Seinfeld s08e07 Episode Script

You seen these commercials for indigestion drugs? Pepcid AC.
Tagamet HB? Whole country's sick to their stomachs.
You know you're supposed to take these things before you get sick? - What is this, a bit? - No.
- Because I'm not in the mood.
- We're just talking.
Is this not the greatest marketing ploy ever? If you feel good, you're supposed to take one.
I know that tone.
This is a bit.
They've opened a whole new market.
Medication for the well.
All right.
Are you done with your little amusement? Then you admit it was amusing? It was okay.
But move the "medication for the well" to the front and hit the word "good" harder.
Great.
Thanks.
So your firm designed all the furniture in here? Well, we manufacture it.
The original designs are by Karl Farbman.
Oh, Farbman.
- Do you know Farbman? - Love Farbman.
Most people go their whole lives without sitting in a Farbman.
Well, if you call that living.
Wouldrt it be great if Farbman designed shoes? Brett? Don't you think that would be great? Brett? After the song, babe.
This song.
So when do I meet this jerk? He's not a jerk, Jer.
He only works with Karl Farbman.
- Who? - I don't know.
Some designer.
Anyway, Brett is so generous and sensitive.
Last night he was moved just listening to a song.
- What song? - "Desperado.
" "Desperado"? And you're still dating him? I'll tell you who sounds a little desperado.
See that salesman twirling that umbrella? I invented that.
That had to be invented? When I started out as a comedian, I sold umbrellas.
It was my idea to twirl it to attract customers.
Oh, really? Well, why don't we ask him about it? - Elaine.
- Excuse me.
Hey, how you doing? My friend here says that he invented that little twirl you're doing.
Elaine, please, it was a long time ago.
The man doesn't want a history lesson.
Teddy Padilac came up with this twirl.
I know Teddy Padilac.
I worked with him on 48th and Sixth.
That's where he come up with it.
- In his dreams.
- All right.
Can we go? By the way, you're doing it too fast.
You'll disorient the customers.
It's the twirling that dazzles the eye.
I find it disorienting.
Who buys an umbrella anyway? You can get them for free in the coffee shop in the metal cans.
Those belong to people.
Hey.
Well, this was downstairs for you.
Oh, no, not more checks.
They're coming in faster than I can sign them.
- What checks? - Oh, you didn't hear? Jerry's a big star in Japan.
Don't know why.
There's a one-second clip of me in the credits of some Japanese comedy show.
Yeah, The Super Terrific Happy Hour.
They run it all the time.
I'm starting to get these royalty checks.
Look at all of those.
You're rich.
No, each one is for like 12 cents.
It's barely won'th the pain in my hand to sign them.
Jerry, you need any new furniture? - Why? - Elaine's new boyfriend, you know he's giving me this oversized chest of drawers.
- It's a Farbman.
- He's giving you furniture? - Who is this guy? - Who are any of her losers? You're on that list.
I gotta go home and open up the house for the carpet cleaners.
You know, they're doing my whole place for $25? Oh, no, no, no.
Not the Sunshine Carpet Cleaners? - Yeah.
You heard of them? - They're a crazy religious cult.
The carpet cleaning is just a means for them to get into your apartment.
So? For a $25 cleaning, I can listen to some pointless blather.
I do it.
I'm not even getting the cleaning.
I signed over 100 checks this morning.
- Hello, $ 12.
- Excuse me.
Would you take a picture, please.
Oh, yeah.
Sure.
I'm gonna ask this guy something.
Hey, nice twirl you got there.
You know who invented that, don't you? - Hey, are you folks from Japan? - Yes.
You recognize that mug? That's the funny face that greets you at the beginning of The Super Terrific Happy Hour.
- Oh, Super Terrific! - Yeah.
Yeah, huh? Yeah, that's him.
What is he doing? Well, I don't know, but something super-terrific, I'm sure.
- That's funny.
- Oh, yeah, very funny.
And it wouldn't be impolite to laugh at his antics.
Yeah, that's it.
Because everybody laughs at Jerry here in America.
We're pretty much finished.
There's just one more thing.
Here it comes.
You forgot to sign your check.
Sorry.
You sure there isn't anything else? No.
So that's it? - Unless you need a receipt.
- I wish that was all I needed.
Life can be so confusing.
I'm searching for answers anywhere.
Good luck with that.
Hey.
What's with the claw? Super-terrific carpal tunnel syndrome.
- There's no sign of Kramer.
- Oh, Brett.
- This is Jerry.
- Hi.
That's very funny.
Elaine told me you're some kind of comedian.
I'm one kind.
Have you seen the chest of drawers Brett gave to Kramer? - Fleckman.
- Farbman.
Right.
- You gotta see them.
They're beautiful.
- I'm sure they are.
I'd be happy to get you some, if that's what you're driving at.
- No, I'm fine.
Thank you.
- Don't worry.
It's no charge to you.
Looks like what you really need is a decent desk for writing your skits.
I don't write skits.
Of course you don't.
You don't have a proper workstation.
I'll fax over my catalog.
Brett, Jerry doesn't have a fax machine.
I'm sure things will pick up for you soon.
Elaine, maybe we should get going.
- Wanna join us? - Where you going, the coffee shop? The coffee shop? I think we can do a little better than that.
You look like you could use a solid meal at a real restaurant.
- You look like you could use a - Jerry.
Three hundred dollars.
Hey, Mr.
Oh, how much would these run you in Tokyo? Those are 30,000 yen.
Thirty thousand? Well, these are practically free.
Giddyup.
You're a cowboy now.
I feel terrible about your friend Jerry.
He's upset that I gave Kramer that chest of drawers.
Why do you think he's upset? Well, how could he not be? Living in that cramped little apartment that outdated furniture, so terribly un-Karl-Farbman-like.
We're not gonna talk about Karl Farbman all night, are we? I hope not.
Brett, is everything all right? What is it? Is there someone outside? Elaine, the song.
For a minute, I thought it was that urban legend about the guy with the hook hanging on the Elaine, could you just not talk for one minute? Sorry.
- No spiel? - Not a peep.
They just cleaned the carpets and left.
They call themselves a cult.
So you're angry that this bizarre carpet cabal made no attempt to abduct you? They could have at least tried.
Maybe they thought you looked too smart to be brainwashed.
- Please.
- Too dumb? Well, Mackie's back in town.
Nice duds.
Yeah, it's a gift from my Japanese friends.
They're known as gift-givers.
And tonight, we're going dancing at the Rainbow Room.
Sounds like you're throwing their money around.
Well, Jerry, they're Japanese.
I mean, that TV you watch, that sushi you eat even that kimono you wear where do you think all that money goes? That's right.
How'd you hook up with these guys? They recognized Jerry from The Super Terrific Happy Hour.
See, you should be doing your own show in Japan.
Now, they get you.
What kind of show am I gonna do in Japan? What did you do with that pilot you did? Yeah, the pilot.
Right.
That had marvelous production values.
I do a lot of business with Japanese TV.
They broadcast a lot of American baseball.
They got an office here in New York.
Forget it.
The pilot was awful.
It failed.
It failed here.
Because here every time you turn on a TV all you see is four morons sitting around an apartment whining about their dates.
See, George is right, Jerry.
See, here you're just another apple.
But in Japan, you're an exotic fruit, like an orange, which is rare there.
You had a date? You went out with my butler? Who said you could go out with my butler? - Why do I need your permission? - Because he's my butler.
So, what do you think? We're a bit confused.
Why was this man Jerry's butler? You see, the man who is the butler had gotten into a car accident with Jerry.
And because he didn't have any insurance the judge decreed that the man become Jerry's butler.
Is this customary in your legal system? No.
That's what makes it such a humorous situation.
I'm sorry.
I'm sure Mr.
Seinfeld is very funny to Americans.
But I'm not sure this butler show would work in Japan.
Oh, l I disagree.
You've You've been living in America too long.
You've forgotten what it's like to have no oranges.
Sorry.
My hand is numb.
Yes, from endorsing checks for The Super Terrific Happy Hour.
You must go.
Well, I think I'm on the outs with Brett.
I got shushed during "Desperado.
" What does he listen to, the all "Desperado" station? He is just in his own world when he hears that song.
It's like I'm sitting there in the car, and he's out riding fences.
You know, what you need is a song you can share.
Yeah, you're right.
We need to find our song.
Okay.
So is there any song that you feel very strongly about? I like "Witchy Woman.
" - "Witchy Woman"? - You know, "Witchy Woman.
" Oh, "Witchy Woman.
" - Hey, Elaine.
- Hey.
Hey, how was the Rainbow Room? Well, we We had to leave early.
There was a slight monetary discrepancy regarding the bill.
- Listen, could I borrow some pillows? - What for? Well, my Japanese friends are gonna stay with me.
I thought they all had suites at the Plaza.
Well, I'm sorry, Jerry.
We all don't have checks rolling in like you do.
Well, what about all that money from the kimonos I wear? Well, they ran out of it.
I mean, Manattan can be quite pricey, even with 50,000 yen.
Fifty thousand yen? Isn't that only a few hundred dollars? Evidently.
Oh, by the way, tell Brett that his chest of drawers are a big hit.
My guests are very comfortable in them.
In them? You have them sleeping in drawers? Jerry, have you ever seen the business hotels in Tokyo? They sleep in tiny, stacked cubicles all the time.
- They feel right at home.
- This has international incident written all over it.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Good night, Mr.
Tanaka.
- Good night.
- Good night, Mr.
Oh.
- Good night.
Good night, Mr.
Yamaguchi.
- What is this? - Rice Krispies.
East meets West, Jerry.
It's a lovely little bureau-and-breakfast you're running.
Well, I'm off to the bank.
Elaine, l What do you think? What are you doing? That's "Witchy Woman.
" I thought it could be our song.
"Witchy Woman" is okay for you, but I've already got a song.
Oh, well, then how about "Desperado"? We can share it.
No.
It's mine.
Here you go.
Snap, crackle and pop.
Good morning, Mr.
Oh.
I gotta make up the drawer.
Come back in half-hour.
- Hey, I'll take one.
- Well, look who's back.
Teddy, this is the guy says he invented the twirl.
Jerry Seinfeld.
Teddy Padilac, long time, no see.
What do you got in a push-button mini? Same thing we had when you bailed on us 15 years ago.
Bailed? Come on, you knew I wanted to be a comedian.
Besides, we had some good times.
Remember Tropical Storm Renee? Oh, yeah, sure.
But where were you during the poncho craze of '84? I almost lost my house.
Umbrella, buddy? Now we got that damn urban sombrero to contend with.
Easy, Clicky.
I hear you're taking credit for the twirl.
Oh, it's so many years ago.
Who cares? I care.
Clicky cares.
- Look, could I just buy an umbrella? - Yeah, sure.
- Two hundred dollars.
- What? Special price for a real foul-weather friend.
Hey, George.
All right, how about that tour, huh? These guys are ready to run the bases.
Kramer, it's It's raining.
They got the tarp on the field.
Listen, George, what else can I do with these guys? Bear in mind, they're a little light on the yen.
Well, l I got the pilot of the Jerry show.
That's perfect.
How would you guys like to watch the Super Terrific Happy star, Jerry Seinfeld? But we are also very hungry.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, you guys just watch the tape and I'll get you some food.
- Go ahead.
Yeah.
- Please.
Hey, peanuts! George.
George, got a minute? George, did you call some carpet cleaners? - Are they here? - They're in my office right now.
- They haven't said anything to you? - About what? What kind of a snobby, stuck-up cult is this? - Hey, Jerry.
- Oh, hi, Brett.
Havert you ever heard of an umbrella? I didn't have enough money.
- Sure things will pick up for you.
- No, it's not that.
It's Oh, no.
Look at the checks.
Hours of hard work ruined.
Don't worry.
I can spot you the 12 cents.
No.
It's not the money.
It's my hand.
It's crippled from writing and writing.
Nothing's working for you, is it? Not at the moment, Brett.
I'd give you a ride, but I got Karl Farbman here.
Thanks for stopping.
Brett said you ran away from him as if he were the boogity man? Boogeyman.
- Boogie? - I'm quite sure.
Anyway, any luck getting together on a song? No.
He blew out my "Witchy Woman.
" And he won't share "Desperado.
" Hey, what do you think of "Oye Como Va"? Well, I'm running out of guys here in this city, Jer.
Hey, great news.
I showed the pilot to Kramer's Japanese friends.
They loved it! Really? They bought the butler character? Did I tell you that story's relatable? That was a great show.
That is why I'm bringing it back to NBC.
- NBC? - Nakahama Broadcast Corporation.
But they told us we must go now.
Yeah, but now I have my own market research.
Actual Japanese viewers that loved the show.
- I'm gonna talk to Kramer.
- Hey, George, do me a favor.
If they make you an offer, whatever it is, just take it.
Hey, by the way what'd you think of Miss Yoshimura? - Who? - The network executive.
Do you think she liked me? Hey, look at who's here! George, come on in.
Come on.
- I want you to come in here.
- Come on in, fat boy! Get a good night's sleep, all right, fellas? Big day tomorrow.
All right.
Last one.
Here you are.
- Where's the boys? - No, I let them sleep in.
I'm on my way to cash in their plane tickets for them.
They need a little food money.
- The meeting starts in 10 minutes.
- Well, I set their alarm.
But they did have a lot of sake in that hot tub.
I'm calling Jerry.
- Yeah? - Jerry! The Japanese guys had sake in the hot tub.
You gotta get them down here or I don't have a focus group to sell the pilot.
Uncle Leo? Jerry! All right, all right.
I'll wake them up.
Testy.
Hello? - Mr.
Jerry, open the drawer, please.
- It's stuck.
The steam from the hot tub must have warped the wood.
- Pull harder.
- I'm trying.
I can't get a grip.
My hand's had kind of a bad week.
Very funny.
But no joking, please.
Don't worry, I'll get you out.
Brett, believe me, you don't have to do this.
Elaine, I know he'll appreciate this.
It's not as nice as Kramer's cabinets, but it's a start.
Well, I promise you, Jerry is not jealous of Kramer's cabinets.
Move to the back of the drawers! Jerry? Jerry.
Not the Farbman! So, gentlemen, we have a deal? Excuse me.
Did you hire the Sunshine Carpet Cleaners? Yes.
To clean up the coffee stain left by Jerry Seinfeld.
Mr Mr.
Wilhelm, what? What are you doing here? I'm here to clean the carpets.
Most of the world is carpeted, and one day, we will do the cleaning.
Him, you brainwashed? What's he got that I don't have? Mr.
Wilhelm, you've been abducted.
Mr.
Wilhelm, you gotta listen to me.
Wilhelm? My name is Tanya.
Brett, I'm I'm really sorry.
I didn't mean to hit you in the head with an axe.
At least it was just a handle.
Those beautiful cabinets.
What am I gonna tell? - I can't remember his name.
- Fleckman? Calm down, Brett.
Okay? You could have a concussion.
Calm down.
- His pulse is fine.
- Looks like a minor concussion.
Let me see what I can do to relieve the swelling.
Doctor? Doctor? Doctor? Doctor, I think we're losing him.