know people use it to improve the world, but the world would be better if there WASN'T any violence.
Are you finally ready? I'm ready.
I'm READY!! Right! THRASH him, Barry! ME?! Do you expect a former headmaster to go brawling in the street? The chumpchamp! Wellyou were somewhat deficient at the noble art, but you can still be an excellent fetcher and carrier.
I want you to go to Wesley's garage and borrow his wondrous socket set.
Come on! Quickly! And a new gate spring! Phew! I'm in no condition for a punch-up.
You never were.
True.
I've been beaten up by real pro's.
Like who? Mostly Nora Batty.
What were you doing? Just teaching the proletariat a few manners.
Doesn't he speak nice, your Uncle Seymour? What's he doing? He'll never drink from anything until he's checked it.
He's got LOVELY manners, your Uncle Seymour.
TELEPHONE ^ Thank you for my washing.
It's no bother, love.
My shirts looked marvellous till Wesley let Compo drop them.
Glenda, your father's a GREAT help.
He's very clever with his fingers.
Has he got time to help you today? Yes.
I can't keep him away.
We're a great team.
My genius and his socket set.
He's not going anywhere today with his damned socket set.
He's going to stay in that garage, until he is quite sure that car's fit for his daughter's wedding.
Here's the socket set.
You're to see that Wesley gets it back.
Does that include the grease? Just a minute.
I have an idea.
I say! You there! You! Come along then! Smartly! Smartly! Are we getting the cane? He might give you 100 lines.
Ooh, can I borrow your pen? I need 2 practically minded chaps.
Well, I've practically got a mind and he's practically got a mind too.
I have.
I HAVE.
And to show you I bear you no grudge for our recentmisunderstanding, you can help me carry these.
Oh, you can stuff! I don't know how you can put your hand near his mouth.
Sometimes it's advisable.
Wesley says if your patience snaps and you have to kill him, don't come back without the socket set.
Come along now! Quickly! Quickly! I don't care how uncomfortable you feel, you are going to sit there and we are going to have a conversation.
It's a long time since we had one.
I want to talk to you about Barry.
Barry who? You'll be giving your daughter away to him tomorrow.
Oh, that Barry.
What other Barry, you barmpot? There must be others.
Just sit still and listen.
Aye.
That kind of conversation, is it? Where I sit still and listen? It's going to be important, this is.
It is important that you and I have a talk about Barry.
What about Barry? You tell me.
You must have an impression of him.
You tell me what YOU think the trouble is with Barry.
I thinkt'lad's right.
Probably IS a wheelbearing.
# Oh, my Auntie Nelly's got a wooden leg, She caught it in the mangle # I don't usually frequent public transport.
Wesley USUALLY chauffeurs me.
I can USUALLY find him a job to do.
He ADORES helping me, you know.
Snag ishe smells of diesel.
Well, they say it's more economical than petrol.
I don't believe that's the reason.
I blame my sister really.
They don't think, you know.
They knew full well I was destined for great things.
You kept telling them.
ALL the time.
But still she marries Wesley.
Don't get me wrong, I like the man.
I could understand her EMPLOYING him She never considered the effect on the Headmaster's Conference had it become known that my brother-in-law reeked of diesel.
Mine smelled of musty hymn-books.
He was superbly adapted to that decaying chapel.
He had a face that really summed up the decline of Christianity.
Will you look at that clown there! Entrusting his life on that contraption to one, single, totally inadequate safety device.
I thought you liked Barry.
I do.
He's very nice is Barry.
But can you see him as executive material? Well, no.
Exactly.
Not without a lot more push.
And more importantly, the influence of the right people.
Which is why I've asked our Seymour to talk to him at the stag night.
That's no problem.
It's stopping Seymour talking.
That's the problem.
It seems to me, very foolhardy to place so much confidence in this rickety contraption.
What the hell is he doing? Get him off! You see how nervous you are? I wasn't till you arrived! BOG off! There is no need to take that lower class attitude.
I'm giving you the benefit of my experience in safety.
Take him home! I think you're upsetting him, Seymour.
They go some gorgeous colours, angry painters.
Oh, come on! I know my duty.
I will NOT stand idly by, and watch this man place himself at risk by his overconfidence in such an amateurish device .
.
as this.
Help! Oh! Oh! You see! Exactly as I forecast! I'll kill him! I'll KILL him! Don't panic, don't panic.
My people will retrieve it! My people?! We may have joined the Utterthwaite Academy for the Sons of Gentlemen.
Shall we have to wear a school cap? They've got it.
And I'm here to keep your spirits up.
Morale is everything.
Never overlook the factor of morale.
Argh! Urgh! In a crisis the Utterthwaitonian would sing.
Something with a rousing beat.
What do YOU like to sing? Gr-rr-rr! Hey up! The bus is coming.
I hope this lesson has not been lost on you.
PAINTER: You could have KILLED me! Don't let me see you here again! One and two halves, please.
I bet his father died young! I bet anything those closest to him were dropping like flies! Your average labouring person tends to resent advice at first.
But as he gains confidence in one, he comes round in the end.
I think he's coming round right now! OH! OH! Oh! Whatever's the matter, woman? I thought there was a man in here! You look different in a suit.
Uncomfortable.
You'll get used to it.
That's no comfort.
Think of yourself as a chassis that you've put a new body on.
And it's a great improvement.
What are you doing? Checking for diesel.
You're going to a social occasion.
Take a cue from our Seymour.
Watch how he behaves.
Like a blithering idiot usually.
Look, I can't get to the stag night tonight.
That car's not ready yet.
You've been fiddling with it for years! Who'll look after Barry? Your Seymour's there.
He's the brains.
I'll brain YOU if anything happens to Barry! You look fantastic in that dinner jacket, Seymour! I'm just sorry nobody else has got one.
No matter.
They don't suit everyone, you know.
Now remember, our Seymour.
WORK on Barry.
See if you can plant a grain of ambition.
Make him aware of his responsibilities.
Just leave it with me, Edith.
WE have the technology.
^ Ta ra, Barry.
Don't be too late in bed.
I'd sooner be in bed NOW! See what I mean? Full of executive fire he ISN'T.
Can you hear that whistle? We shall proceed to the Clarence.
What's wrong with the White Horse? Excessive quantities of the lower orders.
Have you been in the toilets? No.
We usually use the bar.
Flavour of the month there is almost pure ammonia.
Barry, drive to the Clarence.
Hang on.
We're picking 2 more up here.
Ye gods! Hey up, Barry! Is tha fit? Hey up! Seymour's all done up for a funeral! Why don't we try the White Horse? LIVELY CHATTER SILENCE Oh, excuse us It's terrible embarrassing the way some people dress, ain't it? GLENDA: Oh, that feels much better now.
What kind of wedding dress was yours, Mrs Batty? It wasn't like this.
It was short.
Mind you.
Look at Wally, he was short.
So it was in keeping.
You couldn't get the material.
Why? There was a war on.
We had 2 alerts the first night of our honeymoon.
It seemed like more.
Me dad can't remember much about his wedding.
They don't remember.
Don't you remember my wedding dress? Be fair, woman.
You only wore it the once.
Do you think he's alive to the responsibilities of wedlock? Do you think he's alive? He's just quiet.
So was I before my wedding.
You were paralytic.
YOU, married?! Oh, not for long.
She ran off with a Pole.
I were advised to sue him.
Why didn't you? I couldn't spell his name.
My own marriage ended in rather tragic circumstances.
Miriam just went to pieces.
She lost all sense of perspective and left me.
I don't blame myself.
You wouldn't.
I did everything for her.
You would.
She grew tired of her black stove.
She hated cooking for the little men.
Even though they'll eat ANYTHING.
She began clamouring for electricity.
She wanted an electric oven! Aw (!) So I made her one.
With these hands I made an electric oven.
Get over! One or two bits kept falling off but there was no need to VIOLIN I came home from school one evening.
She'd left a note.
"Your oven's in the dinner," it said.
Thank you.
You wanted some extra crockery.
Oh, bless you, love.
Put it in the kitchen.
It's unlucky to see a bride before her wedding.
Only when it's your OWN! Are you sure? GET in that kitchen! Oh, I'm sorry, love.
You get so used to them being there, you forget they're the opposite sex.
I hope that never happens to me.
Sometimes it's a blessing, love.
Mine's in a maungy mood.
He's pining for a whippet.
I know he's the right size, but what do WE need with a whippet? Oh, thank you very much, Mrs Pegden.
Eat them on your way home.
And don't forget your bath! Oh! Oh, she looks beautiful in that dress! I know Eh, she'll be all right.
Barry's a nice boy.
I know Just a bit quiet, that's all.
You can't have 'em too quiet.
But what about ambition? You do need a SPARK of ambition.
Hmm.
I know what you mean.
I know you'll be busy.
I've no wish to intrude.
Marina! Come in.
Oh, thank you.
I just had to bring that lucky girl something borrowed, something bloo-oo! And wish her all the best.
On several occasions I have almost been in the same position.
(On MORE than several occasions.
) There's no substitute for marriage.
And believe me, she's tried.
Cheers! Cheers.
Cheers! Cheers.
Is it extra then, for a clean glass? I DEMAND a clean glass! Look, just because you're a waiter, don't get all Egon Ronay in here! Come on! Suppose everyone asked for a clean glass? Sit down, Seymour.
Seymour? Handles my wheelbarrow once and he calls me Seymour?! Don't do that again.
It's like kissing the bouncer.
VIOLIN The little men used to call me Mr Utterthwaite.
I like the sound of that.
And then of course, there was 'Sir'.
Although Miriam would never call me 'Sir'.
Bye bye, love! See you tomorrow! What's SHE doing there? Don't forget to wear that present! Pearl, love, how do I know what a certain lady, who is almost entirely a stranger to me Don't lie to me! .
.
is doing at Wesley's house? YOU suggested calling at Wesley's place.
I had NO idea, Pearl.
Tha've got ideas.
You've got ideas bigger than your natural capacity! I've never had any complaints.
Well, you're getting one now.
Good evening, Pearl.
(Howard) Good evening, erer Her name slipped your memory, has it? A likely story! I told you.
Practically a stranger to me.
You should be able to remember the name Marina.
Just think of it as a place frequented by sailors.
How do, Albert? Hey up.
Still on the orange juice? What's HE do then? He's a Correspondence College.
Do? I AM, sir, a major influence in education circles, AND something of an innovator in the new technology.
And he's got big feet.
His sister does his washing.
Without her, he'd just be a bloke with 8 dirty shirts.
Just imagine OWNING 8 dirty shirts.
Mad King Ludwig of Bavaria.
I never knew that.
Used to have HUNDREDS of dirty shirts.
Entire palaces filled with dirty shirts.
So, what was he so mad about? He tried to live a life of pure fantasy.
Untouched by sordid reality.
He wanted his life to be a fairy tale.
And there he was, at the end of each day staring at another dirty shirt.
Which just goes to show into each reign a little life must fall.
Life is a struggle It's been a struggle to get where I am today.
You'll find life is a struggle, Barry.
I bet I do.
I bet I find life is a struggle.
But I'm not done yet.
I just need the breakthrough.
The world will utter Mutter .
.
mutter Utterthwaite in respectful tones it reserves for those who advance the frontiers of technology.
With a motorised wheelbarrer? That's only ONE of my mechanical children You've seen the computerised lawn-sprinkler.
We've HEARD it Sounded like somebody gargling with jelly.
I've a dozen things at various stages of development.
For example, the boy's wedding gift.
All in due time.
What is it? A very small motorised wheelbarrow.
It is a Master Controller.
Whose function I shall demonstrate later.
A present? For me and Glenda? With her Uncle Seymour's love.
This parcel of electronic wizardry will enable you, my boy, to relax at leisure in your fa-vour-ite chair, and operate any electric device in the house by remote control.
Wow! How well are you fixed for insurance, Barry? I should double it.
And make sure your favourite chair is fireproof! Pay them no heed.
I shall convince them of its ingenuity.
But first, a word in your ear about AMBITION, lad.
I shall guide you along its path.
Should you falter, Uncle Seymour will be there.
A good first move would be to avail yourself of a few of the world's renownest career courses offered by Utterthwaite Postal University! Which would, of course, come to you at reduced family rates.
I have to impress upon you the cardinal necessity of AMBITION.
Are you am-BIT-ious, Barry? Well Yeah.
Good man! Good answer! You'd be a natural student, lad! Are you ambitious, Norm? I gave it a whirl once, but it was in the hands of so many pushy people.
One needs that eternal spark.
The cosmic restlessness.
I used to manage on a few Woodbines.
One has to have a DREAM.
Ah! Now we're into Nora Batty territory! One has to keep that dream alive through ALL the years of trial Ye gods, I've had my trials.
Me too.
I used to get done for illegal ferreting.
WHISTLES Hello, Wally.
Where did you find that? To look at me now, you wouldn't believe the years of struggle.
Hardship.
It was a challenge, lad.
A man needs a challenge.
I got those little men working for me.
I had this practical concept of education.
I was YEARS before my time, Barry.
The authorities weren't ready for it.
The parents weren't ready for it.
Ha.
I taught those little men to paint.
To lay bricks.
To plumb Wasn't anybody grateful? The first time a couple fell off the roof, there was HELL to pay.
Hey up! SURPRISED SHOUTS FROM EVERYBODY Pearl is sounreasonable.
She just won't believe we have this mutual interest in cycling.
Perhaps if we bought bicycles.
I'd do anything, Marina.
Don't back out this time then, Howard.
Let's go all the way and buy two bicycles.
VOICES Oh, help! It's me neighbour, Norman Clegg! A dream, Barry Or may I call you Wilkinson? You must have a dream tucked away somewhere, Wilkinson.
I've always wanted to run barefoot across the moorsby moonlight.
And so you shall, lad! Well, it's a start.
I think Seymour is well and truly plastered.
Even when he's sober.
Hey up! It's Howard and Marina! I was just showing the lady the difference between cross-ply and radial tyres.
To the moors by moonlight! Albert, you're on orange juice.
You drive.
^ I'm going that way meself.
I daren't go home with this whippet.
Milburn! MILBURN! Milburn! Get that stuff inside! Come on! Now listen to me, Milburn.
You are never going to be secure in the catering profession until you have grasped the essential secret of the small establishment.
Are you listening to me, Milburn? I'm listening.
The essential secret, Milburn, of the small family establishment Are you paying attention? I am.
I'm paying attention.
Then repeat what I've just said to you.
You said: "Are you paying attention, Milburn?" Milburn I am talking about your LIFE, Milburn.
In the catering.
I cannot impress upon you too strongly, how important it is - when you think about getting married - to choose the RIGHT type of wife.
Some Some sensible lass who can work with you.
I don't know what type you like I like big I don't want to know, Milburn! .
.
tall girls.
Don't bring anybody flash here.
Try to find somebody kind, who can appreciate a steady life, with somebody gentle.
I mean, somebody who's had a hard time.
What type of girl is it, Milburn? Somebody who can appreciate a steady life.
Somebody who's had a hard time.
That's it! Auntie Ivy, can I ask you something? Go on.
Why do they call it Fast Food? I can't understand why they do.
And the way you serve it, I can't understand it either! Now GET on! And remember what I've been saying to you! SQUEAKING BOOTS - But they've ALWAYS squeaked! - You're not squeaking at a wedding! You'll have to wear it out.
I could have walked it off with that whippet.
Well, you'll just have to walk it out WITHOUT that whippet! PERSISTENT SQUEAKING ^ Mum, can you get the phone? That was Barry's mum.
His bed hasn't been slept in! What were they up to last night? Albert Earnshaw just said he drove them to Seymour's last night.
When he last saw them, they were setting off for a run.
A run?! Up on the moors.
Can't people go for a run? Oh, my giddy aunt! Now hear this, you great oily muffin, if you don't get that lad to church Mam! Who was that on the phone? Nobody, love.
Wrong number.
BANG! PEARL: He didn't come home last night! (I want you to swear that you never saw me last night with Marina.
) I NEVER saw you last night with Marina! That's it! He's not in! I always know when he's not in.
It's like sunshine after rain.
(Where are they?) I thought they'd be home.
What were they doing when you left? Looking for Barry.
Couldn't you have helped 'em? I was saying goodnight to me whippet.
I keep her up in the hills.
Keep going! Ah, I think I will.
And don't be too long! Oh, no! Well, okay, genius.
What next? What other bright ideas have you got? Hmm I'm thinking it out.
Oh! He's thinking it out.
They'll all be thinking about it.
Bridegroom missing at his wedding.
People notice that kind of thing.
It's like any other problem.
It has to be analysed and the appropriate action taken.
I'm all for lying or running away.
That sounds reasonable.
We're half way there.
We know exactly where the boy is.
How's it going, Barry? BARRY'S VOICE ECHOES It's all right! It's just me ankle! Looks like a nice day for your wedding, Barry.
There HAS to be a way to remove a bridegroom from a hole.
He's looking at me, Norm.
Why is he looking at me? You bonehead! You'd better find him, or you're in TROUBLE! Me? Seymour was looking after him.
"Our Seymour's the brains of the family.
" If you've put your great hoof through this wedding, I'll Are you all ready then? Yes, thank you, love.
Going like clockwork! If you don't get him to that church, don't bother to hurry home! Where's me dad going now? Just a few last minute errands, love.
Have you seen him? Who? I thought you might have heard a passing squeaky boot.
Whose squeaky boot? Me husband's.
Lord save us.
Who else is missing? Well, I wouldn't say he was missing.
But you don't know where is? It's that whippet.
He's gone all broody over that damned whippet.
At his age and you'd think you can RELAX.
You can never relax.
BOOTS SQUEAK I'm not going home till we can both go home.
It's not as if she's not used to dogs.
I've had a dog's life all these years.
That's not true.
She's hard, but she's fair.
No, I tell a lie, she's NOT fair.
But by heck, she's handy if there's any trouble.
I've always felt safe at nights.
If we can get you in, she'll look after you.
Once you're on t'staff, there's no backing out.
CAR PA-A-R-R-P!! BACKFIRES WESLEY: Where do you think you're going? I'm just following this whippet.
Get in! Right ho.
BANG! Why don't I go for some help? Be quiet! What's he going to do? He's going to grab your legs.
Me legs?! With a bit of luck, he can use you as a ladder.
How lucky can you get? Don't let me go! STOP squirming! Aargh! With a bit of luck, you'll come out taller! If you can grab his legs, Barry! I hate doing this in a dinner jacket! OH! It can get very hectic on your wedding day.
Get a GOOD GRIP, lad! I've no time for a butterfingers.
Grab something and hang on! I AM hanging on! OHH!! ME LEGS!! Pull! That's it! WESLEY: Where the HELL have you lot been? SEYMOUR: I had it ALL under control.
It didn't feel like that.
I know what it felt like.
Am I late for my wedding? A great start, that is.
SEYMOUR: I'll get you there.
My place, Wesley.
Aagh! I'd better go.
She'll be going BANANAS! Tell her that all is under control.
Driving across them moors hasn't done this old girl much good! Oh! Do you think you can drive? I don't think so.
Not to worry.
Right.
Who's going to drive? Come back, Wesley! We've hit a snag!! BANG! BANG! He's NEVER there when you need him! Yes? Er, Cleggy can drive a bit.
Well, then! I-I gave it up years ago.
Can't YOU drive? I like to sit in the back and give directions.
You'll have to drive.
Squealer.
This is the last time I help you down any holes.
You might notice a whistle.
I never notice anything when I'm driving.
I make it a golden rule.
Listen.
What is it? Nothing.
I thought I heard a squeaky boot.
I never thought I'd miss that sound.
It's the things that irritate you miss the most.
I miss mine every day.
I go to that cemetery twice a week.
(But you daren't talk above a whisper.
) He never will feel at home if I'm not there raising me voice.
She's in FIRST! I knew it would be difficult.
Use the CLUTCH! At the same time? I can't think of everything.
I'll promise I'll never say anything again! Get in reverse.
GEARS CRASH Here we go then.
Well, you said reverse.
Well! All right, you can keep it.
As long as it behaves.
But it doesn't go upstairs.
And you pick up the hairs it sheds.
Tie it up somewhere, and follow us on! Ye gods! Just LOOK at that dress! But not for TOO long! I don't know what you mean.
I wish you wouldn't do that with your elbow.
You've crushed my cigarettes.
I know what I SHALL crush.
Me favourite filter tip.
That's the one.
Oh! Oh, rotten heck! I could spit! Why does life give a girl such a hard time? Have you had a hard time? I have Ooh, I have! Stillmustn't grumble.
Ooh, how tiny my shoe looks in your capable hands! Your strap's broke.
Story of me life.
Eh! My! What strong fingers you've got! What were you doing with that woman? It's like what you said.
A poor lass that's had an 'ard time.
GET in there and read a hymn book! I've found mine.
If he goes off again, ask him to call for mine.
You do look smart, Edie.
We all do our best, don't we? SOUND OF SMALL ENGINE Oh, my giddy aunt! Did you HAVE to bring him in this, Seymour? It works! Development money! Where can I get development money? What's wrong with your leg? It's just the one.
Well, I'm just thankful no-one else saw you arrive.
Hey up, Nora! Tha looks a treat! Get off! Get on with your bridegroom! She's really very Madam! Don't you madam me! Comes here in a wild wheelbarrow with a damaged bridegroom.
And take your unwanted arm away! He may be covered in whippet hairs but he's mine.
And it's HIS arm I shall be entering on! OI!! Who IS that fearsome female? Oh, that's Wally's.
No wonder he wanted a whippet.
She's great value.
You'll like her.
Don't lie to him.
We're at church.
Is tha coming? Not in the same pew.
I shall sit one row behind.
You will not turn round during the service.
He's off again! And you will sing the hymns.
RASPBERRY What was that?! Sounds like a self-propelled wheelbarrow.
If he wasn't so bolshie, I could find him lots of little jobs.
You too.
Oh, we'll be around.
Lifting, and simple things.
It wouldn't pay much.
How much? It could work out as much as .
.
nothing.
Couldn't you do it for the interest? The opportunity to be part of the Utterthwaite team? He's going to get on my wick.
You know that, don't you? So what else are we doing? Will you stop! Mind the lapels! Will you stop! Please! Nowlook here Remember, we are not mixing socially.
You are in my employ.
His leg? It's only one leg.
Be thankful that the rest of him is here.
You look LOVELY! She's right You DO look lovely.
What happened to his leg? You know how it is.
Things happen to legs.
by Gillian Spence SIRENS WAIL 'Stand back, lads! Stand back! There might be more than one!'