The Middle s08e07 Episode Script
Look Who's Not Talking
1 [Crow caws.]
Frankie: Out here in the middle, nothing gets us more excited than the grand opening of a new store.
Well, they did it.
They outcheaped the Frugal Hoosier.
Yesterday's Bounty? I'm telling you, Mike.
This is our new place.
They've got everything backed-over bread, preopened pasta.
- Hmm.
- Generic Chinese cereal.
Ooh! Look at this.
I got all this for 3 bucks.
It's misshapen fruit.
Looks like a tumor, but it's fruit.
Their word, not mine.
Brick: You're gonna love our pizza I'm surprised to see you in such a good mood.
What, 'cause of Axl not coming to Thanksgiving? Yeah, well, that and the not talking to us or answering our calls for days.
Yeah, I guess that.
Look, it sucks.
It definitely sucks.
But I've just decided I am gonna stay positive.
I mean, he can't ignore us forever.
Eventually, he's gonna need food and clean underwear.
He'll come home.
We'll make up.
Everything will be fine.
So, in the meantime, I say we just stay calm and enjoy a bowl of Tiananmen Squares.
[Chuckles.]
Oh! It's dishwashing detergent.
No.
Cereal.
Both: So, where are you going for Christmas break? You tell me first.
Okay, we'll tell together.
Ready? 1, 2, 3.
- Paris.
- Nowhere.
Oh! Give me your purse 'cause it's fabulous! Hey! No! [Groans.]
We don't know him! We don't know him! Yes, we do! Yes, we do! Lexie, stop! This is my friend, Brad.
This is Brad! Oh, Brad, Lexie.
Lexie, Brad.
How's it going? Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry! I've heard so much about you.
Same.
M-Minus the karate skills.
Brad, this is crazy.
What are you doing here? Well, ever since I downloaded Lin-Manuel Miranda as my new navigation voice, I've been dying to take a road trip, and who better to visit than you? Oh, I can't believe you're really here! [Gasps.]
Are you gonna stay the whole weekend? You have to.
I want to show you the whole campus.
Love to.
Maybe we could start with the ice machine.
Hey, would you grab me a napkin and help me fill out these insurance forms? Sure! By "grab you a napkin", you mean get myself a beer, and by "fill out insurance forms," you mean go watch TV.
Hey, you know, Axl's not gonna remember to fill out the forms we sent him, and since he's not talking to us, we have no way to remind him.
Brick: You're gonna love our pizza [Sighs.]
Eh, don't worry about it.
I think he's on that.
Well, how's that gonna play out? "Hey, Axl, you want to go out drinking?" "Uh, no, I'm just gonna stay home and fill out these insurance forms.
" He texted me.
What? What do you mean he texted you? Yeah, he was working on the forms the other day, and he asked if he was allergic to penicillin.
[Gasps.]
That cuts me like a knife.
He really texted you a medical question instead of me? That is a shot across the bow.
Okay.
Wow.
Message received.
On the plus side, at least he was filling out his own forms.
Wait, you said he texted you the other day.
Why am I just finding out now? Frankie, it's not that big a deal.
Then why wouldn't you tell me he texted you? Why would you keep it a secret? Why wouldn't you tell me he reached out to you and not me? - Huh? Why? - Uh, 'cause of this? I'm sorry.
I don't get why I'm the bad guy.
I mean, none of us like April.
We all said it.
Mm, right, but you said it to him.
[Sighs.]
Okay, yeah.
I said it.
But there's a whole list of things Axl said he doesn't like about me.
I'm not kidding.
He literally made me a list.
I'm sorry, but this is not okay! I mean, he's the one that didn't show up at Thanksgiving.
I should be mad at him, not him at me.
Okay, that's it.
You know what? I'm gonna write him an e-mail.
You really need to send an e-mail? You sure this isn't something frosting could solve? So here it is.
Wow.
It's nice.
Very bus-station chic.
I know it's crappy.
It's just temporary housing.
It's like a holding bin for students until they find their forever room.
Well, it's not the room, it's the people in the room.
Yeah, we don't really know anyone in the room.
You never know when someone's gonna get "the call," so we try not to get too attached.
It's kind of the rules of the Bin.
Mm.
Okay, tell me everything.
How is NYU? How's New York? NYU is awesome, and New York is amazing.
You can get a hot pretzel literally any time of the day.
No.
- Pick a time of the day, Sue.
- 2:00 a.
m.
- You can get a pretzel.
- Shut up! And New Yorkers don't say pop, they say soda.
And they don't say purse, they say pocketbook! So I can buy a soda with money from my pocketbook? - You'd fit right in.
- Ahh! Have you seen any celebrities? I'm pretty sure I saw Greg Kinnear at a Starbucks.
But I briefly blacked out.
When I came to, he was gone.
- Oh.
- Oh, shut up, Brad.
Here I am going on and on about myself and I haven't even asked how you're doing.
Actually, Brad, not so good.
I'm living in a bin and my family's falling apart.
What? Wait, "Judge Joe Brown" falling apart or "Dr.
Phil" falling apart? Axl's got this girlfriend nobody likes and it all blew up and he didn't come home for Thanksgiving and my mom is devastated, and I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be talking to Axl or not talking to Axl.
It's all just very stressful.
There is so much drama.
Sue, look at me.
I am looking at you.
I am here for you.
And I'm gonna help you forget all your troubles.
With everything you've been through, you deserve to have some fun.
They say New York is the city that never sleeps, but tonight, that's gonna be Gumford.
Really? Most stuff closes at 10:00, but the 24-hour mini-mart closes at 11:00.
[Gasps.]
Oh! - [Chuckles.]
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah! [ Static.]
Okay, I wrote Axl an e-mail.
Listen to this.
"How dare you?" Off to a great start.
"Yes, things may have been said and feelings may have been hurt, but to not show up for Thanksgiving without so much as a phone call? I am outraged! Yes, that's right, outraged! So you listen here, you little punk" Are you sure you're happy with the tone? Tone? What tone? "Listen, you little punk, I've got two other kids, so if you think" Yeah, I'm hearing it now.
I'm gonna tweak this.
So, over the next few days, I tried to find the right tone.
Axl, I am truly sorry for the things I said about April, and I just want you to know that I miss you every day.
I can't stop thinking about what a jerk you're being.
And to be perfectly honest, I'm not so sure I want to be around such a sweet, loving boy who lights up my life that I gave you, which you obviously don't appreciate.
I guess you just don't care about that.
But I can guarantee you this you're gonna be so sad when I'm dead.
" - [Electricity crackles.]
- [Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
Okay.
I think I nailed it.
"Dear Axl.
" Better.
"When emotions run high, things can sometimes get out of hand, so I just wanted to be clear and simple I am not the only one who hates your girlfriend.
Your father hates her, Sue hates her, Brick hates her, we all hate her.
" But you do! This is so hard.
- Shh! - That was so much fun.
I had no idea Gumford had such great karaoke bars.
Brad, that wasn't a karaoke bar.
You just started singing.
Hey, if you don't want it to be a karaoke bar, don't play Katy Perry.
[Both laugh.]
Hey! Lights out.
There's no talking in the Bin after midnight.
Agh! And no personal effects or decorations, either.
We're not scraping tape off the bunks for a bunch of bin people.
[Sighs.]
No, no, no.
No more.
You are not gonna live like this.
Telling Sue Heck not to decorate her room is like telling Michael Phelps not to get wet.
Sue, give me that picture.
Are you gonna put it back up? Oh, we're gonna do more than that.
Give me a glue stick.
Regular or glitter? What do you think? Glitter.
Okay, cool.
Oh, my God.
What happened? Oh, nothing.
Sue and I just decided to give the room a little zhuzh.
Brad's right.
We may only be here temporarily, but we are still here! And there is no reason why we shouldn't get to know each other.
My name is Sue.
And I know you must have a name.
You are not just "Guy Who Farts in His sleep.
" I'm Scott.
Everybody, "Guy Who Farts in His Sleep" is Scott.
Hey! Scott! And you are not "Owns Too Many Turtlenecks.
" You are Marcy.
And you are not "Scary Quiet Guy.
" You are Okay, we'll come back to you.
Yeah! And stop calling us bin people! "Indian Harry Styles" is right! We may be bin people, but we are people people first! Give it up for "Retainer Drooler!" She speaks the truth! [Cheering.]
[Robin Lewis Miller and Rouvaun Gus Roman's "Let's Have Fun Tonight" plays.]
Now let's have a little bit of fun now Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I make one check out of two now - And it's a little bit - [Music stops.]
You know the Bin rules.
What the hell is going on in here? I'll tell you what's going on here, Dan.
We are students enjoying student activities at our university which our parents pay for! - Yeah! Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! We have rights.
We may be temporarily housed in temporary housing, but we are not temporary people! So I suggest you climb onboard to the new Bin rules, Dan! Or the only thing not allowed in the Bin is you! Whatever.
I'm doing a semester abroad next year, anyway.
[Cheering.]
[Music resumes.]
- But everybody's talkin' about the breakdown - [Laughs.]
Oh, thank you so much, Brad.
This weekend has just been the best ever, and you are amazing.
Oh, I can't believe you have to leave.
You never should have come here because now I know how much I miss you.
You know, I only have one class tomorrow.
I guess maybe I could stay one more day? - Just smile if you're having fun tonight - [Squeals.]
Move your body nonstop, take a breath And fill your glass up and raise your hands up Heh.
Check it out.
Potato snowman.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, look! This one has legs.
[Gasps.]
And it's anatomically correct.
Put some shorts on that thing! [Gasps.]
Oh, you know who would love this? Axl! I've been looking for the perfect way to break the ice, and this is it.
I'm gonna text him a picture of it.
He's gonna think it's hilarious.
He won't be able to help himself.
He'll text me back with some funny comment.
I'll reply with something witty.
We'll both "LOL" and smiley face each other, and before you know it, everything will be back to normal.
[Sighs.]
You know, I was kind of mad at you when you couldn't help me write the e-mail, but now I'm glad you're completely useless.
Glad to not be of service.
- [Door opens.]
- Brick: You're gonna love our pizza Hey, Mom.
Do we have a hole punch? Brick, you've been singing that commercial for days.
Oh, crap.
Is this some kind of new tick? You're gonna love our pizza Is what a new tick? So, who can tell me what FDR said in response to the problems of The Great Depression? You're gonna love our pizza [Laughter.]
Think you're pretty funny, do you, Heck? You're gonna love our pizza No, I didn't get to finish.
You know what else you're gonna love? You're gonna love our principal's office.
You didn't say you were picking up a pizza.
To be honest, I don't even know why I got it.
[Sighs.]
He still hasn't responded to the dirty carrot, huh? No, and it's comedy gold.
I mean, if carrot genitalia won't fix this, Mike, I don't know what will.
Felt like a winner to me.
[Sighs.]
God, Mike.
My son's not talking to me.
I mean, really not talking to me.
I can't pretend like this is some little thing anymore.
You know, you hear about these families that are estranged, and you can't imagine that happening to you, but it is.
I mean, is this it? Do I not have a son anymore? [Sighs.]
[Knock on door.]
Hey.
Got a minute? Uh sure.
Yeah.
Huh.
Still got the hole in the roof, huh? Yeah.
It was nice in the summer.
Winter, not so much.
So, listen.
I know things got pretty crazy before Thanksgiving, but it's water under the bridge, right? You know your mom.
She is how she is.
Sometimes she says things in the heat of the moment, but anyway, she's pretty upset about the whole thing and I don't know if you got it or not, but she sent you a picture of a carrot.
Yeah, I got it.
It's hilarious.
- Great.
- If you could take a minute, shoot her back a text about the carrot, it'd be Nope.
What do you mean no? I mean I'm not talking to her.
She went too far this time.
You can say anything you want about me, but you start taking shots at my lady, we got a problem.
You know what I'm saying? No one talks crap about my lady! I hear you, but your mom is my lady, and I need you to cut her some slack.
She's sorry about what she said, and she extended the dirty carrot as a peace offering.
The least you can do is accept it.
Why should I? Because to not make an inappropriate comment about the dirty carrot will be disrespectful to your mother.
Oh, if you're gonna give lessons on disrespect, maybe you should talk to your wife first.
She insulted the girl that I love, the girl that changed my life! - Okay, take it down a notch.
- No, you take it down a notch! There are two Axls now one before April and one after April.
- Is there a third one I can talk to? - You just don't get it.
Just 'cause you and Mom are dead behind the eyes doesn't mean I am.
The other night, April and I talked until the sun rose.
No, I get it.
Your girlfriend's great.
But you know what? So is your mom.
So text her about the carrot.
I'm not asking you, I'm telling you.
Yeah, and I'm not 5 anymore.
I'm not gonna do it just 'cause you tell me to.
Text your mom about the dirty carrot.
Do you know what April would say if she found out Mom had the audacity to say she wasn't smart? First you'd have to tell her what "audacity" meant.
What is that supposed to mean? It means your mom is right! Your girlfriend's as dumb as a bag of hammers! And we all think so! I'm out.
He's not talking to me anymore.
And I took Sue and Brick down with me.
He's not talking to me anymore.
Canadian Tire's all about fun.
Hey.
I hear one of my favorite students is having some trouble in the disciplinary department.
Hey, Dr.
Fulton.
Hey, Brick.
Hey, let's talk.
So, why did Mrs.
Roberts send you down here? You're gonna love our pizza Well, I said, "You're gonna love our pizza", and she got mad.
- But when I - I'm gonna stop you right there for just a second.
Did you hear yourself when you say, "You're gonna love our pizza"? You're gonna love our pizza Did I just do it? Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, Brick, you're new to high school, and a lot of the teachers might not be hip yet to your you know, your quirks and your eccentricities.
You know, and that's no problemo.
You know, I-I'm happy to give them the 411.
But it's just You know, but in the meantime, how how are things going in your world? You're gonna love our pizza - Uh-huh.
- Mm, fine.
Things are going well with Cindy.
Sue and Axl are back at college.
Mom complains about work.
She and Axl aren't speaking to each other.
Oh, and I recently found "To Kill a Mockingbird" in a hardcover.
I'm gonna back you up just a little, sport.
Uh, that thing you just said about your mom and and your brother that sounds like kind of a big thing.
No, not really.
Sometimes I hear her crying through the walls.
You know, I think what's happening is that this situation at home is manifesting itself in this repetitive phrase.
You're gonna love our pizza What repetitive phrase? [Sighs.]
You know, Brick, all stress has certain trigger points.
For me, it was finding out that Shelly was having a baby with her butt-faced, ponytail husband.
But the good news is, we we all find ways to cope and move on.
For example, I'm I'm seeing this great new gal.
Her name is Barbara, but I call her Shelly.
She's 68 years old, but she's very youthful.
Anywho, I think you need to find a way to relieve some stress, you know, blow off some steam, you know, have some fun.
Hmm.
That's why I always say yes to mall-walking with Barbara-Shelly.
She sets quite a brisk pace.
[Both chuckle.]
You know, she's younger than Mick Jagger.
Who? The amazing thing about best friends is that they just seem to know when you need them.
They show up at the perfect time, and then, just like that, they're gone.
[Gasps.]
Brad.
What are you doing here? I was just being wistful about you.
This just in I decided to stay one more day.
Really? Are you sure? I mean I mean, it's great that you can stay, but you've already been here three days.
Don't you need to go to class? Nothing's more important than my bestie.
Plus tonight, I was thinking we could have fondue party.
But I don't even own a fondue pot.
That's okay.
I've got one in my car.
Wait, Brad.
You were only gonna be here for the weekend.
Why do you have a fondue pot in your car? Uh, I think a better question is, "Why wouldn't I have a fondue pot in my car?" And an even better question is, "Why am I such a failure?" Sue, I dropped out of NYU! This whole weekend's been a big lie! Except for the part about me always traveling with a fondue pot.
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait, what? You dropped out? Yes, everything I own is in my car, and I haven't even told my parents yet.
What? I don't get it.
NYU was your dream school.
More like nightmare.
Everyone there is so dark and intense.
I just had such a different upbringing, a whole different training.
"I coulda had class.
I coulda been a contender.
I coulda been somebody!" Bigger? "I coulda been a contender! I coulda been somebody!" Bigger! "I coulda been a contender! I coulda been somebody!" I could say bigger, but I don't know if I could handle it! [Applause.]
I've always been the star.
I got Snoopy as a freshman when we did "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown.
" At Dollywood, I quickly went from Cowboy #3 - to Cowboy #2.
- Yeah! I mean, my ascent has been meteoric.
But it was different at NYU.
"I coulda been a contender.
I coulda been somebody!" Smaller.
"I coulda been a contender.
I coulda been somebody.
" Smaller.
"I coulda been a contender.
I coulda been somebody.
" I just don't fit in at all.
Brad.
You don't always love school right away.
But you got to hang in there! I actually have a ton of posters that speak to exactly what you're talking to, but they're all in storage.
The point is, the same thing happened to me when I first got to Gumford.
But I don't like New York.
Everything costs a zillion dollars.
People are rude and pushy.
I saw a guy once poop on the street.
He didn't even try and hide it.
He just looked at me like it was normal.
I'm telling you, Sue, New York is nothing like "On The Town.
" I mean, the Bronx is up and the Battery's down, but that's it.
[Sighs.]
Wow.
So what are you gonna do? I don't know.
I guess I'll just listen to my dad and become a cop or a construction worker.
I've already got the outfits.
Brad! Don't talk like that.
You are one of the most amazing and talented people I know.
And, yes, you may not be deep or dark, but the world already has enough darkness.
So maybe you're not cut out for the really heavy roles, but nobody will ever play a better Snoopy than you.
Nobody wants to see Sir Ian McKellen play Snoopy.
You are Snoopy! And the world needs Snoopy more than ever.
Brad, look at me.
I am looking at you.
It's not you that wasn't ready for New York.
It's New York that wasn't ready for you.
You really think so? Oh, I know so.
And you want to know what else I know? East Indy has a pretty amazing theater department.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
And ever since a friend of mine came to visit, temporary housing is super fun.
[Chuckles.]
Well [Sighs.]
got our statement from the insurance company.
The premium's higher than ever, so apparently Life Mutual still thinks Axl is part of our family.
Really? Did Life Mutual say he filled out the forms okay? Did Life Mutual mention how he's doing or if he misses us? I did not ask Life Mutual any of those questions.
[Sighs.]
Hey.
It's okay.
You're a great mom.
He's gonna come home.
He has to.
His nunchucks are here.
You think? 'Cause the waiting sucks.
I miss him.
Oh.
[Spits.]
It actually tastes worse than it looks.
You're gonna love our pizza Yeah, well, beside the pizza, you still love me, right, Brick? Well, I thought so, but Dr.
Fulton said I'm being torn apart by our family situation.
Awesome.
He told me if I want to relieve my stress, I'm supposed to have more fun.
[Sniffs.]
You're at the wrong house for that.
Now, hold on.
He might have a point.
Sometimes life gives you lemons Mike: 1, 2, 3.
and sometimes it gives you freaky-looking lemons.
It's what you do with them that makes a difference.
[Laughter.]
- Oh! - Ooh! Right up the middle! [Laughter.]
Yay! Oh! Oh! Whoo-hoo! Oh! Whoo! [Laughs.]
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! And that day, we smashed the crap out of it.
And we had fun.
Whoo!
Frankie: Out here in the middle, nothing gets us more excited than the grand opening of a new store.
Well, they did it.
They outcheaped the Frugal Hoosier.
Yesterday's Bounty? I'm telling you, Mike.
This is our new place.
They've got everything backed-over bread, preopened pasta.
- Hmm.
- Generic Chinese cereal.
Ooh! Look at this.
I got all this for 3 bucks.
It's misshapen fruit.
Looks like a tumor, but it's fruit.
Their word, not mine.
Brick: You're gonna love our pizza I'm surprised to see you in such a good mood.
What, 'cause of Axl not coming to Thanksgiving? Yeah, well, that and the not talking to us or answering our calls for days.
Yeah, I guess that.
Look, it sucks.
It definitely sucks.
But I've just decided I am gonna stay positive.
I mean, he can't ignore us forever.
Eventually, he's gonna need food and clean underwear.
He'll come home.
We'll make up.
Everything will be fine.
So, in the meantime, I say we just stay calm and enjoy a bowl of Tiananmen Squares.
[Chuckles.]
Oh! It's dishwashing detergent.
No.
Cereal.
Both: So, where are you going for Christmas break? You tell me first.
Okay, we'll tell together.
Ready? 1, 2, 3.
- Paris.
- Nowhere.
Oh! Give me your purse 'cause it's fabulous! Hey! No! [Groans.]
We don't know him! We don't know him! Yes, we do! Yes, we do! Lexie, stop! This is my friend, Brad.
This is Brad! Oh, Brad, Lexie.
Lexie, Brad.
How's it going? Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry! I've heard so much about you.
Same.
M-Minus the karate skills.
Brad, this is crazy.
What are you doing here? Well, ever since I downloaded Lin-Manuel Miranda as my new navigation voice, I've been dying to take a road trip, and who better to visit than you? Oh, I can't believe you're really here! [Gasps.]
Are you gonna stay the whole weekend? You have to.
I want to show you the whole campus.
Love to.
Maybe we could start with the ice machine.
Hey, would you grab me a napkin and help me fill out these insurance forms? Sure! By "grab you a napkin", you mean get myself a beer, and by "fill out insurance forms," you mean go watch TV.
Hey, you know, Axl's not gonna remember to fill out the forms we sent him, and since he's not talking to us, we have no way to remind him.
Brick: You're gonna love our pizza [Sighs.]
Eh, don't worry about it.
I think he's on that.
Well, how's that gonna play out? "Hey, Axl, you want to go out drinking?" "Uh, no, I'm just gonna stay home and fill out these insurance forms.
" He texted me.
What? What do you mean he texted you? Yeah, he was working on the forms the other day, and he asked if he was allergic to penicillin.
[Gasps.]
That cuts me like a knife.
He really texted you a medical question instead of me? That is a shot across the bow.
Okay.
Wow.
Message received.
On the plus side, at least he was filling out his own forms.
Wait, you said he texted you the other day.
Why am I just finding out now? Frankie, it's not that big a deal.
Then why wouldn't you tell me he texted you? Why would you keep it a secret? Why wouldn't you tell me he reached out to you and not me? - Huh? Why? - Uh, 'cause of this? I'm sorry.
I don't get why I'm the bad guy.
I mean, none of us like April.
We all said it.
Mm, right, but you said it to him.
[Sighs.]
Okay, yeah.
I said it.
But there's a whole list of things Axl said he doesn't like about me.
I'm not kidding.
He literally made me a list.
I'm sorry, but this is not okay! I mean, he's the one that didn't show up at Thanksgiving.
I should be mad at him, not him at me.
Okay, that's it.
You know what? I'm gonna write him an e-mail.
You really need to send an e-mail? You sure this isn't something frosting could solve? So here it is.
Wow.
It's nice.
Very bus-station chic.
I know it's crappy.
It's just temporary housing.
It's like a holding bin for students until they find their forever room.
Well, it's not the room, it's the people in the room.
Yeah, we don't really know anyone in the room.
You never know when someone's gonna get "the call," so we try not to get too attached.
It's kind of the rules of the Bin.
Mm.
Okay, tell me everything.
How is NYU? How's New York? NYU is awesome, and New York is amazing.
You can get a hot pretzel literally any time of the day.
No.
- Pick a time of the day, Sue.
- 2:00 a.
m.
- You can get a pretzel.
- Shut up! And New Yorkers don't say pop, they say soda.
And they don't say purse, they say pocketbook! So I can buy a soda with money from my pocketbook? - You'd fit right in.
- Ahh! Have you seen any celebrities? I'm pretty sure I saw Greg Kinnear at a Starbucks.
But I briefly blacked out.
When I came to, he was gone.
- Oh.
- Oh, shut up, Brad.
Here I am going on and on about myself and I haven't even asked how you're doing.
Actually, Brad, not so good.
I'm living in a bin and my family's falling apart.
What? Wait, "Judge Joe Brown" falling apart or "Dr.
Phil" falling apart? Axl's got this girlfriend nobody likes and it all blew up and he didn't come home for Thanksgiving and my mom is devastated, and I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be talking to Axl or not talking to Axl.
It's all just very stressful.
There is so much drama.
Sue, look at me.
I am looking at you.
I am here for you.
And I'm gonna help you forget all your troubles.
With everything you've been through, you deserve to have some fun.
They say New York is the city that never sleeps, but tonight, that's gonna be Gumford.
Really? Most stuff closes at 10:00, but the 24-hour mini-mart closes at 11:00.
[Gasps.]
Oh! - [Chuckles.]
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah! [ Static.]
Okay, I wrote Axl an e-mail.
Listen to this.
"How dare you?" Off to a great start.
"Yes, things may have been said and feelings may have been hurt, but to not show up for Thanksgiving without so much as a phone call? I am outraged! Yes, that's right, outraged! So you listen here, you little punk" Are you sure you're happy with the tone? Tone? What tone? "Listen, you little punk, I've got two other kids, so if you think" Yeah, I'm hearing it now.
I'm gonna tweak this.
So, over the next few days, I tried to find the right tone.
Axl, I am truly sorry for the things I said about April, and I just want you to know that I miss you every day.
I can't stop thinking about what a jerk you're being.
And to be perfectly honest, I'm not so sure I want to be around such a sweet, loving boy who lights up my life that I gave you, which you obviously don't appreciate.
I guess you just don't care about that.
But I can guarantee you this you're gonna be so sad when I'm dead.
" - [Electricity crackles.]
- [Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
Okay.
I think I nailed it.
"Dear Axl.
" Better.
"When emotions run high, things can sometimes get out of hand, so I just wanted to be clear and simple I am not the only one who hates your girlfriend.
Your father hates her, Sue hates her, Brick hates her, we all hate her.
" But you do! This is so hard.
- Shh! - That was so much fun.
I had no idea Gumford had such great karaoke bars.
Brad, that wasn't a karaoke bar.
You just started singing.
Hey, if you don't want it to be a karaoke bar, don't play Katy Perry.
[Both laugh.]
Hey! Lights out.
There's no talking in the Bin after midnight.
Agh! And no personal effects or decorations, either.
We're not scraping tape off the bunks for a bunch of bin people.
[Sighs.]
No, no, no.
No more.
You are not gonna live like this.
Telling Sue Heck not to decorate her room is like telling Michael Phelps not to get wet.
Sue, give me that picture.
Are you gonna put it back up? Oh, we're gonna do more than that.
Give me a glue stick.
Regular or glitter? What do you think? Glitter.
Okay, cool.
Oh, my God.
What happened? Oh, nothing.
Sue and I just decided to give the room a little zhuzh.
Brad's right.
We may only be here temporarily, but we are still here! And there is no reason why we shouldn't get to know each other.
My name is Sue.
And I know you must have a name.
You are not just "Guy Who Farts in His sleep.
" I'm Scott.
Everybody, "Guy Who Farts in His Sleep" is Scott.
Hey! Scott! And you are not "Owns Too Many Turtlenecks.
" You are Marcy.
And you are not "Scary Quiet Guy.
" You are Okay, we'll come back to you.
Yeah! And stop calling us bin people! "Indian Harry Styles" is right! We may be bin people, but we are people people first! Give it up for "Retainer Drooler!" She speaks the truth! [Cheering.]
[Robin Lewis Miller and Rouvaun Gus Roman's "Let's Have Fun Tonight" plays.]
Now let's have a little bit of fun now Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I make one check out of two now - And it's a little bit - [Music stops.]
You know the Bin rules.
What the hell is going on in here? I'll tell you what's going on here, Dan.
We are students enjoying student activities at our university which our parents pay for! - Yeah! Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! We have rights.
We may be temporarily housed in temporary housing, but we are not temporary people! So I suggest you climb onboard to the new Bin rules, Dan! Or the only thing not allowed in the Bin is you! Whatever.
I'm doing a semester abroad next year, anyway.
[Cheering.]
[Music resumes.]
- But everybody's talkin' about the breakdown - [Laughs.]
Oh, thank you so much, Brad.
This weekend has just been the best ever, and you are amazing.
Oh, I can't believe you have to leave.
You never should have come here because now I know how much I miss you.
You know, I only have one class tomorrow.
I guess maybe I could stay one more day? - Just smile if you're having fun tonight - [Squeals.]
Move your body nonstop, take a breath And fill your glass up and raise your hands up Heh.
Check it out.
Potato snowman.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, look! This one has legs.
[Gasps.]
And it's anatomically correct.
Put some shorts on that thing! [Gasps.]
Oh, you know who would love this? Axl! I've been looking for the perfect way to break the ice, and this is it.
I'm gonna text him a picture of it.
He's gonna think it's hilarious.
He won't be able to help himself.
He'll text me back with some funny comment.
I'll reply with something witty.
We'll both "LOL" and smiley face each other, and before you know it, everything will be back to normal.
[Sighs.]
You know, I was kind of mad at you when you couldn't help me write the e-mail, but now I'm glad you're completely useless.
Glad to not be of service.
- [Door opens.]
- Brick: You're gonna love our pizza Hey, Mom.
Do we have a hole punch? Brick, you've been singing that commercial for days.
Oh, crap.
Is this some kind of new tick? You're gonna love our pizza Is what a new tick? So, who can tell me what FDR said in response to the problems of The Great Depression? You're gonna love our pizza [Laughter.]
Think you're pretty funny, do you, Heck? You're gonna love our pizza No, I didn't get to finish.
You know what else you're gonna love? You're gonna love our principal's office.
You didn't say you were picking up a pizza.
To be honest, I don't even know why I got it.
[Sighs.]
He still hasn't responded to the dirty carrot, huh? No, and it's comedy gold.
I mean, if carrot genitalia won't fix this, Mike, I don't know what will.
Felt like a winner to me.
[Sighs.]
God, Mike.
My son's not talking to me.
I mean, really not talking to me.
I can't pretend like this is some little thing anymore.
You know, you hear about these families that are estranged, and you can't imagine that happening to you, but it is.
I mean, is this it? Do I not have a son anymore? [Sighs.]
[Knock on door.]
Hey.
Got a minute? Uh sure.
Yeah.
Huh.
Still got the hole in the roof, huh? Yeah.
It was nice in the summer.
Winter, not so much.
So, listen.
I know things got pretty crazy before Thanksgiving, but it's water under the bridge, right? You know your mom.
She is how she is.
Sometimes she says things in the heat of the moment, but anyway, she's pretty upset about the whole thing and I don't know if you got it or not, but she sent you a picture of a carrot.
Yeah, I got it.
It's hilarious.
- Great.
- If you could take a minute, shoot her back a text about the carrot, it'd be Nope.
What do you mean no? I mean I'm not talking to her.
She went too far this time.
You can say anything you want about me, but you start taking shots at my lady, we got a problem.
You know what I'm saying? No one talks crap about my lady! I hear you, but your mom is my lady, and I need you to cut her some slack.
She's sorry about what she said, and she extended the dirty carrot as a peace offering.
The least you can do is accept it.
Why should I? Because to not make an inappropriate comment about the dirty carrot will be disrespectful to your mother.
Oh, if you're gonna give lessons on disrespect, maybe you should talk to your wife first.
She insulted the girl that I love, the girl that changed my life! - Okay, take it down a notch.
- No, you take it down a notch! There are two Axls now one before April and one after April.
- Is there a third one I can talk to? - You just don't get it.
Just 'cause you and Mom are dead behind the eyes doesn't mean I am.
The other night, April and I talked until the sun rose.
No, I get it.
Your girlfriend's great.
But you know what? So is your mom.
So text her about the carrot.
I'm not asking you, I'm telling you.
Yeah, and I'm not 5 anymore.
I'm not gonna do it just 'cause you tell me to.
Text your mom about the dirty carrot.
Do you know what April would say if she found out Mom had the audacity to say she wasn't smart? First you'd have to tell her what "audacity" meant.
What is that supposed to mean? It means your mom is right! Your girlfriend's as dumb as a bag of hammers! And we all think so! I'm out.
He's not talking to me anymore.
And I took Sue and Brick down with me.
He's not talking to me anymore.
Canadian Tire's all about fun.
Hey.
I hear one of my favorite students is having some trouble in the disciplinary department.
Hey, Dr.
Fulton.
Hey, Brick.
Hey, let's talk.
So, why did Mrs.
Roberts send you down here? You're gonna love our pizza Well, I said, "You're gonna love our pizza", and she got mad.
- But when I - I'm gonna stop you right there for just a second.
Did you hear yourself when you say, "You're gonna love our pizza"? You're gonna love our pizza Did I just do it? Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, Brick, you're new to high school, and a lot of the teachers might not be hip yet to your you know, your quirks and your eccentricities.
You know, and that's no problemo.
You know, I-I'm happy to give them the 411.
But it's just You know, but in the meantime, how how are things going in your world? You're gonna love our pizza - Uh-huh.
- Mm, fine.
Things are going well with Cindy.
Sue and Axl are back at college.
Mom complains about work.
She and Axl aren't speaking to each other.
Oh, and I recently found "To Kill a Mockingbird" in a hardcover.
I'm gonna back you up just a little, sport.
Uh, that thing you just said about your mom and and your brother that sounds like kind of a big thing.
No, not really.
Sometimes I hear her crying through the walls.
You know, I think what's happening is that this situation at home is manifesting itself in this repetitive phrase.
You're gonna love our pizza What repetitive phrase? [Sighs.]
You know, Brick, all stress has certain trigger points.
For me, it was finding out that Shelly was having a baby with her butt-faced, ponytail husband.
But the good news is, we we all find ways to cope and move on.
For example, I'm I'm seeing this great new gal.
Her name is Barbara, but I call her Shelly.
She's 68 years old, but she's very youthful.
Anywho, I think you need to find a way to relieve some stress, you know, blow off some steam, you know, have some fun.
Hmm.
That's why I always say yes to mall-walking with Barbara-Shelly.
She sets quite a brisk pace.
[Both chuckle.]
You know, she's younger than Mick Jagger.
Who? The amazing thing about best friends is that they just seem to know when you need them.
They show up at the perfect time, and then, just like that, they're gone.
[Gasps.]
Brad.
What are you doing here? I was just being wistful about you.
This just in I decided to stay one more day.
Really? Are you sure? I mean I mean, it's great that you can stay, but you've already been here three days.
Don't you need to go to class? Nothing's more important than my bestie.
Plus tonight, I was thinking we could have fondue party.
But I don't even own a fondue pot.
That's okay.
I've got one in my car.
Wait, Brad.
You were only gonna be here for the weekend.
Why do you have a fondue pot in your car? Uh, I think a better question is, "Why wouldn't I have a fondue pot in my car?" And an even better question is, "Why am I such a failure?" Sue, I dropped out of NYU! This whole weekend's been a big lie! Except for the part about me always traveling with a fondue pot.
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait, what? You dropped out? Yes, everything I own is in my car, and I haven't even told my parents yet.
What? I don't get it.
NYU was your dream school.
More like nightmare.
Everyone there is so dark and intense.
I just had such a different upbringing, a whole different training.
"I coulda had class.
I coulda been a contender.
I coulda been somebody!" Bigger? "I coulda been a contender! I coulda been somebody!" Bigger! "I coulda been a contender! I coulda been somebody!" I could say bigger, but I don't know if I could handle it! [Applause.]
I've always been the star.
I got Snoopy as a freshman when we did "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown.
" At Dollywood, I quickly went from Cowboy #3 - to Cowboy #2.
- Yeah! I mean, my ascent has been meteoric.
But it was different at NYU.
"I coulda been a contender.
I coulda been somebody!" Smaller.
"I coulda been a contender.
I coulda been somebody.
" Smaller.
"I coulda been a contender.
I coulda been somebody.
" I just don't fit in at all.
Brad.
You don't always love school right away.
But you got to hang in there! I actually have a ton of posters that speak to exactly what you're talking to, but they're all in storage.
The point is, the same thing happened to me when I first got to Gumford.
But I don't like New York.
Everything costs a zillion dollars.
People are rude and pushy.
I saw a guy once poop on the street.
He didn't even try and hide it.
He just looked at me like it was normal.
I'm telling you, Sue, New York is nothing like "On The Town.
" I mean, the Bronx is up and the Battery's down, but that's it.
[Sighs.]
Wow.
So what are you gonna do? I don't know.
I guess I'll just listen to my dad and become a cop or a construction worker.
I've already got the outfits.
Brad! Don't talk like that.
You are one of the most amazing and talented people I know.
And, yes, you may not be deep or dark, but the world already has enough darkness.
So maybe you're not cut out for the really heavy roles, but nobody will ever play a better Snoopy than you.
Nobody wants to see Sir Ian McKellen play Snoopy.
You are Snoopy! And the world needs Snoopy more than ever.
Brad, look at me.
I am looking at you.
It's not you that wasn't ready for New York.
It's New York that wasn't ready for you.
You really think so? Oh, I know so.
And you want to know what else I know? East Indy has a pretty amazing theater department.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
And ever since a friend of mine came to visit, temporary housing is super fun.
[Chuckles.]
Well [Sighs.]
got our statement from the insurance company.
The premium's higher than ever, so apparently Life Mutual still thinks Axl is part of our family.
Really? Did Life Mutual say he filled out the forms okay? Did Life Mutual mention how he's doing or if he misses us? I did not ask Life Mutual any of those questions.
[Sighs.]
Hey.
It's okay.
You're a great mom.
He's gonna come home.
He has to.
His nunchucks are here.
You think? 'Cause the waiting sucks.
I miss him.
Oh.
[Spits.]
It actually tastes worse than it looks.
You're gonna love our pizza Yeah, well, beside the pizza, you still love me, right, Brick? Well, I thought so, but Dr.
Fulton said I'm being torn apart by our family situation.
Awesome.
He told me if I want to relieve my stress, I'm supposed to have more fun.
[Sniffs.]
You're at the wrong house for that.
Now, hold on.
He might have a point.
Sometimes life gives you lemons Mike: 1, 2, 3.
and sometimes it gives you freaky-looking lemons.
It's what you do with them that makes a difference.
[Laughter.]
- Oh! - Ooh! Right up the middle! [Laughter.]
Yay! Oh! Oh! Whoo-hoo! Oh! Whoo! [Laughs.]
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! And that day, we smashed the crap out of it.
And we had fun.
Whoo!