Frasier s08e08 Episode Script

We've got a minute before we go to the news.
I understand we have Tom from Fremont on line one.
Go ahead, Tom.
TOM [OVER PHONE.]
: I don't want to be squeezed into a minute.
I will go on after the news.
Well, why don't you tell me your problem now and then I can give you my reply when we come back? No, I'll wait.
Very well.
- Roz, who else do we have? - We have Brian on a car phone.
Ah.
Go ahead, Brian, I'm listening.
BRIAN: For what, 30 seconds? I'll wait too.
All right, then.
I guess I'll just use the time myself.
"Giddap, giddap, let's go to the Seattle Christmas parade this Saturday, broadcast live on Channel 6 TV and hosted by Kelly Kirkland of Channel 6's Kelly and Cal Show.
" You know, I must say, that Kelly Kirkland is a real treasure.
She's sincere and charming and, well, just about as likeable as sunshine.
We'll be right back.
- Are you okay? - Huh? Well, of course.
Why? I was afraid with all that sucking up, you might have burst a lung.
That is very funny, Roz.
You see, Kelly's looking for a new co-host for the parade this year.
I was hoping it might be me.
I've watched that parade since I was a child and this is my chance to become a part of it.
- She did that with her husband.
- I guess you haven't heard.
See, she's discovered that Cal's been having an affair with her cue-card girl.
How'd she catch him? She find a giant love letter in his pocket? [CHUCKLING.]
Hey, Frasier, guess who.
Mary Thomas, well Hello, Mary.
Roz, you remember Mary.
She and I briefly co-hosted my show last year.
Of course I remember.
I listen to your show on KAZW all the time.
Well, thank you so much.
And just for that, here's a copy of my new book.
- And, Frasier, here's one for you too.
- Oh, well "Cornbread for the Soul by Dr.
Mary.
" I see you're still identifying yourself as a doctor.
But now it's true.
You read the inside cover.
"Dr.
Mary has healed thousands of Seattle radio listeners and is a summa cum laude graduate of the school of hard knocks.
" Yes.
Well, Mary, I hate to quibble about things like accreditation and such Whoa, it's like the American Medical Association in here.
So isn't this great? Dr.
Mary's coming back to KACL.
- Oh, hey, congratulations.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Yes, congratulations indeed.
I must have missed that memo.
She was doing so great in the ratings we had to steal her back.
I thought doctors took an oath not to hurt anybody.
You were killing us.
Aren't you sweet? You give me some sugar.
I hope you're all right.
Last time you weren't thrilled about working together.
This time we'll have separate shows.
Not like we're gonna be sharing a mike.
- We won't be sharing a mike, will we? - Of course not.
We're giving Mary the morning-drive shift.
Oh.
Well The shift with the biggest audience and the best demographics.
But don't you worry, I'll be promoting your show every single day.
Is this woman not generous? - Give me some sugar.
- No, baby, you already got yours.
But here's a book for you.
And Merry Christmas to all.
KENNY: Merry Christmas.
What the hell's wrong with you? - Hey.
- Oh.
Niles.
I hope you had the presence of mind to bring presents of mine.
I haven't heard that line since last year.
But then, Christmas is the season for chestnuts.
What's all the food for? Well, Kelly Kirkland's coming over.
I'm trying to make a good impression.
You see, I'm doing my best to charm my way into that parade job.
What is it with you and this parade? Oh, Niles, don't you remember when we were kids? We'd sit on the couch, we'd cradle our cocoas and stay up late to watch our holiday hosts: Bob Vernon and Sergeant Michelle - The traffic lady.
- The traffic lady.
Oh, I haven't thought about them in years.
You know, to me, that was always the official beginning of Christmas.
And now this is my chance to usher in the season for a whole new generation.
- I loved Sergeant Michelle.
- Yeah.
Every time I cross against the light, I feel I'm letting her down.
[FRASIER CHUCKLING.]
- All right, what is that fetid smell? - Oh, oh, that's the food.
I'm preparing dishes that have been featured on Kelly's show.
[BELL DINGS.]
Oh, Lord, that will be my Hobo Casserole.
Hobo.
That's the smell.
- Hey, Niles.
- Hello, Daphne.
So where are we going for dinner tonight? Oh.
Well, it's your pick.
Although, word on the street has it that Chez du Mont has the most delectable Hudson Valley foie gras.
Niles, you're spoiling me.
All this food's gonna start catching up with my figure.
No, not you, my little hummingbird.
Never.
You're as sweet as a chocolate soufflé.
Let's get some of those tonight.
Well, that's it.
I knew I should have stockpiled Ballantines as soon as they stopped making it.
Now I can't find a single can.
Christmas is ruined.
Christmas is about more than beer, Mr.
Crane.
Yeah.
And this year's extra special because Daphne and I are together.
Well, that's true.
No more Mel, no Maris, no Lilith.
Maybe I won't need beer this Christmas.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- That's Kelly.
Showtime.
NILES: Oh.
FRASIER: Ah, Kelly.
- Hi, Frasier.
Gosh, you know, I haven't seen you since the Broadcasters Against Litter march.
- I think we really made a difference.
- Indeed we did.
Now, please, come on in.
I'd like you to meet my brother, Niles, - and his girlfriend, Daphne.
- Hello.
Hello.
Do I smell Hobo Casserole? Yes.
Close your eyes, it's like you're under a railroad bridge.
Yes, off you go.
So you know about Hobo Casserole.
Well, I make it on my show.
You know, I get so many of my recipes from your show that I've forgotten which are mine and which are yours.
Ah! Now, don't tell me that's potato-chip salad.
Uh-oh.
This is embarrassing.
- So you really are a fan of the show.
- Guilty.
I especially admire your work on the Christmas parade.
- You really want this, don't you? - Oh, gosh, I do.
I really do.
I must admit it.
In fact, I'd be willing to audition for you right now.
- Frasier, now, that's not necessary.
- Kelly, Kelly, please, I'd like to.
Listen, I examined the parade schedule and I have taken the liberty of preparing a few ad libs, if you would indulge me in one or two? Okay.
Say, Kelly, have you ever seen Oh, Frasier, everyone knows beavers can't march.
Oh, they can.
When they're the Marching Beavers of the Riverside High School band.
Hey, you tricked me.
Sorry, Kelly.
But how about those incredible formations? - They're so precise.
- Well, that doesn't surprise me, Fras.
After all, the beaver is nature's first engineer.
That's nice banter.
Well, Seattle, thank you for your calls.
Seattle, thank you for your calls.
Hey, Frasier, what are you doing over the Christmas weekend? Well, Roz, if you insist on interrogating me, I'll be co-hosting the Seattle Christmas Parade tomorrow night on Channel 6 with the lovely and talented Kelly Kirkland.
I hope it'll be the beginning of a new holiday tradition.
Good mental health, Seattle.
See you at the parade.
[FRASIER CHUCKLING.]
- Hey, doc.
- Oh.
Sure wish you hadn't done that little promo.
Why? Kelly told me I had the job.
Her word is good enough for me.
- I've got some bad news.
- I knew I couldn't trust that woman.
And after I had her to my home for that hillbilly buffet.
She's got food poisoning.
She'll be laid up for days.
Oh.
Tough blow.
I'm nothing if not a team player.
I'll do the parade myself.
Boy, you really know how to land on your feet, doc.
- But you're still gonna have a co-host.
- Uh-huh.
There's nothing official yet, but a few names are floating around.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
I'll let you know if I hear anything.
Well, anyway, happy holidays, Duke.
Yeah.
Oh, wait, wait, I almost forgot.
Guess who's hosting the Christmas parade tonight.
That would be sweet.
No, it's Frasier.
- Okay.
See you, Duke.
- Well, Dad, - how do I look? - Well, a smile would help.
I know.
It's just that this whole Mary thing's got me kind of upset.
That woman grew up in Seattle.
She's never seen that parade.
It's a sacrilege.
God, you know, this event, it's an institution.
It carries with it a tradition of pride and pageantry and old-fashioned good times.
You know, that's not bad.
I think I might open with it.
- Hey, Frasier, good luck tonight.
- Thanks, Niles.
We'll be watching.
Hey, maybe you could say hi to us on the air.
For God's sake, Daphne, this is not some sort of a home movie.
This event carries with it a tradition of pride, pageantry and old-fashioned good times.
Eh, no, I don't like it.
Maybe I'll heat up some cider for the parade.
- Ooh, sounds good to me.
Dad? - I guess.
The parade just won't be the same without Ballantine.
Is anything the same to you without Ballantine? Well, sure, lots of stuff.
No, not really.
Christmas is days off, but Daphne and I were wondering if it wouldn't be good for you to open one of your presents early.
No, that would be cheating.
No opening presents till Christmas morning.
Are you sure? Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Well, you know, I guess one wouldn't hurt, but I'm not doing this by myself though.
- You two gotta open something too.
- What do you think? - One wouldn't hurt.
NILES: All right.
This is for you.
- And that's yours.
- Thank you.
- Got something? NILES: Yes.
All right.
Good.
Oh, ho, ho.
I knew it.
Thank you so much.
Just How'd you keep it cold? I hid it in the vegetable crisper.
I knew you'd never look there.
Oh, Niles, they're exquisite.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
And you got me Oh.
Ooh.
[GASPS.]
Batteries! Thank you.
You opened the wrong package.
You were supposed to open this one.
Oh, no, no, I can't open another one.
That's not fair.
Well, you know, if we all open one more, that would make it even.
- Sounds fair.
- All right, but that's it.
- Yes, no more.
- Yeah.
[MARCHING BAND PLAYING.]
Merry Christmas, Seattle.
This is Dr.
Frasier Crane And Dr.
Mary.
- Welcoming you to the 42nd annual Seattle Christmas parade.
Yes.
First off, we wanna wish Kelly Kirkland a speedy recovery.
Indeed.
And may I say, it's an honour to be sitting here in the very chairs that were once occupied by the legendary Bob Vernon and his co-host Sergeant Michelle, that started this tradition so many years ago.
And here comes our first float, Frosty the Snowman.
You know, Mary, historically speaking, the first float was probably the Trojan horse, which was a gift to the people of Troy.
Once brought inside the city walls, however, they discovered it was filled with Greek soldiers who slaughtered their Trojan enemies in the street.
Of course, modern floats have come a long way since then.
We hope.
Well, this float comes to us as a gift from Seattle's sister city, Managua, Nicaragua.
Well, you know, I like the way that sounds.
Managua, Nicaragua.
Sounds like the name of a fine Latino man.
Would you like to dance, Dr.
Mary? Yes, I would, Managua Nicaragua.
Shake that cute little Costa Rica for me.
For more information, here's float reporter Mike.
And we're clear.
- This is fun.
Isn't this fun? - Yes, but you know, Mary, maybe we should try sticking to the script.
The more we improvise, the less professional we look.
Oh, okay, I'm sorry.
Hey, Mary, great ad libbing.
More of that.
Frasier, try to loosen up.
We're back in five, four, three As you can see, Mary, this enormous stocking is overstuffed with presents.
I'd like to tear into one of those gifts right now.
FRASIER: Well, not until Christmas morning, Mary.
You know, in my house, we don't even shake the boxes.
We're going to need some wrapping paper.
- There's a couple of rolls in my room.
- I'll get the tape.
And this is the fifth float sponsored by a local software company.
Hey, those guys on that giant laptop are throwing candy canes.
Yes, Mary, at a hundred and fifty feet, it certainly is the largest float in the parade.
Hey, throw some of those candy canes over here.
Come on, come on, put some muscle into it, you nerds.
Now, Mary, let's not disparage the good MARY: Ow! Oh.
Thanks.
Thank you.
This might be a good time for a break.
But we have an exciting surprise coming up, a special mystery guest.
It's Santa.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Thank you, Mary.
And we're clear.
- I think I'm gonna go get some air.
- But we're outside.
I'm gonna stretch my legs.
Hey, Frasier, thanks for the tickets.
Alice is having a great time.
Well, I'm glad somebody is.
Mary is ruining my parade.
Do you know this has been called nice banter by a top parade professional? Does anybody get to hear it? No.
Instead, Mary prattles on endlessly as if every idea in her head is worth saying out loud.
She is totally unpredictable.
Now, Santa's coming up and I prepared a really cute bit and I know she's gonna ruin that too.
Look, if you tell her how important it is, I'm sure she'll back off.
- She's a reasonable person.
PRODUCER: Fifteen seconds.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
I've let you have free rein over the parade this evening.
Could I please do the Santa interview myself? - Of course, of course.
- Thank you, thanks.
PRODUCER: And cue.
- And we're back.
I see someone special getting off his sleigh.
SANTA: Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Ho, ho, ho.
Well, hello, young man.
Some call him Saint Nick, others Kris Kringle.
In Holland, he's affectionately known SANTA: Oh, you must be Dr.
Mary.
You know, I've been meaning to call your show.
My elves always seem to get a little blue when the work is done and, well, I thought maybe you could help.
Oh, Santa.
Santa, I've got some questions over here for you.
Well, let's all see if we can put our heads together and come up with a solution.
Kids, do you think that Dr.
Mary can help Santa to cheer up his elves? CROWD: Yes! Well, why don't you give them some candy? - Oh, now, that's a great idea.
- No, that's a terrible idea.
Your elves are probably suffering from seasonal affective disorder.
Now, loading them up with sweets will only aggravate the problem.
But Mary's right.
Kids love candy.
Elves are not kids.
They're tiny men.
- Well, if you want my opinion FRASIER: No, thank you, Mary.
We've been listening, and frankly, there isn't room left in our heads for another.
Now, if you would just get back to the dais - I'm so sorry.
- What the hell's wrong with you? - Look, I'm bleeding.
I'm bleeding.
- It was an accident.
- I'm dizzy.
FRASIER: Here.
Sit down.
Cut to tape.
I don't care what tape.
Find something.
What's wrong with you? You attacked Santa Claus.
Well, it was an accident, wasn't it, Mary? You saw it.
Oh, now you want my opinion.
Honey, you're on your own.
- Hello, Mary.
- Hello.
Any word on Santa? Oh, he'll be all right.
They gave him a coagulant.
I'd like to apologise for the way I acted toward you.
It was rude and disrespectful.
Well, what did I do to make you treat me that way? Well, it's just that doing this parade has been a dream of mine, and it felt like you were taking that away from me.
- What do you mean? We were a team.
- Oh, yeah.
I was the boring stiff guy and you were the one everybody loved.
- Oh, come on, now.
- No, it's true, Mary.
This town has taken you into its heart in a way that they never have with me.
I guess I'm a little jealous of that.
Oh, Frasier, if it helps, I forgive you.
You know, when you're not trying so hard, you're kind of loveable yourself.
Really? Would I be overstepping my bounds if I were to ask for some sugar right now? Come on.
Merry Christmas, Frasier.
Merry Christmas, Mary.
- I'm gonna get on out of here.
- Right, right.
I'd offer to walk you, but there's still some angry parents in the parking lot.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Bye-bye.
MAN: Excuse me.
- You can just sweep around me.
No, I wanna introduce myself.
I'm Bob Vernon.
Bo - Bob Vernon? - That's right.
- Oh, it's an honour, sir.
- Thank you.
Say, you didn't watch the parade this evening, did you? I turned it off when the smelling salts started making Santa nauseous.
You know, Frasier, I got off to a rather rough start in this parade myself.
- You did? - Mm.
Oh, yes.
Now, Sergeant Michelle and I had absolutely no rapport that first year.
- No.
- Well, frankly, she got on my nerves.
You know, she wasn't a real sergeant.
No.
Listen, son, try to lighten up on yourself.
You did some real nice work out there today.
- Thanks.
- Good luck.
- Say, Mr.
Vernon? - Yeah? Is there any chance that you'd like to join me in a little banter? It would be an honour.
[FRASIER MUMBLES AND CLEARS THROAT.]
Ah.
Right here.
Uh Say, Bob.
Have you ever seen 80 beavers march in perfect rhythm? Frasier, everyone knows beavers can't march.
They can when they're the Marching Beavers of the Riverside High School marching band.
Whoa, you tricked me.
Sorry, Bob, but how about those incredible? [INAUDIBLE DIALOG.]