Roseanne s08e07 Episode Script

( theme music playing ) Okay, he's in his car seat and ready to roll.
Look at that little jerry garcia conner.
He's so cute and content in the car.
Yeah, we sure named him right.
He's only happy when he's on the road.
( cooing ) Okay, he's starting to fuss.
Come on, let's get this thing loaded.
( country music playing ) Well, that ought to be enough to get us to the mall.
( theme music playing ) ( Roseanne laughs ) - ( baby cooing ) - boy, i've never seen him this happy.
Look at him drool.
You know, my andy still drools.
At what age does this drooling go from a sign of happiness To a sign of You know Hello, Mrs.
Gump, We found your son? Here's sensitivity, here's you.
Chasm! Boy, what a cool day.
For the first time in two weeks, jerry hasn't been cranky Or clamping onto my breast every two seconds.
Now if a car ride could just do the same for Dan I'm glad you're happy.
I can't believe in that whole mall I couldn't find that hair color that cybill shepherd uses.
Well, maybe you're just not worth it.
We ought to go to that big outlet mall up in elgin.
Elgin? That's an hour away.
So, how would you rather spend the next hour? A peaceful drive in the country, Or back at my place with gray roots and a screaming baby? Can we discuss it before you make up my mind? There has to be someplace closer than that.
Well, jerry's happy and that makes me happy.
We want to go to elgin, huh, honey? ( cooing ) That's it.
Turn this thing around.
You're outvoted.
I can't be outvoted by a baby.
Okay, then i'll outvote you all by myself.
( video game beeping ) Hey, Deej, Are you Playing a video game? ( imitating d.
J.
's voice ) no, dad, I'm developing my hand-eye coordination, So I can be of use to the u.
S.
Army.
Let me put this another way: If you weren't here right now, I would have the house to myself For the first time since Well, ever.
So What's it gonna take? I'm writing down a number.
Interesting How does this grab you? Are we gonna do business or you just gonna bust my chops? This thing you have done for me, I will not forget.
I'll be home by 8:00.
Okay, 9:00.
Yes.
The house is mine.
Mine, I tell you! ( laughs maniacally ) First comfort Ah Then entertainment.
Hey, guys.
You two are going out tonight, aren't you? Well, we weren't going to.
Until we heard you were giving away money.
Thanks a lot, Deej.
Your brother cleaned me out.
Okay, fine.
David, Why don't you go get that 10,000-piece puzzle off the top shelf? Wait a minute, wait.
Okay.
If the waiter cuts that in half you're on your own.
It's all right, I got plenty of cash.
Ahh.
What's with wives? I don't get it, man.
She kicked me out of my own house.
She kicked you out, so you come to her parents' house We're the ones who taught her not to like you in the first place.
Do you understand your wife, Dan? I understand that she's gone for the first time since she had the baby.
And I finally have the opportunity To ponder world events, religious philosophies See how many different sounds my body can make.
What are we watching? I was watching the game alone, by myself, solo, Party of one.
It's a good thing I came over, then.
Hey, Roseanne, put these on.
I'm gonna take our picture and we'll look just like thelma and louise.
Yeah.
People do say I look just like geena davis.
And you look just like harvey keitel.
My boy.
- here you are.
- I think you forgot this.
Oh, I forgot the bag with all my stuff in it.
All right, i'll tie it to the back of the car And we'll drag it along behind us.
Do you guys think you can give me a ride? - i'm kinda stranded.
- stranded, huh? - that's awful.
- excuse us, young woman.
- come on, Jackie.
- no no.
Don't even think about it.
We have to go home.
Look at her, Jackie.
She looks so alone.
She looks like an escapee.
- we can't just leave her here.
- of course we can.
So, where are you heading, miss? My name is garland.
I'm going to glenview.
Glenview-- that's like an hour out of our way.
Sorry.
Good luck.
Come on, Jackie, we're gonna take her with us.
Just to be safe, go on and pat her down.
All right.
Uh, missy If you're gonna be traveling with us, Just to be safe, you know, i'm gonna have to Give you a little frisk.
It's okay, she used to be a cop.
At least that's what she told me when she did it to me.
No problem.
She's clean.
I set the thermostat on 70, I come back a few minutes later, Becky's got it turned up to 78.
You rig the thermostat so that when it says 78, It's really 70.
It's funny.
I used to be happy when my team was winning.
Then she forgets to pay the bills for a couple of weeks.
I mean, she's the one who wants to handle the money, So you know, handle it, lady.
( silent ) Darlene, come on, we're not going to see "showgirls" again, It's a bad movie.
I know, David, it's the worst.
Everything that joe eszterhas writes is his revenge On some girl who ignored him in high school.
I've seen what the guy looks like.
I'm guessing he's got 1,000 more in him.
But it embarrasses me when you holler And throw things at the screen.
Well, it embarrassed me when you teared up At "sleepless in seattle.
" Okay, but you know we can't go back to the same theater Where we saw "basic instinct.
" They have our pictures up in the box office.
Okay, cool.
Tomorrow we'll see one of those sensitive- Foreign-little-boy- with-a-bicycle movies you like to see.
And i'll bring a book.
Cool.
I don't believe them.
They have a fight and they make up in a minute.
There's a difference, Mark.
What, that they're younger than me and Becky? The reason that they have a fight and then make up the next minute Is that they are not married.
Yeah, but me and Becky are married, So how is that different? When you're married for 20 years, you'll understand.
Why? You guys have been married for 20 years.
That's right.
Look Maybe if I tell you this it'll make you feel better.
Let me explain to you What it's like to be married to Mrs.
Conner.
We're gonna need some more beer.
Jackie, you'd get a better view And it'd probably be a lot safer if you just had her ride out there on the hood.
So garland, tell us about your band.
It's awesome.
See, every member is a riot girl, like me.
And we call ourselves the "unit shredders.
" Unit shredders? What is unit shredders? Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's cute.
So you have no idea what kind of stuff riot girls Are out there screaming about? See, we're about taking control, Not trashing yourself, you know? Chicks that rock, Taking our place in rock and roll, man-- our band is doing it.
A lot of bands are doing it, actually.
Have you ever heard of "red aunts"? - no.
- "babes in toyland"? - huh-uh.
- "l-seven"? - huh-uh.
- "bikini kill"? Oh, "bikini kill.
" Are they back together again? Put it in, let's hear some.
Okay.
( punk music playing ) Good message, huh? It's freedom rock, man.
Turn it up.
Well, Jackie, she's got a metal plate in her head And it amplifies the sound.
That it does.
Clang-clang, clang-clang.
There's my exit.
Oh, we're playing up at the storage unit, Up the street.
I'd invite you, But we're sold out.
All six tickets, huh? Pretty good, huh? Keep on truckin', jerry.
- keep the tape.
- oh, thanks.
I'm really sorry about your head, dude.
- see you later.
- yeah.
You know what she is? Nervy.
No, Jackie, you know what she is? That music is just noise.
It's a bunch of kids making screeching, loud-- just noise.
What happened to music these days? Who the hell are you, tipper gore? Anyways, look, these are pretty good lyrics.
Listen-- "don't need you to say we're cute, Don't need you to say we're all right Don't need your protection Don't need no kiss good night.
" At least these girls are saying something, you know? Not like the music we grew up with.
Remember "take a letter, maria"? Oh I loved that song.
You do not love that, Jackie.
Have you ever listened to those words? It's about this guy and he's screwing his secretary, And she still has to take his stinking letters to his wife.
She's getting screwed twice.
No, it's about the guy finds out That the wife is cheating on him.
Oh yeah, sure.
Go ahead and take the guy's side, Jackie.
Okay, what about uh "baby, baby, don't get hooked on me," Remember that? He tells her that he'll use her And then he'll just set her free.
Use me, i'll set you on fire, you bastard.
So all of our songs couldn't have sucked.
What about all those sweet guys, Like donovan and jim croce and the beatles? Yeah, the beatles were good.
Remember they had that song, "run for your life" though? Remember that song, "run for your life," the beatles? It goes, "he'd rather see her dead Than to be with another man.
" That's all them wife beaters need is an anthem.
- all our music was guy music.
- yeah.
Never did hear a lot of women on the radio, you know? - till janis.
- oh well, thank god for janis.
You know, I also "learned the truth at 17.
" Not janis ian, you idiot.
Janis joplin.
I like that one, when linda ronstadt came out with that song - "different drum.
" that was cool, - yeah.
'cause for once it says about the girl leaving the relationship.
You know who was really tough? Pat benatar.
Yeah.
And joan jett.
- chrissie hynde.
- oh, chrissie, yeah.
Oh, wait wait wait.
I know we have this tape, patti smith.
- remember? I got it.
- which? ( both singing ) people have the power people have the power Would you look at-- look at that.
Look at that idiot trucker with the naked-woman mud flaps.
That makes me mad.
I wanna get mud flaps With a guy with a great big beer gut hanging on it.
That's gross.
Jackie, Jackie! Look at the bumper sticker: Save the whales-- harpoon a fat chick.
Pull up to him, Jackie! We'll show him a little "bikini kill.
" I'm there, sister.
Hey hey.
So what? It's only the most perfectly- shaped women for you, You big, hairy, toothless, sweaty, cross-eyed hog.
Man: hey.
Hey, show me your boobs! - what's he doing? - he's flipping us off back! Man, he's-- Women rule, dirtbag! ( squeals ) Crazy-- - man: hey! - ( squeals ) There's a motel at the next exit! Kiss my fat chick-- If you could get your fat -- out of the car! Hey stupid, your lane ends in 10'.
- i'll show you 10 feet! ( screams ) - ( honking ) - ( loud bang ) - oh my god.
Oh my god, he clipped the utility pole.
What do I-- do we stop and exchange name and numbers? This is no time to try to get a date, Jackie.
Floor it! Damn, I can't call Dan.
The phone's dead.
I can't believe what you did.
What did I do? I had an honest, intellectual discussion with a trucker.
We made him veer off the road! ( police sirens ) Oh my god, they found us.
It's the heat, it's the fuzz, It's the man.
Man, they found us fast.
Too bad we didn't call them, Then we'd still have another 15 minutes to work with.
They're coming over here.
Now let's get our story straight.
Okay, we were at mcdonald's, You had the quarter pounder and cato had the filet o' fish.
( whines ) Is there a problem here, ladies? Oh, no.
I just had to pull over to-- - I nurse my baby.
- whoa.
Well, we just got word that a car that fits this description Was involved in an incident with a big rig.
It seems that someone made an obscene gesture To the driver, causing him to veer off the road And smash into a utility pole.
Does that sound familiar? As someone who has worn The steel shield herself, I can assure you that there is nothing more to talk about here, Is there? You mean, other than your involvement in the incident.
Hey, do we look like the kind of women That would flip off a trucker? Okay, we do, but it wasn't us, I swear.
Lucky for you nobody got hurt, but this is serious business.
Yeah, you're right.
Well, why don't we discuss it right after I switch sides here? Okay, well, it seems that you two have learned your lesson, So why don't you just promise me you'll drive straight home, okay? - okay.
- you got it.
You got it.
We won't even stop at the stop signs! You know, I admire the way you cops get up, Hit those streets every morning Taking on those bloodthirsty crazy maniacs out there.
That's nothing compared to going home to my wife every night.
Mark, I don't want you to get the wrong idea.
I wouldn't trade a minute of my time with Mrs.
Conner.
And when you're old and beaten down, You'll get to say the same thing.
Yeah, but what keeps you going? What do you look forward to? About once every You get to spend a peaceful hour alone.
I guess i'll give it another shot with Becky And i'll give you your hour and all.
Thank a lot, Mark.
I'll do the same for you when your hour comes up.
hot dogs, armour hot dogs what kind of kids eat armour hot dogs? well, fat kids, skinny kids, kids who climb on rocks tough kids, sissy kids, even kids with chicken pox love hot dogs-- I'm back.
So soon? What do you mean so soon? It's almost 9:00.
Not on the west coast.
Get back out there.
So how'd it go out there? Well, if the cops don't show up in the next half hour, Pretty good.
Look at him.
He's sleeping like a Like a baby.
I guess that's where that comes from.
What went on around here tonight? Oh, nothing.
I just had to teach Mark how to handle Becky.
Handle Becky? It's not like she's a sports car, Dan.
Men don't handle women, okay? That's one of the things that's gonna change around here.
What went on on the road? There's a revolution out there we didn't even know about.
It's about women taking control, you know? It's about being a riot girl.
The oil light went on, didn't it? No.
A wake-up call went off and I heard it Loud and clear.
I had a hot dog an armour hot dog I wish I woulda ate my armour hot dog ( theme music playing )