Married with Children s08e07 Episode Script

All right.
Now, let's review this year's Halloween strategy.
This is the Miller house.
The Millers give away nice, healthy fruit so obviously we'll be egging the Miller house.
Now, Mr.
Grover here, he doesn't believe in Halloween but I say we ring his doorbell over and over again anyhow.
- Well, how come? - He's a Jehovah's Witness and I want him to know what it feels like for a change.
I'm sorry I'm late.
We had a Halloween party down at the extermination company.
It was fun for a while, but we all learned a very valuable lesson: Never spray poison into each other's mouths and play Twister.
People were dropping like flies.
Well, that just goes to show you, you're never too blond to learn.
All right, kids.
Let's put on our costumes that we made last night.
I ran out of ideas.
All right, let's go.
Peggy.
I'm in terrible trouble.
How'd you know it was me? Well, you told me you were going as a princess.
Anyway, I'm hosting a Halloween charity fundraiser tonight for women who killed their husbands just to watch them die.
You can't imagine how hard it is to find an appropriate theme party.
And then it hit me.
What I needed was a mega-star rock group.
And I did it.
I got the hottest rock group from the '70s.
The Village People.
Surely you've heard of the Village People.
They were huge.
They sold millions.
And they just called collect and said they can't make it.
So now I've got a house full of angry menopausal women who have paid $100 a head to see the Village People.
So as a favour to me, I'd like you all to come over to the party.
Thank God.
I thought she was gonna ask us to dress up as the Village People and entertain.
And dress up as the Village People and entertain.
- That's insane.
- We couldn't possibly pull that off.
What kind of idiot would set himself up for a suicide mission like that? I don't know, Marcie.
Are you sure the lead singer wore his pants this tight? The cow these came from couldn't walk in this leather.
Jefferson, there are women at our house who have killed their husbands for saying, "Where's my bacon?" Now, do you wanna be the one to tell them there's no Village People? Now, go oil your pecs and get macho.
I'll oil my pecs, but no way I'm getting macho.
I have my dignity.
So any other volunteers? - No way, Mrs.
D'Arcy.
- No way I'm going over.
There's $500 in it for you.
Oh, how I hate Halloween.
Ask me how much I hate Halloween.
More than that.
Well, they make all us employees put on these costumes like some woman's gonna say, "Gee, I wasn't gonna I wasn't gonna buy any shoes today but since I see you in a dinosaur costume, I will.
" And the ride home wouldn't have been so bad if the kids had actually got gas instead of painting the needle on the gauge full.
But I don't mind pushing the Dodge through gang turf because I'm a mighty stegosaurus.
By the way, did I mention how much I hate Halloween? Go away.
Dear Al, trick-or-treat plans are cancelled.
We're at Marcie's house being Village People.
Love, Peggy.
P.
S.
There's a plate warming in the oven for you.
How does she find the time? I hate life, life hates me Soon I'll Quiet, Buck.
Good dog.
I saw you push into the driveway, Bundy.
Open up.
All right.
Pint-sized, greedy little shakedown artist.
What the hell do you want? What the hell do you think? It's Halloween, I'm in a costume, I have a bag.
I don't have any candy.
Go away.
Say, are you one of those dinosaurs that spits? - No.
- Well, I am.
Next to Christmas, Thanksgiving, Sunday through Monday Halloween's gotta be the worst day of the year.
Bundy is a doody-head Bundy is a doody-head I wish I was dead.
Unless you're Death, go away.
That's it.
Look, kid, I'm out of patience and I'm out of candy, so beat it.
- How'd you do that? - I'm Death.
That's the first thing they teach you in Death school.
Gotta have a gimmick.
Hey, you are Death.
Oh, you found my G-spot.
I'm just kidding you nearly departed hunk of beefcake.
You mind if I take this hood off? It's hot as hell in here, and I just had my hair done.
Perfect.
This? I thought that might get you.
Actually, I can look any way I want.
I can be your greatest fantasy.
I could be your worst nightmare.
I could be my worst nightmare but who'd wanna go around looking like Sally Struthers? - But why me? - You've been calling.
I have not.
Well, let's just check the Grim Beeper, shall we? Isn't this your number? Yes.
Maybe I have called for death once or twice or a hundred times but you know, it's just something that you say, that you don't actually mean.
You know, like, "How you doing?" Or "I love you.
" I knew it.
Another weenie turning yellow in the face of eternal darkness.
You know, you people make me sick.
I didn't have this hard a time with Elvis.
- Then Elvis really is? - Oh, please.
It took six of us to get him out of there.
We had to take the bathroom door off the hinges slipping on Ho Hos all the way.
You wouldn't lick the back of his postage stamp if you'd seen what I saw.
Oh, please don't take me! Take somebody who deserves it, like Michael Bolton or whoever wrote that Facts of Life theme.
Okay, Bundy, you caught me on a good night.
Tell you what I'll do.
I'll cut you a deal.
A deal.
Yes, a deal.
Anything.
I'll do anything, but please All right.
Tell you what.
Anytime between now and midnight if any member of your family says that they need you in any way I'll let you live.
All my family has to do is say they need me? That's right.
- Just once? - Just once.
Then I'll get my suitcase.
Here's me with all six of the Three Stooges.
My favourite was Curly, so I took him out first.
Here's me with John Wayne.
Listen, I don't wanna be rude but shouldn't someone be next door finding out if my family said they needed me? We don't have to go all the way over there.
This is Death in the '90s, baby.
Death has its own cable network.
DTV.
Tonight, a bus crash in Texas followed by Growing Pains.
But first, let's join the D 'Arcys.
We better hurry, Marcie.
I just saw one of them sharpening her moustache comb into a shiv.
Come on, guys, they're getting restless.
This is not going to work.
- It can't work.
- It will work.
- How? - See, it's working already.
Now, all you have to do is lip-synch to the record.
What's a record? For you? A second date.
You know who I wish were here to see this? Me! Me! Come on, baby! Say it, Peg! The Supremes.
I'm much better at singing "Love Child.
" You know, that's her pet name for me.
Yeah, see, sometimes I call her pookie and then she calls me "The Supremes.
" You'd lie to Death? Oh, how low.
"Macho Man"! "Macho Man"! "Macho Man"! Quiet, please.
And now the act you've all been waiting for, the Village People.
Suppose my family lets me down do you have any idea where I might be going? Well, you might want to bring along a lot of sun block.
SPF one million.
Just kidding.
Maybe.
What's the next song? There is no next song.
I just have the 45.
Look, this is degrading.
Worst of all, I don't even get to be the sexy Village Person.
I quit.
Sing! Hit it! I know this isn't easy for you, Bundy.
Death isn't easy for anybody.
Take Shakespeare, and I did.
Arguably the greatest writer in history and when it was his time, all he could say was, and I quote: Mondo disappointment for me.
Why, even Lincoln was able to eek out a: "Okay, okay.
So let's not free them.
" I'll tell you, this job sure isn't as easy as it used to be.
Strike one.
How many times have they sung that song? I don't remember.
But I also don't remember the Construction Worker having pimples.
And I don't remember the Indian having boobies out to here.
And now the Village People will be proud to take your requests.
Anything but "Y.
M.
C.
A.
" I heard "Y.
M.
C.
A.
" Hit it, Villagers.
You know who I wish was here to see this? Say me, Al, your ever-Ioving husband, Peg! Cousin Wormy.
He has all the Village People records.
Yes! But he doesn't have any nostrils, does he, Peg? Calm down, Bundy.
You'll give yourself a stroke.
Village People or not, one more round of "Y.
M.
C.
A.
" and I say we hammer them with their own tools.
Hey, Bud.
I think these women are getting mad.
We better throw them a crumb.
Hey, we're here.
Hey, by the way, sorry about the Dodge out front.
- Why? Did you hit it? - No, I'm just sorry about it.
That's the real Policeman.
I'd know that nightstick anywhere.
Don't make me use it.
Wait.
If these are the real Village People, who are they? You frauds! How dare you try to pass yourselves off as America's best-Ioved disco kings.
Sorry we're late, everyone.
But it is Halloween, and everybody gave us candy.
You've all been waiting, so we'll kick it off with a little something that goes like this.
Hit it, guys.
Guess that was my last chance, huh? Now, now, Bundy.
It's still five minutes to midnight.
Have a little faith.
- Okay, kids, let's go.
- Wait, Mom, you gotta see this.
They hog-tied the Cowboy, they handcuffed the Policeman and they glue-gunned the Construction Worker to the Indian.
Well, what about the other two? They're TP'ing us.
They don't normally do this till we sing "Feelings.
" Hey, wait a minute.
They're throwing the good stuff.
Two-ply.
- No, that's one-ply.
- No, no, no.
- It's two-ply.
- Let's ask Dad.
Yeah, where is he when we need him? She said it.
She said it.
My pumpkin said she needs me.
And for quite the noble cause, might I add.
You know, you are a lucky man, Bundy.
But I'll see you day after you win the lottery.
Just kidding.
Maybe.
- Dad, wake up, wake up.
- Daddy, wake up.
- Was I dreaming? - No, Daddy, you were dying.
My Verminator tank sprung a leak and you've been breathing in toxic poison.
Here, smell.
Oh, my God, we were so worried about you.
He's okay, Mom.
Don't call an ambulance.
I'm not.
I was ordering a pizza.
Poison? - So Death and the Village People? - Oh, no, no, no.
That really happened.
But just so you wouldn't feel left out, we invited them over here.
- What? - Yes.
Okay, guys, hit it!